Not sure anymore
Angel or devil
Something hears me
Something seems to respond
All I know
Feels like lead
Boots and suits
To take my life
All my might
Desperately aimed at
Escaping the weight
I am She-Ra
Like a powerful
To keep going
To keep moving
It's the only thing
That helps me
Feels like escaping
Darkest demon's grip
My life must
My life if lost
Must save my
If I'm going down
They must be rescused
Must be slain
Even if my last breath
Is the device
Like a tear jerking
Scene from Titanic
I'm doing my
At all costs
Even risking my own life
May God's light
Upon my family
Might save us all
~ Treasa Cailleach
I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.
However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.
I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.
I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.
Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.
Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.
Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.
It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.
Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.
She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.
I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.
Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.
My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.
My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.
My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.
But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.
I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.
Saying those words I also see myself.
Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.
I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.
At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.
I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.
May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.
Siva Hir Su
Side note: The hip/low back is not solved yet. Still in progress, but better. I will revisit it after my short shift this afternoon. For now I sit on ice.
The second topic for today is a mistake, which wasn’t a complete mistake.
On the surface I scared an older clinic client on accident. She came in nervous about the virus, and hesitant because she didn’t know me and usually saw one of the other therapists. I tried to soothe her nerves and it backfired. She got more agitated and decided to not do the massage.
So my mistake was in words intended to soothe but which failed to do so. But it caused the clinic to loose a paid appointment and the chiropractor to have an uncomfortable phone call the following day. For that I’m truly sorry, and have apologized profusely for it. I own it completely and would have done the call if it hadn’t been for the caller’s specific request.
Where it is not so much a mistake and important for me to acknowledge, is that I got what I wanted. I law of attractioned myself some fine tuning.
I realized later that all of my clients that I really enjoy working with are nearly the opposite. They are mostly healthy and always aiming for improvement, and none of them are afraid of much, let alone viral news. They are all confident in their being a part of a functioning society and life in general. I really appreciate that immensely.
Because I am so appreciative of those clients, I have attracted fewer and fewer of the opposite like the one I scared. I currently don’t have any of my nursing homes, my house calls are down to 3, and one of them spaced way further out than normal. And clinic clients that are scared generally aren’t scheduling with me to begin with, and really never did at all.
Yet at the same time I have had a gaggle of new clients that have all become regulars or at least repeat clients. A couple have admitted financial limitations, but promised they will reschedule as they are able.
So I had an uncomfortable moment with a perceived loss that ultimately helped me to acknowledge that I have stayed busy enough without any scardy cats scheduling. That feels good and like relief.
Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate anyone that has bought into the fear. In fact I feel rather sorry for them and wish I could help. But this failed appointment also reminded me that sometimes you can’t fix something for someone else even if you want to. We were so far apart in vibrational alignment that she simply could not hear me and find ease. She could not reach for a soothing place. Additionally, it would have taken me down and been very difficult on me to drop to her level. That is something I am beginning to see simply isn’t worth it. I like improvement enough that I would rather keep reaching for better, than drag myself down trying to help others find their version of better.
Lately, I even dislike conversations where people want me to commiserate with them. I find I either end up going silent, doing the “uh hmm’s”, or politely arguing with them. The latter being my least preferred response because I don’t benefit from upset clients. Sometimes though I know something so strongly to my core that I simply can’t tolerate someone trying to convince me otherwise, on the table or not. I just try to stay polite and keep it short and move on to other topics.
So all in all, my fine tuning means:
- I’d prefer scared people to just not schedule with me at all. Same goes for people that want to commiserate or argue.
- If they must schedule with me, then keeping their fears or arguments to themselves is important.
- I’m perfectly okay with quiet and/or silent sessions.
- I much prefer confident healthy people on my table.
- I enjoy friendly people that have good conversations (I’ve had several lately over fitness, meditation, nutrition, and alternative healing choices, I like that a lot.)
- I enjoy finding common ground with those on my table.
- I like the relief of knowing I can help someone because we’re closer in vibrational alignment.
- I like repeat clients a lot.
- I like having a full schedule.
- I really like people with stable enough finances that they tip well, and I repeat my many thank you’s for those I’ve already received.
- I enjoy a good challenge in my work, just not so much of a challenge that it depletes me for other sessions.
- I enjoy knowing that I am able to solve many muscular based concerns and that I know when clients need to seek additional help. I am also very grateful I have qualified chiropractors & acupuncturists to refer to in office, and other types of providers outside of the office. That is especially helpful when my skills are not enough to solve client concerns.
- I am grateful that I have a steady flow of clients and income.
- I am grateful for the relief I have felt this last year and look forward to more of that.
- I am glad that I keep getting stronger and healthier to keep doing the work that I enjoy.
- I also enjoy having the graphic design work on the side to help have more income without exhausting myself.
- I have immensely enjoyed having time with my kids and husband and pets, and time in my garden is good too.
- I am grateful for the knowing that I am mostly in the flow of that which is wanted and that the universe is supporting me.
- I look forward to even more improvement.
May you all have your fine tuning moments of acknowledgement. May you see where you goofed and know how to attract corrections. May you appreciate your world and your place in it. May you continue to help move society forward. May you feel mostly good and have just the right clients continue to flow into your experience. May you have the help you need and the things you seek. May you have more fun in the process. May your skills be evident and acknowledged by others. May you feel loved and appreciated.
Siva Hir Su
Photo is not me, obviously if you’re a regular reader, but it was the closest stock image to a real massage. I dislike the images where clients are not on the table right, or it’s obviously a posed scene, it perpetuates rediculous sterotypes and misconceptions. Just FYI.