Tag Archives: kittens

Creative relief.

Still no new home.

 Cats dwindled down to 3 again. One, sick from old age, was euthanized to prevent pain and suffering. Being she was having difficulty seeing, showing signs of kitty dementia, and when she tried sitting, couldn’t actually fully sit (kitty hip dysplasia) and be comfortable. We knew she was miserable. Our hearts went out to her as we helped her find a path back to god.  Salem our older male disappeared outdoors and after 2 months of searching and examining found similar stray cats we’ve given up. Social media gave us hopeful leads, but alas none were Salem.

The  2 others never took to being indoor kitties and were rehomed to a farm cat rescue where they’ll be happy as clams and well fed  in their preferred environment. 

That leaves Buddy and Missy (the brother & sister kittens) and Priss (my old fat calico). 

Buddy & Missy cuddling ( they’re the same age at about a year old, but Buddy has gotten much bigger and stockier). They are so adorable!:

The only recent cute shot of Priss I have, she was thoroughly enjoying lap snuggle with Anya.:


For the holidays, we have one tiny undecorated table top tree out, and so far Anya is the only one to have gifts, having gotten to use all the Walmart gift cards to buy new clothes.

So, Monday when I had my first actual day off in ages, I decided to be creative. $40 in supplies (including raw balsa wood boxes) and hours of work later, I made 2 beautiful portable altar boxes and a set of mini elemental candle holders. 

The idea was spawned from a borrowed set. The friend that helped me gain insight into my connection with the boy had loaned me hers knowing I’m never home for meditative space anymore. After almost 2 months of using hers it was time to get creative and make my own. Nathan got a box of his own as a gift.

It was much needed creative relief, and yielded beautiful results that I know at least that I’ll use.

The mess I made of our bedroom trying to work in tight quarters:

The green box left of buddy is the borrowed inspiration:

Nathan’s box with his favorite motif on the top:


outside top:

My box, Inside:

My box outside(s):

& the tiny candle holders:

I even got tiny statues of Ganesh and Shiva for both boxes. I want Kali ones too, but haven’t found those yet.

Being creative literally is not only enjoyable for me, but helps clear my head completely. I lose time, and don’t eat- not because I’m starving myself, but because my brain doesn’t even think about getting hungry. I don’t watch the clock, and I’m always surprised at how much time has passed. It in and of itself, it is often meaningful and meditative giving my brain a much needed tiny, tiny vacation. When all is done and my brain returns to “reality”, I get starvingly hungry very quick and then crash from fatigue. This instance was no different and was welcomed acknowledgement of my creative mini vacation from life.

I do have to confess that the insides are decoupaged papers, and the outside circular patterns were stencils that I then repainted over to cleanup edges. I could have done them manually, but it would have taken even more time to sketch out the designs and paint them completely from scratch. It’s something that I chose not to rush, knowing it was my only chance to complete the project anytime soon. Besides that I love the look of the metallic paints, and I’m super  grateful that I had beautiful custom altar boxes for the two of us by Yule. They’re perfectly appropriate.

The only little one left, that I need to find at least one gift for, is Ian. In theory that’s the easy one.

As much as I’d love to get gaggles of goodies, I simply can’t bear to cram anything else into our current situation. So gifts will wait for the New Year and a new home (& I foresee new organizational furniture first too). Besides I still want to get those beds I’ve had my eye on for ages. We’re all over sharing bed space with a tossing, turning toddler.

Beyond that, I got to play Santa for a friend that needed the emotional relief, if not the actual financial relief. I had great fun, and it felt really good to do something significantly good  for someone else. I’m very appreciative of that and hope that my future holds the ability to do a lot more of that.

Otherwise, I just keep trucking. Day after day, work and more work. I’ve worked 32 out of the last 35 days, and the only 2 days off in the near future are Christmas Day  and January 2nd. This schedule is already old, but until the divine manifests whatever it’s been trying to tell me about, it’s pretty much my only option.

 I’m grateful for the work and the income it provides, but I’ve had many conversations with thin air about how it’s not really my ideal, far from it in fact. 

I really hope that whatever is gestating in the ethers brings relief and moves me much closer to my ideal. I’m hoping the messages I’m getting about Valentine’s Day time frame (including my birthday) are clues of that something good, but I simply don’t know. Just that February is important somehow. Looking forward to better days.

Kitties: big & small.

This weekend it got really cold again. Nathan decided to bring Buddy & Missy inside, & despite our limited space,  I can’t say it bothered me.  they are just so cute & cuddly. I’ve now had 2 nights in a row where I’ve slept covered in kittens.  It’s wonderful.  

Mara (old lady Brown tabby)  is tolerating Buddy & Missy because she’s just so darn cold.

Tom (Orange tabby)  has become best friends with Salem.  They love to play, and I’ve now caught them cuddling like this several times. Salem isn’t fond of Buddy  & Missy just yet. 

Aldwin also is having trouble accepting Buddy & Missy,  but has no problem with Ian.  I  love that Ian now has a little furry friend that enjoys being such. 

Now “what big kitty?”,  you might ask.

This evening at 7:30pm we were commencing to get ready for our early bedtime pre-route. I heard a noise from the North side of the house that at first I thought was a screech owl in the distance.  As it got closer I realized it was far too loud & deep for a screech owl. I also realize I’ve heard this sound before off in the distance. 

I told Nathan it sounds like someone screaming,  we better go check it out,  as by this point it sounded like it was on the far side of our driveway. 

We charge out after the sound, with only my phone led as a flashlight.  Chase the sound across Jennifer’s driveway,  at which point I see eyes looking at us. It lingered for mere seconds before darting across the road, into the tall grasses, to the nearby pond area. 

At that point Nathan remembers that someone in Gallatin had told him cougars sound like a woman screaming.  GREAT! So we do what any self-respecting people would do: quickly & cautiously, yet noisely, retreat without running- no need to trigger this big kitty’s chase prey response. 

Upon being safely inside I Google cougar screams. Sure enough that’s exactly what it was. … see here

  1. We were within about 100 feet of a Mountain Lion! 
  2. I learn that lady kitties scream like that to attract a male during mating season. 
  3. Mountain Lions can leap 15 ft high or 40 ft long… So we were scary close.
  4. They can run up to about  30 mph.  We were definitely too close!

Lesson learned.  I tell Anya: chickens definitely need to be secured by dusk,  & no more playing outside after chickens are in. I then filled her in on safe ways to deter big cat attacks: make noise, make yourself look bigger,  never let the cat behind you, use light if possible (cats have very sensitive eyesight & light in their eyes can be uncomfortable enough to make them leave- as worked this time)  & retreat as quickly as possible without running (if you run they assume you are prey & will chase to kill).

I had no idea there were active cats around  us. I think it’s way cool, but I’m aware of the possible risks & I’m very glad we decided to bring Buddy & Missy in. 

The cat energy is strong with us right now! May blessings abound!

Burn, Fire Burn

I have struggled of late.  A lot. My friends know this & have given me as much support as they are able. Mostly emotional,  but then there’s Nate’s hands on support, Ashley’s childcare,  Jennifer’s transportation and brainstorming and financial support, and my dear Nathan’s everything. I have to say a huge thank you to them. I’m alive & functioning because of them.

Yet, I still find myself thinking seriously about burning literally everything & making myself disappear- not even knowing how to actually accomplish that, and at least as far as burning goes:  we have no insurance, so bad idea. 

I have to admit to myself at this point there has to be something broken inside of me.   I’ve tried so many things to fix this emotional catastrophe – yet even the best things only help,  none have fixed it. I keep searching,  but the outcome looks pretty bleak at this point. As much as I love the idea of the law of attraction,  it hasn’t done it.  It helps short term,  but inevitably I reach a moment where the law of attraction falls flat on its proverbial face. 

But let me digress a little bit for now.  This weekend I  made a conscious decision to attempt to appease two contrasting parts of myself.  I want to watch it all burn in angry firey yet cleansing destruction. Yet that part of me that so desperately reaches for petty just wants to make the ugly trash pile disappear, it wants to make things better. So, in acknowledging those parts of myself,  I thought… why not make the giant trash pile burn.  I was literally going to just set it on fire & watch it burn. 

Nathan thought better and restrained me to only burning wood or paper trash from the pile. He cautioned me against chemical fumes that the plastics & other odds & ends might bring.  I thought,  well maybe they would help me get out of this hell faster, but went ahead and did what he said, meticulously sorting before burning.  The depressed part of me wants an end for myself but acknowledges that maybe others don’t,  so I always end up acting in the greater good.

It  made quite the fire once it got going,  & even though it looks close to the power pole here,  it’s really almost 15 feet away. 

So as I’m setting out to start firey doom to trash,  along come 2 black and white kittens.  On their own accord they have arrived with the intention of making our yard home. The boy is very friendly,  & the girl more skittish. I can’t help but wonder why after we’ve already adopted two kittens,  two more willingly arrive. Nathan thinks I attracted them.  I would argue everyone in our family loves kittens,  so it wasn’t just my doing. 

So then I wonder,  are we in this nasty mess because our family can’t accurately agree on one thing to attract it into our lives? Is it simply that everyone has their own idea of home & the jumbled disjointed conglomeration of thoughts is what attracted the mess that I have come to think of as a disaster rebuild?

Anyway, as I’m sitting watching the junk burn,  the kittens are making friends with me (those are our new to me windows in the background). They’re very cuddly,  purr nicely,  & love to be petted. I can’t help but think,  if only we had a nice roomy home,  they could come inside.  I tell the kittens, which I’ve now called buddy & missy enough times it’s stuck, if you two had only shown up a week earlier you could be inside kitties. But, you’re cute,  so I’ll make sure you’re fed and have a warm place for cold nights. 

I did by the way.  Took the top half of an old dog house and fixed it up using old carpet,  so that they have a kitten sized cozy home. 

All while watching junk burn…. I even put in the fencing for duck to have his own run, & moved the growing chicks (really more of small chickens now at about 12″ in length)  into the coop partition.

You know, if I could spend my life sitting by a fire with kittens purring on my lap,  I think I’d fix my mental defect. That simple moment brings me so much joy. As does music in any form, & art usually does too.

The problem is that you still have to put food  on the table and in your tummy, you still have to have a warm place to sleep,  and you still have to interact with other humans. And all of those subjects are currently sources of massive amounts of stress and distress.  All of which I have no easy solution for.

I wish I did. I keep thinking that enough money & I’d  just take the time off to finish the rebuild & move the trailer. 10 grand would cover the most important parts of the rebuild.  30 would cover everything. 

Then … law of attraction disaster – I realize that there are literally millions of people driving a car,  probably not the only one they own,  that costs more than I need to make a safe warm home for my family, and that’s not to mention their home or “big kid toys”.  That doesn’t lend to liking society, or being happy with life or the divine. 

So then I try to redirect (LoA),  I have always loved food. Let’s eat something for a distraction. 

Yet another hurdle. My sugars are already high,  between stress & some kind of hormone shift,  I can’t for the life of me bring them all the way down.  So now food is like a super strict version of the prego diet.  Lots of celery,  greens,  & lean protein. Nothing else.  Not much for happy making there, and try eating your 4th small salad in a row to have a 176 blood sugar afterward.  Rawr,  hating life even more now. 

So then I think I need to find some happy- badly. I need to do something to take my mind off everything.  …. thinking…. thinking… everything that comes to mind involves both money and time.  Neither of which I have an ample supply of.  They also tend to involve other humans,  and right now I’d rather hermit. So another Law of Attraction fail.

*Sigh*. I just can’t win. I can’t spend 24/7/365 cuddling with kittens by a fire,  but I can’t happily commit to other activities.  Literally everything I do has  some level of stress  & depression trigger. Where’s the law of attraction now.  I have to do these things to even just get by. I can’t get out of them,  but I can’t find even a shred of happy in them either. Believe you me I’ve tried! I’ve even done the “I’m alive and breathing to try again today”, but then I get pissed off,  because it’s  not really a life I want to keep trying.I’ve even tried “at least I can walk & use my hands”, but then I think about how much they hurt because of all the hard labor. Arrgh! *Sigh*

Anyway, in the end this weekend was productive, with serene moments.  I would not call the entire weekend happy, but I did my best. I did yell, & scream,  but I also smiled some too. And I made BIG FIRE with lots of trash… mwah ah ah ah ah… much less trash for us to haul now! 😉

The angry fires cleansing my little patch of Earth helped soothe my soul a little.  I hope that I can find more of that,  especially without setting us back in construction!