Tag Archives: learning

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

Awe and amazement…

Nathan and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We’ve been together over 16 years. Anya was born over 14 years ago, and her mom left us over 13 years ago. I very much enjoyed her early childhood, but often felt like I wasn’t as much of an influence as I would have liked to be. Nathan has always sworn otherwise.

Tonight I really truly saw myself in my children and it was wonderful.

I really saw Ian and his thought processes. It was an “I discovered mini me” moment. He was getting frustrated because I said “I love you” followed by “I want to set my seat-mat”. I walked him through in painstaking detail how those are 2 separate concepts, the pause shows that, and they were not any bearing on his intelligence. I explained I know he knows how to push buttons and turn things on and off and even to change settings. I then explained how I know he’s learning to read, but he just doesn’t know the words for those settings yet and it would be faster for me to set it, than teach him how.

Essentially, he had thought that my 2 sentences meant I thought he couldn’t set my seat, like he was unable. As soon as I explained it the long way, he understood it was just he hadn’t gotten that far yet. My son, detail oriented just like me. Super intelligent just like me. Eager to learn, just like me. Impatient with himself, just like me. Super sensitive, just like me.

I told him that learning is like telling your brain I love you. The more he learns things the happier his brain will be. It’s a start… that will eventually be breaking curves, just like me.

Then Katherine decided to join the fun. I watched my 17-month-old run and sidestep an object without breaking stride. I watched her then do a pratfall in a perfectly clear area and laugh at herself. Then minutes later she demonstrated being able to climb the baby gate. She even demonstrated fine motor skills of putting a spoon part way through the slots of the baby gate and pulling it back. She tried to feed one of the kitties with the same spoon.

She made me sound out words by intently watching my mouth and then jabbing my lip for emphasis. I could see how intently she was focused on learning everything as fast as she possibly could, just like me.

As I sat eating my evening treat: almond butter and cashew butter mixed with a bit of honey, she climbed up on my lap and pointed at it and then her mouth, just like “Simon’s Cat“. I proceeded to give her as much as she wanted. I explained to her: “Uh oh, and I break all the rules: you’re not supposed to have any of these until you’re 5”. I thought that’s so silly, they have no idea how healthy these are for people.

I told her the nuts had nutrients that helped her use other nutrients, and healthy fats that help fix broken cells and build a great brain, and the sweet honey gave energy to do everything.

I then marveled at how on Earth could anyone actually believe that those are unhealthy foods.

Those are essentially first foods, the human race has been eating since the beginning of mankind on this planet. We have been conditioned over millennia that those foods sustain life. It’s only with modern problems that people’s bodies have been trained to think those items contain negative triggers.

Peanuts alone: a major anaflactic allergy was 1 in 100,000+ only a couple/few of decades ago. Now it’s 1 in 140, and a major portion of that escallation has happened in the last 10 years. Answer yourself how are our bodies being told that peanuts are so bad?

Nuts, fruits, and meats were first foods, and honey was the first sweetener. It amazes me that people have been trained that honey for babies will kill them. It is true that honey can have minute traces of botulism toxin, yet that toxin is what we inject in large quantities in adults for everything from puffy lips to migraines. There have been a rare few cases of babies that have died where honey was introduced just before their death, but no smoking gun to prove that’s what killed them. I’m going to point out here that either those babies were exposed to higher levels of botulism than normal (which can happen a number of ways), or they had very weak systems that would have struggled against nearly everything in their environment. The cases are sad but no reason to rule out honey as life sustaining food.

I have always fed my children Earths first foods and will always continue to do so. Yet I strive to keep as many man-made chemicals out of their bloodstream as possible. None of my children have suffered, and by my awe and wonder this evening- I know that they are flourishing.

I am ever so grateful that I have the knowledge and intelligence to have this experience. I am extremly grateful for my guiding connection to the divine that helps me see both the path to, and the results from, a moment like this. I am grateful that my children are just like me, regardless of money in the equation, it will get them far.

May you see the blessings in all your qualities. May you see the best of your children and be able to help them learn and grow on a path of least resistance. May you feel the love of the divine, and the guidance to give your children the best chances in this world. May you find full understanding of yourself and how wonderful it can be to help another little being discover this world.

Be well and be loved.

Siva Hir Su

Social justice meets Bollywood

I have been following a new blog by  Deeply Shredded and one of his recent posts recommended watching “AArakshan” a Bollywood film.

It has been a long while since I have watched a full length Bollywood film. This was a long one, so it took me 2 days to watch it in 20 min increments, around my work. I had totally forgotten how much like our American made Musicals they are. The musical moments in this film reminded me of the over-the-top numbers of the likes of “Moulin Rouge” or “Chicago”. Very entertaining, though I was aware very quickly that this movie was about far more than entertainment.

It was intended to bring to light social inequalities and it is unclear to me if the events that had occurred in the movie were based on actual historical events or if it was more of a docu-drama more loosely based in reality. Regardless, it does delve into real concerns over the sorely outdated caste system and the plague that it causes on vast populations within India. More specifically it looks at how the lower casts have had to struggle for even the right to basic education.

Their terminology used for a law was Reservation, as in we are reserving these spaces for the lower casts. It directly reminded me of our own Affirmative Action here in the United States and also the Desegregation of schools in the 1950’s and 1960’s, and resulting busing in the 1970’s.

Though my life is not that of a lower cast Indian, I found I could relate on some level. I grew up with a father that could not stand Affirmative Action, because it did nothing for him. He was angry that our family had come to America as indentured servants, yet were not afforded any ‘compensation’ as the blacks were. As a child I could remember him ranting about Affirmative Action and how it was keeping him from getting jobs. Yet he could not see that the major difference for him was that he was a grown white male with a college degree in engineering and a European name. I never understood why he felt that way. I could see that he looked like everyone else he worked with, literally every office he ever worked in was old white men with the random black person or woman.  I could see that regardless of whether Affirmative Action was in place, my father was never in jeopardy of having a job unless it was by his own mis-step or mis-fortune. Essentially, my father had the rights and privileges that those of black skin or female gender did not. (He was equivalent to the upper cast in India, and Blacks/Women the lower cast.)

This movie was making the same point. The upper casts by birth were showered with rights, privileges and resources that lowers casts simply didn’t even have access to. The turning point was when the Principle pointed out that the rich boy with low scores could hardly be compared to the poor child with the same scores, for the rich child had all of the resources needed to learn properly and succeed. If the child with all of the resources was still failing it was simply a reflection of their ability or desire to do well, and that should not allow them to take precedent over the child that managed just as well with nothing and no support.

I really understood when the Principle initially refused to agree with the Reservation law. I understood that he had wished for there to be simple equality where a person’s results were balanced against their resources and assistance. That he wish for no more than for the cast system to be acknowledged as obsolete by everyone, and that both sides could see the other. {BTW I totally agree, I wish all of society functioned that way. I too wish that we could stop labeling and putting factions of our world population down for just their mere existence.}

Alas, as is often the case in this world, the greedy were the privileged. They were the ones with access to the controlling mechanisms and all of the resources, and the idea of others encroaching on that made them react in fear of loss. They simply can’t bear to share anything. The ‘mastermind’ of the movie was intelligent and well connected, and made all of the right moves to make sure everyone was afraid of him. He took the Principle out and took his home and pushed him down as far as he possibly could.

In the end the Principle rebuilt on his own, teaching for free. He was still successful earning the trust of thousands of families. When everything came to a head and the greedy parties threatened to do physical harm and destroy what was rebuilt, a high government official stepped in. She stopped the battle before it was started and gave the principle a new remedial school to continue to run for the free education of the poor casts. He was rewarded as the hero of education.

I must say that I have several thoughts on this matter:

  1. Intelligence is not the only thing you need to earn the respect of a community at large. Intelligence must be accompanied by heart and wisdom. That is why the Principle was the hero, and why the greedy parties were only able to strike fear in the people. The same with money: money is only good if accompanied by heart and wisdom. I am reminded of our own Rockefeller Family especially SR vs JR and the mindset difference between them. Today we can still see this dichotomy play out with examples like Trump vs. Oprah/Paul Newman/Branson/Warren Buffet (the billionaires club being invaluable to good deeds these days).
  2. All humans do deserve an education. That is a basic right, and I am glad that the Principle was able to win the war. Since those rich people wish to separate themselves so badly, let them have their private paid schools and continue to coast through life, while the rest of us do the real work to ensure humanity continues to thrive.
  3. I too wish that this world could finally move past outdated useless ideas and find the ideal of equality. These battles have been raging for centuries and they have yet to solve anything for anyone. I genuinely wish that my generation and those younger than me, can come together for once and for all, and put an end to all of this bullshit. We all have hearts and lungs and flowing blood. We all need to eat and drink, and we should all be able to live in this world with less fear induced by others of our own species.  There is no reason to perpetuate this fucked up idea that any one group is better than or lesser than another. Treat each other as the humans we are. Be Kind damnit!
  4. Finally, you reap what you sow. If you are deceptive, deceitful, greedy and hateful, you are likely to get put in your place by the end of your life. If you genuinely strive to do better, be a better person, and do good in this world, eventually you will find reward of one kind or another. Nathan and I like to refer to that as Universal Law or God Law. Humans can attempt to make rules, laws, regulations to dictate what is good and what is bad, but we are merely attempting to put words and labels on something you just know when you see it. Lets all aim for the positive side of the scale. Be Kind, Be Good, Be Caring, Be Helpful.
    • Be the Change You Wish To See in the World! ~Ghandi

Thank you for reading my rants and rambles. May you all find your light in this world and feel safe and respected. May you all have your basic rights honored and find a way to a prosperous life.

As Above, So Below, So Mote it Be.

Dhanyavadam. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Moving… breaking… playing

So we’re plugging along at moving. Thinning the herd again. Every time we move our load gets lighter and lighter. I’m happy for it, as at one point we had way more than 2 people should. Now we have what a normal family of 5 would, and we’re one step closer to living lighter.

In the process this time, I was working on lowering the massage table that had been be Ian’s “loft”, so that it could maximize space in the move and…. I sat it down on my foot. Initially I said ouch and kept moving. About an hour later my foot was still throbbing enough that I told Nathan I needed to look at it. As soon as my shoe came off, the pressure backed off, but I knew I would not be getting it back on. My foot had swelled immensely.

This is what it looked like initially.

It was hard to tell other than the intense swelling, but I went around showing everyone that it was what a freshly broken bone looks like. I explained I had broken a bone in my foot, probably hairline fracture as it was tolerable to walk on. Also, compared to the last time I broke a toe, this was actually less painful.

Now after I’ve had a few days of healing, having kept it wrapped in an ace bandage, the swelling is much less, but the bruise is much more noticeable. It has also reinforced my prior estimation of which bone I’d broken, based on the epicenter of pain. I had estimated it was my 2nd metatarsal, and the bruise has mostly settled into my 2nd and 3rd toes, which fits with that theory.

This is what it looks like now.

Really each morning I find that it feels better and better. However even with the ace bandage, each evening brings burning sensations in my toes from limping all day at work. This evening may be the worst so far as I spent nearly 12 hours in constant motion, mostly up on my feet. It was a rough day.

That being said I’m very grateful that I’m still able to work and help with the moving process. A little discomfort for a few weeks is far better than needing surgery or something worse.

__________________

Another thing I’m grateful for is my now fully mobile 5.5 month old baby. She’s so smart and so strong that she’s crawling, pulling herself up to standing and holding onto furniture to walk. She’s even getting the balance thing down enough to stand one-handed, and occasionally she lets go for a few seconds. She has enough confidence that if she makes it about 5 seconds hands free, she tries to take a step, though at this point every time that happens she falls. Yesterday she had a great time demonstrating that for me several times over, smiling and giggling the whole way.

This morning she played with shoes and one of Ian’s trucks, and Nathan had the sense to capture some video I can share. The other moments have been so enthralling that we’ve lapsed on videos a bit. Next time she gets moving I’ll do my best to capture a clip to share.

May you enjoy the zest for life and learning all babies bring to this world, and find your moments of less discomfort and hidden blessings. Aho.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Don’t let yourself be Dr. Zhivago’ed

Okay, so I’m back on the upswing. I’m getting a lot better at un-burying myself more quickly these days. It helps that I can now see the ‘diet, sleep, exercise’ trifecta of instant punishment, or instant relief. It’s amazing how bad choices affect my mood first, but as I pull out, I notice the other things like the mild vertigo and loss of balance caused by the brain inflammation. It also seems like making the good choices is having a quicker effect these days at fixing the inflammation and bringing myself back into alignment- that’s a way good thing.

Anyway, in an attempt to ramble less this post (so I can get to sleep soon), one of the benefits I am now seeing is a better world view. I now have a sense that “reality” is a giant illusion, that I am indeed in the Matrix. I’m starting to get messages clearer. After the last blog post, I had someone offer suggestions for queries leading to some direction with the home construction situation. I’ll update when that fully pans out, but the important part is that it was a more direct, and easily understood result of my request for clarity and direction- I’m starting to get clear responses from my illusion. The other response that I got had to do with how I respond to certain situations. Essentially, a good friend that doesn’t seem to really believe in anything (she’s very scientific and matter-of-fact) had a conversation with me that helped me see some alternate views and ways to respond to mundane family situations. That combined with Abraham’s daily email quote (below) made it clear that I really have to work hard at choosing not just my foods, sleep, and exercise, but also every thought at ALL times.

If you are ending up where you want to be, what difference does it make whether you went fast or slow? Or what difference does it make whether it was painful before it got really good? Isn’t that the point of free will? You get to choose.

Excerpted from San Francisco, CA – Saturday, July 30th, 2005

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Essentially, I’m working on getting an answer to the statement about not understanding what Nathan meant when he said “things are different because I’m in love twice over, and I have to find a new way of doing things”. I’m literally getting into the nitty gritty of picking apart my brain’s automatic responses and replacing them with different, hopefully better, choices. After my conversation with my friend, I literally got super sleepy and concluded that my brain was literally building new brain cells with this new information and plan of action.

Today I felt refreshed enough to get some major cleaning and reorganizing done in our temporary home. I felt good to have not just a mental shift, but also a physical reflection of that shift. A constructive conversation with the family also helped to feel like I was being heard for the first time in a while. I literally feel things starting to shift and the request (also from the last blog) for a physical manifestation of that progress came in today’s conversation and cleaning house.

So, where does Dr. Z come in? At work one of my residents was watching Dr. Zhivago when I went into her apartment. She left it running during the massage. I’d seen the movie a few times, as my mother loved it, but this day I only got to see about a 30 minute section.

It was the section between Yuri (Omar Sharif) and Lara (Julie Christie) making love, and the fast forward where Yuri dies of a heart attack as he’s trying to chase a woman he thinks is Lara, and we see that their daughter is being filled in on the tale of events. Essentially, that section is about putting safety for loved ones and societal constructs (belief in sin, political convictions, etc.) above your own desires. Yuri literally watches his love leave to never see her again. He doesn’t know that, he just knows he loves her enough to put her safety first, but because of his own political convictions, he can’t bear to leave on the train with a man he despises. So he sends them on their way and runs to watch them from a 2nd floor window. He never knew he had a daughter and never got to see Lara again, working the rest of his days in a deadened state, which the one officer described as like having a heart of ice.

As I sit giving a massage and occasionally watching this movie play out, I can’t help but think of my life and my choices, and people I’ve met and loved. I then realize how many things go into making us who we are,  into building our brains and guiding our decisions. How many choices seem to be so clear cut, when perhaps they aren’t. How many things I’ve done because it is “what we’re supposed to do”. Then, I sat there thinking about my previous comments about how loving Nathan has seemed like it screwed me. I had to admit, even with the financial woes of our 14 years together, I don’t think I would go back and change anything. We have had some really amazing moments together. I have had many good experiences with Nathan that probably would not have even happened if I’d not have been with him. I have learned so much about the world and especially about myself because of my relationship with Nathan. So yes, even though it’s been a bumpy ride that I was well warned against, I am- to this day- glad that I put love first and followed my heart. It has been worth every ounce of heartache for all of the bountiful goodness that loving him has brought me. I know so much more about myself now and I’m literally healing myself in many ways because of his help and encouragement over the years. I am so grateful that love helped us stick together through thick and thin and enabled such wonderful growth and development for both of us.

I then thought about my online love. How I would have never thought that even remotely possible if it hadn’t been for Nathan. How he has the potential to bring equally as much love and personal growth and wonderful experiences. How we would both be challenged and yet both be receiving such wonderful blessings of a loving relationship. Then I thought about how Yuri couldn’t bring himself to overcome his ideas of sin and his strong political views to follow Lara to safety. I have to say that it made me very sad and made me wonder if my friend will succumb to similar (yet in many ways very different) pressures. All I could think is that there are a myriad of ways to work things out in Polyamory, and I really hoped that he could see even a few of those ways and give love a chance.

BUT, then I cycle back to “it’s all an illusion”, this is just one of many possibilities. One of many ways that people interact with their world, their illusions. I’ve already been shown the good results of my new love, I’ve already seen the beautiful wonderful blessings that the relationship could bring. I still wouldn’t call myself a psychic- I would be the worst at trying to give other people any useful information, but every great once in a while I get mental images and mental “video clips” that are so vivid that I can’t help but know that there is truth in them. And this new relationship has already had that.

Prior to this situation, the last time I got these images was the birth of Ian. My midwives just kept telling me visualize the birth you want to have. Every time I went to visualize the birth, I knew all was well and going smoothly, but I could never see baby at the moment of birth. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t imagine seeing baby, but I always had a sense that baby was fine. Then when I actually gave birth, Ian came out facing backward, I had so much low back pain because of it that I spent my time leaning forward. The final moment of birth, Ian came out behind me and the midwife unwrapped the cord from around him, and then passed him forward to me in the water (I had a beautiful full water birth like I’d always wanted). The cord was wrapped, but loosely so no serious risk, and my midwife was so amazing she handled it perfectly. But it meant that my visualization was 100% accurate, the midwife and Nathan saw baby before I did.

Now I have a series of new visions just like that. They are so vivid, feel so wonderful, that I can’t help but believe they are the same thing. So, Dr. Z or not, I believe that all of us will overcome our limiting beliefs and the end result will be a very happy, prosperous, poly family, with love overflowing between us all. I choose to hold onto that, and utilize Dr. Z as a tool to reinforce the need to stay focused and do my mental homework. I will rewrite my brain to better days, and I am appreciative for Nathan’s support along the way, and I look forward to the day I have 2 loves by my side. Love can and will prevail, regardless of mental conditioning of any kind. Blessed Be.

Why do I think I can do this?

OKay,  so on the surface this definitely seems to be a truly stupidly crazy undertaking,  especially to take a family along. So why on earth would I do it?

As I wrote in my first post,  I definitely have qualities in my personality that mirror Kali-Ma. Something that my husband says he no longer fears.  I essentially hit a breaking  point,  & everything is destroyed so I can start over fresh.  Sometimes it results in improvement,  hands down. Sometimes, it seems more of a sideways change that just buys me some sanity time.

Either way, it keeps me from falling off the deep end permanently.

Is change hard?  Most definitely!
It it worth it? Certainly!

Now, this confidence didn’t come overnight.

One landlord let us work of rent repairing her houses,  but wanted repairs to be cosmetic & quick.  Thus, many times we found ourselves saying – shouldn’t this be done differently? The answer was always yes,  but that’s not what she wants – gotta do what the boss orders.

Another landlord gave us the same deal,  but actually had us do the work the right way.  We learned much more useful skills with her projects.

Then there was the 3 sheds & 3 decks I helped my dad build as a kid. A frightening stressful endeavor,  but which gave me skills I’ve used many times  over.

Then several roof repairs/maintenance both on my parents homes,  & my first mobile home.

My first mobile home I bought when I was in college.  I remodeled the bathroom,  put  in new flooring,  replaced the kitchen sink & faucets, & light fixtures.  Replaced electrical,  & painted.  It ended up being down right beautiful on the inside,  but was still just as plain (ugly) as this one on the outside. In fact I’m pretty certain both trailers were manufactured in the same  era,  they are so similar.

In fact I’ve been wondering if this trailer is some  universal do-over,  seeing as how I lost the first one because the property it was on foreclosed & I couldn’t afford the 6 grand to move it.

Our past doesn’t define us, but does provide lessons on what works & what doesn’t.  Don’t live in the past,  just use it as a guide for future decisions.

For instance,  if the friend with the trailer didn’t already own her land,  I’d  have  been much less likely to say yes to this endeavor. Since her land is paid for its less risky this time around.  Also, not having to pay for  the trailer means more resources available for rebuild, which means even the exterior will be re-done.

I’ve done  everything needed for  this rebuild in the past, but in small snippets. This time is large scale,  everything at once. Pace yourself!

Just need to maintain my sanity for as long as it takes. … Cross your fingers for me/us!