Tag Archives: keep trying

Oscillating again.

I’m having a devil of a time attempting to stay buoyant these days. Between the discouraging lack of affordable decent housing, and being unable to let go of and move on from the boy, I keep finding myself in the hole. It doesn’t help that my depression puzzle pieces keep falling out of place, not all at the same time, but it seems I struggle to keep 3 or 4 of the six together at any given moment. It definitely contributes to my down-ness.

Anyway, this post is intended to get my mind on happy thoughts for as long as I can, so it might end up being long (apologies in advance).

 My goal is to show what I would love for the inside of my home to look like. Right now I’m really, really far from my desired look, and no one picture or item conveys the complexity of what I want. So I’m going to show as many elements as I can and describe what I like about them or why. 

My examples are pulled from online(google), and there’s a bunch of pictures, so I didn’t cite their sources. However, most of them, the screen shots caught the descriptions, so you’re welcome to get to them that way. I just want to clarify that these are all found images that I happen to appreciate, I take no credit for their existence.

So to start, I wanted to show furniture styles that I have always liked. I love furniture that looks clean and simple, but also is very functional. These pics are things that represent styles I’ve always liked. The qualifier here is I also like color, so even though these are muted colors, I’d rather have beautiful shades of reds and greens and blues. 

The sofa I love because it’s not only a guest sleeper, but it has a huge storage compartment under the chaise, and it’s affordable.

Chairs: I still like clean lines and simple designs, but I much prefer high back chairs for good back and neck support.

Chaise: I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted just one of these. Perhaps it’s because several of my favorite novels from years back had one in their story lines.

Bedroom happiness: more clean lines, more organization. Color, in the bedroom, for me, falls in linens, curtains, and wall colors, so I’m OK with neutral colored furniture. I usually prefer lighter neutral furniture, but I do think I’d like to try having the dark woods in my own bedroom for a change. The more easy storage the better, it helps reduce and eliminate clutter.

I’d love to have a huge closet with built in customized shelves and drawers, but the more realistic, regular life solution is the very affordable Ikea beauties I like below. Mmmm that  would be nice.

Finally the environment: I do love color. I have always loved color like you find in Mexico, Greece, India, and China. At one point I thought it would be amazing to have a room decorated with each feel in mind. I also thought it would be great to have color themed bedrooms like castles in England… ” you’ll be staying in the blue (or green, etc.) room, just down the hall, first door on the left”. I’m not sure I’d actually go that far, but it’s a nice idea. So, with that in mind, here are some color schemes I found that I like.

The first three images, I also love the open spaciousness and simplicity. I love that they look clean, and homey, but not filled with clutter. Just enough artwork to be  interesting, but not too much for the eyes to take in.

More themed color and great storage.

These last 3 I really love the colors, but they are a bit more busy and cluttered looking than I’d like.

So now, you have a good idea of what I’d love for my home to look like. I’m sure there’s more I could elaborate on, but this is definitely a good start, and spending the time looking for pics and writing about the results definitely got my mind in a better place. That much was a great success. Here’s to more up moments, and hopefully to a great birthday soon as well.

“Your name is your virtue”

Listening  to Jason Mraz’s song “I’m Yours”,  I always get choked up and want to cry over that line.  “Your name is your virtue.”

Why?
Google  shows the definition of virtue as the following:

vir·tue
ˈvərCHo͞o/

noun
1.
behavior showing high moral standards.
“paragons of virtue”

synonyms:goodness, virtuousness, righteousness,moralityintegritydignityrectitude,honordecencyrespectabilitynobility,worthiness, purity; More

2.
(in traditional Christian angelology) the seventh highest order of the ninefold celestial hierarchy.

…….

Those are all wonderful words.  I believe those are elements that most people would strive to embody.  I think as  humans,  most of us feel an innate need to “be good”. I know I certainly feel like I do.

It’s hard though, especially when life throws you challenges that would otherwise make it easy to swing the other way.

I didn’t ask for my husband to have health problems.  I didn’t ask for my Gallbladder to fail.  I didn’t ask for all the medical bills,  or  having to become the provider for my family.  I didn’t ask for all of the resulting financial woes,  and certainty didn’t want to default on my student loans.  But once it had happened its nearly impossible to undo it all. I will never be able to get credit again, unless I can magically pay back my student loans which are now 3 times their original amount because of all the penalties.

Anything’s possible,  but that is not probable in my current state of affairs.

So what’s a person  to do? I’ll admit I’ve had to steal a couple  of times to be able to make ends meet. I’m not proud of it,  but I’m not going to let my children starve either.  Anya is not my biological child and before her mom died they wouldn’t let  me count her as being in our household.  I still had to feed her,  and food banks here only allow you 3 trips per year unless you are homeless. I wouldn’t let that, combined with my inability to compensate for losing my husband’s income, prevent us from eating and having  a home.  So when rent was due it got paid,  and I found other ways to feed us. I gathered as much as I could from our  environment. It’s interesting to eat salads made with wild violets,  field greens, and wild strawberries, but we did.  I found wild fruits, mulberries, and all kinds of wild  edibles, but that’s not a loaf of bread  or muffin that a 3 year old wants to eat.  I had to feed her too. When our food became bare,  I did what I had to.

Yet I had scruples.  I wouldn’t steal from a local person.  I wouldn’t steal from someone that might not be any better off than we were.  I only took from big stores that I knew were budgeting for  theft and still making profits. Does that make my past thefts ok? Not really, I should never have been in that place to begin with,  and even though it was a last resort,  it was still theft. I’ll always have to live  with the fact that I was unable to find another way to ensure my daughter from another mother was fed. 

So obviously,  even though I aim for being virtuous,  I haven’t always been.

But why is my name as my virtue so intense for me? Well,  this is where I divulge myself.

My birth name: plain old Teresa Smith
Treasa means Reaper.
Smith is a craft worker that uses metal and flame, most people think of iron workers.

I’ve never felt that I’ve been a reaper of anything,  but I wish I were. I am an artist,  and I do use metal and flame on occasion,  but I would not call myself a smith in the sense of iron worker.

Perhaps,  that is why changing my name wasn’t too painful.  When Nathan and I were planning on getting married I’d had so many instances of getting things for other Teresa Smiths’ that I decided I wanted to change and be unique.  One of a kind.

So I did.
  Now I have a Married name.

Treasa- I wanted to keep the essence of my birth  name, but be unique.  So I opted to take the Treasa of my heritage.  It’s Irish Gaelic, and originally meant strength.

I took a middle name too. I’d never had one before and hated that most people had middle names and I didn’t.

I stayed with the Gaelic theme and chose Darinne, which supposedly meant prosperous. I liked the sound of the name, and again I wish I were prosperous.

Finally,  last name: Cailleach. It is Gaelic, but not technically a name,  more of a title.  The Cailleach of a community was the wise woman/medicine woman,  often a shaman or witch,  and would get called a hag in jest. Again,  with exception to the hag reference,  that’s something that I aim to embody.

So again,  why does that make me want to cry?

I think it’s because I doubt myself.  Having been through such hard times,  having been so far down, having done  things I would rather not have,  and finally talking this new journey just to feel like I have  a real home for once. It’s like I am that bad person that nobody wants to be around. I’m the bad egg of society,  broke,  destitute,  and having to use government assistance just to make it through life, even my own family no longer talks to me.  And it’s all so far from where I wanted to be. It’s all seemingly so impossible to reach for, that I’ve relegated to only being able to attain those qualities under some sort of miracle intervention.

Don’t get me wrong,  I’m going to keep trying,  keep doing my best,  and even though the trailer is taking 3 times longer than I hoped,  it’s still progressing- which means that eventually I will have a home similar to what I’ve always wanted. It might just take me longer than I prefer. It’s just not the virtuous life that I’ve dreamed of.  It’s not the beautiful dome  home, farm, and successful business combination that I dreamed of creating completely off the grid and utility free. That dream may or may not ever come true in my lifetime. C’est la vie.

I can only hope,  and keep meditating,  and praying, and maybe one day it might.

For now I’ll just do with what I have,  my hands and time.  And if the shit hits  the fan again,  I’ll just have  another screaming match with the universe about how it could help fix things. It does  usually get a little temporary relief at least.  It seems that my angry fury is like no other, and even the universe responds like “alright already, I get it – you’re upset,  I’ll help you”.

Just wish I didn’t have to get  that kind of angry to get some help.