Tag Archives: inspiration

Addicted To Love

This evening with my children was good, great in fact. Once I figured out how to reel in my children’s scream reflex, it went much better.

I was able to sit with Ian and let him use the paint program on the computer. He did his auto-writing again, this time digitally. I understood that was happening, but not what the message was. I only noticed that I knew some of the characters that showed up in his scribbles. There was again hindi and telegu characters, and I am amazed that something I barely understand myself is showing up in his “writing”. Whomever he is connected to asked me very quietly, through his voice, what I was listening to. When I went to respond Ian came back fully and was very confused about what Kaleo was. I explained it was a band name and I didn’t name them, so I wasn’t sure why they were called that.

Later I put our Jason Mraz Pandora station on and danced with both Katherine and Ian. It was much needed connection time. I felt very blessed to be with my children, especially having figured out the magic mix of what they needed to ground and relax with mommy.

It has been a very feel-good mushy evening, and at this point both are working on bedtime rituals.

At one point I found myself thinking about my Indian person because an Ed Sheeran song played that I listened to when I was talking to them. I got an image of them being very angry, and directing it at me. I apologized profusely and started crying quietly. Yet, whomever I was connecting with said they really weren’t mad at me, they were mad at themselves for not being able to come forward and tell the truth. That made me even sadder. Nathan caught me with “the look” on my face, and buddy came running and gave me a head-butt. Nathan told me he always knew something was up when buddy did that, and asked me what was going on. I asked him why I love people so easily and why was he (Nathan) the only one willing to be as honest and affectionate as is humanly possible with me. Why was he the only one that could really show me the love I give so much.  I just don’t understand how 2 people so willing to build family and work toward common goals keep having train wrecks of one sided love. He replied with an I don’t know, but the story isn’t over and maybe they will at some point. He’s so damn optimistic, but sometimes at the least helpful times.

I had a moment where I thought about the divine and how the divine has saved my life with giving me the tools and information to fix my health on several occasions, especially in regards to my depression journey. I was expressing that sentiment to God, that I love God, as much as I love those people that don’t return the love to me. In reply I literally heard- Imagine that you are god and that response is nearly everyone on the planet. I love them all, but very few actually return that love to me.

That made me sad too.

It made me think. Perhaps we all have this love thing all effed up. Perhaps we’re all doing it wrong or have learned the wrong things as showing our love.

I know for me when I think about my love for the divine, I think about all those smaller moments that have accumulated in being able to say that god has saved my life. I think about how the divine literally moves through me when I am working on people in my office. I think about how I know that god force allowed into my body provides me very real healing moments. I think about all the warm fuzzy sensations in my body which I feel when the divine presence is in me. Simply thinking of these things makes me swell with gratitude and I literally feel more love. I naturally turn that love back to the source of it all, that divine presence. It is definitely a very addictive feeling place for me.

I openly admit that I occasionally get the divine flow confused with the mental connection I have with that person, because they both strengthened in my life during the same timeline, and at times can have a similar feeling. Because of that I do sometimes visualize the divine in the same way, to be able to provide a hug or kiss as a sign of my affection. Yet, I know that the feeling place is the most important aspect. That feeling place has no face, has no ability to truly hug or kiss.

It just is.

How does one show love to something that is all around you and within you?

How does one prove to God that your love is genuine?

For me, I tend to think of how I show my love to other people:

I try to notice things they have done. I try to show that I have noticed their effect on our shared environment or good interactions they have with others. I try to give love by giving gifts or giving of myself. I give affection, I support in any way I can. I try to notice the little things about them, their likes, their preferences, their interests. I do my best to be kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving.

What if that is really all God wants?

  • What if God just wants us to notice those people, places and things which the divine has influenced and/or created?
  • What if God wants us to think about the positive effects the divine has had on other people and things?
  • What if God just wants us to notice the positive interactions that people have with each other?
  • What if God wants us to give gifts to him by giving gifts to each other?
  • What if God wants us to give affection by giving affection to each other as often as possible?
  • What if God wants us to notice the little things that the divine accomplishes each and every day?
  • What if loving God really is as simple as being kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving as frequently as humanly possible, even when you are presented with ample excuses not to?

All of these things can be attempted continually, not just on Sundays or when begged by charitable organizations.

That makes me think of the client a week ago. She is one of the beautiful women I had noticed, and I happen to know we share an awful lot of the same challenges. I was simply thinking that she was such a beautiful person that I wished that she knew that, that she could see her beauty instead of all of the challenges. I know I wish that for myself quite frequently.

As I was thinking all of this, that voice I hear more and more often, quietly nagged me to be honest and tell her. I replied I can’t, I’m not supposed to. I was again told to say it, that she needed to hear it. So, I gave in, and in the gentlest way I said the following: “Please don’t take this the wrong way; I’m not sure if you’re having a tough spot, but I am being told you need to hear this. You are a beautiful woman and even though I know you share many challenges like I face, you are amazing and a wonderful person. You really are a beautiful person.” She had replied that she was having a rough spot and did really need to hear that. She thanked me and we both shed a couple of tears. After the massage she gave me a hug.

Something that technically inches toward encroaching on board ethics was exactly what the divine needed me to voice in that moment. I could have held to my excuse and avoided possible ramifications all-together. As it is, I took the gentlest route around it that I could, and she will never know that I briefly contemplated the physical attraction to her. I was able to look past the excuse in that moment and find the happy medium to help pass a message from the divine that she really needed to hear. Those are the moments that I cherish and look forward to. Those are the moments that I am extra grateful for, and honestly hope that God knows I am doing my best to oblige as frequently as possible.

I love knowing that I am helping God to heal and help people, I love feeling God’s presence, and I love being able to pass that feeling on to others. I love knowing that God loves me, even when I have had a life full of less than stellar moments. I am addicted to love, especially God’s love. One day perhaps that will manifest in the family I have so very much desired. Perhaps that one day will be after I die. Regardless, I will continue to do my best to give my love to the divine presence that saved my life and said I could call it Shiva.

Siva Hir Su

ET is helping me water my seeds… part 2

My fantasy this morning was the idea of my adulting room and bathroom in the main home of Atira. Not just for the obvious reasons.

This morning I thought about how nice it would be to have a bathroom where everyone actually kept their stuff orderly and clean, where teenagers didn’t get my Q-tips soggy with their face scrubby, and where each other’s toiletries and accessories were respected. Then I thought of how nice it would be to get to chill out time on one of those giant love sack cushions, just the simplicity of an hour of silence away from children in comfort. An hour of alone time relaxation: adult serenity. That would be so wonderful. I very much look forward to one day having my dome with the 3rd floor child-free room and bathroom. That will be nice, to access those things regularly.

Though wonderful thoughts they were, I’m not sure that my ET had anything to do with them. However, that divine masculine did suggest the trip to Unity Village on my day off.

I’ve been aware of Unity Village for several years now, ever since a friend stayed at their hotel to regroup and avoid divorce. She needed the alone time I’m always seeking, and retreat to Unity for several days provided that for her.

So this last Sunday, we took the kids to a giant playground in Lee’s Summit and while there I thought of it and asked Nathan to check it out. He said that is great idea, and since he’d actually gone before he was happy to take me.

We wandered their campus gardens and fountains for a while and Nathan showed us things by car, both on the way in and out.

Their flowers were beautiful and the fountains gorgeous and I took lots of pictures in between attempting to keep my children out of the water.

What I was most interested in was the peaceful nature their grounds carry, I absolutely loved that. They have definitely found a way to allow the serenity of the chapel to flow everywhere. I really appreciated that this week.

I also enjoyed noting how much of Unity Village overlaps with my idea of Atira. This is a third intentional community with many of the elements of what I desire in Atira. Really if I could take Unity Village, Lily Dale, and Camp Gaea and relocate them to the same physical place, using mostly monolithic dome construction, you’d have my Atira.

  • I love that Unity Village had its own power plant and water tower.
  • I also love that their water tower doubled as office space, that was a really cool element that you don’t often see.
  • I loved that they had a school, as I’ve always wanted that for Atira, at least in the long-range plans.
  • I loved that they had work-out facilities.
  • I loved that they had a bookstore and coffee shop… that’s similar to a portion of the shops I have wanted at Atira.
  • I loved the hotel being a solution for temporary housing.
  • I loved that their village was all people that worked or somehow supported Unity Village. Permanent resident caretakers. That’s what I’ve always wanted for Atira.
  • I loved the connection to the divine and the many ways they found to incorporate that into the overall environment.
  • I loved that much of the structures were built with conservation and reusable materials in mind – recycled concrete made several of their archways.

I loved noting all the beautiful elements and things that Unity shares with my concept of Atira, it was a much needed serene detour of experience and thought. Yet another validation that my idea is entirely reachable and sustainable. One day.

So I give gratitude for my spirit making the suggestion. I give gratitude for the time on a day off to experience the village. I give gratitude for diversity of thought and those that have come before. I give gratitude for the serenity and validation. I give gratitude for the desire for more. I give gratitude to the divine helping to water my seeds of Atira.

May you all have expansive moments of validation that you are on the right path. May you all find the things you seek in your present moments, and may you all feel your connection guiding you to greater awareness and appreciation.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Some of my images from the experience:

A moment of inspired irreverence.

So this morning I was simply contemplating my sailor like language at times, but acknowledging that not all swears carry a low vibration. Ultimately that was my concern: am I affecting my vibration, bringing it down, by swearing so much.

Then suddenly I remembered watching a comedian montage about the versatility of swear words. The exact bit that popped into my head was his way of delivering “fuck that shit” vs “fuck yeah”. So, I wanted to share and went looking for the stint I was inspired with. I searched YouTube to no avail. I never found exactly that one.

However, I did find 3 others equally funny.

Those I’ll share here. I hope you enjoy this comedic irreverence this morning, especially since it raises your vibration to the fun/funny/laughing level, and was inspired thought at it’s inception.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Processing…

Like Windows 3.1

First, because I can:

MC Yogi’s “Be The Change” The song is available on most streaming services, and I bought it through GooglePlay Music for .99. I highly recommend it.

Secondly:

Mumford and Sons with Baaba Maal “There Will Be Time” and “Si Tu Veux”

These are also available through most streaming services especially for purchase via GooglePlay Music.

I start with these songs, because this week in particular they are resonating with me very, very strongly. They always have, as least as long as I have known of them, but it seems that it has intensified this week. As have many things.

Last week my attention was brought to a book I am familiar with from my childhood. “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L. Engle. First I heard discussion of it among others in talking about the movie being on Netflix. Then I had mentioned it to my teenager, as an if you haven’t already you should read it. Then one of my elderly clients was rambling and interjected it without any clarification. It stuck out as though it didn’t pertain to anything else she was saying. As soon as I acknowledged that it had to be a message, my husband texted that he had seen a flyer for a local theatre group doing it as a play.

My response: FINE! I’ll re-read the book.

I did, and it took me about 6 hours over 4 days.

I was assaulted over and over with how many things in my existence seem to be from that book. I am always searching for my “Happy Medium”. I feel like the main character Meg quite often. I have many moments in my life where strange things occur that I should be saying “that’s weird” but seem to feel like it’s normal for me. I often find myself wishing for someone or something like Meg’s mother stating “Just because we don’t understand it with our human minds doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.”

Even things like numbers that appeared in the book repeating in my daily life, and the one character speaking in other’s languages seems to have carried into my understanding of my languages.

Above and beyond it all, is my search, my quest to destroy IT.

IT has manifested as depression and anger/rage in my life. I know I need to kill IT with LOVE, but it seems like that is a far more repetitive process than the book implied. One that I find myself still questing after to this day, albeit less intensely than when that journey started.

I read the book when I was very young. Much younger than the audience it is intended for. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I read it, and it was one of many books, having also plowed through the entire CS Lewis “Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe” series. Yet this book seems to have stuck on a very deep level. It was so intense re-reading the book so many years later, that at several points I found myself stopping to wipe tears away.

There were a few moments while reading that I could literally hear someone commenting on what I was reading that it meant more for me than the words on the page. I literally heard that this was my key, that what I needed was in that book. That it meant mountains to me, and that I had very special gifts. There was a reason I am good at multiple things including math, science, and language and have an innate ability to provide healing to others. My unique set of talents were very important to the universe. I just need to figure out how.

The line I am still repeating to myself: “Everyone has talents, it is how you use them that matters.”

Now I am processing. And Processing. And Processing.

Very slowly.

Fortunately in a couple of days I’ll have plenty of time for processing.

So far at the moment, I feel the link between that and other positive triggers in my life such as “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein and the afore mentioned CS Lewis series. Even somehow there is a link to my resonance with “Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry” and “Siddhartha”. I’m just having a devil of a time knowing what I am grasping at. Much like Meg when the sisters explained Tessering to her. I think I got it just for a moment, but not enough to explain it properly to another. Sadly after having re-read the book I think I understand the concept of Tessering better than what I am grasping at for myself.

So much so, that I began to wonder, is that a real possibility. I’ve had numerous conversations with people about how Heinlein was a genius that wrote of things that we are now working on making real. What if Ms. Engle had somehow tapped into a thought wave that was based in possibilities. She was writing a kids book, but now we are researching the real possibility of teleportation. What if Tesseract or Tessering is a real possibility that no one has put dollars into researching, and if so the ramifications of the book give a pretty clear warning of what could possibly go wrong in such experimentation. It also instills hope that once accomplished and perfected it would literally unleash a universe of possibilities. So, though scary, it brings hope in its wake.

It also makes me think of discussions I’ve had with people exploring the possibility of Quantum jumping. That by focused thought alone we could jump to an alternate timeline, and alternate reality of your own spirit. The theory leads to the possibility of leaps in improvement. I have often thought of those concepts as: it sounds too good to be true; but is it?

Are we limiting ourselves by disbelief because we simply don’t understand the how of its possibility. Can one find belief without understanding? That is a rhetorical question, mainly for myself. I struggle with faith when I allow myself to believe in the unknown. Often flip flopping like a fish on the deck of a boat, hoping to flop myself back into the comfort of the water of knowing.

What if it really is as simple as convincing yourself of your belief and then adding LOVE?

It seems too easy, but that as my wonderful husband pointed out, is because I have been well convinced by my parents and society that it has to be hard. I have been well trained that working hard is the best and only way, and boy have I mastered that one to get pittance of results in the means that were promised (finances, success, power).

Perhaps the thread I am working at pulling on means simply to let go and let things be simple. Let my beliefs build and give them faith and LOVE. Trust myself and the divine. Perhaps I will be the one to allow myself to Tesser, and when science comes and rescues my arse, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do!

Until that day, I’ll start with some more practical beliefs, and perhaps just allow that maybe, just maybe Tessering or Quantum Jumping is a real possibility that I may or may not figure out.

May you all find your moments of knowing regardless of understanding, find the path where your particular set of talents serve the divine in their highest good, and find the faith to trust the divine process. Above all, may you find your LOVE for yourself and everything else, including your beliefs.

As Above, So Below. So Mote it Be. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Yet More Clarity

I’m totally over experiencing more contrast. I’m okay with some smooth sailing for a while, but to get there I must endure the remnants of my previous creations and keep reminding myself of the better things yet to come. So every negative ping is an opportunity to focus on what my inner-being is saying to me. So I’m going to just list some things by category (no particular order) that are the higher vibration positive thought of my negative pings of recent history.

Political Pings result in:

My Government works fairly well most of the time, and classically we as a country have fared better than many countries in the world.

Regardless of others’ opinions on how one should voice their concerns, at least we have the freedom to do just that in any way we choose; and eventually companies will realize how much that is a good thing and support all of those in their employ that choose to make intense valuable statements to help right wrongs in our history.

I understand that our military has fought for those rights, and they were trained very well that the flag is what they are fighting for. I also understand that the flag is merely a symbol of our greater democracy and ALL of its constituents, so really the military is fighting for all of us and all of our rights. Thus, I would think that there are those in the military that understand what they are truly fighting for- a major part being: our freedom of speech and to be able to generate positive changes through that freedom. So, regardless of how someone chooses to make a statement, ideally our military should acknowledge that they did fight for all of us. Additionally, if someone feels they need to make a big statement using the flag as their tool, then one would hope that everyone could realize it is just a tool, just a symbol, and see how important that statement is. As Summer Osborne sang “It was not just for some, it is for every single one”. If we have citizens that feel it does not reflect them or protect them, we should correct so that they will feel it holds that value for them as well. If the flag is to be a symbols for everyone, then make sure solutions point to that, or acknowledge that currently it is only protecting some, and make improvements so that one day it does include all of our citizens.

I know that my government does have some people in it, that really do care about the citizens of the country. Those people are doing their best, to find the best solutions, for the broadest portion of the population, that their decisions affect.

I know that really when you boil most of the apparent differences down, at the heart is a country wanting to be heard and wanting decisions in our government to reflect that.

I know that it is possible for love, and definitely acceptance, to overcome the negative issues in our country right now. It may take time, but it is certainly possible.

I look forward to seeing more people in our government that want to come together and find common ground to find the most solutions possible. I know that this coming election is a period that could generate many more of those individuals. I sincerely hope that our population can look for those most ideal representatives and place their votes for those candidates in confidence.

Our government can and will start doing better as people begin to focus more positively and on more solutions.

Home pings result in:

I’m totally ready to settle down, find my for-a-long-time home, my home-base to launch travels from. I know that this move may not be that ‘final’ move, but I’m getting closer to being able to do that. I’m listening to my inner-being better and eventually it will guide me to the resources and circumstances to be able to accomplish that. I really really look forward to that day. I remember the story from “The Secret” where the one guy moved something like 6 times in 4 years, but his last move was his dream home. I’m hopeful that I could be on that same trajectory right now. In which case its perfectly ok that I’m having to move again.

I have enjoyed being in a house with running water and efficient/stable electricity and internet. Having gone through a period without those things has definitely helped me to have a  much greater appreciation of them now. I look forward to our next home having as good if not better utilities.

I also have enjoyed being in an environment that was in better state of upkeep and with some color on the walls. It is nice and helps with a feeling of home and coziness. I like that a lot. I look forward to a home in excellent repair and the ability to make rooms the colors we choose. That will be nice.

Our neighborhood has been good, it’s quiet and cozy and everyone looks out for each other, they are friendly and welcoming. I appreciate that cooperativeness in neighbors, and look forward to our next neighborhood being that or even better.

I did enjoy being in the country, but I do also enjoy being closer to work. I am hopeful that we will find a home that is really close to work and has a touch of the feel that being in the country brings. I am sure that somewhere near work I can find a home with lots of trees and a little more secluded from the busy thoroughfares, because that does sound so wonderful and I know that God/my inner-being will help guide us to that.

I have especially appreciated that this home has fit within our budget even with having taken time off for having the baby. I am very appreciative that we had enough to get through, and I know that we will find another home that fits the bill. We will continue to have enough. God will continue to make sure we get through. Everything will be ok.

People pings result in:

I love feeling loved and I love feeling appreciated, and I love giving both in return.

Sometimes things just don’t work out, and I love knowing that I don’t have to let my heart get broken, that it is a choice and effort of focus. Even if I’m not there yet, I can be with a little (even a lot of) practice. If I practice well enough the next people in my life will meet my desires more readily.

I love that my husband is so very supportive of me in every way that he is able. I really appreciate that he has made great efforts and strides in keeping to his promises, no matter how big or how small. He has done much better at staying on top of things and getting everything done that he says he’s going to.

I am appreciative of when people tell me things and then follow through. I know that things do happen and people are not perfect, but I acknowledge that they have the best of intentions when they tell me things. I look forward to people giving me honest responses that include what could happen if “plan A” does not quite work out, what is their “plan b, c or d”.

I look forward to being surrounded by many people that work as diligently on finding their inner-being as I am working. Inspired people, lead to inspired actions, and then everything flows smoothly and easily, and everyone ends up happy. I love that idea.

I love that I am beginning to see my fears and angers for what they are, and I’m beginning to use that to push myself to find the god-force view of things. I look forward to all of my family being able to do that too. In fact I look forward to everyone around me being able to do that. It will propel us all too better days and away from restricting ourselves to rehashing the old negatives repeatedly. We all want improvement in one way or another or many ways, and finding that other view does seem to be an efficient way to find that improvement.

I have realized that as much as I enjoy mutuality with others on good or fun topics, I love so much more, finding mutuality with my higher-self that sees everything in the best way possible. I really, really care about what influence I’m under, and even though I’m still working on catching myself, I get better at it every day that I keep practicing my focus.

I know that when I’m the most hurt, most upset, most angry, it is the biggest and best opportunity to really learn how to refocus and find my inner-self; and even though it’s not instantaneous, it can be done fairly quickly if I really focus. It’s really rally satisfying to know that.

All of the negative situations and people in the last couple of years has really helped me to learn this process. I’m doing amazingly better than I was in 2015 and 2016. That is priceless, and means eventually my river will feel like smooth sailing. I am hopeful now, that it will even be such, very soon.

Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is merely to learn how to not do what they did, how to remain focused on higher more positive responses. Again a push to keep practicing. I prefer so much for feel secure and safe over fearful. I love so much to find appreciation over anger. I love knowing that by working on my thoughts I am improving my life in ALL ways. I am literally healing every aspect of my life, one thought at a time.



The one thing I haven’t had as many negative pings lately is on my health. I still have some saggy and floppy bits from having baby 4 months ago, but they are working on retreating, so I know they will firm up eventually. Beyond that I’ve had so many people telling me that I look good these days that I am very happy with my progress. When others know I’ve lost weight and see my glow, I know I am doing well. It helps me feel so much better knowing my efforts have paid off, and it is very encouraging so I’ll keep at it. I love feeling good and I know that my beliefs have have led to this path to finding feeling good. Eventually those beliefs will improve and create ease, but for now I will stick with the resulting path of least resistance to physically having optimum health.

Thank you Abraham/Collective-Consciousness for all of your guidance.

Thank you God/Shiva/Poseidon/Cuernunnos

Thank you Goddess/Kali/Gaea/Brighid

 

Oscillating again.

I’m having a devil of a time attempting to stay buoyant these days. Between the discouraging lack of affordable decent housing, and being unable to let go of and move on from the boy, I keep finding myself in the hole. It doesn’t help that my depression puzzle pieces keep falling out of place, not all at the same time, but it seems I struggle to keep 3 or 4 of the six together at any given moment. It definitely contributes to my down-ness.

Anyway, this post is intended to get my mind on happy thoughts for as long as I can, so it might end up being long (apologies in advance).

 My goal is to show what I would love for the inside of my home to look like. Right now I’m really, really far from my desired look, and no one picture or item conveys the complexity of what I want. So I’m going to show as many elements as I can and describe what I like about them or why. 

My examples are pulled from online(google), and there’s a bunch of pictures, so I didn’t cite their sources. However, most of them, the screen shots caught the descriptions, so you’re welcome to get to them that way. I just want to clarify that these are all found images that I happen to appreciate, I take no credit for their existence.

So to start, I wanted to show furniture styles that I have always liked. I love furniture that looks clean and simple, but also is very functional. These pics are things that represent styles I’ve always liked. The qualifier here is I also like color, so even though these are muted colors, I’d rather have beautiful shades of reds and greens and blues. 

The sofa I love because it’s not only a guest sleeper, but it has a huge storage compartment under the chaise, and it’s affordable.

Chairs: I still like clean lines and simple designs, but I much prefer high back chairs for good back and neck support.

Chaise: I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted just one of these. Perhaps it’s because several of my favorite novels from years back had one in their story lines.

Bedroom happiness: more clean lines, more organization. Color, in the bedroom, for me, falls in linens, curtains, and wall colors, so I’m OK with neutral colored furniture. I usually prefer lighter neutral furniture, but I do think I’d like to try having the dark woods in my own bedroom for a change. The more easy storage the better, it helps reduce and eliminate clutter.

I’d love to have a huge closet with built in customized shelves and drawers, but the more realistic, regular life solution is the very affordable Ikea beauties I like below. Mmmm that  would be nice.

Finally the environment: I do love color. I have always loved color like you find in Mexico, Greece, India, and China. At one point I thought it would be amazing to have a room decorated with each feel in mind. I also thought it would be great to have color themed bedrooms like castles in England… ” you’ll be staying in the blue (or green, etc.) room, just down the hall, first door on the left”. I’m not sure I’d actually go that far, but it’s a nice idea. So, with that in mind, here are some color schemes I found that I like.

The first three images, I also love the open spaciousness and simplicity. I love that they look clean, and homey, but not filled with clutter. Just enough artwork to be  interesting, but not too much for the eyes to take in.

More themed color and great storage.

These last 3 I really love the colors, but they are a bit more busy and cluttered looking than I’d like.

So now, you have a good idea of what I’d love for my home to look like. I’m sure there’s more I could elaborate on, but this is definitely a good start, and spending the time looking for pics and writing about the results definitely got my mind in a better place. That much was a great success. Here’s to more up moments, and hopefully to a great birthday soon as well.

Dancing like Sugar Plums

So I’ve referenced having had visions of the man on several occasions. It seems that if he returns to my life it is likely not any time soon (unless he’s scheming something and not telling me- entirely possible I’m sure). I know I have given him links to my blog in the past, so this particular post could potentially bite me in the ass.

However, I feel like I need to document what those visions I’ve had were, and take that risk. Partly for me to cling to them because they feel so darn good, and partly as documentation. A, just in case they do pan out, I can validate myself by saying see- I wrote this post back in August 2017 when I was under the impression you had left the mid-west. How was I to know they would actually come to pass?! Honestly, the idea of that conversation feels really, really good! Keep doing that, beating that drum, my 808.

Anyway, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this all in perfectly coherent order, or even very clear, but my goal is to describe all of the insights I’ve had.


The very first one I  had, was giving him a hug. That simple. But it was like a memory of really hugging your mom early in life. I could feel his clothes rubbing my skin. I saw and felt the brown suit-coat he was wearing, I slid my arms between the suit-coat and his shirt and felt the warmth. I could feel the muscles in his back, and smell- the gentle smell of a clean man. I could see his face (but initially on the first several instances I couldn’t see his eyes), I saw the shape of his chin and his cheeks. I whispered in his ear “Thank you” with his name several times. His initial reaction was almost stunned still holding his arms open, and after a few moments he very gently hugged me back. It was a long hug, very comforting.

After experiencing that several times over, I did eventually see his eyes. Beautiful deep brown eyes like Nathans, but his seemed to have honey colored flecks in them. Very expressive and full of emotion. When I first saw his eyes, they were full of fear. Since then they have softened, but still seem to carry concern.



The next vision I had was in a dream. I literally had a dream of myself looking in a big oval mirror. The mirror was very fancy and unlike any in my daily life. I was standing there checking myself, and stopped in awe. I had seen what I was wearing, like really seeing it for the first time, like I had no idea that’s what I had on. It was my reaction in the mirror that caused me to step back in the dream. I could see that I was wearing a beautiful bright red sari with thousands of gold and silver beads on it. It was like the Indian version of the dresses the Jersey gypsies wear in that reality show. Very glitzy and glamorous and very beautiful. I’ve never worn anything like that, even the one time I did wear a sari it was a relatively plain blue one. In the dream I was just in awe at the intricacy of the beading, and how good I looked in it. It was so beautiful that I wanted to cry.

My wedding dress for marrying Nathan was a simple renaissance style dress that I made myself. It cost $200 in fabric, and many hours of sewing, and though I was happy with it, I knew it was not the beautiful traditional wedding dress that most women have. I never really wanted the white dress, but I think I always wondered if the dress I made was as beautiful as I hoped for it to look. I think I convinced myself that it was beautiful enough, but I know there is probably part of me that had wished it was fancier to show how important the occasion was. I know I had looked at some beautiful handmade dresses from England that were made with rich brocade fabrics and had embroidered details. They were the inspiration for my much more plain results.

So, then this dream with the beautiful glitzy red sari, I did actually cry. It was such an amazing dream, and one that is still somewhat unbelievable to me. I have no idea how that would ever actually be possible.


At that point though, I was hooked on this man. After those 2 visions, I thought this guy must be a sure thing. So I created a visualization to guide a vision. When I do that I start by meditating, getting myself into that nice comforting space. Then I start with what I know and build on it, eventually turning lose the reins to see a response. So, I started with the visage that I saw in the first one, the hug. I created him walking into a place like Panera.

I greeted him and hugged him again. Then asked him to sit in a booth and I sat across from him. I told him I’d waited what seemed like forever for that moment and that I was really happy to see him. He just nodded.

I told him about working with Reiki and how it is really just another form of energy that science is just now starting to contemplate. That science hasn’t even scratched the surface of it yet. I asked if I could demonstrate it for him. He nodded again. So I had him hold his hands palms up on the table and put my hands just above his, but not touching. I ran through all of the Reiki elements I have been trained on, plus the 2 that have been “given” to me in more recent years. I finished by pumping pure love,  Ed Edwards style. As I did my half of the visualization I watched for his facial expressions. They ran through a whole array of expressions just like people that I’ve worked with do. When I finished I asked him if he felt anything and he nodded and whispered yes. I asked if he could feel changes or differences at points during what I did, and got the same response.

The first time I did that, that was where I ended (more like ran out of steam, it takes a lot of mental energy to do something like that). I repeated the exercise another time, and on the repeat with the Reiki I told him details about what I was doing and had him nod when he felt a change, so I could move on to the next element. At the end I told him about the pumping my love to him and he started crying. It startled me, so I never did it just that way again. I told Nathan about the crying and Nathan said it made sense to him, but I still feel bad about making the man cry. So much so, that now I just send general love to him and haven’t created that space since.


Somewhere in the midst of that time frame I had another dream, this would have been about October I think. Late last fall anyways.

In the dream I was telling Anya and Ian that I was pregnant. Nathan was sitting next to me on one side, and the man was sitting next to me on the other. As would be expected Ian was unfazed and wandered off to play. Anya however did the “but, but…” protest that I think all older siblings do, especially when they’ve had to help with youngers. I replied: “Well, it’s perfect really. You are your mom and Nathan; Ian is Nathan and me. This baby is me and (the man- I said his name in the dream). It’ll be a perfect blended family, and everyone that’s still alive is here. We’re all one happy family.”

That was where I woke up. I told Nathan the next morning, and he replied “Yeah, I knew that”. I said really, you couldn’t have filled me in. Nathan joked: “Well it seems I didn’t need to!” Geesh.


The kiss came shortly thereafter while I was driving. Just as vivid as the hug. I literally felt his lips touch mine.


I also had several instances where he was thinking about me and I felt it very, very intensely in my body. One of them we conversed about an hour afterward and he confirmed what I felt. There have been several lesser in intensity.


One dream, was a projection of the first time we’re intimate. It was so vivid that it is still surreal to think about. Obviously being a public blog I’m not going to give details on this one, for the sake of any minors that might come across this. However, it is so vivid that I look forward to finding out how accurate the visuals are. I’m pretty sure that if my visuals are accurate I could go clothing shopping for him. It was amazing and left me reeling  with perma-grin the whole following day.



More recently, in response to questions I’ve had, both Nathan and I have had visuals on his soon to be wife. We just wanted to know what she looked like, and how she acted, her general demeanor and disposition. I think we’ve gotten that answer.

I saw her sitting at a desk very focused on books and papers in front of her. Nathan got a similar vision. We both have seen her as very slender,  average height to tall-ish, almost like Anya’s current build. She seems quiet and I’ve only ever seen her hair up in a bun. She also seems very subdued and like she doesn’t want attention, but she’s very pretty. I feel like she wants platonic love (like parents and kids, or siblings share), but isn’t ready or interested in sex or other types of intimacy: because in my visuals she will take hugs every time, but shys away from other actions.

That’s ok, I just wanted to know. I don’t know why I want to know so badly, except for the fact that at some point she may be brought into my life by the man. I don’t like being blind-sided, and I feel like I would be more outwardly welcoming to her with some level of knowing- i.e. my actions try to meet her needs. Otherwise, I feel like if she is willing to deal with me and my family, and accepting of being family with us, then she is welcome anytime, and I’ll do my best to help her feel welcome.


Another vision I had sitting on the sofa watching TV. I literally glazed over watching TV, and started daydreaming. I looked down while in the daydream and saw the man’s head resting on my belly. I realized that he was listening for the heartbeat of baby. I reached down and felt his hair, and rested my hand on his shoulder.

It was a very brief visual, but one that made my heart swell. I felt an expansion of love that was very great and amazing.


Recently I have had moments where I felt like my cheek was being touched. I’ve felt sensations on my lips several times. I have felt hands on my shoulders. All very comforting. Those I can’t specifically say relate to him, but I think of him every time I feel something, so in a synchronicity sort of way, I do feel like they at least encourage thoughts of him.



Then there was the energetic interaction I wrote about in the 2 blogs: “The Why of Love” (June 30th) and follow up in “If nothing else my garden is doing great.” (July 1st). I literally heard him say “It’s not just me, it’s my whole family, my whole life, it’s everything.” I felt like we were having a conversation. One that ended feeling very good in another intimate type feeling interaction. Again very vivid and very surreal. That one was so intense I was almost in disbelief that he wasn’t in the room. It didn’t help that that particular interaction caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting it, and I was actually in the middle of doing something else when it started. It literally distracted me from doing part of my regular routine. I have yet to understand how I’m having such intense experiences with not a stitch of mind altering anything in my system, and especially when the subject at hand is thousands of miles away from me.


Lastly was the lunch meditation at work on July 27th. It was the really good day right before the 2 bad days (wrote about those in “help is on it’s way”). Anyway, I had intended to just have a quiet moment to recenter and ground a bit.

I seemingly slipped into deep meditation very easy on that particular occasion, and instead was drawn into more.

Right away I was taken by an intense visual of a peregrine falcon in dive. I know what this looks like because it was the logo for a small business I worked for at one point. However, in the meditation it was like a real peregrine was right in front of me, super vivid and super intense. That image was swept away by a view of mountains. I felt something on my neck and realized that I was being kissed from behind. I felt hands running down my shoulders and arms. It was nice. I felt a tug and stepped backward to follow it, the view of the mountains was a view from a very large window, curved at the top. The hands guided me backward and I felt the cool sensations of glass block on my back (something I’ve always wanted for the bathroom in the top of the dome). I knew I was in my dome house that I’ve always dreamt of.

The hands were the man. I could hear Nathan and the kids in the background (probably downstairs I inferred). We laid on the bed and I could feel the satiny sheets on my skin. It was so beautiful. I felt so beautiful. I felt loved. I felt peace and calm. I felt like everything was perfect, had gone perfectly, I was blissful. The interactions were all blissful. The breathtaking view was amazing and I just kept thinking this is it, this is the dome. This is Atira.

I know that the energy of that meditation was real, because the rest of the day everyone kept commenting on how good I looked, and complimenting me. What I intended as a quick 5 min grounding turned into a 20 min blissful vision of the future that left ripples for the rest of my day. The gratitude is still intense for me.


That is all of them. At least up to this point. I hope they do come true, but even if they don’t I enjoyed all of the moments. Every last one of them felt good, and still do. I can’t imagine that all of that feeling good doesn’t help. According to Abraham Hicks and Ms. Hay, good feeling visions like that are inspiration and lead to good manifestations in the future. So even if he doesn’t come back, something else good will. That I am going to hold on to, and use this as a reminder.

Finally, thank you for reading all of my ramblings. I know I use a lot of words and write a lot. Nathan teases me about it all the time, because I originally didn’t think I had anything to say that anyone else would want to read. Now I find that I’m mostly writing for myself and it’s a bonus that others find it interesting enough to read. That I appreciate very, very much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.