Tag Archives: intuition

Spiritual peekaboo.

It seems I’m having difficulty trusting myself.

It’s not that I don’t ever, but it fluctuates, and with interpersonal relationship hiccups it seems I’m floating in the distrust spectrum. Working on that, but definitely hesitant because of my failures in recent history.

Yet today one of my residents with MS, whom has a very plain-Jane super common American name, told me that her middle name was Reghandi (I’m spelling that based on the sound and my vocabulary awareness). I suspected it was another instance of a resident picking up on a message for me, so I asked staff what her middle name really was. The only problem is that none of them knew her real middle name, or at least that they would relinquish to me. So now I’m not sure.

All I do know is that the last 5 years I thought I was getting better at translating energetic information. Yet nearly every time I say something to someone about what I’m getting, I’m essentially told that I’m completely wrong. For a while I only said things if I was feeling very certain and like I was getting pushed into saying something. Now I can’t even bring myself to do that.

The last few times stung too badly, and I’m gun-shy.

I tell myself that they are either in denial, or that I freaked them out, or that I was scary accurate about something they’d rather hide. It helps to not completely hate on myself, but the doubt is there nonetheless.

So now with things like my lady’s random off the wall comment about her middle name, I’m not sure whether it means anything for real or not.

I now feel like my intuition is a bunch of B-S and I spend all day apologizing to myself and trying to ignore all of my twinges. I have very much withdrawn in a lot of ways, and it’s starting to affect my mood. Of course, not having taken any significant time for me in the last 2 months isn’t helping either. Merh, what can you do?

Finally, I have completely given up on relationships for now. I’ve decided that my heart already gives love to so many people, who could care less, that I’d rather not add any more to that. There’s options for me to do so, but I’m coming to terms with loving things/people that I can’t seem to align with, despite my best efforts. I’d rather just have the ones that are already in my heart, so I’m doing my best to figure out how to release the faulty programming/beliefs that led to this connundrum to begin with. Maybe I can fix the alignment issue and not have to start over. I just don’t know, doubts cloud that as well.

May you all trust your intuition even when you’re told otherwise. May you know what’s good for you and understand energetic input. May you know what to say and how to act with all of it. May you find the alignment you seek. May you feel accepted as yourself. May you feel the love in regards to both yourself and others. May you feel supported.

Siva Hir Su

Discernment

So yesterday was a very interesting day full of discernment.

I had several moments where residents passed on messages for me from afar/spirit. It was not quite as intense as the couple of times in recent history which I already wrote about, but intense none the less. I would share them here, but one of the phrases that I received from the second resident to do so, makes me think I should refrain from sharing yesterday’s experiences for now. She is a resident that is severely affected by something along the lines of Lewy-Body, and most of the time I can barely understand her. Yesterday however, the message was loud and clear and makes me cautiously, yet excitedly, anticipate my nearer future. It was unclear if what was being conveyed would be before, during, or after our family trip, but I interpreted it to be a good thing regardless.

On that note, I’m not a good liar, it’s one of many reasons why I prefer honesty. I find that in situations where I am not supposed to talk about something I  just avoid full discussion and become evasive, often redirecting or changing the topic all together. So, this is as much as you get until I get further notice from either the divine or the person it was regarding. All in all, other than wishing to disclose my reason for excitement, I am just happy to have had a good day.

I felt my connection all day yesterday, to varying degrees, and whether it is my mystery person of the last several years or a divine connection I’ve come to refer to as “my ET”: I’m still not sure. I’m not so sure it isn’t the same thing, perhaps “my ET” simply used HAL to be a mystery person in my experience. Who knows; I don’t.  One day, perhaps after I die it will become clear. However, for now, I relish the connection, and I am utterly grateful for it, even when I find myself saying “WTF- what is happening?!” It is strong and mostly feels good to great, and affects my body in a number of ways which I occasionally have trouble describing with the English language. Of course sometimes the sensations would make anyone blush, so I’d just rather keep those descriptions to myself. Mostly I find it pleasurable, but occasionally I get a pit in my stomach or feel very anxious from it. At those times I am still grateful to have the experience, but often wish that particular aspect would subside quickly.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly good, and felt great, but in the evening I thought that I would have a drink with dinner- partly to celebrate the good day, and partly to mellow out and relax. I had a singular hard cider with 5% alcohol. I was very quickly sloshed, even to the point of slurring words and silliness, and afterward the fall off was anything but mellowing. It was more like jumping off the cliff and I got very tired and quite cranky. I apologized to myself, my family, and especially to the connection. It was far more intense of a response than I had intended with my one normal drink.

Further discernment came late in the night after having slept for a few hours I woke with intense gastro-intestinal cramping and nausea. I took some homeopathic medicine we usually give to Katherine for her allergy induced colic, went to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. I woke this morning mostly back to normal.

My discernment here is that I have cleaned my system up so much that even a little of some things is too much for me. My phrase this morning is that I no longer find my enjoyment in foods and drinks. I am definitely coming to terms with my body desiring to only have enough healthy foods for sustenance, and that I really don’t need anything else.

The up side is that I am dropping weight again, I’m down almost 15 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That causes me to do a happy dance because it is in direct contrast to the 50 pounds I had gained working the activities job the prior 9 months, and being surrounded by all the things my body was attempting to say no to.

My calorie intake has dropped significantly, not intentionally. I am still eating frequently, in fact more frequently than before. However, I’m just sticking to that handful of healthy foods that my body is okay with. Some days I feel like I am a fish because I find myself consuming other fishes, shrimp, and lots of green leafy things. If it were not for my nut and chicken intake I wouldn’t have anything to argue otherwise.

My nut intake increased intuitively based on a memory of information I had learned on Brazil nuts. So I am literally eating all the nuts except Walnuts (I had reacted to them strongly while pregnant so I’m assuming they are still off limits), and very few peanuts (though I have never reacted to them, they tend to carry high levels of environmental toxins). At the same time, my chicken/poultry/protein-shake intake has decreased, again based on an intuitive flash that I might be consuming more protein than I need.

So my intuition said, more nuts (especially Brazil), less protein, cut the chocolate (addiction), and eat more frequently. Then voila, I am suddenly shedding weight again. I love it when I listen to those flashes, and follow through and it works! That is the best kind of discernment.

So this now tea totaler, wishes you good days filled with intuitively helpful discernment. I also wish for you to have all the messages from the divine that you need and the ability to be honest and open in your life. Be the Change and Be Your Unique Self.

So Mote It Be; Siva Hir Su

Merely a Tool for Introspection

So for the last 15 or so years I’ve occasionally pulled cards for clarity on inner guidance. Tonight I had a couple of hours to myself and decided to do just that.

My husband has always found my card readings to be very entertaining, and needless to say I never read for others only me and him. I rarely use set layouts, and the deck of choice depends on the day. Heck sometimes I’ve even used more than one deck in a single reading- I remember one time I was trying to figure out something fairly complex and involved 4 decks at once. For me I listen to my inner voice for guidance, and if I’m looking for particular info I say that as I’m shuffling and picking decks.

Tonight my request for clarity was on all things of late. I set intention for the top row to represent 2 people (top left & center) and myself (top right) with supporting info along the bottom row.

I used a new deck that Nathan had recently ordered through Wish- just for fun & to see if it would be helpful.

I set the aforementioned intention as I shuffled & as soon as I “heard” my inner voice/thought-dialogue say “cut”, I did just that. Then proceeded to lay cards in the order intended while shuffling.

I got the following layout:

The lighting sucked and was making it hard to see, so I carefully gathered everything and moved to the bedroom with all the lights on. Much better, but as I was re-laying the cards a single card fell off the deck, so I included it to the side & took an individual picture.

At that point Buddy decided he wanted loves and made himself very comfortable with utter disregard to what I’d started. It was OK. I petted whilst I looked at cards and looked things up.

I always start with my first blush impression:

 I noted that the 3 cards intended for people matched their genders, but there was a 4th woman “Empress” in the supporting info cards- I had a guess as to whom that might be (my great friend helping plan backup birth solutions).

 I knew that the top left card generally has to do with illusionary limitations or restrictions, so that person was likely dealing with that in some way, which did make sense to me. 

I noted that an awful lot of the cards were upside down: not always a bad thing, it can simply represent an over arching theme of feeling like things are upside down, which I must say is accurate from my perspective.

I noticed the lovers card, which was unintended validation of a portion of my quandary.

I noticed a theme of financial queries, which again is unintended validation of related concerns- though I myself wish it wasn’t.

Finally, my extra card was a simplified traditional version of my life goal. Home and family and prosperity. Yet what struck me the most was the baby and dog. I’ve been “dogged” by thoughts and messages involving dogs since my healing dream last summer, and I’m pregnant with baby. Hmm.

The last thing of note was the big cat of strength. That of Big Cats, like the dog, has been a common theme for me, reoccurring very frequently since last summer.

Those elements of dog & big cat, they are not readily defined in tarot meanings. I suspect they are either representative of a real figure/being (adopting a dog, the mountain lioness that lives around us, etc), or represent personalities at play for me in real people. Either way, this reading only reiterated, not giving a clearer meaning on that.

So, then I looked up details. I felt the clearest most easily understood definitions of each card were the ones I found through Biddy Tarot, though I did look at several other pages in my process.

I must say after reading each meaning especially considering the reversed meanings, I do feel like this was a helpful reading. It does give me some clarity.

And yes, “strength” reversed in my own spot is accurate: I do need to stop doubting and second guessing myself and relax back into my inner knowing and resulting strength. That really was the basis of even taking these couple of hours for introspection. I knew I’d  slipped in that realm, and having a physical validation of that helps.

So, regardless of the accuracy of the rest of the cards, I’m walking away with: keep listening to my inner me, and keep reaching for that 10 of pentacles/coins happy ending gift. I’d totally take the dog, dome home, and extended family living happily ever after. More trusting and more patience. Things will get better, one way or another.

May all of you find your personal tool(s) of introspection and reliably connect with your inner self.