Tag Archives: love

Inked commitments

I see a lot of ink in my job, in fact sometimes I recognize somebody’s face, but I don’t really remember who they are until they get on the table and I see their ink. This week one of my irregular clients was in. I’ve seen her 2 or 3 times over the last year and half, so I didn’t immediately remember her. She has a tattoo that reads: “I am my own before I am anyone else’s”. That helped me remember and in prior sessions she was fairly quiet.

Her tattoo, however, made me think about commitments in a big way. Not just the commitment of ink, but in the message it, and she, conveyed.

She spoke of having a fiancee, someone she cared about and was committed to, but then she also spoke about not getting married ever. She referenced all the problems that happen in regards to marriage. She spoke mainly of financial concerns based on a book she had read encouraging people to navigate the system in beneficial ways. They were all thoughts that had crossed my mind early in mine and Nathan’s relationship. She’s right, there are lots of reasons to not want to get married. I have experienced some of them in my own marriage and in watching my parents marriage. Financial concerns, strife and arguments being the biggest factors that I’ve noticed in mine and my parents marriages.

I admired her commitment to herself, and genuinely hope that it works out for her. For me I see the compromise that we make just living life, and acknowledge that myself comes first in most ways, all which I’m able, but it’s still life. My goal is to live my best life and take care of myself as best as possible, but in some cases that means extra challenges. It is that which leaves me acknowledging there are also lots of reasons to do the commitment of marriage. That is why many of the old masculine paradigm are still drawn to it.

Even the government acknowledges that once you’ve lived together, shared finances for so long, and had children, you’re essentially already married. And let’s face it if you’re that entwined, augments are inevitable to some degree. Most states acknowledge this with “common law” marriage rules. And let’s be honest if you’re having children, either you’re living together and sharing everything anyway, or you’re separated and one parent is automatically the non-custodial parent. Said parent has limited visitation and limited rights and required financial commitments (child support). States do frequently pursue child support from non-custodial parents even when marriage was never addressed, and often when there were supposedly amicable agreements. On the other hand, if you’re living together you share all the rights and all the responsibilities, and it’s still up to both of you, as to how that is handled. The choice of getting married or staying unmarried doesn’t do anything to solve the puzzle of having children. There are pros and cons to both sides of that fence, and if you want to be an active participant in your childrens’ lives then common law or traditional marriage are your only real options. Otherwise you get the short end of the stick in most ways, and still have to pay for them.

In mine and Nathan’s marriage it has meant a big factor was making certain that his daughter would be cared for should anything happen to him. Right now due to legalities he is solely responsible for education and medical concerns for her, and has been since her mom died. However because her mom is already deceased, if anything happened to Nathan, all I would have to do is present both death certificates to proper governing bodies and assuming there were no other petitions for custody, I would be granted legal guardianship. It has been a huge relief factor considering Nathan’s health concerns beginning early in our relationship, starting 6 months after we decided to marry. There have been other concerns over children as well, since I’ve now produced two more of them.

Yet we are polyamorous.

Polyamory struggles with this conundrum because in most of the United States only one marriage is legal. So, you play the dance of trying to decide: 1-do I marry one person and call everyone else my significant other, or 2- do I marry none legally and just have a bunch of significant others, or 3- do I marry no one legally and hand-fast my partners to have multiple non-legal spouses.

It creates hierarchical structure concerns, and then when children get involved, it creates further custody and responsibility concerns for every adult in the family. United States law simply has not addressed polyamory in any way to date. So, most polyamorous families end up attempting to solve the problem with legal guidance, and legal documentation, to sometimes still have biological grandparents/aunts/uncles throw kinks into postmortem processes. There have been more than a few polyamorous families, and many polygamist families, end up in long legal battles after one adult passed away.

That is why Nathan and I drug our heals at making the commitment. We both acknowledged that marriage was a huge risk by itself, and being poly from the onset of our relationship made it an even larger risk as a commitment. We discussed it for hours on end, many times over 4 years, before finally sealing the deal. We weighed pros and cons and all the risks of both sides.

For me it boiled down to love. I knew I loved Nathan and his daughter enough to take every last one of the scary risks we had acknowledged, especially after his miserable divorce completed. I was willing to walk through fire if it meant they knew I loved them and wanted the best that I could manage for them.

I also knew that my own health battle meant I regularly fought both inside and outside of myself. My brain was frequently intent on making me see the worst in everything and it would often cause a strong desire for either death, suicide, or escape, no matter the circumstances. I knew that for me the commitment had to be extra hard to get out of, mostly to make certain I would fight hard enough to win the war waged in my brain and emotions. I wanted to make sure that my inner me, who loved them truly and deeply, had a trigger in my mental sphere to encourage the fight for good. I didn’t want the negative ninny in my brain to win simply because it was easy to escape. Marriage ultimately became my insurance to fight for my own life and to keep reaching for the love I knew was there.

I knew my love for Nathan and his daughter was worth fighting for. Every good moment felt amazing. Every time my brain was in a good space, there wasn’t a shred of doubt that I loved them. It was a deeply felt knowing, that when my brain was clear, was easy access. I wanted to preserve that even when my brain malfunctioned, and being married with divorce as a consequence enabled me to win against my brain over and over again.

To this day I still acknowledge that divorce really would do me no good. It won’t solve the role of finances and could make it even worse. It won’t solve my brain’s function. It won’t make taking care of myself any easier. It won’t be helpful for children, and could potentially traumatize all of us. Divorce simply won’t fix anything that is broken, and could lead to even greater damages. So it is still my safety net to continue to fight the good fight for love. May it always work and love overcome all.

I hope that one day there will be another that feels as I do, and we can commit through all of those legal hoops, to make a solid attempt at protecting a poly family. Anyone willing to go through that definitely has love and all of our best interests at heart.

May you always know how to put yourself first and care for yourself as fully as life allows. May you know that occasionally legal commitment is the route to enable that. May you know that not all commitments must be legal to be truly valid, that a commitment is really demonstrated in many ways on a daily basis, sometimes as simply as surviving the rough parts. May you know that everything has a reason and a purpose, and that our goal here on Earth is to find ways to improve upon everything as best as we are able. May you see that improvement in yourself and know that you win a war every time that your brain would prefer you don’t. Regardless of your decisions may you see that everything works out just as you need. Above all my you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Because

I love them because they have learned and grown. I love them because they have tried. I love them because they cared about me, they cared about what I had to bring to the table. They didn’t just want my skills, or my looks, or my strength, they wanted me- all of it, every ounce of it.

And I love them because they also helped me. They taught me things. I watched them and learned too. I know how to be more patient with patients whom I would rather not. I learned to be more gentle when someone might ask or behave otherwise. I learned to be kinder and more forgiving. I learned new skills and how to fine tune others. I learned what it was like to spend my days with family. I learned that sometimes I can ask for help when I need it and not worry so much that there might actually be someone that can help. I learned I am not alone. I learned how to be a better listener and give feedback that is needed over other commentary.

I learned to be better from them, and I could not have asked for more. I’m so very grateful. Thank you.

Om Shanti

The Real

The real God
Loves everyone
Never needed me to
Obtain approval
For anything
Especially
Consent for marriage
He approves of
Everything bound by love

He already loved
Them
He already loved
Me
He saw the love we
Shared
And knew it would
Grow

The real God
Never needed to own
He owns everything
Never needed to control
He controls everything

We are children exploring
He's there if we fall
Willing to help us
Try again

The real God
Doesn't need compensation
No sale of a daughter or dowry
He already has everything
Daughters are daughters
Regardless of dollars
Any daughter
Seeking and finding
Love
Is accepted and respected
Their loving partner
Is a miracle to behold
A bond stronger than
Any other
He only wishes to
Be loved in return
And lovers entwined
Is the most beautiful
Expression of
Focused Love

The real God
Knows children
Will be born
Life will contine
Always
There is no
Requirement
Task needing fulfilled
The only must
Is knowing he's
Here
Now

The real Goddess
Gave birth to everything
She loves all
Always
She heals everything
Which is hers

If you fall
She'll console you
Just snuggle into
Warmth
Knowing her love
Heals everything
From broken hearts
To broken bones
Brains and
Dis-ease

Her love seeps
Deep
Into every cell
Every blood vessel
Every pore
Quiet stillness
Is all she needs
To do healing work
A warm
Vibration
The only sensation
Soothing to every
Sense
In every
Being

Jesus reminded the
World
All of human kind
We are all
Beautiful creatures
We are all
Equally amazing
Equally brilliant
Equally talented

Jesus knew there
Was only unity
Loving caring
Kindness
For All
He never disappeared
He spent years
Traveling the Earth
Teaching everyone
Under names they understood
Ra,Shiva, avalokitesvara, Quan Yin
Doing his best
To honor both and
Show everyone
How great it could
Be

Yet somehow we were
All too dsense to see
All his teachings
A world full of
Systems which never changed
Man intent on
Better than
Stronger than
Healthier than
More veral
More kids
More resources
More consumption
More destruction
More dis-ease
Discontent

I feel them
Humans attached to
Me
Vampires of lust
Vampires of control
Vampires of ownership
Vampires of greed

They were not here
When I needed
Shoulders to cry on
Hands to help
Children watched
Transportation to treatments
Treatments completed
Uplifting
Relieving
Healing

No they watched
And wallowed
From afar
Making already challenging
Days
Become burdens too
Heavy to carry
Draining
Essence
Cutting off
From the divine
I needed most

They simply don't
Get it
Love is real
Love can move mountains
Yet when life
Has been drained
Of all love
Nothing survives
Empty shells
Eventually crumble

God loves and supports
Goddess loves and heals
Neither can do their
Roles
If humanity
Starves them of
One golden nugget
Love

All they need
Is for us
To let go and
Love

Let go of
Rules
Let go of
Better than
Let go of
More than
Anyone
Or anything
Let go of
Competing
Or doing

Just find
Love

In quiet stillness

If everyone
Everywhere
Just let go
And let
Love
Flow

The real
God and
Goddess
Could come together
And heal
We could birth
A new world
Better
Healthier
And more
Loving

Let the
Real
Be
Here
Now

~ Treasa Cailleach

May you feel your connection to the divine. May you find a way to let love flow and the real God and Goddess be here now. May your love of the divine let this now experience change and grow in love. May you let go of everything and find peace and healing. May you know that all aspects of the divine, love and accept you as you are, you are whole and complete.

Seek and ye shall find. Matthew 7:7

Om Shanti