Tag Archives: keep the faith

Work in progress.

I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.

However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.

I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.

I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.

Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.

Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.

Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.

It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.

Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.

She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.

I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.

Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.

My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.

My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.

My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.

But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.

I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.

Saying those words I also see myself.

Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.

I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.

At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.

I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.

May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

InkTober 5th: blade; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper, approximately 4″ x 4″

Keeping my word.

Years ago, before my online romance SJ, I promised God that if he helped me pull up I would do my best to do good for God.

Now it seems that my long lost SJ helped me pull up enough that I have regained my balance in this world. I have gotten to a place where I can help others to some degree.

First was my desire to help Chairty Water. I originally started with the tiniest monthly contribution, and now I am able to match what I spend on our TV entertainment each month. It’s a step in the right direction.

Second was my dad. He is now with my sister and the few remaining pieces are slowly resolving. Beyond the healing that enabled for me, I’m glad that he has gotten what he wanted.

Now I have two new situations I am doing my best to help with.

The friend I wrote of with MRSA. Nathan paid a visit to her in the hospital and took flowers. It was simply an acknowledgement that 10 years ago when he was in a similar situation, I- as his wife, was his only visitor. So, he didn’t want her to feel the same way. While there he discovered that her wife had left her and was living with someone else, and her mother and father are AWOL because they are battling their addictions and mental diseases and unable to even be civil human beings. She has no one significant in her life. She has friends only, some of which have already helped and some of which are willing to do more as able. She has two weeks left of her 6 week hospital stay, and then she has no solid plan. The infection was mostly surgically removed, except for a small spot in the left ventricle of her heart, but she now has a massive incision in her groin needing dressing changes. It’s eerily similar to Nathan’s original surgery and predicament.

Anyway after my workday was over Nathan filled me in on his visit and everything they spoke about. I reached out to her and offered our home in the same way I did for my father. I also offered to help her with PT and getting to and from post hospital appointments. I even suggested that I might be able to connect her with a job when she is able to return to work.

It felt really good to be able to do that. It’s really not much; in the grand scheme of things, the changes to our utilities and grocery bills are small enough to not even hesitate. I knew that her need for a space to be able to heal and regain her strength was far more important to God, so I know it will work out. I wish more people were able to do that for fellow human beings. We all need each other sometimes.

The other situation I’m doing my best to help with is the friend and co-worker that had the lump in her breast that I had initially checked to try and help guide her decisions. I had really hoped it was nothing and my gut reaction was off, but it has been diagnosed as cancer. Full ramifications are not known yet, but I know that she is super stressed and worried. I’ve been saying prayers and offering everything that comes to mind. My latest offer is to learn her job at the clinic, off the clock, so that I might be able to help fill in or help train a replacement if needed. I will do whatever is needed because she is a kind human being that needs the support right now. I have been racking my brain reaching for more that I might be able to offer, but she has many friends and family, so I think I have offered what is possible for now. Prayers are always welcome.

Sometimes God really does want us to reach for good for ourselves so that we can help others in the long term. I have learned that lesson in a very palpable way today. Simply because of depression riddled pleas 6 years ago, I have managed to slowly climb myself out of the hole and into being able to help others. There is still a long ways that I can go yet, but I’m extremely grateful that I have made it this far. I am so grateful that I am able to take steps to keep my word with God. I promised I would help him if he helped me, and that is what I am doing. Everyday I help people through my jobs, and now I can even help outside of my jobs.

I really do have my baby Atira. My home is not the big complex dome community of my dreams, but all of the things are present, and especially the charitable works. That was always the most important part anyway.

Beyond that God is healing me. Slowly but surely I know my body is healing and very soon I will have healed every bit of my previous concerns. I can feel and see the difference. I am ever so grateful for that too because I know it is giving me massive amounts of energy to do all of the things I am doing. My body healing is a direct correlation to being able to help others even more. I am so very grateful for all of God’s grace in my life. I hope I can properly honor all the good that has flowed through me.

May you see your place in the world. May you honor the good that has manifested in your life. May you understand how God helped you. May you see that there are people who care and want to help you when you need it most. May you find the ways to return the favors. May you find a way to flow good to others on behalf of God. May you see and understand that God loves and supports you, and wants the best for you, all you need to do is let God in. May you know you are loved.

Siva Hir Su

*The picture is my original. Monarch butterfly on orange zinnia flower. Taken at Kauffman Gardens, Kansas City, Missouri.

I can’t stop the war, inside or out.

I’m on day one of my seaweed and fluids fast. 4 hours of massage went mostly okay. I have been on the emotional rollercoaster because I forgot to take my usual lunch supplements in the gap I had just before lunch. So 12 to 2 pm was pretty rough. Once I remembered that and then had a chance to take them, my mood stabilized.

However, the dip caused some sort of release. I’m still processing, but this is my only chance to write in the quiet solitude of Minor Park. A heron decided to join me and landed on the sandbar as I was finding my tree seat, I took that as a good sign. In between sighs and watching water and birds I will attempt to make sense of the mess in my thoughts here.

I can not stop factions of our society picking sides and fighting. It is an endless war of neither side wanting to budge. There is a vast area of middle and common ground that we all could reach for and none of us choose to do so, at least enough to matter for real long-term solutions.

On the same token, I see that a similar battle rages within the cells of my body. Masculine and Feminine halves of my bisexual self can’t agree on what healthy is and how healthy functions. It is a symptom of things both learned and genetic. And this battle too seems to be beyond my control and may kill me.

This week I learned that my grandmother also had a dysfunctional thyroid and dad never filled us in. At least until doctors finally told him his was broken and he had to take the medicine. Him, his mother and his sister all had end of life mental problems including dementia and some straight up crazy. So I’m fighting a genetic generational karmic problem. That is if you see it that way…. Perhaps my family never learned how our bodies were supposed to function, and I am the one with enough intelligence to attempt to solve it. Perhaps I will at least manage to guide my children to more success.

Yet, my problem is more than thyroid function. Immune system on high alert. Ovaries that don’t produce hormones correctly. Old needing and wanting to die, and new doing it’s best to start fresh, which is a seemingly impossible conundrum because new relies on old for reproduction.

My masculine self learned too well from my father: fat is bad- terribly horrible, and I can do nothing right. I will never be beautiful because I was born a woman with bad genetics. I let my father beat all of the negatives into my brain from a very early age, because as a baby I felt his love. I’m sure my young brain thought if I did everything he said then maybe that love would come back. Yet it never did.

My feminine self doesn’t know how to act. What is really me? What are women supposed to look like? According to my father women are supposed to look like super models, dress sexy but not too sexy- that is trashy, and never have an opinion or really matter in any way other than producing children and cleaning house.

But I want so desperately to love every ounce of myself and know that being me is okay.

Yet my masculine self protected and supported my family when we needed it. And my feminine self gave birth to two beautiful babies.

My masculine self kicks ass on the weight machines, but my Feminine self just wants a pint of ice cream and halmark movies.

My masculine self can’t imagine not going to work, simply needing something to occupy my time in a constructive sort of way, and I do like getting paid well- it’s a sign of respect of my work. My Feminine self just wants to spend time playing with my kids and enjoying life.

My masculine self wants my feminine to do it’s duty and produce kids and make a nice home. My Feminine self knows that children wreck my already-a-mess body even worse and I am perfectly happy with the two I’ve got and the home I already made.

My Feminine self wants the masculine to keep supporting and working hard, but she just wants to relax on a beach and stop stressing so much.

Feminine wants to be pretty, would love to be beautiful, but masculine says it never helped anyway- remember the boy taking advantage of you?!

My two halves can not find common ground. I literally tried to talk myself through hormones to get them in balance between male and female, and then talked through acknowledging fat as stored food.

This is an uphill battle I’m not sure I can win.

I saw Shiva and Kali facing off at odds. The stories never go well. Kali usually wins and Shiva ends up dead to be reborn as a baby.

I don’t want that story. I want my own.

In my own, I relax half the time and I work half the time. I have enough testosterone to keep fat reserves low and enough estrogen to function just as a woman’s body should. In my own story, my body is miraculously healed and I can eat normally again- slim and fit and God gets the two sides to stop fighting. In my story a normal diet plus seaweed is all I have to think about. In my story, I work because I want to, not because I need so much money every month to support a family. In my story I am done having children, I have two beautiful healthy kids and I know I don’t have to have any others. In my story, I don’t owe anyone anything. In my story I have already done enough and I get to do what I want now. In my story it’s okay to be half and half and live a healthy life. In my story, I am loved unconditionally by both genders. In my story the old died long ago and the new is finding it’s way to better living. In my story all of me is important and useful and helpful, and I am loved, honored and respected as if I was the adored old hag, but I do look like a model because I want to be visibly healthy. In my story my dome is by a stream so my seat by the tree is right outside my door. In my story I find my inner peace and maintain it mostly. In my story everyone can see my progress and health.

I am neither and I am both, yet my body is a woman. I owe no one anything, and I owe myself everything. I respect myself, I love myself, and I honor myself. I am on one of the hardest journeys that mankind has ever experienced and it matters to no one but me and God. Even if I fail, God knows I tried. Somehow there is a way to get the fighting to cease and find Life, and I sincerely hope I find it.

In case I don’t, someone please tell my kids when they are older that I really tried and I always thought they were beautiful, healthy, and super smart.

Fat is not evil, it is merely stored calories. It is the result of an overabundance of food. We just need to learn how to find a healthy balance before it is too hard to fix. Please, please teach your kids that. Fat is not sinister, it is not ugly, it is not the devil. Once there is too much, you can still fix it, but the more you accumulate the longer it takes and the harder it becomes to regain balance.

Having fat should never be a conversation of self worth.

All women are beautiful beings that give life to humanity, we are not objects to redicule, criticize, control, own, or manhandle.

Men can do great things in this world too, but must honor and respect all people or they eventually become the disrespected.

Please, I can’t stop the fighting amongst my cells or humanity, but I beg you to try and find the middle ground. Find common ground for God, for the good of our planet, for the future of our race. If the fighting doesn’t stop none of us will live much longer. God will see to it that reconciliation is met one way or another.

May you reconcile differences in yourself and your world. May you find peace in your body and your experience. May you know God wants good for us all. May you know there is a way, somehow. May you love yourself for trying.

Siva Hir Su