Tag Archives: Matrix

Stream of consciousness- part 2

When I had the stream of consciousness experience (that produced the statements in bold italics below), I felt like I was having a conversation with my higher-self but masculine side. I had thought responses in the moment that did not initially get typed up. This is my attempt to put words to my immediate thought responses.

The matrix is being redesigned. What do you want it to look like?

I want both. Not necessarily simultaneously, but in conjunction. I want my Atira to grow, my family to grow, and real full life to resume in my universe.

Atira was supposed to be more, and bigger and include more chosen family. I want a closer version of my dreams of Atira. I know it’s already in my vortex, there’s an entire binder written on the details of that desire. I just want more of those pieces to manifest and become evident.

Even more I want society to regain balance. Just like in She-Ra, I want to help restore that balance and encourage positive changes. I want the whole truth about vaccines to be common knowledge, and I apologize in advance if that requires even more people to get hurt for the truth to come out in the open. I want the corruption and greed to be put back in it’s place and mitigated to minimize damages. I want Western medicine to return to “First Do No Harm” and helping people genuinely fully heal. I want symptom management to be replace by disease elimination, bodily healing, and to enable full health for all. I want to be able to see people’s faces, their expressions, and especially smiles again. I want for normal life function to resume acknowledging that we all are taking risks to do that, but that the risks are worth it. I want the relief to our economy to be evident immediately.

I want equality for all, and those against equality to simply fade into oblivion. They can have their opinions quietly in the background, as long as we all have the ability to live our lives as we choose. I also want the war machine to become obsolete and all of the ex warriors to have enough healing to treat everyone as equals. #BLM and #AllLivesMatter, because all lives do matter, but can’t happen when factions wish to keep attacking one another. Peacefulness and co-creative joy amongst all. That’s my desire.

I want to work, but less. I want to help others find healing, but also create beautiful things. I want to have time with my kids and my husband, but also with new friends and a new significant other or two.

I still want to honor my body and give it the exercise and nutrition it desires, but I also want to enjoy what I eat and have ease in choosing foods, and also the time to do other more fun things.

I want time management to be easy and have enough time for all of the elements to fit together correctly and seamlessly.

Above all I want for my own body to fully heal to even make any of those desires possible. To stay on the leading edge I need more energy, less weight, more stamina, and for life to fill every cell in my body. I want negativity, fears, viruses and all other worries to die, and be replaced with healthy fully functional cells, organs, and body parts. I want to feel spectacular so that keeping up with the leading edge is easy. I want to fully understand my gifts like Adora learning She-Ra’s weapon and energy. I want a fullness of experience, and joy and health. I want to ride the best parts of the leading edge for as long as humanly possible.


Are you someone who wants me to stay down with you?
Or are you someone who wants to try and keep up with the changes like I do?

I’m sorry if you want to stay down, I can’t stay with you.
If you want to keep up, we’ll do better if we work with each other.

I want to work together, show me how, tell me how.

I want to keep up with the changes and heal. I want to work together and help bring balance back to my own body and to society.

Help me heal first so that the negatives are easy to spot and solve. Help my brain to find positive healing, rewire and function more optimally on a continual basis.

Help guide me to the right actions and tasks. I feel like I’m already doing so much, and that I am enough, but that perhaps it’s just minor adjustments and your help figuring that out would be another huge blessing.

I am doing my best to allow the healing energy to flow as much as possible, and as strong as possible. If that flow could increase and stay on all the time, I think it would help in more ways than I can fathom. Please help me to accomplish that. I want the healing energy to flow to my own body, cells, organs and tissues because I love myself and I know I deserve the healing. I also want the healing energy to flow to anyone in my experience that is open to receiving it. I want it to powerfully help bring balance in all of my direct experiences and create a ripple that will enable positive healing for a much broader perspective. I want to help God bring light to the darkness we are entrenched in.

Om Shanti and Siva Hir Su

May you all have productive conversations with God. May you know for certain that your inner being fully supports you if you will let it. May you know exactly how to let it.

Om Shanti

Why Live?

I am a little confused and frankly a bit angry with God at the moment.

Abraham has been quite clear over the years that if you raise your vibration, then people that are too far outside of your vibration are supposed to be deterred energetically. The vibrations bounce off of each other and you simply fail to connect.

Yet my daily experience is not showing that yet.

I have been over the “C” word for quite some time now. I am not afraid of sickness at all and frankly I’m quite perturbed that a system seemingly enjoying and profiting off of ill health (frequently caused by viral infections) seems to care less about actually solving viral diseases, especially from the ‘you caught it, now what’ side.  Particularly since we have many that are carried lifelong and do more damage than this silly one does, and many of those known systemic assassins are horribly under diagnosed and severely mis-treated or un-treated. My own health journey has demonstrated that in a huge way, and I still have more hope through alternatives than western medicine even pretends to offer. I think that all this nonsense is just that, and I’m done giving a flying eff about it.

Yes it’s another disease, yes it’s going to kill people, get over it, and if you want to be an effing scardy cat leave me out of it.

Yet, I keep interacting with them. I dropped my two ladies like a bad habit when I hit my limit with their spouting nonsense, and today I got a replacement at the office.

At one point after saying “I simply can’t live in fear anymore”, he decided to argue that it isn’t fear. I literally started repeating “I’m done talking now, I’ll stop talking now, please stop talking.” After several repetitions, he merely paused for 30 seconds before he started trying to argue at me. I didn’t respond and let him rant at me while I finished the last 10 minutes of his 30 minute back massage. I was glad I was wearing a mask because I’m certain I breathed fire at one point towards the end- my inner dragon definitely tried to rear it’s head.

Here’s the deal, if you’re in a place where you feel the need to rant at a massage therapist, the massage is probably months overdue, and why did you even bother. It was obvious that my role there was not to fix muscle tension, as he was quite comfortable with it and didn’t want to let go of anything long enough to solve the muscle tension. No, he wanted a captive whipping boy, and I’m good enough at taking abuse from men that I didn’t end the session and walk out. I suppose that was my vibrational lapse. Thanks dad.

But that takes me to my last point: if you feel the need to argue with a complete stranger that you sought out for help, there’s probably a greater problem within you that you are not acknowledging. No stranger should ever be subjected to your desire for a fight, but it seems that the world is set on destroying each other at the most rapid pace possible. It’s not bad enough we have viral diseases that can cause cancer, it’s not bad enough that we have other cancers that kill people regularly, it’s not bad enough we have rampant heart disease, it’s not bad enough you could die from any one of several viral/parasitic/bacterial diseases, it’s not bad enough that we could die in an accident at any time- no, let’s find new and more ways to stir and continue fights and kill each other off. Let’s get creative on the attacks and methods of destruction for our own race. Let’s enjoy making explosive toys that take lives and ruin history for humanity. That’s a great idea.

After the 30 minute massage under duress, I spent the following hour fuming. All his arguing only pissed me off, but I’ve got enough sense now, that I ranted to myself on a drive home and let it go (mostly, I’m hoping this finishes it off). None of what he said changed my mind, none of what he said persuaded me to feel differently about this disease, and OH he tried. He really wanted to scare me, he did his best. He gave me every excuse, every lame scare tactic, every ‘chicken-little sky-is-falling’ line he could think of. He thought I had bought into political antics over it and started to rant about “listen to the politicians” at which point I calmly stated  “oh, I don’t listen to any of those ass-hats on either side”. He stammered and continued to rant at me about everything he could think of.

I sincerely hope he never comes back.

The one thing I didn’t say, that I later wished I had is: “Why are you so afraid of dieing from covid when there’s little if anything to live for right now?”

It’s a question I posed to God in the hour after during my solitary releasing rant.

I don’t get the point of it all. On one hand God wants you to see the value of living and our reason for being here, but on the other hand I continue to be inundated by fear mongerers when I have done my level best to distance myself from them.

I struggle to see reasons to keep reaching and living.

I have a beautiful family I deeply care for, but we can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything fun, have no life to speak of. My two toddlers have gotten to go to playgrounds 3 times in the last 7 months and they were all recently, right before the weather turned cold. I spend 6 to 7 days a week wearing a mask and only seeing clients. I haven’t seen smiles on anyone’s faces for most of the year. The only child in my family to see friends was the teen, and she’s only had a few such instances.

Movie theatres have closed, restaurants are barely functional unless you can tolerate weather to sit outside. Businesses I used to frequent have gone belly up and that’s just the local small ones. Several long-standing national chains have gone belly up and others have downsized to the extreme. Malls are functioning at fractional capacity, and everywhere you turn people are ducking away from each other.

This is not life. This is not a world worth living in. Everyone is so afraid of catching a new disease that every other part of our enjoyable existence has crumbled.

If you’re not a hardcore outdoorsy type willing to be outside in any weather, then your options became severely limited. But then again, there’s the giant plume of smoke to encourage people to stay inside anyways. I have been outside more than my family because I simply must have daylight and exercise, so I went for many long walks in parks alone. I pushed my family to do likewise, but they like most of America chose to stay safe and stay home, mostly inside, an hour or two of backyard play a day.

It’s quite sad and disheartening, and I am far more worried about the fate of humanity than my own life in regards to a stupid virus.

I told God, instead of continuing to torture me an my family indefinitely, he could just take us out. God could literally align us with a quick easy exit in seconds, and frankly I think I’m okay with that at this point. I’d much rather have an exit for my family than more of this shit.

Medical systems more concerned about money and politics, than solving disease.

Political systems more concerned about money and war, than solving problems for their constituents.

General populations more concerned with fighting each other and picking sides, then coming together for real compromise based solutions.

Weapons of mass destruction becoming bigger, stronger, more plentiful, more easily accessible, more readily used on each other, and people finding enjoyment in that. Buy all the guns, bigger, shinier, more powerful, and make sure you practice with them. Tell yourselves it’s for the apacolypse, just in case the zombies get you, but ignore the fact that your toys invite reasons to use them.

Race wars, gender wars, marriage rights wars, money wars, political wars, religious wars. Could we possibly invent more reasons to go to war? Don’t answer that. There are enough in my awareness as it is.

It’s all too much, and the good smear is wearing very thin. I really, really have to focus, all day, every day, to see the good in my existence.

It’s becoming more and more challenging and I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I was promised that if I worked at focusing on the good, that eventually it would get easier, yet it never does. Every day seems to get harder and harder to stay focused on the positives. WTF God?!?!


Today I watched cartoons with the kids. We perched in the recliner in front of the fireplace and there were two kids and two cats surrounding me. The recliner couldn’t hold any more if I’d have wanted it to. It was a good moment, and one that stemmed from a strong desire to see good in my world. It was a happy moment.

I really need God to understand that my segment of the matrix really must start showing improvement or I’d rather exit. Unfortunately, I am in the distinct awareness that if I exit, my family is quite doomed and thus if the matrix doesn’t improve then God really must take us all.

There really must be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, to keep reaching for better. There must be a life worth living and enjoying.

I don’t need anyone trying to convince me to live hiding in fear, I need more people willing to live fully. I need positive aware people in my experience. I need open minded solution oriented people in my experience. I need people willing to love and be loved and to work themselves towards better. I need people working on their own thoughts and beliefs to raise their vibrations and reach for better. I need to see improvement that I have worked so hard to find to start manifesting around me.


May you have reasons to live. May others let you live in peace. May you see mostly good. May you enjoy your experience mostly. May the negativity and negatives die. May you know you are supported and that the only thing to fear is fear itself. May your efforts matter and may unwanted experiences bounce off of you.

Siva Hir Su

This week’s lessons…

So, I’m totally going to blame the emotional nose dive on my hormones. It rained all of the days this week. and I got my usually workouts in, and mostly I ate well, with few minimal slips.

I did herbally self-medicate this weekend to deal with the worst of my anxiety and negative mood, and though I know that is less desirable than being fine, it’s also a bit better (in my opinion) than being the monster that my dysfunctional brain is capable of. It’s literally my break-in-case-of-emergency to-keep-from-rampaging fix. It worked, and now I’m on the upswing again.

My work-week is starting okay, the messages and love are flowing again, and I’m feeling okay.

Post-self-medicating last night, and before falling asleep, an email notified me one of the blogs I follow had posted again. The blog has multiple authors and occasionally inundates me with email notifications, but last night one caught my eye and I started reading before falling asleep. It really, really resonated…. read here if you like. I have to say that everything that he wrote about had crossed my mind at some point. I did resonate with “The Matrix” and I have tried to wrap my brain around “There is no Spoon” a thousand times.

I don’t know if it was Fillipe’s perspective, or the state that I was in after my weekend, and so close to drifting off to sleep, or if it’s just starting to click. I simply don’t know, but it somehow is.

So, this morning on the way to work, it hit me this week has been full of epiphanies. I texted my husband: “Do EVERYTHING: with love for the divine, as if there is no spoon, and as if we’re moving into Atira with (him [and his wife]) in September…. my lesson for the week. We still have to eat, sleep, and function, but would certain things become more priority if that was the perspective. & would likewise other things fall away being less important. Like I’d be planning for a giant fire!”

Realizing I tried to cram a huge concept into a small text, I thought I better expand on it for myself and my husband.

1st My Do EEVERYTHING statement:

Literally everything gets some love put into it:

For instance I found myself saying to myself this morning that I am getting up and going to work because I love my family enough to support them. I really picked my outfit (something I do a lot anyway) because I wanted to love myself by looking cute- I really do enjoy when I look good, especially when I look good enough that others notice and compliment me. I drove to work knowing that my miles may be many, but it takes me to residents I’ve worked with for several years and whom have come to look forward to my visits and really appreciate what I do for them. Acknowledging that, I then gave myself love for wanting to help others enough that, it shows in my interactions enough that, they do want me to keep coming back. I then sent that love to the residents because I appreciate that they appreciate me. A little love makes the day go much better- it even helped when the few crazy moments happened.

During my 1st session, the resident had on Rachael Ray and she was interviewing Craig Ferguson. He made a comment in regards to the query of the worst job he’s ever had; about how even when he’s interviewing someone he doesn’t particularly want to, he just reminds himself “it’s not as bad as delivering milk in the snow in December”. That’s the funny way of looking at the fact that there’s always something that you could be doing that is worse. I HEARD THE MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR. Because he’s right (both Craig and God) there is always something I could be doing that’s worse. I immediately remembered my days driving for First Student- by far my worst job ever. It made me appreciate today that much more. Today was easy compared to a day on a school bus, especially when roads are bad due to weather. The love flowed just a bit more.

Then there’s: as if “There is no Spoon”.

This is just one big illusion cooked up by our brains, set in place with preconceived notions and patterns of expectations. I usually expect my days to be boring, but today I was startled by a resident suddenly taking a leak in front of me, and followed by another resident wishing me luck as her version of “have a good afternoon”.  Neither of which I would normally expect to happen, but I was so busy thinking about other things they both caught me off guard and I thought to myself should I be running for the bathroom, or buying a lottery ticket, or both!

Acknowledging the illusion then seems to open doors for messages every time I allow it. Between Craig’s statement and and a billboard I saw with bright orange and a boy wearing a green shirt (a reference for me to flag colors), and several other smaller things. I knew the messages were flowing. The billboard was so obvious for me that I actually laughed and said “well played, good one”, which I then got the tingles down my spine that tells me I was heard. I still don’t quite think I’m getting all the messages, but I think I’m starting to get enough of the messages that “they” are attempting to send more and more.  I feel like I am inundated with messages, and I’m just not comprehending all of them yet.

So my side of “There is no spoon” is thinking about all of the things that I’d rather be seeing. I’ve started, but not yet completed the next installment blog post of Atira to expound on that.

For now I’ll just give an example. I got upset again about dishes piled up this weekend, after a few minutes of fuming, I flipped my thoughts to “Why am I mad, what do I want to see?” Ultimately I want to have a really good dishwasher so that no one has to invest any significant time into  doing dishes. I want running water so that the dishwasher functions, and I can easily wash hands, take showers, have a bath, and do laundry- all things that have been not only time consuming and difficult this year, but have been mentally taxing because of all the thought that goes into completing them without running water systems. I then started thinking of related topics and how many things would be easier or simpler, definitely less time consuming if we had all the modern amenities. I realized that really my anger and frustration is a lack of acknowledging the appreciation I have for the other side of things.

So I’ve been working very hard on focusing on the appreciation for the other things and letting the anger and frustration go. I simply think about the opposite, what is the opposite, why do I like the opposite, what would be benefited by having, using, and/or doing the opposite, what ripple effect would that possibly have in my life. Then I acknowledge to the divine that yes I do want that, and no- I have no idea how to get there, and please help me to bring that back into my life, I will honor you for your help in my life by helping others do the same.

So far, it’s only really alleviated my mental state, but it seems like the messages I’m getting imply that: I’m being heard and help is on it’s way. I’m still holding onto that energetic Hug that I got on Thursday. I really hope that help is the BIG multi-purpose, multi-functional help I’ve been asking for. I have such big dreams, I’d love to see them come true.

And that leads me to my final: Do EVERYTHING as if you’re moving in September.

I don’t have the resources to do even a tiny fraction of what I’ve dreamt, at least right now. So, thinking about moving tomorrow or next week is unbelievable. However, I’m getting messages, I know someone (I believe the divine) is hearing me, and the messages have implied good things headed my way- even implied by the end of the year. So, thinking about receiving a miracle that enables big and good changes by the end of the year is much more believable.

That is faith.

I’m having and holding faith that help is on the way, and that my dreams are much more within reach than my brain previously believed. I am allowing my previously held constructs to fall away to enable lots of new things in my life. Or at least as much as I’m able to at this point in time- baby steps. Sometimes it’s easy, like when I saw the billboard and laughed. Sometimes it’s hard, I have to work on convincing myself: like when I used my healed burn to reinforce that my body can and is actively working on healing other more major things such as my thyroid issues.

One of the ways I am doing that is by evaluating activities based on my desires. I think, if I had the resources to start Atira by the end of the year, how would this activity be handled. Sometimes the answer is the same because that is then, and I’m in the now. Dishes and laundry are a good example of that. I need them now, so I have to function in the construct already in place. In which case I take a moment to think of how it will be eventually- the what I want appreciation conversation.

However, things like finishing off the trash pile, and working on the remodel are now under new light. If the resources are manifested miraculously, then both would have drastically different outcomes. I’d pay for a roll-away and a couple of young men to do the work on the trash pile, and if the trailer did get finished (to be one of the tiny homes in Atira), I’d pay someone else to do the work. So then, I have to sit back and evaluate each and every thing that is on my GIANT To Do list and see if things need re-arranged, taken off, or re-thought as far as how to accomplish them. It doesn’t mean I’m just going to quit. It means rather that I’m attempting to work smarter not harder and do things in the most logical way assuming that my dreams are indeed on their way to reality.

At this point it’s all I’ve got. Faith and myself. Make the best of it, right?

Finally, the fire comment is more about a practical issue.

We’ve been battling the bed bugs again. Apparently despite spending thousands of dollars over the last 3.5 years fighting them, some have survived. We thought we were meticulous in treating things that were moved, especially if we didn’t put them into storage. Yet, we still have the damn bugs back. I hate them, detest them. I’ve sprayed gallons of toxic chemicals trying to kill them, done loads and loads of laundry for the same purpose. Yet, they persist.

So, in acknowledgement that I simply can’t win that war, I now know the only way to win and truly kill the bugs is to burn every soft good and even some of the hard goods that we own. If I try to donate any of it, I risk giving that horrible infestation to someone else- something I can’t bring myself to do. I normally would abhor such blatant wastefulness, but the damn bed bugs are insidious. I have sprayed every crack and crevasse hundreds of times, we’ve treated and washed and dried every soft thing we own dozens of times. And “They’re Back!” Like the evil spirits from “Poltergeist”. Thus like felling the house in “Poltergeist” I perceive that to be the only way to ensure neither us, nor anyone else, ever has to deal with our batch of bed bugs again. Curse that damn apartment complex for sharing them with us!

SO, that is how I’m proceeding: giving LOVE, SEEING the ILLUSION, having FAITH, and planning for A GREAT FIRE and MOVE.

Wish me luck and send your prayers that all works out in the end.