Tag Archives: know yourself

Just wow. My Child: a medical medium.

Ian was at it again this evening. I suspect God aka Shiva was helping us through him again.

I had sat my children at the dinner table with blank paper and Crayola markers to fill time until dinner.

Grandpa was in my office, now his room, working on catching up his bills and paperwork. Not a huge deal, but at least a week overdue.

Ian drew a picture of a heart with lines on it. Then he proceeded to start telling me they were grandpa’s heart beats and that they weren’t good. Ian said: I wouldn’t want those heart beats. One sounds like a bad drum and the other sounds like a train noise.

My spidy senses responded immediately and I grabbed my phone and took a picture.

Later I noticed another drawing he had done in the same vane.

I immediately texted my one brother that works in medicine and has done quite a bit with geriatrics. I also knew my son’s psychic talents wouldn’t freak him out too much. This was our conversation:

I am not surprised that my son got accurate information. However, I am surprised that it was about grandpa’s heart problems.

It also now leaves me with homework to attempt to get the doctor to aim for a solution, even though I am certain my dad doesn’t care or want to do anything else. I am definitely walking a very fine line trying to honor my father, but also honor God passing us information. On one hand God could just be warning us about an incoming heart attack so it isn’t a shock. On the other it could be intended to help prevent or solve, and that is where I am currently responsible for doing my best to ensure measures are at least attempted.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.

My father is that horse, already having turned away food, failing to drink water even when coaxed, only drinking soda or crystal light, and making mostly horrible food choices. Then he backs everything up with things he’s read, from who knows how many years ago and with no evidence of accuracy. It’s a mess I am doing my best to handle with compassion.

I’m finding that the patience I have with other people’s grand parents is strangely absent with my father. Perhaps it is the emotional tug of war I’ve played with him my entire life, perhaps it is all the mental damage he caused as a child finally backfiring, and perhaps it is just my exasperation over being the only child that could actually handle dad in the present moment. Regardless, I find that most of my interactions seem to be through gritted teeth and I find situations easier to handle when I just smile and nod and glaze over his repeat loops of conversation.

Then I step away, find a moment of quiet, take some herbs if needed, and meditate my way back to better emotional and vibrational alignment. It’s a repetitive cycle, but one that is getting me through.

I did manage two days of my seaweed fast. Today was not completely successful on that front, but what I did eat was minimal and very healthy. I will attempt more fasting this week. I am carrying 80 pounds of fat and extra skin beyond the ideal body weight for my height and gender. I suspect that at least a month of fasting would be needed to drop that weight. That is based off of Ghandi’s long fast, and the fact that I am consuming some calories with the seaweed and drinks. Ghandi did strict fasts of only tea or water, and his longest was 21 days but he started much closer to my ideal weight than I am, and he ended the fast as just skin and bones. I also know I am not that adept at fasting. I have done a 60 day juice fast, but this is the first time my caloric intake is this low, so I am not certain I will be able to maintain it for an extended period. My goal is simply to break the momentum hump of loosing the weight and get the momentum rolling in my favor. So I’m aiming for 30 days or as long as I can muster. Once I concede needing to resume eating, I will go back to my diet of the last 7 months: mostly salads and clean veggies.

My hardest challenge right now is keeping up with my own needs while still trying to meet all of my previous commitments and adding in my dad. It’s definitely a lot, and I am having to practice the new balancing act to attempt to make everything fit correctly. It will get there, and I suspect as soon as I seem to master the new set everything will change again. That’s how it has been going for the last couple of years and as I’ve said before, I will continue to do my best to keep up and learn whatever is needed of me.

May you see God’s guidance. May you understand messages that make their way into your experience. My you find your balance and have patience with yourself and others. May you always find a way to meet your needs first. May you have understanding and compassion even when you disagree with someone’s choices. May you know you are doing your best to honor yourself and God. May you know you are loved and supported.

Siva Hir Su

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

Society wins again.

I’m having a bit of a mental breakdown. Not the end of the world, I’m doing everything in my power to fix it.

I suspect it’s hormones butting up against my feeble attempt to release beliefs which are definitely holding me back.

I know I am strong, I know I’m independent, capable, intelligent. I know I’m good at what I do and my business ever grows. I know I’m better every day at patience, kindness, and mastering money. I know I am able to do anything I put my mind to and willing to keep learning new things. I know I’m compassionate and caring towards everyone.

I know I’ve been working on myself for a long time and doing better in many ways because of it.

I care about myself enough to fix what’s broken, especially to make strides towards healing my body, my mind, and nourishing every part of myself. Honoring who I am. I’m not perfect, I’m human, but considering I was raised to not do any such thing, I’ve made huge strides.

Today’s efforts included finishing a book, healthy choices in diet and supplements (still doing pescatarian AIP), and going to the gym because they all help me be a better me.

Yet my workout was interrupted by tears and embarrassment. Running to the bathroom I hid in a stall crying. Another woman asked me if I needed anything, if I was hurt.

I just answered no, I’m okay. Because physically I’m fine, my current hurts are not visible. The workout was going great until the tears hit.

So why did they?

I’ve been fighting frustrations and anxiety since I woke this morning. I was doing my best to tell myself all the things I do know and run through all the good things. I was trying to Abraham myself up the emotional scale.

Then it hit me. The alignment issues I’ve had with people I love. For at least 2 or 3 of the people I gave my heart to, I don’t believe they find me beautiful.

Because I don’t feel beautiful.

I want so much to feel beautiful. But I have no idea how. The few times I have were looking at Nathan’s photographs of me. But there’s a voice that says it’s just what he sees as beautiful; others don’t find the same things beautiful.

Society has taught me that. In my 37 years, there’s been very few people my size on any screen or in any publication. Of those, none have my dark eye circles, none have stretch marks, floppy skin, or acne/psoriasis. At least not that the photographer, videographer, or producer would ever let you see.

We are so ingrained with the unrealistic idea of what’s supposed to be beautiful, that there’s no way any real woman will ever be able to even come close.

Yet when there’s only one way to be beautiful, and everyone is selling things to help you attempt to match that, how do you believe anything different?

How does one convince oneself that they are beautiful when slicing and dicing oneself is the best attempt to get there?

When every effort made only helps to feel better, and none show, how does one believe they are beautiful?

My belly sags- that is when it’s not bloated, my thighs touch, I have zits in places only Nathan sees. I chaffe when it’s hot, I get the equivalent to diaper rash when I eat gluten, and I don’t wear diapers. Despite having two children vaginally, I only have very slight issues when I sneeze or cough too much or too hard.

Yet yesterday I walked 12,000 steps without flinching.

But that’s strength and endurance, not beauty.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In the eye- it’s visible. But we all see things differently. We all have our own perspective, our own life experiences which have shaped our preferences and taught us what is beautiful out not.

Unfortunately, I live in a society which has done such a great job at brainwashing everyone that I know none find me attractive. I’m too far outside what is trained to be beautiful. Even with all of my diligent efforts. Individuals make exceptions based on their direct family, but I’ve met so many women fighting this same mental battle, that I know there’s no hope. It’s why I hate the cosmetic medical procedure industry, they only contribute to millions of women hating their appearance, and unfortunately even their efforts rarely meet expectations.

But is there hope?

I have unleashed yet another piece to fix, another onion peel to cry over and shed. Every last one eventually had a solution. This will eventually too. That is for me.

What about the other millions and billions of women struggling with the same thought?

It has started, there are a few more big women in media these days.

But they are still covered in make-up, still photoshopped, still pryed into shaping garments, still airbrushed and tanned, still filtered in the camera, and finally still covered with clothes when those options fail.

Our kids need to see that all of every person is beautiful, even the flaws. When that day comes there will be hope for all of us.

For me I just hope to convince myself sooner than later that the ones I love really do see me as beautiful. I dare to hope to one day believe I am attractive to someone beautiful enough to be an Abercrombie and Fitch model. That feels better than coming to terms with Nathan loves me despite being completely ugly. I have no idea where to start, but like all things I’ll figure it out as I go, hopefully as quickly as learning manual tasks come for me.

May you all feel beautiful inside and out. May you see the fallacy of societal standards. May you have strength when you see things that try and convince you otherwise. May you show your knowledge to others. May you accept all of everyone, including their flaws. May you be blessed and loved in all ways.

Siva Hir Su