Tag Archives: make peace with yourself

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

Society wins again.

I’m having a bit of a mental breakdown. Not the end of the world, I’m doing everything in my power to fix it.

I suspect it’s hormones butting up against my feeble attempt to release beliefs which are definitely holding me back.

I know I am strong, I know I’m independent, capable, intelligent. I know I’m good at what I do and my business ever grows. I know I’m better every day at patience, kindness, and mastering money. I know I am able to do anything I put my mind to and willing to keep learning new things. I know I’m compassionate and caring towards everyone.

I know I’ve been working on myself for a long time and doing better in many ways because of it.

I care about myself enough to fix what’s broken, especially to make strides towards healing my body, my mind, and nourishing every part of myself. Honoring who I am. I’m not perfect, I’m human, but considering I was raised to not do any such thing, I’ve made huge strides.

Today’s efforts included finishing a book, healthy choices in diet and supplements (still doing pescatarian AIP), and going to the gym because they all help me be a better me.

Yet my workout was interrupted by tears and embarrassment. Running to the bathroom I hid in a stall crying. Another woman asked me if I needed anything, if I was hurt.

I just answered no, I’m okay. Because physically I’m fine, my current hurts are not visible. The workout was going great until the tears hit.

So why did they?

I’ve been fighting frustrations and anxiety since I woke this morning. I was doing my best to tell myself all the things I do know and run through all the good things. I was trying to Abraham myself up the emotional scale.

Then it hit me. The alignment issues I’ve had with people I love. For at least 2 or 3 of the people I gave my heart to, I don’t believe they find me beautiful.

Because I don’t feel beautiful.

I want so much to feel beautiful. But I have no idea how. The few times I have were looking at Nathan’s photographs of me. But there’s a voice that says it’s just what he sees as beautiful; others don’t find the same things beautiful.

Society has taught me that. In my 37 years, there’s been very few people my size on any screen or in any publication. Of those, none have my dark eye circles, none have stretch marks, floppy skin, or acne/psoriasis. At least not that the photographer, videographer, or producer would ever let you see.

We are so ingrained with the unrealistic idea of what’s supposed to be beautiful, that there’s no way any real woman will ever be able to even come close.

Yet when there’s only one way to be beautiful, and everyone is selling things to help you attempt to match that, how do you believe anything different?

How does one convince oneself that they are beautiful when slicing and dicing oneself is the best attempt to get there?

When every effort made only helps to feel better, and none show, how does one believe they are beautiful?

My belly sags- that is when it’s not bloated, my thighs touch, I have zits in places only Nathan sees. I chaffe when it’s hot, I get the equivalent to diaper rash when I eat gluten, and I don’t wear diapers. Despite having two children vaginally, I only have very slight issues when I sneeze or cough too much or too hard.

Yet yesterday I walked 12,000 steps without flinching.

But that’s strength and endurance, not beauty.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In the eye- it’s visible. But we all see things differently. We all have our own perspective, our own life experiences which have shaped our preferences and taught us what is beautiful out not.

Unfortunately, I live in a society which has done such a great job at brainwashing everyone that I know none find me attractive. I’m too far outside what is trained to be beautiful. Even with all of my diligent efforts. Individuals make exceptions based on their direct family, but I’ve met so many women fighting this same mental battle, that I know there’s no hope. It’s why I hate the cosmetic medical procedure industry, they only contribute to millions of women hating their appearance, and unfortunately even their efforts rarely meet expectations.

But is there hope?

I have unleashed yet another piece to fix, another onion peel to cry over and shed. Every last one eventually had a solution. This will eventually too. That is for me.

What about the other millions and billions of women struggling with the same thought?

It has started, there are a few more big women in media these days.

But they are still covered in make-up, still photoshopped, still pryed into shaping garments, still airbrushed and tanned, still filtered in the camera, and finally still covered with clothes when those options fail.

Our kids need to see that all of every person is beautiful, even the flaws. When that day comes there will be hope for all of us.

For me I just hope to convince myself sooner than later that the ones I love really do see me as beautiful. I dare to hope to one day believe I am attractive to someone beautiful enough to be an Abercrombie and Fitch model. That feels better than coming to terms with Nathan loves me despite being completely ugly. I have no idea where to start, but like all things I’ll figure it out as I go, hopefully as quickly as learning manual tasks come for me.

May you all feel beautiful inside and out. May you see the fallacy of societal standards. May you have strength when you see things that try and convince you otherwise. May you show your knowledge to others. May you accept all of everyone, including their flaws. May you be blessed and loved in all ways.

Siva Hir Su

Character on the stage of life.

“All the world’s a┬ástage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” -William Shakespeare

My one brother, at the wedding in October, told me that he had no idea how I did it. He was referencing my life and the hours I work and everything I do for my family. This is the brother I have always felt had his shit together the best. Of all our family, I thought he was the smartest, I thought he was the most disciplined, I thought he was the most organized and well respected.

Yet, here he was telling me that he had no idea how I did it, and my only answer was: I had to, I didn’t really feel I had any other options. Between loving my husband, and being raised that welfare and social programs were a necessary unwanted evil, as well as divorce being a last resort, I just knew it was sink or swim. I chose to swim the best I could, and I think most of us would aim for that.

I have played meek and I have played strong. I have played timid, bashful, and shy; yet also confident, outgoing and talkative.

I have played the hard worker, the dependable, the confidant. I have over-played my hand and underplayed my skills, but managed by the grace of God to be successful in my business and support my family. I have surprised and delighted many and disappointed probably twice as many. I have been well spoken and diplomatic, but other times I have inserted foot-in-mouth. I sometimes make the best joker, but other times miss the joke all together.

I’m a fierce warrior like Joan of Arc, that frequently wishes to run and hide, rather wishing for a better Knight to save me. And spiritually: Jesus couldn’t reach me for the burden of my childhood, so I found Shiva as an adult (really they are one and the same, 2 aspects of the same divine masculine).

I’m a mother who gave birth to two beautiful healthy children and helped a third start her life. I’m the father that fixes what’s broken, makes a better home, and provides for it all. I have lady parts, but men’s hormones and hair- just not enough of them to count for their benefits. I’m attracted to both, and want them all to love me and get along with each other.

I’m an animal lover guilty of having consumed more than my fair share of non-pets. I’m a creative artist that can do calculus, though a bit rusty at both right now. I’m an excellent massage therapist, and decent musician and cook.