Tag Archives: make peace with yourself

Results of giving up.

I ate all the things. Save for one bell pepper: my brain remembered they make me wheeze and I told it “I’m sorry, I really like you, but I would like to breathe for now.”

I enjoyed every bite of comfort.

I gorged until my belly was midly sore. I felt fat, but I already gave into that. I am, despite efforts for years to the contrary, I might as well enjoy it for the moment. I might change my mind later if God let’s me live longer, and that’s okay.

I hugged my husband tight, who knows how many more of those I’ll have with the deal I just made (see last post).

I won’t go to doctors again unless they drag me in an ambulance, and even then I doubt they’ll truly fix anything, just buy some time. That’s all Allopathic medicine ever does, even though they scare you into thinking otherwise.

I smelled the roses, they were from my last tiff with Nathan. It was induced by an allergic reaction to tasty food combined with a mental trigger ingrained by childhood experiences. Hopefully, it will be my last tiff with him, but hopefully there will be more flowers regardless.

I really looked for what I want right now.

I couldn’t find an answer beyond wanting comfort and high vibrational stuff, and thought that somehow those were not the same thing.

I sat in my car for my lunch break, planning to take my usual walk around the pond. I decided to play with my camera on my phone and got distracted with selective focus. Now I write this. There’s 30 min left, I’ll wrap up and get a short walk in.

May you just give up and enjoy what you have right now. May we all quit fighting and trying to be right or make others wrong. May we reach for living the best we can not knowing how long we have. May you appreciate all the things. May you understand all the things you aren’t supposed to do, eat, be, say; they’re all because someone else decided they were bad. Sometimes there isn’t a solution, and we all die eventually, was it worth it if you never enjoyed what you ate or did? What if you hurt others along the way, too many times to count? There is a happy medium you can reach for on pretty much any topic. Do what you want as long as it reaches for good and for better, and sometimes that is enjoying food, and sometimes that is reaching for a healthy alternative. May God help us live enjoyable lives even when we do something wrong, and may God help us right our wrongs. May you find peace and know you are loved and supported.

Om Shanti

Drowning in the barrage.

I found my tree at Minor Park this afternoon after work. It’s cooler than it has been, but still quite beautiful.

Now I sit trying to ground and find relief.

I’ve had 3 moderately heavy days, they ended up not as heavy as expected because some of my clients didn’t get their reminders. It seems it might be a glitch in the system.

Regardless, I have mixed emotions on that. I’m glad the work load was manageable, but I could really use the extra cash to save for that treatment and a half dozen other somewhat vital things I’ve yet to pay for, taxes being one. You can only stall so long before they come after you.

Anyways, I’m grateful because I have been trudging through energetic muck and negative thoughts. It has made me feel like even the manageable work load was too much.

I know it’s not all mine, but every time I ask the angels to clear for me it is temporary relief. And I suspect some is mine, but not in the usual way, and I’m perplexed on how to fix that.

I suspect some is my father, that whole digital stalking thing, every time I make a comment about his unsavory behaviors and demeanor throughout my childhood, the negativity intensifies. Yesterday was downright oppressive and I had written the post with a minor comment about his abusiveness the night before. I just wish that if it is him, either he or I would die so that I could be free of it. At the moment I know I don’t care which, but also know I should care.

Additionally, based upon intrusive thoughts I have had flood my brain despite efforts otherwise, I suspect some may be either my mom, or the sick friend, or both. Those thoughts center around ending suffering and going home, and it makes my battle against the negativity that much harder. I’m fighting tooth and nail just to stay functional.

I suspect some to be the American man I am in close proximity to on a regular basis. The one I wanted but was turned away by. I feel him energetically and care for him, and I know my concern has caused me to feel emotions from him before. Yet, this time he’s either hiding it really really well, or my perception is off. Perhaps I am picking up on a side tangent not really related to our interactions, or what I am feeling I have horribly misinterpreted. Either way, his outward demeanor when I have been in proximity is nothing like what I am feeling, but I have noticed a correlation between proximity to him and intensity of what I am feeling.

There have also been random, perhaps not random, thoughts about several others in my past: SJ, Rajesh, Hannah, and they have all carried massive waves of negativity with them, despite major efforts to focus on the positives. The moments I do manage to shift focus onto the positives it makes my heart burn so strongly I feel sick. It is frustrating me intensely because most of these people have a place in my heart. I have had many moments with all of them where love and appreciation were the focus. Yet, right now the way I’m feeling and what I’m working through makes me wish I could erase it all.

All I know for certain is the thoughts and negative waves left me in tears for most of the last two days, and I would have loved for any one of them to apologize and hug me. As it is only 2 of them were within reach and I didn’t dare say anything to either because I feared the response of the man and didn’t want to add to the friends’ challenges.

And that brings me to the final possibility of my own mess. Usually a downturn like this would imply thyroid imbalance. Yet, I am doing everything right and taking everything in a system that works. Yet, I literally had a moment where, while working I felt extremely exhausted like I was going to fall over, but my heart was actually beating slightly faster than average, but not racing. If I was low on thyroid meds/iodine my heart rate would drop with the exhaustion and be extra slow. If I was high on thyroid support, I would have a racing heart rate and anxiety. Not a combination of the two. These are well known to me because I have had direct experience with it all.

So then, I cycle to the damn chronic virus infection I finally labeled. Because I can’t afford the IV treatment yet, I upped the anty at home. I have been taking extra colloidal silver, olive leaf, grapefruit seed extract, much larger doses of vitamin C, oral peroxide doses, and the immune support mushroom complex. All intended to kill the effing virus and anything else that might be dogging me long term. Potentially, my past two days could be partially or wholly, because I am slowly killing a decades old infection that has commandeered cells in my body, which ultimately means I am killing those cells. The cells are merely innocent bystanders that were captured by the virus and are now collateral damage. My body could simply be very angry from the dieing cells, resulting toxins, and a virus desperate to stay alive.

Detoxing always affects a person’s mental state and often causes extreme fatigue, as well as a whole host of other possible symptoms. If that is the case I’m winning in the long run, but the short term doesn’t really seem like it.

I have used this system to kill the flu, sinus infections, and other respiratory colds several times over the last decade. So now my only question is why didn’t it kill this virus when I was killing the others? Why is it finally working on this chronic infection? Is it merely because I triggered the acute phase 3 weeks ago, or is it because I finally got healthy enough that only the chronic infections are what is left to fight?

I’m really not sure I even need all the answers. Ultimately, I just want that carrot of full health. I just want to feel good again. I certainly want energy levels and mental stability to return so that I can do my job regardless of how many appointments I have on the books. And if the others are energetically invading my space, then I really need them to let go and leave me alone. I certainly don’t need anyone that rejected me causing me additional hurdles to jump over just to exist maintaining my life.

Healthy, happy, energetically sovereign self. That’s my goal and biggest desire right now.

May you find your own healthy, happy, energetically sovereign self. May you see solutions. May you know how to handle exhaustion when faced with the inability to sleep. May you know you are overcoming your challenges. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that everything works out in the end. It’s all okay.

Siva Hir Su

Not always a woman.

Mom visiting brought with it a revival of music we enjoyed together when I was a child. Pandora was my avenue to access such music easily. We did Beatles radio, Billy Joel radio, and Chieftains radio. It was really good to revive music memories with mom.

One song struck me as I sang the lyrics by heart like I just listened to it last week. Billy Joel’s “Always a Woman to Me” (see YouTube link if unfamiliar).

The lyrics to that song are just in me. Solid. I didn’t even have to think about it, and I haven’t heard that song for probably several years now. I own quite a bit of Billy Joel’s music, but it just hasn’t been in my heavy rotation for a long while.

I realized that the song is two-fold for me. One is that it is how I see my mom. Every line fits her ‘to a T’. She is an amazing being to me, even her faults and shortcomings. I love her very much in all her ways.

Second, the feminine half of me mirrors that. I think it is mostly because of prior thoughts I’ve mentioned, on the fact that I am a blend of my parents, on top of being bisexual. So the feminine half mirrors my mom. Yet, now I wonder. Is it possible that a song so ingrained in my psyche contributed to the development of my character? Is it simply that easy? I owned the lyrics so completely that it contributed to manifesting those traits? I don’t know really. It seems it may have played a part, but I prefer to believe that I felt the song was a good description of mom and I wanted to be like her and be loved that strongly.

The masculine half of me, well that is a whole different story.

Either way, I still love the song to this day, and now I see how it describes me too. I appreciate that immensely.

May you have moments of appreciation for self. May you see mostly good qualities and even love your flaws. May you understand how your life built your self. May you love those things that enabled you to come into your own being. May you appreciate every element of your path of life. May you see that God loves you just the way you are, flaws and all. May you have many manifestations of all of it in the best ways possible.

Siva Hir Su

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you
And she’ll take what you give her as long as it’s free, Yeah she steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be, Blame it all on yourself ’cause she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind, She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool
But she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you
But she’s always a woman to me

Source: LyricFind

Peace

You must search within
To find with out
Every bit there
Reflects here

The little ones
Don't know how

The middle ones
Frustrated over
Seemingly Complicated
Easily overwhelmed

The older knows
But tired grows

The oldest ignores
Ready to do no more
Passing a torch
With no flame

Desire died long ago
But the young ones
Still need to know
How to care and be there

For self
For God within

How does one
Create new
Better
Youth
In knowing

How do you stop
Passing
Flameless lifeless
Desireless torches

How do the youth
Just know
How to carry
Their own
And still do what's best

Fleeting sparks
Ignite
If not caught
Hope may float
To another

Catch a spark
Trust with heart
It has to be better
Than the dead torch

God causes the spark
Find that
You'll have all
Fire and desire
Needed

Youth even unguided
By men
Is better than
The Oldest Guided
Desireless Dieing

Peace
Merely the knowing
That youth has all
Sparks
Fires
Desires

God Inspires
Right action
In unguided youth

For you see
They have the least
Resistance to change
For the better of all

Find your peace
Your knowing
The newest parts
Of self
God's inspired
Will do what is best for all.

Then let reflect
The same knowing
Peace
In the world
Will grow

May you find your inner peace and see it begin to reflect outward. May you understand the least resistant are your saviours. May you see the newest as being your best assets and do as much as you can to protect them. May you forgive yourself for your mistakes and grievances against them. May you see and understand God’s guidance. May you know you are loved unconditionally.

Siva Hir Su

Turning point.

FYI: there will be images with nudity, if under 18 please leave or read with parental guidance.

Sunday through to yesterday, I fought like hell to even come close to staying buoyant. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and I was determined to have a good evening with him. I was fighting so hard to stay buoyant that I took a small amount of a THC to ensure his birthday was enjoyable. It floated me through until bedtime for kids and then I relaxed a bit on my own before sleep.

Now today I have been able to stay positive all on my own, no herbs. Yet, more than that, there have been 3 things that might have normally trigger a nose dive and it hasn’t. One was bad news from a friend about her lump, and I keep telling her to stay positive that it’s just a cyst. Then there was a phone call gone awry to my husband. After apologies and mutually settling down, we realized something is in the air. Calm followed.

Then right at 1:11 I looked at a song notification on my phone, it seemed to carry a negative message; something about closing the door. Anyway, I deleted it without even listening to the song and looking at the clock I said thank you to the angels. I realized that it is my door and the only one that can close it is me. I am leaving my door open, but only for those that are able to work their way up vibrationally and be honest and respectful and helpful.

Somehow, I feel like I’ve had a turning point.

Another moment that seems to validate that is my self image. I had a moment last night where I realized the self image I have been struggling with is because of having let my father’s words and opinions win when I was a small child. I was told I was fat, unhealthy, lazy and not good for anything. Beyond that I was told and shown repeatedly through his actions and media that only perfect women were beautiful. I logically know that both sides are inaccurate, but I have been having trouble knowing the truth for me.

Finally last night it was like it became clear. I had a mental flash of Alexander Cabanel’s “Birth of Venus”. I very familiar with it from having done a study of it in my art education. The message that came with it was that is what God intended for me to look like before all of the negative programming took hold. That is why I find that body type so beautiful.

So then I spent some considerable time searching the internet for similar women in a variety of fine arts. I saved all of the images in a folder titled “I am Venus” to use as a reminder of what my spirit really wanted me to look like.

Here are those pictures, starting with the trigger image:

At this point, I’m know my body is not there, but I am so much closer than I used to be. I know it is within reach, and a little patience and focus is all I need. What I am grateful for is the knowing that this was my intended body all along. Even more gratitude is felt because it is a widely accepted body type. This body type has been considered beautiful for eons, enough to be in art of all types.

It feels really good to know that my higher self wanted me to have this beautiful body all along, and now that negatives are beginning to clear from my brain for real, it is more and more in reach.

I’m not sure what exactly has shifted, but I am very grateful for the shift and the eliminating of negative memories and programming in my brain and cells.

One moment at a time I am making progress. One step at a time I am leaving behind unhelpful attitudes and vibrations.

Finally, after my self-image revelation I had another revelation about my father. I must focus only on the helpful version of my father. I suspect I know what that will translate into, but it is the only way to prevent the negative from deflating me again. I must focus on him having accepted me wholley and completely, being supportive of my love Nathan and our children. I must focus on the positive side of anything I have ever thought about him. That is the only way to ensure his negatives bounce off of me, and eventually will actually equal helpfulness from his spirit.

To that end, I’m waivering on whether to release my blog to public again. I may spend another couple of days focusing and maintaining my higher vibrational alignment before I resume my normal. I hope those that really cared but didn’t reach out will have patience and understanding for my withdrawal.

May you see the good in everything. May you have patience during this heavy time of transition. May you see the beautiful person God intended you to be. May you find a way to align with the best of everything. May you love yourself and have patience with yourself beyond everything else. May you find a way to keep the negatives at bay and eliminate old negative programming from your brain and cells. May you see your progress and know that you are doing what is best for you without harm to others. May you find progress and help others along the way. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su