Not sure anymore
Angel or devil
Something hears me
Something seems to respond
All I know
Feels like lead
Boots and suits
To take my life
All my might
Desperately aimed at
Escaping the weight
I am She-Ra
Like a powerful
To keep going
To keep moving
It's the only thing
That helps me
Feels like escaping
Darkest demon's grip
My life must
My life if lost
Must save my
If I'm going down
They must be rescused
Must be slain
Even if my last breath
Is the device
Like a tear jerking
Scene from Titanic
I'm doing my
At all costs
Even risking my own life
May God's light
Upon my family
Might save us all
~ Treasa Cailleach
I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.
However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.
I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.
I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.
Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.
Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.
Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.
It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.
Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.
She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.
I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.
Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.
My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.
My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.
My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.
But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.
I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.
Saying those words I also see myself.
Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.
I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.
At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.
I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.
May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.
Siva Hir Su
Years ago, before my online romance SJ, I promised God that if he helped me pull up I would do my best to do good for God.
Now it seems that my long lost SJ helped me pull up enough that I have regained my balance in this world. I have gotten to a place where I can help others to some degree.
First was my desire to help Chairty Water. I originally started with the tiniest monthly contribution, and now I am able to match what I spend on our TV entertainment each month. It’s a step in the right direction.
Second was my dad. He is now with my sister and the few remaining pieces are slowly resolving. Beyond the healing that enabled for me, I’m glad that he has gotten what he wanted.
Now I have two new situations I am doing my best to help with.
The friend I wrote of with MRSA. Nathan paid a visit to her in the hospital and took flowers. It was simply an acknowledgement that 10 years ago when he was in a similar situation, I- as his wife, was his only visitor. So, he didn’t want her to feel the same way. While there he discovered that her wife had left her and was living with someone else, and her mother and father are AWOL because they are battling their addictions and mental diseases and unable to even be civil human beings. She has no one significant in her life. She has friends only, some of which have already helped and some of which are willing to do more as able. She has two weeks left of her 6 week hospital stay, and then she has no solid plan. The infection was mostly surgically removed, except for a small spot in the left ventricle of her heart, but she now has a massive incision in her groin needing dressing changes. It’s eerily similar to Nathan’s original surgery and predicament.
Anyway after my workday was over Nathan filled me in on his visit and everything they spoke about. I reached out to her and offered our home in the same way I did for my father. I also offered to help her with PT and getting to and from post hospital appointments. I even suggested that I might be able to connect her with a job when she is able to return to work.
It felt really good to be able to do that. It’s really not much; in the grand scheme of things, the changes to our utilities and grocery bills are small enough to not even hesitate. I knew that her need for a space to be able to heal and regain her strength was far more important to God, so I know it will work out. I wish more people were able to do that for fellow human beings. We all need each other sometimes.
The other situation I’m doing my best to help with is the friend and co-worker that had the lump in her breast that I had initially checked to try and help guide her decisions. I had really hoped it was nothing and my gut reaction was off, but it has been diagnosed as cancer. Full ramifications are not known yet, but I know that she is super stressed and worried. I’ve been saying prayers and offering everything that comes to mind. My latest offer is to learn her job at the clinic, off the clock, so that I might be able to help fill in or help train a replacement if needed. I will do whatever is needed because she is a kind human being that needs the support right now. I have been racking my brain reaching for more that I might be able to offer, but she has many friends and family, so I think I have offered what is possible for now. Prayers are always welcome.
Sometimes God really does want us to reach for good for ourselves so that we can help others in the long term. I have learned that lesson in a very palpable way today. Simply because of depression riddled pleas 6 years ago, I have managed to slowly climb myself out of the hole and into being able to help others. There is still a long ways that I can go yet, but I’m extremely grateful that I have made it this far. I am so grateful that I am able to take steps to keep my word with God. I promised I would help him if he helped me, and that is what I am doing. Everyday I help people through my jobs, and now I can even help outside of my jobs.
I really do have my baby Atira. My home is not the big complex dome community of my dreams, but all of the things are present, and especially the charitable works. That was always the most important part anyway.
Beyond that God is healing me. Slowly but surely I know my body is healing and very soon I will have healed every bit of my previous concerns. I can feel and see the difference. I am ever so grateful for that too because I know it is giving me massive amounts of energy to do all of the things I am doing. My body healing is a direct correlation to being able to help others even more. I am so very grateful for all of God’s grace in my life. I hope I can properly honor all the good that has flowed through me.
May you see your place in the world. May you honor the good that has manifested in your life. May you understand how God helped you. May you see that there are people who care and want to help you when you need it most. May you find the ways to return the favors. May you find a way to flow good to others on behalf of God. May you see and understand that God loves and supports you, and wants the best for you, all you need to do is let God in. May you know you are loved.
Siva Hir Su
*The picture is my original. Monarch butterfly on orange zinnia flower. Taken at Kauffman Gardens, Kansas City, Missouri.
Side note: The hip/low back is not solved yet. Still in progress, but better. I will revisit it after my short shift this afternoon. For now I sit on ice.
The second topic for today is a mistake, which wasn’t a complete mistake.
On the surface I scared an older clinic client on accident. She came in nervous about the virus, and hesitant because she didn’t know me and usually saw one of the other therapists. I tried to soothe her nerves and it backfired. She got more agitated and decided to not do the massage.
So my mistake was in words intended to soothe but which failed to do so. But it caused the clinic to loose a paid appointment and the chiropractor to have an uncomfortable phone call the following day. For that I’m truly sorry, and have apologized profusely for it. I own it completely and would have done the call if it hadn’t been for the caller’s specific request.
Where it is not so much a mistake and important for me to acknowledge, is that I got what I wanted. I law of attractioned myself some fine tuning.
I realized later that all of my clients that I really enjoy working with are nearly the opposite. They are mostly healthy and always aiming for improvement, and none of them are afraid of much, let alone viral news. They are all confident in their being a part of a functioning society and life in general. I really appreciate that immensely.
Because I am so appreciative of those clients, I have attracted fewer and fewer of the opposite like the one I scared. I currently don’t have any of my nursing homes, my house calls are down to 3, and one of them spaced way further out than normal. And clinic clients that are scared generally aren’t scheduling with me to begin with, and really never did at all.
Yet at the same time I have had a gaggle of new clients that have all become regulars or at least repeat clients. A couple have admitted financial limitations, but promised they will reschedule as they are able.
So I had an uncomfortable moment with a perceived loss that ultimately helped me to acknowledge that I have stayed busy enough without any scardy cats scheduling. That feels good and like relief.
Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate anyone that has bought into the fear. In fact I feel rather sorry for them and wish I could help. But this failed appointment also reminded me that sometimes you can’t fix something for someone else even if you want to. We were so far apart in vibrational alignment that she simply could not hear me and find ease. She could not reach for a soothing place. Additionally, it would have taken me down and been very difficult on me to drop to her level. That is something I am beginning to see simply isn’t worth it. I like improvement enough that I would rather keep reaching for better, than drag myself down trying to help others find their version of better.
Lately, I even dislike conversations where people want me to commiserate with them. I find I either end up going silent, doing the “uh hmm’s”, or politely arguing with them. The latter being my least preferred response because I don’t benefit from upset clients. Sometimes though I know something so strongly to my core that I simply can’t tolerate someone trying to convince me otherwise, on the table or not. I just try to stay polite and keep it short and move on to other topics.
So all in all, my fine tuning means:
- I’d prefer scared people to just not schedule with me at all. Same goes for people that want to commiserate or argue.
- If they must schedule with me, then keeping their fears or arguments to themselves is important.
- I’m perfectly okay with quiet and/or silent sessions.
- I much prefer confident healthy people on my table.
- I enjoy friendly people that have good conversations (I’ve had several lately over fitness, meditation, nutrition, and alternative healing choices, I like that a lot.)
- I enjoy finding common ground with those on my table.
- I like the relief of knowing I can help someone because we’re closer in vibrational alignment.
- I like repeat clients a lot.
- I like having a full schedule.
- I really like people with stable enough finances that they tip well, and I repeat my many thank you’s for those I’ve already received.
- I enjoy a good challenge in my work, just not so much of a challenge that it depletes me for other sessions.
- I enjoy knowing that I am able to solve many muscular based concerns and that I know when clients need to seek additional help. I am also very grateful I have qualified chiropractors & acupuncturists to refer to in office, and other types of providers outside of the office. That is especially helpful when my skills are not enough to solve client concerns.
- I am grateful that I have a steady flow of clients and income.
- I am grateful for the relief I have felt this last year and look forward to more of that.
- I am glad that I keep getting stronger and healthier to keep doing the work that I enjoy.
- I also enjoy having the graphic design work on the side to help have more income without exhausting myself.
- I have immensely enjoyed having time with my kids and husband and pets, and time in my garden is good too.
- I am grateful for the knowing that I am mostly in the flow of that which is wanted and that the universe is supporting me.
- I look forward to even more improvement.
May you all have your fine tuning moments of acknowledgement. May you see where you goofed and know how to attract corrections. May you appreciate your world and your place in it. May you continue to help move society forward. May you feel mostly good and have just the right clients continue to flow into your experience. May you have the help you need and the things you seek. May you have more fun in the process. May your skills be evident and acknowledged by others. May you feel loved and appreciated.
Siva Hir Su
Photo is not me, obviously if you’re a regular reader, but it was the closest stock image to a real massage. I dislike the images where clients are not on the table right, or it’s obviously a posed scene, it perpetuates rediculous sterotypes and misconceptions. Just FYI.
There’s always an upswing for me now, and the refractory period has shortened significantly, in fact this one kinda surprised me. When that happens, I find my desire to write again. I move from writing to clear thoughts, to brief decompression, to loving to write for progress and forward momentum.
The truth is:
- I want to desire only that which is good for me.
- I want to love myself first.
- I will always cycle around to putting my self first, even if it takes some time.
- I am seeing where other’s stupidity slows me down. I may give of myself easily and love others completely, but I’m seeing how I keep letting myself get hurt because of that. Enough is enough, if they don’t reciprocate I’ll love them from afar and they can come grovel when they find their senses.
- I am seeing where no one will ever value me as much as I value myself, especially in business.
- I am learning that if I really value myself, I must put my goals, hopes and dreams first, and focus enough that I remind myself that some of my desires are not good for me.
- I care about doing things I love and rewarding myself appropriately… Mmm maybe that is in the form of a good distraction, maybe one of the people I met at Sunday’s coffee hour can help with that.
- I care about examining the myriad of ways something could fall on the spectrum of good or bad for me and taking action only after determining that it’s mostly good.
The message of today was VB. I saw it everywhere, and autocorrect even started putting it in my written text. I had Nathan look it up since I was working 2 different buildings. He came up with a stock option and visual basic.
I already am working with stocks as much as my budget allows which isn’t much, so the stock purchase will have to wait.
I’m not a computer programmer, and work far outside of IT, so I’m not certain I’ll jump into learning visual basic, but I did extrapolate that message into needing to take the next steps in developing the visual imagery of my program: Atira.
For me that translates into a few things.
- Finish the floor plans for the dome.
- Redo/update the map I made of Atira 12 years ago.
- Start creating the images for my CEU courses, and obviously write the courses.
- Start revamping my ages old marketing materials for Atira CEUs and other workshops, especially now that we’re close to having a functional space large enough for Reiki courses and workshops. (Being a graphic designer in addition to massage therapist definitely has its perks, I know how to design my own marketing materials and get them printed at the lowest costs!)
- Begin handing out cards again and let my buildings know I’m almost ready to accept more contact work again. (Need to finish getting settled first.)
I am fortunate enough to be in a place where my integrity and reliability proceed me. My word of mouth reputation is invaluable in this city. I’m also very fortunate to be in a current contract set-up that is flexible enough to enable me to adjust schedules as needed. As each new contract appears I’ll slide them in where convient, and it’ll just reduce availability at the clinic I contract with, a minor inconvenience. Right now that’s no problem as I have plenty of days with ample downtime, so there’s plenty of time to spare. Depending on my alignment to the flow that could change slowly or quickly. If slowly they’ll have ample time to adjust with me. If quickly, I’ll just find a replacement for myself, though I guarantee a replacement won’t be as good. All the good therapists in this city are like me and happily self-employed, most working from home.
It’s not my intention, as like the activities job, I tend to give far more notice and assistance than they earn. So, I fully expect they’ll have plenty of time to adjust and make their own choices.
It seems God has me on a fast track. I’m okay with that and doing my level best to keep up.
“I’m ready, to be ready, to be ready.” – Abraham Hicks
May you find your realignment quickly. May you find yourself ready, to be ready, to be ready. May you see opportunities where once were hurts. May you see your fast track and keep up with it. May you find the way to your goals and dreams. May you have all the energy, knowing, and confidence to allow yourself your own success.
Many blessings, and be well. We’re all in this thing called life together, and even in moments of doubt I know God is rooting for us to ‘fight the good fight’ and pull through.
Siva Hir Su