Tag Archives: live with purpose

The Why of Bad.

I have been contemplating the why of negative emotions this week from a practical standpoint. I am very familiar with Abraham Hicks and others that speak of wanting to focus on positive vibrations to attract more positive things into your life. I am also familiar with Abraham Hicks stating that negative emotions feel negative because they oppose the way your spirit feels about something. These are not new concepts to me, and I have worked with them heavily for several years now. However, I find that it is a good reminder for myself to look at things through these lenses, and anytime I find a good reminder for myself I feel like it would also help others.

So I am going to break down things that have come across my mind lately and reach for the possible whys of the negativity felt. Essentially, what is one thought that feels like it is in closest proximity to what my spirit feels on the subject. I am probably going to use many topics to convey this to cover as many different ideas as possible, but I am going to start with a few close to my heart.

I have been picking up on negative trains of thought floating through my experience. I believe a lot of it was and continues to be triggered by my incessant father’s negativity. Even with his moving to Arizona, I can not seem to completely detach that cord formed at birth. I have merely managed to squeeze it off to a tiny trickle. However, negativity is all around these days and it’s not hard to bump up against negative thoughts. What I am discovering is that when I bump up against a negative thought it seems to give me the negative of whatever is on my mind, so things I generally am okay on, will suddenly become a bothersome thought. That’s why I am choosing to start with my own stuff because it is what is on my mind the most.

My others, just a couple of examples:

I have been contemplating the 3 in my experience a lot because I can feel them as being very active in my heart center again. I will call the person from India and their connected person “the duo”- they are the ones I feel left and right of heart center. Based on my recent reach out, I think I now know who the left is, but may have missed the mark on the right side. The 3rd person is an american man, he holds the position just below heart center- not quite to solar plexus area, so I’ll just refer to him as “Beau”. All 3 have been active for me for quite some time now, but The Duo has been active for over 5 years at this point. Being they still reside in my heart, I know they are significant and will eventually mean something. Generally speaking I accept all 3 as being very significant for me personally and already consider them family due to their seemingly permanent residence in my energetic awareness. Most of the time I feel their emotions (including arousal and negative emotions) or awareness of something I did. I have had a strong knowing for a long time now that all 3 will eventually come around to making some sort of commitment in my life. It is the knowing and the dreams that I keep circling back to as a reminder, because every single thing in my life that had that knowing eventually came true. So really, there is no real doubt in my mind that it will eventually be clear, make sense, and pan out as my knowing has informed me. My only confusion lies in the how and when, and really that is what the journey called life is all about. No need to take the fun out of the journey.

However, there have been those moments of energetic bumper cars that have caught me off guard or set me on brief doubt-tangents. I have so far been able to course correct on every single one, but occasionally it takes me a short bit to realize that is what happened, so I’m not instantaneously correcting yet. Here are some examples:

“Nathan needs to go, you’re mine.” Feels negative, because my inner being knows that Nathan is a very loved fixture in my life, the same as my children, and anyone wanting to be in my life will simply have to accept that. I don’t require a significant other to do anything specific with Nathan, just accept him as part of my family and interact with him as you would any other platonic family member. He is an adult, so basic respect and adult conversation would be necessary, but otherwise go as deep or as superficial as you care to. There is also an element of needing to acknowledge my desire for polyamory. I have been honest about that from the start, and I care about these people, and I know they care about me. So, since we all care and I have been completely honest about my needs, there is no need for anyone to be rejected or eliminated. My paradigm of conscious choice does not need adjusted because someone chose to look outside of an enforced paradigm and found me. If you found what you were seeking, then obviously I am perfectly fine just the way I am.

“You’re focused on the wrong things.” (I actually got that message through a song notification, directly following another called “I’ve been watching you”- a bit creepy especially since I’ve wondered if one of the 3 has someone digitally stalking me or manipulating/hacking my device.) Both concepts feel negative because for one the stalking/hacking thing is a huge red flag for a perp., and for two it seems like someone judging my thoughts, processes, and emotions based on their external input. Assuming that God is just trying to convey their mental space to me and no actual stalking/hacking is happening, I can then just look at the judgments. I may be focusing on the wrong things for them, but I know my predominant emotions these days and know my train is headed towards good mostly. I am gradually building forward momentum on the higher vibration end of the train. I know what I want- ALL the layers, and somehow I know that these 3 people are God’s choice for best fit for things I desire. I look forward to seeing that pan out and for my existing family to blend with them. When I think of the elements I do know for certain I generally feel really good. Even when I think of things I would like in less certain contexts I also feel good. I have gotten really good at stopping negative tangents in relation to these 3 people. I generally feel good about all 3 and the few things I have been hurt over are not life ending, and could readily be corrected with truth and apologies. So feeling negative from being told I’m focused improperly is a really good validation that I am indeed focused properly and thinking about positive things for me personally.

So, yes generally I am looking forward to seeing this part of my journey out, and the bumper car negative thoughts are being handled more and more readily. I am finding more consistent positive thought, and I look forward to my people manifesting positively. I know they are capable of accepting Nathan and I know that they will find their way through their half of this mutual journey just fine.

A couple of examples from current events- I’ll do my best to be more brief:

Fear of Covid, getting sick, getting other sick, etc.- Fear feels bad. Fear is the opposite of what your spirit thinks. Your spirit is not afraid of catching this virus. Your spirit knows you have the ability to heal if you allow it. Your spirit also knows that if you fail in the allowing, that death is merely a new beginning, and though anyone you left behind would be sad, it is not your journey to be consumed by their grief. Either way, it is okay. Additionally, you can not create in another’s experience. If you coughed the virus on 10 people, all 10 could have completely different responses. You spread the virus equally, but their consciousness and their vibrational level was what determined whether they got sick or to what degree. This applies to every aspect of life and your inner being knows it. I wear a mask these days only to soothe people that don’t know this information. I’m not afraid, they really don’t need to be afraid, but I don’t need to make their already fear based mindset worse by challenging them when they are battling an uphill thought battle to begin with. It is easier for me to wear the mask and do my best to soothe their minds and help them find better more productive thoughts. That is being a lightworker.

“Trump is a light-worker/good for humanity” I even got told that someone referred to Trump as a Demigod. I’m sorry, there are many things that Trump is, but none of these apply. Beyond the ludicrosity of calling him a Demi-God, I feel I must ferret out the rest. They feel bad to me because my spirit knows that these statements are just OFF. Here’s the deal, a light-worker is here to not just help themselves, they are here to help humanity progress in massively positive ways. Trump is only out to get what he wants at all costs. He is not doing anything that actively helps humanity. The closest thing to helping humanity is that he IS helping us to see what needs fixed, so like my father he is serving as a valuable bad example. He is teaching us what not to do for certain. In that way he is helping humanity, but there are so many alternatives to his actions that he is most definitely not demonstrating the best choices. Light-workers are supposed to aim at the best choices possible to help the most people. So Trump is failing on both fronts. The only thing that Trump is good at is using the Law of Attraction. He is spectacular at getting what he wants no matter what is going on around him. Because of that I hope he has a massive cardiac event and saves humanity the trouble of trying to over-ride his really really bad decisions while he is still alive. He is a colossal bad example which gives true light-workers a direction to aim. We can use his skills with Law of Attraction, but aim for polar opposite results and actually better the world and improve things for humanity. Trump is merely a learning tool for light-workers to do their best, in the realm of even the negatives have value in clarity. Use the skill, but do this, not that. A powerful lesson is never equivalent to light-work or Demi-God.

In closing:

I had a thought after the Trump trigger-conversation that “the aliens must be fucking with us”. It was a sarcastic statement, but one that made me laugh. So, functioning under the assumption that vibrational alignment and emotion based discernment are a really thing, then the aliens must actually be fucking with us. However, from my perspective that isn’t really a bad thing. It means that if Trump does get completely out of control they will likely step in. In the meantime, it is probably in a effort to help the rest of us somewhat sane humans learn to control our brains for the betterment of humanity. I appreciate that thought immensely. If that really is the end goal, which because it feels so good probably is, then I am totally on board. I will gladly play along with the challenges to heal my brain and body and aim for a better human race. At this point I am no gold medal winner in positive thought correction, but I am getting better and better at it every day. I look forward to the day that I am so focused that I get really good shit really quickly, and unlike Trump my choices have always and will always be aimed at helping as many people as I can. I do wish to help humanity and will go out of my way to manifest things that help more than just myself. I’m off to a slow but steady start and I look forward to more positive momentum.

May you see your thought journey gaining positive momentum. May you reach for helping humanity while you help yourself. May you master overriding the bogus negative-thought bumper-cars. May you be doubt free and focused on positive outcomes. May you see ways to help humanity grow and progress in amazingly positive ways. May you have positive manifestations to validate your progress. May you see your ripple in the world. May you help soothe others’ fears. May you bring light to this dark world. May you see only the best in others and this world.

Siva Hir Su

List of positive aspects.

Abraham has been reminding me to get off of those things that bother me and focus on what I do want and enjoy.

Yet it seems that I may have been reeled back in. When I was considering resignation I’d had a conversation with my manager about how the residents were dieing from inactivity and the virus didn’t matter. They were not being saved from anything, and I did not desire to participate in the fallacy anymore. After I submitted my resignation they countered with adjustments that the building was making to help avoid the decline and asked if I would stay. I countered again with a statement that I could not in good conscience keep reprimanding adults like clueless children, that they are able to make decisions regarding risk and I respect and honor that. We will see if they still want me knowing I will not separate residents that are not doing exactly as dictated by external rules.

For now I will focus on positive aspects of all the things I love and appreciate:

  • I enjoy helping a community that feels like extended family.
  • I am very appreciative that my opinions, observations, and ethics are respected and honored.
  • I enjoy seeing the residents happy and feeling good.
  • I enjoy knowing that the residents are generally enjoying life and their retirement.
  • I enjoy knowing that they are finally finding ways to allow others to be of assistance and allowing God to meet their needs.
  • I enjoy quality conversations with the residents, especially when there is genuine concern and/or connection.
  • I love knowing that the residents do still want to really LIVE and have and make choices. They want free will and a reason to keep co-creating.
  • I really appreciate that most of the residents want to stay healthy and they are beginning to understand that is more than just avoiding disease.
  • I understand that like me they sometimes have mixed desires that seem to cause conflict, but I know it is possible for us all to allow God to find the solution for our “both” moments.
  • I love seeing their smiles and really appreciate that they come out in larger numbers to see me when I’m there.
  • I love the residents and I am very glad that they love me too.
  • I know they want to find the balance where they still enjoy the end of their life with a better knowing they are safe. I know they would rather be joyful than afraid.
  • I know we all know how to reach for better and that they want to. They will find a way to soothe themselves and return to enjoying life. They will find their quality of life again.
  • I appreciate they are wanting to find a way back to joy and enjoyment.
    • “H” will bake for others again.
    • Happy hours will return soon.
    • Bingo and church will find a way to resume safely.
    • “P” will garden and kibitz like always.
    • “B” will stir discussions as usual.
    • “J” will lead Bible study and help everyone soothe their frayed nerves.
    • “M” will light up the lobby with her smiles and chat with everyone that is willing.
  • I love knowing I am wanted and respected.
  • New residents will finally be able to meet their neighbors and make friends.
  • I extremely appreciate that we all now have a new understanding and appreciation for the freedoms we had 3 months ago.
  • I love that people are coming together to protect our freedoms.
  • I love that there are many voices of reason that are finally being acknowledged.
  • I love that people are now grasping a better understanding of what really helps maintain health and knowing that we need reasons to live to stay healthy, virus or not.
  • I am grateful that even within my residents there were those that were not afraid and wanted to stay as active as possible.
    • “N” went for drives every day.
    • Some kept appointments even though it meant staying in their rooms otherwise.
    • “G” went for walks and drives depending on the day.
    • “S” went for runs, and an 86 year old running is to be congratulated every day!!!
    • Many enjoyed patio time, even when the building was instructed to remove patio furniture.
    • Several elected to stay with family during this time.
  • I am grateful that those with more overall health concerns had family or paid caregivers to look after them and help them maintain their buoyancy and keep them from declining too fast. There was someone for them that cared about their overall well being and made sure the whole picture was accounted for. I wished everyone had had that.
  • I am grateful that everyone was safe, staff did become extra cautious with sanitization efforts, and those that needed healthcare did have access to what was needed.
  • I am grateful that the only lives lost were those that were already headed to their final days.
  • I am grateful that there will be more efforts at reversing or slowing the decline of those that suffered from the inactivity.

Also, positive aspect of other points in my life:

  • I enjoy working with those focused on living and enjoying life.
  • I enjoy knowing that there are many people focused on true health and that my efforts are on the right track.
  • I like sharing information on things that promote genuine health.
  • I like finding common ground with those around me.
  • I am super appreciative that there are enough people focused on better that the world is beginning to turn around, especially enough that we may have avoided a collective co-creation of something worse.
  • I am grateful that acute traumas and diseases are treatable and that even when dis-ease causes a problem there are medical tools to help people regain health.
  • I look forward to a day when medicine finds better solutions for non-acute disease in the same way.
  • I am grateful that I made it through all of this mess with minimal inconveniences.
  • I realized today, after being reminded my contract check was available, that I have managed to find a stable vibration of feeling fairly financially secure. I’m no longer so worried about finances that I find myself impatient for payday. I look forward to even more financial improvement.
  • I’m grateful that this disease was not as bad as projected. It was a very powerful learning tool for the future. Perhaps we will learn how to sustainably control disease easier so that future new diseases are no more bothersome than our yearly flu season. I hope we also learn from this and figure out testing and preemeptive actions much more quickly, to act before half the population already had it and got well.
  • I enjoy taking about cool new things that are being discovered and developed, conversations about leading edge thought and adventures.
  • I enjoy seeing my kids having fun and smiling.
  • I love spending time loving on my family, even/especially my furry four legged ones.
  • I have greatly enjoyed working on my wiggly becoming beautiful garden.
  • I love sunshine and sunny weather.
  • I love feeling safe and secure.
  • I love feeling supported.
  • I love being appreciated.
  • I love me and acknowledge more and more often decisions are made because I love myself enough to honor myself and I deserve the easier less painful route.
  • I am grateful that I love myself enough to take care of myself and improve my body because I know it is God’s temple.
  • I love feeling better and better.
  • I love feeling ease and feeling healthy.
  • I am grateful I have the intelligence, strength, perseverance, and divine connection to inspired thought to fix my own health.
  • I love knowing that I have a unique perspective that is grounded. As one of my favorite residents put it: “you are a sensitive soul, but grounded enough to see how things fit, we’ll miss you if you leave”.
  • I love that I love, even when it didn’t work out the way I wanted.
  • I love music, singing, playing piano, even just listening to it.
  • I love art, it lets me easily create beauty to add to this wonderful world.
  • I love mother nature, without our planet we would all die. I enjoy camping and hiking, and just even sitting listening to birds chirp ans thé wind blow.
  • I love flowers and all the pretty things that this world produces. I look forward to my garden blooming and wish I had enough money and space for some of every flower. That would be so beautiful.
  • Even though the squirrels and rabbits keep eating my plants I still think they are cute and I’m glad they exist. I like watching them when they aren’t eating my garden.
  • I love sitting on my porch swing watching kids and birds and pets play and frolic in beautiful weather.
  • I love experiencing all the wonderful parts of our world and look forward to many more wonderful adventures in my life.
  • I love knowing I am having a positive impact on the world and that my thoughts, words and deeds have a ripple effect that helps people I don’t even know.
  • I appreciate that my human-ness is perfectly wonderful to God, flaws and all.
  • I am glad that my good moments now outweigh my past no so good moments.
  • I am grateful that I am able to honor myself more and more, that I see more strengths than weaknesses, that I am seeing improvement in many ways, that I am becoming a better person.

May you have rampages of appreciation. May you see your own value enough to honor yourself. May you find enjoyment in life, more often than not. May you love yourself and the universe. May you love mother nature and find ways to appreciate and support our connection with the Earth. May you find your moments of joy and your love of others. May you see all the positives and ignore all of the negatives. May you feel and foster your connection to the divine. “May the force be with you.”

Siva Hir Su

I’ll leave you with some pictures of my beautiful gardens and family.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.