Not sure anymore
Angel or devil
Something hears me
Something seems to respond
All I know
Feels like lead
Boots and suits
To take my life
All my might
Desperately aimed at
Escaping the weight
I am She-Ra
Like a powerful
To keep going
To keep moving
It's the only thing
That helps me
Feels like escaping
Darkest demon's grip
My life must
My life if lost
Must save my
If I'm going down
They must be rescused
Must be slain
Even if my last breath
Is the device
Like a tear jerking
Scene from Titanic
I'm doing my
At all costs
Even risking my own life
May God's light
Upon my family
Might save us all
~ Treasa Cailleach
I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.
However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.
I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.
I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.
Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.
Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.
Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.
It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.
Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.
She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.
I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.
Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.
My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.
My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.
My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.
But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.
I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.
Saying those words I also see myself.
Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.
I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.
At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.
I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.
May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.
Siva Hir Su
So the new year has brought challenges, all of which I’ve met so far.
I was hired full time as Activities Director. Yet to see a pay raise from it. Oh well, I’ve come to realize corperations rarely stay good on promises designed to get the good workers to do something. I fell hook, line and sinker for that stinker again.
Cleaned up mess number two from the oaf I filled in for. This time for good.
Lost power for 3 days due to Winter weather and stayed afloat with a minimum of lost wages, and only one night in a hotel.
The ball joint went out on our only vehicle, noticably making noise on a Saturday. We were gentle on the car to get through until the first available opportunity to see our mechanic (Tuesday), and $400 later we were rolling normally again.
Unburrying from oaf’s mess required extra work hours, some of which I voluntarily did off the clock to ensure meeting other needs during the week. Corporate neither knows nor cares, as they are against overtime at all costs, and all they care about is a warm body keeping things moving from resident/outsider perspective. So problem solved. The ones that care, most likely noticed, as I’ve had many compliments about how I’m such a hard worker this week.
The whole mess put together led to weak self-control with food, and reduced sleep, so I did loose my upbeat demeanor briefly on Friday. I apologized to those present and regained composure to complete my work week.
I will get back on my wagon- AGAIN!
I spent part of my week in training for software we currently use, though apparently not to its fullest potential. It left the trainer and I both with things to straighten out technologically. I also pointed out to my manager incongruent polar opposite sentiments between the training that day and the company Facebook posting policy, she essentially said “I know you should have said something to them”. So now I get to be the bearer of an uncomfortable email conversation in hindsight. Yea me. But hey, it might make two of our other processes easier and quicker- more efficient. That’s a good thing.
And I keep trucking.
I’m looking forward to extras I’ve put into the entertainment calendar for February, including a birthday party for myself. I figure since my birthday already falls on a Friday, which is the usual day for music and Happy hour, why not add a few extras to make it special for me. That includes inviting my family and what few friends I still have, to join us -on the house. I’m quite looking forward to it and hoping at least a couple of people can come down for a bit that afternoon. It would go miles to reducing my feeling of ostricized loneliness, something I know is completely an unintentional side effect of working so darned much.
It’ll be a moment of relief regardless of who shows up.
I’ve come to acknowledge that in a way the residents have become my friends and family to a large extent. They genuinely want to know me, how I’m doing, and especially all about my little ones. That means mountains to me. I hope that this arrangement continues to be full of warm fuzzy moments, and sets my steady course to another step better.
May you all clear this winter with warm fuzzy moments of improvement, feelings of belonging, and loving celebrations.
So we’re plugging along at moving. Thinning the herd again. Every time we move our load gets lighter and lighter. I’m happy for it, as at one point we had way more than 2 people should. Now we have what a normal family of 5 would, and we’re one step closer to living lighter.
In the process this time, I was working on lowering the massage table that had been be Ian’s “loft”, so that it could maximize space in the move and…. I sat it down on my foot. Initially I said ouch and kept moving. About an hour later my foot was still throbbing enough that I told Nathan I needed to look at it. As soon as my shoe came off, the pressure backed off, but I knew I would not be getting it back on. My foot had swelled immensely.
This is what it looked like initially.
It was hard to tell other than the intense swelling, but I went around showing everyone that it was what a freshly broken bone looks like. I explained I had broken a bone in my foot, probably hairline fracture as it was tolerable to walk on. Also, compared to the last time I broke a toe, this was actually less painful.
Now after I’ve had a few days of healing, having kept it wrapped in an ace bandage, the swelling is much less, but the bruise is much more noticeable. It has also reinforced my prior estimation of which bone I’d broken, based on the epicenter of pain. I had estimated it was my 2nd metatarsal, and the bruise has mostly settled into my 2nd and 3rd toes, which fits with that theory.
This is what it looks like now.
Really each morning I find that it feels better and better. However even with the ace bandage, each evening brings burning sensations in my toes from limping all day at work. This evening may be the worst so far as I spent nearly 12 hours in constant motion, mostly up on my feet. It was a rough day.
That being said I’m very grateful that I’m still able to work and help with the moving process. A little discomfort for a few weeks is far better than needing surgery or something worse.
Another thing I’m grateful for is my now fully mobile 5.5 month old baby. She’s so smart and so strong that she’s crawling, pulling herself up to standing and holding onto furniture to walk. She’s even getting the balance thing down enough to stand one-handed, and occasionally she lets go for a few seconds. She has enough confidence that if she makes it about 5 seconds hands free, she tries to take a step, though at this point every time that happens she falls. Yesterday she had a great time demonstrating that for me several times over, smiling and giggling the whole way.
This morning she played with shoes and one of Ian’s trucks, and Nathan had the sense to capture some video I can share. The other moments have been so enthralling that we’ve lapsed on videos a bit. Next time she gets moving I’ll do my best to capture a clip to share.
May you enjoy the zest for life and learning all babies bring to this world, and find your moments of less discomfort and hidden blessings. Aho.
So our ideal house from our original search fell through. The landlord was too traumatized by previous renters’ damage to commit to renting. He backed out saying he was going to sell all of his houses.
So now we start over because our second choice was more expensive and not nearly as close to our desired room configuration.
I have no idea.
This week’s been interesting.
I blew the drive belt on the car on Wednesday trying to go home. So, Thursday and Friday Nathan & I carpooled so I could make it to work and he could get the belt replaced. It wasn’t an expensive repair, but Nathan attempted it himself on Thursday thinking it’d be easy based on having done others before. After giving up, he had the car towed and belt replaced by a mechanic on Friday. More of an annoying inconvenience than anything.
So Friday night I sofa surfed to save what drive time I could.
Saturday I worked half a day and scurried off to performance. My dad made it down from Iowa to see the performance. It was nice to see him again. He left just a little while after the performance so he could make it home at a reasonable hour. At that point we had dinner and I went home and crashed; cuddling with kitties.
With such a crazy few days I ate poorly, and so my sleep Friday and Saturday was less spectacular than desired.
Today was a regular work Sunday, and the resident matinee movie was ELF. At this point I’m doing my best to stay awake and ignore the massive headache I have (since its probably food related I’ll just have to ride it out). Elf is sort of helping, humor always helps.
I have yet to figure out what is next, especially with the moving plan, so I’m literally just continuing “as normal”. Just doing what I’ve done for the last few months. At least in respect to physical daily activities.
At this point all of my mental effort is on mantras and other buoyancy efforts. Anything to distract myself from the likelihood that our holidays will be yet again in a less than desirable environment. There will be no new beds, no decorations put up, no gifts, no running water, and I’ll still have to alternate between sofa surfing and long hours of driving. Not to mention still having nagging thoughts of the boy I miss so much, and I’m a wee bit concerned about finding solutions by the time I’m due to give birth. My heart is so set on having another wonderful experience like I did with Ian.
Maybe after the new year. I really would like to see improvement soon. Nathan has pointed out that despite all of the myriad challenges I’m having right now, I’m staying more buoyant than previous years, so perhaps things will begin to improve. I certainly hope so. I’ve been told several times of late that genuine hope can do wondrous things. I really do that our lives in general and our future holidays improve.
For now I wish everyone else that you have the happy joyful holidays that you desire, this year and always.