Tag Archives: massage

Functionally ready!

My time for me this evening was finishing my home office as close as I could for functionality.

I’m still missing a small round side table and my hot stone warmer and the massage table bolster. They will be found and added to the room ASAP. I also remembered that I need to find and hang duplicates of my credentials. In the mean time, I can use the bolster from my portable table, and deal without the other 2 items. My office is as ready as need be for now.

Everything thing in this room we either already had, or purchased at thrift very inexpensively. The exception being the small bit of lumber for the desk and the area rug (which was on clearance at IKEA).

I’m so excited. My graphic design computer is in my custom closet built-in desk, which conveniently hides behind a curtain when the room is being used for massage. Regardless of my purpose of using the office I can close the door and have peaceful focus. It makes me soooo happy. I have earned this moment a thousand times over.

Now I can schedule Nathan’s first massage in ages, as well as a couple of trades to get myself caught up and less achy.

Here’s the nearly finished product.

Dome on the Range

Atira Home Dome

So this week has brought ups and downs. I had a lot of emotional roller coaster riding, which the acupuncturist was uncomfortably quick to point out the cause. (Am I really that transparent?) It was a combination of hormones from trying to sync up with the rest of the female staff, in addition to liver heat and congestion I stirred up from doing cupping on my arms. Yea… not. As TCM practitioners, they were very helpful with some herbs for the emotional side, and needles for the physicality, and I took extra walks for the anti-inflammatory benefits. I can say after several days I am doing better.

I did also get a fair amount of wonderful artwork in, both digitally and by hand.

I was able to complete the first shirt design I posted about previously, and with a minimum of edits. Mainly they had me change font once, take out a few of the contour lines in the figure, and adjust colors. In my book that’s an excellent start for only having done 5 commissions in the last 12 years. They then requested a second shirt and a business sign, which I have drafts pending for. I am super appreciative of not only being able to play with my design software, but for having gotten the commission work as well. It feels really good to be doing a variety of things that I am good at.

I told Nathan that I always was really good at giving people what they asked for. Mainly because I don’t like having to rebuild or make significant time consuming changes. I would much rather ask enough questions up front to get the idea, and hit the mark as close as possible on the first try. Fonts are almost always where the edits come in, as I have so many fonts that I tend to aim for more creative, and sometimes the plain fonts are more desired by the customer.  The customer is always right, and their font preferences will always win.

Regardless, within a day or two I will likely clear my 3rd design approval, and that is in addition to working full time as a massage therapist. That is happy dance worthy in my book.

Now pile on top of that having had enough time to do some coloring and I am feeling much more buoyant. I chose a mandala and colored in between clients. The day I started it, I was wearing the colors that I started the mandala with- blues and lavenders. The office manager thought that was amusing, and after she pointed it out, I did too. I kept coloring and began to realize I had been coloring in the chakra palette. Blues and violets being throat, third eye and crown. Pinks and greens being for heart chakra, and yellow for solar plexus. By that point, having accidentally accomplished that much, I decided to finish the mandala in appropriate progression.

Here are the results, which I’m super happy with:

20191009_1554192054716829049856828.jpg

I also accomplished some really amazing massage work this week helping a client with multiple-decades-old scar tissue and what she thought was an underdeveloped scapula. After some very intense myofascial release, I was able to show her that not only were her shoulder blades the same size, but that the damaged shoulder was capable of laying flat. I also helped not one, but two people, with major constriction in their hips. It was a very good massage week.

My final note of upswing is in the image I began with. It is the design for my dream dome home. I’m working on turning my sketches into drafted images. Obviously, I’ve barely gotten started as it was a low priority. I won’t be building it next week, and unless a miracle happens, probably not this year. So, it falls last on the list after all other computing and design work wraps up. Considering I’ve literally only devoted a few precious minutes to it, I think I have a great start. I am so looking forward to finishing it.

I leave you with the following blessings:

May you find joy in your work and time enough for other joys.

May you have days filled with beauty, and the emotional fortitude to breathe and see it.

May you have more than enough, and ample miracles in your life.

Finally, may you see your strengths and your own inner beauty and light.

Siva Hir Su

If I ask you to fix it, then at least make an attempt!

So, I’m a practicing massage therapist. Unless I’m working on someone over the age of 80, I fully intend to fix whatever is in front of me. If I can’t completely fix something, I get as close as humanly possible with the time allotted.

I have traded for 6 years with a therapist of the same caliber. When she retired she asked me to replace her. We traded once after her retirement and we’ve had trouble linking up our schedules to do a second trade.

I tried to schedule a trade with a few other occasional trade partners and the one therapist at the clinic. It seems my current schedule just is not conducive to trading right now.

Yesterday I cried uncle, and resorted to paid massages until I can figure out another trade. I knew that even an hour of regular deep tissue wasn’t going to be the same as my usual 90 min trade, so I went ahead and set up 2 hours.

The first one was at a place called “Hand & Stone Massage & Facial Spa” then an hour later I went to “Massage Envy”. The first place charged me extra for deep tissue saying that I had the best therapist available for that on that particular evening- $70 first time appointment for regular price of $95. Massage Envy admitted they didn’t have a deep tissue person available, so I knew that was not going to fix anything significant. Yet their intro price $55, for a normally $75 appointment.

The clinic charges $80 and I’m feeling like that’s totally not enough.

The comparison was night and day. My deep tissue appointment really just scratched the surface, and the second appointment was only slightly less pressure. There really wasn’t enough difference to have justified the extra charge at the first massage, and neither of them were anywhere near what I provide at the clinic.

I felt severely ripped off, but knowing that spas like those pay their therapists like crap, I tipped well. I spent $170 including tips, to walk away with 100 minutes of hands on time that left me feeling like it was a good start, instead of the 90min fix I’m used to.

I ended up going home to do 3 cycles on my Homemedics massage roller mat, and followed that with detailed instruction for Nathan to polish off most of what was missed. I still need to get a fix it massage scheduled ASAP.

Where this really gets my goat and why I decided to rant about it here today, is that I asked for a service and received inadequate results.

For instance: I specified that I was a massage therapist and sorely overdue for my massage. I specifically asked the ‘deep tissue’ person to stick to upper body, mainly arms shoulders and pectoral muscles.

She almost forgot that I requested upper body only and ended up doing my glutes in a pretend correction. Something a seasoned therapist can spot easily. Then, she barely grazed my pectorals, and was horribly ineffective at releasing any chronic areas, even a little. She barely grazed my rhomboids (shoulder blade) a couple of times which left me screaming in my head: “No! Go back, go back, you missed it!”

Here’s the thing, if you charge extra for deep tissue, it should actually be a deep tissue massage. Additionally, there’s no reason she couldn’t have worked my pectorals at least enough to count it.

Here’s the deal, I have no desire to see or touch anyone’s junk, and in 12 years I’ve only been forced to see that 3 times, all of which I put the kibosh on by pulling out a towel. Yet, when someone brings a problem, a hurt, that lies where their junk is, I still fix it. It’s called, keep it covered with the sheet, and if you really have to get super close-you have them hold it out of the way. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man and his penis or a woman and her breasts. Move it over and I’ll get the job done. There’s been twice where a womans breasts were so large I had them lay on their side to allow gravity to get them out of the way. Effing get creative if you have to, but fix the damn problem. So if I, as a therapist, tell you my pecs hurt and I’ve approved working on them, them you better damn well do it. Grazing them with your pinky finger doesn’t count.

Additionally there’s simply no reason that she didn’t get my rhomboids, or really any of my shoulders and arms better than she did.

Except for the fact that I kept redirecting myself to mantras, I would have left both massages infuriated.

As it was, I’m glad they at least accomplished a good start, and that I was able to figure out a solution for the rest. I wish them as therapists well, but sincerely hope that the one doesn’t keep selling herself as a deep tissue therapist. They both need to specify that they are solely relaxation specialists, and people like me won’t waste our time.

May you all have the fixes you need and great massages. May you all have the schedule to accommodate self-care and good results from that self-care. May you enjoy your days and be free from pain or discomfort.

Siva Hir Su

Happy endings.

Watch “Poets of the Fall – Temple of Thought (Unplugged Studio Live)” on YouTube

I imagine that my Shiva would say these things to me, it’s how I feel that divine connection. Yet, more so is my own inner being. My spirit is really where I find my own sense of safety and security and love. The world has yet to provide that for me, so I must rely on what is found within.

But perhaps my world will have a happy ending yet. Especially the kind of happy ending where you know there’s more to the story, where there will be a sequel with the rest of the story.

I realized that, today, as I commented about liking happy endings in movies. I like the happy endings where you know the lovers get together, and live happily ever after. Where the sequel would be about building home and family and community and sharing love with everyone in their lives. Where they take fun filled journeys and discover all of the beauty in this world. Where they get to rest from their more challenging endeavors. Those are the happy endings I enjoy so much. It’s why to this day, I will watch reruns of Hallmark movies that I’ve already seen dozens of times.

Those are the stories I wish filled my real daily life.

Instead, I find myself in conversations about people expecting happy endings to massage and that just pisses me off. Fortunately, I’ve only had 3 such run-ins with that in my dozen years of practice. Every time I taught them a lesson. I’m the massage therapist that if you lay on top of the sheets buck naked, and I’ve never seen you before, I pull out a towel and cover your naughty bits and proceed to give you the deepest deep tissue possible. Except for the fact that I’m so damn strong, and beginning to think it’s near impossible, I’d rather hurt myself teaching someone like that a lesson, than send them on their way unscathed. It gets my goat that people think they can pay massage rates and expect to be jacked off. I say people, because 2 of the 3 were Male, the third was female.

It infuriates me because since the sex trade is kept illegal, people masquerade as massage therapists to provide sex services, usually the business owner is the pimp, and it’s hardly concentual. It further infuriates me because both trades are severely undervalued, and because the “perps” are often the one demanding sexual favors, but the punished are the women that feel like they have no other choice than to provide those services, or worse yet are forced into doing so.

First: a happy ending implies that everyone involved is respected and valued. Throwing yourself in front of someone and demanding sexual favors is disrespectful. Unless that person is being lavished in thousands of dollars they are far from being valued. So, it is far from a real happy ending, quit calling it that. The real name is pig manipulation, and the pigs are the ones that belong in jail. So as long as I’m a massage therapist anyone that tries that with me will walk out hurting and having been charged full price including upcharge for deep tissue. That is my happy ending in that situation, especially since 2 of the 3 were hurt so much they terminated the appointment early. Serves them right.

So, for now I will take those small victories, focus on my inner being as much as possible, and look forward to possibly having a true happy ending to my current challenging journey. I look forward to relief, joy, bigger and closer family, and lots and lots of love.

May you all have respect and find that you are shown your value. May you all have your loving happy endings, and find joyous journeys. Finally, may you see justice prevail in this world and may all the pigs run and hide.

Siva Hir Su.

Do you enjoy vanity?

I found myself saying: it must be nice to be vain; that is after experiencing the 3rd person this week to comment on the lines the face creadle cover made on their face.

I’m from the perspective of- I like my massages, and so what if the face creadle cover leaves lines on my face. At least I got a good massage to combat and eliminate the stress this world produces in my body. I’d much rather have face cradle lines than the look of weary and downtrodden stress-bots that most people carry.

Then I started thinking, do people really enjoy vanity? The kind of vanity that is afraid others might notice your massage face. What is your brain telling you that makes massage face a bad thing?

Why would you even want to carry stressed face like everyone else? What is so appealing about sameness, that you want sameness even when the reality of that sameness is an element you work to undo every 1 to 3 weeks?

To me relaxed massage face or genuine glowing happiness and joy are the best faces to have, and anymore they are both rare.

Mostly, I have enough sense to get my massage and then go home. The few times I haven’t, I later thought: what the hell was I thinking, I’m not functional after a good massage. So I tend to think others would do the same.

I guess not; and in your instant worry about lines on your face and trying to be functional afterward, you’ve just wasted what your $80 just paid for. The moment you go back into worry, your body begins to ramp up your stress response and literally within minutes to hours it will be as if I never worked on you to begin with.

However, that is my job security.

No matter how well I demolish your stress and built up tension, I know that it’ll come right back. It comes back with every negative thought, every stress induced action, every repetitive motion, every moment of WORK, every worry. Frankly, most of society is really good at that side of the equation and really lazy on the stress reduction side of the equation. Why do any real work on/for yourself, when you can go pay someone to do it for you, and convince yourself that your occasional massage is adequate.

The real work, I used to give as homework, until I realized my words were bouncing off of thin air.

Now, I just willingly accept your $80/hour and smile politely when you make remarks about the lines.

The real work:

Self-care, including but not limited to:

Meditation

Yoga

Epsom salt baths

Regular Mag-a-hol usage

Supplements including but not limited to Magnesium, Potassium, Fish Oil, and Turmeric

Self-massage with a variety of easily accessible tools, some as simple as a tennis ball or foam roller.

Better diet choices to reduce inflammation

Consistent and ample sleep

Regular Sunlight

The not so hilarious corker here is that all these same things fight depression. You can read “The Depression Cure” yourself for the science of why, but in simple terms.

Stress=Inflammation=Tight Muscles

Stress=Inflammation=Pain

Stress=Inflammation=Depression

So tight muscles are usually experienced alongside pain, and as statistics are showing, increasingly alongside depression as well.

Massage fights the tight muscles element and can combat stress itself to a certain degree, but unless you work on the whole package, you will never find whole relief.

So go ahead and waste many dollars and many hours seeing therapists like me to convince yourself you’re doing what you can to feel better. I’ll gladly accept the job security, and inside laugh at your vanity over lines.

For those willing to do the work, I’ll gladly answer direct questions on any number of topics.

May you all have abundance of self-care and a famine of stress and worry.

Heisenberg?!

So this week has been interesting. Mostly ok.

The activities job wanted me back, but they acknowledged why I changed in the first place and asked me what my realistic request would be to take the position back. I consulted with an acquaintance, my husband, and did the math up one side and down the other. I knew my number was way out of reach. Essentially to take the job back and have a solid day off, they would have had to pay me $24 an hour to compensate for lost massage wages. Since I knew that was way out of reach, I decided I would come down a bit and try to do some of my massage in the evenings to eliminate having to release all of the one days’ wages, but still have a day off. The compromise was still $22.50 an hour. I figured that was still out of reach, but I gave them my honest carefully calculated answer.

Their response was that they appreciated me and would love to have me back, but couldn’t go quite that high. I said thank you and that I understood.

Then today, I had a really good day with a full massage schedule and everyone left with good comments on certain things I had done. Plus there was good tipping to be had. One person said it was the best massage she’d ever had, and another asked me what I put in the oil because it made her so relaxed she felt loopy. She confessed that she doesn’t get massages often, so since she loved it she’d be back, but wasn’t sure when.

As I was telling Nathan about my day, he said so you’re like Heisenberg then.

I replied “Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle?!”

He said “I’m not sure if that’s where it came from, but I was referencing the main character in Breaking Bad when he called himself Heisenberg to have a cool name to use for his cover, so that people would know he’s really good because he knew his stuff.”

I said ok and then explained what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was. Then said aloud, I guess it’s not everyday you hear a massage therapist explain particle physics. Then acknowledged I hadn’t put any brain space into that concept for over 15 years. It was a moment of wow, but damn my brain really does latch onto everything for good.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that Nathan’s show analogy is probably accurate, but in an odd way, even the principle itself kinda applies. Either way you look at it, I know my stuff. I’m good at whatever I give my attention to, and for the first time in my life I’m finally beginning to acknowledge that for myself. That feels really good.

May you all find your moment of self appreciation.

Let it go, just kidding. 

So this week has brought with it a gaggle of strong people (mostly women)  in pain. 

I have waded through the muck of a half dozen people with almost the exact same tension pattern of varying degrees of severity.  Neck, to mid back, & heavy to one side.

After having worked on the friend I mentioned in my last post,  I noticed I was carrying similar tension, but thought I’d overdone exercising on the rowing machine at the YMCA.

But the people  kept  calling.  Each one admitting they’d been hurting for a while,  and that’d it finally gotten unbearable.  After the 2nd one I thought,  maybe mine isn’t from exercise.  Then 3 & 4 appeared at work & I figured I was carrying some collective energetic junk. Finally after 2 more friends begged me for help for the same issue,  I knew for sure something has to be in the collective energy field.

It happens every great once in a while.  In my career of nearly a decade I’ve noticed it maybe 8, or so, times.  Like mass hysteria,  everyone suddenly has the same physical complaints (or very similar with a majority of overlap). Unfortunately,  I’ve never escaped it myself. Nathan thinks this particular round might have to do with the impending inauguration, being that the strong women I’m around all find Trump offensive. I can’t say I disagree with that sentiment.

Anyway, this time is no different for me. After a wild week of riding the emotional roller coaster,  sifting through my own muck, & helping others with their shoulders- mine finally got unbearable.  By last night’s route I was having trouble moving,  any twisting motion sent pain shooting up my spine. I  told Nathan, and he offered to help. 

He vibrated my back & hips. He massaged with his hands, and finally he applied cups for me.

After about an hour (maybe 90 min) of very intense work,  this is what I look like. 

Nathan did a great job considering that I’m the one that was trained in cupping. I guided him on where to put the cups based on where I was feeling it most, & I said “when”, when each cup hit my intensity toleration limit.  Then you wait for it to work- 20 to 40 min.

I’m so grateful for Nathan doing this for me. I get my professional massage from my great therapist tomorrow,  but I knew I wouldn’t make it to my appointment if I didn’t do something. 

The cupping took a huge dent out of the severe tension.  And from the look of the picture,  I was storing up a lot of toxins.  It’s called stagnation when your muscles produce the dark purple peticia  you see on my back. It looks like a bruise, but really it’s just toxins (salts, lactic acid,  built up minerals,  etc.) having been pulled to the surface . They’ll be a little tender for about 24 hours and then I won’t even know they are there anymore.  They fully process out through kidney function in about 5 to 7 days. 

Now that being said,  Nathan didn’t solve the problem 100%, so I’ll definitely still need my massage tomorrow, & I  may have her do some more cupping to get anything that was missed.  When it’s done in a massage context, you can even drag the cups to really break up tension in the fascia- I’m thinking I need that.

I also asked my friend that has an inversion table if I could use it soon,  and she said Tuesday works. So I’ll essentially have 3 days in a row of self care. Time consuming, yet soothing, quite time… ample time to keep processing mentally.

With that being said.  My hour of cupping & vibrating was well utilized for visualization.

So far I can’t get “the boy” (that’s a short term of indearment to substitute for “online friend”) – out of my head.  Oh, I’ve tried.  No luck so far. I just can’t brush off the way the connection feels. Something that rare and special just doesn’t happen every day.

So for now I’m chalking it up to I don’t know what it means,  & I’m sending love anyway.  Maybe I’m not supposed to fully understand this one.  Regardless,  I’m going to make the best of it. So when he comes to mind,  I think pleasant thoughts, visualize what I’d prefer to happen.  It soothes me every time. … Now, if I could just figure out why I had a really vivid memory yesterday of a seemingly insignificant interaction with a man at Whole Foods from probably well over a year ago (it was warm weather, but I can’t remember spring vs fall)- I think it’d help make sense of some things. 

Anyway, my time this afternoon was that and visualizing other good things in my life.  I may not fully understand the law of attraction,  and I still think there’s either a hiccup or something I’m missing,  but it does feel good to practice visualizing future goodness. So, be it money,  vehicles,  home,  or this confusing man, I am attempting to think and visualize positive  more often. It seems to help with anti-rumination too.

Here’s to hoping that there’ll be a better brighter future in my little family,  and a little clarity on the way to it!

Don’t Fear the Reaper

Beyond being one of my favorite songs,  it is a sentiment I hold dear and feel the truth in.  

I have chosen to follow a path with my career in massage therapy that few are willing to endeavor into.  I work with the geratric population, and have for over 4 years. 

My husband has pointed out that many people go into caring for elders for the right reasons,  but few are able to stick with it. He also pointed out that often you see there are those working in nursing facilities because it’s a solid job,  not because that is their preferred choice, and those are always the first to take another line of work.
He told me just last night that it is a wonderful thing I do, because even though it is hard,  I continue to do the work because I recognize the need.   He’s not the first to tell me that.  In fact I’ve heard it thousands of times. Friends tell me, residents tell me I’m going to be so blessed because of what I do for them. Yet, I have trouble believeing it.

For me my work is just that:  providing a necessary service to a needy populace, of which I’m very skilled in providing and well  informed in handling aspects of their situation; mainly as a means to pay my bills.  It’s not physically demanding,  not mentally difficult,  and though it can be emotionally and energetically taxing- even draining at times – there are worse things in the world. I’m simply doing what I know I can and should do.  I don’t feel that makes me special. 

Beyond that,  there are days which I’d  rather not.  Be it I woke up already tired,  I am already slogging through my own emotional muck, or I know it’s a full moon and thus likely to be a horrendously difficult day,  I find myself saying: do I really need to go in today. 

Yet, I nearly always do. 

My days off have been few and far between.  I’ve taken 3 one week vacations for family in the 4 years, I took one month off for the birth of my son, and I can count my sick days using just my fingers. And I’m a contractor,  so there’s been no boss to enforce my attendance, no one to threaten the loss of a job for missing too much work. I simply know I need to do my work,  not just for my bills,  but for those that would miss their massages if I was gone. 

But there is something else that keeps me going,  keeps me helping.  I don’t know what to call it for certain.  I’ve had people reference being a Death Doula. I don’t know if I like that label.  I know that whatever it is, my mom had it too.

What am I taking about?  Well I have a sense of when someone is about to pass. My mom did too. She used to talk about how people acted and spoke before they passed away.  She’d said there were times that she swore she’d seen  a ghost visit someone and within days they’d pass.  There were hundreds of stories she’d told me growing up. She spent over 20 years working as an LPN in nursing homes, she had plenty of them. Most of her stories she knew that someone was within a week of passing, and a few stories she would tell,  people  were hours to a couple of days from passing  when she got the knowing. 

For me though,  it’s less reliable.  Maybe because I have less experience yet,  or because I see my residents less often (once a week, instead of daily). Regardless,  I still seem to have the sense. Though sometimes there’s a bit of a delayed reaction.

Often I find myself realizing after the fact that I’ve had what I’ve come to refer to as “the goodbye talk”, and usually anywhere from a few  days to 6 weeks after the talk, the resident passes.  I have numerous examples,  but some  come to mind more readily. Here’s a couple (for HIPPAA reg.s I’ve changed names):

My most memorable was a retired priest I’ll  call Fred. He never did want me to work with him.  Be it pride, or his training,  he just didn’t want a massage.  Every visit was accompanied by “go away” or “leave me alone” or fist shaking.  Once he actually made contact with my shoulder in the closest thing to a punch he could muster.  Most of the time he would eventually give in and let me work.  Finally one day after a good fist shake,  I sat down, and confession style told him essentially that I wasn’t going away.  I said that I  needed to pay my bills and I would give massages to him because it was requested.  Followed with “there’s only 2 ways out of getting my massages, and only one of them would be to move out of the building”. I didn’t finish the rest of the sentence,  because death was simply implied.

  One week later he passed away, the night before I was due to see him again.

Then there was Miss M. I had been seeing her  for 2 years,  unable to stand, unable to speak,  could not feed herself,  could not use a toilet,  every action was  provided to her. When I worked with her I had to rely on facial expressions to tell if I was using too much pressure,  and she could only take the lightest of touch.  I knew she was miserable. I always talked to her  when I worked.  Telling her what I was doing,  telling her about the weather,  small talk.  One day though I interjected  my perspective on her situation.  Telling her: I see you are always in pain,  & I’m hardly helping.  Your family will miss you dearly, but that’s inevitable.  Everyone greives when they loose family,  but it’s impossible to live forever.  If you’re in as much pain as I believe you are,  you should just let go.  You’re suffering will not make their greif any less later…. 

She passed away two weeks later.  

I think I’ve just had another talk like that.  Though I’m not certain.  My buddy Jim, I’ve worked with for a couple of years as well, and I’ve seen him twice a week for over a year now.  We usually talk about a lot of things including politics,  & I’ve done just about every other type of caregiver thing for him that’s possible. I see a lot of my Dad in Jim, and feel close to him like father-daughter. Well this week’s first visit was on a relatively good day when everything was going smoothly. Yet, when I got to him I suddenly felt the urge to go on a tangent politically.  Jim is a Republican but has said he doesn’t like Trump. Anyway,  I asked “Do you have a contingency plan for when everything goes to crap, because I don’t?” He said “What do you mean?”. I replied to the effect that both Trump & Hillary are out for money and that I highly doubted either one of them would do anything to help the American people,  but both would pass laws to help their businesses. I followed with that they would probably screw the financial system,  taxes, and medical system for the average joe because that would make them more money. & I explained that I knew people  thinking about heading to either Canada or South America & I had no idea what I’d do.  … He repeated several times “I’d never thought of it that way.” Then on Friday when I went to see him,  he was very low energy,  could hardly talk,  was saying he felt like he was dieing and couldn’t catch his breath.  Everything was hyper sensitive and he hurt everywhere.  It even appeared that he had blood in his urine when I helped him out of the restroom.  I spoke with the lead nurse and she explained they were aware of everything and doing everything they could,  and she reminded me that they were limited because he had a DNR on file.

Now, I don’t know for certain that he’s on  his way out.  What I do know is I’ve told him: “I’m not afraid of death.  I’m afraid of pain, suffering, lack of finances,  being homeless,  many things,  but not death.” I also know that I care for this person like my own dad,  and hate to see him in pain. I also know that the facility he’s in does have limitations in his care because of government regulations on pain medications and his own DNR.

 And with everything I  know I’d rather he find his way out/home as peacefully as possible, rather than continue to suffer. I hate more than anything to see another human being suffer. So it’s a bitter-sweet knowing that his transition is sooner than later.  

Does it mean I look forward to my job? 

– No.

Does it mean I hate my job? 

– No.

It simply is.  

Whether I’m Special or not.  Whether I’m different or not.  Whether I’m blessed or not (I have yet to see the blessings by the way). 

It just is.

I will continue to get up and go into my buildings multiple days a week,  weeks on end, years even,  until something spectacular changes my world and relieves me of my duties. I will continue to be there for those that need me, and say  goodbye to each of them in their time. It seems it’s just what I  do.

Blessed Be Each and Every One of Them.