Tag Archives: inner work

Processing…

Like Windows 3.1

First, because I can:

MC Yogi’s “Be The Change” The song is available on most streaming services, and I bought it through GooglePlay Music for .99. I highly recommend it.

Secondly:

Mumford and Sons with Baaba Maal “There Will Be Time” and “Si Tu Veux”

These are also available through most streaming services especially for purchase via GooglePlay Music.

I start with these songs, because this week in particular they are resonating with me very, very strongly. They always have, as least as long as I have known of them, but it seems that it has intensified this week. As have many things.

Last week my attention was brought to a book I am familiar with from my childhood. “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L. Engle. First I heard discussion of it among others in talking about the movie being on Netflix. Then I had mentioned it to my teenager, as an if you haven’t already you should read it. Then one of my elderly clients was rambling and interjected it without any clarification. It stuck out as though it didn’t pertain to anything else she was saying. As soon as I acknowledged that it had to be a message, my husband texted that he had seen a flyer for a local theatre group doing it as a play.

My response: FINE! I’ll re-read the book.

I did, and it took me about 6 hours over 4 days.

I was assaulted over and over with how many things in my existence seem to be from that book. I am always searching for my “Happy Medium”. I feel like the main character Meg quite often. I have many moments in my life where strange things occur that I should be saying “that’s weird” but seem to feel like it’s normal for me. I often find myself wishing for someone or something like Meg’s mother stating “Just because we don’t understand it with our human minds doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.”

Even things like numbers that appeared in the book repeating in my daily life, and the one character speaking in other’s languages seems to have carried into my understanding of my languages.

Above and beyond it all, is my search, my quest to destroy IT.

IT has manifested as depression and anger/rage in my life. I know I need to kill IT with LOVE, but it seems like that is a far more repetitive process than the book implied. One that I find myself still questing after to this day, albeit less intensely than when that journey started.

I read the book when I was very young. Much younger than the audience it is intended for. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I read it, and it was one of many books, having also plowed through the entire CS Lewis “Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe” series. Yet this book seems to have stuck on a very deep level. It was so intense re-reading the book so many years later, that at several points I found myself stopping to wipe tears away.

There were a few moments while reading that I could literally hear someone commenting on what I was reading that it meant more for me than the words on the page. I literally heard that this was my key, that what I needed was in that book. That it meant mountains to me, and that I had very special gifts. There was a reason I am good at multiple things including math, science, and language and have an innate ability to provide healing to others. My unique set of talents were very important to the universe. I just need to figure out how.

The line I am still repeating to myself: “Everyone has talents, it is how you use them that matters.”

Now I am processing. And Processing. And Processing.

Very slowly.

Fortunately in a couple of days I’ll have plenty of time for processing.

So far at the moment, I feel the link between that and other positive triggers in my life such as “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein and the afore mentioned CS Lewis series. Even somehow there is a link to my resonance with “Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry” and “Siddhartha”. I’m just having a devil of a time knowing what I am grasping at. Much like Meg when the sisters explained Tessering to her. I think I got it just for a moment, but not enough to explain it properly to another. Sadly after having re-read the book I think I understand the concept of Tessering better than what I am grasping at for myself.

So much so, that I began to wonder, is that a real possibility. I’ve had numerous conversations with people about how Heinlein was a genius that wrote of things that we are now working on making real. What if Ms. Engle had somehow tapped into a thought wave that was based in possibilities. She was writing a kids book, but now we are researching the real possibility of teleportation. What if Tesseract or Tessering is a real possibility that no one has put dollars into researching, and if so the ramifications of the book give a pretty clear warning of what could possibly go wrong in such experimentation. It also instills hope that once accomplished and perfected it would literally unleash a universe of possibilities. So, though scary, it brings hope in its wake.

It also makes me think of discussions I’ve had with people exploring the possibility of Quantum jumping. That by focused thought alone we could jump to an alternate timeline, and alternate reality of your own spirit. The theory leads to the possibility of leaps in improvement. I have often thought of those concepts as: it sounds too good to be true; but is it?

Are we limiting ourselves by disbelief because we simply don’t understand the how of its possibility. Can one find belief without understanding? That is a rhetorical question, mainly for myself. I struggle with faith when I allow myself to believe in the unknown. Often flip flopping like a fish on the deck of a boat, hoping to flop myself back into the comfort of the water of knowing.

What if it really is as simple as convincing yourself of your belief and then adding LOVE?

It seems too easy, but that as my wonderful husband pointed out, is because I have been well convinced by my parents and society that it has to be hard. I have been well trained that working hard is the best and only way, and boy have I mastered that one to get pittance of results in the means that were promised (finances, success, power).

Perhaps the thread I am working at pulling on means simply to let go and let things be simple. Let my beliefs build and give them faith and LOVE. Trust myself and the divine. Perhaps I will be the one to allow myself to Tesser, and when science comes and rescues my arse, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do!

Until that day, I’ll start with some more practical beliefs, and perhaps just allow that maybe, just maybe Tessering or Quantum Jumping is a real possibility that I may or may not figure out.

May you all find your moments of knowing regardless of understanding, find the path where your particular set of talents serve the divine in their highest good, and find the faith to trust the divine process. Above all, may you find your LOVE for yourself and everything else, including your beliefs.

As Above, So Below. So Mote it Be. Siva Hir Su.

“I f-ing hate enlightenment.”

That was the phrase I said to Nathan this morning that made him double over in laughter asking me to write this post.

The reason I said it was because I checked my fasting sugar and it was again at 160. I commented it was probably the chocolates I ate last night because they were cheap ones. I said “I love chocolate, there I said it, I love chocolate, and aren’t we supposed to be loving things!”

Then immediately my brain replayed the last chakra section of the following clip from “The Last Airbender”.

Watch “How To Open Your 7 Chakras As Explained In a Children’s Show” on YouTube

I had played the clip for Ian last night to see if it would help him understand things. And I had followed the clip as a meditation in the process, so I knew exactly what was being conveyed.

It is good to love things, but not so intensely that we cannot let them go for fear of the loss.

And that is precisely what I’m doing with chocolate.

Chocolate is my last food pleasure. It is the only thing left in my ‘I really enjoy this food’ list. I am afraid to lose chocolate and never have any enjoyable food in my experience.

Knowing that, and accomplishing the letting go are two separate and distinct moments. Practice makes perfect, right?!

This one is going to be hard for me. Merh.

I can only fix me.

This morning started with oversleeping from exhaustion. My infant is still not sleeping solidly through the night, we’re moving, and I’m going on 45 days without any downtime, knowing my next ‘day off’ will encure more heavy lifting.

I made it to work with 5 minutes to spare- only because we grabbed a breakfast bowl from QT, sans the cheese. I get to work and I’m confronted with chatty-Cathy that has spouted a whole mess of broad biased and bigoted generalizations like you’d hear on Fox news, and YouTube followed that with a notification to listen to Cranberries’ “Linger” with Spanish translations.

After the chatty-Cathy I ruminated on writing a long apology to the world. Apology for such an insignificant readership to actually matter, apology that my voice isn’t bigger/louder, apology for the attitudes of middle-class mostly-white over-55 Americans, apology that I’m not able to rise myself up higher/faster to make it known we’re not all like that.

I thought about telling the world to just ignore and walk away from America. That we’ve lost sight of real morals and values (not to be confused with cheap propaganda morals/values) and helping human kind. That America is full of racist bigots that will cast blame on anything and everything someone with any shade of color does, from stealing from our welfare system to opening business here on the American dollar and not paying taxes, both of which chatty-Cathy said within 5 minutes of me walking in.

But then if the world does walk away from America, what’s to come of the few of us genuinely striving for better. What if those few of us eventually need to flee America, where would we go if the world turns it’s back on us.

I realized that I was ruminating from scared, tired, lost and feeling alone. I listened to “Linger” knowing the song well already.

I realized I am a fool, things do go wrong, shit does stink, and sometimes this world sucks badly. I can’t apologize for everything that goes wrong when I’m not in control of those things. I’m also not a victim and refuse to be blamed for every thing that happens, especially when I’m not involved and not around to contribute, and especially when I know I’m already doing my best to help and be a good citizen.

Thus the only thing in my control is working on myself.

I can only vote using my conscious, ignore naysayers and those that insist on following status quo, focus on making my vote fall in alignment with my inner being’s knowing.

I can only focus on finding happy and my next step of improvement.

I can only battle the things that bug me long enough to find a solution. The solution is truly the answer, the battle only begets more battle.

I can only complain long enough to help refocus into a definition of what I need/want, because again complaining begets more complaining, and the solutions are really what I need.

I can’t let things bug me, or I’ll end up being eaten alive by concerns, fears, worries, and guilt.

I can’t keep existing trying to please others all the time. People are finicky and promise things they can’t fulfill. Swear they care, to turn and walk away. Say they like or love something until there’s a cloudy day or they’re simply not feeling like it today. Ask contradictory things of me to either challenge me or prove that I’ll fail, and either way it only accomplishes tearing me down and apart. Say they care to turn and blame me for everything that goes wrong for them. There are only so many apologies I can give before realizing that those apologies fall on deaf ears.

I’m done waisting my breath and heart. I’ve gotten much better at being much quieter, nodding and moving on, even with my own 4 year old. One day I’ll fix myself enough to attract people willing to work as hard as I do, willing to own their own crap as much as I do, willing to improve themselves as much as possible, and willing to work on finding improvement as much as I do, and willing to commit as much as I have.

For now, I must do better at one thing only: finding my happy and my next step of improvement.

The world will continue to be, for better or for worse, with richer and poorer, with birth and health and sickness and death.

All things are in this world and I must do my best to find the best I can, and leave the best mark I can. I must be there for the Divine/God, for good, for myself, for my husband and family. In that order even, as the first 2 really help to be there for myself and my family. That then becomes my legacy by default- was I there for my family enough that they saw my improvement and learned how to find their own improvement.

I wish that for everyone. If we can all accomplish that, eventually this world will seem a much better place. You’ll never eliminate the negatives, but the positives can weigh heavier in our experience, and enrich all of our lives. I wish that for all of you. Be well my dear readers. Find your happy today and most of all days.

The Real Dirty Work Starts with a Bang.

 That is my leg with arnica gel all over it after meeting a sledge hammer in the worst possible way.  A physical manifestation of the proverbial 2×4 to the psyche.

It was January 1st: New year’s day. We needed to cut wood for the stove to continue with having wonderful heat.  I did what I always do- help. It doesn’t matter how busy I’ve been or how tired I am,  if there’s work to be done that I will benefit from,  I do my best to help.  New year’s may have been a holiday,  but really it was just another day in my life, so help I did. 

Nathan was using the chainsaw to cut chunks,  & I was using the maul to split those chuncks. All was going fairly smoothly,  but there was one section of log that just didn’t want to split. I gave up on it several times to split others. After about 30 min of swinging the maul and sledge hammer,  I’d caught up to Nathan & didn’t have any other large pieces to work with. So I went to give the stubborn piece one more try.  I got the maul into it again, & started to pound on the maul with the sledge.  It wasn’t budging, so I reeled back to give one really hard hit. As the sledge came down it grazed the maul just barely & continued full  force into my shin.

I saw stars – again!

 After falling off the steps just weeks before, it seems there’s a theme here like with Wiley E. Cyote & Road Runner. 

I hobbled over to the van to sit & put my leg up on the door. Nathan went to get ice & arnica. I knew since I could walk it wasn’t broken,  hairline maybe,  but not bad.

Ian kept asking: mommy what happened,  why are you crying.  I kept telling him:  I hit my leg hard, it really, really hurts.

When Nathan brought the ice,  my leg hurt too much to put it on, so I started to down Arnica pellets. For best effects you are supposed to space the pellets 15min. I think I was managing every 5min. After several rounds of pellets I moved inside,  applied the gel, & then managed to  gingerly rest the ice on it. About an hour later is when I took that picture.

At this point, 3 days later,  it’s still tender to the touch,  but otherwise you can barely tell anything happened.  I’m so grateful for Arnica.

Now, having had a chance to reflect, I see that I’ve yet again gotten the proverbial 2×4 to the head again.  What do I mean by that? 

Well, it seems that when the other side:  be it guides, spirit (s), ancestors, &/or God- (I’m really not sure whom); is trying to get your attention and you’re not figuring it out, they make you stop. Literally.

Every time,  something happens, which forces me to stop for a while.  I’m literally forced to take a break.

Now,  I’ve written about messages that I’ve gotten lately. So I believe I’m getting it,  but then they make me stop. So obviously I’m missing something somewhere. 

Maybe its bad interpretations on my part.  Maybe I’m not getting all of the messages. Humans, including myself, do tend to have selective listening. I’m really not sure, but I’ve had to stop and step back.

For some people that might be easy,  but for my rumination inclined mind,  it’s not.  That’s really my dirty work, and very difficult,  especially emotionally. 

How then do I analyze and interpret without ruminating?  The answer is still elusive to me, but I’m working on stopping the analyzing when it turns negative too long- thanks to some tools gleaned from therapy. 

So far,  it seems my new messages seem to be about focusing on myself for a bit.  Giving myself loving care,  slowing down, allowing myself to be more in the energy of healing.  I’m no stranger to these concepts,  and in general feel pretty good about myself, my strength, my skills, my determination, and my ability to love and find compassion.

 Many other traits as well, but I do admit that I often put others before myself. I frequently focus on others needs more than my own. I can be easily distracted,  and sometimes even a good distraction can be over played/ overdone, and I rarely allow myself to just be and rest.

  Yesterday,  I had a good friend of mine challenge me with the statement that everything is in your life for a reason.  She pointed out that if I’m seeing a pattern,  then it means I’ve not learned from it fully yet.  Things repeat when you don’t get them the first time.

Now, I’ve been off  of Facebook for a little over 2 months.  It’s been a good thing.  I’m less stressed, and those that really care have still stayed connected.  I’m grateful to know that I have a loving husband and supportive friends. That being said I still find plenty of distractions.  I merely replaced Facebook with thoughts and other things. 

My friend suggested that my online intrest might be just that.  He might be my brain’s substitution, essentially filling my desire for a distraction from all the rest. I had to admit she might be right. It could solely be my desire for a loving gentle distraction.

So I’ve intentionally pulled back to try & figure things out.  The last 3 days have been very messy emotionally. 

In my conversation with the friend yesterday she pointed out that there is some kind of energetic misalignment,  & she reinforced that I  need to figure out a way to be happy regardless of whether or not the relationship progresses.

Wow. I keep circulating back around to the feeling place of the connection. How I feel during conversations,  how my heart feels when I think of him, how it’s such a rare experience in my life. There are only 3 others in my life that have shared that connection: Nathan & to a lesser degree 2 of my best friends. I like these feelings a lot, I look forward to them. Intentionally shutting that off is hard.  I feel the lack very intensely.

I can’t help but wonder  why the connection would be so strong,  so unique, if it didn’t mean anything except a distraction.

Regardless, I’ve  logged out, leaving my  contact info behind.  I’ve pulled back energetically.  I’m working on reducing thoughts of him. I can’t help sending the energy of love and respect  and well wishes though. I  just feel I’m hurting myself by doing anything less or contrasting.

I’ve also started to analyze other smaller events of recent.  Attempting to glean messages I might have missed. 

This area is full of KState panther heads in their beautiful purple, but in the last few weeks I’ve frequently seen  it juxtaposed against a red boar- I have no idea whose logo it is, but someone said Arkansas. I think for me it’s less about team references and more about color theory and animal totem meanings. I’ve got a working theory about personality traits, but I don’t fully grok it yet. 

 Then there’s my burn…

Don’t worry,  I shot that while parked at the library. 

The shape is a perfect vesica piscis, having been created when I bumped my hand on the metal shade of my 200W light therapy lamp. The deepest part of the burn has scabbing from it being opened by friction during my massage work.  I can’t help but think of 3rd eye depictions like found on images of Shiva & Buddha. Am I supposed to see meaning behind being burned by light & finding inner knowing? It sounds straight forward enough, but that thought feels off, like maybe I’ve not got the whole interpretation correct.

Finally,  because I do a lot of driving, I seem to get a lot of messages through vehicles.  Bumper stickers, license plates,  etc. Lately there have been abnormally large numbers of repetitive characters. Loads of T’s (reference to my name perhaps), and gobs of GKS/GXS, CX, Z’s, & the number sequence with 9 (789, 897, 798, etc). I don’t really know what these mean. I’ve guessed the numbers might be something to do with birthdays or my placement on the emotional guidance scale (see below). Though I’m not sure, I feel like the x’s & k’s might have to do with kissing (o’s & x’s meaning hugs & kisses,  & kiss often is shortened to kk  or x when texting), & though I’d like it to mean kissing a certain someone,  I’ll leave it at the general idea for now.

Having a painful wake up call makes me hesitate a little on my observations & interpretations a bit.

I have definitely been hovering between “6. Hopefullness” and about “13. Doubt”, but most of my time is at about 9 or 10. Hence the numbers might be accurate.  Obviously I need to work myself back up the scale. Easier said than done.  But acknowledging that doesn’t answer what the letters & numbers mean.

Especially since the last one really shocked me. Sitting in multi-lane traffic, I realized the 3 license plates in front of me had a message.  Left to right the letters of each plate read: FEL, FER, FER. I told Nathan.  He tried looking up the letters. FEL  didn’t return anything useful: there was some female singer,  but he didn’t think it applied. FER returned several results: ” apparently it’s a last name to some. .. Fer is a night club”….  But the one we were both taken aback by is this logo:

Zagreb is in Croatia. I have no living connections to that part of the world, but I have 2, maybe 3, possible deceased connections.   Also,  my online friend is an engineer. 

Is it a stretch? Maybe. I also thought the important overlap of FE could be a reference to needing more iron,  but my diet is currently green stuff & lean meats. I’d think I’d be getting enough iron. 

So yet again,  I’m at a loss,  seeing a message, but having no real clue as to what the hell it means. 

So I’ve slowed down,  stepped back,  & I’m mulling over everything whilst doing my best not to ruminate.  I’m breathing deeply.  I’m listening to music so I can feel something other than my messy ball of emotional goop. I’m working just enough, & accepting anything that happens scheduling wise as vital and necessary.  Which means that yesterday I got a short nap,  and didn’t actually make any money. Instead I traded my  friend  cupping to help her neck & back,  and she guided me through cutting cords. It was a massively intense,  yet very helpful experience.  Yesterday was much needed, and I’m grateful for every second of it. Hopefully I’ll see the meaning/my answers soon,  and my emotions will calm.

For now:

“I am where I am, and it’s okay.”

I will survive,  and continue on this game of life regardless of what happens, I’ve made it 34 years,  I can do at least another 34.

I am grateful for meeting my dear friend online,  I wish him happiness,  health, prosperity, and that all his dreams come true, regardless whether he remains a part of my life.

I acknowledge that having a big heart and easily loving those that readily give me genuine attention, sometimes means I might end up feeling the sting of loss. Loss is part of life, and though it hurts, it is not permanent.  I’m a better person for the loving. “Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” – Sir Alfred Tynison

I hope that this particular connection means something good,  and has lasting positive effects, but acknowledge it’s out of my hands. This one is not mine to solve, and regardless of what the end result is, I will remain true to myself,  stay strong, and keep moving,  heading toward better days. That’s all anyone can ever do- move forward in whatever that means.