Tag Archives: making the best

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

If you can’t figure out how to be wealthy, then figure out how to be poor well.

So my husband likes to tell me that I’m quotable.  The title  is one such instance.  It was an analogy to follow  up a statement regarding Anya’s hair.  She has battled  with her hair her whole life and doesn’t like it- being half like black hair, and half like Caucasian  hair; so I said you can’t really truly change your hair – as in going from curly to naturally straight.  So I said if you can’t change it,  then learn how to make it the way you want with the least amount of  trouble.

That’s what I’m  doing with my whole  life. I’ve tried and tried, and worked very hard at trying to unburry our little family. Every time,  I’ve gotten the proverbial smack down,  & ended up no better off.

Almost 11 years ago,  I willingly climbed into the hole with Nathan. I saw a good man that had been ruined in a nasty divorce, not of his making.  I’ve never heard another person say,  I just want to see my daughter and keep my house,  so many times.  My heart went out  to him & his daughter.  The hole was created when the divorce ordered him to pay post dated child support for Anya’s entire life to that point (about 14 months, & 6 grand), & ordered that regardless of his X’s portion of mortgage payments (less than 1/4 because of her not working  during college) he had to settle half of the equity of the home (almost 8 grand).  Because his X didn’t want to ever see him again, she fought everything, to the point her lawyer confessed  he was sick  of her. The divorce finally wrapped up after Anya turned 1, and cost 10 grand. So by the time he refinanced to accomplish the house requirement,  he started in the hole by $24,000, just because he refused to walk away from his daughter all together.  That was on top of his student debt.

I should have seen  that was a bad idea,  especially since I had my own college debt and a car to pay for.  But I was in love with a man AND his beautiful smart daughter. I couldn’t see them both ruined if I could do anything to prevent it.

I moved in and tried to help pay for EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, it was a losing battle. I had barely finished college and was still working my student jobs,  & Nathan hadn’t finished college much before me and was also still working in the same field that put him through college & enabled the house.  Neither paid well.

I did eventually find a job in my field of education,  but it was an entry level position with a small business,  and didn’t pay any better than my previous position. Shortly later Nathan was fired because he refused to give up visitation with Anya knowing his X never allowed him to adjust, & his work  essentially said work or be fired.  Long story short, he took his daughter over his job,  and I can’t fault him for that.

However,  the 2 put together meant the house went into foreclosure.  I had already entered back into school for massage hoping it would help,  and finished right as the foreclosure was finalized.  We had to stay with my parents for a while.  I found the first  massage job I could that would put us closer to Anya and we found a rental out in the country dirt cheap. I did my best,  but things never did turn to the better.  That year I lost my car- repossessed,  we went  some months without utilities.

Our most memorable moment was when we didn’t have gas  service,  so we were cooking on the grill at the park across the street.  I lit the fire,  dropped the corn cobs on,  realized I forgot tongs, & as soon as I came back out I realized the corn was engulfed in flames.  I sprinted back & pulled the cobs off  as the foil wrappers began to disintegrate.  We had the most delicious 4 minute corn ever!

Finally though, we had to admit that the move was a failure.  Try, try again!

We knew people in Kansas City, and discussed with them possibilities.  They offered to help us transition.  We used our tiny Toyota truck to move everything we owned down  into storage in 2 trips. It was comical how tall the tarp wrapped truck was.
The friends kicked us out by December.  That holiday season was hard for us.  We did find a rental quickly,  but had no money to spare, & the jobs we managed to get when we got to KC weren’t great.

Then Nathan got sick.  I became sole financier.  I almost failed.  We were days shy of being evicted when I finally started catching up.  Then my Gallbladder went bad,  & the whole mess fell apart.  We already had almost $100,000 from Nathan’s medical adventure,  so fortunately the hospital didn’t bat an eye on writing mine off. His  journey has been challenging,  & I’d rather have him alive  than dead, so I’ve accepted my role,  but damn.  When the best thing you can say about it is that his student loans quit chasing him due to permanent disability,  that’s not saying much.  The circumstances of his hospital stay & diagnosis meant that we could never get disability to go through,  so I’m it.

We tried  to save money by living with another family,  but dysfunction meant our cat almost got eaten by their dog.  I was done.  We moved again!

This time to a small apartment, utilities paid by the building,  but no laundry services.  Not a huge deal until we discovered the building was infested with bed bugs. Do you have any idea how much it costs to wash and dry everything you own  -including bedding and stuffed animals- at a laundromat every 2 to 3 months. And then we got full custody of Anya when her mom died of  cancer. Bedbugs & a grieving pre-teen do NOT go together.

I AM SO DONE!

So now,  I’ve relegated myself to making the best of being poor. I’m going to build our home: by hand, from scratch, as I can pay for supplies. Then I’ll save up some  money & move it,  put in a well, septic,  solar panels,  & small wind turbine, & build a greenhouse.  Then add on for the grandparents & aunt,  then  from there we’ll be set & I can work just enough to pay for taxes, non-grown food,  & vehicle related expenses.
I think I can realistically accomplish all of that in 10 years, maybe less.

I’ve decided the thing that bugs me most about all of the law of attraction hype is the lack of action & the loss of perspective. Yes, anything  is possible,  but it may not be probable at all, or at least in your lifetime. Beyond probability,  how can anything happen if you don’t DO anything tangible. If you aren’t attempting to do anything that will produce money,  then you’re not gong to see any. HELL, if I can spend a decade doing my level best to make money- including running my own business,  & none ever does manifest;  how the hell are you going to while sitting on your ass making vision boards.

If you want X but never do anything that could result in X, then you’ll never get X.
Y +Z does not = X
A+B+C+D+E+F+G+ .etc might eventually = X

So, I’ll take the latter,  & if the universe eventually decides to say “atta boy” and drop more money in my lap,  or suddenly allow my previous actions to be more lucrative,  then great.  I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH ANYMORE!  I’m going to just make the best I can of a crappy life of poverty with the understanding that I’ve done everything I know & can do to attempt to make things better, including going to school twice to try & change that. I’m willing to learn,  I’m willing to act,  I’m willing to do,  I’m willing to work hard, I’m willing to help others and support others,
& will continue to do all of those things regardless as to whether the universe/divine honors me or rewards me for all of my efforts.

C’est Tout!