Tag Archives: LoA

Appropriately Colorful Euphemisms- a good start.

Put up or shut up.

Pot calling the kettle black.

Shit or get off the pot.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

My morning started with dreams, a shower rant, and holding a dieing raptor.

The dream was essentially being told I wasn’t listening and I was doing it all wrong. Maybe it wasn’t a dream maybe it was me loosing to the brain trauma of that sentiment in my repetitive experience. I moved my hands and turned on my Reiki. It helped but did not fix, again.

In the shower I went off about how I have energetically carried everyone my whole life, not even knowing that I was doing it. Their words and actions having an even greater impact me because I felt them on levels our language can’t handle and I had no comprehension for… No one did. I was angry that God didn’t fix it, that nothing I have wanted or enjoyed ever lasted because I would get sucked right back into energetic lead boots. Even worse, was the acknowledgement that my children carry the ripple effects and I’m powerless to fix it.

On my way to work at the 2nd stop sign of my route, there was what I thought was a perigrine laying in the road. Once our vehicle stopped I realized he was still moving. I lept out and picked him up. He was bleeding from his nose, brain truama had definitely occurred. He looked at me and then closed his eyes. Nathan asked where, or if, we could take him for help. I said he wouldn’t make it, there was nothing I could do. I placed him gently in the grass beside the road and got back in the car crying out loud.

I am angry over a lot right now. Traumas I and my brother faced. Diseases we contracted that medical institutions did nothing to solve but pretended to have solutions for. Failures at every turn, often missed by people supposedly educated enough to have God complexes. Angry at myself for allowing the diseases and traumas in, for dragging my family like a whole train of lead carts, for failing to help myself sooner.

I’m angry at the perceived promises and my believing them too long. I’m angry that I didn’t listen to my inner being better and sooner. I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get others to see it and that the same system is doing it again and keeping everyone stressed in the process. That the system itself is dooming us to death sentences, that we are all now ticking time bombs, that no one even registers it’s already begun and the system is set-up to deter real healing because of impacts to profits.

I’m angry that my stumbling through textbooks and the internet has provided answers that help, but still don’t fix it enough to save my life. My best answers were divinely guided, but too slow, too late, to ineffective, and not complete solutions. My connection to God has only slowed everything. At the rate my family is going, and my ability (or lack thereof) to maintain near perfection indefinitely, I might get another couple decades if I’m lucky. If I fail, my life is more likely to end sooner. No miracles have happened, no solutions for any of us, means we are all squarely responsible for our own health however long that may be. So I’m angry that I’ve been unable to get anyone to understand that, and heed warnings which I simply feel in my body and awareness.

The list could go on and on.

But I must stop it.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

I’m not high right now, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as flexible as is ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as slender as I’d like to be, my body feels a bit better the slimmer I get, it’s easier to find balance than in my past, it has helped. I’m not as healthy as ideal, but would like to be, it helps. I’m not as smart as I’d like to be, it helps. My intuition isn’t as clear as I would like it be, it has helped more than anything. I like eating everything, but like feeling better more, so I’m doing the best to find the best balance I can.

I can’t fix it, so right now I’m not. I’m not fixing anything. I’m not being there for anyone. I’m not helping anyone see anything. I’m not making a difference or changing the world. I’m not keeping anyone else alive. I’m not dragging anyone with me. I’m not getting my point across. I’m not making anything right. I’m not arguing for anything anymore. I’m not filling others’ roles or expectations anymore. I’m not taking care of anyone else. I’m not repeating myself for anyone. I’m not getting anyone to listen. None of my efforts have worked anyway.

I’m ineffective, misunderstood, misconstrued. I’m intimidating and fear inducing. And none of that is me. No one wants me. No one wants all of me, most everyone only wants one small portion of me. If no one wants all of me, then I want me for me. I’m not mirroring anyone or anything else anymore.

I’m me. What is me? Who is me?

If I really truly drop every iota of that and more, then there’s nothing left but me. Is there any hope left? Is there any kindness left? Is there any healing left? Is it possible, can I just be me for me in wholeness and goodness? Just let go completely and still be alive? I don’t know the answer and I’m scared. Grieving for my family and letting go of everything. Letting go fully is hard when things are going well and energy ties are easy. Grief is hard when it’s only one obstacle. Layers compound everything.

Easy is just breathing. Right now just breathing. Quiet stillness and breathing. It’s a good middle ground that is easy to find. That’s where I will aim. Just quietly breathing and focused on where I sit. It is the closest I can reach for now, for being the fullness of ME, for little ‘ole me. Quietly breathing in this one spot.

May you find your best spot for quiet breathing and know that your best has to be good enough. May you know you will make it through trying times. May you know that being yourself is the best thing you could ever be, and that it doesn’t matter if anyone ever notices, cares, or listens, because God intended you to be just as you are. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti


Bird Correction: It was a red shouldered hawk, see link:

https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Red-shouldered_Hawk/photo-gallery

I’m going to go with between morning lighting and my emotions, the head seemed much more grey in the moment, and belly less red. Still a raptor I couldn’t save. That’s not how I wanted to hold a majestic bird, anyone for that matter. I hate being a harbinger of death, a real life Banshee; death doula makes it sound far too benign. Regardless of the name used, it is my most disturbing talent, which occurs far too frequently for comfort.

19 of 27: Your Magic

Believe in yourself
Thoughts take shape
Feelings becoming
Tangible evidence
Dreams emerge
Like figures clearing
Heavy fog
Threatening to envelope
Misty éthers
Of minds' wanderings
Only focused belief
Can overcome
Producing desires' gifts
Solidifying visions
Fantasied tangents
Becoming tactile substance
Enjoyable material
Made real by
Meditative notions
Simply because of
Focused repetition
Your Magic
Landen in
Your mind
Believe in yourself
I do

~ Treasa Cailleach

Today’s Abraham email

I want to be the best that I can be. I want to do and have and live in a way that is in harmony with my idea of the greatest goodness. I want to harmonize physically here in this body with that which I believe to be the best, or the good way, of life. If you will make those statements, and then do not take action unless you feel good, you will always be moving upon the path in harmony with your idea of that which is good.

Excerpted from the book “Money and the Law of Attraction”

Our Love,
Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

Cloud surfing.

I have been feeling the need for some positive focus in a major way. In lieu of my grand dreams of Atira Community, I’d take some more practical Tessering. So I’m going to focus on the paradigm I’d like to be in right now, and aim at it based on my current reality. Essentially, I’m going to focus on what my ideal next step would be. As in from right where I sit right now: what is the best improvement in all areas that is reachable?

My ideal health situation would be: My own personal health, and that of my family, finds balance and is more easily maintainable. The tools to accomplish that would be easily afforded and/or covered by insurance, and would be toxin-free and side-effect-free. I could do the IV nutrient treatments in an affordable or covered way. I could heal organs for myself and my family. We could eat normal foods in normal quantities again. We would all be healthy weight, strong, flexible, and have healthy nutrient levels in our bodies. All of our bodily systems would function easily and seamlessly to provide a sense of overall consistent health. My family would make friends with focusing on meditation and yoga to help maintain their balance. They would find other enjoyable ways to help maintain that balance as well. We would all feel good consistently.

My ideal financial situation would be: The income I have been able to produce consistently these last few years, would come with fewer hours and still be minimal stress levels to help maintain health. A wonderful bonus would be if the wages increased a bit, and was still fewer hours and minimal stress. That would be wonderful because it would help to pay things off sooner, and I might be able to save time for tree sculptures and other activities I’ve been unable to accomplish. It would also help me to provide things that the teen has requested (car insurance for her to drive). It would be an increase of enjoyment along side financial relief and less hands on work. That would be amazing.

My ideal home would be: Enough time to keep regular chores caught up and finish projects started. I still have trim to finish installing in Anya’s room, and the drywall patch needs sanded and re-painted, I’d love to finish those things. There are still a few little silly things that have just never made the priority cut, like one door needs the kick plate installed. A wonderful bonus would be having enough income and/or time to tackle the big projects that have been indefinitely postponed: exterior paint job and addressing window replacements. Our home is beautiful and I love the idea of making it even better, by addressing the few not ideal items. I look forward to being able to do that easily and in a way that fits with schedule needs. It would also enable more contemplation and possibly even action towards things that have been considered to make our yard and kitchen beautiful as well. That would be most excellent. I look forward to moments like that.

My ideal community would be: Open, fully functional, healthy, lighter, and at peace. People would be secure in their beingness and open to others doing the same, regardless of how that manifests. We would all be free to choose and we would all reach for better. People would begin to walk away from arguments on differences, and embrace each other based on common ground. People would reach for things that feel good and look for ways to appreciate each other regardless of uniqueness. There would be even more beautiful plants and trees, and caring for the environment would be evident everywhere I go. Recycling would become even easier to accomplish, and everyone would make efforts to maintain cleanliness in our community and in our world. We would embrace the changing weather patterns and work together to adjust to the changes. We would all work together to find compromises and solutions to all of our challenges in every arena. Bipartisan would become a collective of positive forward motions and change for the better. Acknowledgment of failures would be propulsion towards a collective reaching for alternative solutions. We would all work together for the betterment of mankind and the world. We would all aim for balance with nature and help improve the world in every way for lasting progress, and hopefully increase humanity’s chance of survival for many generations to come (only in balance will humans continue to flourish). Institutions would recognize when they are failing the collective and adjust their actions and motivations to meet the needs of the collective. Governments would do likewise. Both institutions and governments would serve us best by acknowledging that though no action will be perfect for everyone, there are actions that would be a better solution for most, and those would be the actions that bring everyone together again. Institutions and governments would also acknowledge that because no one decision is perfect for everyone, they would enable choice in participation, we would be allowed to maintain our freedoms and our human rights. They would acknowledge that they are charged with making decisions for the majority and finding ways to enable those decisions for all whom wish to participate, but that human freedom is pertinent regardless. (Example: Education is supported and structured, but any one family can choose public vs private vs homeschool at their own judgement and risk.) That concept is embraced and applied in all areas of life. Institutions would embrace the energetic world knowing that more and more people are aware and open to it, and medicine would be served to learn more about it and find ways to help people with it.

My world would change slowly enough to enable most people to keep up and survive, to heal enough to lead healthy lives. Only those that are unable to keep up would perish, and that could easily be a slim margin with more available options.

These ramblings are my broad view of things on my mind and where I wish to see them head. Hopefully you see the overarching theme and how it applies to your experience.

May we all get through these changing times in one piece. May we all have the healing we seek. May you see that you are doing your level best to provide yourself with everything you need. May you give yourself the best possible options you can. May you find forgiveness for yourself when you are unable to give yourself the best available. May you love and respect yourself and everyone around you. May you see the light that our world needs and find every way possible to bring it into your days. May we all work together for better and brighter days. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Sounds fun.

Beating the drum of what sounds fun. Working on trying to find me.

Dancing sounds fun, not jumping around in a bar, no, actual dancing. I’ve done the bar thing, I’ve never actually gone dancing. Dancing sounds fun, real dancing sounds like love. I don’t even know where to go dancing here in Kansas City.

My hammock is a sort of fun. It’s comforting and relaxing. I spent time there today, right up until my skin started to feel scorched.

Swimming is fun, I’d love to have a real pool at ready access. As it is, I swim as much as I can, based on finding time to accommodate going somewhere else to do so.

Hiking is fun, it has been a long time since I’ve been hiking, but I really like it. The kind of hiking where you need good shoes or boots and the trails take you places you’ve never seen. We did that  in little spurts when we went to Maine/Acadia with my one brother, I relish my pictures from that trip. Before that, the last trip for hiking was about 14 years ago with 12 Indian-American IT professionals, that was a trip full of great fun, where I got to see Mount Rushmore for the first time. Before that, I was a kid, and we did a decent amount of that when I was a kid.

Playing with clay is fun. It’s really messy because, well it’s clay. I’m also not very skilled at ceramics, so that makes it extra messy, but it’s still fun, and I’ve not had opportunity since college.

Making costumes is fun, I should clarify- when you’re only making your own. Once you have a whole family to make them for it becomes daunting, especially because no one can agree and settle on one choice with enough time to actually accomplish them. I haven’t even tried this year because previous years burnt me out and recipients weren’t happy with them when I did finish them.

Laying on a sunny beach is fun, but riding in a boat is even more fun. I’ve been on boats about a dozen times in my life. There was family day for a Coast Guard visit- full Cutter experience, 2 big sail-boat rides, going into the submarine at Navy Pier, visiting the boat in Boston harbor twice (kid + 2019), and I can remember 3 pontoon rental/rides (one of which was gifted by a good friend)…. There’s been 4 canoe trips with school & girl-scouts, and a couple paddle boat rides at Gaea. I could definitely use more boating in my life.

I like spelunking too. Mammoth caves were way cool, but even the tiny Maquoketa Caves in Iowa were fun too. I like the slimy interesting shapes and squeezing through a little gap into a big cavern.

Horse rides are awesome, I love horses. Again I only have a small handful of those experiences. The trip to Mount Rushmore was one. There was once with girl-scouts. There was a family vacation in highschool. And there have been 4 horse and buggy rides with Nathan (and family).

Camping is great fun, and I’m even taking about tent camping. See my family growing up wanted the camper and the amenities, but everything was always stressful, set-up, tear-down, and trying to fit 4 or 5 large people in a tiny space. Lots of yelling and cursing and people wandering off to find their space. As an adult I made friends with tents via Nathan and Gaea, and though set-up was still a little stressful, it was always much shorter and there was way less stress in the experience, an hour of decompression was all that was ever needed to find peace and contentment. But we haven’t been camping at Gaea since before Anya’s mom died and Ian was born (same summer).

I love sitting around a fire, but add drummers and Meade and it’s even better.

Festivals of any kind are usually fun, but I especially love festivals where some rules are left behind (Gaea, RenFaire or similar).

I love live music of any kind. I’ve seen James Galway, Paul McCartney with the U of I marching band, orchestral performances, quartets, quintets, piano recitals, heavy metal, Hypnogaja, America, Kansas, Dropkick Murphys, Kongos, and several other popular bands in large outdoor settings like City festivals, plus who knows how many cover bands. I like all music, and especially live.

I like playgrounds that are shady, it was fun when I was a kid and it still is when I go with my kids. There’s nothing like butt burn from a slide with no shade, yuck! But I’ll slide all day long if it’s shady.

Halloween was great fun up until a year or two ago. Last year Covid killed it, and the year before cranky kids did. But I really really love all things Halloween.

I like gardens, big small, Arboretums, all sizes. Flowers are beautiful, and going to big gardens I usually associate with vacations, in fact I haven’t even been able to see all the ones here in KC. It’s my thing, but my husband and kids don’t like them.

I miss Ren Faire. Here in KC pre-covid it was amazing. We could spend a whole day there and not see everything. And the biggest challenge was only spending what was planned! I always wanted to buy everything.

May you have good things to focus on and which help you find your inner voice. May you find ways to do those things you love that stays kind to your budget. May you know those around you support you in finding fun. May you feel like you have plenty of rest even when maximizing fun time. May you enjoy life mostly.

Om Shanti