Tag Archives: life

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

Addicted To Love

This evening with my children was good, great in fact. Once I figured out how to reel in my children’s scream reflex, it went much better.

I was able to sit with Ian and let him use the paint program on the computer. He did his auto-writing again, this time digitally. I understood that was happening, but not what the message was. I only noticed that I knew some of the characters that showed up in his scribbles. There was again hindi and telegu characters, and I am amazed that something I barely understand myself is showing up in his “writing”. Whomever he is connected to asked me very quietly, through his voice, what I was listening to. When I went to respond Ian came back fully and was very confused about what Kaleo was. I explained it was a band name and I didn’t name them, so I wasn’t sure why they were called that.

Later I put our Jason Mraz Pandora station on and danced with both Katherine and Ian. It was much needed connection time. I felt very blessed to be with my children, especially having figured out the magic mix of what they needed to ground and relax with mommy.

It has been a very feel-good mushy evening, and at this point both are working on bedtime rituals.

At one point I found myself thinking about my Indian person because an Ed Sheeran song played that I listened to when I was talking to them. I got an image of them being very angry, and directing it at me. I apologized profusely and started crying quietly. Yet, whomever I was connecting with said they really weren’t mad at me, they were mad at themselves for not being able to come forward and tell the truth. That made me even sadder. Nathan caught me with “the look” on my face, and buddy came running and gave me a head-butt. Nathan told me he always knew something was up when buddy did that, and asked me what was going on. I asked him why I love people so easily and why was he (Nathan) the only one willing to be as honest and affectionate as is humanly possible with me. Why was he the only one that could really show me the love I give so much.  I just don’t understand how 2 people so willing to build family and work toward common goals keep having train wrecks of one sided love. He replied with an I don’t know, but the story isn’t over and maybe they will at some point. He’s so damn optimistic, but sometimes at the least helpful times.

I had a moment where I thought about the divine and how the divine has saved my life with giving me the tools and information to fix my health on several occasions, especially in regards to my depression journey. I was expressing that sentiment to God, that I love God, as much as I love those people that don’t return the love to me. In reply I literally heard- Imagine that you are god and that response is nearly everyone on the planet. I love them all, but very few actually return that love to me.

That made me sad too.

It made me think. Perhaps we all have this love thing all effed up. Perhaps we’re all doing it wrong or have learned the wrong things as showing our love.

I know for me when I think about my love for the divine, I think about all those smaller moments that have accumulated in being able to say that god has saved my life. I think about how the divine literally moves through me when I am working on people in my office. I think about how I know that god force allowed into my body provides me very real healing moments. I think about all the warm fuzzy sensations in my body which I feel when the divine presence is in me. Simply thinking of these things makes me swell with gratitude and I literally feel more love. I naturally turn that love back to the source of it all, that divine presence. It is definitely a very addictive feeling place for me.

I openly admit that I occasionally get the divine flow confused with the mental connection I have with that person, because they both strengthened in my life during the same timeline, and at times can have a similar feeling. Because of that I do sometimes visualize the divine in the same way, to be able to provide a hug or kiss as a sign of my affection. Yet, I know that the feeling place is the most important aspect. That feeling place has no face, has no ability to truly hug or kiss.

It just is.

How does one show love to something that is all around you and within you?

How does one prove to God that your love is genuine?

For me, I tend to think of how I show my love to other people:

I try to notice things they have done. I try to show that I have noticed their effect on our shared environment or good interactions they have with others. I try to give love by giving gifts or giving of myself. I give affection, I support in any way I can. I try to notice the little things about them, their likes, their preferences, their interests. I do my best to be kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving.

What if that is really all God wants?

  • What if God just wants us to notice those people, places and things which the divine has influenced and/or created?
  • What if God wants us to think about the positive effects the divine has had on other people and things?
  • What if God just wants us to notice the positive interactions that people have with each other?
  • What if God wants us to give gifts to him by giving gifts to each other?
  • What if God wants us to give affection by giving affection to each other as often as possible?
  • What if God wants us to notice the little things that the divine accomplishes each and every day?
  • What if loving God really is as simple as being kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving as frequently as humanly possible, even when you are presented with ample excuses not to?

All of these things can be attempted continually, not just on Sundays or when begged by charitable organizations.

That makes me think of the client a week ago. She is one of the beautiful women I had noticed, and I happen to know we share an awful lot of the same challenges. I was simply thinking that she was such a beautiful person that I wished that she knew that, that she could see her beauty instead of all of the challenges. I know I wish that for myself quite frequently.

As I was thinking all of this, that voice I hear more and more often, quietly nagged me to be honest and tell her. I replied I can’t, I’m not supposed to. I was again told to say it, that she needed to hear it. So, I gave in, and in the gentlest way I said the following: “Please don’t take this the wrong way; I’m not sure if you’re having a tough spot, but I am being told you need to hear this. You are a beautiful woman and even though I know you share many challenges like I face, you are amazing and a wonderful person. You really are a beautiful person.” She had replied that she was having a rough spot and did really need to hear that. She thanked me and we both shed a couple of tears. After the massage she gave me a hug.

Something that technically inches toward encroaching on board ethics was exactly what the divine needed me to voice in that moment. I could have held to my excuse and avoided possible ramifications all-together. As it is, I took the gentlest route around it that I could, and she will never know that I briefly contemplated the physical attraction to her. I was able to look past the excuse in that moment and find the happy medium to help pass a message from the divine that she really needed to hear. Those are the moments that I cherish and look forward to. Those are the moments that I am extra grateful for, and honestly hope that God knows I am doing my best to oblige as frequently as possible.

I love knowing that I am helping God to heal and help people, I love feeling God’s presence, and I love being able to pass that feeling on to others. I love knowing that God loves me, even when I have had a life full of less than stellar moments. I am addicted to love, especially God’s love. One day perhaps that will manifest in the family I have so very much desired. Perhaps that one day will be after I die. Regardless, I will continue to do my best to give my love to the divine presence that saved my life and said I could call it Shiva.

Siva Hir Su

Social justice meets Bollywood

I have been following a new blog by  Deeply Shredded and one of his recent posts recommended watching “AArakshan” a Bollywood film.

It has been a long while since I have watched a full length Bollywood film. This was a long one, so it took me 2 days to watch it in 20 min increments, around my work. I had totally forgotten how much like our American made Musicals they are. The musical moments in this film reminded me of the over-the-top numbers of the likes of “Moulin Rouge” or “Chicago”. Very entertaining, though I was aware very quickly that this movie was about far more than entertainment.

It was intended to bring to light social inequalities and it is unclear to me if the events that had occurred in the movie were based on actual historical events or if it was more of a docu-drama more loosely based in reality. Regardless, it does delve into real concerns over the sorely outdated caste system and the plague that it causes on vast populations within India. More specifically it looks at how the lower casts have had to struggle for even the right to basic education.

Their terminology used for a law was Reservation, as in we are reserving these spaces for the lower casts. It directly reminded me of our own Affirmative Action here in the United States and also the Desegregation of schools in the 1950’s and 1960’s, and resulting busing in the 1970’s.

Though my life is not that of a lower cast Indian, I found I could relate on some level. I grew up with a father that could not stand Affirmative Action, because it did nothing for him. He was angry that our family had come to America as indentured servants, yet were not afforded any ‘compensation’ as the blacks were. As a child I could remember him ranting about Affirmative Action and how it was keeping him from getting jobs. Yet he could not see that the major difference for him was that he was a grown white male with a college degree in engineering and a European name. I never understood why he felt that way. I could see that he looked like everyone else he worked with, literally every office he ever worked in was old white men with the random black person or woman.  I could see that regardless of whether Affirmative Action was in place, my father was never in jeopardy of having a job unless it was by his own mis-step or mis-fortune. Essentially, my father had the rights and privileges that those of black skin or female gender did not. (He was equivalent to the upper cast in India, and Blacks/Women the lower cast.)

This movie was making the same point. The upper casts by birth were showered with rights, privileges and resources that lowers casts simply didn’t even have access to. The turning point was when the Principle pointed out that the rich boy with low scores could hardly be compared to the poor child with the same scores, for the rich child had all of the resources needed to learn properly and succeed. If the child with all of the resources was still failing it was simply a reflection of their ability or desire to do well, and that should not allow them to take precedent over the child that managed just as well with nothing and no support.

I really understood when the Principle initially refused to agree with the Reservation law. I understood that he had wished for there to be simple equality where a person’s results were balanced against their resources and assistance. That he wish for no more than for the cast system to be acknowledged as obsolete by everyone, and that both sides could see the other. {BTW I totally agree, I wish all of society functioned that way. I too wish that we could stop labeling and putting factions of our world population down for just their mere existence.}

Alas, as is often the case in this world, the greedy were the privileged. They were the ones with access to the controlling mechanisms and all of the resources, and the idea of others encroaching on that made them react in fear of loss. They simply can’t bear to share anything. The ‘mastermind’ of the movie was intelligent and well connected, and made all of the right moves to make sure everyone was afraid of him. He took the Principle out and took his home and pushed him down as far as he possibly could.

In the end the Principle rebuilt on his own, teaching for free. He was still successful earning the trust of thousands of families. When everything came to a head and the greedy parties threatened to do physical harm and destroy what was rebuilt, a high government official stepped in. She stopped the battle before it was started and gave the principle a new remedial school to continue to run for the free education of the poor casts. He was rewarded as the hero of education.

I must say that I have several thoughts on this matter:

  1. Intelligence is not the only thing you need to earn the respect of a community at large. Intelligence must be accompanied by heart and wisdom. That is why the Principle was the hero, and why the greedy parties were only able to strike fear in the people. The same with money: money is only good if accompanied by heart and wisdom. I am reminded of our own Rockefeller Family especially SR vs JR and the mindset difference between them. Today we can still see this dichotomy play out with examples like Trump vs. Oprah/Paul Newman/Branson/Warren Buffet (the billionaires club being invaluable to good deeds these days).
  2. All humans do deserve an education. That is a basic right, and I am glad that the Principle was able to win the war. Since those rich people wish to separate themselves so badly, let them have their private paid schools and continue to coast through life, while the rest of us do the real work to ensure humanity continues to thrive.
  3. I too wish that this world could finally move past outdated useless ideas and find the ideal of equality. These battles have been raging for centuries and they have yet to solve anything for anyone. I genuinely wish that my generation and those younger than me, can come together for once and for all, and put an end to all of this bullshit. We all have hearts and lungs and flowing blood. We all need to eat and drink, and we should all be able to live in this world with less fear induced by others of our own species.  There is no reason to perpetuate this fucked up idea that any one group is better than or lesser than another. Treat each other as the humans we are. Be Kind damnit!
  4. Finally, you reap what you sow. If you are deceptive, deceitful, greedy and hateful, you are likely to get put in your place by the end of your life. If you genuinely strive to do better, be a better person, and do good in this world, eventually you will find reward of one kind or another. Nathan and I like to refer to that as Universal Law or God Law. Humans can attempt to make rules, laws, regulations to dictate what is good and what is bad, but we are merely attempting to put words and labels on something you just know when you see it. Lets all aim for the positive side of the scale. Be Kind, Be Good, Be Caring, Be Helpful.
    • Be the Change You Wish To See in the World! ~Ghandi

Thank you for reading my rants and rambles. May you all find your light in this world and feel safe and respected. May you all have your basic rights honored and find a way to a prosperous life.

As Above, So Below, So Mote it Be.

Dhanyavadam. Siva Hir Su.

Both

This week has brought variety, I enjoy that. In a way it is my “Both”.

I finished a coloring picture and started a graphite drawing:

I did a few deep tissue massages for the clinic contract.

I did all my usual Elder Care Massage.

I snuggled with kids and cats.

I worked with Tarot/Oracle cards since HAL kept giving me notifications to watch other people do the same thing. There is a running theme that I’ve noticed, and I keep getting the same hand full of readers, even though I’m sure there are hundreds, if not thousands to be had on YouTube. It seems the Divine is giving me messages yet another new way.

I want to be hopeful, but the messages being given just keep reiterating have a little more patience, even though these are topics of several years running. I want to have patience, but still feel strongly it is just “Waiting for Godot”, waiting begets more waiting. Maybe that is just impatience taking, but maybe, just maybe there’s truth in that.

Either way, I ultimately feel like my personal path of least resistance is more of the stance of: I give up, I’ll connect to my ‘ET’ when I can, and assume that my life just is what it is. I may or may not ever have significant relief and if there’s never significant relief I’ll do my best to feel Atira in my heart and know that my family, my kids have that seed in them as well. I’ll make strides where and when I can, and do my personal best to be the change I wish to see in the world.

I will carry my seed of “Both” in my heart till the day I die if I have to. One day this world will relax and allow for greater, but I conceed it may not be in my lifetime. I would love for my energetic cluster that Abraham refers to, to come together and create a real Atira, and show the world it’s not just twins of flame. I know that I’m part of a greater whole, and that intense fire connects several people, but so far I’ve found my husband and 2 others which choose to allow themselves to be bound in ways that prevent our cluster from beginning to assemble. I send them love from afar, but disconnect otherwise because I want to allow myself forward motion. I can’t have my own forward motion if I keep focusing on their bound stuck-ness.

Perhaps I’ll find some of the others and then those two will one day find a way to join the cluster later. Who really knows, that’s why we call this paradox life.

I’ll leave you with a good reminder which I see every week when I use my one assisted living building’s spa.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

“Nobody said it was easy…

No one ever said it would be this hard.” – Coldplay

That’s us.

I’m still waiting to find out if the birth is going to be covered by the insurance I was required to take (per government regulations in December). Insurance that cost me nearly a thousand dollars and my employer over three thousand. By that means alone I think they should have to, being the premium charges are greater than medical services provided to me during eligibility. My birth costs if rejected will be $3200 (that’s about 3 grand less than a hospital birth with no complications), and to-date the insurance has covered $35 of chiropractic and about $200 in labs. I’m still crossing my fingers they cover at least the thousand dollars worth of premiums taken out of my paycheck.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to stay positive, and not having complete success.

I wish life were like college, or school in general. I did great in academics, school was easy. Follow the rules, do your work, and poof you’re done. I Graduated in 4 years with honors, and 2 semesters of double load. I am that person that set/busted test curves and slept through classes to still get A’s.

Life is not that.

What do I mean? It’s a jumbled confusing mess of “wants to’s” vs “have to’s” vs societal dictations vs expectations of/by myself and others.

My baby wants me, just me. Nathan is OK at times, Hannah gets by for a while too, but ultimately, she just wants mommy. All day, and all night, every day.

The problem is, Ian has gotten jealous of her getting all the attention and has started making the same demands, acting out to a very obnoxious and frustrating level.

It’s impossible for me to do the same thing for both children, I must share my time.

Beyond that I’ve been contemplatinging myself, my needs and desires.

Even if I had the luxury of being able to stay home indefinitely, be it working at home or simply retiring due to money plenty, I couldn’t solely devote all of my time to two children. It would drive me insane, my brain requires variety, and lack of variety literally stifles me.

Thus, this month has held the most challenges in just attempting to appease my brain. Too many days inside watching and feeding children has left me stir crazy, but then going out leaves me shaking my head in confusion. I don’t want to spend any more money than necessary to keep savings in case the birth doesn’t get covered, but I still want to have fun. Then I find myself not knowing what fun looks likes anymore. Everything seems like too much work to accommodate two littles and my special diet, & some things just seem plain impossible. I find myself saying I’m not sure what to do, because the old me and the new me (with 2 babies) are 2 different people.

I’ve been attempting to stick to Abraham processes, and my success is still minimal. I work myself up to just fall again. Figuratively and literally.

Figuratively: I have moments where I feel like a naive fool, a wishful idiot, having let myself get hurt. Then I beat myself up for letting it continue to dog me, but have to acknowledge all of the external reminders that contribute to remembering.

I have other moments where I’m overwhelmed with all of the things I’ve yet to finish from before birth, knowing its simply more difficult to get them done when the baby wants to cling to me. I have to stop and acknowledge that I have managed to still accomplish some of them, just not all.

Then I have moments where I panic because it’s time to return to work, and on one hand I want to-finances and variety are needed; but not wanting to on the other-because a large part of me has really been enjoying cuddling with baby and playing with Ian so much.

Those figurative moments have started manifesting literally physically. I’ve fallen 3 times in a little over a week, and I never fall. Previously, my only fall in the last five years was during an attempt at ice skating.

Yet, I’ve fallen tripping over baby’s bouncy seat, luckily I fell sideways and baby didn’t even stir. Then I missed the last 2 steps going downstairs, and fell hard. Baby did notice that one, but was okay more startled and scared than hurt. Hell, that one scared me. I’m still feeling the hurt with several bruises, but it scares me fiercely that I could have really hurt baby. My third fall was on our outdoor swing. It’s one of those bench style with cushions, and I have no idea how, but I hit the ground going to sit on it and knocked the swing off it’s hooks. That after having fallen on the stairs, so baby cried, but again was just startled, as she was snug and safe in the moby.

However, at this point I don’t trust myself, pretty much at all. I’m now to the point that if I have to do something that might cause a fall I either go very slow with baby in a snug sling or I pass baby to someone else. I’ve even stayed upstairs and talked from a distance and tossed things down to avoid going up and down stairs too often. This week has scared me immensely.

So, time to focus, ground, and find some balance.

I want to make my kids happy while still meeting my needs and desires, and meeting necessities of life in a big family. I want enough rest, exercise, and enough variety to keep my brain happy. I want to feel like a productive member of society and be helpful to other humans in need. I want to enjoy my daily activities. I want to feel loved and supported. I want to see my manifestations take shape in wonderful ways. And I acknowledge that the universe knows the solutions for all of these requests and more, so ultimately I want to be in the best receiving mode I can be. I want to allow the divine to assist me with these and all of my requests. My asking is already done.

Relax. Breathe. Believe & Know. Allow. (That’s the hard part!)

3rd Trimester is Kicking My Ass

Well that and life in general. It seems everything has been piling up and I’m beginning to wonder when that improvement I’ve been working so hard to find will actually start manifesting physically. It’s mainly why I’ve not written for over a month, I knew I didn’t have much of anything nice to say and I also was having trouble finding words that would be helpful to anyone.

I’m going to glaze over the life part to get to the something that might be helpful to others.

My birthday party that Nathan and Hannah threw me was great. I got to see and talk to and hang out with people I haven’t seen in ages, and the restaurant they chose made allergy free food for me. It was great. The following day however, I fell off the bottom of the emotional scale. That’s happened a couple of other times of late. I’ve worked too much, slept too little, exercised too little, then when I tried to compensate for the missed exercise, it made matters worse. I missed the sun (and other people), I’ve been stressed to the max, and that’s just the normal stuff. I still haven’t even touched my taxes, and now have an impending deadline. Then Pregnancy threw in an extra curve ball that compounded everything.

Third trimester hit the end of January and problems started with massive hives twice in a row. I immediately thought of my allergies (I originally wrote about here and go into detail here) and acknowledged that I must be hyper hyper sensitive due to 3rd trimester hormones, especially since both bouts were triggered by Thai food. I thought, clean up my diet and all would be well. So much for that….

My midwife has asked me several times if I was ever diagnose with PCOS and I explained that when it was brought up as a possibility it was before HCA/ACA and I was uninsured, so the necessary blood-work and ultrasound were forgone with a “that’s probably your problem” from the doctor. Additionally, later I found the improperly diagnosed thyroid issues, I talked about here (and to a certain extent here).

So, the latest puzzle hitting at the third trimester with the questioning on PCOS from my Midwife got me thinking hard and working effortlessly over the last 2 weeks to find a solution. Yet, sometimes you have to figure it out on your own.

I went back to my most preferred thyroid resource and went digging through the piles of information there. This Page led me realize that I had swung really high on thyroid response and was having many of the symptoms of Hyperthyroid, though not consistently, and fortunately my blood pressure was least affected. I began to wonder how much of my hives was allergies and how much was hyperthyroid. I immediately backed off of anything that was originally intended to help counteract (low) hypothyroid issues. It didn’t immediately fix the anomalous blood sugar spike I was having in the morning in correlation with the racing heart-rate. It also didn’t solve the hives immediately. I continued to itch.

I then questioned some of my choices intended to help with milk supply since that was a trouble area for me with Ian.
My midwife had encouraged me to use progesterone cream because not only was I low on Progesterone in first trimester, but it would help build healthy breast tissue. However, I remembered (and double checked) that progesterone can be used to raise low thyroid function because at one point I used it for that very reason. So I nixed the cream knowing that it would take a week or more to level out and quit altering thyroid function. I also questioned whether or not the 2 supplements I had added right at 3rd trimester were contributing. Mainly because I had added Holy Basil right before the first outbreak of hives, and Goats Rue right before the second outbreak. Both are intended to increase milk production, but it was plausible that the hormone shift induced by the supplements could have contributed to the hyperthyroid swing. So, I decided to nix those as well in hopes that if they played a role, my woes would quickly resolve.

It did begin to help after a couple of days, or so it seemed until I had a couple of more blood sugar spikes. In closely examining my food choices I discovered that I had literally had minuscule amounts of dairy and soy in correlation with the spikes. So, regardless of the severity of the thyroid concerns, I was indeed intensely hyper reactive to my allergies. FRUSTRATING. A double whammy.

So I started looking and found a couple of pages about the play between PCOS, thyroid, and 3rd trimester hormones. Here is one of them.  My frustration then became, OK- I’m not alone with this problem, but this site didn’t give a solution. I know that a regular doctor is going to do 2 things: offer medications, and insist that I not do home birth. However, I have gotten so far without significant issues that I simply couldn’t give up this late in the game. So my quest continued. I looked up things to do for insulin resistance and found this page, which was all things that I had done in the past, and some of them I had been slacking on. Yet another thing to work on.

So for the last week, I’ve done mostly fine, one oops.  However, it has been very, very difficult.

What it looks like:

52 hours of work & some of  every stress reducing technique I know.

SMALL Meals or snacks every 60 to 90 min.

Testing my sugars 8 to 9 times a day to make sure I don’t go too high or too low.

Drinking almost 2 gallons of liquids a day between: water, coconut water, cider-vinegar water, and green tea. Throw in the occasional plain unsweetened almond milk to help not completely hate life.

Daily Supplements Drastically changed: Taking 18 to 20 cinnamon (3-4 of which is right as I wake up), 7 bitter melon (1 at wake up), and 6 to 8 Glucose Optimizer, all for blood sugar control. The upside, the rest of my supplements dropped way off (with the removals for thyroid concerns), down to just my usual amounts of magnesium, fish oil, turmeric, and half of the RDA gummy vits.

MY food menu also drastically changed. So much so, that I cry over it frequently. My safe list is so tiny I’m miserable.:

PLAIN meats, PLAIN nuts, PLAIN veggies, Blueberries (small quantities), Simple salads with literally 2 dressing options (they were the only ones I could find that didn’t have any traces of an allergen), and Real dark chocolate that is low sugar and 100% dairy and soy free (that’s like 3 choices BTW). Garlic, onion, parsley, cilantro, turmeric, and peppercorns seem to be my only safe seasonings. Even a store bought broth based vegetable soup had something in it that I reacted to, and I would have thought it safe based on the looks and conversation with the deli clerk (my guess was maybe traces of either MSG or peppers).

I’m sick of looking at plain everything and it takes me forever to eat a handful of nuts because of my over-exposure. Yet, I’m so close, I must keep trucking.

My biggest hesitation is I told Nathan that after I give birth I’m likely to quit eating. I’m so over food, but according to the one site about PCOS and late pregnancy hormones- it was  implied that if I go off of the diet too soon, I’m likely to end up even worse off. I simply can’t handle that. So, if I get too sick of this protocol by birth, I’m likely to just quit eating and go on an indefinite liquid fast. I really keep hoping that my miracle healing takes place. Beyond that I told Nathan that IF I have any other children, it will be a long, long while away. I need to invest serious time and resources to healing my body before I put myself through this again.

Hopefully I can heal my body enough to reset to at least what I had with Ian, before having another child.

I really wouldn’t even contemplate another child if it weren’t for those damn visions I had with the boy. If he was merely a representative place holder in my visions for someone else, then it explains the inaccuracies, but it means that one more baby is likely in my lifetime. If the visions really were accurate and he’s coming back into my life at some point, then I’ll definitely end up pregnant one more time. Either way, that one more time will not only need to be far, far into the future, but it will also be my last. I can say with certainty that be it damage from things in my life, or genetics, my body was not intended to carry more than 3 children, regardless of how much I might want more. So if I end up with more children it will be by other means. C’est la vie.

Lost in the Game…

That was the most suitable title I could come up with for this post. My week has been a bumper car, jumbled roller coaster, kind of week.

For starters, today marks my 19th straight day of work. I have 8 more days of work to go, finally getting the 6th of February off.  That will mark 27 straight days of work. I haven’t touched my taxes, I need to invoice for this month, and all I want to do is sleep. I’ve mostly hung in though, just going along for the ride.

My few moments that didn’t go so well included: 

1) Battlingsins“: Christians usually want  to condemn polyamory as being sinful because it breaks the implied monogamy rule resulting from the one comandmemt discussed repeatedly in the Bible about adultery, (Genesis, Proverbs, and 23 other locations I’m aware of). However, it should be noted that adultery is an extramarital affair involving lies and deceit, where one person makes all the decisions, often hurting another (usually a husband cheating causing hurt for his wife), and thus taking on sin. My personal belief is its the lieing deceit and resulting hurt that is the cause of the sin.

Polyamory, however, is based upon openness, honesty, and full disclosure to everyone. Families practicing polyamory not only go out of their way to avoid hurts, but when mistakes happen (as us humans always do), the family communicates and does their best to make amends for errors. Forgiveness, communication, and love are vital in maintaining a poly family.

So, then after having that pointed discussion with myself, ending with how can anything based upon love (lots of overwhelming love) be considered sin; I find myself standing in a resident room trying to give a shoulder massage while I was not only shocked and horrified, but my baby was too.

 The resident had one of those crime shows on, a new one, and they were searching for someone that was abducting people. The last person abducted was a pregnant lady ready to give birth, and the cops figure out the criminal was stealing a family, at which point the show flashed to one woman standing over a pregnant woman with a knife, starting to cut the baby out of her belly.

I reacted to the horror with a gasp, the baby reacted violently, kicking me so hard I nearly doubled over in pain. I excused myself immediately and spent the rest of the day apologizing to the baby for having seen that. I kept wishing I could erase the memory that kept playing in my brain, and started repeating “we are safe, god is protecting us, and it was just someone else’s fucked up idea of entertainment”. I couldn’t understand how anyone could find something that gruesome and horrifying to be entertaining. To me that was far more sinful than wanting to love people as family.

 Later that evening after ranting at Nathan about it, he gave me a massage with lots of Reiki which took the bulk of the trauma out of the experience and soothed me and baby into genuinely feeling safe again.

2) Co-worker noncompliance: after many long days of working, I started to hit my wall of tired yesterday. I was pushing through, but every time I saw the aids they were standing around yapping. I was exhausted, but still moving, still doing my job. They weren’t. It really pissed me off, and I ended up venting to 2 other co-workers; one is the lady I have know for years, and she is the building assistant manager. I’m hoping that my infrequent ventings like that are my saving grace and that it isn’t held against me.

3) Unrequited love: still being hung up on the boy has been a reoccurring theme, but the last reason for my not so stellar moments. I spent Wednesday morning crying over him, which my son picked up on and it fueled his argumentativeness with his sister. I argued back and yelled some, then cried some more. I’ve neglected others in my sadness, and spent way too much time in my head. I want to let go, but I’m struggling to do so. My only reprieves are sleep, mantras/spiritual-music, and art. Those are the moments I manage to quiet my mind and release my woes. I then give thanks and conceed that I’m trusting the divine to know what’s best and to work out the details. One such moment was answered by 472ELA which my brain read as “for god to know how” (7 representing divine especially 7 being Shiva in hebrew, and Ela being Telugu for how). I said a quick thank you for the message and just sent a request for more understanding. I simply wish to know why I fell in love with a wonderful someone from half way around the world, who BTW found me, and then to have it just stop and go nowhere. There has to be a reason, and I just can’t figure it out. One day maybe. For now my quest to let go and move on continues.

My days haven’t all been tough though. 

Loves from my husband and kids. 

Acknowledgement of love for my friend and her boys, that if I ever find a good solution they are welcome in my family and home, and I’m already doing my best to be supportive of her current challenges as well.  Sometimes I just wish there were more of me to go around, that or more time.

I’ve had several commutes filled with glorious sunshine this week and I relished every moment of them. 

And financially we’re hanging in. No worse than before, and I’ve managed to cling to enough money to eventually get moved and buy beds. I’ve spent lots of time thinking about how nice it’ll be to have real beds, running water, and a well insulated home again.

With that in mind, our home search is still miserable. Everything is either too expensive for me to consistantly afford, or they are dives that once would have been called slum housing, and even those are expensive for what I’m used to. We looked at a 3 bedroom 2 bath house that was $900 a month plus utilities: there was black mold, broken fencing, really really crappy cheap linoleum in the kitchen that would have torn easily (which I’m sure would have been billed to tennant to replace), ceiling patched with cardboard, and a broken floor air return vent. It was simply no good for the money they were asking. I can’t do that to my family again, so we keep looking, expanding our desired radius from my work each time. 

I just don’t know what to do on that one, but my dear friend has offered her home as a backup for baby birth. I explained not being able to leave for 10 days to avoid the vitamin K injection and she’s totally cool with it, even working out how to get us private bedroom space for that time period. I’m so very appreciative of her, and glad that we have her in our lives. I hope that I can repay her kindness, and keep wishing I could build my giant dome in Colorado for them to have their own rooms. Maybe it’s on its way.

For now:

 I keep trucking, wishing I’d either hear from the boy or have that final hurtful go-away-conversation that would really, really suck, but would force me to give up. Yet I lean toward clinging to hope. Hope that finances will improve, hope that at the same time I’ll have fewer hours to work, hope that a dome home is becoming increasingly possible, hope that my miracle is inbound, and hope that my dreams might possibly become real, hope that I will have a big loving family of/by choice where everyone wants to be there and things just work well together.

Doing my best to focus on and visualize that as much as possible. It hasn’t drowned out all the sadness and woes, but it has helped keep me from sinking in the quick sand of life.

May all of you find your life preservers of thought.

Screaming or Cowbell?

So my weeks have been very busy. I’ve been in constant motion for nearly a month, having only had one day with any notable downtime. It’s not all been working, but a vast majority of it has been.

I’ve made strides to put my puzzle back together. Right now, with the help of wonderful friends; I have diet, supplements, exercise, and sleep mostly worked out and staying together. Also, I am getting a little bit of meaningful social interaction through staying with those good friends (though I sometimes apparently overly worry about being a nuisance and outstaying my welcome), and I feel like I could benefit from more socializing, if only there were a few more hours in my week, The one thing I am still lacking is enough quality light, but with 4.5 out of 6 puzzle pieces, I’m hanging in fairly well. Some Days better than others.

This last week, Tuesday was all about our weekly shopping and errands because between everything else it was the only opportunity. All day with a cranky toddler bouncing stores was difficult, but manageable. One of the stops was a friend’s house where I bestowed helpful gifts to her and she returned the favor by bestowing Nathan with a bunch of photography equipment. It made his day.

Wednesday was the icing on the cake. It was a fit-it-in the best-we-could, trip to visit my parents and brother in Iowa. One which was filled with little Ian being as cranky as he could be; hard for a 3 hour drive. At one point he saw a cow-bell that had been tucked under the seat since last Halloween, over a year ago. After screaming at his sister several times that he wanted it, I said “Just give him the damn cow-bell, it’s cow-bell or screaming, and I’m sick of the screaming.” So then we had several periods of cow-bell filled driving throughout the day, I’m not sure it was the best choice, but still a notch better than screaming.

We had lunch and a couple of hours of visiting with my dad, where upon he bestowed more gifts. I’m very appreciative of them because they were things I’d wanted but not been able to obtain myself. Additionally they represented confirmation of my most recent request for a physical manifestation that things were moving. I needed physical evidence of what I thought I’d been getting through my various messages. Dad’s gifts, and even the photo equipment from our friend, were definitely that, they were things we’d asked for and the universe just plunked them down into our experience. It was nice to have a physical manifestation of our process, and expressing gratitude over that was nice. I look forward to the rest of the journey now that I have some validation of what I’ve been seeing.

After visiting with dad we drove about 40 min further to see my mom and younger brother for dinner at an in-between-spot for everyone. It too was a nice visit. None of my family has the ability to host any of our visits, and we have equal inability to host any one of them visiting, so a few hours in a restaurant is as good as it gets. Yet it was good quality time.

The one thing that left me shaking my head is that both parents very clearly stated they were ready to check out, exit this experience, and croak. The both seemed very intent on making sure that I knew that and that they intended to be as little burden as possible. I found myself asking Nathan on the way home “Why on earth did my parents both tell me that? Isn’t it bad enough that I play energetic-grim-reaper with nursing-home-peeps all the time? Why do they have to express a desire to check out, to me? It’s like they asked me in as close of muggle vocabulary as they have, to help them check out – energetically, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Nathan replied with something like: at least they respect me enough to want to eliminate being a burden, and that they on some level honor and respect my abilities. I suppose, it’s just really strange, and I know I’ll miss them. Despite the strife in our family over the last decade, I will still miss my parents when they are gone. I suppose it just is.

I told God that I respected their choice to want to exit early, swiftly, and gracefully, and asked for divine assistance on that one. I can still send energy their way from afar, but I’d rather leave that one up to the divine. This is one instance where I’m personally not seeing the immediate benefit of someone relaxing into their croaking experience. I’m sure there is one, I just don’t see it, so I question whether or not my abilities would be helpful in this situation. Yet, I’ve told the divine I’ll do whatever is needed of me, and if that means zap my parents with Reiki then that’s what I’ll do. Just waiting on confirmation of that from the divine.

Any-who, beyond that I’ve worked a lot, gotten my bare minimums of exercise, and done my best to increase sleep. I think baby is wanting me to sleep 9 hours a night, but most nights I manage about 8. It means I constantly feel draggy, but functional. No naps, and not nearly enough caffeine to make up the difference. Yet, it is enough that I pulled out of the depression nose-dive I was in for a couple of weeks there.

I still think about my online boy. One of the friends that I have stayed with gave me an interesting perspective on the situation calling him a tantric twin, which is apparently very similar to, but not exactly the same as twin flame. I told her if that’s the case then I, Nathan and him are at least triplets, and being that I’ve had thoughts of another woman in the same energetic vicinity, there could be quadruplets. She laughed and said it’s entirely possible. Regardless she had some helpful thoughts on why I can’t let go of him despite the lack of communication, and offered some suggestions for me to try. The goal at the moment is that I’ve taken easy access off of my phone, and to that end I’ve been doing more guided meditations, mantras, and asking for my dreams to provide guidance. I know my mood is better and I’m more hopeful, than when I was constantly checking in and realizing he wasn’t going to respond.

It also seems like the divine does want something to come of it. I say this because of this:

IMG_20171117_121425_01

For work Thursday morning I went to look up Daily Devotionals for our morning devotional reading, knowing the residents were finding my droning voice unappealing. I literally typed Daily Devotional into the YouTube search bar on the work computer which I’ve never, ever, logged into using my personal information. It’s a generic computer that no-one logs into.  The top 7 results included what you see here. The first 3 were christian devotionals, exactly what I had aimed to find to appease residents. Then 2 were Shiva devotionals, more what I would prefer; but then I noticed one of the 2 was in Telugu. That’s the language I’d started learning just for the online man,  knowing that learning another’s language efficiently expresses how much you care about them. The bottom video on the list was Depeche Mode’s “Devotional” performance. As I listened to the first few minuets of that, I realized they were all songs that I had already associated with him. Additionally this was all after I had already seen visual messages telling me something was up with him.

I was left dumbfounded and questioning what I needed to take away from these experiences. Between my conversation with my friend, and my visual and video messages, I knew the divine was trying to tell me something significant. Yet again I found myself saying WTF? What are you trying to tell me.

Last night I said tell me in my dreams. Tell me about the near future. I dreamt of him, nothing else. I got to hear from him, and see him, and I was super happy about it, but his expression remained stoic. On the way to work I though about it. My conclusion was that it was one of two things, based on having experienced the reactions of others. My first thought was that he was playing the poker face, attempting to cover his true reactions to hide from the ramifications of what his reactions would mean. My second thought was the stoic face of melancholy depression, one that I fought years to learn how to hide behind a false smile. Either way my dream did not really provide any clarity for my messages the days before. I suppose that this is yet another notch on the patiently wait and see.

Regardless, that constant motion in my life continues, and now is no different. Off to find my sofa for the night and crash. A very tired, yet optimistic Treasa, hoping that perhaps the gaps in my understanding will find clarity on this night, both with my parents and with the boy. Regardless I still send love, it’s all I can do for now.

Positive aspects.

Abraham Hicks suggests making lists of positive aspects to help focus on things you want. This is to help clear the mental clutter of unhelpful negative thoughts, fears, and worries. Today I’m feeling very tired, and when I get very tired I tend to slide negative. So in an effort to counter that, I’m going to list positive aspects of my husband and children, at least as I have a chance, here and there. If this takes all day, or even 2 or 3 days, then so be it. At least I know my tired brain will be contemplating good things. Beyond that it will help my body to come into alignment with my new super busy energy needs.

Husband:

  • Kind, caring, and likes to make others happy.
  • Beautiful eyes (really he’s beautiful to me in general)
  • Intelligent
  • Hard working
  • Diligent, does his best to pay attention to details.
  • Thorough, Does his best to make sure things are done well.
  • Very, very supportive.
  • Good father- patient, understanding, helpful, gentle.
  • He knows how to control his anger better than I do, and thus is able to temper disciplinary actions better than I do.
  • In many ways he’s a great teacher.
  • He’s able to let go and take things easily (especially compared to me).
  • He has figured out his own functional mess/ organization needs, and is mostly able to maintain the important elements.
  • He is mindful of others needs.
  • He puts others first (almost to a fault).
  • He finds happiness easily, and allows occasional distractions to help him see beautiful moments. (not so focused that he misses the good stuff).
  • He’s compassionate.
  • He loves and cares for animals.
  • He wants justice and equality for all.
  • He is open and accepting of all walks of life, even when he himself has beliefs that may be contrary to those he’s dealing with. He’s very understanding and can still have healthy conversations with those that do have different views.
  • He supports change, moving toward politically accepted equality, protections for everyone’s rights, and for bettering our country & planet through green energy and alternatives in power/utilities/ construction resources. He has often spoken out, assisted rallies, and donated to many just causes.
  • He has gentle loving  touch, and I really appreciate cuddling with him.
  • He does his best to help me relax and de-stress, and has gotten much better at giving massages over the years.
  • He is mindful of his actions most of the time, and does his best to balance necessary things against those that are desired, when managing his time.
  • He’s soft/cuddly, but strong.
  • He does his best at any given moment to manage his health.
  • He’s working on being mindful of his eating & sleeping habits, and thus is working on improving himself.

    Daughter:

    • Very smart.
    • Considerate of others.
    • Friendly, nice
    • Gentle (most of the time).
    • Interacts with her brother well most of the time.
    • Loves her family & friends.
    • She’s willing to learn, change, and grow. She understands the importance of self-improvement (Nathan says mainly because of me… I don’t know for sure).
    • She loves animals as well and that’s where I see her compassion the most.
    • Loving.
    • Beautiful. I know your kids are always beautiful in a parents eyes, but I’ve been told she is by others as well.
    • Strong.
    • She loves to run (which is more than I can say about myself).
    • Good with horses & cats.
    • She’s getting better at cleaning.
    • She’s learned lots of things on her own, and even more with help.
    • She does her best to help out.
    • She still enjoys playing.
    • She’s getting better at thinking critically- working on seeing the results of her actions.
    • She does her best when doing chores and gradually improves the outcome of her efforts.
    • She now sees the value in honoring shared spaces and doing her part to keep her things in her space.

    Ian:

    • Very, very smart.
    • Super healthy & takes vitamins willingly.
    • Very cute and adorable
    • For a 3 year old he’s already loving & compassionate (those qualities come and go depending on the day, but considering he’s only 3 that’s still great).
    • Very communicative and demonstrative. 
    • Expressive and full of words.
    • Uniquely himself… There are things he’s done since birth, let’s us see the inner him.
    • Connected to source in a big way, pure, positive connection… Regardless of how my  often-disconnected-self perceives him at any given moment.
    • Very strong.
    • Gentle with pets.
    • For being 3, he’s relatively cautious to be safe.
    • He’s also relatively respectful.
    • He’s mastered use of swear words, even when it’s appropriate to use them (totally my fault).
    • He likes being outside, running, and playing.
    • Knows when he’s messed up and his apologies are genuine.

      So for having taken 4 days to complete I feel like this is a short list. Yet, to be fair, I had very small time segments to work on it, and I re-read everything written  each time I went to add something, so that I wouldn’t duplicate myself. So, each time I got a chance I would only have time to add a couple/few items. It’s a good start. I may have time later for an update via computer, so cross your fingers for me.