Tag Archives: love yourself

Work in progress.

I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.

However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.

I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.

I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.

Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.

Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.

Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.

It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.

Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.

She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.

I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.

Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.

My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.

My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.

My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.

But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.

I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.

Saying those words I also see myself.

Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.

I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.

At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.

I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.

May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

InkTober 5th: blade; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper, approximately 4″ x 4″

Results of giving up.

I ate all the things. Save for one bell pepper: my brain remembered they make me wheeze and I told it “I’m sorry, I really like you, but I would like to breathe for now.”

I enjoyed every bite of comfort.

I gorged until my belly was midly sore. I felt fat, but I already gave into that. I am, despite efforts for years to the contrary, I might as well enjoy it for the moment. I might change my mind later if God let’s me live longer, and that’s okay.

I hugged my husband tight, who knows how many more of those I’ll have with the deal I just made (see last post).

I won’t go to doctors again unless they drag me in an ambulance, and even then I doubt they’ll truly fix anything, just buy some time. That’s all Allopathic medicine ever does, even though they scare you into thinking otherwise.

I smelled the roses, they were from my last tiff with Nathan. It was induced by an allergic reaction to tasty food combined with a mental trigger ingrained by childhood experiences. Hopefully, it will be my last tiff with him, but hopefully there will be more flowers regardless.

I really looked for what I want right now.

I couldn’t find an answer beyond wanting comfort and high vibrational stuff, and thought that somehow those were not the same thing.

I sat in my car for my lunch break, planning to take my usual walk around the pond. I decided to play with my camera on my phone and got distracted with selective focus. Now I write this. There’s 30 min left, I’ll wrap up and get a short walk in.

May you just give up and enjoy what you have right now. May we all quit fighting and trying to be right or make others wrong. May we reach for living the best we can not knowing how long we have. May you appreciate all the things. May you understand all the things you aren’t supposed to do, eat, be, say; they’re all because someone else decided they were bad. Sometimes there isn’t a solution, and we all die eventually, was it worth it if you never enjoyed what you ate or did? What if you hurt others along the way, too many times to count? There is a happy medium you can reach for on pretty much any topic. Do what you want as long as it reaches for good and for better, and sometimes that is enjoying food, and sometimes that is reaching for a healthy alternative. May God help us live enjoyable lives even when we do something wrong, and may God help us right our wrongs. May you find peace and know you are loved and supported.

Om Shanti

Drowning in the barrage.

I found my tree at Minor Park this afternoon after work. It’s cooler than it has been, but still quite beautiful.

Now I sit trying to ground and find relief.

I’ve had 3 moderately heavy days, they ended up not as heavy as expected because some of my clients didn’t get their reminders. It seems it might be a glitch in the system.

Regardless, I have mixed emotions on that. I’m glad the work load was manageable, but I could really use the extra cash to save for that treatment and a half dozen other somewhat vital things I’ve yet to pay for, taxes being one. You can only stall so long before they come after you.

Anyways, I’m grateful because I have been trudging through energetic muck and negative thoughts. It has made me feel like even the manageable work load was too much.

I know it’s not all mine, but every time I ask the angels to clear for me it is temporary relief. And I suspect some is mine, but not in the usual way, and I’m perplexed on how to fix that.

I suspect some is my father, that whole digital stalking thing, every time I make a comment about his unsavory behaviors and demeanor throughout my childhood, the negativity intensifies. Yesterday was downright oppressive and I had written the post with a minor comment about his abusiveness the night before. I just wish that if it is him, either he or I would die so that I could be free of it. At the moment I know I don’t care which, but also know I should care.

Additionally, based upon intrusive thoughts I have had flood my brain despite efforts otherwise, I suspect some may be either my mom, or the sick friend, or both. Those thoughts center around ending suffering and going home, and it makes my battle against the negativity that much harder. I’m fighting tooth and nail just to stay functional.

I suspect some to be the American man I am in close proximity to on a regular basis. The one I wanted but was turned away by. I feel him energetically and care for him, and I know my concern has caused me to feel emotions from him before. Yet, this time he’s either hiding it really really well, or my perception is off. Perhaps I am picking up on a side tangent not really related to our interactions, or what I am feeling I have horribly misinterpreted. Either way, his outward demeanor when I have been in proximity is nothing like what I am feeling, but I have noticed a correlation between proximity to him and intensity of what I am feeling.

There have also been random, perhaps not random, thoughts about several others in my past: SJ, Rajesh, Hannah, and they have all carried massive waves of negativity with them, despite major efforts to focus on the positives. The moments I do manage to shift focus onto the positives it makes my heart burn so strongly I feel sick. It is frustrating me intensely because most of these people have a place in my heart. I have had many moments with all of them where love and appreciation were the focus. Yet, right now the way I’m feeling and what I’m working through makes me wish I could erase it all.

All I know for certain is the thoughts and negative waves left me in tears for most of the last two days, and I would have loved for any one of them to apologize and hug me. As it is only 2 of them were within reach and I didn’t dare say anything to either because I feared the response of the man and didn’t want to add to the friends’ challenges.

And that brings me to the final possibility of my own mess. Usually a downturn like this would imply thyroid imbalance. Yet, I am doing everything right and taking everything in a system that works. Yet, I literally had a moment where, while working I felt extremely exhausted like I was going to fall over, but my heart was actually beating slightly faster than average, but not racing. If I was low on thyroid meds/iodine my heart rate would drop with the exhaustion and be extra slow. If I was high on thyroid support, I would have a racing heart rate and anxiety. Not a combination of the two. These are well known to me because I have had direct experience with it all.

So then, I cycle to the damn chronic virus infection I finally labeled. Because I can’t afford the IV treatment yet, I upped the anty at home. I have been taking extra colloidal silver, olive leaf, grapefruit seed extract, much larger doses of vitamin C, oral peroxide doses, and the immune support mushroom complex. All intended to kill the effing virus and anything else that might be dogging me long term. Potentially, my past two days could be partially or wholly, because I am slowly killing a decades old infection that has commandeered cells in my body, which ultimately means I am killing those cells. The cells are merely innocent bystanders that were captured by the virus and are now collateral damage. My body could simply be very angry from the dieing cells, resulting toxins, and a virus desperate to stay alive.

Detoxing always affects a person’s mental state and often causes extreme fatigue, as well as a whole host of other possible symptoms. If that is the case I’m winning in the long run, but the short term doesn’t really seem like it.

I have used this system to kill the flu, sinus infections, and other respiratory colds several times over the last decade. So now my only question is why didn’t it kill this virus when I was killing the others? Why is it finally working on this chronic infection? Is it merely because I triggered the acute phase 3 weeks ago, or is it because I finally got healthy enough that only the chronic infections are what is left to fight?

I’m really not sure I even need all the answers. Ultimately, I just want that carrot of full health. I just want to feel good again. I certainly want energy levels and mental stability to return so that I can do my job regardless of how many appointments I have on the books. And if the others are energetically invading my space, then I really need them to let go and leave me alone. I certainly don’t need anyone that rejected me causing me additional hurdles to jump over just to exist maintaining my life.

Healthy, happy, energetically sovereign self. That’s my goal and biggest desire right now.

May you find your own healthy, happy, energetically sovereign self. May you see solutions. May you know how to handle exhaustion when faced with the inability to sleep. May you know you are overcoming your challenges. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that everything works out in the end. It’s all okay.

Siva Hir Su