Give a man a fish He eats for a day Teach a man to fish He eats for a lifetime
So the bible reads Yet fishing is not difficult It's metaphor for Living life fully Supporting oneself Successfully
Why was he not fishing To begin with?
Did he fall ill? Was he somehow hurt? Did his previous fishing End in trauma?
Perhaps he was born Without hands Or lost a hand In an accident
Perhaps his only skill Was fishing But life took him Far from any water
Perhaps a mishap Almost took his life Left him feeling futility
Perhaps his Skills or tools Failed him Perhaps he did his best And still fell short
Perhaps he made mistakes Big or small Many or few That caused him to Loose everything All his tools taken from him Disheartened Given in and given up
Maybe he has lost faith In himself In God's guidance Or helpfulness Maybe he sees no reason To keep trying to fish Never quite experiencing The supposed benefits
It doesn't mean it's not Still important Maybe those are all Just hurdles He doesn't know How to overcome
Perhaps teaching The ability to fish Is more complex Than society acknowledges
Still a worthy goal Still better than just Giving the day's fish
Perhaps it's humanity's Responsibility To come together To solve the complexity Of teaching all men Not just how to fish
To teach them how to Overcome obstacles Everything preventing Their fishing success
Including finding Faith In oneself Where once it was lost
Including finding Reasons To believe To keep trying To keep doing
Finding the knowing Of his place His role in This vast eternal Universe
Finding the knowing God's guidance Has been trying to Get through to him All along
Finding God Loved him All along Even in the obstacles And disheartened Ignorance
We all fish Some have more Obstacles and challenges Than others
Our responsibility to Help another Around obstacles We learned to overcome
Community coming together Joined forces Helps everyone Learn to fish No matter the cause Of the need to learn
However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.
I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.
I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.
Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.
Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.
Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.
It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.
Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.
She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.
I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.
Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.
My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.
My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.
My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.
But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.
I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.
Saying those words I also see myself.
Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.
I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.
At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.
I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.
May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.
Siva Hir Su
InkTober 5th: blade; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper, approximately 4″ x 4″