Tag Archives: journey

2 Things:

No Love at the King

In the house buying process, there are moments where you set appointments and everyone has to show up to accommodate.

One such moment, we ran very early. Unusual for us, being we’re usually a few minutes late, but it necessitated finding someplace to burn 30 minuets. Burger King was our only available answer.

I haven’t had fast food at all in over 2 years, and it’s been probably 3 years since I’ve set foot in a Burger King.

We ordered fountain drinks and a small bite to eat. I got as close to my needs as BK had available. Our “meal” cost all of $6.00.

As I went to get my drink of choice: tea; I discovered that there was no unsweetened tea available. I went with raspberry tea, because though it’s been a while, I thought I knew what to expect.

We sat down and proceeded to consume our time and our food.

I took one sip of the tea and nearly gagged from it’s overly sweet consistency. It was far sweeter than I remembered raspberry tea being. Then I took a bite of my food and I could taste the extreme amount of sodium in it. It also tasted just horrible to me.

I should have immediately spit it out and thrown the rest away.

Did I?

No

Two reasons:

First, I suspect that the short span of time the food was in my system was just enough to trigger the old patterns of addiction. My brain launched the familiar chemical storm response to an old, well ingrained trigger. As I’ve said before, there’s a reason they’re called addictions.

Secondly, I was trained very well from an early age not to be wasteful because there are people in this world starving. I had the luxury of buying such a meal, I should not waste it.

So yes, between the two I consumed most of what was in front of me, only dumping half the drink down the drain.

Feeling dirty, I then looked around and realized that the whole environment was like my meal. I saw all the dirt, the uncleaned surfaces, the dingy decor, the burnt out lightbulbs. The visually unappealing environment was nearly depressing.

I realized there was no love at Burger King.

No one had put any love into any aspect of this experience.

No one had made the food with loving care. No one had cooked the food with loving care. No one had served the food with loving care. No one had cleaned with loving care. And evidence of litter on the floor and on tables indicated that patrons had shown no loving care either.

I felt that was the reason that fast food was so hard on as person’s physiology. I also felt sad that this moment was evidence of millions of people’s daily existence. I wished for better for everyone.

I sent a prayer as we left to head to our nearby appointment.

My prayer started with a request for the food to impact my system in the gentlest way possible. Then I prayed that those millions of consumers find the love for themselves and God. That our society finds a way to show the love more and respect each other in every way, even down to cleaning adequately.

Show the love, even or especially when you work somewhere that you could just get by with a minimum of effort.

Western Medicine- Please Acknowledge:

Just because studies document averages, doesn’t mean we are all average.

I’m one such person, breaking pretty much every widely accepted norm. I am not average.

My thyroid personal-normal skirts the high side of the acceptable range of function.

My body wants an hour or more of exercise nearly every day. One day off is okay, but 2 or more and my body starts down a slippery slope that becomes difficult to stop.

My body does not tolerate many foods that are considered normal healthy foods for average people. Nightshades are a perfect example, but also chicken, turkey, beef, pork, walnuts, and nearly every grain. For any average individual, any one of those foods may be okay, but my body no longer tolerates them.

My body needs more fluids than the average acceptable intake. I drink a minimum of a gallon a day, usually quite a bit more.

My health puzzle has found many solutions that are not pills, but work quite well if I am able to maintain them.

My blood sugars are indicators of my puzzle pieces falling out of place, not true disease. When I keep my puzzle completely together my glucose numbers are perfect all the time, without medical intervention.

My body is ultra sensitive to changes that are not for my highest benefit. Simple as that.

Please, please acknowledge that some of us are unique, different, and the average solution is unnecessary and perhaps hazardous. That’s all.

This ultra sensitive unique person will continue to work on myself and my puzzle, which often includes blogging while on a treadmill, just like right now!

May you feel the love in every way, especially your food experiences and health journey. May you find everything you need and desire and have an easy path. May information always come when you need it. May your health providers work with you as an individual. May we all find our puzzle and the love and fortitude to keep it together.

Blessings

Siva Hir Su

Still working on patience.

Seems I still have a long ways to go on that one.

We’re 3 days into our journey.

I’m tired, my kids are tired, my mom is tired, we’re all ready to be done driving, but there’s a long ways to go yet.

Our stop to see my husband’s parents in Cleveland was not nearly long enough as a reprieve from the drive, nor long enough to feel like we really had a good visit. I know Nathan wanted to stay longer- I saw the tears in his eyes as we departed. I promised him and his parents I would do my best to get us back for a real substantial visit as soon as possible.

I wish I could afford plane travel for 6.

Food is kicking my butt. I’m doing the best I can but I’m still getting small amounts of my allgens. My tummy is so bloated it hurts. I’ve been taking Benadryl as often as possible and doubled up on my supplements this morning. I have had headaches off and on, more than the last month all together.

I’m sticking to nuts and fruits in the driving, but when we stop at restaurants I do the best available. I’ve stuck to salads and “grilled” chicken, but the dressings have not been ideal. Plus the hotel breakfast each morning was the cheapest manufactured eggs and sausage possible, and my coffee had regular creamer, when I’ve not even been drinking coffee for months prior. It’s all been just a bit too much for my overly sensitive system.

It all leaves me doing everything I can mentally to stay bouyant, and failing occasionally. I’m finding I have to keep reminding myself I’m doing the best I possibly can, that there aren’t better choices to be had than what I’m doing. It’s the nature of traveling and being at the mercy of what’s available at chosen stopping points.

We’re headed through New York with a brief pit-stop in Lily Dale. My mom and I have known about it for years and so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to check it out. Then the goal is to make it to Connecticut by bedtime. My brother reserved a room for us there near his home. Tomorrow will be the last leg to Maine including a detour to America’s Stonehenge.

I’m looking forward to my time in Maine and our detours. I hold those moments every time my tummy wants to cramp up. In between I’m saying mantras and giving thanks to allow as much Divine energy to help with getting through.

My lack of patience is my downfall though, it has caused more than a few snaps of which I’ve had to apologize for. My Mom gave me a taking to, to remind me to not be like my dad. I explained I’m literally doing my best to try to avoid that and change it in myself.

Easing into the journey and forgiving myself for lapses, doing my level best to be good, kind, and have more patience.

May you all have safe journeys, full of happiness, feeling good, and having patience for lapses, and knowing that you’re doing your best.

Siva Hir Su

Weird, just plain weird.

So I know that God is working on helping me. How I know is things just keep getting stranger by the day. I keep repeating “I see that things are changing, I’m doing my best to trust, and I’ll do whatever you want me to and do my best to see the positive in everything.”

I just wrote last night, but it seems today has brought more twists and turns and I need to process. I have the time because I’m house sitting for a good friend who also happens to be a fellow massage therapist, which means we trade quite frequently. It’s great, her style is very similar to mine, and we mesh well on many levels. Her pooches even love me, so she asked me to sit her dogs knowing it would give me another opportunity to skip some driving. I’m much appreciative. I feel much more rested when my day doesn’t involve 3 hours or more of driving. So that is how I’ve managed to fit in not one, but two blogs this week.

So, that’s not really weird, just amazingly helpful. Where is the weird then?

I got to work with 15 minutes to spare this morning, and knew I needed to punch in about 10 late for having gone over the previous day. I proceeded to leisurely prep for my day knowing I was essentially working off the clock, but knowing full well it was my choice. I was essentially going through the craft room seeing what was available for the crafting activity later in the day. I became so engrossed in my explorations finding cool things to work with that I ended up clocking in nearly 30 min late, not just the 10 initially planned. Not a big deal, and I figured my day would provide the opportunity to correct that, which sure enough it did.

That was just a taste of weird. In the crafting activity I set out to provide options, ones that I had seen done at other buildings where I do my massage work. I thought surely that one of them would be welcomed. After laying out all of the supplies and describing the choices, I looked around to a silent room of blank stares. NOTHING! Really!  So, I proceeded with plan B and began walking through how to make a wreath using a simple wire frame. If no one wants to participate, then live action crafting show it is.

About 3/4 of the way through making the wreath a person to my right is grumbling about how she doesn’t think it is going to work or look nice. Then the woman directly across from her starts complaining about why are we just sitting here and not doing anything. I replied directly to her that it was because I brought out materials to do a myriad of crafts and gave 5 specific examples and a room full of adults couldn’t tell me anything they wanted to do. I then explained that they were all adults with opinions and desires, and that I was doing my level best to provide them with enjoyable activities, and that they could provide constructive input and offer suggestions instead of just complaining or sitting like bumps on logs. I then revisited the initial offer choices and asked her directly if she wanted to do any of them, at which point she said no. I said fine then, does anyone want to do any of them. I got 2 responses out of a group of 10 people. SO I proceeded to help the 2 people complete their choice and then moved on to finishing my wreath.

Employees thought it was hilarious because the one that complained the loudest apparently does that to everyone, I then ended up having a discussion with my co-worker about how instead of having comedy hour at my expense they could offer up suggestions or help. She said it really wasn’t like that and they meant no foul- really just finding amusement that I was essentially one of them, being treated the same way by the resident. I said well, I can understand where the humor comes in, but that they could have filled me in on the potentiality of that, and ways that they as staff have learned to diffuse the situation. Reiterating that I am the newbie still and I simply don’t know these things because the faces are still relatively new to me, I simply don’t have a full understanding of their backgrounds yet. She conceded that I had a point, and we came to an understanding of some possibilities of how to catch me up to speed. Also, she did let me know that if Aids are not busy I can ask them to help (something I was unsure of and explained to her that some of my buildings that is off limits and not even possible).

In the end I think that even though I got frustrated it was ultimately a good outcome and the discussion with my co-worker was definitely fruitful.

Later, I ran into the lady that recommended me for the position (now my boss’ boss) and I told her all about it. She said that there will always be those days, and did reiterate that some of those things will die down once I do get a better grasp of the people I am working with. We had a good discussion about many of the factors that contribute to moments like that. She then let me know that the person that switched from my position, to take a position with the other side of the building, didn’t come in for work and that they were again down a person. She confessed that the other employee had gotten overwhelmed with the position she was in, and they didn’t know if she would be back. I gave an apology and said let me know if you need anything. At the end of the day I went back to ask her about my time off request for the December Choir/Orchestra performance, and upon leaving I got a nudge to be more specific about my earlier comment. I told her that I realized it was between them and the employee, but that if the other person wanted their job back I was willing to switch or do whatever was needed by the company to help with that. She asked me if that was affected if it meant working 5 days a week, and my reply was simply I’d make it work. I said that “I just really wanted you (boss/friend) to know that I would be willing to do whatever is needed of me” (echoing my internal dialogue with God). All of this was in knowing that I took the position because of divine influence and I am really doing my best to follow the rabbit trail. As soon as, the words left my mouth I felt the classic tinglies down my spine that have always acknowledged that I did/said the right thing. She then confessed that her and the building director had actually had a conversation about that possibility the previous week, before the employee failed to show for work.

I finished my day out showing the residents, at least that were interested, my favorite show. “Kindness Diaries” on Netflix.  I had talked about it earlier in the day and they were interested. As I showed the first 2 episodes, they were hooked, they actually stayed awake (all but 1) and they would comment on things that were going on in the show. It may have helped I served cake and tea while watching the 2nd one. Surprisingly, my complainer from earlier became quite chipper and content. It also helped my mood at lot to have a touch of “Kindness Diaries” in my day. Ultimately they were so interested that we ended up watching 5 episodes back to back and having a volley of discussion occasionally.

So, essentially my day had some odd time glitches, an uncomfortable exchange with my charges, and ended with the possibility of getting a sideways promotion and some feel good TV.

I have no idea if I would get a raise, but I do know I would get more hours. It would make for stable adequate income and once we were moved and had finances straightened out (budget), I could begin to slowly eliminate some of my massage work. I’m not sure the extra day a week would be enough income to completely drop all of my massage work, so I probably wouldn’t. Also, there are 3 buildings that I am getting along great in anyway. So those 3 contracts I would probably keep alive and going as long as I could manage. Though it has occurred to me that I need to renew my liability insurance and re-up my CPR certification to keep doing my massage work. So many things, so little time!

I have no idea where this ride is headed, but it seems I keep holding on and finding faith that it is headed toward the great things I’ve asked for, for so many long years. I simply can’t explain the odd synchronicity any other way. I’m just constantly looking for the path of least resistance anymore, and it seems at every turn something strange launches me toward the next interesting step. If nothing else life has definitely gotten more interesting!

Journeys make the dream.

Recently I just finished watching “The Kindness Diaries” on Netflix (I believe that it is a NetFlix original). It was the most amazing story of a spiritual journey that I have seen yet. I am utterly grateful for Leon’s journey for it brought hope back to my heart and provided a great expansion in my being. Essentially, he travels the world solely by the kindness of others, which leaves him in some very interesting situations. In the end not only was the kindness that he was shown amazing, but the kindness he returned was amazing too.

It has made me think yet again about ways that I might do more for others. My heart so yearns for a large scale helping of others. I have acknowledged lately that I am not here to make money; I am here to help make the world a better place for as many people as I can. It’s why I became a massage therapist a decade ago when my art degree failed so miserably. I thought that if I couldn’t make the world beautiful, perhaps I could help people instead. They are really elements of the same aspect of my being that is my soul manifest. Beautiful sound, beautiful images/objects, and treating others beautifully- they all contribute to a beautiful world.

I have been very verbal about that, even responding to queries from my residents regarding things that Trump is doing, that I am a humanitarian at heart- I want to help people and I wish there were more humanitarians in the world. I explained to one resident (when he was asking about military budget), that the biggest problem that I had with spending more on the military is that it wouldn’t go to the soldiers it would go to the military machine- that our country has a long history of sending people off to war, getting maimed and traumatized, often killed. The ones that do return home are “released” and left to their own devices; often having to fight for medical care through our pitiful VA system. I pointed out to him, that even he chose to use up all of his retirement savings on a private facility rather than go to the VA home. It really is sad how our veterans are treated after having fought for our freedoms. Yet the system continues to function the same way, because there are too few humanitarians willing to put their foot down and refuse to perpetuate that very system.

Regardless, I am essentially aware that I myself have not been able to produce monetary gains of any sort. I’m not here to make money. However, I’ve been having long conversations with the divine of late that it’s much easier to help others if the monetary flow is great. The greater the flow in fact: the more people that I could help. The better effect I could have on the world. The more beauty I could bring.

I have acknowledged that the archetype of Lord Shiva (aka Zeus, Jupiter, Thor, Cernunos, you even could compare to the burning bush God of The Bible) is speaking to me of late. That archetype:  Father God with strong firey powers that can be both destructive and life giving; is speaking to me on a level that I am still having trouble wrapping my brain around. It feels so amazing, yet very surreal. The messages are flowing strongly, the mental images are intense yet very comforting. I am literally feeling the divine love lately. I am feeling the love in me and my life much better than the broken depression wrought brain I had a few months ago.

[Because believe me when I say that: not only does depression eliminate the ability to feel love, it also makes me a very angry aggressive monster, and I end up even despising myself and the things I have done.]

Yet, I have conversations with this power about how I could be doing so much more for others, especially if I wasn’t worried about my own self and family so much. I say “if only you could drop a ‘whole lotta money’ in my lap, I could build Atira” and create that beautiful perpetual giving machine to help thousands, perhaps even millions of people. I emphasize that I would do it all in the name of the Divine, that I know I personally am not here to make money for myself. I have proven time and time again that I can exist on little to no money. I can and would contribute all of it to building the giving machine. As long as I had a peaceful retreat (room of my own) and enough food (which really isn’t much these days)- I would give everything else to create Atira and help everyone I could.

And then the surreal gets blissfully even more surreal.

I realize that without the hard journey Nathan and I have experienced, we would not have gotten to where we are. We would not have been so concerned for the safety and security of others. We would not want to help others out of situations that we narrowly missed. We would not have wanted to fix things that other people are blind to. We would not have the desire to be such intense humanitarians.

So then I ask: can we cut to the chase now? Have we experienced enough journey to be like Leon Logothetis and give back in a big way? Can I start having the OPRAH experience now? Take that twisty-windy-curvy, long, painful road, and make it short, straight, sweet, and to-the-point? PLEASE?!?!

As if trying to yell a response, my days get even more surreal.

Messages are everywhere. I realize that a residents’ wall I’ve been staring at for 2 years has objects on it that validate my current experience. I begin to wonder what the remaining objects mean.

I also get messages in text speak- lots and lots of them!

For instance, in one spot I see: L247282… 8 has always been a reference for infinite for me. L or LU  has always been Love or Love You for me. So then I translate the text speak into “Love 24/7 to the infinite too”, essentially telling me show some love back please.  My response- OK, done!

How does one show love to the divine?

For me it’s always been through mantras, art, nature, dancing, and music. They all help me feel connected, help me feel that love much more. So I’ll step up my work some more. Mantras have already been stepped up, and I’ve already been listening to a lot of music that makes me want to dance. I don’t feel like a great dancer, but I do love to dance around a fire on a cool summer night. I can’t wait for the weather to get a little better so that I can do more of that. That leaves art, being in nature, and playing music. All of which I could do lots more of. DONE! Making room in the schedule.

Yet, what about that 24/7 part?

I need to bring the feeling I get when I’m doing those things into all of my waking activities… and sleep too! For sleep, just set the tone before drifting off… it always works for me. Waking hours might be a bit more challenging, but challenge accepted. If that’s the missing link, then I’m going to do my best to show the love 24/7. I’ll bring more love to my residents, more love to my work environment, more love to the road, and For Pete’s Sake more love to my ever-frustrating super-smart yet very beautiful children. If love’s what’s missing, I’ll do my humanly best to bring more love to the table.

 

So, today I brought the love through stopping to smell and take pictures of flowering trees. I flirted with the lifeguard at the Y, I said hi to complete strangers. I gave what little pocket change I had to a man on the street (I’ve been sorely short cash moneys lately), and I drove oblivious to the traffic conditions that would normally frustrate the living daylights out of me.

It was and still is a beautiful day, rain, clouds and all. Things feel good again. I look forward to the future manifestations of that.

Next installment of Atira I’ll talk about the different business things I want to do… I’ve been working on fine tuning mentally the order of things before I sit to write it.

Allergies, not just sneezing.

After having spoken with many people about my allergy journey, I’ve decided that it is important for me to share the stories in a more tangible way to help others that may be struggling to figure their symptoms out. My story is one of listening to signs and ques and decoding the information to find relief. Simple as that, but in that simplicity is a huge array of complex and time consuming actions. So in my story you will see the information I gleaned, and how I went about testing theories, and ultimately the discoveries about my myriad of symptoms based upon the allergen. I hope it helps you.

My journey started very young. By the age of 3 I had received allergy shots to help with symptoms such as congestion, red watery eyes, and sneezing. By kindergarten I was being given Benadryl regularly for the same symptoms. By 2nd grade I’d seen an allergist who did the very expensive skin prick testing. His results were mold spores, certain tree pollens, and certain grass pollens and even dandelion and ragweed pollen. I was told stay indoors when pollen counts were high and that I would probably have to take allergy medicine my whole life unless I was lucky enough to outgrow some of my allergies.

By the time I was 11, I was no better. I was given my vaccine boosters a little late, but the doctors assured my mom I’d be fine because I had had all of my vaccines on time prior to that booster. That year my allergies swelled. I could not go outside if ours or any of our neighbors’ yards had been mowed. Otherwise I would end up in a congested, red-eyed wheezing fit. That year I got a horrible case of pneumonia, which the doctor noted as being unseasonably early, and had to do regular breathing treatments and large doses of antibiotics to get over the pneumonia. The following summer my allergies were just as bad and my mom took me back to the doctor. He diagnosed me as having asthma and medicated accordingly. That year was the same year that I gained massive amounts of weight, almost 80 pounds, and began my battle with Depression.

I have now seen the documentary Vaxxed, and even though they only discussed one particular complication of the vaccine, I am now certain that all of my health problems could be plausibly linked to that vaccine booster or a particular set of circumstances of which the vaccine was merely the tipping point. And for all I know, with the lack of reliable truthfully studied and relinquished/disclosed information,  it is plausible that my entire allergy journey is intrinsically linked to my full exposure to the myriad of childhood vaccines I received. See my previous post- especially the part about 3 things I know.

Regardless, that year included a vaccine and the beginning of major lifelong health problems including significant health altering allergies and severe depression.

I continued on following Wetern Medicine’s half-assed fix. Take allergy medicine, if you have trouble breathing- use your inhaler, if the breathing trouble persists use a breathing machine, if that fails to control the breathing come back in and get a script for antibiotics.They didn’t deal with the depression chalking it up to being a pre-teen in middle school. They didn’t deal with the weight gain because my thyroid “was low side of normal”.

By the time I graduated high school I was using my inhaler regularly because one of my class-mates died from an asthma attack and I was petrified that it could have been me. I was probably over medicating at the slightest wheeze out of fear.

I graduated and went to college. As part of my research for a science class I came across a website discussing allergies. That website went over different types of allergies, covered lists of allergens and even discussed the intrinsic link between food allergies and environmental allergies. I’m sorry I don’t have the link anymore- it was over a decade ago I read it. Anyway, the site explained that if food allergies are present, environmental allergies will manifest more severely because your immune system is already on overload and hyper-reactive. I took that information and marinated on it because I didn’t know how to proceed. How did you figure out if you had food allergies? I just couldn’t conceptualize the process of eliminating foods to try and figure that out.

Within about 2 or 3 months of that, I met someone that had a Red40 allergy and she told me about her reactions. She explained that she was also allergic to other things and blue food-coloring. I was amazed at her story and how she figured it all out. Again I marinated on that information. I’m providing these anecdotes because I have noticed that along my journey the information always presented itself through outside sources first, and followed in first hand experience later.

So my first hand experience was during my 2nd year of college. I had a small apartment and was trying to make a go of it on my own. Like any poor college student I cut corners on food to allow for spending money for weekend fun. One meal led to my first allergen discovery. I ate a king sized package of twizzelers and a can of green beans. Up to that point I’d only ever had a few twizzelers at a time, and I’d had green beans from a can thousands of times in my life. As I sat in my tiny living room wheezing and puffing on my inhaler every 15 min, I recalled the conversation with the friend that had all the allergies. By the end of 4 hours I could finally breathe mostly normally, but my heart was racing from the excessive inhaler use. I was petrified, but knew I had to test my Red40 theory.

Over the next couple of  weeks I had green beans several times and twizzelers several times (in smaller quantities). Sure enough the green beans were harmless, but the twizzelers left me wheezing every time. Ok, so now I know I do have a food allergy. I thought just one.

Fast forward several years. Anya was about 3 and her biological mom was harping on us to keep her on a gluten free diet. I was doing my best to make gluten free bread and failing. I read an article about Rye being similar to wheat, but that the glutinous protein was slightly different and thus some Gluten Intolerant people could eat rye. I was excited because I’d watched my mom make rye many times over and I knew I could duplicate the bread with a good recipe. I bought a bag of rye flower and the complimentary ingredients and proceeded to make 2 loaves. They turned out perfectly and as soon as the first was cool enough to eat, I sliced away and Nathan and I enjoyed almost a whole loaf that day. By dinner time (roughly 2 hours later) I was so bloated I was in pain and didn’t want to move. I had the most horrible gas, and felt like puking. I curled up in a ball on the sofa and sipped on hot  tea hoping it would calm my stomach. My stomach stayed tied up in knots for 2 days after that. Of course now I have another theory: was it the rye? Test, test again. I bought store loaves of rye from 3 or 4  different sources. trying one or 2 slices at a time.  Every time I ended up severely bloated and miserable for hours. So, ok, now I have 2 food allergies- right?!

Fast forward another couple of years and I was trading with a massage therapist that was having her knees replaced because her nightshade allergy had produced (Rheumatoid?) arthritis enough years that her knees were permanently damaged. Logged and noted.

Fast forward another couple of years. I got pregnant with Ian. I knew that gestational diabetes was a thing in my family. I also knew my mom’s version was atypical in some respects but couldn’t remember how. So I started logging everything. What I ate, how much of it, when, and what my glucose numbers were afterward. I noticed a pattern that took switching practitioners 3 times to acknowledge. I noticed that only certain foods were causing glucose spikes, and if I avoided those I was fine. The person that finally acknowledged the pattern explained that any stress on the body will raise glucose, and that an allergic response could definitely stress the body. It was suggested to eliminate the offending foods and see if I still have any glucose problems. I did so, and voila- the glucose issues disappeared. Anytime I misbehaved and ate a “bad” food my numbers would spike astronomically high. I would get 300’s off of 2 TBSP of mashed potatoes, but I could eat a full serving of wild rice and still be relatively normal. I got through the pregnancy just fine and had a beautiful healthy 7 pound baby boy with just diet control.

My theory is that in my body’s efforts to protect the baby, it flared my allergies to an extreme response so that I would notice more quickly and quit doing the offending behavior. Now, I know my list of foods that this process revealed, but since I’ve given birth the allergies have not backed off. I had sincerely hoped they would have, but it seems they are as bad as ever. I now take 2 different allergy medicines: Singulair and Zyrtec, and still have to do breathing treatments regularly or use my inhaler when I’m away from home. It’s so severe now that I am contemplating seeking a compounding pharmacist to eliminate the corn and potato products in my medicines.

I’ll go over my pregnancy defined list (in addition to the Red40 and Rye) and their symptoms now. It may be TOO MUCH INFORMATION for some, but if you are on a healing journey, you may find all the gross details helpful.

  1. Nightshade Family: Tomatoes, Peppers (any except peppercorns), Eggplant, Potatoes, and Gogi Berries.- This family skyrockets my blood sugars, causes my asthma to flare instantaneously, and at least tomatoes and potatoes leave me swollen and with joint pain. The inundation also causes my seasonal allergies to go off the charts so that I end up with runny nose, sneezing, and itchy watery red eyes. Symptoms will back off within hours, but if exposure was severe, remnants last for 2 weeks.
  2. Corn- loose stools, flatulence, bloating, my body refuses to fully digest food at the meal it was involved in, and thus I miss out on helpful nutrients, and the worst symptom by far is the severe joint pain. When I’ve consumed corn I end up with joint pain so severe I have trouble walking, even standing, and it has lasted 2 to 4 days each time. I now refuse to eat corn knowingly due to this. In the last 6 months I’ve had corn twice accidentally because of eating food made by friends, in which I didn’t ask the ingredients. Needless to say that doesn’t really happen too often, I can’t stand the consequences.
  3. Wheat- This is one of my lesser allergies, too bad even the lesser one is significant enough to want to avoid it. I get mild bloating, sometimes accompanied by stomach discomfort. Usually some constipation, and occasionally bloody stool.
  4. Soy- very similar reaction to wheat, but usually more severe bloating.
  5.  Lactose/dairy- bloating, massive flatulence, stomach cramps, intestinal cramps, hiccups, and IBS type stool responses.
    1. Lactose, Soy, and Wheat I’ve learned are still cause for great concern because of their relation to the thyroid. Being hypothyroid with allergies means that if I could afford the testing I’d probably be diagnosed with auto-immune hypothyroidism. Simply meaning my allergies cause the immune system to attack the thyroid. Essentially, there are molecules in those 3 foods that are very close in structure to molecules found naturally in your thyroid. If your body reacts to one, it attacks both. It is felt by having a thyroid dip even while taking thyroid medicine.
    2. Thyroid dips include: severe fatigue, depression, anger, mood swings, cold hands/feet, heart palpitations/chest pain, blood pressure swings, swelling in the extremities, and many more that I don’t always get- these are my common symptoms. For more info, please see StopTheThyroidMaddness and HypothyroidMom.

I’ve read recently the link between leaky gut, thyroid problems, and food allergies. On top of that the doctor in Vaxxed  was noting that a large number of the kids affected had been ill prior to vaccination and had taken antibiotics for the illness. His theory as I understand it, is that the killing of good gut bacteria made them more susceptible to things passing beyond the gut lining, and whatever passed through made it to the brain and did permanent irreparable damage, such as has been seen in people with advanced stage Whipple Disease. If this is the case then there is a very strong likelihood that the vaccinations not only triggered the allergies, but also may have caused brain damaged that led to my chronic battle with severe depression. The upside is that what I’ve been reading about leaky gut suggests that once the gut is healed the body can begin to heal and restore itself to pre-injury functioning. It’s a very very slow process, but one that is completely attainable through avoiding allergens and taking proactive steps such as bone broth and probiotics. I am hopeful. I’m working on getting myself back into avoiding the allergens like the plague, and from there I’ll add in the broth and probiotics.

And hell, I’ve come a long way already. I’ve figured all of this out: mostly on my own, and done all the hard work this far. I’ve lost 60 pounds and kept it off (had lost almost 100, but gained 40 back after birth), and I look damn good for someone that struggles through every day. I think I’m going to congratulate myself, so that I at least have myself on my side!

If you can’t figure out how to be wealthy, then figure out how to be poor well.

So my husband likes to tell me that I’m quotable.  The title  is one such instance.  It was an analogy to follow  up a statement regarding Anya’s hair.  She has battled  with her hair her whole life and doesn’t like it- being half like black hair, and half like Caucasian  hair; so I said you can’t really truly change your hair – as in going from curly to naturally straight.  So I said if you can’t change it,  then learn how to make it the way you want with the least amount of  trouble.

That’s what I’m  doing with my whole  life. I’ve tried and tried, and worked very hard at trying to unburry our little family. Every time,  I’ve gotten the proverbial smack down,  & ended up no better off.

Almost 11 years ago,  I willingly climbed into the hole with Nathan. I saw a good man that had been ruined in a nasty divorce, not of his making.  I’ve never heard another person say,  I just want to see my daughter and keep my house,  so many times.  My heart went out  to him & his daughter.  The hole was created when the divorce ordered him to pay post dated child support for Anya’s entire life to that point (about 14 months, & 6 grand), & ordered that regardless of his X’s portion of mortgage payments (less than 1/4 because of her not working  during college) he had to settle half of the equity of the home (almost 8 grand).  Because his X didn’t want to ever see him again, she fought everything, to the point her lawyer confessed  he was sick  of her. The divorce finally wrapped up after Anya turned 1, and cost 10 grand. So by the time he refinanced to accomplish the house requirement,  he started in the hole by $24,000, just because he refused to walk away from his daughter all together.  That was on top of his student debt.

I should have seen  that was a bad idea,  especially since I had my own college debt and a car to pay for.  But I was in love with a man AND his beautiful smart daughter. I couldn’t see them both ruined if I could do anything to prevent it.

I moved in and tried to help pay for EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, it was a losing battle. I had barely finished college and was still working my student jobs,  & Nathan hadn’t finished college much before me and was also still working in the same field that put him through college & enabled the house.  Neither paid well.

I did eventually find a job in my field of education,  but it was an entry level position with a small business,  and didn’t pay any better than my previous position. Shortly later Nathan was fired because he refused to give up visitation with Anya knowing his X never allowed him to adjust, & his work  essentially said work or be fired.  Long story short, he took his daughter over his job,  and I can’t fault him for that.

However,  the 2 put together meant the house went into foreclosure.  I had already entered back into school for massage hoping it would help,  and finished right as the foreclosure was finalized.  We had to stay with my parents for a while.  I found the first  massage job I could that would put us closer to Anya and we found a rental out in the country dirt cheap. I did my best,  but things never did turn to the better.  That year I lost my car- repossessed,  we went  some months without utilities.

Our most memorable moment was when we didn’t have gas  service,  so we were cooking on the grill at the park across the street.  I lit the fire,  dropped the corn cobs on,  realized I forgot tongs, & as soon as I came back out I realized the corn was engulfed in flames.  I sprinted back & pulled the cobs off  as the foil wrappers began to disintegrate.  We had the most delicious 4 minute corn ever!

Finally though, we had to admit that the move was a failure.  Try, try again!

We knew people in Kansas City, and discussed with them possibilities.  They offered to help us transition.  We used our tiny Toyota truck to move everything we owned down  into storage in 2 trips. It was comical how tall the tarp wrapped truck was.
The friends kicked us out by December.  That holiday season was hard for us.  We did find a rental quickly,  but had no money to spare, & the jobs we managed to get when we got to KC weren’t great.

Then Nathan got sick.  I became sole financier.  I almost failed.  We were days shy of being evicted when I finally started catching up.  Then my Gallbladder went bad,  & the whole mess fell apart.  We already had almost $100,000 from Nathan’s medical adventure,  so fortunately the hospital didn’t bat an eye on writing mine off. His  journey has been challenging,  & I’d rather have him alive  than dead, so I’ve accepted my role,  but damn.  When the best thing you can say about it is that his student loans quit chasing him due to permanent disability,  that’s not saying much.  The circumstances of his hospital stay & diagnosis meant that we could never get disability to go through,  so I’m it.

We tried  to save money by living with another family,  but dysfunction meant our cat almost got eaten by their dog.  I was done.  We moved again!

This time to a small apartment, utilities paid by the building,  but no laundry services.  Not a huge deal until we discovered the building was infested with bed bugs. Do you have any idea how much it costs to wash and dry everything you own  -including bedding and stuffed animals- at a laundromat every 2 to 3 months. And then we got full custody of Anya when her mom died of  cancer. Bedbugs & a grieving pre-teen do NOT go together.

I AM SO DONE!

So now,  I’ve relegated myself to making the best of being poor. I’m going to build our home: by hand, from scratch, as I can pay for supplies. Then I’ll save up some  money & move it,  put in a well, septic,  solar panels,  & small wind turbine, & build a greenhouse.  Then add on for the grandparents & aunt,  then  from there we’ll be set & I can work just enough to pay for taxes, non-grown food,  & vehicle related expenses.
I think I can realistically accomplish all of that in 10 years, maybe less.

I’ve decided the thing that bugs me most about all of the law of attraction hype is the lack of action & the loss of perspective. Yes, anything  is possible,  but it may not be probable at all, or at least in your lifetime. Beyond probability,  how can anything happen if you don’t DO anything tangible. If you aren’t attempting to do anything that will produce money,  then you’re not gong to see any. HELL, if I can spend a decade doing my level best to make money- including running my own business,  & none ever does manifest;  how the hell are you going to while sitting on your ass making vision boards.

If you want X but never do anything that could result in X, then you’ll never get X.
Y +Z does not = X
A+B+C+D+E+F+G+ .etc might eventually = X

So, I’ll take the latter,  & if the universe eventually decides to say “atta boy” and drop more money in my lap,  or suddenly allow my previous actions to be more lucrative,  then great.  I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH ANYMORE!  I’m going to just make the best I can of a crappy life of poverty with the understanding that I’ve done everything I know & can do to attempt to make things better, including going to school twice to try & change that. I’m willing to learn,  I’m willing to act,  I’m willing to do,  I’m willing to work hard, I’m willing to help others and support others,
& will continue to do all of those things regardless as to whether the universe/divine honors me or rewards me for all of my efforts.

C’est Tout!