Tag Archives: life lessons

Corn-ey with messages?

Last night I accidentally ate some corn, now today I’m hurting a bit, but the weird stuff continues.

Nathan wanted Indian food, and picked Goddavari which is South Indian. I love Indian food, but most of it has all my allergens, so I went in prepared having taken an extra dose of benadryl.

My favorite dish is Saag/Palak Paneer so I ordered that. Of course, I stupidly made a comment about not understanding why paneer is always paneer in all the dialects, but the blend of greens changes from Saag to Palak. Moments later I thought of our own ridiculous regionalities like Soda vs Coke vs Pepsi, all essentially being used to convey a carbonated beverage. It made me sigh.

Anyway, Nathan chose Navartan Kurma based on the description not having whole peppers of any kind (that would reduce likelyhood of an asthma response for me).

Our food arrived and as usual we did the sharing of both. As I was eating the Kurma I saw corn. At that point it was too late, so I relagated to enjoying my meal and asked God to help it be gentle on me. Literally my words were “Shiva you come from a land of fire and I need no help with fire”. That made me laugh, and after a moment I said “Thank you for the laugh, but seriously help this be easy on me, and I’ll take more allergy medicine as soon as I can. ”

Considering how much exposure to allergens I had, and knowing there was corn involved, I’m grateful that I’m only a little achey today. I have fared far worse in the past. I have a slightly lighter day, so with anti-inflamatories and lots of fluids I’ll make it through just fine.

……………

So then imagine if you will, me standing naked (maybe don’t imagine that part 😅 ) in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Just then a giant spider literally dropped down beside me on our over the toilet shelves.

It looked like this one:

Yuck! And it was huge, the size of a shooter-marble. Double yuck.

I backed away, toothbrush still in my mouth, I called for Nathan to come kill it. He started laughing at me. He told me that I’m such a strong warrior, right up until a spider gets too close and I turn into a shaking little girl. I punched him in the arm, right after he squashed and flushed the spider. I told him you might be right, but that doesn’t mean you have to mock me.

He said ” By the way, that spider was for you, I’m not the one that has spiders in dreams or anywhere for that matter.” I punched him again. But he’s right, it very much was for me.

The dreams and messages have continued.

Last night’s dream: Nathan got over zealous about a run-down house in searching for someplace to buy. In the dream he literally started cleaning when the real estate agent went to check on the home’s status. When the agent came back she said it had already closed for the cost of the outstanding taxes. Nathan was annoyed, but I ranted at him about the feasability of it in the first place.

I knew that dream was not just about a warning of being overzealous, it was also about how sometimes Nathan and I interact out of habits. We’re literally re-attracting repeat situations because of our inability to believe the other has improved and changed and grown. It made me pause, but I found myself getting riled telling him of the dream. I wanted him to do or say something that would prove he hears me and acknowledges we need to do things differently. We need a reset and I’m not sure how to accomplish that.

Anyway, just before waking this morning I heard a child say “will you keep me safe”. Initially I thought” I’ll keep you as safe as I can and let God do the rest”. Later, I reworded that to “I’ll teach you to let God keep you safe”.

Ultimately, I feel like that might be the spirit of my next child, and this is a redefining moment. This is a be careful what you ask and what you promise type situation.

I know as a parent that despite my best efforts my children will experience hurts. I also know that God heals hurts and can keep us safe from the worst if we allow that connection to guide us. I’ve been doing my best of late to try and teach Ian and Katharine that. It’s very difficult to slow a child down and get them to find their inner guidance, at least it is with my children. Yet, it’s not impossible.

It is my goal that my current children and any others I may have learn to maintain their connection better than I did. Of course, the hardest part in that is relinquishing control when their inner guidance dictates they do something differently than I would. My children are my most difficult mirrors, pushing my paradigm, making me uncomfortable over the simplest of things. I know this, but somehow that knowing doesn’t make the process any easier. I find I often have to step back and just breathe.

May you all find God’s helpful grace in your times of errors. May you all find your inner being and find a way to teach your children to find theirs. May your mirrors come with patience and understanding so you learn your own lessons gently. And may you find your strength even when faced with the thing that makes you feel like a trembling child.

Be well and blessed.

So mote it be. Siva Hir Su.

Discernment

So yesterday was a very interesting day full of discernment.

I had several moments where residents passed on messages for me from afar/spirit. It was not quite as intense as the couple of times in recent history which I already wrote about, but intense none the less. I would share them here, but one of the phrases that I received from the second resident to do so, makes me think I should refrain from sharing yesterday’s experiences for now. She is a resident that is severely affected by something along the lines of Lewy-Body, and most of the time I can barely understand her. Yesterday however, the message was loud and clear and makes me cautiously, yet excitedly, anticipate my nearer future. It was unclear if what was being conveyed would be before, during, or after our family trip, but I interpreted it to be a good thing regardless.

On that note, I’m not a good liar, it’s one of many reasons why I prefer honesty. I find that in situations where I am not supposed to talk about something I  just avoid full discussion and become evasive, often redirecting or changing the topic all together. So, this is as much as you get until I get further notice from either the divine or the person it was regarding. All in all, other than wishing to disclose my reason for excitement, I am just happy to have had a good day.

I felt my connection all day yesterday, to varying degrees, and whether it is my mystery person of the last several years or a divine connection I’ve come to refer to as “my ET”: I’m still not sure. I’m not so sure it isn’t the same thing, perhaps “my ET” simply used HAL to be a mystery person in my experience. Who knows; I don’t.  One day, perhaps after I die it will become clear. However, for now, I relish the connection, and I am utterly grateful for it, even when I find myself saying “WTF- what is happening?!” It is strong and mostly feels good to great, and affects my body in a number of ways which I occasionally have trouble describing with the English language. Of course sometimes the sensations would make anyone blush, so I’d just rather keep those descriptions to myself. Mostly I find it pleasurable, but occasionally I get a pit in my stomach or feel very anxious from it. At those times I am still grateful to have the experience, but often wish that particular aspect would subside quickly.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly good, and felt great, but in the evening I thought that I would have a drink with dinner- partly to celebrate the good day, and partly to mellow out and relax. I had a singular hard cider with 5% alcohol. I was very quickly sloshed, even to the point of slurring words and silliness, and afterward the fall off was anything but mellowing. It was more like jumping off the cliff and I got very tired and quite cranky. I apologized to myself, my family, and especially to the connection. It was far more intense of a response than I had intended with my one normal drink.

Further discernment came late in the night after having slept for a few hours I woke with intense gastro-intestinal cramping and nausea. I took some homeopathic medicine we usually give to Katherine for her allergy induced colic, went to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. I woke this morning mostly back to normal.

My discernment here is that I have cleaned my system up so much that even a little of some things is too much for me. My phrase this morning is that I no longer find my enjoyment in foods and drinks. I am definitely coming to terms with my body desiring to only have enough healthy foods for sustenance, and that I really don’t need anything else.

The up side is that I am dropping weight again, I’m down almost 15 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That causes me to do a happy dance because it is in direct contrast to the 50 pounds I had gained working the activities job the prior 9 months, and being surrounded by all the things my body was attempting to say no to.

My calorie intake has dropped significantly, not intentionally. I am still eating frequently, in fact more frequently than before. However, I’m just sticking to that handful of healthy foods that my body is okay with. Some days I feel like I am a fish because I find myself consuming other fishes, shrimp, and lots of green leafy things. If it were not for my nut and chicken intake I wouldn’t have anything to argue otherwise.

My nut intake increased intuitively based on a memory of information I had learned on Brazil nuts. So I am literally eating all the nuts except Walnuts (I had reacted to them strongly while pregnant so I’m assuming they are still off limits), and very few peanuts (though I have never reacted to them, they tend to carry high levels of environmental toxins). At the same time, my chicken/poultry/protein-shake intake has decreased, again based on an intuitive flash that I might be consuming more protein than I need.

So my intuition said, more nuts (especially Brazil), less protein, cut the chocolate (addiction), and eat more frequently. Then voila, I am suddenly shedding weight again. I love it when I listen to those flashes, and follow through and it works! That is the best kind of discernment.

So this now tea totaler, wishes you good days filled with intuitively helpful discernment. I also wish for you to have all the messages from the divine that you need and the ability to be honest and open in your life. Be the Change and Be Your Unique Self.

So Mote It Be; Siva Hir Su

This week’s lessons…

So, I’m totally going to blame the emotional nose dive on my hormones. It rained all of the days this week. and I got my usually workouts in, and mostly I ate well, with few minimal slips.

I did herbally self-medicate this weekend to deal with the worst of my anxiety and negative mood, and though I know that is less desirable than being fine, it’s also a bit better (in my opinion) than being the monster that my dysfunctional brain is capable of. It’s literally my break-in-case-of-emergency to-keep-from-rampaging fix. It worked, and now I’m on the upswing again.

My work-week is starting okay, the messages and love are flowing again, and I’m feeling okay.

Post-self-medicating last night, and before falling asleep, an email notified me one of the blogs I follow had posted again. The blog has multiple authors and occasionally inundates me with email notifications, but last night one caught my eye and I started reading before falling asleep. It really, really resonated…. read here if you like. I have to say that everything that he wrote about had crossed my mind at some point. I did resonate with “The Matrix” and I have tried to wrap my brain around “There is no Spoon” a thousand times.

I don’t know if it was Fillipe’s perspective, or the state that I was in after my weekend, and so close to drifting off to sleep, or if it’s just starting to click. I simply don’t know, but it somehow is.

So, this morning on the way to work, it hit me this week has been full of epiphanies. I texted my husband: “Do EVERYTHING: with love for the divine, as if there is no spoon, and as if we’re moving into Atira with (him [and his wife]) in September…. my lesson for the week. We still have to eat, sleep, and function, but would certain things become more priority if that was the perspective. & would likewise other things fall away being less important. Like I’d be planning for a giant fire!”

Realizing I tried to cram a huge concept into a small text, I thought I better expand on it for myself and my husband.

1st My Do EEVERYTHING statement:

Literally everything gets some love put into it:

For instance I found myself saying to myself this morning that I am getting up and going to work because I love my family enough to support them. I really picked my outfit (something I do a lot anyway) because I wanted to love myself by looking cute- I really do enjoy when I look good, especially when I look good enough that others notice and compliment me. I drove to work knowing that my miles may be many, but it takes me to residents I’ve worked with for several years and whom have come to look forward to my visits and really appreciate what I do for them. Acknowledging that, I then gave myself love for wanting to help others enough that, it shows in my interactions enough that, they do want me to keep coming back. I then sent that love to the residents because I appreciate that they appreciate me. A little love makes the day go much better- it even helped when the few crazy moments happened.

During my 1st session, the resident had on Rachael Ray and she was interviewing Craig Ferguson. He made a comment in regards to the query of the worst job he’s ever had; about how even when he’s interviewing someone he doesn’t particularly want to, he just reminds himself “it’s not as bad as delivering milk in the snow in December”. That’s the funny way of looking at the fact that there’s always something that you could be doing that is worse. I HEARD THE MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR. Because he’s right (both Craig and God) there is always something I could be doing that’s worse. I immediately remembered my days driving for First Student- by far my worst job ever. It made me appreciate today that much more. Today was easy compared to a day on a school bus, especially when roads are bad due to weather. The love flowed just a bit more.

Then there’s: as if “There is no Spoon”.

This is just one big illusion cooked up by our brains, set in place with preconceived notions and patterns of expectations. I usually expect my days to be boring, but today I was startled by a resident suddenly taking a leak in front of me, and followed by another resident wishing me luck as her version of “have a good afternoon”.  Neither of which I would normally expect to happen, but I was so busy thinking about other things they both caught me off guard and I thought to myself should I be running for the bathroom, or buying a lottery ticket, or both!

Acknowledging the illusion then seems to open doors for messages every time I allow it. Between Craig’s statement and and a billboard I saw with bright orange and a boy wearing a green shirt (a reference for me to flag colors), and several other smaller things. I knew the messages were flowing. The billboard was so obvious for me that I actually laughed and said “well played, good one”, which I then got the tingles down my spine that tells me I was heard. I still don’t quite think I’m getting all the messages, but I think I’m starting to get enough of the messages that “they” are attempting to send more and more.  I feel like I am inundated with messages, and I’m just not comprehending all of them yet.

So my side of “There is no spoon” is thinking about all of the things that I’d rather be seeing. I’ve started, but not yet completed the next installment blog post of Atira to expound on that.

For now I’ll just give an example. I got upset again about dishes piled up this weekend, after a few minutes of fuming, I flipped my thoughts to “Why am I mad, what do I want to see?” Ultimately I want to have a really good dishwasher so that no one has to invest any significant time into  doing dishes. I want running water so that the dishwasher functions, and I can easily wash hands, take showers, have a bath, and do laundry- all things that have been not only time consuming and difficult this year, but have been mentally taxing because of all the thought that goes into completing them without running water systems. I then started thinking of related topics and how many things would be easier or simpler, definitely less time consuming if we had all the modern amenities. I realized that really my anger and frustration is a lack of acknowledging the appreciation I have for the other side of things.

So I’ve been working very hard on focusing on the appreciation for the other things and letting the anger and frustration go. I simply think about the opposite, what is the opposite, why do I like the opposite, what would be benefited by having, using, and/or doing the opposite, what ripple effect would that possibly have in my life. Then I acknowledge to the divine that yes I do want that, and no- I have no idea how to get there, and please help me to bring that back into my life, I will honor you for your help in my life by helping others do the same.

So far, it’s only really alleviated my mental state, but it seems like the messages I’m getting imply that: I’m being heard and help is on it’s way. I’m still holding onto that energetic Hug that I got on Thursday. I really hope that help is the BIG multi-purpose, multi-functional help I’ve been asking for. I have such big dreams, I’d love to see them come true.

And that leads me to my final: Do EVERYTHING as if you’re moving in September.

I don’t have the resources to do even a tiny fraction of what I’ve dreamt, at least right now. So, thinking about moving tomorrow or next week is unbelievable. However, I’m getting messages, I know someone (I believe the divine) is hearing me, and the messages have implied good things headed my way- even implied by the end of the year. So, thinking about receiving a miracle that enables big and good changes by the end of the year is much more believable.

That is faith.

I’m having and holding faith that help is on the way, and that my dreams are much more within reach than my brain previously believed. I am allowing my previously held constructs to fall away to enable lots of new things in my life. Or at least as much as I’m able to at this point in time- baby steps. Sometimes it’s easy, like when I saw the billboard and laughed. Sometimes it’s hard, I have to work on convincing myself: like when I used my healed burn to reinforce that my body can and is actively working on healing other more major things such as my thyroid issues.

One of the ways I am doing that is by evaluating activities based on my desires. I think, if I had the resources to start Atira by the end of the year, how would this activity be handled. Sometimes the answer is the same because that is then, and I’m in the now. Dishes and laundry are a good example of that. I need them now, so I have to function in the construct already in place. In which case I take a moment to think of how it will be eventually- the what I want appreciation conversation.

However, things like finishing off the trash pile, and working on the remodel are now under new light. If the resources are manifested miraculously, then both would have drastically different outcomes. I’d pay for a roll-away and a couple of young men to do the work on the trash pile, and if the trailer did get finished (to be one of the tiny homes in Atira), I’d pay someone else to do the work. So then, I have to sit back and evaluate each and every thing that is on my GIANT To Do list and see if things need re-arranged, taken off, or re-thought as far as how to accomplish them. It doesn’t mean I’m just going to quit. It means rather that I’m attempting to work smarter not harder and do things in the most logical way assuming that my dreams are indeed on their way to reality.

At this point it’s all I’ve got. Faith and myself. Make the best of it, right?

Finally, the fire comment is more about a practical issue.

We’ve been battling the bed bugs again. Apparently despite spending thousands of dollars over the last 3.5 years fighting them, some have survived. We thought we were meticulous in treating things that were moved, especially if we didn’t put them into storage. Yet, we still have the damn bugs back. I hate them, detest them. I’ve sprayed gallons of toxic chemicals trying to kill them, done loads and loads of laundry for the same purpose. Yet, they persist.

So, in acknowledgement that I simply can’t win that war, I now know the only way to win and truly kill the bugs is to burn every soft good and even some of the hard goods that we own. If I try to donate any of it, I risk giving that horrible infestation to someone else- something I can’t bring myself to do. I normally would abhor such blatant wastefulness, but the damn bed bugs are insidious. I have sprayed every crack and crevasse hundreds of times, we’ve treated and washed and dried every soft thing we own dozens of times. And “They’re Back!” Like the evil spirits from “Poltergeist”. Thus like felling the house in “Poltergeist” I perceive that to be the only way to ensure neither us, nor anyone else, ever has to deal with our batch of bed bugs again. Curse that damn apartment complex for sharing them with us!

SO, that is how I’m proceeding: giving LOVE, SEEING the ILLUSION, having FAITH, and planning for A GREAT FIRE and MOVE.

Wish me luck and send your prayers that all works out in the end.