Tag Archives: loving more

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

Wishes and Dreams

Today the work theater presents “The Greatest Showman”. I’m only 15min into my resident-sitting-movie-gig, and it’s a reminder of the threads that have kept me going. My wishes and dreams.

It seems that my wishes and dreams may be working their way into reality. That reversie card I wrote about, may be finally at play.  It seems the messages from the divine (or simply the other side) are getting louder.

The last week brought messages from my friend’s late uncle about her grandfather’s ill health. He worked very hard to warn her using me as the middle woman. It took days to figure out because I knew they were messages, but it wasn’t until I started showing her pictures of the messages that she put the pieces together. She’d sent me a copy of a picture of the uncle to show me who was communicating, and later in the evening his picture (on my phone) opened itself right as she was being informed grandpa was being taken to the ER.  It was eerie, but fascinating validation. Luckily by morning she learned that grandpa had a very treatable temporary setback. He’d be okay.

That was in the midst of finishing my portion of my taxes to get them turned into my accountant. I really hope she’s able to work the same magic as years before, because between baby and moving we’ll really need a decent return.

Speaking of moving, that’s part of the reversie card. 

We never did find an adequate yet affordable home. However, my friend (Hannah) with the talkative deceased uncle, has offered their home, and to simply split the existing costs. 

We’ve been friends for several years, but lately we’ve discovered how intensely we share goals, hopes, dreams, skills, preferences, and even health challenges. We grok each other, an understanding on a deeper level. We’ve gotten very close, and I feel like she’s family in my heart. So, when they offered their home, and even to help make necessary adjustments to accommodate us, I couldn’t say no. I feel like it’s an honor to have her support and love. I can’t see the full puzzle being put together yet, but definitely feel like she’s a very important piece, and one I’m glad to call family. I definitely feel my heart blossoming and growing with more love for a greater family than I could have imagined. 

I’ve shared with her my thoughts on all my previous messages and including the picture with the elephant figurines and the happenings with the boy, and she is in agreement. She agrees that he’ll eventually return and I just need patience and to keep my hopes and dreams alive. 

What’s more is what she’s found in helping prep for our full move in. She’s found her bulbs of the ‘Lily of India’-5 of them, she’d already planned on planting them, but they’d already begun to sprout in the cellar storage. 

Then there was the elephants her grandmother played with as a child. She knew they existed, but as she was sorting belongings she found them, 5 to be exact.

It gives me goose bumps and spine shivers every time another sign like that shows itself. It’s validation that I’m not crazy and that at least some things I see are indeed messages. I look forward to seeing the full manifestation of all of these divine signposts. To that end I keep repeating “my miracle is on its way, just keep believing”.

It was one such moment that I realized the car in front of me had a plate that said “4SHIV”. I snapped a picture and sent it to Nathan and Hannah to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. (I’d put it here, but I don’t have their permission and the photo would give away their state which could jeopardize their personal information.) Regardless, both Nathan and Hannah validated it very much said what I thought, and we all had an OMG’s moment. I pointed out, there was enough characters for the A on the end of Shiva. I was left with a strong sense it had to be for me because the shortened version isn’t commonly used here.

 It was very much a perfect alignment of astronomical odds that I know was a message for me from the divine. For that I am forever grateful. It’s those seemingly small kernels that mean massive amounts to me and help me get through this chaotic time of 3rd trimester diet craziness, moving, working an insane amount, squeezing in taxes, and then doing my best to have at least a few minutes of quality time with my kids before falling over from fatigue each night. It will all be worth it when my growing family is using our miracle to build Atira.

I very much look forward to that. Those will be wonderful days.

When there is nothing left.

I had a dream early this morning. Essentially in the dream I lost everything and ended up sitting with my family telling the man that I loved him. That we loved him, whether he stayed or not.

The dream was very metaphorical, as obviously he’s not actually here. Additionally by lost everything, I mean I lost: slippers – meaning comforts, my wallet- financial security, and my work bag- my essentials for daily activities. The realization I came to, upon waking, was that it is true. It was a very surreal realization.

I have lost everything. I have lost the comforts. I have lost financial security, though that really happened years ago. I have lost the essentials, right now I’ve spent the last year and a half without even running water. I feel horrendously horrible for having put my family in that place.

I wish I could undo it all. I feel like I’m on the verge of “selling my soul to the devil” for just plain “normal”.

It also made me uncomfortably aware that I have nothing to offer. I have no real money, no nice home, no solid definite means of improvement. I have nothing tangible to offer this person whom I care so much for. I have no justification. I have no way to convey that my love for him isn’t just an attempt to merely better our lives.

Yet Ms. Louise Hay points out that we are born into this world with nothing and we leave this world with nothing. She says you can’t take your money, or your cars, or your houses. The only thing you bring in the world and the only thing you take with you is your love. She’s right.

So now, I struggle. I have oscillated again. I started the morning by intending that Ian would be cuddly and loving and he was, it was a good start to the day. As the day wore on, that dream dogged me. I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to convey the importance of my feelings, but having nothing substantial to back it up.

I want to give and receive love in multiplicity, but life dictates that we need the stuff. Stuff is divine energy manifest, and it keeps life flowing. I know that someone that has already climbed out of poverty doesn’t want to go backwards. No one wants to go backward. Yet, that is essentially what I’m asking, just so I can love on him. It’s not fair to him, and it is definitely not fair to the soon to be wife. I’m essentially asking him to take on an instant problem, not on purpose, merely as a side effect of practicality of polyamory.

So, I sit and face the facts. Even if I have faith that things will work out, there is very real potential it could continue as the crap whole it is. Beyond that I am asking another human being to have faith based on some dreams and visions, and something that has eluded Nathan and I for over a decade. I see the reality that what I’m asking is far too much. My expectations might be far too high. My goals unrealistic and unbelievable.

Yet I believe in the possibility of miracles, and asked for that very thing months and months ago. I believe that my miracle request is on it’s way, that just more patience is needed.

So, why then do I feel like such an ass? Why do I feel like a schmuck asking for too much?

And why does all of this produce anger in me? The tears I understand. The anger I don’t.

And if all I have is love, if that is the only damn thing I have to offer, then why can’t I hold just that feeling? Why is it so damn hard to focus on the only good thing I have left? I have so many places I direct that love, yet I can’t focus long enough to evoke the feeling.

So, I’m feeling lost at the moment, but I know I’ll eventually find improvement. I always do, at least since I figured out my puzzle. I will get the pieces back together and feel the love again. It just takes time and more patience with myself. Piece my peace back together.

Dancing like Sugar Plums

So I’ve referenced having had visions of the man on several occasions. It seems that if he returns to my life it is likely not any time soon (unless he’s scheming something and not telling me- entirely possible I’m sure). I know I have given him links to my blog in the past, so this particular post could potentially bite me in the ass.

However, I feel like I need to document what those visions I’ve had were, and take that risk. Partly for me to cling to them because they feel so darn good, and partly as documentation. A, just in case they do pan out, I can validate myself by saying see- I wrote this post back in August 2017 when I was under the impression you had left the mid-west. How was I to know they would actually come to pass?! Honestly, the idea of that conversation feels really, really good! Keep doing that, beating that drum, my 808.

Anyway, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this all in perfectly coherent order, or even very clear, but my goal is to describe all of the insights I’ve had.


The very first one I  had, was giving him a hug. That simple. But it was like a memory of really hugging your mom early in life. I could feel his clothes rubbing my skin. I saw and felt the brown suit-coat he was wearing, I slid my arms between the suit-coat and his shirt and felt the warmth. I could feel the muscles in his back, and smell- the gentle smell of a clean man. I could see his face (but initially on the first several instances I couldn’t see his eyes), I saw the shape of his chin and his cheeks. I whispered in his ear “Thank you” with his name several times. His initial reaction was almost stunned still holding his arms open, and after a few moments he very gently hugged me back. It was a long hug, very comforting.

After experiencing that several times over, I did eventually see his eyes. Beautiful deep brown eyes like Nathans, but his seemed to have honey colored flecks in them. Very expressive and full of emotion. When I first saw his eyes, they were full of fear. Since then they have softened, but still seem to carry concern.



The next vision I had was in a dream. I literally had a dream of myself looking in a big oval mirror. The mirror was very fancy and unlike any in my daily life. I was standing there checking myself, and stopped in awe. I had seen what I was wearing, like really seeing it for the first time, like I had no idea that’s what I had on. It was my reaction in the mirror that caused me to step back in the dream. I could see that I was wearing a beautiful bright red sari with thousands of gold and silver beads on it. It was like the Indian version of the dresses the Jersey gypsies wear in that reality show. Very glitzy and glamorous and very beautiful. I’ve never worn anything like that, even the one time I did wear a sari it was a relatively plain blue one. In the dream I was just in awe at the intricacy of the beading, and how good I looked in it. It was so beautiful that I wanted to cry.

My wedding dress for marrying Nathan was a simple renaissance style dress that I made myself. It cost $200 in fabric, and many hours of sewing, and though I was happy with it, I knew it was not the beautiful traditional wedding dress that most women have. I never really wanted the white dress, but I think I always wondered if the dress I made was as beautiful as I hoped for it to look. I think I convinced myself that it was beautiful enough, but I know there is probably part of me that had wished it was fancier to show how important the occasion was. I know I had looked at some beautiful handmade dresses from England that were made with rich brocade fabrics and had embroidered details. They were the inspiration for my much more plain results.

So, then this dream with the beautiful glitzy red sari, I did actually cry. It was such an amazing dream, and one that is still somewhat unbelievable to me. I have no idea how that would ever actually be possible.


At that point though, I was hooked on this man. After those 2 visions, I thought this guy must be a sure thing. So I created a visualization to guide a vision. When I do that I start by meditating, getting myself into that nice comforting space. Then I start with what I know and build on it, eventually turning lose the reins to see a response. So, I started with the visage that I saw in the first one, the hug. I created him walking into a place like Panera.

I greeted him and hugged him again. Then asked him to sit in a booth and I sat across from him. I told him I’d waited what seemed like forever for that moment and that I was really happy to see him. He just nodded.

I told him about working with Reiki and how it is really just another form of energy that science is just now starting to contemplate. That science hasn’t even scratched the surface of it yet. I asked if I could demonstrate it for him. He nodded again. So I had him hold his hands palms up on the table and put my hands just above his, but not touching. I ran through all of the Reiki elements I have been trained on, plus the 2 that have been “given” to me in more recent years. I finished by pumping pure love,  Ed Edwards style. As I did my half of the visualization I watched for his facial expressions. They ran through a whole array of expressions just like people that I’ve worked with do. When I finished I asked him if he felt anything and he nodded and whispered yes. I asked if he could feel changes or differences at points during what I did, and got the same response.

The first time I did that, that was where I ended (more like ran out of steam, it takes a lot of mental energy to do something like that). I repeated the exercise another time, and on the repeat with the Reiki I told him details about what I was doing and had him nod when he felt a change, so I could move on to the next element. At the end I told him about the pumping my love to him and he started crying. It startled me, so I never did it just that way again. I told Nathan about the crying and Nathan said it made sense to him, but I still feel bad about making the man cry. So much so, that now I just send general love to him and haven’t created that space since.


Somewhere in the midst of that time frame I had another dream, this would have been about October I think. Late last fall anyways.

In the dream I was telling Anya and Ian that I was pregnant. Nathan was sitting next to me on one side, and the man was sitting next to me on the other. As would be expected Ian was unfazed and wandered off to play. Anya however did the “but, but…” protest that I think all older siblings do, especially when they’ve had to help with youngers. I replied: “Well, it’s perfect really. You are your mom and Nathan; Ian is Nathan and me. This baby is me and (the man- I said his name in the dream). It’ll be a perfect blended family, and everyone that’s still alive is here. We’re all one happy family.”

That was where I woke up. I told Nathan the next morning, and he replied “Yeah, I knew that”. I said really, you couldn’t have filled me in. Nathan joked: “Well it seems I didn’t need to!” Geesh.


The kiss came shortly thereafter while I was driving. Just as vivid as the hug. I literally felt his lips touch mine.


I also had several instances where he was thinking about me and I felt it very, very intensely in my body. One of them we conversed about an hour afterward and he confirmed what I felt. There have been several lesser in intensity.


One dream, was a projection of the first time we’re intimate. It was so vivid that it is still surreal to think about. Obviously being a public blog I’m not going to give details on this one, for the sake of any minors that might come across this. However, it is so vivid that I look forward to finding out how accurate the visuals are. I’m pretty sure that if my visuals are accurate I could go clothing shopping for him. It was amazing and left me reeling  with perma-grin the whole following day.



More recently, in response to questions I’ve had, both Nathan and I have had visuals on his soon to be wife. We just wanted to know what she looked like, and how she acted, her general demeanor and disposition. I think we’ve gotten that answer.

I saw her sitting at a desk very focused on books and papers in front of her. Nathan got a similar vision. We both have seen her as very slender,  average height to tall-ish, almost like Anya’s current build. She seems quiet and I’ve only ever seen her hair up in a bun. She also seems very subdued and like she doesn’t want attention, but she’s very pretty. I feel like she wants platonic love (like parents and kids, or siblings share), but isn’t ready or interested in sex or other types of intimacy: because in my visuals she will take hugs every time, but shys away from other actions.

That’s ok, I just wanted to know. I don’t know why I want to know so badly, except for the fact that at some point she may be brought into my life by the man. I don’t like being blind-sided, and I feel like I would be more outwardly welcoming to her with some level of knowing- i.e. my actions try to meet her needs. Otherwise, I feel like if she is willing to deal with me and my family, and accepting of being family with us, then she is welcome anytime, and I’ll do my best to help her feel welcome.


Another vision I had sitting on the sofa watching TV. I literally glazed over watching TV, and started daydreaming. I looked down while in the daydream and saw the man’s head resting on my belly. I realized that he was listening for the heartbeat of baby. I reached down and felt his hair, and rested my hand on his shoulder.

It was a very brief visual, but one that made my heart swell. I felt an expansion of love that was very great and amazing.


Recently I have had moments where I felt like my cheek was being touched. I’ve felt sensations on my lips several times. I have felt hands on my shoulders. All very comforting. Those I can’t specifically say relate to him, but I think of him every time I feel something, so in a synchronicity sort of way, I do feel like they at least encourage thoughts of him.



Then there was the energetic interaction I wrote about in the 2 blogs: “The Why of Love” (June 30th) and follow up in “If nothing else my garden is doing great.” (July 1st). I literally heard him say “It’s not just me, it’s my whole family, my whole life, it’s everything.” I felt like we were having a conversation. One that ended feeling very good in another intimate type feeling interaction. Again very vivid and very surreal. That one was so intense I was almost in disbelief that he wasn’t in the room. It didn’t help that that particular interaction caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting it, and I was actually in the middle of doing something else when it started. It literally distracted me from doing part of my regular routine. I have yet to understand how I’m having such intense experiences with not a stitch of mind altering anything in my system, and especially when the subject at hand is thousands of miles away from me.


Lastly was the lunch meditation at work on July 27th. It was the really good day right before the 2 bad days (wrote about those in “help is on it’s way”). Anyway, I had intended to just have a quiet moment to recenter and ground a bit.

I seemingly slipped into deep meditation very easy on that particular occasion, and instead was drawn into more.

Right away I was taken by an intense visual of a peregrine falcon in dive. I know what this looks like because it was the logo for a small business I worked for at one point. However, in the meditation it was like a real peregrine was right in front of me, super vivid and super intense. That image was swept away by a view of mountains. I felt something on my neck and realized that I was being kissed from behind. I felt hands running down my shoulders and arms. It was nice. I felt a tug and stepped backward to follow it, the view of the mountains was a view from a very large window, curved at the top. The hands guided me backward and I felt the cool sensations of glass block on my back (something I’ve always wanted for the bathroom in the top of the dome). I knew I was in my dome house that I’ve always dreamt of.

The hands were the man. I could hear Nathan and the kids in the background (probably downstairs I inferred). We laid on the bed and I could feel the satiny sheets on my skin. It was so beautiful. I felt so beautiful. I felt loved. I felt peace and calm. I felt like everything was perfect, had gone perfectly, I was blissful. The interactions were all blissful. The breathtaking view was amazing and I just kept thinking this is it, this is the dome. This is Atira.

I know that the energy of that meditation was real, because the rest of the day everyone kept commenting on how good I looked, and complimenting me. What I intended as a quick 5 min grounding turned into a 20 min blissful vision of the future that left ripples for the rest of my day. The gratitude is still intense for me.


That is all of them. At least up to this point. I hope they do come true, but even if they don’t I enjoyed all of the moments. Every last one of them felt good, and still do. I can’t imagine that all of that feeling good doesn’t help. According to Abraham Hicks and Ms. Hay, good feeling visions like that are inspiration and lead to good manifestations in the future. So even if he doesn’t come back, something else good will. That I am going to hold on to, and use this as a reminder.

Finally, thank you for reading all of my ramblings. I know I use a lot of words and write a lot. Nathan teases me about it all the time, because I originally didn’t think I had anything to say that anyone else would want to read. Now I find that I’m mostly writing for myself and it’s a bonus that others find it interesting enough to read. That I appreciate very, very much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Keeping my dial tuned to my vortex. 

So today has been an interesting day.  I’ve looked at ALL of my interactions from the perspective of law of attraction.  Mostly with success, though some of the corrections were slow in process. 

I started the day draggy with not quite enough sleep to make up for shaperoning the  overnight teen lock-in & having worked on consecutive nights. 8 hours would normally have been enough, but not when already in a severe sleep deficit. I definitely need to get back on my sleep schedule. 

While eating my healthy breakfast of salmon & veggies, I listened to some pick- me-up music and Abraham YouTube videos. That helped.  I continued with that theme on  the way into the metro and by the time I got to work I was  doing great. 

A few moments (tv induced)  at work had me slipping. I confirmed with Nathan by text: 

“So to make sure I’ve got this down…. if fear based tv makes me feel very uncomfortable,  then it’s because what’s in my vortex is so very the opposite- right?…”
I was referencing an Abraham video I’d watched,  referencing the good things in your vibrational escrow and being very sensitive to vibrations. 

 It at least seems that I’m now getting a hang of understanding my emotional dips. All the causes and whys of the deviations.  Droopy makes me uncomfortable because I know I want more sleep. Fear based TV makes me uncomfortable because in my spirit I know there’s nothing to really be afraid of. My driving (right) leg hurting  makes me upset and uncomfortable because I know I want to drive less and work the muscles loose indefinitely. My low back hurting is an acknowledgement of needing  more core support, both physically and metaphorically. 

So all in all, it really was a great day,  even with the dips, because I now have a fuller understanding of this law of attraction thing and how my depression is way more controllable now. Not only can I see the causes in real time,  but I’m getting way better at correcting and heading things off at the pass.

I took the opportunity to interject some appreciation and things I want. 

I appreciate beautiful landscapes that country living provides. I appreciate beautiful flowers both intentionally planted and wild. I appreciate the quiet and natural sounds that proliferate in my rural experiences. I appreciate freedoms (lack of regulations)  that come with living rural (construction, land utilization options,  noise, waste management and utility options).  Here’s some feel good images I took yesterday with this in mind. 

Things I  appreciate about the city though (& why I want to live closer to the city) :

  • Easy access to all conveniences.
  • Fun things to do (zoo, amusement parks,  events,  music, entertainment,  skydiving,  laser tag,  museums,  etc.)
  • Restaurants, hotels, & other amenities…. airport. 
  • Everything being close together. 
  • Variety.
  • Safety through fire & other rescue services, & hospitals. 

I thought about how some of these things could be incorporated into Atira, but some would just simply need to be nearby to still be a draw. I’m feeling very powerful in my tuning of my attraction dial this evening.

So then I turned my attention to family. Again?! Right,  I know.  A bit of a broken record on that lately.  That’s what happens when you think somethings a sure bet and then it falls through.

Anyway,  Nathan and I had always hoped for that unicorn Bi-woman that would mesh perfectly with both of us.  A long shot, but worth looking for.  When my boy was talking to me,  and I was seeing things,  I thought we’d found a good second option: a man that meshed  perfectly with me, was comfortable with Nathan and family,  and bringing along another woman that might also be a wonderful addition (especially for Nathan).

Anyway,  I don’t want to negate that as a possibility,  especially since I felt so good about it. However,  I felt some clarity might be in order.  I want anyone coming into the family to know that Nathan and I fully expect to accept them as family, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex is required.  There are many poly families that have embraced someone that is platonic,  or only intimate with one person. It’s ok,  it’s whatever is needed. I know that Nathan and I talked about someone’s comfort level as being top priority. We want our chosen family to know that we love  and support them the best way we know how regardless of the details and daily interactions. 

It’s something I’ve been working on explaining repeatedly to Ian- usually in bite sized pieces in toddler friendly language.  I’ve told Ian many times that I love him and always will because he’s my son.  It doesn’t mean I’ll like him every minute of every day. I explained that when something’s happened like breaking something that’s not his,  I’m likely to be mad at him. There’s other things I might get frustrated over, because that’s me and my emotional responses. But none of that will last,  and I’ll always circle back to loving  him because he’s my son,  my family. Nothing really matters or lasts because I love him,  but he can’t expect me to constantly exude that 24/7/365 because I’m human too, I will have  bad days even when I’m generally in a good place.

I sincerely hope that adults added to  our family understand that.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be perfect, but if I make that kind of commitment I mean it. I’ll do everything I can to make it work and overcome obstacles.  And if there is a fight or butting of heads,  I know it won’t last. I will figure out a way to circle back to loving acceptance. 

Beyond that,  I’d love to have a woman willing to interact with me intimately,  but it’s by no means mandatory.  I’d be ok with my men. 

And the ability to participate sexually doesn’t necessarily determine beauty or love.  I think most women are strong and beautiful and deserve to be told so frequently. I think that is why I’ve fallen for even the ones that didn’t work out, and it’s ok.  What it means is that any woman willing to commit to our family has a place in my heart, especially if she is in love with a partner of mine.  That in a nutshell is compersion, finding happiness via the enjoyable experiences of your partners, even when not having participated in the experiences. And anyone causing compersion deserves to be loved.

So…. I’d love a Bi-woman, or a man & a bi-woman, or a man & straight woman, or a man & bi-woman & straight woman. 

The combinations are less important than the sense of commitment and loving as family. As long as I can love you and count  on you as my family,  that’s all that matters. You only sleep 1/3 of your life,  & most of that is actually sleep! It’s the daytime that matters more. HA Ha!

If nothing else my garden is doing great. 

You may have noticed a lack of updates about the physicality of our lives. It’s because there is precious little to report. I’m doing my best to not be upset about that.  It is what it is. “I am where I am and it is ok. It has to be because it’s all I’ve got. ” – Abraham Hicks

It’ll sort out in time,  especially since I’m staying buoyant more and more. I’m going with the flow more these days than previous,  so it has to improve eventually.

Anyway, in the meantime.  I’m enjoying garden happiness.

Radishes & herbs. The thyme & parsley are doing the best,  but I’ve got a little cilantro and sage as well.

The beans and snap peas did so so. & everything else is right in the middle of its growing season. 

My flowers are starting to be pretty…

& I’m enjoying watching the birds on the feeders,  but I’m apparently not even a decent wildlife photographer. So you’ll have to take my word for it. 

I’ve seen cardinals,  bluejays, other jays, nuthatches, your usual chicadees and finches. Momma Carolina Wren nested in the birdhouse again this year. Gold finches & orioles. There’s some kind of small brown & rainbow esque bird I see occasionally,  and lots of woodpeckers of a variety.  I’ve seen some beautiful barn owls & I can hear a great horned owl every night. Though a schreech owl can also be heard at times.

I’ve seen kestrels, peregrines, gryfalcons, some kind of dark hawk I think might have been a Harris hawk. Oh, and lots of vultures, there are about a dozen within a mile of home and they’ll often fly as a group.  The houses have been buzzed many times. It’s really neat. 

We had to fortify the coop from a raccoon that ate a few chickens.  Opossums, rabbits, skunks,  and squirrels abound. I thought I felt the big kitty watching us at night for a couple of weeks,  but even that sensation is gone now & I never did catch sight of her. 
Otherwise, it’s just peaceful and I’ve taken advantage of that a few times now. More time for introspection in a positive way. 

Finally,  on another note,  my post from yesterday: something else occurred to me. “It’s not just me, it’s my whole life,  my whole family”. Yes,  that is who we are in a nutshell.  It’s good to know all of that about someone.  It’s good to meet someone’s family to get a clearer idea of things, an understanding of motivations,  how someone is likely to interact with others, and even how they were raised so to see how it might affect life decisions and really everything about a person. It helps to know how emotions are shown, or not; expectations that are built into family  dynamics,  communication skills/ interactions,  and even basic functions of daily life. 

I’d like that very much.  I’d like to know all of that and more. I know that’s complicated though and may or may not ever happen with anyone at this point. 

  I met Anya’s mom’s family when I was still just “the new girl”. They totally disregarded me as anything to be concerned with until Amy got sick.  Yet after Amy passed they finally accepted me as a mom figure in Anya’s life.  Things are mostly ok now. 

I met Nathan’s family early on and they liked me right away.  It did provide lots of clarity and understanding and still to this day does at times. 

Nathan met my family.  I think they liked him fairly well as an individual,  but they were very forthright in their dislike of me choosing to marry him.  He was too old, too black, too poor, and previously married with a child is always a bad idea.  To this day I know that my family dwells on my marrying him as having been a bad choice. Yet 14 years later, 8 of marriage,  I’m still in love with him,  even with all the struggles and woes. If I could change one thing it’d have been more money, a lot more.  If 2 things,  it’d be more time freedom.  Neither of those would have changed my relationship with Nathan,  only made it easier to enjoy more time with him doing more exciting and fun things.

I personally think that even if we’re  somewhat astranged from family- as in my case, we never really escape the fragments and remnants in our psyche. It’s definitely an ongoing connection that shapes who we are as people. I have already thought through introducing poly life partners to my family. It wouldn’t be easy, surely very complicated, and  I’m certain it’ll go over pretty much the same as it did with Nathan. However, I also feel my family would have the right to at least know,  they raised me, they need to see how their influences turned out. But more importantly,  my partners have a right to know that same information.  My partners have a right to know the complexity of what they are committing to, because I am a sum of all of my life experiences and family  interactions. My family is inherently part  of me,  for better or for worse. I hope that Nathan and I will one day have life  partner(s) willing to go through the uncomfortable experience of meeting my family, and the slightly less uncomfortable journey of meeting Nathan’s family. It would go miles for helping us all understand each other,  but it would also show they are guinenly committed to being a part of mine & Nathan’s family. That is priceless. 

Love and Bro-mance

I love my husband. Very, very much. Last night I got caught in an illusion of fear.  Fear of losing him.  It was in the midst of a panic attack, which hindsight probably means I can drop my thyroid dose again. I’m testing  that theory today. 

Regardless,  the panic felt real.  It felt concrete.  It felt like impending doom.

Yet the positive side of  that was a strong desire to cling to him and tell him every thing that I love and charish about him.

I explained to him that all of my frustrations & upsets and none of them are enough to want to let go of him. I told him I loved his smile, his beautiful eyes, his strong arms. I loved his desire to right wrongs, his compassion. I love that he is smart and creative.  I love that he is kind,  gentle,  and a good dad.  I love that he is open minded and truly appreciates women. I love that he has stood up for women’s rights and done his best to help change the world. I love that he is passionate about certain things. And above all I love his desire to have  a great big loving family under one roof. I told him ALL the details about why I love him.

I said that I hoped one day we still get our poly family because I rather enjoyed thinking about the possible interactions when I thought we had partner(s) inbound. I told him how I knew there would be good times because he’s so easy going that if another man was in our lives he’d probably end up making such good friends that his bro-mance might overshawdow my loving commitment. 

I told him how I had already imagined that I’d go ask one of them to do something with me & that they would look at each other and say “sorry we already made plans to go do…”. It makes me smile and laugh to think of things like that.

I also thanked him again for being so strong to pull me out of dark places.  I thanked him for being understanding and being good with conflict (I  qualified that with: just work on your skills of verbalizing what’s in your head). I told him about how I figured he would be the best intermediary keeping our family together and talking  to one another.  He’s a good balanced ambassador & mediator. I also found light in his prospective reactions when I would have created some silly conflict because of my stubbornness (which is usually the case); he’d probably laugh at us and walk away to watch from a distance. The comedic possibilities are endless when acknowledging love at being the glue in a family. 

 Ultimately,  I really love my husband and I  hope to one day see all of our dreams come true. So today I focus on that, and him being happy and healthy. I will still think of those bro-mance moments,  but perhaps a little more generalized than when they first came to mind, and maybe there will be another woman too. That would be nice. 

Polyamory

So I haven’t written much about polyamory as a general topic because there are plenty of great resources on the topic.  It’s not nearly as much of a minority as one might think.

Anyway,  I found a pintrest post image I think fits well, & thought I’d share some of my more favorite links if  you’d like to learn more.

 Image courtesy of Pinterest

More good links: 

https://polyamory.dating/recommended-websites-about-polyamory/

http://www.lovemore.com/

http://www.polyinfo.org/ 

http://polyweekly.com/

 Nathan & I have personally met Morning Glory & Oberon Zell-Ravenheart & one other of  their long-term later life partners. Although Morning Glory has since passed away,  I highly recommend their writings, especially since they coined the term polyamory and the resulting geek joke  about it being wrong for combining Greek and Latin roots.

Courtesy of Wikipedia:

The word polyamorous came to prominence in an article by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, “A Bouquet of Lovers”, published in May 1990 in Green Egg Magazine, where it appeared as “poly-amorous”.

DesperateMEasures

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I’m sitting in the garden to write this. I struggle today. Again I thought all was well, going great in fact. Yet, today all my triggers hit me. In about 24 hours, I’ve been overwhelmed by money, time, desires vs reality, food (and my lack of ability to stay strict indefinitely), and a strong feeling that I’m not good enough to do what I want and need to do, not to mention that my family needs more from me than I can give and they seem to only care about me when they want something. My messages seem to fall on deaf ears.

Nathan says it’s all in my mind. He says he knows I’m struggling, and that it’s probably from my lapses in diet and sleep. I just don’t seem to know anymore.

Regardless I have done everything I could think of to pull out. Supplements, Thyroid med, good healthy food, gardening, even trying to spend time with Ian (though he didn’t seem to care, maybe that’s just his age talking). I’m basically shut down emotionally, and struggling to open back up. When I am in a work day I do fine, great in fact. Yet, my home days are as hard as ever to stay buoyant. Today I broke down twice, and I have resorted to my break in case of emergency herb, to keep from doing anything drastic. Right now I’m just at my wits end.

So, desperate measures, for me, myself, and I. I’m writing. Maybe if I get the feelings out, and follow it with something positive I can pull my brain out of this suck-tastic nose-dive of depression.


I feel: tired, sad, unsupported, unsafe, like I have no direction…. Like what I had intended to do, what I want to do, is yet again blowing up in my face, and no matter what I try I just can’t win. There are no good options, and the money flow is never great enough to catch up and make progress. Every time I get “enough” money it turns out to not really be enough because we’re always so far behind the 8 ball that it goes far to fast trying to overcompensate for the vacuum of things we need. I’m overwhelmed. I’m feeling like I don’t know whether to believe the messages or not- I’ve done the visualizing, I’m doing my best to have faith, yet I’m in this state again, with no tangible evidence that anything is actually improving.

Nathan pointed out that things are different because I’m in love twice over, that I have to find a new way of doing things. Damned if I know what that is, and “love isn’t a potato”- a  meal on the table or a safe, clean, comfortable home. Bonus I can’t get my daughter to do her chores, I can’t get the shipping container guy to get back to me with price quotes, and we’re burning through our savings trying to accomplish the little goals of life.

Nathan swears that he’ll do this or that, and I see some progress, but again it’s like the financial void, the hole was so deep I wonder if he’ll ever actually catch up and climb out.

I’m stressed, and I feel like I’m begging for a vacation I’ll never get. The summer is already well underway and I have no idea what to do with construction because I could dump another 5 grand just getting the rotten wood under control and new siding and not even touch the insides for another year. So I’m sitting- stalling, hoping the shipping containers would be a viable replacement and cheaper solution, if only he’d send me the damn info. Lost, forgotten, or like I’m the brunt of a cosmic sadistic joke. Like what if I’ve done all of these prayers, all of the visualizations, and God just wants me to continue to sit here poor as dirt, with no water and everything 5 times harder than normal people get. It’d all be for naught. I just don’t know. Feeling disconnected, like all my planning was worthless, but why I just don’t know. I lack clarity, understanding, none of the messages make sense to me right now. I think I know what they are trying to tell me, but how can it be true when I’m stuck in this never ending “Pete and Repeat” cycle. Having trouble trusting my intuition, and feeling like trusting could potentially screw me even worse.

Yep, that about sums it up. I may have missed a couple of feelings, but you get the idea.


Now for what I want…. I just looked up to see a female cardinal sitting on the bean trellis post. Then suddenly 2 male cardinals danced between the garden and trees, one landed on the bird feeder, and one in the tree. Maybe they’re here to tell me I’m headed in the right direction. I certainly hope so….

What I want:

Clarity, Understanding, Evidence, Validation. – I just need a nugget or two to help me stay buoyant. Something to drop out of the heavens and show me for real that there’s someone listening. Something that helps me to know what physical action to take. [Ms. Becky my massage therapist that I trade with tells me that when you feel this confused it is a good time to do nothing. But, if I continue to do nothing I feel like the savings of my tax return and what little else we saved will just continue to dwindle away a little at a time every time an ’emergency’ comes up.— Sorry that’s more of what I feel— focus Treasa.]

What is the next step? What actions do I need to be doing right now? Some divine messages on that, which could be completely clear and blatant in their meaning, would be awesome. Even if I’m waiting on divine intervention, there has to be some level of action steps I can be taking. Something to encourage the process. Right?

So lets shift, focus to those dreams of mine for a moment. This is actually an Abraham-Hicks exercise turned blog post. Lets assume (even though that idea just made me cringe-assumptions can sometimes cause problems) that the divine is about to intercept my dreams with some kind of huge miracle intervention. I do believe there is a god (and goddess), I do believe that some people get those big wonderful miracles, and I do believe that someone, something, or several of each has been listening to me and providing responses (regardless of my ability to interpret). So, if that’s the case my miracle is already on it’s way and I literally just have to hang on (for how long?).

So, acknowledge the message I got last week about letting go so the divine can do it’s work. Essentially, like a 2 year old nagging a parent for something and creating trouble before the parent can provide it, or an old man with dementia nagging the staff about another resident so they can’t actually go deal with the other resident [I had both in the same day]; I need to stop nagging about my woes and what I want, and find some peace and calm so the divine can do it’s job. Supposedly, the way to do that is assume the answer is being prepped and on it’s way, and then just amuse yourself until it manifests. (Ian sit and watch your shows and I’ll get you _____.) Abraham Hicks (via email) suggested spending time visualizing, expressing gratitude, and expressing appreciation.

 

Ok, So I’ve asked for:

Enough money to: not just rescue us, but all our friends and many homeless people- Atira Community. That’s a butt load of money. We’re talking Powerball when it’s hundreds of millions. That would be really nice. I have slowly built up quite the list of people I want to invite to help build Atira (literally give them jobs and homes). Most of them know they are on the list, but I wonder how many believe it is a possibility.

My family’s home as the centerpiece: 3 story Monolithic Dome home with crows nest on top- essentially a small patio on the top of the home. The home would be partially buried like a hobbit dome.

The 3rd floor room (because domes are curved, the usable space would essentially be one big room like a living room) would be the adulting room- no kids allowed. 2nd floor smaller bedrooms for everyone. I really believe that people should have their own room for autonomy, someplace that they can feel at ease and always have their chosen activities available, and it would also create an ability to escape when family life proves too challenging.

I envision that my room would have a small bed, massage table, drawing desk, and standard desk (for computer or painting palate), music corner, and easel. If organized well, I could fit all of that into a standard sized bedroom (10x10ish or variation- domes aren’t square).

In polyamory many families still share a room, and exchange places as desired. That’s why I have always wanted that 3rd floor adulting room. I would totally sacrifice the high ceilings usually offered by dome living, to accomodate 1 shared bedroom for intimacy without sacrificing my alone time and my alone space. [I often wonder if my lack of alone space is why I end up having days like today even when I think things are going great.] Thus, it becomes a priority, I now acknowledge that I like having loving intimacy, but at the same time, I need my retreat, someplace I can go to shut the world out for a bit, even if that means overnight as well.

Beyond that I’d like to see the family dome accommodate several bathrooms- multiple adults and gaggles of kids will necessitate that. It’s like having your extended family around 365 days a year. Most homes are not equipped for that many people all the time, so I want to make sure mine is, kitchen and living room included. Everything would need to be supersized and super organized and efficient to accommodate that. I do plan on inviting grandparents to Atira, but I will offer the choice of being in the family dome or in their own little home (I suspect all the GP’s will choose the latter).

Ideally my home will have a hot-tub as it has proven time and time again as valuable self-care for me. It keeps me going. I’d love to have a pool, but I’m ok with the pool being one of the last things we do after getting the rest of Atira built. The mission of Atira is more important than my desire to swim in my backyard. I will have pretty gardens though as all of Atira will have beautiful lush gardens.

The family dome would need to be smart technologically if for no other reason than to help us communicate and stay on the same page. We’ll have to have a home network and shared calendars and shopping list app. I also envision having roombas and the things that help keep showers and toilets clean. Dishwasher, and a great laundry room with a 2nd floor laundry shoot or dumbwaiter. It may seem stupid to go into that kind of detail, but existing for a decade without them, all while knowing those things would save lots of time and heartache, I can’t help but include them in the description of what I want.  All would be run by wind, solar, well water, and septic system. The point of our house would be to help create an easy to maintain environment that is energy efficient and kind on the environment, yet can accommodate a dozen or more people (depending on several factors that number might need adjusted).

Nathan wants a home theater (I’m not attached, and it may fall like the pool-after everything else). And there might be other accommodations based upon other family members preferences. These are merely the things I have contemplated over the years being poly-amorous and wanting to build this home and community.

I want calm, serene, organized, plenty of very adjustable and customize-able storage places, colorful (the whole rainbow in a very designer kind of way), modern, clean lines, shiny, new, good functioning, easy to maintain, comfortable, cozy, unique, with cat-walks and other pet friendly amenities (dog/cat doors, and pet-run outside). I like tile floors for durability and ease of maintenance, but woods floors are ok too. Area rugs for bedsides and bathrooms.

& the people in my life: I want good communication, cooperation, sharing-both in chores/duties and fun, caring, listening, helpfulness, affection, efficiency, openness, trusting, truthfulness, honesty, more tact (though I’m probably the one that needs the most work there), good discussions, intelligent choices, thoughtfulness. Balanced interactions, and able to work through conflicts when they arise (no family escapes conflict, and the more people in the family the more likely it is).  Everyone responsible for themselves (or their babies)- even older kids should learn to be responsible for their own rooms, belongings, and laundry. I imagine that family meals will function like co-operative houses, where main meals are planned and prepped cooperatively, and people take turns being in charge of that (the E-calendars will help with that).

“Can’t we all just get along?” I know these things are possible. I’ve seen poly families that figured it out for the most part. I just hope that my life can manifest it.

I can’t guarantee that I would suddenly have no more bad days with all of these things in my life, but I like to hope so. These things would essentially eliminate all of the things that are currently bugging me and bringing me down, eliminate all my triggers. If you solve all of the problems, it provides relief. It doesn’t mean there wont then be other problems to figure out later. There likely would end up being something else, probably several other somethings, but then again there would be more brains to brainstorm possible solutions, and more resources to throw at the solutions. So, even though “problems” are inevitable, the external factors of finances, understanding, and action would all be easier. That’s why I not only believe in polyamory, I love polyamory. More love also equals more support in every way. It helps with that love not being a potato thing: not so much in making love into a potato; but in that your multiple loves can help you find more potatoes, and then help cook those potatoes up into a scrumptious meal, and help serve that meal up to everyone present. Caring is sharing and sharing is caring. Loving more can literally create more abundance for everyone involved. I’ve seen it work for others and I look forward to it working in my life. I welcome my future poly-extended-family.



So, now I’ve given yet another glimpse of Atira. A more personal view of Atira. If the universe were only to give me enough of the money to buy land and build my home, I would still proceed with building Atira, it would just take longer. That being said the home is the most important for me, because that is the foundation, the root of why Atira is so important. My adult life has been full of challenges, which created an abundance of desires, and those desires are what created the idea of Atira Community as a whole. Just getting the house would essentially be the start of more hard work to make all of Atira an eventual reality. Once the root grows eventually there will be a beautiful plant overshadowing those original roots. Atira will be the same way. I could turn land and a house into the whole concept, it might just take me a couple of more decades to do so. Lets hope though that my miracle bypasses the decades. The sooner I accomplish the construction, the faster I can help lots of people.


Ok, so this ended up being a really long blog post. Apologies on that, but it has helped. I feel like I finally got some of the negatives out of me. (There’s a few still trying to fester.) And because I was intent on organizing my thoughts of what I want into a somewhat coherent readable blog, I really did focus well on the good things. I feel like I managed to shift my vibration a bit. There’s probably still some dietary remnants causing problems (why I didn’t completely shift), but at least the mental side, the basics were covered. I’m not as far down, I’ve stabilized. I foresee more salmon and supplements in my near future to get the rest. But at least I’m headed back up- mostly.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Thank you for giving my thoughts some time. Thank you for your kindness, and prayers are always welcome in whatever way you prefer. I really do appreciate that people from all over the world are reading my writings and giving energy to what I’m attempting to do. Even if people don’t necessarily agree with everything that I believe, I’m certain there are few that would belittle my dreams of helping others. I think most everyone would be on board with helping our society grow and showing caring to those that need it, and any positive thoughts or energy in that direction is only helpful. I hope that one day I will get to write many blog posts about that process unfolding and get to show what good things can be done with a lot of hard work and some divine intervention.

I am appreciative of my loving caring husband Nathan, he really does do a lot for me and tries very hard to support me in many ways. I am appreciative of my kind and supportive friends. I am appreciative of all of the kind words that have been expressed to me this year. I am very appreciative of being in love twice over- that is such an amazing wonderful feeling- I like to sit with the feeling when I’m in a good place, it amplifies everything wonderful. I am appreciative of the small miracles in my life- may the messages keep flowing and may I eventually understand them all. I am appreciative that there are spirits keeping watch over me, be they dearly departed or angels or both….  I am appreciative that people find my words worthwhile and that there may be many that find solace in my journey- may my words continue to help others. I am appreciative that I continue to win the battle and wake every day with 2 functioning hard working hands- able to keep helping myself, my family, and my clients. I am appreciative that I am intelligent and determined and that I have an amazing ability to endure- I am strong in every sense of the word. I am appreciative that my loving husband sees these things even when I’m low and does his best to help me in every way he can. I’m appreciative for my loving children and furry friends. I’m appreciative of this beautiful garden I sit in to write. I am very, very appreciative that I’ve raised my vibration out of desperation. Here’s to being able to give back- CHEERS!

Get to the root…

So, this week I’ve been contemplating a lot. I’m missing my new friend, but also some of my old friends. I’m also still fixated on my desires a lot. I’m just attempting to glean some understanding without necessarily ruminating, so my brain has been jumping around a lot to avoid over thinking things and creating a negative loop. It’s amazing how strong my desire to make sense of things is.

To that end I find that I’ve been arguing with myself as to whether or not I’m making the divine messages up. Like: “Really, do you really think there is someone or something that is using license plates and bumper stickers to communicate!”; followed by: “but it’s just a little too coincidence”, and on and on.

Then as if they’re listening to my brain (because I’m not saying all of these things out loud), whomever is trying to communicate with me has taken to commandeering my email box. Things that I’ve subscribed to for years, and google has directed to my social folder for the entirety of that filing system, are now “randomly” showing up in my primary folder. This morning was emails on the topic of desire versus expectation. The subscriptions were: Abraham Hicks daily mail, Seeds 4 Life Blog, and Brittany Walkins an EFT weightloss guru. all 3 I’ve been long time subscribers to, and 90% of the time they end up in either my social or promotions folder. This morning all 3 were in my primary folder and all 3 were essentially saying the same thing. I’ll quote the Abraham and Seeds 4 Life ones here (Brittany’s was a v-log):

The Essence of My Every Desire Can Be Fulfilled… If your time-space reality has the wherewithal to inspire a desire within you, it is our absolute promise to you that your time-space reality has the ability to deliver, in full-manifested form, the reality of the desire it has inspired. Any and all desires can be fulfilled unless you are holding yourself out of alignment with your own desire. The feeling of competition or shortage, or limitation of resources, means you are out of alignment with your own desire.

Excerpted from the book, “The Vortex, Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships”

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Upcoming Abraham Workshops:

Boston, MA – May 6    Stamford, CT – May 13    Buffal, NY- May 27

Desire Connects You With the Thing Desired and Expectation Draws It Into Your Life – Bob Proctor

by Johanna Rosberg

Desire is an incredibly strong and useful feeling. Whenever you think about your desires, it starts a connection within the universe. It puts you and your thoughts on the same frequency as what it is you desire; it creates an invisible wire between your energy and your desire’s energy.

That desire, and the invisible connection, is the start to getting the things you want in life. The next step is to plainly expect your desires and wishes to come true. You don’t need to understand how or why or when that will happen, you just need to expect it to happen.

To expect things to come true is the very key to actually getting them. It’s that expectation – that joyous sensation it creates within you – that keeps you on theRead more of this post

 

Now these 3 subscriptions are not my only subscriptions, they are just the only ones that got moved from essentially bulk mail to primary mail today. It is also not the only time it has happened. This has happened with other combinations of email subscriptions 3 other times this week. I find it interesting that the universe is literally emailing me using other people’s words. Every time the message is an answer to a question I had the day before.

So now I know that I need to move from desire to expecatation. Yet, I’m not entirely certain I know how to accomplish that. I know that yesterday after asking the question that this morning’s emails answered, I spent the day listening to EDM music to lift my mood up. It has worked, and I continue with that theme today. I need the energy of the music, on top of the positive messages that EDM usually carries. The mantras I normally listen to are very positive and helpful, but calming, sometimes too soothing. EDM makes me want to move, dance, jump. Very helpful, but I’m not certain it will accomplish moving into expectation!

So then I think about what am I to be expecting. Simply put- a miracle. Yet, it is much more complex than that. I am expecting many things to fall into place in just the right way so as to completely change my world.

In evaluating that I start to realize things, have epiphanies so to speak.

One such epiphany has to do with diet and weight. I’ve been analyzing what my body seems to be wanting. Essentially my body wants lots of nutrition and little calories or carbohydrate intake. I’ve been craving green drinks, alkaline water, minerals, and broccoli, things like that. And every time I consume something higher in calories or carbohydrates, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and searching for more. Then it occurs to me, my early childhood likely resembled my current eating habits. My mom did much the same as I’ve had to do with little Ian. She was unable to breastfeed after a couple of months, and also had to return to work not long after I was born. I was left in the care of my dad and older brothers with formula as the feeding solution. I’m sure that my dad was mostly attentive, but at the time he was working a job and taking evening classes for his  engineering degree. So, mom took care of me afternoon and early evening, and dad did late evening and night, with the boys taking care of me in the mornings. I suspect that my brothers were less than attentive, and dad probably covered the basics. So early in my life I was definitely consuming essentially protein and vitamin shakes (that’s really what baby formula is), and that was likely mostly happening during probably a 6 hour block later in the day. Now, if someone had explained to me decades ago that: the pattern set in the first 6 months of my life, combined with what we know of how we are nutritionally evolutionarily designed, essentially equaled green drinks, protein and minerals, with few calories consumed in the afternoon- that would have been problem solved before it even started. I’d already be in ideal physical condition. Now that I’m finally figuring this formula out completely, I have literally decades of conditioning (and weight) that I’m having to overwrite/loose, combined with what government agencies and food producers have convinced everyone is correct- which is pretty much the opposite. That analogy I’ve used before of an alcoholic having to live in the liquor store, now gets more complex because the alcoholic now has to fight his brain and every customer telling him that there’s nothing wrong with a drink at every meal, and standing there trying to tell well meaning people “no drink thanks”. So, now I’m faced with fully knowing the battle, but now the battle is even harder. Not impossible, just really difficult. Seeing the problem and the key to the solution is 2/3rd’s of fixing the situation. All that is missing is appropriate action now, and every day.

Another epiphany that I faced yesterday, through tears, has to do with the homeless man I wrote about last. I realized that the reason I am so passionate about helping the homeless and other portions of our population that have been brushed aside, is because I feel like that person. I feel like I’ve been brushed aside over and over, sometimes by our government, sometimes by family, sometimes by those I thought were friends. I feel like I have done my level best, and yet at every turn to have been stonewalled, misguided, and lied to. I did everything I was supposed to. I aced high-school, did all the extracurriculars, volunteered; I was 13th out of 77 graduating seniors, in a school where everyone excelled if they tried, because there was plenty of help and resources to be had. I went to college and proceeded to do the same thing graduating in 4 years with Honors from a Big 10 School, despite transferring colleges twice. I continued to volunteer, was part of student organizations, continued to perform, and at one point carried 21 credit hours while working full time (just to ensure being done in 4).  Yet once school was over all bets were off. That’s where the happy showering of graces stopped. I entered the work force at the height of the housing bubble bursting. People were losing jobs left and right and I was trying to find my dream carrier. It just did not compute. I still managed to survive on less than desirable jobs, I fell in love with Nathan and supported him and beautiful Anya through a very messy and painful divorce. And shit just got worse and worse instead of better. I love them both immensely, but sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that finding love screwed me over in other ways.  I definitely didn’t get my house, picket fence, 2.5 kids, nice car, and a dog. Now, feeling like the 2nd chance that I’ve yet to find for myself, is so vital for everyone, that I want to make it a possibility for as many people as I can. When I do finally figure out my 2nd chance I will make certain that I can do that for others, even if it ends up being one at a time. I think it is my purpose in life. I’ve always had a desired to help people, it’s why I went back to school for massage therapy, this epiphany only solidifies that and gives it a more specific and intense direction.

The final epiphany is a very personal one. Polyamory- why does my brain gravitate to that? Simply put it helps balance that equation of love. I spent so many years hiding from bullies, running from the memory of the attempted molestation, feeling like my parents and siblings were distant at best, but more likely disappointed in me, that I need to feel more love. I know logically that searching for love outside of myself is hazardous, but the love I give myself seems to be inadequately filling an ever hungry giant gaping void that is like the alien plant from “Little Shop of Horrors”. I honestly wonder if I sat giving myself love all day every day, if I would ever fill that void, and that’s with feeling a connection to the divine. That’s why every relationship I’ve had was in a goal to feel more love. As I wrote before, the one situation before Nathan was so that I would be able to tell mere physical interaction from a loving interaction. It did help me to feel the difference. Then the goal was to find another of those. Every person I’ve been with since falling in love with Nathan, was for looking to find that feeling of love. Some of them I did but to a lesser degree, some of them just weren’t to be at all. Now that I suspect I’ve found another like Nathan I find that I’m oscillating between ecstatic over the possibility of feeling that loving connection in person twice over, and fear of having that possibility taken from me. Having faced disappointment so many times, the last thing I want is more of that. However, I know I am strong. I know I will survive regardless. I’ve kept myself from suicide enough times and pulled myself out of depression enough times to know that I will survive. I half believe that I’m nearly immortal and will probably live well into my 90’s if not past 100. I will survive, and regardless of how, one day my emotional void and love equation will balance.

Yet all of these epiphanies bring me back to this morning’s email messages. How do I get from desire: a well thought out, detailed desire, consisting of decades of input; to Expectation?

ex·pec·ta·tion (via Google)
ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
    “reality had not lived up to expectations”

 

Belief huh… So today’s goal after Invoicing… find a belief place that these things will come to pass.

That:

I will get my second chance.

I will get to help others find their second chance.

I will have the willpower to stick to my new dietary knowledge and heal my body.

I will be able to build beautiful Atira.

I will be able to give my good friends jobs should they want them, and even homes too.

I will have a loving supportive successful poly-family.

I will have a beautiful comfortable Monolithic Dome home with modern amenities and with minimal impact to the environment.

I will be able to give back: to society, to the world, to people, to mother earth, to those that have stood by me over the years.

I will have LOVE in Abundance and Abundance in all things.

Those statements feel good. To find belief in them I think I’ll spend the afternoon visualizing all the details. Since Ms. Brittany was one of the emails I’ll do some EFT to help overcome some of my negative beliefs and expectations.

Goal: Positive Expectation. Wish me luck.

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