Tag Archives: LoA

Temple mockup

I started this forever ago. I think I’m satisfied with the current state as done. I’m wavering on adding more color, but I think the message of LGBTQ support might get lost.

The shape you see has the following elements. The main gathering space is where the meditation message is. All the little bubbles with symbols of multiple faiths represent the side chapels for each faith, having small scale set-ups of what their respective faith would use for services. The 2 side domes would be administrative spaces for volunteers, corrdination of community services, and food bank.

It’s the heart and soul of Atira. The reason for everything else.

May you have dreams. May you see your dreams begin to take shape. May you know that all is well. May you know you are on the right track. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

* I could have done this on the computer in half the time, and with better alignment and spacing, and more even text. Yet I chose to do it by hand because it let me focus on the message longer.



Even when
As specific

Can be

A result
Of the
The receiver
Is on

A misalignment
Message given
Message received

Not always
Bad for
Or giver

Are laden
Or alltogether

More care
In My

Care for
My feelings
Care for my
Not just in words
But in alignment

To feel
In MySelf
With My

Will always
Their way

I choose
In my

Of how another
To interact

Or whether
There is

To ensure
My words
Are received

Care to
For certain
That my
Are met
Cared for

Anyone is
Part of it
Or not

Is more

Too much

I became
An object
To be
Fought over
Or ignored

Missed my needs
Did I not
Convey well

Or was I
Blind to


I'd rather
Be alone
Of my past

The bounty
Of my own
Of creation

My alignment

To be lonely
BEing alone
A fuller
More present
To blow
More of

~Treasa Cailleach

I’m forgiving myself for a moment where I thought I made myself clear and didn’t. It caused a cascade of energetic mishaps, which I could barely handle, because my needs were not met after having stated them the best way I knew how. My misalignment caused more misalignment. And I’ve been working circles around attempting to fix all of it, including choosing my words, actions, and environment, much more carefully. I am also hyper focusing on what I know lies in my vortex. I deserve to give myself better.

May you see your vortex and understand how to stay there. May you know your words have meaning beyond technical definition, but that meaning is based upon experiences that the receiver may not share. May you find a way to release when others don’t understand you fully. May you find a knowing that unintended consequences are always a possibility. May you know that when things go sideways, your own responsibility is to accept your own portion of the creation, and make choices based upon that moving forward. May you understand that your own needs should always come before another’s and you can always reach for better next time. May you forgive yourself when your alignment lapses enough to prevent your needs being met. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do and choose.

Om Shanti

Next time.

I am grateful for the time to reconnect to myself. I am grateful for toes in the sand. I am grateful for salt water waves. I am grateful for the sun continuing to shine. I am grateful for birds and beasts and breath taking beauty all around. I am grateful for time to let go and allow better. I am grateful for space and time. I am grateful for good food and good window shopping. I am grateful for exploration. I am grateful for this experience.

Next time:

  • More sun
  • More fun
  • Less responsibility
  • More independence
  • More and bigger money flow
  • Same or better amenities
  • One really nice seafood dinner to savour in silence looking out over the water. The couple of times I’ve gotten to do that, it was amazing.
  • More me, less for others
  • Longer duration
  • Different location
  • More flexibility (usually comes with independence, but never hurts to specify)
  • Better water pressure (in amenities)
  • Better swim-ability (warmer waters, less wind, calmer waves)
  • Kids/spouse to join me (as long as someone else can watch the kids for safety concerns) I prefer the fun parts.
  • More quiet time for me, more alone time.
  • More savoring of everything
  • Explore the coast more
  • See new things, experience new things
  • More of ME… I like me.

I realized on this short trip that I have been manifesting my family and their expectations for so long that I have had a hell of a time stopping that ball. I have slowed the momentum significantly and found more of me. I like me, and I’m very different than they are.

May you have many things to be grateful for. May you find yourself and your inner fire. May you see yourself for who you are and what you deserve. May you find every way possible to allow your own light even when it seems challenging. May you always have reasons for a next time, and know you are allowing better and better, to flow a better next time. May you enjoy more and appreciate every moment. May you see your creations and find ways to open your vortex more. May you find a way to apply your “work-hard” ethics to “think and allow” so that you flow your own self, as well or better than, you flow other’s expectations of you. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti


*image is: mule in progress. I am planning on finishing next week on days off. I will do full progression of start to finish once it is complete.*

So yesterday and today I’ve been mentally kicking God’s ass, and kicking toxic masculinity out of my mind and body.


There’s a little scolding and ‘telling the man what-for’ kind of thoughts, but mostly I’m acknowledging my abilities and creativity in the way of: “I could be doing these things, if you’d have provided the resources, facilities and time to do them, like I always deserved, or even just got out of my fucking way and stopped with the negative mishaps and misdeeds”.

It’s working and I’m feeling really good. So I’m going to milk it for all I can, as many days as possible.

For instance (x3):

1) Did you know I can create a book start to finish?

I know paper making. I know book binding. I know how to write (the 6years of this blog and the nearly thousand posts demonstrate that). I can create art of a variety from digital to hand drawn or painted, and I can turn any image into a print- digital print or manual old-school print of a variety. I know how to do page layout for print media of a variety. I know basic rules about editions and numbering short runs. I know graphic design for text or cover concerns. I know how to self publish small scale with modern machinery (less than 10,000 books scale). I literally know everything except steps for publishing large scale.

I have several ideas for use of these skills, but I’ve envisioned a book of my own poetry combined with my own art. Layouts to combine the two in a very artistic manner. Printed on my own handmade paper (if I ran a hundred books that were less than a hundred pages, then I would have to make roughly a thousand sheets- totally doable). If the print device was a giclĂ©e printer then they would be archival. Hand bound with either leather or fine fabric covers. I would then make a small scale mechanical paperback self-published version. The original handmade series could sell for a couple thousand per book. The small run paperbacks at average price for size/length. It would be quite lucrative and fun. God would just need to supply salary (or already have paid my life necessities off), equipment (professional printer and inks, paper making press and a sundries, cover supplies, all-in-one book press), and about a year of time to do so. It just seems like an amazing fun opportunity, that I’ve never had access to all the elements at the same time, for enough time to accomplish it.

2) Did you know that I know how work with sign and fabric vinyls? Make a sign from start to finish? Make fabric based projects from start to finish?

I have an idea for an installation piece that would be essentially the same thing as the banners businesses use for marketing. I’ve made them for other businesses, but it requires machines I don’t currently have access to (and never really did for personal use). I again want to use my poems and graphic design skills to create body sized interactive images. For instance words in the shape of a body outline, so that when you step in front of them, you become part of the image. If it was setup with mirrors, the person in the outline could experience the fullness of that moment, or it could be staged as a selfie experience. Variations on that theme could be reinterpreted by artists for years to come.

Yet again, I have yet to receive the equipment, space, time or resources to accomplish this really interesting project. Just another inspiration God stirred with no way to accomplish it. I’d much rather be doing some of these large scale artistic endeavors than collecting more inflammation pummeling people into relaxation. I’d rather be being creative than doing energy work for individuals, see energy work only helps that one person for as long as they allow, but the creative endeavors will touch people for as many years as they are utilized and displayed. I think of Alex Grey’s works and many other classical artists who touched humanity in positive lasting ways, and would love to do the same.

3) Did you know I can make jewelry of a variety from start to finish? One of a kind works of art that can be worn?

It’s slow, tedious, and materials are definitely a premium cost. But the finished products can be amazing. Did I mention one of a kind? I made a hematite ring for Nathan early in our relationship that now adorns one of our goddess statues. I’ve made broaches, a crown, a torc style chest plate, chainmail and a variety of necklaces and bracelets.

There is a wide array of tools and devices needed to accomplish this, and heat resistant surfaces and spaces. However, enjoyment is equal to any other artistic endeavor I’ve ever tackled.


I learned all the above skills when life was hell bent on working against me in every way possible. I supported myself completely, and still learned all of that and more. I’m certain that my residents that were in the IL building would not be surprised, because they were constantly telling me how amazing I was.

So yes, another kick in the ass to God. Keep inspiring, but all your inspirations are meaningless without the resources and time to do them. I’m willing, are you? It’s a big leap, and takes a miracle, but all the stories, especially in the big book everyone loves so much, say it’s possible. I’m open to receiving that miracle in any way which is quick and easy, and beneficial to more people than just me.

I followed up with a small thought that brought immense good feelings: I have enough money inbound to build and run my own clinic…. and not do it! The sentiment here is that I’m ready to walk away from all I currently have and participate in, as long as what I’m moving towards is grander in it’s impact on humanity, but easier and way more fun for me to accomplish, just after my weeks (or months) of travel.

This is all just food for thought.

What are your unique skills? What things do you know, that are not being utilized as much as you’d like? What is the greater impact that you might have on people if you had resources, or time to do so?

And most importantly, why don’t you know you deserve it now?

If your answer to this last one is because of anything outside of yourself then it is simply crap, a big fat lie- that you believed for whatever reason.

The hardest part is unbelieving the lie, and allowing yourself to believe the truth. It just takes practice and repetition.

For now I use all of these thoughts, plus concepts found in the show “Good Witch” to align myself. I’d love to be “a traveling fool” for a good long while, to then settle just a little, like Cassie Nightengale with businesses for fun enjoyable work.

May you see all of your gifts as valuable. May you know exactly how to change your life. May you see how to get back on course with what you genuinely desire. May you see life is complex and there are layers to everything, sometimes it’s figuring out how the layers fit, and sometimes it is realizing something was not yours and thus never intended to fit. May you always see the lies for what they are, regardless of how they happened, or why you believed them in the first place. May you know how to replace all of them quickly and effectively. Above all may you know that you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

PS : If I were two people (instead of one bisexual) I would say things to myself like this:

Masculine to feminine:

You are beautiful, smart, wise, and sexy. You have so much going for you that it is amazing and nearly unbelievable. That’s why no one ever believed you. You have done everything exactly right and none of the crap you dealt with was your fault. It really is time for you to be honored and recognized for all of your efforts, talents, and skills. I believe you because: I know how damn hard you worked, not just to handle everything you did, but to earn respect when it is rarely given to women. I know how much you studied and learned, even when no one was making you. I know how generous you have been to all those around you. I know how much you have done to improve the already spectacular being you are. You are perfect just the way you are, and now it’s time that you do exactly as you please. Have fun, travel, enjoy this world, and if you want- make something beautiful to share your gifts. I love you.

Feminine to masculine:

Thank you for this gift. I really appreciate your kindness and generosity. I really do need the break and the fun. I always just wanted to be. Be here, be loved, be supported, and know that someone is there for me if I need it. Now that everyone is certain how capable I am, can you help clear the way to make it more enjoyable. It’s interesting learning how to do everythingb and keep up with everyone, but very tiring for a body not intended for that kind of work. I’d very much appreciate the support of clear easy paths, with plenty of rest points to enjoy the sights and sounds of my life, and a steady flow of ideal nourishment and abundant time and financial resources. I’d also appreciate if you could help me see where the rest of my healing can be found, I have managed a really good start, but could use your help because one cannot balance scales alone. I love your support, I love your strength, I love your generosity. I love your kindness, openness, and understanding. I love that you would do anything for me, favoring my desires and protecting me. It feels amazing to be truly loved and supported. Thank you, I love you.

Appropriately Colorful Euphemisms- a good start.

Put up or shut up.

Pot calling the kettle black.

Shit or get off the pot.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

My morning started with dreams, a shower rant, and holding a dieing raptor.

The dream was essentially being told I wasn’t listening and I was doing it all wrong. Maybe it wasn’t a dream maybe it was me loosing to the brain trauma of that sentiment in my repetitive experience. I moved my hands and turned on my Reiki. It helped but did not fix, again.

In the shower I went off about how I have energetically carried everyone my whole life, not even knowing that I was doing it. Their words and actions having an even greater impact me because I felt them on levels our language can’t handle and I had no comprehension for… No one did. I was angry that God didn’t fix it, that nothing I have wanted or enjoyed ever lasted because I would get sucked right back into energetic lead boots. Even worse, was the acknowledgement that my children carry the ripple effects and I’m powerless to fix it.

On my way to work at the 2nd stop sign of my route, there was what I thought was a perigrine laying in the road. Once our vehicle stopped I realized he was still moving. I lept out and picked him up. He was bleeding from his nose, brain truama had definitely occurred. He looked at me and then closed his eyes. Nathan asked where, or if, we could take him for help. I said he wouldn’t make it, there was nothing I could do. I placed him gently in the grass beside the road and got back in the car crying out loud.

I am angry over a lot right now. Traumas I and my brother faced. Diseases we contracted that medical institutions did nothing to solve but pretended to have solutions for. Failures at every turn, often missed by people supposedly educated enough to have God complexes. Angry at myself for allowing the diseases and traumas in, for dragging my family like a whole train of lead carts, for failing to help myself sooner.

I’m angry at the perceived promises and my believing them too long. I’m angry that I didn’t listen to my inner being better and sooner. I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get others to see it and that the same system is doing it again and keeping everyone stressed in the process. That the system itself is dooming us to death sentences, that we are all now ticking time bombs, that no one even registers it’s already begun and the system is set-up to deter real healing because of impacts to profits.

I’m angry that my stumbling through textbooks and the internet has provided answers that help, but still don’t fix it enough to save my life. My best answers were divinely guided, but too slow, too late, to ineffective, and not complete solutions. My connection to God has only slowed everything. At the rate my family is going, and my ability (or lack thereof) to maintain near perfection indefinitely, I might get another couple decades if I’m lucky. If I fail, my life is more likely to end sooner. No miracles have happened, no solutions for any of us, means we are all squarely responsible for our own health however long that may be. So I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get anyone to understand that, and heed warnings which I simply feel in my body and awareness.

The list could go on and on.

But I must stop it.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

I’m not high right now, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as flexible as is ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as slender as I’d like to be, my body feels a bit better the slimmer I get, it’s easier to find balance than in my past, it has helped. I’m not as healthy as ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as smart as I’d like to be, it helps. My intuition isn’t as clear as I would like it be, it has helped more than anything. I like eating everything, but like feeling better more, so I’m doing the best to find the best balance I can.

I can’t fix it, so right now I’m not. I’m not fixing anything. I’m not being there for anyone. I’m not helping anyone see anything. I’m not making a difference or changing the world. I’m not keeping anyone else alive. I’m not dragging anyone with me. I’m not getting my point across. I’m not making anything right. I’m not arguing for anything anymore. I’m not filling others’ roles or expectations anymore. I’m not taking care of anyone else. I’m not repeating myself for anyone. I’m not getting anyone to listen. None of my efforts have worked anyway.

I’m ineffective, misunderstood, misconstrued. I’m intimidating and fear inducing. And none of that is me. No one wants me. No one wants all of me, most everyone only wants one small portion of me. If no one wants all of me, then I want me for me. I’m not mirroring anyone or anything else anymore.

I’m me. What is me? Who is me?

If I really truly drop every iota of that and more, then there’s nothing left but me. Is there any hope left? Is there any kindness left? Is there any healing left? Is it possible, can I just be me for me in wholeness and goodness? Just let go completely and still be alive? I don’t know the answer and I’m scared. Grieving for my family and letting go of everything. Letting go fully is hard when things are going well and energy ties are easy. Grief is hard when it’s only one obstacle. Layers compound everything.

Easy is just breathing. Right now just breathing. Quiet stillness and breathing. It’s a good middle ground that is easy to find. That’s where I will aim. Just quietly breathing and focused on where I sit. It is the closest I can reach for now, for being the fullness of ME, for little ‘ole me. Quietly breathing in this one spot.

May you find your best spot for quiet breathing and know that your best has to be good enough. May you know you will make it through trying times. May you know that being yourself is the best thing you could ever be, and that it doesn’t matter if anyone ever notices, cares, or listens, because God intended you to be just as you are. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Bird Correction: It was a red shouldered hawk, see link:


I’m going to go with between morning lighting and my emotions, the head seemed much more grey in the moment, and belly less red. Still a raptor I couldn’t save. That’s not how I wanted to hold a majestic bird, anyone for that matter. I hate being a harbinger of death, a real life Banshee; death doula makes it sound far too benign. Regardless of the name used, it is my most disturbing talent, which occurs far too frequently for comfort.