I ate all the things. Save for one bell pepper: my brain remembered they make me wheeze and I told it “I’m sorry, I really like you, but I would like to breathe for now.”
I enjoyed every bite of comfort.
I gorged until my belly was midly sore. I felt fat, but I already gave into that. I am, despite efforts for years to the contrary, I might as well enjoy it for the moment. I might change my mind later if God let’s me live longer, and that’s okay.
I hugged my husband tight, who knows how many more of those I’ll have with the deal I just made (see last post).
I won’t go to doctors again unless they drag me in an ambulance, and even then I doubt they’ll truly fix anything, just buy some time. That’s all Allopathic medicine ever does, even though they scare you into thinking otherwise.
I smelled the roses, they were from my last tiff with Nathan. It was induced by an allergic reaction to tasty food combined with a mental trigger ingrained by childhood experiences. Hopefully, it will be my last tiff with him, but hopefully there will be more flowers regardless.
I really looked for what I want right now.
I couldn’t find an answer beyond wanting comfort and high vibrational stuff, and thought that somehow those were not the same thing.
I sat in my car for my lunch break, planning to take my usual walk around the pond. I decided to play with my camera on my phone and got distracted with selective focus. Now I write this. There’s 30 min left, I’ll wrap up and get a short walk in.
May you just give up and enjoy what you have right now. May we all quit fighting and trying to be right or make others wrong. May we reach for living the best we can not knowing how long we have. May you appreciate all the things. May you understand all the things you aren’t supposed to do, eat, be, say; they’re all because someone else decided they were bad. Sometimes there isn’t a solution, and we all die eventually, was it worth it if you never enjoyed what you ate or did? What if you hurt others along the way, too many times to count? There is a happy medium you can reach for on pretty much any topic. Do what you want as long as it reaches for good and for better, and sometimes that is enjoying food, and sometimes that is reaching for a healthy alternative. May God help us live enjoyable lives even when we do something wrong, and may God help us right our wrongs. May you find peace and know you are loved and supported.
I found my tree at Minor Park this afternoon after work. It’s cooler than it has been, but still quite beautiful.
Now I sit trying to ground and find relief.
I’ve had 3 moderately heavy days, they ended up not as heavy as expected because some of my clients didn’t get their reminders. It seems it might be a glitch in the system.
Regardless, I have mixed emotions on that. I’m glad the work load was manageable, but I could really use the extra cash to save for that treatment and a half dozen other somewhat vital things I’ve yet to pay for, taxes being one. You can only stall so long before they come after you.
Anyways, I’m grateful because I have been trudging through energetic muck and negative thoughts. It has made me feel like even the manageable work load was too much.
I know it’s not all mine, but every time I ask the angels to clear for me it is temporary relief. And I suspect some is mine, but not in the usual way, and I’m perplexed on how to fix that.
I suspect some is my father, that whole digital stalking thing, every time I make a comment about his unsavory behaviors and demeanor throughout my childhood, the negativity intensifies. Yesterday was downright oppressive and I had written the post with a minor comment about his abusiveness the night before. I just wish that if it is him, either he or I would die so that I could be free of it. At the moment I know I don’t care which, but also know I should care.
Additionally, based upon intrusive thoughts I have had flood my brain despite efforts otherwise, I suspect some may be either my mom, or the sick friend, or both. Those thoughts center around ending suffering and going home, and it makes my battle against the negativity that much harder. I’m fighting tooth and nail just to stay functional.
I suspect some to be the American man I am in close proximity to on a regular basis. The one I wanted but was turned away by. I feel him energetically and care for him, and I know my concern has caused me to feel emotions from him before. Yet, this time he’s either hiding it really really well, or my perception is off. Perhaps I am picking up on a side tangent not really related to our interactions, or what I am feeling I have horribly misinterpreted. Either way, his outward demeanor when I have been in proximity is nothing like what I am feeling, but I have noticed a correlation between proximity to him and intensity of what I am feeling.
There have also been random, perhaps not random, thoughts about several others in my past: SJ, Rajesh, Hannah, and they have all carried massive waves of negativity with them, despite major efforts to focus on the positives. The moments I do manage to shift focus onto the positives it makes my heart burn so strongly I feel sick. It is frustrating me intensely because most of these people have a place in my heart. I have had many moments with all of them where love and appreciation were the focus. Yet, right now the way I’m feeling and what I’m working through makes me wish I could erase it all.
All I know for certain is the thoughts and negative waves left me in tears for most of the last two days, and I would have loved for any one of them to apologize and hug me. As it is only 2 of them were within reach and I didn’t dare say anything to either because I feared the response of the man and didn’t want to add to the friends’ challenges.
And that brings me to the final possibility of my own mess. Usually a downturn like this would imply thyroid imbalance. Yet, I am doing everything right and taking everything in a system that works. Yet, I literally had a moment where, while working I felt extremely exhausted like I was going to fall over, but my heart was actually beating slightly faster than average, but not racing. If I was low on thyroid meds/iodine my heart rate would drop with the exhaustion and be extra slow. If I was high on thyroid support, I would have a racing heart rate and anxiety. Not a combination of the two. These are well known to me because I have had direct experience with it all.
So then, I cycle to the damn chronic virus infection I finally labeled. Because I can’t afford the IV treatment yet, I upped the anty at home. I have been taking extra colloidal silver, olive leaf, grapefruit seed extract, much larger doses of vitamin C, oral peroxide doses, and the immune support mushroom complex. All intended to kill the effing virus and anything else that might be dogging me long term. Potentially, my past two days could be partially or wholly, because I am slowly killing a decades old infection that has commandeered cells in my body, which ultimately means I am killing those cells. The cells are merely innocent bystanders that were captured by the virus and are now collateral damage. My body could simply be very angry from the dieing cells, resulting toxins, and a virus desperate to stay alive.
Detoxing always affects a person’s mental state and often causes extreme fatigue, as well as a whole host of other possible symptoms. If that is the case I’m winning in the long run, but the short term doesn’t really seem like it.
I have used this system to kill the flu, sinus infections, and other respiratory colds several times over the last decade. So now my only question is why didn’t it kill this virus when I was killing the others? Why is it finally working on this chronic infection? Is it merely because I triggered the acute phase 3 weeks ago, or is it because I finally got healthy enough that only the chronic infections are what is left to fight?
I’m really not sure I even need all the answers. Ultimately, I just want that carrot of full health. I just want to feel good again. I certainly want energy levels and mental stability to return so that I can do my job regardless of how many appointments I have on the books. And if the others are energetically invading my space, then I really need them to let go and leave me alone. I certainly don’t need anyone that rejected me causing me additional hurdles to jump over just to exist maintaining my life.
Healthy, happy, energetically sovereign self. That’s my goal and biggest desire right now.
May you find your own healthy, happy, energetically sovereign self. May you see solutions. May you know how to handle exhaustion when faced with the inability to sleep. May you know you are overcoming your challenges. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that everything works out in the end. It’s all okay.
Mom visiting brought with it a revival of music we enjoyed together when I was a child. Pandora was my avenue to access such music easily. We did Beatles radio, Billy Joel radio, and Chieftains radio. It was really good to revive music memories with mom.
One song struck me as I sang the lyrics by heart like I just listened to it last week. Billy Joel’s “Always a Woman to Me” (see YouTube link if unfamiliar).
The lyrics to that song are just in me. Solid. I didn’t even have to think about it, and I haven’t heard that song for probably several years now. I own quite a bit of Billy Joel’s music, but it just hasn’t been in my heavy rotation for a long while.
I realized that the song is two-fold for me. One is that it is how I see my mom. Every line fits her ‘to a T’. She is an amazing being to me, even her faults and shortcomings. I love her very much in all her ways.
Second, the feminine half of me mirrors that. I think it is mostly because of prior thoughts I’ve mentioned, on the fact that I am a blend of my parents, on top of being bisexual. So the feminine half mirrors my mom. Yet, now I wonder. Is it possible that a song so ingrained in my psyche contributed to the development of my character? Is it simply that easy? I owned the lyrics so completely that it contributed to manifesting those traits? I don’t know really. It seems it may have played a part, but I prefer to believe that I felt the song was a good description of mom and I wanted to be like her and be loved that strongly.
The masculine half of me, well that is a whole different story.
Either way, I still love the song to this day, and now I see how it describes me too. I appreciate that immensely.
May you have moments of appreciation for self. May you see mostly good qualities and even love your flaws. May you understand how your life built your self. May you love those things that enabled you to come into your own being. May you appreciate every element of your path of life. May you see that God loves you just the way you are, flaws and all. May you have many manifestations of all of it in the best ways possible.
Siva Hir Su
She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes She can ruin your faith with her casual lies And she only reveals what she wants you to see She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you And she’ll take what you give her as long as it’s free, Yeah she steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants She’s ahead of her time Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in She just changes her mind, And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding But she brings out the best and the worst you can be, Blame it all on yourself ’cause she’s always a woman to me Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants She’s ahead of her time Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in She just changes her mind, She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel She can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool But she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree And the most she will do is throw shadows at you But she’s always a woman to me