Tag Archives: introspection

Beautifully scary.

I love, openly and without limits.

I love my brothers of blood, or none.

I love sister, even when distantly held.

I love my mom, dad, grandparents I once knew.

I love men and women of all sorts.

Many I barely know- our lives crossing so briefly.

Yet, honor and respect them for the example they’ve set.

Then there’s those special few.

That crept into my heart.

Nathan, my love, stayed when others could or would not.

I could not keep them, could not manipulate them, could not make them stay.

Even if I wanted to, even if I could.

I know they are their own; they deserve every bit of freedom I seek.

My heart still hopes.

For their presence, for their affection.

Maybe they still think of me from time to time.

Maybe they have fond memories of our paths crossing.

I know I still do, and my heart aches in desire of our paths one day crossing again.

I cherish my memories and believe.

Believe that I am good enough.

I am worthy enough.

Perfection is not necessary, no human is perfect.

My intelligence may be scary.

My knowing daunting.

My strength intimidating.

My perseverance resented.

My versatility envied.

Yet those are my most beautiful qualities.

Those are the qualities that I cherish in myself.

Those are the things that protected and kept me safe when no other human, could.

Those are my gifts from God.

One day, there will be several that see that.

I will have my family, those chosen by my heart and soul.

They will get along because they will share common ground.

They will share an appreciation of not just my gifts, but all of our unique gifts.

No surprises can be found when people allow the self to focus on only the best qualities.

Faults become normal, merely mundane background noise.

Common ground, common appreciation, unified choices…

All based in love.

That is a dream worth dreaming.

I will include in it, the ones I really wish would return.

But my dream need not stop there.

There may be more I’ve not met yet.

I love myself, AND because I deserve more, I allow myself to dream of more.

Dream sweet dreams.

Let your brain know you love your self.

Dream of fun, joy, good times, and great big grand dreams.

Let your self lead the way.

Dream of things you love and cherish.

That is the ultimate way to love self.

Calm, soothe, ease back into happy desires.

It is always worth it.

In that place there is no jealousy, no envy, no intimidation, nothing scary.

There is only love.

Focus is all one needs.


My words are always a part of my thoughts, but never all of my thoughts. I use my blog to eliminate some and focus on others. Some days my dreams tip the scales, some days my fears win. Always I reach for the best place I can. More and more my dreams win, and often I settle somewhere in the middle, my hopes being a strong focus.

If you’re one of the few in my heart, I hope you feel it. Know that even the best of intentions can fail, but one thing is certain- my love is always there for those in my heart. Amends are always better than permanent loss. Anything is better than nothing. My heart loves deeply and I deserve equally deep, open, accepting, and forgiving love.

For others: may you see your own gifts and beauty. May you know you love and are loved. May we always feel the love in our hearts. May you know and feel your connections, especially to God. May you have bright days and big dreams. May you believe in your own deserving -ness. May you have wonderful desires that keep you going. May you know it could always be worse and express gratitude for your journey being less difficult. May you honor your temple known as your body and nourish it for healing and optimal health. May you feel the love in all of the ways that this world has to offer.

Siva Hir Su

Character on the stage of life.

“All the world’s a┬ástage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” -William Shakespeare

My one brother, at the wedding in October, told me that he had no idea how I did it. He was referencing my life and the hours I work and everything I do for my family. This is the brother I have always felt had his shit together the best. Of all our family, I thought he was the smartest, I thought he was the most disciplined, I thought he was the most organized and well respected.

Yet, here he was telling me that he had no idea how I did it, and my only answer was: I had to, I didn’t really feel I had any other options. Between loving my husband, and being raised that welfare and social programs were a necessary unwanted evil, as well as divorce being a last resort, I just knew it was sink or swim. I chose to swim the best I could, and I think most of us would aim for that.

I have played meek and I have played strong. I have played timid, bashful, and shy; yet also confident, outgoing and talkative.

I have played the hard worker, the dependable, the confidant. I have over-played my hand and underplayed my skills, but managed by the grace of God to be successful in my business and support my family. I have surprised and delighted many and disappointed probably twice as many. I have been well spoken and diplomatic, but other times I have inserted foot-in-mouth. I sometimes make the best joker, but other times miss the joke all together.

I’m a fierce warrior like Joan of Arc, that frequently wishes to run and hide, rather wishing for a better Knight to save me. And spiritually: Jesus couldn’t reach me for the burden of my childhood, so I found Shiva as an adult (really they are one and the same, 2 aspects of the same divine masculine).

I’m a mother who gave birth to two beautiful healthy children and helped a third start her life. I’m the father that fixes what’s broken, makes a better home, and provides for it all. I have lady parts, but men’s hormones and hair- just not enough of them to count for their benefits. I’m attracted to both, and want them all to love me and get along with each other.

I’m an animal lover guilty of having consumed more than my fair share of non-pets. I’m a creative artist that can do calculus, though a bit rusty at both right now. I’m an excellent massage therapist, and decent musician and cook.

Merely a Tool for Introspection

So for the last 15 or so years I’ve occasionally pulled cards for clarity on inner guidance. Tonight I had a couple of hours to myself and decided to do just that.

My husband has always found my card readings to be very entertaining, and needless to say I never read for others only me and him. I rarely use set layouts, and the deck of choice depends on the day. Heck sometimes I’ve even used more than one deck in a single reading- I remember one time I was trying to figure out something fairly complex and involved 4 decks at once. For me I listen to my inner voice for guidance, and if I’m looking for particular info I say that as I’m shuffling and picking decks.

Tonight my request for clarity was on all things of late. I set intention for the top row to represent 2 people (top left & center) and myself (top right) with supporting info along the bottom row.

I used a new deck that Nathan had recently ordered through Wish- just for fun & to see if it would be helpful.

I set the aforementioned intention as I shuffled & as soon as I “heard” my inner voice/thought-dialogue say “cut”, I did just that. Then proceeded to lay cards in the order intended while shuffling.

I got the following layout:

The lighting sucked and was making it hard to see, so I carefully gathered everything and moved to the bedroom with all the lights on. Much better, but as I was re-laying the cards a single card fell off the deck, so I included it to the side & took an individual picture.

At that point Buddy decided he wanted loves and made himself very comfortable with utter disregard to what I’d started. It was OK. I petted whilst I looked at cards and looked things up.

I always start with my first blush impression:

 I noted that the 3 cards intended for people matched their genders, but there was a 4th woman “Empress” in the supporting info cards- I had a guess as to whom that might be (my great friend helping plan backup birth solutions).

 I knew that the top left card generally has to do with illusionary limitations or restrictions, so that person was likely dealing with that in some way, which did make sense to me. 

I noted that an awful lot of the cards were upside down: not always a bad thing, it can simply represent an over arching theme of feeling like things are upside down, which I must say is accurate from my perspective.

I noticed the lovers card, which was unintended validation of a portion of my quandary.

I noticed a theme of financial queries, which again is unintended validation of related concerns- though I myself wish it wasn’t.

Finally, my extra card was a simplified traditional version of my life goal. Home and family and prosperity. Yet what struck me the most was the baby and dog. I’ve been “dogged” by thoughts and messages involving dogs since my healing dream last summer, and I’m pregnant with baby. Hmm.

The last thing of note was the big cat of strength. That of Big Cats, like the dog, has been a common theme for me, reoccurring very frequently since last summer.

Those elements of dog & big cat, they are not readily defined in tarot meanings. I suspect they are either representative of a real figure/being (adopting a dog, the mountain lioness that lives around us, etc), or represent personalities at play for me in real people. Either way, this reading only reiterated, not giving a clearer meaning on that.

So, then I looked up details. I felt the clearest most easily understood definitions of each card were the ones I found through Biddy Tarot, though I did look at several other pages in my process.

I must say after reading each meaning especially considering the reversed meanings, I do feel like this was a helpful reading. It does give me some clarity.

And yes, “strength” reversed in my own spot is accurate: I do need to stop doubting and second guessing myself and relax back into my inner knowing and resulting strength. That really was the basis of even taking these couple of hours for introspection. I knew I’d  slipped in that realm, and having a physical validation of that helps.

So, regardless of the accuracy of the rest of the cards, I’m walking away with: keep listening to my inner me, and keep reaching for that 10 of pentacles/coins happy ending gift. I’d totally take the dog, dome home, and extended family living happily ever after. More trusting and more patience. Things will get better, one way or another.

May all of you find your personal tool(s) of introspection and reliably connect with your inner self.