Tag Archives: look for good

“What Would You Say”

What would you say came on when I had my mp3’s on shuffle. It made me think, what would I say? This is where I started, where I’m at:

Shit sucks sometimes. Sometimes things don’t go the way you think they should have. Sometimes things don’t pan out right. Sometimes you don’t get what you want.

BUT

If you focus on that side, it just creates an additional layer of misery on top of already not being the happy perfect ending you wanted.

There is no reason to torture yourself further. Look for the good and at least feel better.

Besides, even shit can have an upside. Literally, shit keeps the ecosystem functional. Animals eat poo, bugs eat poo, it fertilizes plants, there’s even been solid science where one person’s poo helps another heal- icky but true.

But seriously, even metaphorical shit can have a bonus. My shitty past has led me to try extra hard to be kind, loving, and supportive. I accept people where they are and do my level best to help without judgement. I’m still human and far from perfect, but I try that much harder because I was judged so heavily at times when I just needed caring support, and none was to be found (even/especially in childhood).

Everyone deserves someone to care and help in times that they need it most.

My father blames Nathan for everything, and others think I settled. But what they all miss is that I chose the person that could be real with me. The person that could be honest and fully accept me as I am. He leaves doors open for possibilities (polyamory, magic, faith), and unconditionally loves me even in my worst moments. He does his best to demonstrate, show and tell me of his love. Further than that I do feel his love and his importance in my life.

He gave me two beautiful children, which have been full of learning lessons. Health, food, fitness, time and stress management are all much more understood because of birthing children. I’m doing my best to be a good example and not force anything on any of my children. I’m doing my best to be kind, loving, and unconditionally accept them and show them by my choices how to help themselves. I care and want the best for them, but see and understand that they are perfectly capable creators already. I would rather show them how to create their own happiness, than tell them what that should look like, or force anything on them.

The shit sucked, massively at times, but I learned ways around just about everything. I sustained a business on nothing but a box of business cards, and started it when we were living on food stamps. Imagine what I could do with millions. I like that thought!

My point is, for most people it’s not worth giving up and throwing in the towel. Most people still have an opportunity to try again and reach for better, and that is the most important thing. Yet, when you’re in the shit storm it’s easy to loose sight of the silver lining. Just keep reminding yourself that there is a buried nugget of good somewhere and it’s worth digging for. Ickiness will eventually reward you somehow.

For now, my reaching for good is remembering good things with my chosen family, the few happy memories of childhood, snuggling pets, and walks in parks.

Today is the beginning of the full moon, and we’re hours from the start of all hallows eve followed by the day of the dead.

The veil is thin and tensions are high for most of America and the world. Even without watching any news for months (over a year probably) I am aware of every woe, every fear, everything the news is scaring people over. But I am very aware of the other side of the veil rooting for us to find that better place. 2020 is different, change has definitely sucked this year, but it is because we have bigger challenges than previous years, and it’s not just because of politics or disease.

I am aware of how many more people are finally admitting their sensitivity to the energetic and unseen world. It doesn’t mean older generations didn’t have that experience, it just means they didn’t talk about it if they did. It does make me wonder and I have difficulty understanding aspects from the ‘if you were sensitive to divine energy then how could you possibly believe_____’.

However, I’m just more concerned that there are so many like me, feeling things and sensing things, but not having a full vocabulary or tool-set to manage it. We are literally flying blind and learning as we go, and 2020 made that a massively huge undertaking.

Just know there will be an end in sight and when we clear that other side we will figure out where the nugget of gold was hiding. In the meantime, do your best to ground, center, clear the junk, and reach for better.

Use this Hallows Eve and Day of the Dead to reach for better and ask support of all our ancestors that know the tricks to manage our sensitivity. Take advantage of the thin veil to get extra support from the unseen. It’s been ages since October has seen 2 full moons, and even longer since a full moon on Halloween. It’s significant, and it may just be the boost we all need to clear the hurdle of 2020’s shit. Focus on good and focus on help from the spirit world, we all need it more than ever. Let yourself clear so your light can shine more brightly and help us all see our way through the shit storm.

Ren Po Shun, Om Shanti

Below pictures of adorable Katherine; Nathan working on my legs when dad’s energetic junk was piled on top of slight dehydration; and my walk just now through Minor Park (south Kansas City Missouri).

Why Live?

I am a little confused and frankly a bit angry with God at the moment.

Abraham has been quite clear over the years that if you raise your vibration, then people that are too far outside of your vibration are supposed to be deterred energetically. The vibrations bounce off of each other and you simply fail to connect.

Yet my daily experience is not showing that yet.

I have been over the “C” word for quite some time now. I am not afraid of sickness at all and frankly I’m quite perturbed that a system seemingly enjoying and profiting off of ill health (frequently caused by viral infections) seems to care less about actually solving viral diseases, especially from the ‘you caught it, now what’ side.¬† Particularly since we have many that are carried lifelong and do more damage than this silly one does, and many of those known systemic assassins are horribly under diagnosed and severely mis-treated or un-treated. My own health journey has demonstrated that in a huge way, and I still have more hope through alternatives than western medicine even pretends to offer. I think that all this nonsense is just that, and I’m done giving a flying eff about it.

Yes it’s another disease, yes it’s going to kill people, get over it, and if you want to be an effing scardy cat leave me out of it.

Yet, I keep interacting with them. I dropped my two ladies like a bad habit when I hit my limit with their spouting nonsense, and today I got a replacement at the office.

At one point after saying “I simply can’t live in fear anymore”, he decided to argue that it isn’t fear. I literally started repeating “I’m done talking now, I’ll stop talking now, please stop talking.” After several repetitions, he merely paused for 30 seconds before he started trying to argue at me. I didn’t respond and let him rant at me while I finished the last 10 minutes of his 30 minute back massage. I was glad I was wearing a mask because I’m certain I breathed fire at one point towards the end- my inner dragon definitely tried to rear it’s head.

Here’s the deal, if you’re in a place where you feel the need to rant at a massage therapist, the massage is probably months overdue, and why did you even bother. It was obvious that my role there was not to fix muscle tension, as he was quite comfortable with it and didn’t want to let go of anything long enough to solve the muscle tension. No, he wanted a captive whipping boy, and I’m good enough at taking abuse from men that I didn’t end the session and walk out. I suppose that was my vibrational lapse. Thanks dad.

But that takes me to my last point: if you feel the need to argue with a complete stranger that you sought out for help, there’s probably a greater problem within you that you are not acknowledging. No stranger should ever be subjected to your desire for a fight, but it seems that the world is set on destroying each other at the most rapid pace possible. It’s not bad enough we have viral diseases that can cause cancer, it’s not bad enough that we have other cancers that kill people regularly, it’s not bad enough we have rampant heart disease, it’s not bad enough you could die from any one of several viral/parasitic/bacterial diseases, it’s not bad enough that we could die in an accident at any time- no, let’s find new and more ways to stir and continue fights and kill each other off. Let’s get creative on the attacks and methods of destruction for our own race. Let’s enjoy making explosive toys that take lives and ruin history for humanity. That’s a great idea.

After the 30 minute massage under duress, I spent the following hour fuming. All his arguing only pissed me off, but I’ve got enough sense now, that I ranted to myself on a drive home and let it go (mostly, I’m hoping this finishes it off). None of what he said changed my mind, none of what he said persuaded me to feel differently about this disease, and OH he tried. He really wanted to scare me, he did his best. He gave me every excuse, every lame scare tactic, every ‘chicken-little sky-is-falling’ line he could think of. He thought I had bought into political antics over it and started to rant about “listen to the politicians” at which point I calmly stated¬† “oh, I don’t listen to any of those ass-hats on either side”. He stammered and continued to rant at me about everything he could think of.

I sincerely hope he never comes back.

The one thing I didn’t say, that I later wished I had is: “Why are you so afraid of dieing from covid when there’s little if anything to live for right now?”

It’s a question I posed to God in the hour after during my solitary releasing rant.

I don’t get the point of it all. On one hand God wants you to see the value of living and our reason for being here, but on the other hand I continue to be inundated by fear mongerers when I have done my level best to distance myself from them.

I struggle to see reasons to keep reaching and living.

I have a beautiful family I deeply care for, but we can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything fun, have no life to speak of. My two toddlers have gotten to go to playgrounds 3 times in the last 7 months and they were all recently, right before the weather turned cold. I spend 6 to 7 days a week wearing a mask and only seeing clients. I haven’t seen smiles on anyone’s faces for most of the year. The only child in my family to see friends was the teen, and she’s only had a few such instances.

Movie theatres have closed, restaurants are barely functional unless you can tolerate weather to sit outside. Businesses I used to frequent have gone belly up and that’s just the local small ones. Several long-standing national chains have gone belly up and others have downsized to the extreme. Malls are functioning at fractional capacity, and everywhere you turn people are ducking away from each other.

This is not life. This is not a world worth living in. Everyone is so afraid of catching a new disease that every other part of our enjoyable existence has crumbled.

If you’re not a hardcore outdoorsy type willing to be outside in any weather, then your options became severely limited. But then again, there’s the giant plume of smoke to encourage people to stay inside anyways. I have been outside more than my family because I simply must have daylight and exercise, so I went for many long walks in parks alone. I pushed my family to do likewise, but they like most of America chose to stay safe and stay home, mostly inside, an hour or two of backyard play a day.

It’s quite sad and disheartening, and I am far more worried about the fate of humanity than my own life in regards to a stupid virus.

I told God, instead of continuing to torture me an my family indefinitely, he could just take us out. God could literally align us with a quick easy exit in seconds, and frankly I think I’m okay with that at this point. I’d much rather have an exit for my family than more of this shit.

Medical systems more concerned about money and politics, than solving disease.

Political systems more concerned about money and war, than solving problems for their constituents.

General populations more concerned with fighting each other and picking sides, then coming together for real compromise based solutions.

Weapons of mass destruction becoming bigger, stronger, more plentiful, more easily accessible, more readily used on each other, and people finding enjoyment in that. Buy all the guns, bigger, shinier, more powerful, and make sure you practice with them. Tell yourselves it’s for the apacolypse, just in case the zombies get you, but ignore the fact that your toys invite reasons to use them.

Race wars, gender wars, marriage rights wars, money wars, political wars, religious wars. Could we possibly invent more reasons to go to war? Don’t answer that. There are enough in my awareness as it is.

It’s all too much, and the good smear is wearing very thin. I really, really have to focus, all day, every day, to see the good in my existence.

It’s becoming more and more challenging and I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I was promised that if I worked at focusing on the good, that eventually it would get easier, yet it never does. Every day seems to get harder and harder to stay focused on the positives. WTF God?!?!


Today I watched cartoons with the kids. We perched in the recliner in front of the fireplace and there were two kids and two cats surrounding me. The recliner couldn’t hold any more if I’d have wanted it to. It was a good moment, and one that stemmed from a strong desire to see good in my world. It was a happy moment.

I really need God to understand that my segment of the matrix really must start showing improvement or I’d rather exit. Unfortunately, I am in the distinct awareness that if I exit, my family is quite doomed and thus if the matrix doesn’t improve then God really must take us all.

There really must be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, to keep reaching for better. There must be a life worth living and enjoying.

I don’t need anyone trying to convince me to live hiding in fear, I need more people willing to live fully. I need positive aware people in my experience. I need open minded solution oriented people in my experience. I need people willing to love and be loved and to work themselves towards better. I need people working on their own thoughts and beliefs to raise their vibrations and reach for better. I need to see improvement that I have worked so hard to find to start manifesting around me.


May you have reasons to live. May others let you live in peace. May you see mostly good. May you enjoy your experience mostly. May the negativity and negatives die. May you know you are supported and that the only thing to fear is fear itself. May your efforts matter and may unwanted experiences bounce off of you.

Siva Hir Su