Tag Archives: life

Trying to be okay.

I put this song on leaving work today. It is my favorite rendition of the song because it is so epic and has the full orchestral backup. I forgot that I had Spotify on repeat for the playlist I was using for client sessions. Somehow several repeats in, my brain finally acknowledged I had heard it many times, but I didn’t bother to change it. It repeated the entire drive home. It did help me to let go some, and many many tears were shed.

I’m not really okay, but I am doing my best to be okay.

Sunday, my only day off, we went to the Zoo to forget about things for a little while. Katherine pulled the wagon while Ian, Anya and Nathan all rode the ski-lift “Skyfari”. She also tried to kiss and pet the wild kitties through the glass. When the other 3 rejoined us, there was a tussle over who would pull the wagon. Later, I squawked at a penguin after it honked at me, and confused it horribly. It craned it’s head around to look at me as if to say “How do you speak penguin?!” My kids rode the carousel, and we all walked a ton, I had almost 12,000 steps by the time we left the zoo. It was a beautiful day, albeit fairly windy. It was much needed reprieve. There are more pictures to be had, but I can’t get Nathan’s to pull up as usual, so I’ll share a few of the ones I took.

Nathan has a brief extension on dialysis to see if he can reverse kidney function enough to stave off dialysis completely. We have been warned of symptoms necessitating an ER trip. For now he is okay, but I notice all the things that are not as we would prefer. It is frustrating us both.

Our cannabis cards have not been approved yet, and we were warned it could take up to 3 weeks, but I am sincerely hoping that it is sooner. I feel like I am dancing the edge of a mental breakdown, and doing my damndest to stay afloat.

However, thanks to a client and the chiropractors at the clinic, there is a service called “WELLTHY” attempting to help us with things.

They have figured out that we fell through the cracks. Disability took so long to get it to go through, that he will not get a penny of SSDI, he’s too far out from a job that had consistent wages. SSI is also out of the question. I worked my ass off keeping our family afloat and just barely above poverty, so my wages invalidate his ability to draw SSI, a family of 5 has to be under $3,000.00 a month to get anything. The medical bills will not be paid by the government, at least in any way to take them off our plate and get them to quit affecting credit tracking.

“WELLTHY” is helping to make sure that his Medicaid will go through, and is also attempting to find some sort of assistance or grant to eliminate the past medical bills. They are also helping with the paperwork for his student loan. They have also promised to attempt to find medical insurance for me at a rate I can afford (not holding my breath on that one). Finally, they suggested they might be able to make a connection for childcare via charitable organizations. I am hoping it all works out.

As for now, my IV treatment is still out of reach. So even if it would help us all heal, it is not in the cards for the moment. There’s not really enough for one person to get treated with it, let alone our whole family.

I have used our stimulus check to pay bills, and we’re working on getting the mostly dead tree removed from our backyard to help reduce the insects trying to invade our home. Then we will treat for insects to ensure our home stays safe. It is vital at this point that my home stay safe, it’s all I’ve got to show for 11 years of working myself constantly. It’s also a sad reminder that I am still drastically further from my dreams than I would have hoped all my efforts would have amounted to. If I had accomplished even half of what I wanted to by now, we would be in my wonderful concrete dome home that would be nearly impervious to termites and carpenter ants.

BUT, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still meditating every night before bed, and frequently in the middle of the day. I’m still doing my best to stay focused on positive thoughts (it’s really really difficult right now). I’m still exercising as much as I am able to fit in. The mountains of paperwork just seem to get higher and higher, more and more, so some of my gaps I would normally use for exercise have disappeared. Yet I am still managing enough exercise to keep some shred of sanity maintained. At night Nathan and I have taken to playing solfeggio frequencies and binaural tones to help with healing goals. I have even resumed doing EFT tapping to try and release the emotional buildup.

I am giving it my level best efforts. Prayers are always welcomed.

May you have your sanity when you need it. May you know you are supported and cared for. May you know it is going to be all right. May you see everything work out for the best and be just fine.

Om Shanti

Live or Give In.

Sadhguru has been telling people for a long time to do what you love, that it is vital to life. Others have echoed that in different words, and Abraham Hicks’ entire message is essentially that.

Today I had the sense of that dark destructive force trying to drown me, and I was finally able to pull up by focusing on the fact that I was helping people, so much so that I had yet another referral on my table.

I got a clear picture that having slipped into thoughts of unwanted was literally draining my life force. Focusing on my accomplishment enabled me to draw my lifeforce back. It was the gate to giving myself energy to keep going, then I was able to focus on feeling better and more healing.

I went through a moment of anger over the darkness and how dare it do that, but ultimately that is still giving some of my power away- more letting it be taken from me.

I then thought of several in my life struggling to live. Some of them are going through very difficult challenges and have slipped so far that they are physically incapable of doing things they love. Others are doing their best to keep going.

I had a keen sense that if they have already lost the ability to do things they enjoy and love, then it would be easier on them to just give in and let go. It would starve the darkness of their input.

But those of us that can still participate and do things we love, must step up our game.

We almost have to exhaust ourselves doing all the things we enjoy to get through this time period. We are in the middle of a massive shift and the divine is doing it’s best to ensure those of us that live have something to live for. But we have to be equally invested in that change to make it through.

Doing things you enjoy and love, helps life force flow through your body. That life force will not just keep you living, it will also heal you from everything, given a proper chance. It is literally vital to keep reaching and doing everything that brings you positive feelings. If you don’t reach for better enough, IT will eventually drag you under.

I know that I personally want to live, so my focus is renewed and I will simply refuse to keep doing anything that drags me down. I am determined to heal myself and my family.

As for those that have already passed the point of no return, and you can’t participate and do things anymore, I’m sorry. I know it is scary because I’m fighting myself, my husband is fighting too. But if you know you’ve already lost the battle, then at least be kind enough to yourself to let go completely. It will ease your experience and help God to starve the darkness.

Just let go.

May you know for certain which side of the fence you are on. May you be able to reach for better either way. May you have reasons to live and participate in life and may you find all of them extremely revitalizing. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Good dog.

I arrived home early today. A slow day at work meant heading home just after lunchtime. My goal was to finish my taxes. I nearly did, with only 2 things left to complete tomorrow.

While I was working on finishing that, I opened the window for the beautiful weather to filter through. Upper sixties and sunny left my pets wanting sunshine as much as I did.

Buddy sat in the window and Zen alternated between trying to look out around him and trying to hug me. Eventually I gave in and helped Zen up into my lap. It was cute, so I wanted to share pictures.

May you find completing your taxes to be easy even when self-employed or a contractor. May you have ample time to spend enjoying glorious weather this year. May you get to snuggle with your pets regardless of their size. And may you have plenty to be grateful for. Above all, may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do and that any desired healing is full and speedy.

Om Shanti