Tag Archives: looking to the future

To distract oneself.

Today, I’ve found myself frustrated that I am not able to make big decisions.

On one level I feel like we’re trying to pull a scenario like Bio-Dome on retirement communities. If it weren’t so rediculous from first hand experience, I could find it funny. Yet stupid things like residents wanting to sit outside and enjoy beautiful weather, except upper management deemed it too risky initially and stowed all the deck chairs. I know we have now discovered that UV light helps kill it and transfer risks are reduced outdoors, so I would have put the damn chairs out a week ago. Alas it is not my decision to make, so I do my best to soothe upset residents. They know I am not worried, never was, and my intelligent responses have started to soothe their fears, but it’s far from the ideal I desire.

Then there are things like the Feds telling states and hospitals to solve their own problems and then intercepting those supplies slowing the flow yet again. See Here and here. I just wish I could be on TV pointing out the idiocy of that move. It was either just plain dumb or an intentional move to try and make matters worse. Either way that shit needs to stop.

However, even with situations like those, I have my own health journey to focus on and my puzzle needs no added stress. So I’m doing my level best to stay either distracted or on happy topics.

So today I am filling all my extra time working on a bigger drawing project. It will end up 2 9×12 ink drawings based on the concept of Atira. I’m working on an ad like image for the temple and business park. Here’s a teaser:

Finally I wish to spend a few minutes in appreciation.

  • I appreciate that there are individuals in charge that do know the real risks and data and practical measures to solve the problem. I look forward to more of those people letting their voices be heard in a bigger way, and news outlets enabling it.
  • I appreciate that I am intelligent to know what is right and proper and not allow fears to dictate illogical decisions…. I didn’t have a mask on yesterday because of the hives on my face, someone wearing a mask apologized for getting too close to me. I simply explained it’s mask or 6 feet, you don’t need to worry about trying to do both, and that I’m not worried about either knowing I’m well beyond having been exposed several times after actually having been sick in February. They replied: I guess you’re right. …Why that information isn’t common knowledge is beyond me.
  • I am glad that I am healthy enough that a new virus bounced off of me no worse than the flu, and even my thyroid concerns feel like something I will be able to fully heal.
  • I am super happy that I made it through, what for Kansas City was an unnecessary extended lock down. I suspect that their projections are far off for Kansas City. Yes, there will be more people get sick, but I believe that it will be a fraction of projections based on the known-unknown viral-illnesses of January and February. We’ve simply already dealt with the worst of it before any shut downs even happened.
  • I am glad that my whole family is happy and healthy.
  • I am appreciative of the extra time I have had with my children.
  • I have enjoyed extra time with my husband as well.
  • I am grateful that I have been able to spend time in my gardens.
  • I am grateful that I have the necessary skills to do many things. I came across a graphic arts position I am well qualified for and could likely get, but would require relocation. I am satisfied in the knowing that I could apply for the position, but would rather stay where I am.
  • That caused an internal dialogue of all of the things in my current experience that I do know how to do. I could literally work all but 4 positions within the independent living retirement community without any training. I could work all of the non-medical positions in AL. Even a for a typical CNA, I have all the hands on knowledge, I’m merely lacking the official transcripts and test scores to prove it. Beyond that I have worked as a caregiver which duties for that overlap much of what CNA’s do in a less official way. I know how to transfer patients, I know proper lifting techniques, I know proper precautions in many situations, and even how to administer breathing treatments and insulin. I am very skilled and at this point I am able to choose what I do for income. That knowing causes a wonderful sense of accomplishment and healthy pride.
  • I respect my own skills and desires enough to step back and weigh all the data before making decisions.
  • I am appreciative of the knowing that I can literally do anything I want. I have even considered getting my masters degree, only needing a year of school to complete it, funding is literally the only barrier, and a hesitation of not really wanting to go back to school again.
  • I respect that I nearly always accomplish on my own levels of activity and work that others often would consider too much. My “I can do it on my own” mentality has protected my family time and time again.
  • I am intelligent, strong, have massive perseverance, and all things considered do my best to avoid being too complaint oriented.
  • I love myself and I’m getting better and better at showing it to myself.
  • I’m better at controlling my emotions and thoughts. That is allowing my life to gradually improve.
  • I am healing my brain and my body, based on good research and my intuitive knowing of what works for me.
  • My connection to the divine guides me as often as I take the time to listen. That is the best part of everything.

May you have minimal frustrations. May you have wonderful distractions and joyful desires. May you find your focus and the resulting improvement. May you have more good days than bad, and know our world is safe. May you appreciate the perfection of natural processes. May you have pleasant days and many good dreams. May your biggest desires be reachable. May you know you can do anything.

Siva Hir Su

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.