Tag Archives: journey

Abraham reminder.

Watch another Abraham video. It’s titled: “Abraham Hicks NO ADS – How to Auto motivate When You Feel Lazy”. I can’t guarantee it’ll stay up long, sometimes links I post disappear pretty quick.

Anyway, it was a reminder that I am efforting a little too much. I kind of knew that, and it was why I said I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions.

I’m having difficulty, and doing my best to pull up. I’m doing all the things, but it is slower going than I want. I’m also having a heck of a time keeping my focus on the things that are going right. When Abraham said to chill out, take a nap, or meditate, my knee jerk reaction was “I AM!!!”. At least as much as possible.

Those moments do help and do work, in the moment. I’m just having difficulty sustaining them in between. For instance, when I worked out today I totally zoned out to the music pumping in my earbuds- so much, that when I went to check a notification on my watch I almost lost my balance doing 4.4 mph at a 4 incline on the treadmill (and yes the numbers were a conscious choice). It was almost really bad, but I caught myself just in time.

Despite my faux pas, I refocused and zoned back into my treadmill workout.

I’m frustrated with myself, with my lack of results, with things not being very close to my desires in many ways. I do feel like I am reaching for impossibilities, and that’s without comparing myself to others. It’s bogging me down.

Here’s the deal. No one chooses to be crazy. And I’m not really crazy, but I do still feel like my brain is not fully functional, because I do frequently have extreme difficulty controlling it. 7 years of practice with many actions to help proper function and encourage healing, and I still have these bouts, periods where making my brain cooperate is like pulling teeth.

It is very frustrating. Especially considering that I was born into imbalance and it got much much worse, long before it started to get better. Born an orange baby from jaundice due to high blood sugars during my mom’s pregnancy, and then dysfunctional family life early on, some of which continued all the way into adulthood. I have literally fought my entire life to stay alive trying to find healthy, trying to find balance, trying to find proper brain function, and trying to convince myself that I even want to live- that life can be enjoyable.

I have gotten this far by my efforts, and after reaching adulthood- with some support from my husband Nathan. No one else got me here. My family sure as hell didn’t, out of all of them there is only two that I feel like even put effort into mental health like I did, and ones of those is my younger brother. Bonus half the time I feel like God even forgot I was trying.

Mental health problems are a modern problem. They were present before the industrial revolution (some very interesting history on that), but they have become much more plentiful since. There are many reasons and also many hypothesis for that, but the acknowledgement of this being a modern era concern is just the same. We diagnose them more frequently and more accurately than once upon a time, and generally people seek treatment more frequently than in history. However, the numbers are still in a generally climbing curve. That implies that what we are doing as a populus is encouraging mental disease and disorders, not actually solving anything.

This really could be said for all disease, we have more diseases to label and diagnose, more symptoms to treat, more avenues to seek symptom treatment, but disease from allopathic medicine is rarely solution/healing oriented.

So sometimes I do get angry at God. I am doing the work. I am reaching for better. I am practicing techniques to allow as much healing as possible. I put forth as much non-resistant effort as I can find time for- all to get my brain to cooperate. Yet, 7 years and it is still a challenge more frequently than I like, and often more difficult than I can handle alone.

Where is my miraculous healing that meditation is supposed to enable?

So I ranted at my divine masculine today. Ultimately, I feel like having been left hanging by the divine has caused all my concerns to be greater, harder, and longer, and I often wonder what the hell I did to deserve it.

Yet I still reach for better as much as possible.

So I told my divine masculine:

If there really is no spoon, then why can’t you just stand here? Why can’t you just give me a hug and tell me it’ll be okay? Why can’t you just acknowledge all the things I desire and remind me that they are worthy goals? Why can’t you honestly tell me how you feel? Why can’t you be lovingly supportive like my husband and help me figure out solutions to make things go more smoothly? Why can’t you just heal my brain so it stops doing this to me? Why can’t you remind me of the moments of feel good knowing which I have had? Why can’t you tell me do this and you’ll get that thing you want? Why can’t you be strong and capable and still caring, gentle, compassionate, and loving? Why can’t you love on me, heal me, and kick anyone’s ass that gets in the way of that? Why can’t you give me helpful advice and do things with me to help speed my progress? Why can you help support me so I can work less and have more time for me and my healing needs? That’s what I want and need from my divine masculine.

It’s been hard long enough, and I’ve done so many things to help, that I feel like I’ve earned that. But maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

I just want to be the healthy beautiful venus with my poly family and my Atira community and businesses. I want love and connections and prosperity and a lighter work load and support from my loving poly family. I was supposed to have more than one partner in love and business- combined! I was supposed to have more, and I’ve worked a long time, practicing at aiming at that goal. I know these things are already in my vortex and in full detail and complexities clearly defined. They’re there. I want to allow them here.

It feels like too much to ask and nearly impossible, but I do keep reaching for examples that prove otherwise.

I reach for the Will Smith’s (the actor) of polyamory. I reach for the businesses owned and operated by spouses or significant others. I reach for the clinics that are closer to what I envisioned. I reach for the intentional communities, especially the high dollar complexes like I desire (like when I learned of the Cerner complex being built in Arkansas that has literally everything I want, but in standard modern construction instead of my domes). I reach for the proof of things not being impossible and remind myself as frequently as possible that I am enough. I reach for the knowing that I am strong enough. I am intelligent enough. I am capable enough. I am patient enough. I am kind enough. I am loving enough. I am beautiful enough. I am working hard enough (hell probably too much). I’m giving enough. I’m helpful enough.

I am enough in all the ways.

I know I can do all the pieces of the dream, and what I don’t know how to do myself I know how to learn or find someone that can. I’m just having a hell of a time getting them all together at once, and finding the funding to make it happen and keep it going.

So I’ll focus some more and do my best to stay on the positives. I’ll do all the things over and over again. I’ll make my brain cooperate, and meditate, and do as much as I can to allow. And I’ll keep allowing as much as possible so that my divine masculine actually can start filling in the gaps and hopefully provide my much desired healing so it’s not so hard. I’ve asked enough for 3 lifetimes, now I really do just need to shut the eff up and let it in. Somehow.


May you have stable mental health and clarity. May you be able to maintain focus on the feel good knowing of your inner being. May you allow all of your asking to manifest. May you find your progress to be great wonderful strides towards better and better. May you never plateau on your improvement, but still enjoy your life and your journey. May you know your are enough and can do it. May you fully and deeply, understand and believe, that nothing is impossible. May you believe in your ability to beat the odds. May you know your divine connection(s) love and support you and are doing the best possible to guide you to your desires. May you allow fully for that divine force to accomplish great things for you.

Om Gum Ganpatiye, Om Namo Narayanaya, Om Shanti

For those unfamiliar with mantras, my ending essentially translates as a salutation to the divine to break obstacles, allow for protective flow, and find peace. 3 prayers in one to 3 divine aspects.

I need LIFE.

Social media has been invading my space lately. My close circle of friends and family have been telling of things heard and seen, and blog-o-sphere is passing around “awards” that are really just new renditions of chain-mails which used to pass via Facebook and email. I seem to be being inundated, and on top of all the continued Covid stuff, it leaves me with a much stronger desire for life itself.

You see, these social media games are not life. They are merely feel good tidbits masquerading as social interaction. None of these moments will last and many will be forgotten by next week. They will simply become an old blip in some server that time forgets.

I need things that are more tangible. Memories that are remembered fondly for years to come. I have a whole host of memories already, and I have people I genuinely care about in my here and now, with which to create new memories continuously.

I have a loving husband, whom I told over lunch that I wish to give him an overdue massage tomorrow. I enjoy physical contact and the focus it brings and all too often we allow kids and pets and electronics to be a distraction. So out of love, I requested he make plans to set aside a couple of hours tomorrow for us to have focused time with each other. I will give him a massage just like my clients get every other day of the month. We might take just a little more time for conversation or cuddling- we are spouses after all, but I knew it was time for something very tangible and very focused, and I took the initiative to make a solid plan.

It is not our only attempt, we have date nights frequently. However, date nights involve food and atmosphere and other types of distraction, so I simply wanted a more focused moment for this week.

Those public interactions like date night are still part of my interactive life, and still vital to my experience. They are also fond moments and memory makers. They let me feel connected to this world and like I am a part of it.

It may seem silly, but I’ve actually become fond of people giving me the look that I know is based in judgement. That look that conveys “what is that woman wearing” or “why doesn’t she shave”. Those moments validate my existence in this world, and tell me I am leaving some sort of mark. I have caused a ripple that who knows where it will lead. Sometimes I wonder if I am leaving the positive ripple I hope to, but I know I frequently challenge people’s ideas and paradigms. Even if that is the totality, just the challenge I present, I still feel like it at least helps others examine their own self. Perhaps in that moment I contribute to minds becoming more open, and more possibilities manifesting. I like that feeling.

I also enjoy watching others interact and trying to figure out how people might be connected. Are they co-workers or on a date, are they friends or family? It lets me see that my little life is merely one of very many in this world. A world full of people that God loves and wants the best for. A world full of people sperated by just a few degrees of acquaintances.

But LIFE is soooo much more.

Life is smiles and hugs. Life is seeing your children be born and learning new splendid things. Life is being there for the grumpy old man that has made sure you can’t get him to drop the grumpy and find any shred of happy; and even with him doing his best to drag you down with him. Life is helping your mom when she’d rather hide. Life is helping a friend try to decided if a lump is scary or harmless. Life is getting drunk with a friend because she was dumped and needs a shoulder to cry on. Life is parties and birthdays and anniversaries. Life is shopping and errands and finding fun ways to flow money. Life is going to the zoo and taking walks in parks. Life is watching the birds and smelling the flowers.

Life is everything around us and there are so many good splendid things that if you hide in fear of anything you will miss them all.

That is what I need more than ever. I need the interactions, the dates, the destinations, the real people in front of me for better or worse. I need the birds and the bees and the flowers and trees. I need exercise and sun and rain. I need to breathe fresh air, even at risk of breathing pollen, mold or viruses. I would rather live a good enjoyable life at risk than hide in fear and miss everything. I might die younger from the risks, but will have enjoyed more of my time here on this planet.

There are so many things I wish to do with my life. Even beyond my dreams of building my community and business Atira.

I wish to travel and see more of this world. Talking to my client this morning reminded me of that. He had seen Western United States, and I’ve seen the Eastern half, so we were telling each other of memorable enjoyable things we’d done. It reminded how much of this world I have not seen, but which I very much want to. I can not do that if I’m busy hiding in fear.

I personally do not do well stuck at home looking at the same walls day in and day out. Even when my children were born and my midwife told me I needed to rest and recuperate, my body simply would hit a wall where I needed sun, fresh air and movement. I simply had to go be part of the world even though I was not strong enough to work or do any strenuous activity. I needed to know there was a reason for my existence in the world.

You see if you don’t interact with the world God can not experience the world through your perspective. Even monks in monasteries participate in the world and interact with life, even if it is just a butterfly in a garden or other monks. Trying to hide from the world closes you off, affects your senses and slows the connection to God.

I know for certain that I am not alone in this perspective or paradigm. It may not be completely accurate for everyone, but it is accurate for many. I see it in my residents. Those that have found a way to get out and continue to experience at least part of this world are far less affected than those that have been sequestered in permanent quarantine. Permanently quarantined people are declining at alarming rates, while those that found a way to stay active have mostly managed to maintain their health.

There is a part of our being that needs to go and do, it is part of the human experience of this 3D physical perspective. If you deny that part of the self in a long term or permanent sort of way it literally degrades your physical health because you disconnect from that which you are.

Be in your self and honor every bit of yourself; from food to sunlight to movement to social atmosphere and friends and family. It’s a big puzzle, and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming to try and keep it all together, but if you reach for the fun of it, every moment becomes worth it. Your memories will remind you of all of the good you experienced for doing so, and even the risks become worth it.

May you see all of life as valuable. May you overcome your fears. May you know the risks are worth it. May you know it’s not your time because you have too many things you still wish to do and experience. May you know your days give God much needed input. May you know you are here for a reason and your perspective matters. May you enjoy life mostly. May you know you are loved and supported and that there are many around you whom you wish to interact and make memories with. May you feel your place in this world and enjoy your life mostly.

Siva Hir Su

2 Things:

No Love at the King

In the house buying process, there are moments where you set appointments and everyone has to show up to accommodate.

One such moment, we ran very early. Unusual for us, being we’re usually a few minutes late, but it necessitated finding someplace to burn 30 minuets. Burger King was our only available answer.

I haven’t had fast food at all in over 2 years, and it’s been probably 3 years since I’ve set foot in a Burger King.

We ordered fountain drinks and a small bite to eat. I got as close to my needs as BK had available. Our “meal” cost all of $6.00.

As I went to get my drink of choice: tea; I discovered that there was no unsweetened tea available. I went with raspberry tea, because though it’s been a while, I thought I knew what to expect.

We sat down and proceeded to consume our time and our food.

I took one sip of the tea and nearly gagged from it’s overly sweet consistency. It was far sweeter than I remembered raspberry tea being. Then I took a bite of my food and I could taste the extreme amount of sodium in it. It also tasted just horrible to me.

I should have immediately spit it out and thrown the rest away.

Did I?

No

Two reasons:

First, I suspect that the short span of time the food was in my system was just enough to trigger the old patterns of addiction. My brain launched the familiar chemical storm response to an old, well ingrained trigger. As I’ve said before, there’s a reason they’re called addictions.

Secondly, I was trained very well from an early age not to be wasteful because there are people in this world starving. I had the luxury of buying such a meal, I should not waste it.

So yes, between the two I consumed most of what was in front of me, only dumping half the drink down the drain.

Feeling dirty, I then looked around and realized that the whole environment was like my meal. I saw all the dirt, the uncleaned surfaces, the dingy decor, the burnt out lightbulbs. The visually unappealing environment was nearly depressing.

I realized there was no love at Burger King.

No one had put any love into any aspect of this experience.

No one had made the food with loving care. No one had cooked the food with loving care. No one had served the food with loving care. No one had cleaned with loving care. And evidence of litter on the floor and on tables indicated that patrons had shown no loving care either.

I felt that was the reason that fast food was so hard on as person’s physiology. I also felt sad that this moment was evidence of millions of people’s daily existence. I wished for better for everyone.

I sent a prayer as we left to head to our nearby appointment.

My prayer started with a request for the food to impact my system in the gentlest way possible. Then I prayed that those millions of consumers find the love for themselves and God. That our society finds a way to show the love more and respect each other in every way, even down to cleaning adequately.

Show the love, even or especially when you work somewhere that you could just get by with a minimum of effort.

Western Medicine- Please Acknowledge:

Just because studies document averages, doesn’t mean we are all average.

I’m one such person, breaking pretty much every widely accepted norm. I am not average.

My thyroid personal-normal skirts the high side of the acceptable range of function.

My body wants an hour or more of exercise nearly every day. One day off is okay, but 2 or more and my body starts down a slippery slope that becomes difficult to stop.

My body does not tolerate many foods that are considered normal healthy foods for average people. Nightshades are a perfect example, but also chicken, turkey, beef, pork, walnuts, and nearly every grain. For any average individual, any one of those foods may be okay, but my body no longer tolerates them.

My body needs more fluids than the average acceptable intake. I drink a minimum of a gallon a day, usually quite a bit more.

My health puzzle has found many solutions that are not pills, but work quite well if I am able to maintain them.

My blood sugars are indicators of my puzzle pieces falling out of place, not true disease. When I keep my puzzle completely together my glucose numbers are perfect all the time, without medical intervention.

My body is ultra sensitive to changes that are not for my highest benefit. Simple as that.

Please, please acknowledge that some of us are unique, different, and the average solution is unnecessary and perhaps hazardous. That’s all.

This ultra sensitive unique person will continue to work on myself and my puzzle, which often includes blogging while on a treadmill, just like right now!

May you feel the love in every way, especially your food experiences and health journey. May you find everything you need and desire and have an easy path. May information always come when you need it. May your health providers work with you as an individual. May we all find our puzzle and the love and fortitude to keep it together.

Blessings

Siva Hir Su