Tag Archives: life decisions

Expect the unexpected. A warning.

So, my Dad will be coming to stay with me and my family Thursday. Hopefully very short term since he’d rather be with my sister in Arizona.

The phone call to tell him was uncomfortable and I had to be just like him (again), to get him to hear me. At one point I reminded him that over a year ago I tried to suggest legal documents and processes to avoid this situation. His argument was that millions of people die without legal documents in place.

I reminded him that none of those people participate in western medicine before their death. Either they are too isolated or have something sneak up out of nowhere, like a deadly massive heart attack or traumatic accident.

In his case neither applies.

So this leads me to my fair warning for all Americans that have participated in western medicine and don’t wish to be controlled by the medical establishment.

If you have even a remote inkling that your health may one day lead to situations you don’t enjoy the idea of, then you must act preemptively. If you don’t the medical establishment will take over for you.

Please understand: the rules of Western Medicine is currently in the framework of keep someone alive at all costs. My firm opinion is because it makes them a lot of money. This is because at one point in time it was “first do no harm” and patient rights regardless of their decision.

Currently, if you acknowledge your health is failing and the result is that you wish to go off meds and quit eating, allopathic medicine will label you as psychiatric risk and deem you unfit to make your own medical decisions.

That is essentially what my father has created, and it is compounded by evidence of moderate memory loss. They have decided that because of the beginnings of dementia he must not be thinking clearly. Yet I know my father promised me two years ago, that when he was no longer able to care for himself he would take himself out, without a big mess to clean up. I believe he saw the writing on the wall and decided he had reached that time. Only, he failed at his mission and landed in a hospital due to his pastor’s intervention. Having no legal protections in place, he is now only able to exit the hospital under familial care. Hence me going to get him Thursday.

What he would have needed was a DNR (do not resuscitate) order and living will. They would have needed to be hung at/in the entry point of his small RV home, it would have also helped if he wore the medical bracelet with DNR on it. The documents should also be filed with his primary care provider (MD) and anyone listed as power of attorney. If that had been in place the EMT’s would have taken the documents with him in transport to the hospital and he would have been put on short term hospice until his body gave up.

Legal documents are the only way to ensure someone in the medical system retains all of their preferences no matter what.

The living will is where you can break down all of the things you are okay with or not. For example we’re all familiar with the idea that you can refuse life support in coma situations. However, you can get even more detailed than that. In my father’s case he could have stipulated a do not resuscitate order, but with clarification that if dementia was known or suspected that he did not want any medical interventions including medicines. This would have been a good idea because his sister and mother both died with/because of Alzheimer’s.

You can take it even further and stipulate pain relievers only. You can deem ahead of time all of the many limitations to care which might prolong life. Essentially it ties medicine’s hands for keeping you alive when your body is evidently declining. You can declare no blood pressure medications, no diuretics or fluid corrective medications. You can declare no maintenance medications of any kind. You can even declare refusal of feeding tubes or IV treatments.

These would all ensure a quicker decline and exit of this life.

You do have that right, but only if you stipulate it well in advance, in the presence of legal representation and while in certainty of clear and sound mind.

You must draw up legal documents spelling out in very clear certain terms what is ok, what is not okay, how you define decline, and where you personally draw lines. If you want those choices no matter what, then that is the only way to ensure such, in America at the present time.

As far as my dad is concerned, the social worker did say that his memory loss was mild enough that if he had already started legal documents they could be completed. Otherwise at this point he was able to safely set up a power of attorney and deem who was capable of making medical decisions for him. I’m hoping that he did start documents like he says, because a phone call and signature could potentially finish them. If he didn’t, then it will take a bit more effort, and we may be limited as to what can be done. Regardless, as a family we now have a very narrow window to be able to complete any documents that would save us more costly expenses later.

I genuinely want my dad to have the end of life experience he desires, even though it seems like it would be hard.

This is because I have seen too frequently the medicine version, and it is really no less painful. There are so many problems with the keep alive paradigm, that I can see neither option is stellar. I have seen people propped up on a plethora of medications for a wide array of symptoms. It keeps them alive, but often they can not walk, lose the ability to feed themselves, in dementia they quit talking, and many become bed bound. If it were for days or weeks I could see maybe it was better, but it is not. Western Medicine is great at keeping people alive for years past when their body originally aimed at an exit. I have now worked with a dozen residents that were bed bound for over 2 years. That is not living, that is being alive.

I can see the value in not having that end of life story, but without legal documents your chances of the quick exit dwindle drastically, especially if diabetes, heart disease or dementia is in the records. If one or more of those 3 diseases is your plight, then you are more likely to live 5 to 10 years propped up on medications declining at a snail’s pace and spending a vast amount of time wheelchair or bed bound. I don’t want that scenario any more than my father does, and completely understand his current anger and frustrations. I hope he sees I tried to give him a solution a long time ago, and that I am doing my best to get him a close second even now.

May you understand your health or lack thereof. May you set-up protections for yourself with plenty of time to spare and plenty of time to adjust if you change your mind. May you know how you wish to go and how to accomplish that. May we all be blessed with the quick out-of-nowhere exit from our current lives, but only when we’re ready to go. May any declines be speedy and painless. May our rights be respected even when others disagree with them. May we all know we are loved and supported as fully as our allowing enables. May we know that God is doing their best to give us exactly what we desire and need.

Siva Hir Su

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.