Tag Archives: manifestation

A+B=✓?

I know right. It makes no sense.

Neither did my logic today.

I wanted cute toes. Everyone around here has been getting summer pedicures. I thought “that would be nice”. Simple as that, I wanted cute toes like everyone else.

I never fall for what everyone else does. NEVER!

Yet this time I did and manifested myself a pedicure.

By manifested, I mean: I thought about getting one, told Nathan I’d thought about it. He said yes please, and after work we stopped at the nearest nail salon and I walked in. They said pick a color, I did, and then fumbled awkwardly through my half of getting a basic pedicure.

I knew I was out of place. I didn’t fit with everyone else there, it was obvious I had never done that before.

Sitting listening to conversations, all I found myself thinking is- wow people are so shallow. I didn’t like the smells and told myself not to even guess what all the ingredients in the half dozen liquids she used were. I had to distract myself and choose to do so by reading a blog with Andrew Carnegie quotes.

I apologized a dozen times to the tech for not knowing etiquette and proceedures, and left a huge tip for my silliness.

In the end this is what I received/learned:

I don’t mind having pretty toes, but I’m perfectly capable of accomplishing it on my own at home.

I definitely prefer not to use other human beings to accomplish such an insignificant task.

Whatever implied status comes with being financially stable enough to afford paid pedicures on a regular basis, in my opinion should come with enough sense not to. There are much higher uses of time, money, and manpower than making your toes pretty.

This was a logically illogical chain of events to solidify for myself my values and goals. I know that is not me, even if I can afford to do it occasionally. I’d much rather use my money for greater good and longer lasting effects.

I’m definitely not one to just do what others do, and my life has far greater meaning than displays of status.

I’m comfortable being me, hairy legs, no manicures, no pedicures, stocky, and strong. Knocking out tension for others, providing healing, supporting my family, and making this world a better place.

May you all have your moments of greater good clarity. Blessings to you and your loved ones.

“Nobody said it was easy…

No one ever said it would be this hard.” – Coldplay

That’s us.

I’m still waiting to find out if the birth is going to be covered by the insurance I was required to take (per government regulations in December). Insurance that cost me nearly a thousand dollars and my employer over three thousand. By that means alone I think they should have to, being the premium charges are greater than medical services provided to me during eligibility. My birth costs if rejected will be $3200 (that’s about 3 grand less than a hospital birth with no complications), and to-date the insurance has covered $35 of chiropractic and about $200 in labs. I’m still crossing my fingers they cover at least the thousand dollars worth of premiums taken out of my paycheck.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to stay positive, and not having complete success.

I wish life were like college, or school in general. I did great in academics, school was easy. Follow the rules, do your work, and poof you’re done. I Graduated in 4 years with honors, and 2 semesters of double load. I am that person that set/busted test curves and slept through classes to still get A’s.

Life is not that.

What do I mean? It’s a jumbled confusing mess of “wants to’s” vs “have to’s” vs societal dictations vs expectations of/by myself and others.

My baby wants me, just me. Nathan is OK at times, Hannah gets by for a while too, but ultimately, she just wants mommy. All day, and all night, every day.

The problem is, Ian has gotten jealous of her getting all the attention and has started making the same demands, acting out to a very obnoxious and frustrating level.

It’s impossible for me to do the same thing for both children, I must share my time.

Beyond that I’ve been contemplatinging myself, my needs and desires.

Even if I had the luxury of being able to stay home indefinitely, be it working at home or simply retiring due to money plenty, I couldn’t solely devote all of my time to two children. It would drive me insane, my brain requires variety, and lack of variety literally stifles me.

Thus, this month has held the most challenges in just attempting to appease my brain. Too many days inside watching and feeding children has left me stir crazy, but then going out leaves me shaking my head in confusion. I don’t want to spend any more money than necessary to keep savings in case the birth doesn’t get covered, but I still want to have fun. Then I find myself not knowing what fun looks likes anymore. Everything seems like too much work to accommodate two littles and my special diet, & some things just seem plain impossible. I find myself saying I’m not sure what to do, because the old me and the new me (with 2 babies) are 2 different people.

I’ve been attempting to stick to Abraham processes, and my success is still minimal. I work myself up to just fall again. Figuratively and literally.

Figuratively: I have moments where I feel like a naive fool, a wishful idiot, having let myself get hurt. Then I beat myself up for letting it continue to dog me, but have to acknowledge all of the external reminders that contribute to remembering.

I have other moments where I’m overwhelmed with all of the things I’ve yet to finish from before birth, knowing its simply more difficult to get them done when the baby wants to cling to me. I have to stop and acknowledge that I have managed to still accomplish some of them, just not all.

Then I have moments where I panic because it’s time to return to work, and on one hand I want to-finances and variety are needed; but not wanting to on the other-because a large part of me has really been enjoying cuddling with baby and playing with Ian so much.

Those figurative moments have started manifesting literally physically. I’ve fallen 3 times in a little over a week, and I never fall. Previously, my only fall in the last five years was during an attempt at ice skating.

Yet, I’ve fallen tripping over baby’s bouncy seat, luckily I fell sideways and baby didn’t even stir. Then I missed the last 2 steps going downstairs, and fell hard. Baby did notice that one, but was okay more startled and scared than hurt. Hell, that one scared me. I’m still feeling the hurt with several bruises, but it scares me fiercely that I could have really hurt baby. My third fall was on our outdoor swing. It’s one of those bench style with cushions, and I have no idea how, but I hit the ground going to sit on it and knocked the swing off it’s hooks. That after having fallen on the stairs, so baby cried, but again was just startled, as she was snug and safe in the moby.

However, at this point I don’t trust myself, pretty much at all. I’m now to the point that if I have to do something that might cause a fall I either go very slow with baby in a snug sling or I pass baby to someone else. I’ve even stayed upstairs and talked from a distance and tossed things down to avoid going up and down stairs too often. This week has scared me immensely.

So, time to focus, ground, and find some balance.

I want to make my kids happy while still meeting my needs and desires, and meeting necessities of life in a big family. I want enough rest, exercise, and enough variety to keep my brain happy. I want to feel like a productive member of society and be helpful to other humans in need. I want to enjoy my daily activities. I want to feel loved and supported. I want to see my manifestations take shape in wonderful ways. And I acknowledge that the universe knows the solutions for all of these requests and more, so ultimately I want to be in the best receiving mode I can be. I want to allow the divine to assist me with these and all of my requests. My asking is already done.

Relax. Breathe. Believe & Know. Allow. (That’s the hard part!)

To float.

My moment now. 

I have contemplated taking a hiatus from my blog, from a lot really. I’ve been over thinking things I think, or at least over wording them.   

With all my oscillating I’ve spent a significant amount of time meditating and doing things to redirect and pull my vibration back up. It has caused some hermitage on my part.  My posts of late have been much shorter and to the point as a result. 

AND that’s okay. 

Today and yesterday have been mostly good for me,  but it seems that be it collective consciousness vibrations or actual astronomical effects,  there seems to be a special intensity happening.  It seems every time I get even the slightest negative it amplifies quickly and seems to cause nearly immediate not-so-good manifestations.  On the flip side when I stick to the positive, I’m still noticing the amplitude and quick manifestations as well.  So, I’ve done my level best to focus that way, and been mostly successful.

Today,  I started groggy & slow, stressed a bit about running a few minuets late.  Then my 1st lady was in the hospital and 2nd lady decided to skip today.  So I took 20 and readjusted my vibration.  The rest of the day went better, but I’m down 2 more residents,  so work ended up being short & sweet. I’ve refocused several times to acknowledge my work has always had ebbs and flows in quantity of residents & resulting appointments,  and there’s usually not really that much time in an ebb. It’ll all be okay.

I listened to Hicks on  a 20min “lunch” break,  and now that I’ve finished up at my building, I sit in contemplation in the beautiful weather. I know I have 1 more,  an apartment home visit,  but I’m am hour ahead of schedule,  so I’m taking half of it for me, which will still put me ahead of schedule. 

I currently feel very good.  Like anticipating hearing very good news,  though I have not a stitch of evidence to validate it. BUT that’s okay too.

I’m simply doing my best to stay with that feeling, and allow anticipation. I have short moments of anxiety because I don’t know what I’m anticipating,  and really I have no idea what I’m going to do next (in the grander game of life meaning).  I have moments of feeling lost and like I should be doing something.  Shouldn’t I be acting more?! My brain keeps nagging me with that.  Then I pause and refocus… just stay with the good feelings at all costs… anticipation is good,  happy is good… good feelings precipitate good things. That’s my ultimate goal, the good manifestations of my vortex,  already chaulk full of amazing requests, I’ve just got to allow it all in. AND that means feeling good at all costs. 

So,  10 min remaining of sunshine and breezes and mindfullness, before heading to my last appoinment. That is good…. and here comes Woofy, one of the resident’s dogs. 

Super friendly and always happy to receive a pet or two. Instant validation.  Stay happy. 

Finally,  my son is now 3 years old: that’s not only a really good reason to master this law of attraction thing to be a stellar example;  but also it’s a great thing to use to find more happy- a beautiful-smart-healthy 3-year-old boy has made it this far because of  me and Nathan & his big sister. Absolutely giddy making. Mmmm good. 

Here we go; inbound.

Those words met my vision this morning right before a message dinged up on my phone reading “God Bless You”.

Very  synchronistic, no?

It’s definitely been another day of seeing the illusion and more immediate manifestations.

There was a short conversation about officers, and within 2 hours both Nathan & I experienced a “flow” of more officers in our awareness than usual.  Nothing bad, but I saw the vibrational cause & effect.

Nathan’s message was that we’re in pahase 2: expectation. Essentially, we’ve got the basics and we’re leveling up. Needing to work on positive expectation that things go easily and smoothly. I can do that, practice makes perfect.

So then I’m at work, and I started with “everything will go smoothly & I’ll be done by dinner time”.  Sure enough,  it’s 4pm & I’m done with hands on stuff.  Going to invoice a bit & head either to the gym or home (depending on the flow at the  end of invoicing).

I’m really feeling the “go with the flow”. It’s a little scary to me, because especially today that’s meant not much of the old paradigm (work=money). But somehow I strangely feel calm and peaceful that it’s perfectly ok,  and that’s what was supposed to happen. I reminded myself that I asked for divine help and guidance months ago,  and that listening and doing what I’m asked/shown to, is what is needed. If I expect to allow a miracle intervention,  I do indeed need to get out of the way and allow the flow of that- which apparently includes expecting good things regardless of the activities in front of me.

So, to invoice,  whilst I think thoughts of the universe supporting me and solving problems I didn’t even know I had, providing financial flow which is really good,  and maybe even increasing our savings. Mmmm good. 

Dancing like Sugar Plums

So I’ve referenced having had visions of the man on several occasions. It seems that if he returns to my life it is likely not any time soon (unless he’s scheming something and not telling me- entirely possible I’m sure). I know I have given him links to my blog in the past, so this particular post could potentially bite me in the ass.

However, I feel like I need to document what those visions I’ve had were, and take that risk. Partly for me to cling to them because they feel so darn good, and partly as documentation. A, just in case they do pan out, I can validate myself by saying see- I wrote this post back in August 2017 when I was under the impression you had left the mid-west. How was I to know they would actually come to pass?! Honestly, the idea of that conversation feels really, really good! Keep doing that, beating that drum, my 808.

Anyway, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this all in perfectly coherent order, or even very clear, but my goal is to describe all of the insights I’ve had.


The very first one I  had, was giving him a hug. That simple. But it was like a memory of really hugging your mom early in life. I could feel his clothes rubbing my skin. I saw and felt the brown suit-coat he was wearing, I slid my arms between the suit-coat and his shirt and felt the warmth. I could feel the muscles in his back, and smell- the gentle smell of a clean man. I could see his face (but initially on the first several instances I couldn’t see his eyes), I saw the shape of his chin and his cheeks. I whispered in his ear “Thank you” with his name several times. His initial reaction was almost stunned still holding his arms open, and after a few moments he very gently hugged me back. It was a long hug, very comforting.

After experiencing that several times over, I did eventually see his eyes. Beautiful deep brown eyes like Nathans, but his seemed to have honey colored flecks in them. Very expressive and full of emotion. When I first saw his eyes, they were full of fear. Since then they have softened, but still seem to carry concern.



The next vision I had was in a dream. I literally had a dream of myself looking in a big oval mirror. The mirror was very fancy and unlike any in my daily life. I was standing there checking myself, and stopped in awe. I had seen what I was wearing, like really seeing it for the first time, like I had no idea that’s what I had on. It was my reaction in the mirror that caused me to step back in the dream. I could see that I was wearing a beautiful bright red sari with thousands of gold and silver beads on it. It was like the Indian version of the dresses the Jersey gypsies wear in that reality show. Very glitzy and glamorous and very beautiful. I’ve never worn anything like that, even the one time I did wear a sari it was a relatively plain blue one. In the dream I was just in awe at the intricacy of the beading, and how good I looked in it. It was so beautiful that I wanted to cry.

My wedding dress for marrying Nathan was a simple renaissance style dress that I made myself. It cost $200 in fabric, and many hours of sewing, and though I was happy with it, I knew it was not the beautiful traditional wedding dress that most women have. I never really wanted the white dress, but I think I always wondered if the dress I made was as beautiful as I hoped for it to look. I think I convinced myself that it was beautiful enough, but I know there is probably part of me that had wished it was fancier to show how important the occasion was. I know I had looked at some beautiful handmade dresses from England that were made with rich brocade fabrics and had embroidered details. They were the inspiration for my much more plain results.

So, then this dream with the beautiful glitzy red sari, I did actually cry. It was such an amazing dream, and one that is still somewhat unbelievable to me. I have no idea how that would ever actually be possible.


At that point though, I was hooked on this man. After those 2 visions, I thought this guy must be a sure thing. So I created a visualization to guide a vision. When I do that I start by meditating, getting myself into that nice comforting space. Then I start with what I know and build on it, eventually turning lose the reins to see a response. So, I started with the visage that I saw in the first one, the hug. I created him walking into a place like Panera.

I greeted him and hugged him again. Then asked him to sit in a booth and I sat across from him. I told him I’d waited what seemed like forever for that moment and that I was really happy to see him. He just nodded.

I told him about working with Reiki and how it is really just another form of energy that science is just now starting to contemplate. That science hasn’t even scratched the surface of it yet. I asked if I could demonstrate it for him. He nodded again. So I had him hold his hands palms up on the table and put my hands just above his, but not touching. I ran through all of the Reiki elements I have been trained on, plus the 2 that have been “given” to me in more recent years. I finished by pumping pure love,  Ed Edwards style. As I did my half of the visualization I watched for his facial expressions. They ran through a whole array of expressions just like people that I’ve worked with do. When I finished I asked him if he felt anything and he nodded and whispered yes. I asked if he could feel changes or differences at points during what I did, and got the same response.

The first time I did that, that was where I ended (more like ran out of steam, it takes a lot of mental energy to do something like that). I repeated the exercise another time, and on the repeat with the Reiki I told him details about what I was doing and had him nod when he felt a change, so I could move on to the next element. At the end I told him about the pumping my love to him and he started crying. It startled me, so I never did it just that way again. I told Nathan about the crying and Nathan said it made sense to him, but I still feel bad about making the man cry. So much so, that now I just send general love to him and haven’t created that space since.


Somewhere in the midst of that time frame I had another dream, this would have been about October I think. Late last fall anyways.

In the dream I was telling Anya and Ian that I was pregnant. Nathan was sitting next to me on one side, and the man was sitting next to me on the other. As would be expected Ian was unfazed and wandered off to play. Anya however did the “but, but…” protest that I think all older siblings do, especially when they’ve had to help with youngers. I replied: “Well, it’s perfect really. You are your mom and Nathan; Ian is Nathan and me. This baby is me and (the man- I said his name in the dream). It’ll be a perfect blended family, and everyone that’s still alive is here. We’re all one happy family.”

That was where I woke up. I told Nathan the next morning, and he replied “Yeah, I knew that”. I said really, you couldn’t have filled me in. Nathan joked: “Well it seems I didn’t need to!” Geesh.


The kiss came shortly thereafter while I was driving. Just as vivid as the hug. I literally felt his lips touch mine.


I also had several instances where he was thinking about me and I felt it very, very intensely in my body. One of them we conversed about an hour afterward and he confirmed what I felt. There have been several lesser in intensity.


One dream, was a projection of the first time we’re intimate. It was so vivid that it is still surreal to think about. Obviously being a public blog I’m not going to give details on this one, for the sake of any minors that might come across this. However, it is so vivid that I look forward to finding out how accurate the visuals are. I’m pretty sure that if my visuals are accurate I could go clothing shopping for him. It was amazing and left me reeling  with perma-grin the whole following day.



More recently, in response to questions I’ve had, both Nathan and I have had visuals on his soon to be wife. We just wanted to know what she looked like, and how she acted, her general demeanor and disposition. I think we’ve gotten that answer.

I saw her sitting at a desk very focused on books and papers in front of her. Nathan got a similar vision. We both have seen her as very slender,  average height to tall-ish, almost like Anya’s current build. She seems quiet and I’ve only ever seen her hair up in a bun. She also seems very subdued and like she doesn’t want attention, but she’s very pretty. I feel like she wants platonic love (like parents and kids, or siblings share), but isn’t ready or interested in sex or other types of intimacy: because in my visuals she will take hugs every time, but shys away from other actions.

That’s ok, I just wanted to know. I don’t know why I want to know so badly, except for the fact that at some point she may be brought into my life by the man. I don’t like being blind-sided, and I feel like I would be more outwardly welcoming to her with some level of knowing- i.e. my actions try to meet her needs. Otherwise, I feel like if she is willing to deal with me and my family, and accepting of being family with us, then she is welcome anytime, and I’ll do my best to help her feel welcome.


Another vision I had sitting on the sofa watching TV. I literally glazed over watching TV, and started daydreaming. I looked down while in the daydream and saw the man’s head resting on my belly. I realized that he was listening for the heartbeat of baby. I reached down and felt his hair, and rested my hand on his shoulder.

It was a very brief visual, but one that made my heart swell. I felt an expansion of love that was very great and amazing.


Recently I have had moments where I felt like my cheek was being touched. I’ve felt sensations on my lips several times. I have felt hands on my shoulders. All very comforting. Those I can’t specifically say relate to him, but I think of him every time I feel something, so in a synchronicity sort of way, I do feel like they at least encourage thoughts of him.



Then there was the energetic interaction I wrote about in the 2 blogs: “The Why of Love” (June 30th) and follow up in “If nothing else my garden is doing great.” (July 1st). I literally heard him say “It’s not just me, it’s my whole family, my whole life, it’s everything.” I felt like we were having a conversation. One that ended feeling very good in another intimate type feeling interaction. Again very vivid and very surreal. That one was so intense I was almost in disbelief that he wasn’t in the room. It didn’t help that that particular interaction caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting it, and I was actually in the middle of doing something else when it started. It literally distracted me from doing part of my regular routine. I have yet to understand how I’m having such intense experiences with not a stitch of mind altering anything in my system, and especially when the subject at hand is thousands of miles away from me.


Lastly was the lunch meditation at work on July 27th. It was the really good day right before the 2 bad days (wrote about those in “help is on it’s way”). Anyway, I had intended to just have a quiet moment to recenter and ground a bit.

I seemingly slipped into deep meditation very easy on that particular occasion, and instead was drawn into more.

Right away I was taken by an intense visual of a peregrine falcon in dive. I know what this looks like because it was the logo for a small business I worked for at one point. However, in the meditation it was like a real peregrine was right in front of me, super vivid and super intense. That image was swept away by a view of mountains. I felt something on my neck and realized that I was being kissed from behind. I felt hands running down my shoulders and arms. It was nice. I felt a tug and stepped backward to follow it, the view of the mountains was a view from a very large window, curved at the top. The hands guided me backward and I felt the cool sensations of glass block on my back (something I’ve always wanted for the bathroom in the top of the dome). I knew I was in my dome house that I’ve always dreamt of.

The hands were the man. I could hear Nathan and the kids in the background (probably downstairs I inferred). We laid on the bed and I could feel the satiny sheets on my skin. It was so beautiful. I felt so beautiful. I felt loved. I felt peace and calm. I felt like everything was perfect, had gone perfectly, I was blissful. The interactions were all blissful. The breathtaking view was amazing and I just kept thinking this is it, this is the dome. This is Atira.

I know that the energy of that meditation was real, because the rest of the day everyone kept commenting on how good I looked, and complimenting me. What I intended as a quick 5 min grounding turned into a 20 min blissful vision of the future that left ripples for the rest of my day. The gratitude is still intense for me.


That is all of them. At least up to this point. I hope they do come true, but even if they don’t I enjoyed all of the moments. Every last one of them felt good, and still do. I can’t imagine that all of that feeling good doesn’t help. According to Abraham Hicks and Ms. Hay, good feeling visions like that are inspiration and lead to good manifestations in the future. So even if he doesn’t come back, something else good will. That I am going to hold on to, and use this as a reminder.

Finally, thank you for reading all of my ramblings. I know I use a lot of words and write a lot. Nathan teases me about it all the time, because I originally didn’t think I had anything to say that anyone else would want to read. Now I find that I’m mostly writing for myself and it’s a bonus that others find it interesting enough to read. That I appreciate very, very much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

ReBirthing

Normally re-birthing is a process that happens over a few hours in a therapists office. It’s a very specific process that is intended to uncover and work through issues that center around birth and very early childhood, and the resulting body-memory/energy/emotional-set-point  that a person could potentially carry indefinitely.

For me, I have essentially experienced this as a gradual unwrapping over approximately the last 2 weeks (a bit more perhaps). It as happened in little snippets of those intuitive flashes I reference so often. For me the flashes happen as images, short clips like YouTube videos or memories, and sometimes feelings, sounds, and even muscle memory. Anyway, I’m going to relay my unfolding to the best of my ability, and what it has helped me figure out, so that others might be able to glean similar progress.

——-

The Facts I know of my birth from parental stories:

-I was delivered by Cesarean (c-section). My mom was lightly sedated, so upon delivery my father was the first to hold me. Story goes I immediately peed on him and the nurses has to change his gown.

-My mom had blood sugar issues, but no treatment. It was a time when gestational diabetes was still a new-ish diagnosis and diet suggestions were made but not even strictly enforced, no medications were used because they were not widely accepted as safe during pregnancy.

-The doctor was a short man (my dad thought that was hilarious and has joked about it repeatedly over my life) that needed a step stool for delivery. His name Dr. Gupta, he was from India.

-At birth I was Jaundice and spent a few days in critical care nursery. My level of jaundice was so intense my skin looked orange and my dad nicknamed me pumpkin. I also didn’t want to eat for several days, but was tickled into nursing/bottle feedings to keep me hydrated. It necessitated at least an hour of direct sunlight (4 hours suggested) daily to help bring the jaundice down. It took about 2 weeks for my skin to return to relative normal color.

-At the time my mom was the only significant income in the family, so she only had 2 weeks off  (whatever the minimum was for the incision to heal) and went back to work.

———-

Facts about me in general:

-I require regular sunlight or I get depressed.

-I have been told I’m borderline diabetic and was considered Gestational Diabetic during my son’s pregnancy/birth. I controlled the pregnancy and my current state with Diet, Exercise, and certain Supplements.

-When I am very depressed or in a moment of severe negative emotions, my inclination is always to rock myself. I literally sit in a quiet space and close my eyes and rock my body back and forth like in a rocking chair. It is nearly always the only thing that helps when I’m at my worst.

-I don’t believe that I have actual conscious brain memory of my birth, but there is possibility of subconscious memories or body/muscle memory.

——

The intuitive flashes I’ve “received”, which may or may not be 100% accurate, please know that these all happened in meditative space, I have not consumed any mind altering drugs:

-I had a visual clip of the doctor rocking and rocking my bassinet in the nursery and humming/singing quietly to me.

-I had a similar clip of my dad’s early interactions, lots of bouncing, holding me and touching me with furrowed brows and very stiff movements. Another clip of the moment after I peed on him, being held in mid air (almost like Simba from Lion King) while nurses wiped my dad off and put a new gown or blanket over him.

-I had a moment where I felt the sensations of the rocking in the nursery, the lights seemed too bright so I closed my eyes, I felt very scared and wanted to cry, and then the rocking started and the humming/soft singing started shortly after.

-I had a moment where I felt very scared because I didn’t know where mom went. Dad was there but I really felt like “I want mom”, again making me feel like crying.

-I had a visual of my mom in the rocking chair by the window (at home), rocking me and singing.


My current interpretation based on all of those elements put together:

Mom was all I knew before birth. I perceived her as being my protector. Yet, she was unable to protect me from sugar, and I got far too much sugar while in-vitro. She did her best, and especially after birth, once I was home, she really worked hard to try and make up for it, rocking and rocking me, singing to me, like the doctor had done.

My dad loved me, but being a man from his generation, didn’t really understand how to interact lovingly with a newborn. Men were simply not taught how to do that. He was doing his best, but I as an infant without words could tell he was just different from mom, and I wanted the feeling place of mom, really I wanted the feeling place of what the doctor started.

As an adult I’ve learned a lot about alternatives. I perceive the doctor, even though he functioned through western medicine, probably had beliefs regarding spirit and it’s ability to heal because of his upbringing. I think that immediately he saw a beautiful baby girl, that was very special (I’m certain that my skin tone evoked memories of certain rituals in India) and that he knew I needed a little extra TLC. I think he was so touched by my appearance that he simply wanted to help me heal. He would have gone to his upbringing and did what would have been done in India. Attempting to connect me with my inner self, my spirit, to heal my body. So, he didn’t hold me directly, knowing that babies can get attached to those first few people in their lives. He rocked my cradle and sang to me, helping to calm me and soothe me so that my body could heal.

Now he probably thought that not actually holding me for any length of time exempted him from me getting attached. Unfortunately my new understanding is that I did anyway. For the first few days of my life, he was the only significant interaction outside of my mother at nursing time. Holding me or not, his interactions helped to soothe me and did help to heal me, so I attached anyway. His presence was a God send in an otherwise harsh sterile environment, and I now have no doubt that it was a major influence in decisions that I have come to over time. I simply didn’t know that I was making decisions based upon that interaction.

What do I mean?

I went searching for that feeling place early on in life. I was in 4th grade the first time I tried someone else’s church: a Pentecostal church (prior to that we’d gone solely to dad’s Mormon church). The Pentecostal church was fun, but didn’t give me that feeling. By the end of middle-school I’d been to the Quakers, Lutherans, Methodists, and Catholics. By high-school I’d read the Bible (blaech-boring and so damn convoluted with contradictions), Sidhartha, most of the Tao de Ching, and had looked up tons information on Confucianism and Zen Buddhism. I was a junior in high-school the day that my friend Erin invited me to her home, which doubled as the Buddhist temple, to speak with Lama Renpoche. It was a very expansive experience, being 2 hours of 5 high-schoolers speaking with an esteemed Buddhist leader. It answered some of my questions, but not all of them. It was about that time that I started learning about Paganism and Hinduism. Between the knowledge of the 3 paths, I found mine. I called myself pagan, because no other label really fits, no one box label is truly accurate, because honestly I just blend what works for me. Adding hindsight about the birth, explains why I resonate with mantras, it’s likely that that is what the doctor was singing to me. Regardless the feeling place of being rocked in the cradle with the mantras being sung is evoked when I meditate, and I would not have found meditation if not for learning about Buddhism and Hinduism. So the attachment to that doctor guided me to find the knowing.

Fast forward, and my birth again guided me when I went to have Ian. I knew that I wanted my child to have an amazing birth. A loving birth. Essentially, I wanted my child to have the experience that I was denied, I wanted the opposite of my birth. I went to great lengths to ensure a home water birth while having “Gestational Diabetes”. I stuck to it because I was deciding for someone that had no say. And I did.

Ian’s birth was nearly perfect. 12.5 hours of labor, as gentle as could be. Soothing warm water surrounded me for three quarters of it. Ian was born in occiput posterior (OP) position (really most of labor was that way), but my midwife was unfazed by the positioning and so I was fine too. I knew I was in capable hands and that helped the birth experience go great. Ian was born, and with the exception of a very brief removal of the cord from his neck, I was the first person to hold, to touch my child in those soothing warm waters. Dad (Nathan) reached forward around me and held his tiny hand. It was a very soothing wonderful experience. Even when we finally got out of the birth tub, it was 10 steps to bed and cuddle time for essentially 24 hours straight. Blissful.

I have said and will continue to say that Ian’s birth went as perfectly as any mom could expect, and I know that a major part of that was my willingness to do whatever that took with diet, exercise, and mindfulness.

The only thing that I would have changed was how much time I took off of work afterward. I too was the sole income for our little family (perhaps another remnant of my birth re-manifesting), so I only got 3 weeks off and even during that 3 weeks I did work a little. I sincerely hope that Ian can forgive me for that when he gets older. We minimized my working as much as possible, but when you are the only source of money, it’s unavoidable to return to work sooner than you’d like.

My birth experiences as a baby led to greater effort on my part and decisions that produced entirely the opposite experience for my child. I am ever so grateful for that. I can not fully put into words the relief I felt when I realized that. It was a very healing realization.

That being said, I love myself even more. I appreciate that I was able to undo a well accepted and well established “necessity” to provide my child a loving birth. I appreciate that the energy of the birth experience far outweighed my desire to take the easy route with medicine and a hospital birth. I appreciate that my efforts will likely turn into better manifestations for my son later in his life, and hopefully a better understanding of my love for him.

—–

The only thing that remains from my rebirthing is this cycle of Indian men ‘loving and leaving’. I can see the pattern now. I can see that I keep inviting them into my life when I need help the most, my darkest hours. And like the doctor at my birth they duck out when the worst of the storm is over. It’s really more of a quiet unnoticed exit, as in you can’t see me, so now is my chance. This latest man is the 3rd such repeat of this cycle: one when I was a child in school, and the other -Rajesh- as an adult.

At this point, now that I see the pattern, I find myself reiterating that I would like for one of them to stay. I would like for one of them to love me enough to be a permanent part of my life. As much as I appreciate the healing they provided, I want to wipe the idea of detached from their slate. And perhaps it’s because I can see that even though they tried to remain detached, there is really no such thing. If I have these memories, I have these feelings, I have these associations, then there is an attachment- for better or worse.

You don’t remember things that you don’t care about. Do you remember what color your shoelaces were on a pair of shoes from 3rd grade? Do you remember what you ate for lunch the 3rd Monday of 4th grade? Do you remember all of your clothes from your entire childhood? No they were things that you were not attached to, so your brain didn’t lock them away. You might remember your favorite item or events from each school year, or your most precious toys, but you won’t remember them all. You simply didn’t attach to them all.

To me attachment is an inevitable subtle side-effect of caring. When you care, it affects you, and then you remember those things, those events, those places, those people. I want the things that affect me in that way to leave happy feelings, like childhood vacations and favorite meals.

Yet, my current experience of 3 of the 4 Indian men in my life is regret. Regret that I wasn’t able to convey my appreciation for them being there. Regret that they got away without knowing truly how much they helped me. Wishing that I had said or done something that would have led them to reconsider leaving. Wishing that they could have taught others in my life a better way (though that mostly pertains to the doctor in regards to my dad’s interactions).

So, it all boils down to love (thanks Ms. Hay :/ ). Those are all symptoms of love. Those are all aspects of interactions based on love. I couldn’t tell them that they helped me and that I loved them for it, and yet those that remained in my life were somehow unable to do what those men did. It also boils down to my ability to love myself and find that connection. Those men taught me how, but I don’t seem to be able to maintain it consistently to this day. I can’t spend all day sitting in the sun rocking myself and singing mantras. I can’t convince myself indefinitely that things will really be all right. Oh, I have my moments like that, I can do it for a few minutes here and there, even a few  hours at a time, but all day every day is where I slip. I have yet to find their level of zen. SO then I want them to stay, because maybe I could absorb it vicariously through them.

That’s probably not healthy either. It must be another lesson on learning to love myself. I find it interesting that every layer of the onion produces one round of healing and another yet to solve. I love and forgive myself over birthing experiences, but have yet to figure out a way to love and heal myself in regards to interactions with other adults. Perhaps the point at which my memories of the men no longer carry regret, I will have one decide to stay. But maybe that is just a belief needing revised too. Some days I feel like all of my work is on myself, and that the interactions with life are merely the filler.

 

 

 

Ummmmm, yeah, it’s like that.

Another intense day to round out the week. It was HOT- 97*, though it felt like more. They have estimated that it might break 100* this weekend. Blah. Otherwise it was beautiful: bright, sunny, cloudless sky. Pretty flowers in full bloom everywhere. It was a work day for me, so I spent the day driving through Johnson County with perfectly manicured lawns and gardens, trees and shrubs.

The energy and messages flowed greatly. I felt very connected today. It was darn near blissful at several points. I don’t really know how to describe it fully, as I feel it through my whole body. Blissful, orgasmic, and intense seem to be the best descriptors. Regardless, everything went very well, and I even got to meditate over lunch. Even my meditation was intensely wonderful today.

On my drive into work I replayed the conversation (from yesterday) I had with the therapist relinquishing a building to me. It’s the new work to be had shortly. Basically, she confessed that I was the only therapist that she was able to come up with that was familiar with elder care. She said that she used to know 2 other ladies that did elder massage, but that they had retired. I also said that I had only known of a couple of other therapists doing a significant amount of elder care, but never actually met them, so I guessed she might have been one of them. Her concern was finding someone that actually knew the environment, how to work with the residents and what to expect and look for.  She essentially did a short phone interview with me to ensure that was the case. We talked about which buildings I go to, how I function, and what I charge. It was a good conversation.

Anyway, upon replay I realized that essentially what this conversation means is that when she has fully relinquished the building to me, I will have a monopoly on Elder Care in the Kansas City Metro Region. That is to say, I will be the only massage therapist that solely provides elder care massage as my whole business. I’m sure that there are a handful which see one or 2 people in the environment which I work, therapists always make exceptions for their favorite people. However, most therapists do those exceptions on the side as extra income above and beyond their “stable” office environment (be it chiro, spa, or stand alone).

Now, on one hand that’s awesome. At one point I commented to someone that it would be great if I had “all” of the buildings and was as busy as I could handle making a decent living. So this is literally a somewhat delayed manifestation of that.

On the other hand, “all of the buildings”, is not really all the buildings. There are many buildings that choose not to get involved in facilitating a connection between resident and therapist. You see, massage is still not considered medicine, and is barely gaining ground as Complimentary Alternative Medicine. So, it’s not covered, at all, hardly ever. Out of the approximately 30 well established buildings in the metro, there’s only 6 that have bothered to directly facilitate introducing therapists to the residents. There are only 2 of those that will actually intervene in the billing process, and only one of them for individual full weekly sessions. It’s just not worth their time, or at least as the corporate world perceives it. Furthermore, though insurance covering massage would dictate an exorbitant amount of paperwork, it would finally cause facilities to acknowledge it’s usefulness.

So, ultimately I end up contemplating the long term ramifications of this. It’s what I do. I see a work situation where there are 2 sides and I have to decide which side I want to invest time into.

So, I could take this building, add it to my schedule and proceed as she did, essentially just adding a few hours of work to my week, and call it done.

Or, I could pursue the aforementioned problem of buildings not dealing with massage and potentially create a situation where I would need to train  others and figure out the logistics of sub-contractors (short-term) and/or employees (long-term). Depending on the building environment, if I was able to convince others to be more on board, I might even then need someone to do paperwork/invoicing/client files, or some data system to automate it.

Essentially, I would have to market to buildings again from the stand point of this is why you should facilitate massage- of which the list is great in elder care. I have plenty of reasons why it’s a good thing not just for the resident, but also for the building itself. I would be educating the buildings on things I’ve facilitated in the past, which might even open up opportunities to do Continuing Ed with the staff (I’d need to pay NCBTMB extra to be able to do that in an official capacity).

Then I would probably have to interface with all of the massage schools in the metro to see if their elder care course was up to snuff to produce valid candidates for sub-contracting/employment. PROBABLY NOT, I went to a great massage school in Iowa, and it still didn’t cover elder care massage adequately, their course was mostly about meds, diseases that typically are seen in elderly, and the 3 basics: no heat, ice, or deep pressure. That’s all good information, but I learned so many things on the job, it’s not even funny. For instance, carrying around my table lasted all of a week before I realized it was more of a liability than a benefit, and I have probably at least a hundred examples similar to that.

Though I like the ramifications of success that come with the latter scenario, there’s part of me that likes the more laid back, mellow, lower stress of the former. Either way, I’m appreciating in myself the credence, insight, awareness, and trustworthiness that I’ve gained working in the environment. Nathan too, pointed out that I am proficient at what I do, professional with everyone, and experienced, which gives people a sense of confidence in my abilities. That definitely goes a long ways.  Essentially, I have mastered my current trade. I like acknowledging that I have mastered what I do. I also like knowing that I could potentially build what I do into a larger business with several staff members.

However, I’m not so sure that even on a larger scale that it would be profitable enough to make all the work worthwhile. Unfortunately, until people recognize all the myriad of benefits of massage as being very valid in a medical setting, and additionally eliminate the association between dollar and minute, massage will not be a very profitable endeavor. The only businesses that make money off of massage are paying their therapists like crap ($10-15/hr), and I refuse to do that, which means my profits would be slimmer. So I’d have a heavy labor intensive route to make a very little money. That is very counter to how I even got into elder care in the first place. I’ve not convinced myself it’s worth it yet.

However, I’ve not shut the door on that possibility either. I would love to see massage more widely accepted and less about dollar per minute, but to do that someone has to do the dirty work that I’ve described. In an ideal world I see massage billed to insurance just like a doctor or chiropractor. Fees based upon area(s) worked. A chiropractor bills insurance (or even cash visits) based upon how many adjustments were done, the more adjustments, the more expensive. There’s no reason a massage can’t be charged the same way.

There are residents I work with that I could do everything 10 times over and still not make an hours time because they are simply so frail and fragile that I can’t focus that intensely on their muscle tone. Those residents still get a full head to toe massage, they still get a full head to toe Reiki treatment, but I would be hard pressed to meet an hour. Additionally, they still benefit, their mood still shows improvement, their blood pressures stay lower, edema swelling is kept at bay, and they get enough movement to help stave off skin tears and bed sores. My job has been done, and done well, regardless if I’ve spent exactly 60 minutes rubbing them.

One the other hand I have had residents that an hour is simply not enough. Be it their particular health situation, perhaps their physical size, their mobility limitations necessitating extra help, and even situations involving anxiety or other mood disturbances. I once had a resident that I invested two and a half hours attempting to just get a fairly decent head to toe massage. At the end of that time I gave up with about 3/4 having been done, knowing that I would still only get paid for one hour.

For you see: massage is, even with elderly, defined as hands-on time only is paid by the hour. Whatever your rate is by the hour, is paid only based upon the time your had hands on the client. I have fought that very issue the whole 4+ years I’ve been in elder care. I don’t get paid for wandering a building trying to track people down. I don’t get paid waiting for Nurses’ Aids to accommodate someone’s mobility or restroom needs. I don’t get paid for redirecting their Dad’s/Grandpa’s verbal lapses and questionable activities. I don’t get paid for keeping loved ones from falling out of chairs or beds, or answering anxious cries for help. I don’t get paid for waiting for housekeeping, or the salon, or any one of several other therapy sessions to wrap up so that I can get my session in (being lowest on the totem pole), and I sure as heck don’t get paid for my drive time or expenses. Yet families still complain about my $40 whole visit or $20 half visit charge as being too vague because: grandma said she didn’t get all of her hour, or mom doesn’t even remember you coming, or that seems awfully pricey for such a short massage. Never mind, I travel to them, they never have to worry about expensive or inconvenient transportation scheduling.  I schedule around ALL of their other needs, even playing bridge with the girls. I bend over backwards to make sure that they are as comfortable as possible, and I limit needing to adjust or re-position them as much as possible, which often means fetching blankets and pillows and navigating any one of a number of different automatic beds or recliners. I’ve combed hair, cleaned faces and hands, I’ve helped Aids do their jobs, and I have fetched things for residents thousands of times, including drinks and food.

Now, I don’t say this to just complain about those aspects. I say this to point out the elephant in the room. That massage is billed at the “expensive” rates that it is because there are always behind the scenes things that would otherwise be “working for free”. Or, overhead would be uncovered, and businesses would fail repeatedly. I actually have the lowest fees of anyone in the metro. Perhaps that is how I slowly gained the monopoly. And I did it by eliminating as much as possible, cutting corners on my side where I could, and otherwise just eating the bullet knowing that I put in 36 to 48 hours a week and usually actually see pay for roughly half that. If it weren’t for the trade I do for my tax accountant, I probably would have failed years ago. Her skills with my tax return have ensured that I always remain afloat, just to make sure that other peoples’ dear ones are well cared for. That is my mission in life.

I have said millions of times over, my goal is always that the person I’m working with feels better when I leave than when I walked in and I always do my best to make that happen. Sometimes it is futility in action, sometimes it is an ever so short span of relief, but if I can even provide a little relief from the discomforts of aging, then I have done my job well. Now, I can say that I know this to have been true for the last 4 years, because I am the only therapist left standing. I’m the only one that had the fortitude, the knowledge, the strength (mentally and emotionally), and the stamina to keep going and keep helping when the odds were stacked against me. I managed to keep my costs down to encourage as many people to get massage as possible. I managed to learn quickly, stay focused, and help educate families and staff on the importance of massage. I’ve given talks, I’ve done free events, I’ve shaken thousands of hands, and I’ve given helpful advice when and where I could. All of that work has finally paid off, if not financially, at least metaphorically. I am the standard of care in Elder Care massage for the Kansas City Metro area. I am the only one left to turn to for advice, counsel, or appointments. So, I have to decide if it will end with me when I retire from massage, or if I will attempt to grow a business that will potentially not only keep Elder Massage going, but possibly gain better footing for the field and create expansion.

And all when I thought I was going to have some miracle allow me to move to Colorado and build Atira. Could life get any more confusing? Don’t answer that Universe! Maybe there’s a both answer lying in there for me somewhere…. I always have liked BOTH answers.