Tag Archives: make peace with yourself

Inner conflict despite iE

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Despite my learning moments of the previous post, I’m feeling huge contrast in myself right now which I’m struggling to gain control of: be fully and completely supportive of a good friend and keep my mouth shut, or risk hurting them by voicing my observations and opinions of the cosmetic procedure industry and how it probably relates to someone they know.

I’m likely to be in a situation in the nearer future where a friend would be introducing someone they know. Normally, I’m like cool, a new person to meet. In this situation, despite my best efforts, I’ve already made judgements about the person because of their chosen line of work.

On the surface we’re both in the same genre of work, being “healthcare” related (admittedly for both of us that’s a stretch in different ways). However, their chosen branch goes against pretty much everything I care about.

The particulars I’m not at liberty to discuss, but let’s just say their current position probably pays well, but involves getting a paycheck as a result of taking money from people naive enough to think that an “easy” medical procedure can solve their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-worth issues.

I have always distrusted cosmetic procedures because they are short sighted, and that was before I went to massage school, and well before they created several television shows over the addictive nature and risks of cosmetic surgeries.

I have seen many times over where people went in and suffered far worse than was implied going in. I’ve also known many people that went in for things that were supposed to fix X and either didn’t completely fix X, or caused problem Y. One of my best friends went under the knife to have breast reduction for back pain, and it left her with horrible scars, no sensitivity, and her back pain was not completely solved, then she gained weight overall and her breasts literally grew back part of the way. I’ve seen people go in to reduce post pregnancy loose skin and have repeat surgeries to correct scarring. I have worked on hundreds of people that went under the knife and then had lasting problems for decades, which they attempted to remediate with frequent massages.

Now add to that the new “gentle cosmetics” of kryotherapy and various laser treatments for fat, skin, and hair. None of these new procedures have been practiced long enough to know if they will cause any longer term concerns such as hair follicle regrowth defects, fat cell overgrowth, or heaven forbid cancer.

To me kryotherapy seems at best an expensive temporary solution, and at worst something that could lead to oversized deformed fat cells because people unwilling to change their diet will have bodies with fewer cells trying to manage just as large of a problem.

Cosmetic surgeries and procedures are called cosmetic because they don’t actually treat the root cause.

I don’t understand how anyone with self-respect could willingly do a job day-in and day-out for years, knowing not only are they not actually truly solving any problem, but likely contributing to addictive behaviours. Beyond that, I don’t understand how anyone can justify capitalizing monetarily off of another person’s self-esteem problems. I’ve seen too much evidence that those that enjoy working in such an industry either have self-esteem issues themselves and thus enjoy reaping the benefit of greatly reduced costs of utilizing services repeatedly, or really enjoy taking other people’s money for little effort. The former is sad to me, and the latter makes me say “really, there’s other more ethical ways to accommodate that”.

I may not have a perfect body, and I have not solved my health puzzle completely. However, I’ve gotten further on my own, than Western Medicine ever even tried to. If I had followed doctor’s advice I’d be like my one (nearly 400 pound) brother, over 300 pounds and popping pills left and right to continue to get worse and worse, fatter and fatter.

My God given body has full ability to heal and be as beautiful as I desire once I figure out the precise combination of things that God intended it to experience. I’m very close to figuring out that puzzle and with no help from any doctor, or nurse, or cosmetic anything or anyone.

That’s why I don’t wear makeup or shave. God gave me this gift and I was the one that misused it leading to excess fat and ill health. I am the only one that can change to allow for my body to return to it’s full splendor.

No one forced food down my throat. I’m the one that made those choices. I’m the one that cleaned my plate because Dad said so, even when I knew I was full. I’m the one that allowed society, friends, and family to dictate what was acceptable food, instead of listening to my inner voice. I’m the one that kept gorging on sweet baked goods, allowing my brain to become addicted, instead of reminding myself I didn’t need it. I’m the one that allowed other’s telling me I was fat, or stupid, or ugly to take hold on my brain. I’m the only one that allowed those experiences to affect my brain and body, and I’m the only one that can fix it. I’m the only one that can find real lasting solutions and align with God. Western Medicine can do blood work to help tell me what is off, but only I can make the changes to myself to help correct it. Only I can align with proper nutrition and the divine energy that heals everything.

In that acknowledgment I have to also acknowledge that every bit of my body is as God intended. If God didn’t want for me to have body hair, it would have been exempted from my genetics, I have worked on people that naturally had little to no body hair. I can’t find fault with things built into my genetics and still find the healing I seek- finding fault with any part of yourself only keeps you apart from the energy that created your self to begin with. Only by acknowledging the divine perfection of my body can I help align it to it’s original manufacture.

So, I’m in a conundrum of wanting to be supportive of a friend and thus accepting of someone they find value in. Yet, I’m struggling to find that value, because my only knowing of them is the one thing that goes against my core beliefs and causes me to doubt their character.

I’m totally over superficiality, and to me the cosmetic industry has caused an epidemic of superficial people.

This is one conundrum I’m not sure if I can wrap my brain around. I want to be supportive because I do care about my friend. I may just end up being very quiet when I finally meet this other person. Alas, that will be on the friend’s terms because I’m still not texting until I have something to respond to. I’m not the only one that knows how to use technology to communicate.

May you have an easier time finding value in others even when you don’t agree on things. May you build strong friendships. May you experience God in your life and know your own value. May you have a deeper understanding of yourself and others, and a truly deep experience of life in general.

Siva Hir Su

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

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So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

Reaching for God’s View of Me

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Theme song for this post 😆: https://youtu.be/x-EVWQAsZNA

That’s me at a Crows coffee, and that’s my post-work decalf almond milk mocha. I took a sip before realizing the barista had made a heart in the foam, and then wanted to capture it despite the deformity… first world problems right.

A new friend told me I needed to work on myself without being too hard on myself. I asked him to define that, and he fed me some of my own past advice: meditate and do things I enjoy. That was inspiration for the coloring and whatnot this week. It was very needed and I’m very appreciative of the reminder.

It stirred in me today many thoughts. I have to say after a segue into fantasy world which I got an interesting energetic kick back, I realized I needed a moment of how do others see me. Nay, I needed a moment of how does God see me. (By the way “your own personal Jesus” just started playing on the loud speakers at Crows. Te he ☺️.)

To that end; a long time ago I read a post from another blogger that was a mirror writing exercise. I thought I had already done such an exercise, but can’t find my old post to link to, so I’m going to start over with the selfie above as my mirror.

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This woman in front of me, young, but with slight sprinkling of white hair implies having really lived in few years. It also denotes an acceptance of her own tawny hair, which the sun seems to bring out slight rosy highlights within the strands. I see vibrant soft skin with round plump rosy cheeks, a warmth that comes from within. Rich earthy eyes glazed with a slight moisture is creating an appearance of fatigue being held at bay by that inner fire. I see the determination to keep going. The gentle smile on her lips seems to give off gentle happiness or perhaps some reserved emotions mixed with joy. Head held high, carrying an air of confidence. Though no makeup covers any portion of this face sprinkled with slight blemishes, there is still beauty, and despite being late in the day her appearance is still tidy. This is natural raw beauty, unadulterated, just as God created. Additionally, she wears colorful beads and a Halloween scrub top. Seemingly contrasting, yet fun and whimsical. I know they are outward expressions of elements of her personality. The willingness to show her rawest self, with care, is a quality of strength. Strength of independence, strength of acceptance of her own very unique self. That kind of strength comes from a sense of self, an inner knowing, likely from facing demons many times over.

It takes guts to be completely yourself in a society bent on conformity and homogenized blandness. A society aimed at convincing the masses that a very small fragment of slim, large breasted, tanned, makeup covered, body-hairless women are beautiful. This woman is anything but that, yet still secure and confident in what she really is.

…. [I ask God to help me word non-physical views of me]….

This womans’ strength and confidence have grown so much that she now carries an air of compassion for others still fighting their more plentiful demons. Everyday she fights battles to help people to relax back into their own God given bodies.

She has a kind and gentle heart and she does her best to share it with those that will let her, even often sharing it with those that refuse her. Despite many hurts over her lifetime, she continues to fight her demons to push anger, fear, and hatred as far out of her being as possible. Her fight is to reach the light of God, to feel God’s grace. Her goal to show others how possible it is. She wants to heal herself completely to be an example of how even the most difficult battles can be won.

Her body still shows the journey, as losing nearly 100 pounds doesn’t disappear instantly. Though fatigue sometimes rips at her convictions, she inherently knows she is proud of her saggy skin and stretch-marks, as they are proof of her victories. Besides, there is still more journey left to do, and surgery might make that shorter, but then the victor is somehow less noticeable from her perspective. The slower route leaves much more evidence of her “I did it my way” & “HA, I win”.

Her strong hands heal others daily, and despite wishing for all of those caresses to be on her own skin, she knows it’s her path.

She gives of herself constantly, striving to help God make this world better each day. Wanting to teach by example, that we can all change for the better. She gives time, she gives intellectually, she gives physically through labor, she gives emotionally and energetically, she gives monetarily when she can. Though she often feels like she has little to offer, she really offers far greater each and every day than anyone ever acknowledges, because no one person sees all of her gifts. She gives everything of herself, especially when she sees commitment in return. When those around her step up, she gives doubly, even at risk to her own well being. She hopes one day to experience some sort of validating ripple effect of her efforts, or even see the good results once across the rainbow bridge.

She remains committed to her husband and children, and wants nothing more than to have others join her family. She sacrifices in many ways great and small, just to keep her family well cared for.

She strives to be a great ally to anyone needing one, and does her level best to respect and honor those that helped her from the past.

All of this, and she still aims to care for herself. She still wants to have fun and play. She still enjoys letting her inner geek or musician or artist fly. She still dreams big and fends off becoming jaded. She still holds out hope for her home country and her world to reach for better, for equality and acceptance, and to protect people’s rights. She knows we can do it together if we just practice simple concepts and support each other.

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This strong, loving, emotional, supportive, healer is very appreciative that you read my moment of reaching for a broader view of myself and my efforts.

I wish for you to have a similar moment. It helps to step back and reword things from the perspective of what God might tell someone about you. Even if we’re not entirely accurate or forget things, it still helps to take a break from being too overly critical of yourself.

May you see your beauty. May you see your strengths. May you see your effect on this world. May you appreciate yourself a little more. May you always understand and appreciate that God loves you just the way you are.

We are all accumulated experiences of a human body, powered by God force, and sustained by God’s grace. Know you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Siva Hir Su

Awe and amazement…

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Nathan and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We’ve been together over 16 years. Anya was born over 14 years ago, and her mom left us over 13 years ago. I very much enjoyed her early childhood, but often felt like I wasn’t as much of an influence as I would have liked to be. Nathan has always sworn otherwise.

Tonight I really truly saw myself in my children and it was wonderful.

I really saw Ian and his thought processes. It was an “I discovered mini me” moment. He was getting frustrated because I said “I love you” followed by “I want to set my seat-mat”. I walked him through in painstaking detail how those are 2 separate concepts, the pause shows that, and they were not any bearing on his intelligence. I explained I know he knows how to push buttons and turn things on and off and even to change settings. I then explained how I know he’s learning to read, but he just doesn’t know the words for those settings yet and it would be faster for me to set it, than teach him how.

Essentially, he had thought that my 2 sentences meant I thought he couldn’t set my seat, like he was unable. As soon as I explained it the long way, he understood it was just he hadn’t gotten that far yet. My son, detail oriented just like me. Super intelligent just like me. Eager to learn, just like me. Impatient with himself, just like me. Super sensitive, just like me.

I told him that learning is like telling your brain I love you. The more he learns things the happier his brain will be. It’s a start… that will eventually be breaking curves, just like me.

Then Katherine decided to join the fun. I watched my 17-month-old run and sidestep an object without breaking stride. I watched her then do a pratfall in a perfectly clear area and laugh at herself. Then minutes later she demonstrated being able to climb the baby gate. She even demonstrated fine motor skills of putting a spoon part way through the slots of the baby gate and pulling it back. She tried to feed one of the kitties with the same spoon.

She made me sound out words by intently watching my mouth and then jabbing my lip for emphasis. I could see how intently she was focused on learning everything as fast as she possibly could, just like me.

As I sat eating my evening treat: almond butter and cashew butter mixed with a bit of honey, she climbed up on my lap and pointed at it and then her mouth, just like “Simon’s Cat“. I proceeded to give her as much as she wanted. I explained to her: “Uh oh, and I break all the rules: you’re not supposed to have any of these until you’re 5”. I thought that’s so silly, they have no idea how healthy these are for people.

I told her the nuts had nutrients that helped her use other nutrients, and healthy fats that help fix broken cells and build a great brain, and the sweet honey gave energy to do everything.

I then marveled at how on Earth could anyone actually believe that those are unhealthy foods.

Those are essentially first foods, the human race has been eating since the beginning of mankind on this planet. We have been conditioned over millennia that those foods sustain life. It’s only with modern problems that people’s bodies have been trained to think those items contain negative triggers.

Peanuts alone: a major anaflactic allergy was 1 in 100,000+ only a couple/few of decades ago. Now it’s 1 in 140, and a major portion of that escallation has happened in the last 10 years. Answer yourself how are our bodies being told that peanuts are so bad?

Nuts, fruits, and meats were first foods, and honey was the first sweetener. It amazes me that people have been trained that honey for babies will kill them. It is true that honey can have minute traces of botulism toxin, yet that toxin is what we inject in large quantities in adults for everything from puffy lips to migraines. There have been a rare few cases of babies that have died where honey was introduced just before their death, but no smoking gun to prove that’s what killed them. I’m going to point out here that either those babies were exposed to higher levels of botulism than normal (which can happen a number of ways), or they had very weak systems that would have struggled against nearly everything in their environment. The cases are sad but no reason to rule out honey as life sustaining food.

I have always fed my children Earths first foods and will always continue to do so. Yet I strive to keep as many man-made chemicals out of their bloodstream as possible. None of my children have suffered, and by my awe and wonder this evening- I know that they are flourishing.

I am ever so grateful that I have the knowledge and intelligence to have this experience. I am extremly grateful for my guiding connection to the divine that helps me see both the path to, and the results from, a moment like this. I am grateful that my children are just like me, regardless of money in the equation, it will get them far.

May you see the blessings in all your qualities. May you see the best of your children and be able to help them learn and grow on a path of least resistance. May you feel the love of the divine, and the guidance to give your children the best chances in this world. May you find full understanding of yourself and how wonderful it can be to help another little being discover this world.

Be well and be loved.

Siva Hir Su

Heisenberg?!

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So this week has been interesting. Mostly ok.

The activities job wanted me back, but they acknowledged why I changed in the first place and asked me what my realistic request would be to take the position back. I consulted with an acquaintance, my husband, and did the math up one side and down the other. I knew my number was way out of reach. Essentially to take the job back and have a solid day off, they would have had to pay me $24 an hour to compensate for lost massage wages. Since I knew that was way out of reach, I decided I would come down a bit and try to do some of my massage in the evenings to eliminate having to release all of the one days’ wages, but still have a day off. The compromise was still $22.50 an hour. I figured that was still out of reach, but I gave them my honest carefully calculated answer.

Their response was that they appreciated me and would love to have me back, but couldn’t go quite that high. I said thank you and that I understood.

Then today, I had a really good day with a full massage schedule and everyone left with good comments on certain things I had done. Plus there was good tipping to be had. One person said it was the best massage she’d ever had, and another asked me what I put in the oil because it made her so relaxed she felt loopy. She confessed that she doesn’t get massages often, so since she loved it she’d be back, but wasn’t sure when.

As I was telling Nathan about my day, he said so you’re like Heisenberg then.

I replied “Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle?!”

He said “I’m not sure if that’s where it came from, but I was referencing the main character in Breaking Bad when he called himself Heisenberg to have a cool name to use for his cover, so that people would know he’s really good because he knew his stuff.”

I said ok and then explained what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was. Then said aloud, I guess it’s not everyday you hear a massage therapist explain particle physics. Then acknowledged I hadn’t put any brain space into that concept for over 15 years. It was a moment of wow, but damn my brain really does latch onto everything for good.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that Nathan’s show analogy is probably accurate, but in an odd way, even the principle itself kinda applies. Either way you look at it, I know my stuff. I’m good at whatever I give my attention to, and for the first time in my life I’m finally beginning to acknowledge that for myself. That feels really good.

May you all find your moment of self appreciation.

“Ugly live up on the inside. Ugly be a hurtful, mean person.”― Kathryn Stockett

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“I realized I actually had a choice in what I could believe.” ― Kathryn Stockett

Those two quotes.  They hit home for me just now.  I have been that ugly person. I have been hurtful,  mean, belligerent, even violent at times in my past because of  depression. The darkest place of a scared-hurt-traumatized person lashing out for fear of being hurt more.

Yet, a small desperate part of me wanted relief,  wanted healing,  wanted improvement,  wanted to see my own beauty.  I wanted it so badly I kept stumbling through life, forcing myself to keep going,  picking up pieces of a puzzle, hoping that eventually they might fit.

Now I see. 

I see that I took the path of more resistance in life,  but I’ve still found all my puzzle pieces. I finally found everything that makes me be the beautiful light person I so desperately wanted to be and see.

 It’s a seemingly difficult puzzle that I’m having trouble keeping together. It seems like all the pieces want to keep falling apart,  but really I just need to glue them together with a little something I think is called self-worth. 

It’s the value I place in myself, which makes myself so important that I’ll do anything to keep those pieces together so that I’m always the beautiful whole person I know I can be.

I just need to make myself so important that doing what’s right for me and my body is more important than anything else. 

 More important than being on time,  more important than making another appointment,  more important than helping others,  more important than even keeping my family together.  Because without me none of the other things would even exist.  All of the other things are merely elements of a large illusion of which I agreed to participate.  If I exit from the game,  the game would continue with other players. 

So, if the other elements/things/people are important to me, I still need to put myself first to be able to be there for them.  To be able to experience them.  If I lose myself to the ugly again,  or worse: exit the game, then everything else either falls apart or is reconstructed substituting other players.

I am what’s holding my view of this illusion together.  

I am most important.

I must value myself enough to keep the puzzle glued together and maintain my beauty so that the world begins to reflect that beauty. 

They say it gets easier with time and practice.

I like feeling beautiful,  and I like feeling loved. I like feeling like I love myself enough to put myself first and allow the universe to reflect that beauty back to me. I like that all, so much, that my glue gets stronger every day. I know that one  day the glue will be so strong it’ll be easy to pick up my puzzle and carry it anywhere I want to go and show everyone how beautiful I am for figuring out my puzzle. That will be a great day.

Maybe then I’ll be able to teach others how to take a path of less resistance to find their puzzle pieces and glue them together. That would be an even better day. 

Thank you Abraham.

 Thank you Shiva/Shango/Cuernnuos. 

Thank you Brighid/Kali/Kuan Yin.