Tag Archives: knowing those you love

Allowing what higher-self wants

Post medical rantings, I have done my best to focus on what I want. That beautiful healthy venus body I wrote of in my post “Turning Point” on August 19th, 2020, is in the forefront. I can really feel myself beginning to align with that body. I’m starting to see it in the mirror and especially when I look at old pictures.

When Anya was itty-bitty I looked like this:

Nearly 300 pounds.

Now I look like this:

Me with Katherine a few nights ago. The scale still reads 215, but my body is definitely much more lean than previous having worked ferociously to build muscle.

Yet it is more than that. I have thought about touch, and my intense feelings over touching and being touched by those that care. I have contemplated what love looks like to me and how others might see it. I have thought about keeping my word to God for doing good in this world. I have thought about my community and my role in the clinic, and my desires to own a business and potential near future decisions to make. I have though about my old desires of significant others that would help run businesses. I have thought about how I wanted to see my daily life playing out. I have thought about all of it.

Each and every instance, I reach for the moments in the here and now that match best, the closest confirmations of my progress. Where I have difficulty making things match those desires, I am doing my best to focus on what I want, and how I would adjust the current reality to match.

It has helped me focus in a big way and I am finding a sensation of alignment with my higher self more and more.

I still have challenging moments, feelings of futility or overwhelment, as in my posts from last week. I still feel, in moments which I can’t control the chaos, as maybe it is someone or something else’s influence and it tends to frustrate or infuriate me. Then I have to step back and realize that my higher self would be in control if I let it. One day there will be less of a delayed reaction and I’ll be able to stabilize faster.

Then there’s my kids and trying to help them navigate the energetic world. Anya pointed out a pattern where Ian displayed certain behaviors and I would react with certain phrases; I have been doing my best to step back and reach for alternative options to try and find a lasting solution. I am also trying to teach him things that I do to stop myself and realign when I know I’ve fallen off the positive wagon. I want so much to master myself quickly so that I can teach him the same successfully. He is so smart and right now he is still letting negative win more often than allowing positivity to win. I want so much for him to flip the scales and let the positives win. I will keep reminding myself of my beautiful little boy and his ability to experience joy and that he is super smart and has a big heart when it is allowed to shine brightly. I love my kids very much.

Ian’s first smile caught on camera (not actually his first smile).
Anya burying Ian (2 y.o.) at the KC Fun Farm corn pit, they were having a most excellent day.

And then there’s my Nathan. He’s my biggest challenge because I care so darn much for him. Everytime I see him struggling, be it: fatigue, plain jane illness, swelling in his feet from heart or kidney concerns, or even just seeing him loose his cool; I get upset and frustrated and sometimes loose my cool. It’s a knee jerk reaction because I love him and my brain wants to tell me he wouldn’t slip so much if he really cared. I know better, I myself slip more than I would like, it’s just that I want to see him fully healthy and happy as much as I want it for myself. I would love for my husband to conquer his health too, but I know he has even more challenging things to deal with than I do. We’re both doing our best and must take it one day at a time.

For now I reminisce over our early days together, before his divorce, before money problems, before his heart broke. He was so beautiful to me I did a portrait of him.

He still is beautiful to me and I wish I could erase the memories of the challenging moments we’ve faced together. I know they made us stronger in our relationship and emotionally, but those moments sucked and I would have wished them on no one. It is life, and I am ever so grateful that our love has survived it all, now if we can both regain our health, it’ll all be worth it. It is okay either way, we have learned and grown and become better people because of all of it.

So now, I look at my husband with fresh eyes.

I am doing my best to see him for where he is at and what he is currently reaching for. I do still love him very deeply and wish so much for him to find that which he seeks. I know he wants his health and his virility back, and I know he wants to be there for me and support and care for me and our children. He is a good kind man, and far more loving than my father ever was. I want so much for him to find his desires and regain his health, so that is what I have been doing my best to focus on lately.

I love seeing him and my children happy. I love seeing my family enjoying life fully. I love knowing my family has things to look forward to. I will do my best to stay focused on positive outcomes for all of us. I still wish for others to be part of this crazy but loving family, so I’ll send thoughts to that too, knowing if it never happens it’s okay because I am already loved very very much.

May you see the love around you. May you know you are loved. May you see all of the positive manifestations that validate your progress of allowing. May you understand how to focus to attract even better matches into your experience. May you find that you are able to balance everything well enough and find your alignment even in trying moments. May you find the solutions you seek and may your loved ones mostly find alignment right along with you. May you all have good things to look forward to and moments to enjoy deeply. May you know God loves and supports you and it is all okay.

Siva Hir Su

Multifidus 2

More tangents of my world, support and aligned functionality.

First, I’m utterly grateful to have been able to help my friend with a systemic MRSA infection. Her last update explained it would be quite a while until she could function normally again, having affected her ability to stand, walk or use her dominant arm, and included a plea for help. I was able to obtain a wheelchair for her for $60 and dropped it off at the hospital between my clinic and retirement community shifts. She now has both a walker and a wheelchair, but she is going to need financial support. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, she’s in for 6 weeks hospital stay, with rehab afterwards. She was evicted from her apartment due to a combination of Covid closures affecting her income and then being hospitalized on top of it. Friends packed her belongings and stored them, took her pet to care for it, and we’re all pooling resources to the best of our ability, but if you can help it is very much welcomed. Please see the screenshot below for more info.

As for me, I have had an interesting week. Post strep throat I have not been eating during the day at all. Not out of avoidance, simply because I don’t feel the need to. I have a strong sense that like Covid helped the Earth find some healing by keeping us home, my body is finding additional healing by eliminating the desire to eat and thus keeping my digestive tract mostly clear for now. Today it has amplified to a wonderfully intense level. I feel spectacular and my body is really high energy, almost like having one cup of coffee too many, but as I said I’ve not had anything. I’ve literally only had water, a breakfast shake and my supplements today. I feel great and I simply know that I have everything I need in my body already, so much so that it is almost a mantra for me today. I find that I’m am experiencing immense gratitude for feeling a strong sense of healing and well being. I am feeling stronger and healthier everyday, and I had one of my license plate messages that I read as validation of my wellness…W3L UET.

Speaking of my ET, I had one of my dream visits early this morning. It was wonderful and may definitely have contributed to my high energy today. It was a very loving passionate dream, and I am glad that I am having those again. It renews my hope for my future poly family. I love being loved on and those dreams leave me feeling warm and fuzzy for hours. There is also a fair amount of excitement that is left behind in its wake.

I am also feeling appreciation for my self in terms of knowledge and experience. What was triggered by the PA and picked at by a couple of other interactions, leaves me wishing to write a PSA. Here’s the deal, just because you paid for a college degree that left you with a PhD in a specific area of study does not mean you are smarter than others. I have a Bachelor’s degree, plus a year of massage education. If it had been one topic at one school I would be holding a Master’s degree. Beyond that I have hands on experience in both: 2 years in graphic design and 12 years as a massage therapist, 8 of which were self-employed contracting work. I have experience in my own business and others. Beyond that I have been schooled in the hard-knocks of life. I understand diabetes, heart disease, and thyroid function, and pregnancy through levels of direct experience and conversing with multiple medical professionals, some of which are/were definitely more open than others. I have both book knowledge and real life practical application knowledge in multiple areas and multiple sub-topics. I find it quite insulting when someone with “more important letters” behind their name acts like I’m some dummy that doesn’t know what I’m talking about. If I have experience on something I give it, if not I am open to respectful input and do consider others as my equal. But because of such experience I can also tell when someone is doing their best to take the easy way out or avoid dealing with me, and that is simply not acceptable to me, not should it be for anyone. We all need to acknowledge that we all are human beings with a wide array of knowledge and experience and respect each other’s input and do our level best to contribute to each other’s lives in positive ways, whatever that translates into at the moment of interaction. If we did that, the world would be a better place and fewer and fewer of us would be finding frustration in seeking solutions.

I also have taken all of these moments and used them as fodder for focused meditation. My Atira, my vortex, it is becoming clearer and clearer. I can see where my sloppy focus previously allowed for misaligned moments and the failures in my manifestations. At one point I was thinking about my 3 people in my permanent energetic-heart-circle awareness, and slipped into old negative thoughts about them. This time though I caught myself nearly immediately. I literally thought ‘wait a minute, those don’t feel good, that means they aren’t right’. That simple acknowledgement was enough to flip to the opposite thoughts that do feel good. I did a happy dance just for catching myself and a second happy dance for finding what does feel good. I look forward to much better manifestations as a result.

I then applied that moment of positive momentum to the rest of my topics, and that might be why I feel so darn good today. Between giving my digestion a break, acknowledgement of myself and my skills/knowledge- that we’re all equals, and positive thoughts and massive realignment all put together just feels like an amazing combination. I feel “right as rain” and have a strong knowing at the moment that there is no spoon. My only falter is that my spoon takes longer to bend, but that’s an okay thing.

May you feel your way to better days. May you honor other’s skills and knowledge knowing that you also have applicable skills and knowledge. May you find many things to feel grateful for and appreciate. May you see there is no spoon and that shifts in awareness and healing will manifest your desires quick enough. May you be health and have all of the help and resources that you need. May you have moments of appreciation that you are able to help others because you can and you want to. May you have excitingly pleasant dreams and be healthy in mind body and spirit. May you know you are having breakthroughs that will lead to wonderful changes in your physical awareness. May everything be “right as rain” and may you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

The world needs more like my mom.

First I wanted to share a YouTube video that was a good reminder for me. I told a friend the thing I dislike the most of everything going on is the polarization, fighting, and fear that an awful lot of people wish to participate in. This video is a slight twist to things I’ve suspected and suggested myself, but her words are better at conveying it.


Now for my intended topic :

For every failure my dad demonstrated, every trauma incurred by him in my childhood, my mom showed brilliance. In fact she is the one that I credit for keeping me from being completely like my dad, and teaching me better ways to live .

My mom was my protector, as much as she could be. My mom was my support, the kindness in my world. She taught me how to care about others through kindness and her own personal charity workings.

She knew how to apologise, and her biggest faults were apologizing too much and falling prey to dad’s dominance and a general poverty loop.

My memories of mom are exact opposites to the memories of dad. Where dad is mostly negative memories with a smear of positive ones, my mom is mostly positive ones with a smear of negative (and really the few negatives tie back to dad in one way or another).

My mom was the person in our family that was always doing something to help people that were less fortunate.

I remember one Christmas season my mom was worried that we ourselves would not have a holiday celebration of any significance, and knew she needed to rely on K-Mart’s layaway program to even try to provide a holiday. However, she knew someone that was struggling even worse than our family was. Their family had 3 small children and when she went to put our toys on layaway at K-Mart she picked 3 small toys for the other family to include in her layaway purchase. I remember her being worried about timing because the last payment was due right before Christmas, but ultimately she made it work and both our family and theirs had a holiday that year.

Then there was our next-door neighbor when I was about 4 years old. It was an elderly lady that had emphysema from having smoked for her whole life. The lady lived alone and had no close family to help her. She continued to smoke even while using oxygen. My mom promised her that she would come clean her mobile home and make some food for her if she promised not to smoke while her and I were there. The house always smelled strongly of cigarettes and I disliked being there, and often the lady would have a cigarette ready to light as soon as we left. Yet she never actually smoked when we were over, and my mom did continue to help her every week until we had to move away. My mom never charged her anything, only asked she pay for any groceries paid for on her behalf.

My mom was big on helping at Christmas time. She would always find an acquaintance or co-worker that was having a particularly difficult year. Sometimes she would give gifts, sometimes decorations. Occasionally, if we were having a good year she would do both. I remember several years where I helped her pick presents for other little girls. One year she helped a Mexican family she worked with and provided much of their Christmas. They had moved to Iowa City not long before that holiday season and were caring for elderly extended family from Mexico. She provided them a whole array of inexpensive decorations and small gifts for kids and even bought them a turkey. My father was very upset with her because she had helped a Mexican family in such a large way. I have always respected her choice and it always bothered me that my father kept pointing out their race.

Help is help, and anyone struggling to get through life deserves help. Those barely getting by, need the boost of a little holiday cheer sometimes, and kind hearts make the world keep functioning. That is a lesson my father missed, because he would help anyone that was white, even druggies, but not a hard working Mexican family. Charity is not about skin color, but honoring someone’s journey as being more difficult than deserved, and making an attempt to help another’s life be just a bit better than yesterday. Everyone deserves that moment.

My mom was also a nurse that mostly worked in nursing homes. Mostly working evening and 3rd shifts, there were several times that my mom would have to take us to work with her and Dad would pick us up on his way home. Hindsight being what it is, I now wonder if those supposed long shifts were parts of his affairs with other women. Regardless, what I remember on those nights is how mom always got along well with her co-workers and was kind to residents. There was one nursing home I actually enjoyed going to because they had a resident cat. The cat had made friends with mom because she was the only one that was really kind to it. So, when us kids went, we were accepted by the cat as being friendly as well. It would hang out and let me pet it the entire time I was there. The same nursing home also had a huge fish tank, or what seemed huge to me, and I loved watching the fish. But really, I remember my mom rubbing backs and convincing people to take medicine because it was good for them. I remember her patiently explaining to people that she would help them as soon as possible.

Is it any wonder I have spent nearly 8 years working with elderly? Or that I get along with my mom far better than my father?

Despite working mostly nights when I was a kid, my mom still cooked and cleaned and took care of us children during the day. I remember when I was really little trying to pry her eyes open and asking her if she was ready to get up yet. She would just say “a little longer can you watch your shows please”. I would watch all the PBS shows including Bob Ross and another lady painter that did adorable little animal paintings. That’s where I got interested in art. When I would get bored with TV I would pretend. I would play family or school or tea party, or lay in sunbeams with my kitty and daydream that the dust flecks were fairies. My stuffed animals were great friends when my mom was resting from her work shift. Then around lunchtime she would spring into action, make me lunch and start cleaning, laundry and prepping for making dinner. As I got older she would let me help by showing me how to dust or make Kool-aid.

Then eventually I started school, being the youngest for many years, and she actually got a full amount of sleep.

I remember spending holiday time baking a whole array of tasty treats with mom. I ate far too many things right out of the oven, but it was just SOOOO tasty. The best part was knowing that many of her delicious treats were for others. Should would make goodie baskets for friends and co-workers, she would give breads and cookies to neighbors. She baked pies to help other families have good holiday dinners. And it wasn’t just at Christmas. When our zucchinis would ripen she would bake loaves and loaves and give away nearly half of them. At Easter she would bake cookies and muffins and give them away with chocolates. On her birthday she would always make two cakes, one for home and one for work. All year round she would cook goodies and half always went to other people. When I was in highschool a neighbor made pickles and she would trade goodies for pickles. They would combine their leftovers for other neighbors to get some of both.

When times were really tough for my mom in Utah she would drive across state line to buy butter by the car full. She would take the butter to her neighbors and sell it cheaper than the Utah taxed butter but more than she paid. When she wasn’t running butter she hauled manure, because one farmer would pay her to clean out animal stalls and another would pay her for the load as fertilizer for crops.

She made dolls and crocheted doll dresses by hand. She baked for profit and for fund raisers for school. She crocheted blankets for friends with babies and would give them as gifts whenever she could. She made clothes for us kids when she couldn’t afford to buy new ones.

I have always felt terrible because the year bullying started for me, she had made me some very pretty dresses for school. Yet, they were not dresses found in stores, so kids noticed. They teased me for not having store clothes and then I didn’t want to wear the dresses. I knew it hurt my mom’s feelings, but the kids were hurting my feelings. There was no good solution. It was the first time I struggled with a problem like that. I have always wanted to make up for it and felt I never could.

I love my mom and I really appreciate everything she did for us and especially for what she tried to do for us. I know she did her best to keep dad’s anger at bay and protect us when she couldn’t keep it away. I know she had more than a few ingenious moments that kept our family afloat when times were tough and she made dollars go far further than most people manage. She was strong and compassionate and caring on multiple levels. She put her kids first and God second, and was always doing her best to make our lives and the lives of those she knew better. She is a kind human being and that is exactly the kind of person this world needs more of. I aim to be like my mom as much as possible, and hope maybe one-day I’ll figure out a step even slightly better.

I love you mom.


May you always have a kind person in your life. May you see acts of kindness all around you and find ways to do them yourself. May you have loving caring parents and be successful in protecting your children from the hurts of the world. May you forgive yourself and others when hurts seem to multiply or affect those you want to show love. May you know your presence in the world is helping others to have a better experience. May you know you are leaving a positive mark on the world. May you know you are loved and safe.

Siva Hir Su

I want to make it alright.

When love breaks the rules

It is still love

It hurts the vessel

Carrying such a heavy weight

Restricted by those that control

Sometimes the best controllers

Can’t prevent the love from

Spilling

Overflowing

Love can not be controlled

Only the vessel will get damaged

By God’s grace the vessel

Might be healed

Love doesn’t know rules

Love doesn’t care about

Age

Gender

Size

Color

Class

Health

Or even

Wealth

Love just is

Perhaps this vessel

Wanting to heal others

Will be truly healed

Perhaps this vessels’

Damage

Might be more of service

In healing society

Either way

Love is still love

This vessel

Will continue to carry

Cracked and spilling

For those that can not

Be un-loved

They can not

Be undone nor forgotten

It does not feel right

But somehow it must

Be alright

It is all this vessel

Really has

The only permanent

In otherwise impermanence

Memories of love never fade, part 2

This week I have taken a lot more time to attempt to find cooperation within myself. I have come to a conclusion that my 6 roles of people I love, as well as elements of my health puzzle, are both tied to something in me that prevents elements from cooperating and working together. There is something, some belief, that has caused a chain reaction of things I love failing to work together properly. Examples would be: the flavors I love failing to be what my pancreas and digestive system want, the people I have attracted and love so dearly failing to accept all of me including my Nathan and kids, Etc.

So, despite not feeling like I really trust myself or my intuition, I am determined I will figure it out. In the meantime I’m choosing to focus on things that already work or produce happy thoughts. It takes the sting out of the puzzle and my self-isolation. It smoothes out the rough edges of my otherwise uneventful days of self-induced lonliness (some things must be experienced and resolved alone).

Anyway, after having my stroll of love down memory lane in my last post, I began to remember all of the resident stories that have helped me to see the permanence of love.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I work with elderly through contracts with multiple facilities ranging from Independent Living 55+ apartments to high security dementia facilities. Over nearly a decade I’ve come in contact with many people that have little to no memory, but all of those which are still able to speak have always shared stories of love.

I remember many stories from my one lady who is now well over 100. Her husband was a pilot and she had 4 kids with him. She tells me all the time how wonderful a man he was and how she spent all her time trying to keep up with the boys. At this point she’s lost so much of her memory that she frequently forgets he’s already passed away, and will often ask if he’s on his way to pick her up. I always go along with the story, but find it amazing when after all the years without him, and having so little memory left she can remember how much love they shared.

Yet she is not alone. I have had many just like her.

Mrs. A would always look at her husband’s picture and tell me how he was a good looking guy that all the girls wanted, but he was hers. He was her good man. He was absolutely the best she could have hoped for. She used to long just to be with him again and prayed for her life to end so she could rejoin him. I think she has.

One of my ladies had 3 husbands. One was no good she said. She loved him, but he didn’t take care of himself and died leaving her a single parent to 3 kids. The second was a scoundrel that upon his death left her and the kids with massive debt to repay, and the 3rd she loved, but there was a prenuptial agreement that protected them both. They entered marriage independent and when his kids put him in a memory care facility she filed for divorce to again ensure independence. She would rather be completely on her own than greedy step-kids possibly harming her for her life savings. She always said “I did it my way” but would still tell me stories of her moments of love with each of the men, and get weepy over romantic love songs. My favorite was her story of being in Ireland with husband 3 staying at a little cottage in the countryside, I pictured a very charming man, suave yet very down-to-earth. I think of her and her 3 husbands and hope one day I’ll be telling stories of my poly-family and admitting the worst problems were overcome with a little patience.

I’ve had the privilege of being around several couples which even after multiple decades married still got along extremely well.

There was Mr. & Mrs. S who traveled the world together, spoke multiple languages, and would make dirty jokes even though they were in their upper 80’s. He was a charmer and she was very independent but aimiable. They took turns teasing or scolding each other. It was quite adorable. They told me many stories of their travels together and some awfully funny moments that are the kind that only happen to seasoned partners in love (probably because they would break immature relationships).

Then there was Mr. and Mrs. A. They were both very quiet, but always glued at the hip. She told me of when they first got married. She said he wouldn’t have made it through basic training if it weren’t for her doing his laundry and getting him ready every day. He would just smile sheepishly and say “that’s no lie”. They were so sweet, still are. I only see them once in a while, but every time I do it warms my heart.

One couple, the husband had very severe dementia, and his wife would visit 2 to 3 times a week, sometimes more. She would say he doesn’t remember me, but I told her what I saw. I watched a man that couldn’t find her name on the tip of his tongue, but would light up with joy when she visited. I watched the same man cry after she left and get angry with staff when they wouldn’t let him follow her. He just knew he loved her even though his brain wouldn’t remember how to make the words work to convey it. I know that feeling. I have been there when my allergen induced depression prevented words and all I could do was cry. It’s the love behind it all that matters.

My own dad, just beginning to really show dementia, can’t understand why mom left. He only remembers the good things. He only remembers the loving moments. He doesn’t understand that she remembers the other not-so-good moments because her memory is still fresh. He wants her back, but she’s not able to do that because she was hurt and the wounds still sting. My dad still loves her, and she admits she loves him, but just can’t be hurt anymore. She says she’s too old to put up with the hurts just because she loves him. She does better alone, she swears, but I know her lonliness sometimes makes her wonder.

There are so many stories like these, and I’ve only worked with elderly for 7 years. I can’t imagine how many stories more seasoned staff have. It is a huge comfort to me, a wonderful reminder, that at the end of everything, love always prevails, even when hurts have happened.

The human spirit is resilient, but love is the most resilient of all.

May you feel love, for yourself, for a significant other (or 2 or 3 or 4); for children, pets, and extended family. May that love carry with it many many good memories that last until your dieing day. May you always find those memories of love within reach and easy to recall. May you always be able to express your love easily and have it accepted by those hearing your words. May you love yourself as much as any other. May you always find the perfect way to express your love, and may you always trust yourself and your intuition.

Siva Hir Su