Tag Archives: journey

Catching Up: 4

We’re In This Together.

We all need to know we’re not alone sometimes, and today was that for both me and one of my clients. The office staff was super helpful and kind today and I received some much needed relief. Then one of my clients came in seeking the same.

We talked and talked and talked. Due to HIPAA and my own personal ethics, what happens in that room stays in that room. So I will not be divulging any details of her experience, nor a name.

However, I can tell you that like many of us, she has experienced abuse, and also some of the same revelations I’ve been having of late. We compared notes on how memories safely locked away in our brains have surfaced to be dealt with. I shared my knowledge of EFT and other techniques that help to release all of it from our bodies. I also did a little extra energy work on top of the massage given. I spoke from my authentic, fully honest self, and over-shared knowing that it was safe with this person. Then apologized just in case it was a little too much.

It was a truly safe space for both of us. So much so that I could hear her voice crack when acknowledging that she can’t talk about some of those things with anyone else in her life.

We shared stories of places and things in our lives that have helped us find healing. It was quite amazing how much of our lives and beliefs and choices overlapped.

We both really needed that connection today. We both really needed to know that our efforts are part of a bigger picture leading us from #METOO, to a healed collective of openness and balanced masculine and feminine.

I congratulated and thanked her for her work helping women, men, and transgender people to heal. I expressed how much we all need that and how even though it can be uncomfortable at times we really need to keep doing what were doing. Eventually it really will heal our karma which will help bring healing for the collective as a whole.

May you understand your place in all of this. May you know with certainty that you are not alone and we are all on this journey together. May you see the kindness and healing you need. May you know you are accepted as your fully authentic and honest self. May you be kind to your self and give your body what it needs to heal. May you find your own truly safe space with more than enough acceptance. May you know that you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Weightloss Progress

Ok, so I’ve been wanting to share full body images of my progress for a while now. The perk of having a photographer for a husband is that not only has he taken pictures of me on many occasions, he was able to set-up a studio to shoot reproductions of existing images.

So, I can finally share the differences.

I had him reproduce family picture moments, as well as past photo shoots. For this post I am sticking to fully clothed images. He has done nudes of me many times in the past, and we did recreate some of them for this purpose, but I need to make them internet friendly by doing the black boxes across naughty bits. It’ll take time. For this post, using the fully clothed images, I just had to resize to match, and then label- a much quicker process (took me about an hour for all of the images you’ll see here).

I do wish I was further along, but that is probably me being hard on myself again. I do acknowledge that: I have managed this much progress during a time period where I gave birth to two children, and also fought tooth-and-nail against thyroid concerns that had been undiagnosed for 15+ years. I also acknowledge that all of my progress was me and Nathan; no one made me, no one encouraged me, and no one helped me figure out my own personal puzzle. No one else can take the credit, only me, with Nathan’s loving support. So in those regards, I’m a effing super hero. I’ll claim my She-Ra crown everyday that I keep trying.

I hope you find my progress as a helpful encouragement to anyone else attempting to do something similar.

May you have good moments of validation of your own personal progress. May you see your efforts are paying off. May you see things start to get easier. May you know that you are doing your best and that is really what matters. AND ABOVE ALL- may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti and Many Blessings

Abraham reminder.

Watch another Abraham video. It’s titled: “Abraham Hicks NO ADS – How to Auto motivate When You Feel Lazy”. I can’t guarantee it’ll stay up long, sometimes links I post disappear pretty quick.

Anyway, it was a reminder that I am efforting a little too much. I kind of knew that, and it was why I said I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions.

I’m having difficulty, and doing my best to pull up. I’m doing all the things, but it is slower going than I want. I’m also having a heck of a time keeping my focus on the things that are going right. When Abraham said to chill out, take a nap, or meditate, my knee jerk reaction was “I AM!!!”. At least as much as possible.

Those moments do help and do work, in the moment. I’m just having difficulty sustaining them in between. For instance, when I worked out today I totally zoned out to the music pumping in my earbuds- so much, that when I went to check a notification on my watch I almost lost my balance doing 4.4 mph at a 4 incline on the treadmill (and yes the numbers were a conscious choice). It was almost really bad, but I caught myself just in time.

Despite my faux pas, I refocused and zoned back into my treadmill workout.

I’m frustrated with myself, with my lack of results, with things not being very close to my desires in many ways. I do feel like I am reaching for impossibilities, and that’s without comparing myself to others. It’s bogging me down.

Here’s the deal. No one chooses to be crazy. And I’m not really crazy, but I do still feel like my brain is not fully functional, because I do frequently have extreme difficulty controlling it. 7 years of practice with many actions to help proper function and encourage healing, and I still have these bouts, periods where making my brain cooperate is like pulling teeth.

It is very frustrating. Especially considering that I was born into imbalance and it got much much worse, long before it started to get better. Born an orange baby from jaundice due to high blood sugars during my mom’s pregnancy, and then dysfunctional family life early on, some of which continued all the way into adulthood. I have literally fought my entire life to stay alive trying to find healthy, trying to find balance, trying to find proper brain function, and trying to convince myself that I even want to live- that life can be enjoyable.

I have gotten this far by my efforts, and after reaching adulthood- with some support from my husband Nathan. No one else got me here. My family sure as hell didn’t, out of all of them there is only two that I feel like even put effort into mental health like I did, and ones of those is my younger brother. Bonus half the time I feel like God even forgot I was trying.

Mental health problems are a modern problem. They were present before the industrial revolution (some very interesting history on that), but they have become much more plentiful since. There are many reasons and also many hypothesis for that, but the acknowledgement of this being a modern era concern is just the same. We diagnose them more frequently and more accurately than once upon a time, and generally people seek treatment more frequently than in history. However, the numbers are still in a generally climbing curve. That implies that what we are doing as a populus is encouraging mental disease and disorders, not actually solving anything.

This really could be said for all disease, we have more diseases to label and diagnose, more symptoms to treat, more avenues to seek symptom treatment, but disease from allopathic medicine is rarely solution/healing oriented.

So sometimes I do get angry at God. I am doing the work. I am reaching for better. I am practicing techniques to allow as much healing as possible. I put forth as much non-resistant effort as I can find time for- all to get my brain to cooperate. Yet, 7 years and it is still a challenge more frequently than I like, and often more difficult than I can handle alone.

Where is my miraculous healing that meditation is supposed to enable?

So I ranted at my divine masculine today. Ultimately, I feel like having been left hanging by the divine has caused all my concerns to be greater, harder, and longer, and I often wonder what the hell I did to deserve it.

Yet I still reach for better as much as possible.

So I told my divine masculine:

If there really is no spoon, then why can’t you just stand here? Why can’t you just give me a hug and tell me it’ll be okay? Why can’t you just acknowledge all the things I desire and remind me that they are worthy goals? Why can’t you honestly tell me how you feel? Why can’t you be lovingly supportive like my husband and help me figure out solutions to make things go more smoothly? Why can’t you just heal my brain so it stops doing this to me? Why can’t you remind me of the moments of feel good knowing which I have had? Why can’t you tell me do this and you’ll get that thing you want? Why can’t you be strong and capable and still caring, gentle, compassionate, and loving? Why can’t you love on me, heal me, and kick anyone’s ass that gets in the way of that? Why can’t you give me helpful advice and do things with me to help speed my progress? Why can you help support me so I can work less and have more time for me and my healing needs? That’s what I want and need from my divine masculine.

It’s been hard long enough, and I’ve done so many things to help, that I feel like I’ve earned that. But maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

I just want to be the healthy beautiful venus with my poly family and my Atira community and businesses. I want love and connections and prosperity and a lighter work load and support from my loving poly family. I was supposed to have more than one partner in love and business- combined! I was supposed to have more, and I’ve worked a long time, practicing at aiming at that goal. I know these things are already in my vortex and in full detail and complexities clearly defined. They’re there. I want to allow them here.

It feels like too much to ask and nearly impossible, but I do keep reaching for examples that prove otherwise.

I reach for the Will Smith’s (the actor) of polyamory. I reach for the businesses owned and operated by spouses or significant others. I reach for the clinics that are closer to what I envisioned. I reach for the intentional communities, especially the high dollar complexes like I desire (like when I learned of the Cerner complex being built in Arkansas that has literally everything I want, but in standard modern construction instead of my domes). I reach for the proof of things not being impossible and remind myself as frequently as possible that I am enough. I reach for the knowing that I am strong enough. I am intelligent enough. I am capable enough. I am patient enough. I am kind enough. I am loving enough. I am beautiful enough. I am working hard enough (hell probably too much). I’m giving enough. I’m helpful enough.

I am enough in all the ways.

I know I can do all the pieces of the dream, and what I don’t know how to do myself I know how to learn or find someone that can. I’m just having a hell of a time getting them all together at once, and finding the funding to make it happen and keep it going.

So I’ll focus some more and do my best to stay on the positives. I’ll do all the things over and over again. I’ll make my brain cooperate, and meditate, and do as much as I can to allow. And I’ll keep allowing as much as possible so that my divine masculine actually can start filling in the gaps and hopefully provide my much desired healing so it’s not so hard. I’ve asked enough for 3 lifetimes, now I really do just need to shut the eff up and let it in. Somehow.


May you have stable mental health and clarity. May you be able to maintain focus on the feel good knowing of your inner being. May you allow all of your asking to manifest. May you find your progress to be great wonderful strides towards better and better. May you never plateau on your improvement, but still enjoy your life and your journey. May you know your are enough and can do it. May you fully and deeply, understand and believe, that nothing is impossible. May you believe in your ability to beat the odds. May you know your divine connection(s) love and support you and are doing the best possible to guide you to your desires. May you allow fully for that divine force to accomplish great things for you.

Om Gum Ganpatiye, Om Namo Narayanaya, Om Shanti

For those unfamiliar with mantras, my ending essentially translates as a salutation to the divine to break obstacles, allow for protective flow, and find peace. 3 prayers in one to 3 divine aspects.