Tag Archives: introverted

Creative relief.

Still no new home.

 Cats dwindled down to 3 again. One, sick from old age, was euthanized to prevent pain and suffering. Being she was having difficulty seeing, showing signs of kitty dementia, and when she tried sitting, couldn’t actually fully sit (kitty hip dysplasia) and be comfortable. We knew she was miserable. Our hearts went out to her as we helped her find a path back to god.  Salem our older male disappeared outdoors and after 2 months of searching and examining found similar stray cats we’ve given up. Social media gave us hopeful leads, but alas none were Salem.

The  2 others never took to being indoor kitties and were rehomed to a farm cat rescue where they’ll be happy as clams and well fed  in their preferred environment. 

That leaves Buddy and Missy (the brother & sister kittens) and Priss (my old fat calico). 

Buddy & Missy cuddling ( they’re the same age at about a year old, but Buddy has gotten much bigger and stockier). They are so adorable!:

The only recent cute shot of Priss I have, she was thoroughly enjoying lap snuggle with Anya.:

 

For the holidays, we have one tiny undecorated table top tree out, and so far Anya is the only one to have gifts, having gotten to use all the Walmart gift cards to buy new clothes.

So, Monday when I had my first actual day off in ages, I decided to be creative. $40 in supplies (including raw balsa wood boxes) and hours of work later, I made 2 beautiful portable altar boxes and a set of mini elemental candle holders. 

The idea was spawned from a borrowed set. The friend that helped me gain insight into my connection with the boy had loaned me hers knowing I’m never home for meditative space anymore. After almost 2 months of using hers it was time to get creative and make my own. Nathan got a box of his own as a gift.

It was much needed creative relief, and yielded beautiful results that I know at least that I’ll use.

The mess I made of our bedroom trying to work in tight quarters:

The green box left of buddy is the borrowed inspiration:

Nathan’s box with his favorite motif on the top:

inside:

outside top:

My box, Inside:

My box outside(s):

& the tiny candle holders:

I even got tiny statues of Ganesh and Shiva for both boxes. I want Kali ones too, but haven’t found those yet.

Being creative literally is not only enjoyable for me, but helps clear my head completely. I lose time, and don’t eat- not because I’m starving myself, but because my brain doesn’t even think about getting hungry. I don’t watch the clock, and I’m always surprised at how much time has passed. It in and of itself, it is often meaningful and meditative giving my brain a much needed tiny, tiny vacation. When all is done and my brain returns to “reality”, I get starvingly hungry very quick and then crash from fatigue. This instance was no different and was welcomed acknowledgement of my creative mini vacation from life.

I do have to confess that the insides are decoupaged papers, and the outside circular patterns were stencils that I then repainted over to cleanup edges. I could have done them manually, but it would have taken even more time to sketch out the designs and paint them completely from scratch. It’s something that I chose not to rush, knowing it was my only chance to complete the project anytime soon. Besides that I love the look of the metallic paints, and I’m super  grateful that I had beautiful custom altar boxes for the two of us by Yule. They’re perfectly appropriate.

The only little one left, that I need to find at least one gift for, is Ian. In theory that’s the easy one.

As much as I’d love to get gaggles of goodies, I simply can’t bear to cram anything else into our current situation. So gifts will wait for the New Year and a new home (& I foresee new organizational furniture first too). Besides I still want to get those beds I’ve had my eye on for ages. We’re all over sharing bed space with a tossing, turning toddler.

Beyond that, I got to play Santa for a friend that needed the emotional relief, if not the actual financial relief. I had great fun, and it felt really good to do something significantly good  for someone else. I’m very appreciative of that and hope that my future holds the ability to do a lot more of that.

Otherwise, I just keep trucking. Day after day, work and more work. I’ve worked 32 out of the last 35 days, and the only 2 days off in the near future are Christmas Day  and January 2nd. This schedule is already old, but until the divine manifests whatever it’s been trying to tell me about, it’s pretty much my only option.

 I’m grateful for the work and the income it provides, but I’ve had many conversations with thin air about how it’s not really my ideal, far from it in fact. 

I really hope that whatever is gestating in the ethers brings relief and moves me much closer to my ideal. I’m hoping the messages I’m getting about Valentine’s Day time frame (including my birthday) are clues of that something good, but I simply don’t know. Just that February is important somehow. Looking forward to better days.

Dreary, weary, exhausted; still chugging.

So I have a little bit of time to blog tonight. Quiet air-conditioned house of a friend. She’s at her kids’ game, and I’m waiting here to let other friends in when they arrive. I think this is the first quiet, ME time that I’ve had in over a month.

I miss that.

I’m introverted at heart, so when I don’t get that space it wears me down. I’ve worked very hard over the years, practicing my “smile like I care” face to deal with strangers and acquaintances on a daily basis for work. I’m pretty good at it now, but in my ideal universe I wouldn’t have to interface with the public- work with people directly. I think that is why I like Distance Reiki so much. I can still help people and provide healing services without actually having to socialize with the client. Socializing in and of itself is a stress for me. I do want to help people, but being able to do that without spending so much time conversing and socializing would be wonderful. Alas, for now I work predominately as a massage therapist, so I will continue to socialize to be able to continue to help people.

Beyond that, I love my family, very much, but sometimes- especially after having spent nearly a solid month in their company outside of work- I just wish they would go away and leave me alone. Being in a home with no walls is definitely a challenge for me. There is no space yet to call my own. Eventually there will be, but the biding of time is very challenging and I’ve already had multiple melt-downs. This is going to be an excruciating remodel process for me. I’m hanging in, but just barely.

There doesn’t seem to be enough thyroid medicine or lithium in the world for me right now, and I keep praying for my miracle healing so that my brain can make it through this time just a little easier. It seems that it will never come, after having made the same request of GOD for the last 21 years. I was telling my friend before she left that the few times I’ve used Pot as medicine, it’s worked. It helps balance my brain and take me out of Rage or Depression, to an even keel, and without even activating my asthma. However, it’s not legal here in Missouri yet, even as medicine. So  I keep trucking without it. If I get too desperate for mental balance I may disregard that and find some anyway, or take a day trip somewhere that it is. I just wish I didn’t have to break the law to get the only relief that I’ve ever found. Believe me, if the psych drugs had worked, I’d have kept taking them.

Anyway, I’ve been called Debbie Downer twice this week. I don’t like being Debbie Downer, and above all else, I wish I could change that about myself. I would love to be consistently happy, I’d love to get along just dandy having to be around people all day every day, I’d love for my emotions to maintain balance the majority of the time. I’d love to feel like I’m a sane human being.

AND I keep searching for answers to that puzzle. Every day of my life. As I’ve said before, I’ve found some of the pieces- it’s not nearly as bad as it has been in the past- but I still have a LONG way to go!

I keep chugging.

This heat wave isn’t helping. We’ve been 100+ degrees several days this week. The mobile home doesn’t have air-conditioning right now. And being that I haven’t made it to renovating the outside, it’s still pretty much a tin can. Do you have any idea how hot a tin-can-mobile-home gets when the outside temp is 104? I’ll tell you- it makes you wish that you were either dead or in Antarctica. Then to top it off, the battery and fuse died on my scooter, and the air-conditioning went out on our van. I have no way to cool off other than going to work or friends houses. People are gonna get sick of me, especially if I can’t keep my emotional shit together.

But, that’s life- keep chugging. Keep doing the best you can.

Eventually you’ll either figure out how to make things manageable, downright enjoyable, or die trying. I’m hoping for the former, but have resigned that the latter is entirely possible and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that, except keep praying to the God that doesn’t seem to have the time to answer my millions of prayers. Maybe, one day, he will, and it’ll knock my socks off. Maybe.

Keep chugging.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.