Tag Archives: love yourself

Catching up with myself.

I am stopped at a park on the way home, just for a quiet place to sit for a few moments. I need to catch up with me.

I have managed to fit in a workout every day for almost a week and a half. Some at home doing yoga or climbing up and down our basement stairs. Most at the gym by work.

I have been pushing myself extra hard, and the only thing I can attribute it to is my inspiration of She-Ra and the discovery of my inner programming because of that show. I want to see if I can do it, if I can look like her. That is, after years and years of subconsciously trying to be like her to some degree or another.

Anyway, my post work workout today on the treadmill was uncomfortable. My legs are cranky and I couldn’t go as fast as usual.

That’s after a salt bath last night and about 4 hours of either working on my muscles myself or having Nathan help me.

I feel like my muscles are starved for something…. I’m breathing fine, so I doubt it is oxygenation. I’m taking all of my supplements, so I also doubt that it is nutrition. I’m staying hydrated as well as ever, so I might be a little short on fluids, but not excessively.

So, I think they just want the energy to heal damage from working them so extensively. I’m taking my thyroid meds, but I had backed off on seaweed to try not to swing high. I will try some extra seaweed when I get home.

Instead, for the moment I am putting thought energy towards healing while I sleep, specifically mending muscles, shrinking skin, and burning the fat that I am still carrying. I have been focusing on those processes since my legs started complaining on the treadmill.

I’m also going to stretch really well when I get home. I have been doing yoga every few days, but my legs definitely need more stretching than they have received. I want my body to have what it needs in every respect, and I’m still doing my best to accommodate everything.

That’s why I stopped. I just needed a moment of chill and regrouping before landing at home with kids excited to see mommy.

I need my brain to catch up with my day and my week so that I’m not overwhelmed with the logistics of getting home and still needing to take care of me some. It’s a tricky balancing act to give my kids the attention they desire and still fit in doing the activities I need for myself.

Not impossible, just tricky. Sometimes I manage just fine, sometimes not.

This afternoon I feel like if my brain doesn’t catch up, then I could potentially have issues with the rest. Just trying to head that off at the pass. Of course a dose of herbs straight in the door would probably help too, fortunately we keep the “Free and Easy Wanderer” on the shelf by our dining table which is 10 steps inside the garage door. It’s like this moment has happened before🤪!

That’s because it has.

Anyway, a few moments alone and then I make my attempt at being mommy.

May you have good workouts. May you feel great always. May your muscles always have what they need. May you have moments of escape when you need them. May your brain always cooperate with you. May you body heal when you sleep, and above all may you know that God loves and supports you in every way.

Om Shanti

Moving Stillness

Cars rush by
Construction sounds
Hum of equipment
Heat wafting on my face
Sunbeams cast long angular glows
My socked feet touching cold floor
Salt lamp glowing
Hands touch skin
Elbows find knots
Gentle holiday piano
Sounds grace my ears
Oils' smell
Frankincense, Myrh, Sandalwood
Grounding and healing
Divinity
Good anytime
Fitting for the now
Reminder of holiday blessings
Sensing energy
Obliterating tension
Relaxing
Stillness of mind
Body in motion
Providing relief
For another
Finding relief
For self
Through
The present
The moment
My gift
To myself
My love
For me
Mindfulness
Even in motion
~Treasa Cailleach

Work in progress.

I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.

However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.

I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.

I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.

Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.

Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.

Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.

It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.

Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.

She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.

I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.

Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.

My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.

My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.

My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.

But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.

I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.

Saying those words I also see myself.

Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.

I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.

At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.

I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.

May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

InkTober 5th: blade; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper, approximately 4″ x 4″