Tag Archives: letting go

KMA to no one in particular.

These are all the real things that no one wants to hear, but feel spectacular when I acknowledge them.

Go ahead and kill me. We’re all going to end up dead anyway. Every last one of us at some point, it’s inevitable. And I’m not like 99% of the world afraid to die. Hell it’d solve a lot of my problems. I’d never have to work to pay bills again. I’d never have to take responsibility for shit I didn’t cause again. I’d never have to tell people their real problem preventing their own progress, or better yet problems with the systems they buy into. I’d never have to rub on people in futility doing my damnedest to convince them to just fucking relax and let go for once. I’d never have to work and do all the other things too. I’d be free and easy, and I know that is in my vortex. Besides, who fucking wants to stay here anyway? Does anyone actually enjoy life for real? Ever? Everyone and every government wants to spend all day everyday fighting each other and everyone else too, all in a stupid war to see who can convince the most that they are right and powerful. There aren’t fun pleasant things to even talk about anymore, let alone go do without significant discomfort or hassle. It’s covid this, politics that, doctors this, and on and on and on. Everyone missed Thumper’s lesson 40 years ago, a whole lotta not nice going on all the fucking time. So yeah, just fucking kill me and get it over with. I asked for easy, I asked for fun, I asked for better, I reached for all of them, and I’ve got this bullshit that is nothing like what I asked for. Can’t eat anything hardly at all, let alone anything I want. Still fat and ugly, still an assload of problems I can’t fix. Still praying for better daily, still working myself to better vibrations, like this is doing wonders for the way I feel- it feels spectacular. How about I just go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. That’s the death scenario I know is in my vortex. I’m totally fine with that. I’m over fighting. I’m over hearing complaining about everything in the world. I’m over listening to everyone else’s negative ninies, and having no way to release it without repetition. I’m just over it, every bit of it. This world sucks and I’m totally willing to go. Heaping steaming pile of toxic waste sludge from mankind’s careless stupidity. So much toxicity there is nowhere to turn or run to. My organs are trashed from repeat viral infections and medicine has no fix only costly lifetime treatments for symptoms, which I really don’t even care to try and navigate anymore. I’m over it. I’m over lazy doctors and useless treatments. I’m over trying to come up with money I don’t have. I’m good. You’ve trashed my whole family with repeat diseases. Just let us all go. How about tonight in our sleep we all die. End of story. Sleep. No living again. I’m good with that. Hell it’d end at least our 5 portions of Epstein-Barr/Mono and Covid viruses. Hell the whole world should just let go. You want to end Covid, just let it win. Everyone that hasn’t had it will be the only survivors, and *poof*: no Covid ever again. I’m good with that. I’m a willing sacrifice. Go ahead, make my day, end the suffering for once and for all. I’d have no pain, no stiffness, no headaches, no digestive trouble, no diarrhea or constipation, no loss of energy, no fatigue or exhaustion, no brain failures, no discomfort of any kind. I’d feel better than I’ve ever felt before, because there is no health or lack of it, if you no longer have a body. And no disease or resistance is possible once you’re dead, I’d be my full genius self again. There would be nothing to worry about, no place to be at a certain time, no things I’d have to do. Just done. Financially off the hook for all eternity, if everyone died we’d all be debt free instantly, and there would be no credit agencies or big banks anymore. That actually sounds quite wonderful. I like the sound of that, even knowing that you can’t flow money at all once you’re dead, if that were true Nathan’s ex would have used the afterlife to repay the debts and ripples she caused. And go ahead and give the divine mother back her planet. If we’re all gone then she’d have a much easier time fixing all the shit that we have done. We’ve raped and pillaged and plundered and poisoned everything and everyone until disease has touched everything and everyone. There is no one safe, even our land, our waters and our air, have been poisoned beyond human repair. We will all die eventually because man is too stupid to know when he’s done too much. Man is too stupid to know when to stop. Just fucking stop. The divine mother would have a much welcomed relief if we all just died- now. Do you have any idea how many problems would be solved in one fell swoop by all humans being destroyed. Maybe just maybe it’s the best thing that has ever happened. I simply just ask that for my family, we all go at once, easy peasy, no mess to clean up or financial problems, just 5 burials that the state can manage (maybe- I’m not sure any government can manage anything useful or good anymore). And if everyone was gone all the toxins from all the manufacturing would end because there would be no products to make to sell, because there would be no people to sell to. There would be no fossil fuels to consume because the few people left could survive on the turbines already up and running. And housing, there wouldn’t be enough people to sustain mortgage companies, and there would be billions of empty houses. The few people left could just pick where they want to live, end of story. All of the pollution would suddenly cease. It seems like a great plan to me. Solve everything at once, mass genocide. It’s all good. And it’s not like we’d be missing anything anyway. Once your buffet of choices is all just piles of toxic shit, it leaves humans saying “no, I’m good, I don’t need any more suffering”. Once there’s toxic choices to the left, to the right, front and back and center, one decides none of it is worth it. I had a client tell me “Live in Christ, die in Christ.” They were trying to express peace with death. Well there’s not anyone really living in Christ anymore, so we might as well all die in Christ. This is really seeming like a win+win the more I look at it. We’d all be free, we’d all find relief, even the planet would be able to recover eventually. Sign me up, under one condition, the willing (myself included) get the easiest, quickest, most seamless transition.

I really am good with that.

Besides, no one really wants to hear me either God. I know how you feel. Let’s commiserate on the other side: we’d be demiGod and demiGoddess smushing humans together, and letting the Earth heal.

May you find your least resistant thought. May you see the easiest solution as valid, regardless as to what that is. May you know that you deserve more than pain and suffering for a lifetime. May you know that the divine always knows what is best; it is totally okay to release, let go and let God. May you see that your life made an impact even if it was brief. May you know you did your best in this world. May you forgive yourself and all of humanity for our stupidity. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti

“I f-ing hate enlightenment.”

That was the phrase I said to Nathan this morning that made him double over in laughter asking me to write this post.

The reason I said it was because I checked my fasting sugar and it was again at 160. I commented it was probably the chocolates I ate last night because they were cheap ones. I said “I love chocolate, there I said it, I love chocolate, and aren’t we supposed to be loving things!”

Then immediately my brain replayed the last chakra section of the following clip from “The Last Airbender”.

Watch “How To Open Your 7 Chakras As Explained In a Children’s Show” on YouTube

I had played the clip for Ian last night to see if it would help him understand things. And I had followed the clip as a meditation in the process, so I knew exactly what was being conveyed.

It is good to love things, but not so intensely that we cannot let them go for fear of the loss.

And that is precisely what I’m doing with chocolate.

Chocolate is my last food pleasure. It is the only thing left in my ‘I really enjoy this food’ list. I am afraid to lose chocolate and never have any enjoyable food in my experience.

Knowing that, and accomplishing the letting go are two separate and distinct moments. Practice makes perfect, right?!

This one is going to be hard for me. Merh.