Tag Archives: life path

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

“If you died tomorrow would you be satisfied?”

I stumbled into an episode of “The Good Doctor” while at work, where that was the sentiment brought up by a young man with a brain tumor.

Everyone that worked on a answer during what I saw of the the show, tried to reach for their answer using things that happened in their lives.

My answer, I’m not sure, and I’m not sure the answer lies in things or events.

I know I’m headed there.

I used to want to take myself out, death would have been welcome relief to the constant emotional misery I was in. After Ian was born I hit maximum density and it was find a solution or find death without satisfaction, worse yet possibly harm my family in the process.

I have worked diligently to improve my emotional state and these days I’m doing much better. Discovering that my emotional state has a biological component, my brain was literally hurting, has helped immensely. I still haven’t found stable consistency though, so I have a ways to go yet.

But is that my answer? Is my answer- no, because I haven’t mastered my emotions yet? I don’t think so, there is more to an overall feeling of satisfaction with life.

I think things and events do play a part, because they are representative of things that help us to feel happiness. So again, I’m on my way there, as I have more things and events to find that happiness in these days, but definitely look forward to more and better.

Yet there is a sliver of unsatisfied in me. Why?

Maybe it’s the yearning for improvement yet to come.

Yet, I think more about leaving behind my husband and kids. I see how hard that might be for them. Something that a depression ridden brain constantly told me was hogwash- they were better off without me, I was a monster. I still have those moments, but they are much fewer and further in between, and usually now I see the truth in my presence being needed.

I also now feel a responsibility to help others find the solutions that I’ve found for myself. Maybe that’s my fate, maybe that’s my purpose in life and if so, I’m not even close to being satisfied. I feel I need to master my process before I can help anyone else do so. Feeling that it’s such an important part of me does make me feel a responsibility to help others, and knowing I’ve not even started makes me feel unsatisfied for sure.

Then there’s my bucket list which hasn’t even been touched beyond listing the things I want to do before I die.

So no, all in all if I died tomorrow I would not feel satisfaction.

But now I question whether that is a bad thing or not. If you are not satisfied, then you have a drive to keep going, keep reaching, keep being. It is a reason to be alive. What if that is the glue that keeps us here. What if being completely satisfied is a universal signal for your own physical demise, what if feeling completely satisfied is the cue for your croaking experience. I’m not saying it is, in fact I’ve got no real clue. I’m just finding that I now have the question- if you’re completely satisfied, what keeps you going? What then becomes your reason for living?

I have no answers for you, only sharing my thoughts, that it may be your food for thought.

I hope really that everyone finds their satisfactory level of unsatisfied. That balance where you are generally in a good acceptable place in life, but eager for more, reaching for more. I think maybe that is the ideal human experience for keeping us living.