Tag Archives: lessons

Pain+Endorphins=Stupidity

So my dad has been gone for a week now. There is much relief on the stress front there.

I also talked to the acupuncturist and she helped me see another adjustment needing to happen with my supplement regimen. That took a couple days to take effect, but it has also helped with stress reduction.

Then on Thursday, the supplement adjustment had not started to shift yet, and I had a heavy day of massage work. It was my second heavy day in a row, and my next to last client that day was my heaviest work to be had.

That client is a 6’5″ 350-ish pound guy. Tall and stocky, and his left leg had locked up weeks ago. I’ve been slowly chipping at loosening his pelvic girdle for 2 months now and feel like I’m chipping at a brick wall. His quads have shrunk, hamstrings are weak and spasm, and his TFL, obturator muscles, and piraformis are solid inflexible masses. It’s a difficult combination on a small person, let alone a big guy- I know because it is a fairly common combination.

So, I literally stand or kneel on his hip as I’m able. The one side of my table I can hold onto the window frame to balance myself to accomplish that. However, the other side of my table has nothing stable enough within reach to stand on him. So when I turn him over the only safe option is my elbow.

I had it in my mind, that like my own mess, I should have accomplished more for him by now. I was determined to make more progress.

I wailed on him and felt like I didn’t even dent anything. Finally, I was trying to stretch his TFL out and had his knee raised. I was pushing his raised left knee towards his right knee with my left hand, while putting as much of my full body weight as possible into my right elbow perched on his TFL. There was only an inch or two of movement, paultry results.

I decided to try and up the pressure on both ends of the stretch and pushed with all my might, engaging my core to really focus the directional force. 3 seconds into the push I felt a very uncomfortable crunch at the front of my right shoulder. Ouch.

My time was almost up with the session, so I lowered his knee and proceeded to finish working, just using my left elbow to my best ability.

Afterwards, I put Biofreeze on my shoulder immediately and proceeded to impale it on the one hand rail just outside my office. I winced and the office manager noticed. She kept saying I needed to utilize others available in the office, finally telling me to go get the one chiropractor. He has more soft tissue experience and she was confident he could help.

When I got his attention he asked what I wanted him to do. At that point I was definitely in pain and endorphins were kicking in. I said “I don’t fucking know, we both have clients in 5 minutes and it hurts. I just need to finish my day.”

He said he would do some soft tissue and told me to lie face up. I started to position myself and realized my normal way to do that involved the hurt shoulder, so I sort of fell onto the table, at which point he and the office manager teased me for being a bull in a china shop.

As he worked on my arm there was a steady stream of explatives. He tested strength to make sure I hadn’t fully torn anything. Then he checked attachments and positions to glean that I had injured my right bicep, and irritated my pectorals. Inflammation was already significant and as he worked it only got worse, it’s the normal side effect of working on impacted muscles. Inflammation aside, my response was cussing and more cussing with apologies sprinkled about.

I did my last massage that day while wearing an ice pack. Friday was lighter, but I again worked under ice, and both he and the acupuncturist worked on my arm in-between clients.

At home, I iced and soaked in Epsom salts. Friday evening I did cups- Everywhere! See:

This is after receiving a 90 min deep tissue about a week and half prior, and my husband working on my shoulders 4 days prior.

Needless to say even though I can handle the heavy load of the last two months, it pisses my muscles off in a big way.

I suspect I will need 2 more salt baths and another round of cups before I am able to return to normal functionality with my right shoulder.

I have also learned a valuable lesson.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how strong you are, some things will still be outside of your abilities. I was trying to be the miracle for someone that let something get too far out of control. Even the chiropractor reminded me that the guy is a mess, his phrase to help me feel better was “he’s even much for me, it’s like 2 bears wrestling in the forest”. I understood that there was no expectation that I could solve it quickly, and perhaps even at all. I need to be more mindful of my own limitations and not push myself so damn hard.

It’s a hard lesson when you grew up knowing you were never good enough, that no matter how hard you tried your father wanted better, different, stronger, smarter. I’m obviously still working on kicking my dad out of my head. And this physical experience was reminder that the biggest most important thing is to heal the emotional damage of my childhood that keeps creating these situations.

My trying harder is simply not the answer. If something is beyond my control or outside my abilities there is nothing I can do to change that.

My client likely needs manipulation under anesthesia or even full surgery to correct the level of damage present. but I can not make that decision for him. I can only do my best, without injuring myself, to help for now. Then make suggestions for other options moving forward. So next time I see him, I will go easier on myself and just do as much as is possible.

As for my own abilities, I am pretty damn strong. To push with all my might, every muscle in my body working, and only strain my bicep is huge. Others might have really seriously injured themselves. As it is, I’ll be fully healed in a couple of weeks and even stronger than before. This was merely a reminder to give myself a break and back off a little.

It was also a reminder that I work with good people that really do care about me as a person. They were genuinely concerned about my welfare and helping me correct and make it through. They continue to be concerned that the healing process is progressing properly. That is exactly the kind of clinic I have always wanted. It makes me hope that one day soon I’ll be able to help build the clinic even more in other ways. Only time will tell if my thoughts and daydreaming on that subject will matter.

For now I am going to do exactly what the good doctor ordered. Back off on the schedule and take care of myself so it’s days instead of weeks of healing. I’m keeping ice on it as much as possible, and he said by tomorrow it should be safe to incorporate some heat. More cups and epsom salts as necessary. At this point the constant pain has subsided and I only feel it burn after use, which is totally normal. I will be healed quickly if I stay on top of my homework.

May you have gentle reminders for self care and going easy on yourself. May you always know your limits and keep yourself safe. May you heal quickly when your limits are tested. May you heal your emotional traumas so that your life gets easier and easier. May you know your worth and that others value you. May you see that others care and support you even when you have stupid moments. May you know that you are valuable and that God wants the best for you. May you find ways to express your gratitude for those that help you. May you know exactly how to repay kindness received. May you have more good days than bad and may all your lessons be gentle. May you know you are loved and supported by God and those in your life.

Siva Hir Su

Corn-ey with messages?

Last night I accidentally ate some corn, now today I’m hurting a bit, but the weird stuff continues.

Nathan wanted Indian food, and picked Goddavari which is South Indian. I love Indian food, but most of it has all my allergens, so I went in prepared having taken an extra dose of benadryl.

My favorite dish is Saag/Palak Paneer so I ordered that. Of course, I stupidly made a comment about not understanding why paneer is always paneer in all the dialects, but the blend of greens changes from Saag to Palak. Moments later I thought of our own ridiculous regionalities like Soda vs Coke vs Pepsi, all essentially being used to convey a carbonated beverage. It made me sigh.

Anyway, Nathan chose Navartan Kurma based on the description not having whole peppers of any kind (that would reduce likelyhood of an asthma response for me).

Our food arrived and as usual we did the sharing of both. As I was eating the Kurma I saw corn. At that point it was too late, so I relagated to enjoying my meal and asked God to help it be gentle on me. Literally my words were “Shiva you come from a land of fire and I need no help with fire”. That made me laugh, and after a moment I said “Thank you for the laugh, but seriously help this be easy on me, and I’ll take more allergy medicine as soon as I can. ”

Considering how much exposure to allergens I had, and knowing there was corn involved, I’m grateful that I’m only a little achey today. I have fared far worse in the past. I have a slightly lighter day, so with anti-inflamatories and lots of fluids I’ll make it through just fine.

……………

So then imagine if you will, me standing naked (maybe don’t imagine that part 😅 ) in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Just then a giant spider literally dropped down beside me on our over the toilet shelves.

It looked like this one:

Yuck! And it was huge, the size of a shooter-marble. Double yuck.

I backed away, toothbrush still in my mouth, I called for Nathan to come kill it. He started laughing at me. He told me that I’m such a strong warrior, right up until a spider gets too close and I turn into a shaking little girl. I punched him in the arm, right after he squashed and flushed the spider. I told him you might be right, but that doesn’t mean you have to mock me.

He said ” By the way, that spider was for you, I’m not the one that has spiders in dreams or anywhere for that matter.” I punched him again. But he’s right, it very much was for me.

The dreams and messages have continued.

Last night’s dream: Nathan got over zealous about a run-down house in searching for someplace to buy. In the dream he literally started cleaning when the real estate agent went to check on the home’s status. When the agent came back she said it had already closed for the cost of the outstanding taxes. Nathan was annoyed, but I ranted at him about the feasability of it in the first place.

I knew that dream was not just about a warning of being overzealous, it was also about how sometimes Nathan and I interact out of habits. We’re literally re-attracting repeat situations because of our inability to believe the other has improved and changed and grown. It made me pause, but I found myself getting riled telling him of the dream. I wanted him to do or say something that would prove he hears me and acknowledges we need to do things differently. We need a reset and I’m not sure how to accomplish that.

Anyway, just before waking this morning I heard a child say “will you keep me safe”. Initially I thought” I’ll keep you as safe as I can and let God do the rest”. Later, I reworded that to “I’ll teach you to let God keep you safe”.

Ultimately, I feel like that might be the spirit of my next child, and this is a redefining moment. This is a be careful what you ask and what you promise type situation.

I know as a parent that despite my best efforts my children will experience hurts. I also know that God heals hurts and can keep us safe from the worst if we allow that connection to guide us. I’ve been doing my best of late to try and teach Ian and Katharine that. It’s very difficult to slow a child down and get them to find their inner guidance, at least it is with my children. Yet, it’s not impossible.

It is my goal that my current children and any others I may have learn to maintain their connection better than I did. Of course, the hardest part in that is relinquishing control when their inner guidance dictates they do something differently than I would. My children are my most difficult mirrors, pushing my paradigm, making me uncomfortable over the simplest of things. I know this, but somehow that knowing doesn’t make the process any easier. I find I often have to step back and just breathe.

May you all find God’s helpful grace in your times of errors. May you all find your inner being and find a way to teach your children to find theirs. May your mirrors come with patience and understanding so you learn your own lessons gently. And may you find your strength even when faced with the thing that makes you feel like a trembling child.

Be well and blessed.

So mote it be. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.