Tag Archives: inner knowing

To distract oneself.

Today, I’ve found myself frustrated that I am not able to make big decisions.

On one level I feel like we’re trying to pull a scenario like Bio-Dome on retirement communities. If it weren’t so rediculous from first hand experience, I could find it funny. Yet stupid things like residents wanting to sit outside and enjoy beautiful weather, except upper management deemed it too risky initially and stowed all the deck chairs. I know we have now discovered that UV light helps kill it and transfer risks are reduced outdoors, so I would have put the damn chairs out a week ago. Alas it is not my decision to make, so I do my best to soothe upset residents. They know I am not worried, never was, and my intelligent responses have started to soothe their fears, but it’s far from the ideal I desire.

Then there are things like the Feds telling states and hospitals to solve their own problems and then intercepting those supplies slowing the flow yet again. See Here and here. I just wish I could be on TV pointing out the idiocy of that move. It was either just plain dumb or an intentional move to try and make matters worse. Either way that shit needs to stop.

However, even with situations like those, I have my own health journey to focus on and my puzzle needs no added stress. So I’m doing my level best to stay either distracted or on happy topics.

So today I am filling all my extra time working on a bigger drawing project. It will end up 2 9×12 ink drawings based on the concept of Atira. I’m working on an ad like image for the temple and business park. Here’s a teaser:

Finally I wish to spend a few minutes in appreciation.

  • I appreciate that there are individuals in charge that do know the real risks and data and practical measures to solve the problem. I look forward to more of those people letting their voices be heard in a bigger way, and news outlets enabling it.
  • I appreciate that I am intelligent to know what is right and proper and not allow fears to dictate illogical decisions…. I didn’t have a mask on yesterday because of the hives on my face, someone wearing a mask apologized for getting too close to me. I simply explained it’s mask or 6 feet, you don’t need to worry about trying to do both, and that I’m not worried about either knowing I’m well beyond having been exposed several times after actually having been sick in February. They replied: I guess you’re right. …Why that information isn’t common knowledge is beyond me.
  • I am glad that I am healthy enough that a new virus bounced off of me no worse than the flu, and even my thyroid concerns feel like something I will be able to fully heal.
  • I am super happy that I made it through, what for Kansas City was an unnecessary extended lock down. I suspect that their projections are far off for Kansas City. Yes, there will be more people get sick, but I believe that it will be a fraction of projections based on the known-unknown viral-illnesses of January and February. We’ve simply already dealt with the worst of it before any shut downs even happened.
  • I am glad that my whole family is happy and healthy.
  • I am appreciative of the extra time I have had with my children.
  • I have enjoyed extra time with my husband as well.
  • I am grateful that I have been able to spend time in my gardens.
  • I am grateful that I have the necessary skills to do many things. I came across a graphic arts position I am well qualified for and could likely get, but would require relocation. I am satisfied in the knowing that I could apply for the position, but would rather stay where I am.
  • That caused an internal dialogue of all of the things in my current experience that I do know how to do. I could literally work all but 4 positions within the independent living retirement community without any training. I could work all of the non-medical positions in AL. Even a for a typical CNA, I have all the hands on knowledge, I’m merely lacking the official transcripts and test scores to prove it. Beyond that I have worked as a caregiver which duties for that overlap much of what CNA’s do in a less official way. I know how to transfer patients, I know proper lifting techniques, I know proper precautions in many situations, and even how to administer breathing treatments and insulin. I am very skilled and at this point I am able to choose what I do for income. That knowing causes a wonderful sense of accomplishment and healthy pride.
  • I respect my own skills and desires enough to step back and weigh all the data before making decisions.
  • I am appreciative of the knowing that I can literally do anything I want. I have even considered getting my masters degree, only needing a year of school to complete it, funding is literally the only barrier, and a hesitation of not really wanting to go back to school again.
  • I respect that I nearly always accomplish on my own levels of activity and work that others often would consider too much. My “I can do it on my own” mentality has protected my family time and time again.
  • I am intelligent, strong, have massive perseverance, and all things considered do my best to avoid being too complaint oriented.
  • I love myself and I’m getting better and better at showing it to myself.
  • I’m better at controlling my emotions and thoughts. That is allowing my life to gradually improve.
  • I am healing my brain and my body, based on good research and my intuitive knowing of what works for me.
  • My connection to the divine guides me as often as I take the time to listen. That is the best part of everything.

May you have minimal frustrations. May you have wonderful distractions and joyful desires. May you find your focus and the resulting improvement. May you have more good days than bad, and know our world is safe. May you appreciate the perfection of natural processes. May you have pleasant days and many good dreams. May your biggest desires be reachable. May you know you can do anything.

Siva Hir Su

Processing…

Like Windows 3.1

First, because I can:

MC Yogi’s “Be The Change” The song is available on most streaming services, and I bought it through GooglePlay Music for .99. I highly recommend it.

Secondly:

Mumford and Sons with Baaba Maal “There Will Be Time” and “Si Tu Veux”

These are also available through most streaming services especially for purchase via GooglePlay Music.

I start with these songs, because this week in particular they are resonating with me very, very strongly. They always have, as least as long as I have known of them, but it seems that it has intensified this week. As have many things.

Last week my attention was brought to a book I am familiar with from my childhood. “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L. Engle. First I heard discussion of it among others in talking about the movie being on Netflix. Then I had mentioned it to my teenager, as an if you haven’t already you should read it. Then one of my elderly clients was rambling and interjected it without any clarification. It stuck out as though it didn’t pertain to anything else she was saying. As soon as I acknowledged that it had to be a message, my husband texted that he had seen a flyer for a local theatre group doing it as a play.

My response: FINE! I’ll re-read the book.

I did, and it took me about 6 hours over 4 days.

I was assaulted over and over with how many things in my existence seem to be from that book. I am always searching for my “Happy Medium”. I feel like the main character Meg quite often. I have many moments in my life where strange things occur that I should be saying “that’s weird” but seem to feel like it’s normal for me. I often find myself wishing for someone or something like Meg’s mother stating “Just because we don’t understand it with our human minds doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.”

Even things like numbers that appeared in the book repeating in my daily life, and the one character speaking in other’s languages seems to have carried into my understanding of my languages.

Above and beyond it all, is my search, my quest to destroy IT.

IT has manifested as depression and anger/rage in my life. I know I need to kill IT with LOVE, but it seems like that is a far more repetitive process than the book implied. One that I find myself still questing after to this day, albeit less intensely than when that journey started.

I read the book when I was very young. Much younger than the audience it is intended for. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I read it, and it was one of many books, having also plowed through the entire CS Lewis “Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe” series. Yet this book seems to have stuck on a very deep level. It was so intense re-reading the book so many years later, that at several points I found myself stopping to wipe tears away.

There were a few moments while reading that I could literally hear someone commenting on what I was reading that it meant more for me than the words on the page. I literally heard that this was my key, that what I needed was in that book. That it meant mountains to me, and that I had very special gifts. There was a reason I am good at multiple things including math, science, and language and have an innate ability to provide healing to others. My unique set of talents were very important to the universe. I just need to figure out how.

The line I am still repeating to myself: “Everyone has talents, it is how you use them that matters.”

Now I am processing. And Processing. And Processing.

Very slowly.

Fortunately in a couple of days I’ll have plenty of time for processing.

So far at the moment, I feel the link between that and other positive triggers in my life such as “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein and the afore mentioned CS Lewis series. Even somehow there is a link to my resonance with “Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry” and “Siddhartha”. I’m just having a devil of a time knowing what I am grasping at. Much like Meg when the sisters explained Tessering to her. I think I got it just for a moment, but not enough to explain it properly to another. Sadly after having re-read the book I think I understand the concept of Tessering better than what I am grasping at for myself.

So much so, that I began to wonder, is that a real possibility. I’ve had numerous conversations with people about how Heinlein was a genius that wrote of things that we are now working on making real. What if Ms. Engle had somehow tapped into a thought wave that was based in possibilities. She was writing a kids book, but now we are researching the real possibility of teleportation. What if Tesseract or Tessering is a real possibility that no one has put dollars into researching, and if so the ramifications of the book give a pretty clear warning of what could possibly go wrong in such experimentation. It also instills hope that once accomplished and perfected it would literally unleash a universe of possibilities. So, though scary, it brings hope in its wake.

It also makes me think of discussions I’ve had with people exploring the possibility of Quantum jumping. That by focused thought alone we could jump to an alternate timeline, and alternate reality of your own spirit. The theory leads to the possibility of leaps in improvement. I have often thought of those concepts as: it sounds too good to be true; but is it?

Are we limiting ourselves by disbelief because we simply don’t understand the how of its possibility. Can one find belief without understanding? That is a rhetorical question, mainly for myself. I struggle with faith when I allow myself to believe in the unknown. Often flip flopping like a fish on the deck of a boat, hoping to flop myself back into the comfort of the water of knowing.

What if it really is as simple as convincing yourself of your belief and then adding LOVE?

It seems too easy, but that as my wonderful husband pointed out, is because I have been well convinced by my parents and society that it has to be hard. I have been well trained that working hard is the best and only way, and boy have I mastered that one to get pittance of results in the means that were promised (finances, success, power).

Perhaps the thread I am working at pulling on means simply to let go and let things be simple. Let my beliefs build and give them faith and LOVE. Trust myself and the divine. Perhaps I will be the one to allow myself to Tesser, and when science comes and rescues my arse, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do!

Until that day, I’ll start with some more practical beliefs, and perhaps just allow that maybe, just maybe Tessering or Quantum Jumping is a real possibility that I may or may not figure out.

May you all find your moments of knowing regardless of understanding, find the path where your particular set of talents serve the divine in their highest good, and find the faith to trust the divine process. Above all, may you find your LOVE for yourself and everything else, including your beliefs.

As Above, So Below. So Mote it Be. Siva Hir Su.

“I f-ing hate enlightenment.”

That was the phrase I said to Nathan this morning that made him double over in laughter asking me to write this post.

The reason I said it was because I checked my fasting sugar and it was again at 160. I commented it was probably the chocolates I ate last night because they were cheap ones. I said “I love chocolate, there I said it, I love chocolate, and aren’t we supposed to be loving things!”

Then immediately my brain replayed the last chakra section of the following clip from “The Last Airbender”.

Watch “How To Open Your 7 Chakras As Explained In a Children’s Show” on YouTube

I had played the clip for Ian last night to see if it would help him understand things. And I had followed the clip as a meditation in the process, so I knew exactly what was being conveyed.

It is good to love things, but not so intensely that we cannot let them go for fear of the loss.

And that is precisely what I’m doing with chocolate.

Chocolate is my last food pleasure. It is the only thing left in my ‘I really enjoy this food’ list. I am afraid to lose chocolate and never have any enjoyable food in my experience.

Knowing that, and accomplishing the letting go are two separate and distinct moments. Practice makes perfect, right?!

This one is going to be hard for me. Merh.