Tag Archives: kindness

Acknowledging self

Even though I have my moments where I feel like I’m a hot mess, the last few days have helped me to see more of my value.

My down slump was caused from pre-cycle hormones bumping up against bitter cold weather and fighting off a head cold gleaned from a co-worker. Despite a nasty combination, I only went into hiding one day.

I blasted my immune system with my classic combo of Vitamin C, Colloidal Silver and Olive Leaf. In larger frequent doses it always works, and I don’t have to deal with the unpleasant taste of oregano. Today I only have remnants of sniffles.

All while this was going on I still managed to do my job. Still managed to go look at homes for sale, filed for mortgage approval, and found a possible home that we’re crossing fingers will go through and become ours soon. (Prayers welcome).

In the process I discovered that a government debt I paid in full in September, which had already been removed from my TransUnion records, was still showing in Equifax. I submitted a dispute which was returned as invalid because there was an unrelated debt agency saying I still owed it.

When did credit bureaus start favoring debt collectors? I’m sorry, but bureaus like TransUnion and Equifax were supposed to be unbiased agencies that made sure information was accurate.

If I tell Equifax a debt has already been paid and removed from my TransUnion report, and that was the basis of my dispute. Then why on Earth would they take a third party debt collection agency as correct. They should have verified with TransUnion, or the original debt which is a government agency. It boggles my mind that my written statement of it having been cleared including necessary pertinent information was completely disregarded.

So today, I fully intend to ream someone verbally to ensure that shit gets fixed. 2 months after the fact I should not be having to fight for Equifax to report correct information. At what point is our government going to hold Equifax truly accountable for all the damage they keep perpetrating on the American people. Data breaches, incorrect data processing, favoring 3rd party agencies, this shit has to stop. Equifax needs disassembled. Just sayin’.

Anyway, rant aside, I also had moments of self acknowledgment yesterday working on clients. Between discussions including my birthing stories, a client thanking me for the nudge to change her diet (which worked completely), and even moments where I spoke on random knowledge I have (home improvement and things like conductivity of certain metals). I was able to step back momentarily and really see my intelligence and how it helps others and even myself in a wide array of ways.

It’s not often I even see that part of myself being so self-critical, but yesterday not only did I recognize it, I even took a moment of self-appreciation. It felt good.

I also had a moment of great appreciation for my work environment right now.

I had just gotten a regular adjustment (Tuesday or Saturday- my days are blurring together again) because my neck and shoulders were tight. Tight almost always means an adjustment is called for, so that day the owner-chiropractor adjusted me. It was indeed needed and felt very relieving. I was appreciative.

But like all humans I occasionally do something stupid, and yesterday morning was as such. In my rush getting into the car to head to work, I clobbered my head on the doorframe of the car. I literally heard and felt the crunch in my neck, and thought ‘so much for that adjustment I had, I’m going to regret that later’. By the time I arrived at work I conceeded I did need another adjustment. I admitted my folly and asked if that would be possible and the other chiropractor said certainly. My schedule didn’t actually allow for time to accommodate it until the end of the day, but once accomplished I felt great again. Bonus, the acupuncturist gave me 30 min on her Beamer and I felt spectacular. It was very needed and I’m very grateful he was able to accommodate second adjustment in less than a week.

May you all have moments of self-awareness and self-appreciation. May you all have adjustments you need and good health. May the universe be kind to you when you have your human moments of folly. And may you have good credit and agencies that diligently report accurate information.

Siva Hir Su

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Journeys make the dream.

Recently I just finished watching “The Kindness Diaries” on Netflix (I believe that it is a NetFlix original). It was the most amazing story of a spiritual journey that I have seen yet. I am utterly grateful for Leon’s journey for it brought hope back to my heart and provided a great expansion in my being. Essentially, he travels the world solely by the kindness of others, which leaves him in some very interesting situations. In the end not only was the kindness that he was shown amazing, but the kindness he returned was amazing too.

It has made me think yet again about ways that I might do more for others. My heart so yearns for a large scale helping of others. I have acknowledged lately that I am not here to make money; I am here to help make the world a better place for as many people as I can. It’s why I became a massage therapist a decade ago when my art degree failed so miserably. I thought that if I couldn’t make the world beautiful, perhaps I could help people instead. They are really elements of the same aspect of my being that is my soul manifest. Beautiful sound, beautiful images/objects, and treating others beautifully- they all contribute to a beautiful world.

I have been very verbal about that, even responding to queries from my residents regarding things that Trump is doing, that I am a humanitarian at heart- I want to help people and I wish there were more humanitarians in the world. I explained to one resident (when he was asking about military budget), that the biggest problem that I had with spending more on the military is that it wouldn’t go to the soldiers it would go to the military machine- that our country has a long history of sending people off to war, getting maimed and traumatized, often killed. The ones that do return home are “released” and left to their own devices; often having to fight for medical care through our pitiful VA system. I pointed out to him, that even he chose to use up all of his retirement savings on a private facility rather than go to the VA home. It really is sad how our veterans are treated after having fought for our freedoms. Yet the system continues to function the same way, because there are too few humanitarians willing to put their foot down and refuse to perpetuate that very system.

Regardless, I am essentially aware that I myself have not been able to produce monetary gains of any sort. I’m not here to make money. However, I’ve been having long conversations with the divine of late that it’s much easier to help others if the monetary flow is great. The greater the flow in fact: the more people that I could help. The better effect I could have on the world. The more beauty I could bring.

I have acknowledged that the archetype of Lord Shiva (aka Zeus, Jupiter, Thor, Cernunos, you even could compare to the burning bush God of The Bible) is speaking to me of late. That archetype:  Father God with strong firey powers that can be both destructive and life giving; is speaking to me on a level that I am still having trouble wrapping my brain around. It feels so amazing, yet very surreal. The messages are flowing strongly, the mental images are intense yet very comforting. I am literally feeling the divine love lately. I am feeling the love in me and my life much better than the broken depression wrought brain I had a few months ago.

[Because believe me when I say that: not only does depression eliminate the ability to feel love, it also makes me a very angry aggressive monster, and I end up even despising myself and the things I have done.]

Yet, I have conversations with this power about how I could be doing so much more for others, especially if I wasn’t worried about my own self and family so much. I say “if only you could drop a ‘whole lotta money’ in my lap, I could build Atira” and create that beautiful perpetual giving machine to help thousands, perhaps even millions of people. I emphasize that I would do it all in the name of the Divine, that I know I personally am not here to make money for myself. I have proven time and time again that I can exist on little to no money. I can and would contribute all of it to building the giving machine. As long as I had a peaceful retreat (room of my own) and enough food (which really isn’t much these days)- I would give everything else to create Atira and help everyone I could.

And then the surreal gets blissfully even more surreal.

I realize that without the hard journey Nathan and I have experienced, we would not have gotten to where we are. We would not have been so concerned for the safety and security of others. We would not want to help others out of situations that we narrowly missed. We would not have wanted to fix things that other people are blind to. We would not have the desire to be such intense humanitarians.

So then I ask: can we cut to the chase now? Have we experienced enough journey to be like Leon Logothetis and give back in a big way? Can I start having the OPRAH experience now? Take that twisty-windy-curvy, long, painful road, and make it short, straight, sweet, and to-the-point? PLEASE?!?!

As if trying to yell a response, my days get even more surreal.

Messages are everywhere. I realize that a residents’ wall I’ve been staring at for 2 years has objects on it that validate my current experience. I begin to wonder what the remaining objects mean.

I also get messages in text speak- lots and lots of them!

For instance, in one spot I see: L247282… 8 has always been a reference for infinite for me. L or LU  has always been Love or Love You for me. So then I translate the text speak into “Love 24/7 to the infinite too”, essentially telling me show some love back please.  My response- OK, done!

How does one show love to the divine?

For me it’s always been through mantras, art, nature, dancing, and music. They all help me feel connected, help me feel that love much more. So I’ll step up my work some more. Mantras have already been stepped up, and I’ve already been listening to a lot of music that makes me want to dance. I don’t feel like a great dancer, but I do love to dance around a fire on a cool summer night. I can’t wait for the weather to get a little better so that I can do more of that. That leaves art, being in nature, and playing music. All of which I could do lots more of. DONE! Making room in the schedule.

Yet, what about that 24/7 part?

I need to bring the feeling I get when I’m doing those things into all of my waking activities… and sleep too! For sleep, just set the tone before drifting off… it always works for me. Waking hours might be a bit more challenging, but challenge accepted. If that’s the missing link, then I’m going to do my best to show the love 24/7. I’ll bring more love to my residents, more love to my work environment, more love to the road, and For Pete’s Sake more love to my ever-frustrating super-smart yet very beautiful children. If love’s what’s missing, I’ll do my humanly best to bring more love to the table.

 

So, today I brought the love through stopping to smell and take pictures of flowering trees. I flirted with the lifeguard at the Y, I said hi to complete strangers. I gave what little pocket change I had to a man on the street (I’ve been sorely short cash moneys lately), and I drove oblivious to the traffic conditions that would normally frustrate the living daylights out of me.

It was and still is a beautiful day, rain, clouds and all. Things feel good again. I look forward to the future manifestations of that.

Next installment of Atira I’ll talk about the different business things I want to do… I’ve been working on fine tuning mentally the order of things before I sit to write it.