Tag Archives: life challenges

Pain+Endorphins=Stupidity

So my dad has been gone for a week now. There is much relief on the stress front there.

I also talked to the acupuncturist and she helped me see another adjustment needing to happen with my supplement regimen. That took a couple days to take effect, but it has also helped with stress reduction.

Then on Thursday, the supplement adjustment had not started to shift yet, and I had a heavy day of massage work. It was my second heavy day in a row, and my next to last client that day was my heaviest work to be had.

That client is a 6’5″ 350-ish pound guy. Tall and stocky, and his left leg had locked up weeks ago. I’ve been slowly chipping at loosening his pelvic girdle for 2 months now and feel like I’m chipping at a brick wall. His quads have shrunk, hamstrings are weak and spasm, and his TFL, obturator muscles, and piraformis are solid inflexible masses. It’s a difficult combination on a small person, let alone a big guy- I know because it is a fairly common combination.

So, I literally stand or kneel on his hip as I’m able. The one side of my table I can hold onto the window frame to balance myself to accomplish that. However, the other side of my table has nothing stable enough within reach to stand on him. So when I turn him over the only safe option is my elbow.

I had it in my mind, that like my own mess, I should have accomplished more for him by now. I was determined to make more progress.

I wailed on him and felt like I didn’t even dent anything. Finally, I was trying to stretch his TFL out and had his knee raised. I was pushing his raised left knee towards his right knee with my left hand, while putting as much of my full body weight as possible into my right elbow perched on his TFL. There was only an inch or two of movement, paultry results.

I decided to try and up the pressure on both ends of the stretch and pushed with all my might, engaging my core to really focus the directional force. 3 seconds into the push I felt a very uncomfortable crunch at the front of my right shoulder. Ouch.

My time was almost up with the session, so I lowered his knee and proceeded to finish working, just using my left elbow to my best ability.

Afterwards, I put Biofreeze on my shoulder immediately and proceeded to impale it on the one hand rail just outside my office. I winced and the office manager noticed. She kept saying I needed to utilize others available in the office, finally telling me to go get the one chiropractor. He has more soft tissue experience and she was confident he could help.

When I got his attention he asked what I wanted him to do. At that point I was definitely in pain and endorphins were kicking in. I said “I don’t fucking know, we both have clients in 5 minutes and it hurts. I just need to finish my day.”

He said he would do some soft tissue and told me to lie face up. I started to position myself and realized my normal way to do that involved the hurt shoulder, so I sort of fell onto the table, at which point he and the office manager teased me for being a bull in a china shop.

As he worked on my arm there was a steady stream of explatives. He tested strength to make sure I hadn’t fully torn anything. Then he checked attachments and positions to glean that I had injured my right bicep, and irritated my pectorals. Inflammation was already significant and as he worked it only got worse, it’s the normal side effect of working on impacted muscles. Inflammation aside, my response was cussing and more cussing with apologies sprinkled about.

I did my last massage that day while wearing an ice pack. Friday was lighter, but I again worked under ice, and both he and the acupuncturist worked on my arm in-between clients.

At home, I iced and soaked in Epsom salts. Friday evening I did cups- Everywhere! See:

This is after receiving a 90 min deep tissue about a week and half prior, and my husband working on my shoulders 4 days prior.

Needless to say even though I can handle the heavy load of the last two months, it pisses my muscles off in a big way.

I suspect I will need 2 more salt baths and another round of cups before I am able to return to normal functionality with my right shoulder.

I have also learned a valuable lesson.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how strong you are, some things will still be outside of your abilities. I was trying to be the miracle for someone that let something get too far out of control. Even the chiropractor reminded me that the guy is a mess, his phrase to help me feel better was “he’s even much for me, it’s like 2 bears wrestling in the forest”. I understood that there was no expectation that I could solve it quickly, and perhaps even at all. I need to be more mindful of my own limitations and not push myself so damn hard.

It’s a hard lesson when you grew up knowing you were never good enough, that no matter how hard you tried your father wanted better, different, stronger, smarter. I’m obviously still working on kicking my dad out of my head. And this physical experience was reminder that the biggest most important thing is to heal the emotional damage of my childhood that keeps creating these situations.

My trying harder is simply not the answer. If something is beyond my control or outside my abilities there is nothing I can do to change that.

My client likely needs manipulation under anesthesia or even full surgery to correct the level of damage present. but I can not make that decision for him. I can only do my best, without injuring myself, to help for now. Then make suggestions for other options moving forward. So next time I see him, I will go easier on myself and just do as much as is possible.

As for my own abilities, I am pretty damn strong. To push with all my might, every muscle in my body working, and only strain my bicep is huge. Others might have really seriously injured themselves. As it is, I’ll be fully healed in a couple of weeks and even stronger than before. This was merely a reminder to give myself a break and back off a little.

It was also a reminder that I work with good people that really do care about me as a person. They were genuinely concerned about my welfare and helping me correct and make it through. They continue to be concerned that the healing process is progressing properly. That is exactly the kind of clinic I have always wanted. It makes me hope that one day soon I’ll be able to help build the clinic even more in other ways. Only time will tell if my thoughts and daydreaming on that subject will matter.

For now I am going to do exactly what the good doctor ordered. Back off on the schedule and take care of myself so it’s days instead of weeks of healing. I’m keeping ice on it as much as possible, and he said by tomorrow it should be safe to incorporate some heat. More cups and epsom salts as necessary. At this point the constant pain has subsided and I only feel it burn after use, which is totally normal. I will be healed quickly if I stay on top of my homework.

May you have gentle reminders for self care and going easy on yourself. May you always know your limits and keep yourself safe. May you heal quickly when your limits are tested. May you heal your emotional traumas so that your life gets easier and easier. May you know your worth and that others value you. May you see that others care and support you even when you have stupid moments. May you know that you are valuable and that God wants the best for you. May you find ways to express your gratitude for those that help you. May you know exactly how to repay kindness received. May you have more good days than bad and may all your lessons be gentle. May you know you are loved and supported by God and those in your life.

Siva Hir Su

I care.

Sometimes too much.

Yesterday, my mom called while I was working. I had just talked to her the night before and I was in the midst of another full day, so I brushed it off and knew I’d call her when I got home.

Just after lunchtime I felt as if someone pulled my power cord out of the wall. I suddenly was just exhausted. I still had 2 massages to go, so I took some Chinese medicine herbs I thought would help me get through.

I dragged myself through the last two appointments and managed to get home. Then I returned mom’s call and that triggered a chain of events that eventually revealed the reason for my sudden exhaustion.

Mom explained that Dad had been in at least one and possibly two accidents the week prior. She said she was told his truck had been taken to a dealer, and they didn’t know if he damaged his SUV or not. He had spent a few hours in the hospital being treated for low blood sugars and high blood pressure. They were not sure how he had gotten home, but the hospital had most definitely discharged him.

For some strange reason I decided to reach out to his pastor friend before trying to call dad. I emailed and received a very quick reply.

The pastor said the one accident they knew about, his Yukon had been totaled and they had given him a ride home from the hospital. They had helped him with errands for a couple days, and then did a shopping trip for him.

When they went to take the purchases to him they called several times trying to let him know they would be by later. They even had another friend try to call him. No one could get an answer. They decided to just swing by and check on him.

When they arrived his lights were off but the door was unlocked. They opened the door and saw him sitting in his recliner, but he would not respond to them. They called 911.

This was yesterday, the same time as when I hit my exhausted wall.

Late last night on a conference call with two of my brothers we shared everything we knew.

There was 2 accidents. The Yukon was totaled out by insurance, or at least pending that process. The truck is AWOL at the moment, but we just found out it had been sitting at the bottom of a pond for several days and a farmer pulled it out with their tractor. Dad is currently being treated for low sugars, high thyroid, high blood pressure, kidney failure and congestive heart failure, as well as being evaluated for the dementia concerns. Yet he was unscathed injury-wise and coherent enough to talk to my older brother on the phone.

I care enough that I have done everything I can from Kansas City. I care enough to let everyone involved know I’m willing to take him in immediately if the doctors don’t want him being alone. My little brother is trying to use his police officer skills to track down his vehicles and make sure they are taken care of. My big brother is staying on top of the hospital. I tried to call dad earlier and he was with the P.A., and they both said they would call me back. It’s been about 4 hours and I’ve heard nothing yet. Merh.

Dad has always been stubborn, disgruntled, angry, bitter even, and often abusive. In fact he is where I learned all of my least desired habits and traits. Two of my brothers refuse to talk to him unless necessary. Yet, despite his lifetime of bad behavior, we’re all concerned about dad being in the hospital after two car accidents due to medical issues.

He’s likely going to lose his ability to drive and if the hospital releases him to go back home alone, it may not be long until he has another episode. Which if there isn’t anyone to check on him often enough could mean death.

Dad has refused all efforts both me and my older brother have made to help him. We’ve suggested things to prepare for end of life concerns, we’ve both even suggested him moving closer to one of us. Now it seems there is likely going to be an uncomfortable push to convince him or demand he move where he can have help, the hospital evaluation will determine a lot of the forcefulness there. If he still refuses, another hospital trip may cause the state to insist on a nursing facility.

All of this is stressful to think about and deal with, but I do, because I love my dad; pig-headed, abusive faults and all.

In the end I just hope he’s either okay and cared for, or that he gets the quick easy solitary exit he seems determined to have.

One moment though, leaves me scratching my head, I haven’t knowingly felt my dad in eons. I haven’t felt his dragging down energy since living with him last, well over 15 years ago. Why on Earth did I get hit so hard with it yesterday, but with no indicator of who it was or what needed done? And how did I know to contact the pastor and not him? I get things psychically all the time, but this was just different and odd. It still doesn’t make much sense to me because there is no way I could have done anything with what I did get. If God was trying to save him through me, it failed even worse than any of my other half correct or misinterpreted messages. It’s just a bit confusing and frustrating.

I’m glad the pastor decided to just show up though. Despite the lifetime of hurts from my childhood, which I have mostly worked through and forgiven, I do still love and care about my father. I’m glad he is being treated and cared for.

May you have helpful intuitive knowing. May you always know who is in trouble and how you can help. May your loved ones be safe and healthy. May you have forgiveness for those that left scars. May you love your family through thick and thin. May your parents respect your desire to help. May you have the answers you seek. May you know you are loved and supported and that God cares about all of us. May you have a strong appreciation for the preciousness of all life and how easily it can end a variety of ways. May you know it is not your time to go yet.

Siva Hir Su

Doubling Down

SO, I had my appointment today. The doctor I originally spoke with has family with medical concerns, apparently long term and so he has minimal office hours. The results, I was assigned to see his PA. I was less than impressed with her.

The conversation that I had with him was nearly night and day from what she wanted to do. I talked to him about an option to get my immune system to subside and she went on a Metformin tangent and completely disregarded the LDN option to help calm immune function. At the end of an hour appointment, I walked away with the knowing that she had taken a similar journey and given up because she couldn’t stick to diet protocols. She called them unrealistic and had decided that living on metformin and thyroid meds was the only “livable option”.

All I can say is, how can anyone in their right mind decide for a patient at 37 years of age, that living on Metformin and Thyroid medicine is the only way to get through life. I could easily live for another 40 to 50 years, and if I decided to choose meds as an indefinite option now, then what will happen when those meds become insufficient in 10 or 20 years. The answer that is more and more frequent for many patients is: higher and higher doses, then when capped out, add other medications and then increase doses of those. Repeat until either death or options run out. That is how I have 80 and 90 year-olds on cocktails of 20 medications, that essentially circle back to the same few problems. And those cocktails always have side effects ranging from wicked dry mouth, to no tear production, to a constant watering of eyes, to muscle spasms, diarrhea, constipation, and major fluid retention. I often wonder with all their side effects why patients ever let doctors pile the meds on, but one after another, after another it happens.

Regardless, of the original doctor’s suggestion, or the PA’s suggestion, the answer was still long term indefinite medication usage. Neither one actually offered a real true solution. Neither of them could offer a path to normal biological function as I was born with. So again I am infuriated with western medicine. All their big claims and no real usable results. I don’t understand how doctors can live with themselves. How can you, day-in and day-out, market yourself as a healer- a health care provider and not actually fix anything. Medications don’t fix things. They mask symptoms at a very nice cost for big pharma, and they claim you as their unwilling victim until the day you die, never ever getting to break free of the vicious dosage cycle. Then to acknowledge that my problems arose after vaccinations I am extra livid. You broke me with something intended to keep me from catching a disease, and now I have problems that you want to solve by medicating me for 40+ years. Cause my problem and then you can’t solve my problem. I don’t think so.

Anyway, I’ll get my sonogram (probably Thursday or Friday as I need to call a seperate office to book that appointment in the morning). Once I have the results of the sonogram, I’ll base full decisions on that. If it is just the nodules and cysts common to thyroid patients, then I’ll move on. If it is deemed tumor or cancerous, I’ll need to look at options closely.

For now, I am assuming that it is the nodules and I am deciding to double down on my protocols.

I had a long conversation with Nathan. I have already discussed with him several times that I needed to get back on the full pregnancy regimen, but this evening it somehow clicked for him. He is now really excited about helping me to have a not-baby of healing. We talked about all the details, and how I need his support with this as much as both real pregnancies. I reminded him of how I need the most help with willpower since there isn’t actually a bun in the oven. He reminded me though of how I am already doing spectacular, that I am already doing way more than the average person. I know this, and even the stupid PA admitted that I am doing way more than most people even could. That doesn’t mean it is enough, and I need to find out what enough is for me.

So we broke it down to remind ourselves:

  • I now know that almonds, chocolate, and chickpeas/garbanzo-beans were culprits causing at least some of the reactions that plagued 3rd trimester of Katherine and have slowed me down the last 6 months. They have now been eliminated.
  • I know that when pregnant it was a must to get 45-60 min of exercise a day. I now know that needs to include at least some running. No more passes on exercise- I must do it everyday, no matter what. Gyms reopening will help with that, but I will take to climbing up an down stairs at home or work if I have to.
  • We know that when I was pregnant I had to eat something every hour to two tops. If I didn’t eat often enough it was nausea and puke city. If I ate too frequently I couldn’t control glucose numbers. So it very much directly affected my metabolism in a huge way.
  • With the eating, it’s very low carb, allergen free, at this point pescatarian, and I must compensate for no baby calories. That means 300 calories less per day than my pregnancy average. Yikes. And in tiny doses.
  • Some nuts are okay as long as I really watch serving size and calories, no walnuts or almonds for the allergy flag.
  • Some vegetables can slow thyroid function, so I can eat them, but need to be conscious of how frequently and quantity. These would mainly be: Kale, Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Cabbage. Spinach is kind of on the fence because its iron levels help process existing thyroid hormones, but it can be similar to kale in the slow the thyroid function.
  • I must make sure to do the anti-inflammatory things I know work: sunshine in the first hour of my day, turmeric, brommelain, exercise, and proper sleep duration and timing.
  • Minimal fruit, with blueberries and apples being most tolerable. Other berries okay in smaller doses. NO oranges/clementines/grapefruit (I have folic acid processing difficulties.)
  • Chia pudding with stevia is still a good filler giving the metabolic benefits of the trigger of eating, but not causing any caloric or sugar effects.
  • Celery and carrots and regular lettuces are great… I pointed out to Nathan: “Do I like it? Do I want it? No to both- Great I can eat all I can stomach!” Sarcasm aside, that seems to be the real equation here with food. If it isn’t something I care to eat a ton of, then I can consume as much as I can convince myself to chew. If I want to binge on it, then I really shouldn’t have any at all. It’s vexing emotionally, exasperating, but at least it is a relatively easy one to follow.
  • I’m going to stick to no meat since it was causing reactions last fall. Only occasional fish/shrimp.
  • Continue with grain free and minimal beans since it seems only green beans and peas are tolerated well.

So, after having gone over all of that with Nathan we went home and put together tomorrow’s food. 2.5 oz nuts, 2.5 oz Peanut Butter. More celery than I care to look at. A whole cucumber sliced up. 2 small salads no toppings. 3 oz of homemade coconut milk “dill dip” and my homemade blueberry vinaigrette. Finally, 1 small apple. Yay rabbit food.

My goal is 9 months of not-pregnancy. Hopefully at the end of that journey will be a much smaller and healed me. I hope that one day I might be able to eat like normal human beings. Not societies’ current standard of normal with all the crap foods and highly processed everything. No real human normal, where grains and beans are okay in small doses, and my immune system lets the occasional lapse slide without reaction. That would be a nice day.

Side note I wish I could find a doctor like this guy (see link) here in KC. That seems an impossibility. https://drhyman.com/blog/2010/07/30/how-to-stop-attacking-yourself-9-steps-to-heal-autoimmune-disease/

May you have an easy road to recovery. May you know real healing is in reach. May you find yourself able to stay away from doctors. May you know your solutions and be able to act upon them. May your body never be damaged by things out of your control. May you find a way to allow god’s healing into your life and your body. May you be safe and secure. May you have effective and finite treatments. May you survive what others can’t. May you know you are doing your best and that it is way better than others even try to do. May you find the solutions you seek and have the best outcomes for any situation.

Siva Hir Su