Tag Archives: manifestation

Upside Down

Abraham Hicks has often said to not give a lick what others think. One should live a life that feels good, not try to fit others’ moulds. Happiness lies in being the self regardless of others’ opinions.

My only question in response to that is:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

My early days of school I had two really good friends that I did everything with. Yet, moving because of dad’s jobs crushed that, I was too young to keep up with them without parental assistance, and I am certain they think I just fell off the earth.

I spent all of middle school, at two different schools, being bullied as the new fat kid, and my parents told me to just ignore them and move on. And as a family we did, moving twice more by the middle of freshman year of highschool.

In highschool, it was rough to try and make friends. I figured out I was too smart and fat to be the popular kid, not geeky enough to hang with the science kids, not sporty enough to spend time with athletes, and not dramatic enough to chum with the theatre kids. So since my solace was already music, I spent a disproportionate amount of time in the band or practice rooms. When not there, mostly for lunch hour, I hung with the misfits. Being a small school, there was the pot-head, the 2 pregnant girls, the confederate-flag-flier, the pick-pocket, and about 4 of us that just didn’t fit with anyone else. They were my friends for all of the rest of highschool. I was never invited to parties, picnics, or any other gatherings. If I wasn’t playing in a band function or in class, I wasn’t around other kids. I didn’t even get to date, and when I was old enough to go to prom, I went as a 3rd wheel with the 2 friends from the misfit group that were dating. I was always the odd one out.

College wasn’t any better, transferring schools twice due to financial dilemmas. My roommates freshman year were mostly good people, but one of the 3 had a horrible personality clash with the rest of us. We battled it all year and after I transferred home to community college, I never heard from any of them again. I didn’t go to parties, and only dated one other person before meeting Nathan. Having been set up with that person I gave it a fair chance, 3 dates, and I was horribly unimpressed by our mismatch and gave up.

Nathan was the first person to invite me to anything. He was the first person to genuinely care how my days had gone and what I was up to. He invited me to social functions and gatherings, introduced me to his wife and girlfriend and all of his friends. He met my friends from high school, which at that point were renting space in my mobile home. He even knew some of the people from my highschool from having had met them in other venues. It was nice. We meshed well and he was genuinely interested in me, who I was and what I was about and who I hung out with (even if it was infrequent).

Fast forward to KC. When we got here we landed with people we thought were decent friends. The helped us get here but very quickly got frustrated when our job search didn’t pan out as well as hoped. Finally, one of them got us in with less than spectacular jobs at the school bus, and we were given a short deadline to get our own place.

7 months later Nathan had his hospital journey and I did my best to reach out for help to everyone we knew. Nothing.

By that point my highschool, and our few college friends, were scattered to the winds (and still are). So I really wasn’t surprised they couldn’t help; but I had hoped even some of the newer KC friends would at least give some helpful tips/resources, send some get well cards, or pay a visit. None of them did anything. It was very very frustrating.

On one hand, the sink or swim situation made me stronger and even more capable. On the other hand fumbling through medical and welfare systems and trying to avoid homelessness alone was really shitty. I would have given anything to just have someone to talk it over with.

Later we we met a couple that moved in next door. We got along really well, and we are still friends, but their friendship has mostly manifested in facebook posts and the occasional online invite to a party or gathering. It’s just not the deep friendship I crave.

I also have noted that I seem to screw up the few good friendships I did manage to create.

This very blog started 5 years ago when one friend in our homeschool group gave us an extra trailer on her property to live in. It needed a lot of work and she said that when she gave it to us. I thought I could handle it and started the rehab. 2 years into the struggle I gave up and we moved back to the city, unfortunately never getting that trailer to real usability. It seems to have ended the friendship as she doesn’t really talk to us anymore. It makes me sad, because I really did try. I wanted to make it work in a very significant way, I just couldn’t handle everything that the trailer needed to be a safe home, on top of life itself, and it exhausted me in many ways just trying.

Then the friendship that helped us get back into the city ended in chaotic blame. There was a problem, we may or may not have actually caused. It was something that could have started any number of ways, but we took all of the blame. Every last bit, and there was a torturous splitting of ways that still leaves me hurt. There are so many elements of that relationship that I had hope for, but there were people involved of poor character and I couldn’t tolerate the abusive nature of the one person. It was too much like my father and having overcome that, I was not kind in responses to their behavior. I feel like the blame that was placed on us was unfairly extreme, especially knowing that it could have been caused by other factors, and I had gone out of my way in so many other ways. I had literally spent thousands on supplies, groceries, utilities, and work I had done to make it functional for us all. Yet, not a single ounce of my efforts was acknowledged, only the assumption that I or my family was to blame for the problem. AND Abraham does say often that everything in your experience is your own fault, so whether I directly caused it or not, it was at least energetically attracted, thus my fault I suppose.

There have been other friendships that ended when I quit putting forth the effort, feeling like they were one-sided, and I guess I was right because the moment I quit trying they ceased.

So for the last 2 years we have had no significant interactions. Only the pair that used to be neighbors, and we’ve attended a half dozen of their gatherings.

I told the current office friend:

“BTW: funny, not funny, you have to live. You’re my only actual friend right now. You’re the only person beyond Nathan that has conversations with me outside of my table. … Thank you for caring.”

She replied with friendships aren’t easy and it takes work. I told her I do my best, but it never seems to be good enough. We talked about several other things and she told me it will get better. I hope she is right.

I’m not saying this to be Debbie-Downer or sound whiney. I’m genuinely curious.

On one hand I wonder if I should have let the depression win when I was younger and there wasn’t anyone beyond parents and siblings to care I died. If I had killed myself before Nathan, then it would have been the least impact. As is it, if I ended my futility game, it seems like it would now be a burden to my loving husband and children. That keeps me trying to reach for better.

However, I have reached a place where I’m just tired. Maybe its a little of everything all trying to burry me. Maybe I’m just rehashing old negative patterns. Maybe it’s letting too many other people’s energy or thoughts into my awareness. Regardless, I’m tired of trying to do all the work, tired of always having to improve myself, tired of fighting for better when it doesn’t really seem to matter. I am ready to just give into the loner mentality. Accept that aloof independence like a cat, as after all I have always tended to identify with cats. One doesn’t have to have anyone in their life, existence can be done alone or together, and maybe I am supposed to experience this life from the loner perspective. If that is the case “Resistance is Futile”.

Then again maybe life really doesn’t matter, any way you look at it. Maybe it is a construct created by others to persuade you to keep torturing yourself. If that is the case, there aren’t even very many others in my life to matter. The handful that would care hardly seem worth the struggle, only Nathan carries the pang of regret in that statement.

My life matters to less than a dozen people, and 4 of those would be merely inconvenienced by my not showing up to work. The rest are all family, either biological or via Nathan.

Abraham says that life shouldn’t be effort. That we can find ourselves and our inner being, and thus find happiness without effort. If we do that we will have all of the good things, and supposedly in a fairly consistent flow.

Yet, I find those moments of release and still mind, through effort. The ways that work best for me are mantras, guided meditation, yoga, or doing artwork. All of those require some effort on my part. The extra kicker is that it doesn’t last. The moment I stop doing one of those activities, my brain seems hell-bent on either just hamster-wheeling or heading back to negative. So my meditation feeling wears off fairly quickly.

Very few days, do I manage to stay buoyant, and those days are the ones I manage to keep the hamster on the positive thoughts. It’s not as rare as it used to be, but for as much effort as I have put into it, it doesn’t manifest as frequently as I would like either.

So then pile on top of this, the knowing that I don’t really have any friends, and especially none that can help me pull up, I wonder why I’m here.

Sometimes, I would just like someone to talk to and work through things. Because I struggle to do it on my own, I keep hoping that there would be someone to help. Someone that cared as much as Nathan and maybe was a bit better at helping. Nathan tries, but he either plays whipping boy or tries to over compensate and becomes obnoxiously bubbly happy. Neither really works for me, and I always feel horrible about having hurt him when he turns into whipping boy, even if it is all just verbal. I need the middle road to work out of a hole and reach for better, and in my adult life, that middle road has been found through herbs and mirror work all by my lonesome.

I give my heart to people and genuinely care about them. Will it ever matter?

So yes, my quandary from above:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

I’m doing the work to improve myself, have been for years. I care about others, maybe too much. However, it is not in their opinion of me so much, as I do mostly what I want- I don’t shave, I wear what I want and don’t wear makeup, I work when and how I want, I do jobs that I want, and when I have a chance for recreation or hobbies I do mostly what I want. No, I care as in they are human beings I would like to know, I care that they are getting by okay, I offer assistance when I can, and I am always willing to make time for people I would like to know.

When do I find my reciprocation that makes it all worth it. When do the relationships I desire manifest? When do I align with others that are also doing their best to improve themselves and can honor and respect me for my efforts. I do want those significant others, but I would also love to have genuine solid strong friendships. When will there be people that care about me as a human, as much as I do them?

It’s not whine fest, just an acknowledgement of my law of attraction process and another topic that isn’t manifesting as noticeably as I thought it would have by now. Clarification from Abraham or Shiva is welcome.

May you have your clarifying moments to provide greater understanding. May you find that you have ample friendships and/or significant others. May you feel loved and supported by both humans and God. May you find your inner being in easy least effort ways, and manage to maintain that feeling mostly. May your hamster-wheeling cooperate with you. May you find that you have just the right people in your life when you need a certain kind of pick-me-up. May you have all of the support and guidance you need. May your loneliness always be replaced with a sense of feeling the divine. May you understand all of your challenges. May you know the angels are watching over you, and it is okay to live life upside down, that you will still have everything you want and desire eventually.

Siva Hir Su

Lyrics
Angels watching over me
With smiles upon their face
'Cause I have made it through this far
In an unforgiving place
It feels sometimes this hill's too steep
For a girl like me to climb
But I must knock those thoughts right down
I'll do it in my own time
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (go there)
On a road that leads me straight to who knows where
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Watching people scurry by
Rushing to and fro
Oh, this world is such a crazy place
It's all about the go, go, go
Sometimes life can taste so sweet
When you slow it down
You start to see the world a little differently
When you turn it upside down
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (no way)
And I'm just soaking up magic in the air
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
You got to slow it down (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And then you pick it up (woa, yey, yo)
Come on and try a little topsy-turvy back
To front the right way round
Take it slow, slow, slow (you gotta pick it up)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (let me see you slow it down)
Hey, yo, yo (tell me something, something)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Source: LyricFind

Multifidus

What are Multifidus?

Multifidus muscle (musculi multifidi) Multifidus is a group of short, triangular muscles that along with the semispinalis and rotatores comprises the transversospinal group of deep back muscles. They are the thickest muscles in the transversospinal group, and are shorter than semispinalis, but longer than rotatores.

Erector spinae and multifidus The erector spinae muscles produce the extensor force needed for lifting, whereas the segmental extensors, primarily the multifidus muscle, provide stabilization of individual lumbar motion segments

Beyond muscles, I thought it was appropriate terminology for linking together multiple elements of which one finds support, stabilization and overall functionality. That is why I chose to start my blog with that name today.

I have found myself pondering many things this week, and their link is me. They are all elements of my life that I string together into one functional cohesive whole, moving together for a greater good. They give me support through learning lessons and being able to see my own skills and progress. Without any one of them my metaphorical spinal column would collapse.

There was the strep throat, which once I got the PA to pull her head out of fraidy-cat and do her job, quickly began subsiding. It’s amazing how an antibiotic and Prednisone script when utilized properly for the appropriate disease works wonders. I went from not being able to eat or drink hardly at all for 2 solid days; to now I have a tiny tickle that makes me cough occasionally, and a couple rough patches in my throat that haven’t fully healed. I was less concerned about the lack of eating as I have already been eating minimally for a while. But the dehydration began to set in fast and by the time I actually saw the PA I’d already gotten chapped lips and my skin on my hands was cracking and peeling. If I’d have gone another day without enough water I’d have been wasting a hospital bed just because of lack of fluids. I’m just glad I got through to her and managed to get a proper solution.

During my short strep journey my mom visited. In fact it really was nearly the same 5 day stretch. She was not really concerned about catching what I had since we’d both had strep before. I love my mom. We had long talks about a lot of things. I really appreciate all the good things I gained from her. I realized that she has had a hard time fighting her own demons and that has left her feeling like she didn’t do right by me. I did my best to explain that there wasn’t anything she could have done differently and that though there are some things I’m still trying to change about myself- mostly from dad, and I truly appreciate all the good qualities I gleaned from her. She’s my mom and I love her.

While she was here she cuddled with kitties which I know made her miss her departed Rusty and Fuzzy. I miss those cats too sometimes. She also made friends with Zen. It was adorable.

She also spent many hours sitting on our porch swing watching birds and butterflies in our yard. I have a few thistles we let blossom to dry for tea, and the goldfinches, hummingbirds and butterflies simply love them.

Kansas City is still not normal functionality for many things and my mom loves gardens. So my solution, for being under par myself and not being able to do normal things, was to do a driving tour of the city with stops at a couple of the gardens. We went to Jacob Loose park for their beautiful rose gardens and then to Kaufman Gardens, both of which are free and open year round, though prettiest in May to early July. Anya climbed trees and tried to encourage Ian to try as well. It was good fun. We all had a good time and everyone benefitted from some calm fun in the sun.

After our day of sunshine and flowers, I drove mom home to Iowa. I was sad to have to let her go, and I sincerely hope it is not the last time I see her. I know she feels like she has lived a full life and she tells me over and over that she is ready to go home. She says her body hurts frequently and she’s just looking forward to seeing her divine family. We have a genetic heinze-57 mix in our family, but heavy on Irish, Scottish and English. However, mom talks about her dreams of her Irish family and her true love she never found in this life, even having dreams of her horse. I told her I can sympathize and told her of my dreams where I was Quan Yin and Shiva (that brought up a whole discussion of beliefs in reincarnation and how sometimes I feel like I get judged unfairly for cultural strip mining.) Regardless, I appreciate our long conversations and hope there will be more of them. There are some things I still don’t tell my mom, because I simply just know she wouldn’t understand. Her relationship history has not been good, and elements of it leave me knowing she would not understand polyamory. I don’t think she would be mad or upset, just that she is in the state of misunderstanding where you can’t believe that someone would willingly want to do something. So I don’t talk about it, but we do find plenty of other things to talk about. It made for the almost 300 miles back to her home in Iowa much less painful.

On the drive though I was sad to see how much damage the derocho did as it passed through Iowa. The entire I-80 corridor had major damage and it stretched for miles and miles both north and south of 80. Mom was saying that originally they estimated a third of the crops were devastated, but as the damaged plants have dried, they are now suspecting half of the crops are lost. Harvest will begin early to glean how badly everything was damaged. I’m finding myself glad over the fact that I have not consumed corn or soy for a long while now, and that even my meat consumption is lower. The 4 states that were devastated by the storms are all in the top 10 of corn and soybean producers. That means that next year the hogs and cows will have less feed and the myriad of products made from corn and soy will all be much more costly and possibly more scarce. Something I simply will not need to worry about. It does concern me for the rest of the country though.

Anyway, some of the devastation was so intense I just had to try and snap picture as we passed. It may be hard for the untrained eye, so I’ll give you a couple internet images of healthy fields and trees first. The first two are just what a healthy corn crop looks like from the side, 3rd is those healthy fields on a tree line, and last is a healthy soy crop.

Next are the images I managed to snap from the car- sorry for the window glare. What you’ll see: Entire lines of trees with their leaves ripped off, entirely or much more sparse than usual. Corn fields flattened directionally, corn fields with few stalks standing and those are ripped bare; soy fields with huge swaths of brown damaged plants; trees fallen by the thousands many still being cut into usable wood for alternate purposes.

What I didn’t catch was all the businesses and homes with major damage. There simply was too much for me to document properly on my short drive. It is a bit sad for me because I know a much different Iowa and it will take years for the trees to fully recover. Businesses and homes will be rebuilt quickly, a matter of weeks to months and insurance will do its job. Crops will be harvested to the best of their abilities, and there will be an impact, but Iowa farmers have always done good to utilize as much as possible, so if they can salvage they will. What they can’t salvage insurance will cover in the short term and long term people will adjust as needed. We will get through this as much as any disaster.

What it all did do was give me something to shift my focus to gratitude and to see what I do have. Ultimately I spent the rest of my drive back to my home focusing on the good things and seeing that my Atira really is here. It’s not as I have dreamed all these years, but it is here and it’s close enough. I had a solid knowing that I am good enough and my dreams did matter.

My big shiney Atira dome home, for a big poly family, well it’s me and Nathan, kids and pets, in a 3 bedroom ranch in Kansas City. But there is hope for more, and always room to grow.

My mom isn’t in a little dome on the back 40, no she’s in a little brick quad-plex in rural Iowa. But she wouldn’t have had upkeep either way, and she has the peace and quiet in nature that I always wanted to give her. She is mostly content, and though I can’t walk to see her, it’s not really that long or painful of a drive.

My grumpy ass dad that wasn’t even supposed to be at Atira still got to visit and see that all his demeaning behaviors made me a better person than he. Plus he’s being cared for by my sister whom, even without any experience, is probably the better candidate to meet his desires and outdated beliefs.

My business park is really just the clinic; and my significant-other business partners, well they’re not-so-significant-others. Despite having thought the one chiropractor had lots of potential with the energetic connection, I’ve come to terms that it probably won’t go anywhere. And the office manager is a kind hearted woman like my mom, that wants to understand and be helpful, but sometimes just needs others to be understanding for her and her concerns. The both have my heart in much different ways than my dreams of Atira had implied. No less significant though.

My temple is my basement and no gatherings have been accomplished because of Covid. This too will pass.

My affordable, very capable, mechanic that can fix anything is a good man in Merriam.

My stores are scattered all over the metro area.

My Atira community is really another companies’ retirement home that has wonderful people working and living in it. I’m glad that my skills are still of service to them.

My festival grounds are our old stomping grounds out at Camp Gaea, and those too have been put on hold due to Covid. You know if it’s clothing optional, that masks won’t be worn either.

My studio space is a corner of our bedroom, and Nathan’s darkroom is the spare small room in the basement. Our gallery is still manifesting.

And Nathan. He is my everything. He wasn’t supposed to be, there were supposed to be others to share the load. But Nathan does his best. He’s my love, my children’s father, my parent on duty, my home educator, my house husband, my resident photographer, my high priest, my magician, and would-be Gardner. He does everything I ask, mostly in appropriate timing and with little to no complaint. He even finally figured out how to help with income and for that I’m so very grateful. I am mostly amazingly grateful for him in my life, especially since the challenges have begun to subside.

My Atira is here. It’s not perfect and doesn’t match my dreams of many years passed, or designs exactly, but most of it has a current usable manifestation. I am grateful for seeing it come together. I am grateful to see that I do have mad skills and I am enough. I have created a world that I am mostly okay with and I am finally beginning to enjoy. One day maybe I’ll have a more accurate version in comparison to my dream scape, but for now I will enjoy the version I do have. I will continue to help others as I am able, but I now have a sense of things having shifted. I no longer owe anything to anyone. I have done my duties and met all requirements imposed upon me. I am free to be me and enjoy my life in whatever way I choose. Now I get to figure out that means. What is fun for me and how do I want that to play out. Can my spread out sprawling Atira Jr become the compact concise community of my dreams over time. That would be really nice. For now I just get to focus on the fun parts. There are so many fun things I want to do that shouldn’t be too hard.

May you see your journey and all of it’s manifestations. May you understand your place in it all. May you know all the elements of your desires are within reach and that sometimes you just need to widen your gaze. May you see those you care for as being important, regardless of how the relationship manifests. May you know that you have done all you need to do, you are whole and complete and more than enough. You are worthy in God’s eyes. May you know that you have cleared your debts and met imposed expectations. May you understand deeper meanings and reasons for everything in your experience. May you feel your way to greater understanding. May you know your own worth, strength, and knowledge. May you see how your actions benefit this world and help it to continue to function. May you find joy mostly and enjoy the ride called life.

Siva Hir Su

I’m Free-er

Dad is gone. “Kicked him out” of my house and my body.

Not really: it was the most polite goodbye I could muster, but definitely down right cordial compared to many of his moments.

I did follow good-byes with lots of sage-smudging, a few mantras, a celebratory drink and treat.

My house now feels like my home again. Much more relaxing, much more peaceful and buoyant, save for two energy filled toddlers’ chaos.

And my body: Thank the Gods!

I now feel like me again. The heavy cloak of negativity has lifted. The quicksand of energetic muck has cleared. I no longer feel like I am struggling to overcome an army of demons. I killed the army of demons. I now know I can hold my own. I made it through the hardest part.

I am strong. I am capable. I am caring. I am kind. I am doing so much better, that I was able to survive a negative vortex and my positivity got even stronger.

I am beautiful. I am confident. I am intelligent. I do have valuable qualities. I have knowledge others could benefit from. I am doing it. I matter. My opinions matter. I am supportive. I am successful.

I am open and accepting of everything as helpful to our universe in some way. Sometimes it’s just a great example of what not to do, and an excellent comparison tool to see your own progress.

I have made something of myself and I am worthy of many great things. I have done it on my own, with God’s guardians watching out for me and guiding me.

I am caring for a family, housing them, providing transportation, working to provide all that, earning my way. Yet, on top of all that, I am taking care of myself and healing my body. I am healing! I have more and more proof every day and I’m starting to get excited!

My intense deep-dental-cleaning went well, no cavities despite ignoring dentists for 20 years. What I do works, and my teeth show it. All those cavity pocks when I was 15 have disappeared, my teeth have healed enough.

My thyroid no longer pokes my voicebox at all. I suspect another ultrasound would show the nodules as being gone.

My skin is indeed shrinking and people are starting to notice. I wish it was twice as fast, but at least I know it’s happening. That’s enough for now.

Acné is gone, even when I have a minor oopse. It took a painful weekend of dad’s doing, with 5 “bad” meals to get acne, and a week later it’s already mostly disappeared. My watch and necklaces have finally quit causing contact psoriasis, and a little scratch healed 3 times quicker than usual.

My body is literally healing. I withstood my own father and I’m healing. I’m doing so much better. This is relief, this is progress, this is forgiving myself, this is honoring myself.

Right now I am so grateful for my own progress, for my own acknowledgments of self. I’m satisfied over how far I’ve come, and looking forward to seeing the rest of my journey. I am feeling immense relief.

May you have good release moments. May you find not just forgiveness for yourself, but acknowledgement of how for you have grown. May you see and honor God’s guidance. May you know you are love and worthy of anything you desire. May you find ways to help others and make the world a better place. May you be understanding of the growth process and supportive of any steps that help our whole civilization to improve. One drop sends a ripple through an entire ocean. Be a drop of positive change.

Siva Hir Su