Tag Archives: manifesting

Why Live?

I am a little confused and frankly a bit angry with God at the moment.

Abraham has been quite clear over the years that if you raise your vibration, then people that are too far outside of your vibration are supposed to be deterred energetically. The vibrations bounce off of each other and you simply fail to connect.

Yet my daily experience is not showing that yet.

I have been over the “C” word for quite some time now. I am not afraid of sickness at all and frankly I’m quite perturbed that a system seemingly enjoying and profiting off of ill health (frequently caused by viral infections) seems to care less about actually solving viral diseases, especially from the ‘you caught it, now what’ side.  Particularly since we have many that are carried lifelong and do more damage than this silly one does, and many of those known systemic assassins are horribly under diagnosed and severely mis-treated or un-treated. My own health journey has demonstrated that in a huge way, and I still have more hope through alternatives than western medicine even pretends to offer. I think that all this nonsense is just that, and I’m done giving a flying eff about it.

Yes it’s another disease, yes it’s going to kill people, get over it, and if you want to be an effing scardy cat leave me out of it.

Yet, I keep interacting with them. I dropped my two ladies like a bad habit when I hit my limit with their spouting nonsense, and today I got a replacement at the office.

At one point after saying “I simply can’t live in fear anymore”, he decided to argue that it isn’t fear. I literally started repeating “I’m done talking now, I’ll stop talking now, please stop talking.” After several repetitions, he merely paused for 30 seconds before he started trying to argue at me. I didn’t respond and let him rant at me while I finished the last 10 minutes of his 30 minute back massage. I was glad I was wearing a mask because I’m certain I breathed fire at one point towards the end- my inner dragon definitely tried to rear it’s head.

Here’s the deal, if you’re in a place where you feel the need to rant at a massage therapist, the massage is probably months overdue, and why did you even bother. It was obvious that my role there was not to fix muscle tension, as he was quite comfortable with it and didn’t want to let go of anything long enough to solve the muscle tension. No, he wanted a captive whipping boy, and I’m good enough at taking abuse from men that I didn’t end the session and walk out. I suppose that was my vibrational lapse. Thanks dad.

But that takes me to my last point: if you feel the need to argue with a complete stranger that you sought out for help, there’s probably a greater problem within you that you are not acknowledging. No stranger should ever be subjected to your desire for a fight, but it seems that the world is set on destroying each other at the most rapid pace possible. It’s not bad enough we have viral diseases that can cause cancer, it’s not bad enough that we have other cancers that kill people regularly, it’s not bad enough we have rampant heart disease, it’s not bad enough you could die from any one of several viral/parasitic/bacterial diseases, it’s not bad enough that we could die in an accident at any time- no, let’s find new and more ways to stir and continue fights and kill each other off. Let’s get creative on the attacks and methods of destruction for our own race. Let’s enjoy making explosive toys that take lives and ruin history for humanity. That’s a great idea.

After the 30 minute massage under duress, I spent the following hour fuming. All his arguing only pissed me off, but I’ve got enough sense now, that I ranted to myself on a drive home and let it go (mostly, I’m hoping this finishes it off). None of what he said changed my mind, none of what he said persuaded me to feel differently about this disease, and OH he tried. He really wanted to scare me, he did his best. He gave me every excuse, every lame scare tactic, every ‘chicken-little sky-is-falling’ line he could think of. He thought I had bought into political antics over it and started to rant about “listen to the politicians” at which point I calmly stated  “oh, I don’t listen to any of those ass-hats on either side”. He stammered and continued to rant at me about everything he could think of.

I sincerely hope he never comes back.

The one thing I didn’t say, that I later wished I had is: “Why are you so afraid of dieing from covid when there’s little if anything to live for right now?”

It’s a question I posed to God in the hour after during my solitary releasing rant.

I don’t get the point of it all. On one hand God wants you to see the value of living and our reason for being here, but on the other hand I continue to be inundated by fear mongerers when I have done my level best to distance myself from them.

I struggle to see reasons to keep reaching and living.

I have a beautiful family I deeply care for, but we can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything fun, have no life to speak of. My two toddlers have gotten to go to playgrounds 3 times in the last 7 months and they were all recently, right before the weather turned cold. I spend 6 to 7 days a week wearing a mask and only seeing clients. I haven’t seen smiles on anyone’s faces for most of the year. The only child in my family to see friends was the teen, and she’s only had a few such instances.

Movie theatres have closed, restaurants are barely functional unless you can tolerate weather to sit outside. Businesses I used to frequent have gone belly up and that’s just the local small ones. Several long-standing national chains have gone belly up and others have downsized to the extreme. Malls are functioning at fractional capacity, and everywhere you turn people are ducking away from each other.

This is not life. This is not a world worth living in. Everyone is so afraid of catching a new disease that every other part of our enjoyable existence has crumbled.

If you’re not a hardcore outdoorsy type willing to be outside in any weather, then your options became severely limited. But then again, there’s the giant plume of smoke to encourage people to stay inside anyways. I have been outside more than my family because I simply must have daylight and exercise, so I went for many long walks in parks alone. I pushed my family to do likewise, but they like most of America chose to stay safe and stay home, mostly inside, an hour or two of backyard play a day.

It’s quite sad and disheartening, and I am far more worried about the fate of humanity than my own life in regards to a stupid virus.

I told God, instead of continuing to torture me an my family indefinitely, he could just take us out. God could literally align us with a quick easy exit in seconds, and frankly I think I’m okay with that at this point. I’d much rather have an exit for my family than more of this shit.

Medical systems more concerned about money and politics, than solving disease.

Political systems more concerned about money and war, than solving problems for their constituents.

General populations more concerned with fighting each other and picking sides, then coming together for real compromise based solutions.

Weapons of mass destruction becoming bigger, stronger, more plentiful, more easily accessible, more readily used on each other, and people finding enjoyment in that. Buy all the guns, bigger, shinier, more powerful, and make sure you practice with them. Tell yourselves it’s for the apacolypse, just in case the zombies get you, but ignore the fact that your toys invite reasons to use them.

Race wars, gender wars, marriage rights wars, money wars, political wars, religious wars. Could we possibly invent more reasons to go to war? Don’t answer that. There are enough in my awareness as it is.

It’s all too much, and the good smear is wearing very thin. I really, really have to focus, all day, every day, to see the good in my existence.

It’s becoming more and more challenging and I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I was promised that if I worked at focusing on the good, that eventually it would get easier, yet it never does. Every day seems to get harder and harder to stay focused on the positives. WTF God?!?!


Today I watched cartoons with the kids. We perched in the recliner in front of the fireplace and there were two kids and two cats surrounding me. The recliner couldn’t hold any more if I’d have wanted it to. It was a good moment, and one that stemmed from a strong desire to see good in my world. It was a happy moment.

I really need God to understand that my segment of the matrix really must start showing improvement or I’d rather exit. Unfortunately, I am in the distinct awareness that if I exit, my family is quite doomed and thus if the matrix doesn’t improve then God really must take us all.

There really must be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, to keep reaching for better. There must be a life worth living and enjoying.

I don’t need anyone trying to convince me to live hiding in fear, I need more people willing to live fully. I need positive aware people in my experience. I need open minded solution oriented people in my experience. I need people willing to love and be loved and to work themselves towards better. I need people working on their own thoughts and beliefs to raise their vibrations and reach for better. I need to see improvement that I have worked so hard to find to start manifesting around me.


May you have reasons to live. May others let you live in peace. May you see mostly good. May you enjoy your experience mostly. May the negativity and negatives die. May you know you are supported and that the only thing to fear is fear itself. May your efforts matter and may unwanted experiences bounce off of you.

Siva Hir Su

Upside Down

Abraham Hicks has often said to not give a lick what others think. One should live a life that feels good, not try to fit others’ moulds. Happiness lies in being the self regardless of others’ opinions.

My only question in response to that is:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

My early days of school I had two really good friends that I did everything with. Yet, moving because of dad’s jobs crushed that, I was too young to keep up with them without parental assistance, and I am certain they think I just fell off the earth.

I spent all of middle school, at two different schools, being bullied as the new fat kid, and my parents told me to just ignore them and move on. And as a family we did, moving twice more by the middle of freshman year of highschool.

In highschool, it was rough to try and make friends. I figured out I was too smart and fat to be the popular kid, not geeky enough to hang with the science kids, not sporty enough to spend time with athletes, and not dramatic enough to chum with the theatre kids. So since my solace was already music, I spent a disproportionate amount of time in the band or practice rooms. When not there, mostly for lunch hour, I hung with the misfits. Being a small school, there was the pot-head, the 2 pregnant girls, the confederate-flag-flier, the pick-pocket, and about 4 of us that just didn’t fit with anyone else. They were my friends for all of the rest of highschool. I was never invited to parties, picnics, or any other gatherings. If I wasn’t playing in a band function or in class, I wasn’t around other kids. I didn’t even get to date, and when I was old enough to go to prom, I went as a 3rd wheel with the 2 friends from the misfit group that were dating. I was always the odd one out.

College wasn’t any better, transferring schools twice due to financial dilemmas. My roommates freshman year were mostly good people, but one of the 3 had a horrible personality clash with the rest of us. We battled it all year and after I transferred home to community college, I never heard from any of them again. I didn’t go to parties, and only dated one other person before meeting Nathan. Having been set up with that person I gave it a fair chance, 3 dates, and I was horribly unimpressed by our mismatch and gave up.

Nathan was the first person to invite me to anything. He was the first person to genuinely care how my days had gone and what I was up to. He invited me to social functions and gatherings, introduced me to his wife and girlfriend and all of his friends. He met my friends from high school, which at that point were renting space in my mobile home. He even knew some of the people from my highschool from having had met them in other venues. It was nice. We meshed well and he was genuinely interested in me, who I was and what I was about and who I hung out with (even if it was infrequent).

Fast forward to KC. When we got here we landed with people we thought were decent friends. The helped us get here but very quickly got frustrated when our job search didn’t pan out as well as hoped. Finally, one of them got us in with less than spectacular jobs at the school bus, and we were given a short deadline to get our own place.

7 months later Nathan had his hospital journey and I did my best to reach out for help to everyone we knew. Nothing.

By that point my highschool, and our few college friends, were scattered to the winds (and still are). So I really wasn’t surprised they couldn’t help; but I had hoped even some of the newer KC friends would at least give some helpful tips/resources, send some get well cards, or pay a visit. None of them did anything. It was very very frustrating.

On one hand, the sink or swim situation made me stronger and even more capable. On the other hand fumbling through medical and welfare systems and trying to avoid homelessness alone was really shitty. I would have given anything to just have someone to talk it over with.

Later we we met a couple that moved in next door. We got along really well, and we are still friends, but their friendship has mostly manifested in facebook posts and the occasional online invite to a party or gathering. It’s just not the deep friendship I crave.

I also have noted that I seem to screw up the few good friendships I did manage to create.

This very blog started 5 years ago when one friend in our homeschool group gave us an extra trailer on her property to live in. It needed a lot of work and she said that when she gave it to us. I thought I could handle it and started the rehab. 2 years into the struggle I gave up and we moved back to the city, unfortunately never getting that trailer to real usability. It seems to have ended the friendship as she doesn’t really talk to us anymore. It makes me sad, because I really did try. I wanted to make it work in a very significant way, I just couldn’t handle everything that the trailer needed to be a safe home, on top of life itself, and it exhausted me in many ways just trying.

Then the friendship that helped us get back into the city ended in chaotic blame. There was a problem, we may or may not have actually caused. It was something that could have started any number of ways, but we took all of the blame. Every last bit, and there was a torturous splitting of ways that still leaves me hurt. There are so many elements of that relationship that I had hope for, but there were people involved of poor character and I couldn’t tolerate the abusive nature of the one person. It was too much like my father and having overcome that, I was not kind in responses to their behavior. I feel like the blame that was placed on us was unfairly extreme, especially knowing that it could have been caused by other factors, and I had gone out of my way in so many other ways. I had literally spent thousands on supplies, groceries, utilities, and work I had done to make it functional for us all. Yet, not a single ounce of my efforts was acknowledged, only the assumption that I or my family was to blame for the problem. AND Abraham does say often that everything in your experience is your own fault, so whether I directly caused it or not, it was at least energetically attracted, thus my fault I suppose.

There have been other friendships that ended when I quit putting forth the effort, feeling like they were one-sided, and I guess I was right because the moment I quit trying they ceased.

So for the last 2 years we have had no significant interactions. Only the pair that used to be neighbors, and we’ve attended a half dozen of their gatherings.

I told the current office friend:

“BTW: funny, not funny, you have to live. You’re my only actual friend right now. You’re the only person beyond Nathan that has conversations with me outside of my table. … Thank you for caring.”

She replied with friendships aren’t easy and it takes work. I told her I do my best, but it never seems to be good enough. We talked about several other things and she told me it will get better. I hope she is right.

I’m not saying this to be Debbie-Downer or sound whiney. I’m genuinely curious.

On one hand I wonder if I should have let the depression win when I was younger and there wasn’t anyone beyond parents and siblings to care I died. If I had killed myself before Nathan, then it would have been the least impact. As is it, if I ended my futility game, it seems like it would now be a burden to my loving husband and children. That keeps me trying to reach for better.

However, I have reached a place where I’m just tired. Maybe its a little of everything all trying to burry me. Maybe I’m just rehashing old negative patterns. Maybe it’s letting too many other people’s energy or thoughts into my awareness. Regardless, I’m tired of trying to do all the work, tired of always having to improve myself, tired of fighting for better when it doesn’t really seem to matter. I am ready to just give into the loner mentality. Accept that aloof independence like a cat, as after all I have always tended to identify with cats. One doesn’t have to have anyone in their life, existence can be done alone or together, and maybe I am supposed to experience this life from the loner perspective. If that is the case “Resistance is Futile”.

Then again maybe life really doesn’t matter, any way you look at it. Maybe it is a construct created by others to persuade you to keep torturing yourself. If that is the case, there aren’t even very many others in my life to matter. The handful that would care hardly seem worth the struggle, only Nathan carries the pang of regret in that statement.

My life matters to less than a dozen people, and 4 of those would be merely inconvenienced by my not showing up to work. The rest are all family, either biological or via Nathan.

Abraham says that life shouldn’t be effort. That we can find ourselves and our inner being, and thus find happiness without effort. If we do that we will have all of the good things, and supposedly in a fairly consistent flow.

Yet, I find those moments of release and still mind, through effort. The ways that work best for me are mantras, guided meditation, yoga, or doing artwork. All of those require some effort on my part. The extra kicker is that it doesn’t last. The moment I stop doing one of those activities, my brain seems hell-bent on either just hamster-wheeling or heading back to negative. So my meditation feeling wears off fairly quickly.

Very few days, do I manage to stay buoyant, and those days are the ones I manage to keep the hamster on the positive thoughts. It’s not as rare as it used to be, but for as much effort as I have put into it, it doesn’t manifest as frequently as I would like either.

So then pile on top of this, the knowing that I don’t really have any friends, and especially none that can help me pull up, I wonder why I’m here.

Sometimes, I would just like someone to talk to and work through things. Because I struggle to do it on my own, I keep hoping that there would be someone to help. Someone that cared as much as Nathan and maybe was a bit better at helping. Nathan tries, but he either plays whipping boy or tries to over compensate and becomes obnoxiously bubbly happy. Neither really works for me, and I always feel horrible about having hurt him when he turns into whipping boy, even if it is all just verbal. I need the middle road to work out of a hole and reach for better, and in my adult life, that middle road has been found through herbs and mirror work all by my lonesome.

I give my heart to people and genuinely care about them. Will it ever matter?

So yes, my quandary from above:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

I’m doing the work to improve myself, have been for years. I care about others, maybe too much. However, it is not in their opinion of me so much, as I do mostly what I want- I don’t shave, I wear what I want and don’t wear makeup, I work when and how I want, I do jobs that I want, and when I have a chance for recreation or hobbies I do mostly what I want. No, I care as in they are human beings I would like to know, I care that they are getting by okay, I offer assistance when I can, and I am always willing to make time for people I would like to know.

When do I find my reciprocation that makes it all worth it. When do the relationships I desire manifest? When do I align with others that are also doing their best to improve themselves and can honor and respect me for my efforts. I do want those significant others, but I would also love to have genuine solid strong friendships. When will there be people that care about me as a human, as much as I do them?

It’s not whine fest, just an acknowledgement of my law of attraction process and another topic that isn’t manifesting as noticeably as I thought it would have by now. Clarification from Abraham or Shiva is welcome.

May you have your clarifying moments to provide greater understanding. May you find that you have ample friendships and/or significant others. May you feel loved and supported by both humans and God. May you find your inner being in easy least effort ways, and manage to maintain that feeling mostly. May your hamster-wheeling cooperate with you. May you find that you have just the right people in your life when you need a certain kind of pick-me-up. May you have all of the support and guidance you need. May your loneliness always be replaced with a sense of feeling the divine. May you understand all of your challenges. May you know the angels are watching over you, and it is okay to live life upside down, that you will still have everything you want and desire eventually.

Siva Hir Su

Lyrics
Angels watching over me
With smiles upon their face
'Cause I have made it through this far
In an unforgiving place
It feels sometimes this hill's too steep
For a girl like me to climb
But I must knock those thoughts right down
I'll do it in my own time
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (go there)
On a road that leads me straight to who knows where
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Watching people scurry by
Rushing to and fro
Oh, this world is such a crazy place
It's all about the go, go, go
Sometimes life can taste so sweet
When you slow it down
You start to see the world a little differently
When you turn it upside down
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (no way)
And I'm just soaking up magic in the air
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
You got to slow it down (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And then you pick it up (woa, yey, yo)
Come on and try a little topsy-turvy back
To front the right way round
Take it slow, slow, slow (you gotta pick it up)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (let me see you slow it down)
Hey, yo, yo (tell me something, something)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Source: LyricFind

Multifidus 2

More tangents of my world, support and aligned functionality.

First, I’m utterly grateful to have been able to help my friend with a systemic MRSA infection. Her last update explained it would be quite a while until she could function normally again, having affected her ability to stand, walk or use her dominant arm, and included a plea for help. I was able to obtain a wheelchair for her for $60 and dropped it off at the hospital between my clinic and retirement community shifts. She now has both a walker and a wheelchair, but she is going to need financial support. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, she’s in for 6 weeks hospital stay, with rehab afterwards. She was evicted from her apartment due to a combination of Covid closures affecting her income and then being hospitalized on top of it. Friends packed her belongings and stored them, took her pet to care for it, and we’re all pooling resources to the best of our ability, but if you can help it is very much welcomed. Please see the screenshot below for more info.

As for me, I have had an interesting week. Post strep throat I have not been eating during the day at all. Not out of avoidance, simply because I don’t feel the need to. I have a strong sense that like Covid helped the Earth find some healing by keeping us home, my body is finding additional healing by eliminating the desire to eat and thus keeping my digestive tract mostly clear for now. Today it has amplified to a wonderfully intense level. I feel spectacular and my body is really high energy, almost like having one cup of coffee too many, but as I said I’ve not had anything. I’ve literally only had water, a breakfast shake and my supplements today. I feel great and I simply know that I have everything I need in my body already, so much so that it is almost a mantra for me today. I find that I’m am experiencing immense gratitude for feeling a strong sense of healing and well being. I am feeling stronger and healthier everyday, and I had one of my license plate messages that I read as validation of my wellness…W3L UET.

Speaking of my ET, I had one of my dream visits early this morning. It was wonderful and may definitely have contributed to my high energy today. It was a very loving passionate dream, and I am glad that I am having those again. It renews my hope for my future poly family. I love being loved on and those dreams leave me feeling warm and fuzzy for hours. There is also a fair amount of excitement that is left behind in its wake.

I am also feeling appreciation for my self in terms of knowledge and experience. What was triggered by the PA and picked at by a couple of other interactions, leaves me wishing to write a PSA. Here’s the deal, just because you paid for a college degree that left you with a PhD in a specific area of study does not mean you are smarter than others. I have a Bachelor’s degree, plus a year of massage education. If it had been one topic at one school I would be holding a Master’s degree. Beyond that I have hands on experience in both: 2 years in graphic design and 12 years as a massage therapist, 8 of which were self-employed contracting work. I have experience in my own business and others. Beyond that I have been schooled in the hard-knocks of life. I understand diabetes, heart disease, and thyroid function, and pregnancy through levels of direct experience and conversing with multiple medical professionals, some of which are/were definitely more open than others. I have both book knowledge and real life practical application knowledge in multiple areas and multiple sub-topics. I find it quite insulting when someone with “more important letters” behind their name acts like I’m some dummy that doesn’t know what I’m talking about. If I have experience on something I give it, if not I am open to respectful input and do consider others as my equal. But because of such experience I can also tell when someone is doing their best to take the easy way out or avoid dealing with me, and that is simply not acceptable to me, not should it be for anyone. We all need to acknowledge that we all are human beings with a wide array of knowledge and experience and respect each other’s input and do our level best to contribute to each other’s lives in positive ways, whatever that translates into at the moment of interaction. If we did that, the world would be a better place and fewer and fewer of us would be finding frustration in seeking solutions.

I also have taken all of these moments and used them as fodder for focused meditation. My Atira, my vortex, it is becoming clearer and clearer. I can see where my sloppy focus previously allowed for misaligned moments and the failures in my manifestations. At one point I was thinking about my 3 people in my permanent energetic-heart-circle awareness, and slipped into old negative thoughts about them. This time though I caught myself nearly immediately. I literally thought ‘wait a minute, those don’t feel good, that means they aren’t right’. That simple acknowledgement was enough to flip to the opposite thoughts that do feel good. I did a happy dance just for catching myself and a second happy dance for finding what does feel good. I look forward to much better manifestations as a result.

I then applied that moment of positive momentum to the rest of my topics, and that might be why I feel so darn good today. Between giving my digestion a break, acknowledgement of myself and my skills/knowledge- that we’re all equals, and positive thoughts and massive realignment all put together just feels like an amazing combination. I feel “right as rain” and have a strong knowing at the moment that there is no spoon. My only falter is that my spoon takes longer to bend, but that’s an okay thing.

May you feel your way to better days. May you honor other’s skills and knowledge knowing that you also have applicable skills and knowledge. May you find many things to feel grateful for and appreciate. May you see there is no spoon and that shifts in awareness and healing will manifest your desires quick enough. May you be health and have all of the help and resources that you need. May you have moments of appreciation that you are able to help others because you can and you want to. May you have excitingly pleasant dreams and be healthy in mind body and spirit. May you know you are having breakthroughs that will lead to wonderful changes in your physical awareness. May everything be “right as rain” and may you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su