Tag Archives: me

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Progress, who needs progress.

Well, sort of. … I felt like I should be writing a general update, as it’s been a while. But there’s not really anything to report- at least in regards to the original reason for starting this blog.

The construction is at a dead standstill. No Supplies, no money for a while, and now no time either, and my back still being out isn’t helping. I don’t deal with chronic pain well, though I suspect I need to sit with Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” in addition to the manual therapies I’ve been doing on myself. I’m sure she has something to say about your mid-back seizing up right during a period of stress.

I have apologized profusely to my family repeatedly. It seems every time I try to fix anything it seems to get worse. I am doing my level best to honor that it’s a hard journey to begin with. I’ve repeated “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” more times than I can count. I’m still trying to convince myself that this is all life is ever going to be and it’s fine. Such a bleak outlook makes finding joy difficult at best, but Law of Attraction swears that’s what you’re supposed to do. Let go and find happy anyway.

I look to my matron deities Brighid of the Celtic pantheon, and Kali of the Hindu pantheon. They are both butt kicking creatrices in their own right, taking the dregs of the world in front of them, smashing and burning, to create something new and better. I’ve done the smashing and burning- literally! So, where’s the making of beauty?

Sadly, I don’t have the answer. I’ve fresh run out of answers for myself or anyone else.

I wish I did have answers. It’d be a whole lot easier. The messages I get seem to appear as answers, but at this point I think I’m having trouble with faith again. I’ll work on that too- my promise to myself was continue to do my best to improve in any way I can. It makes for a very long to-do list of self-improvement.

So, I’m continuing with the introspection- hence another blog post. I feel like this has become my journal. At the very least it helps me organize my jumbled thoughts and place them somewhere outside of myself for a bit. That helps.

So progress, sometimes it seems elusive, yet there’s always some form present.

Lets see….

I’ve made lots of progress  on self-care. Pretty much if I’ve been off work, I’ve done something in that category. Re-cap: cupping, stretches, received a great massage, inversion table, heat, ice, worked trigger points on myself. Rest- gads of that. I think I needed it the most. Yet my back is still very sore. The offending trigger points are along my abdominals and serratus muscles right under my ribs where the diaphragm attaches. I suspect the trigger points seized up and are pulling on my diaphragm causing the pulling sensation inside my back. So I’ve got to get the front & sides to drop tension, the ribs and vertebrae to relocate to their proper alignment, and then the painful nerve constriction should cease. Yet, I felt like I accomplished that twice this week, so perhaps now I must alleviate the energetic component so that it stays better. So OK, Ms. Hay, what ya got for me?… I’ll let you know if I find something in her writing that helps.

In the meantime, I got my Massage CEU’s taken care  of and my license renewal submitted to the state. I was actually expecting it to be a more painful process based on my original license application. I guess they figure if the first one is painful it will weed out the riff-raff and then subsequent renewals don’t need to be as obnoxious. Anyway, I did all 12 credits online since I’ve been financially behind the 8 ball indefinitely, it’s really the only way I can afford to do my CEU’s and bonus it lends itself to doing them last minute, which it seems is always a necessity budgetarily speaking. It made for a long day, but the result is another year before I need to even think about doing anything else. My National boards will be the next thing to come due, and that too will probably get put off until the last minute.

Wood was cut all day yesterday, and when all was said and done, I thought we would be good for a while. Except that it’s all soggy from being out in the open during the last couple of storms. I went to light this mornings fire, and went through several rounds of kindling with no actual fire resulting. Nathan then helped find some dryer wood and together we got a fire going. Then to compensate for dry time, he went and bought $20 worth of wood from a man in Gallatin. So now if we stack all the wet wood under all the dry wood, but the time we go to burn it, all should be well. Hopefully this round will be more than 3 days worth of wood (that’s what we’ve been averaging prior). Nathan and I keep commenting that we have no idea how some people can handle being professional lumber jacks, it’s kicking our butts.

Exercise continues, though at a much gentler pace this week.

I’m struggling with carbs and stress- they are a nasty pair that like to gang up on me and persuade me to do things I would have enough sense not to do otherwise.

Ian is talking non-stop. This morning he told me that he didn’t want that one [cartoon], he wanted “word party”, he didn’t like that one, and word party is fun. Geesh. Smart kids are hard, and a lot of work, and exhausting. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow, let alone by August when he turns 3. But I’m grateful that he is smart and strong, hopefully his life will be easier than mine.

Anya is Anya. She’s 11.5 years old going on the proverbial 15. She swings from being really helpful to really moody in a sneeze. I can’t please her, and my words bounce off of her as much as they do Ian. Yet somehow I feel like she really cares and is probably fighting her own new-hormone-induced demons.

Our Yule tree is slowly being dismantled, after having only had lights on it for about 2 weeks. The lights were taken off prematurely because it was after the first of the year, and I had to explain that is my rule when it goes up Thanksgiving weekend. It could have stayed up longer and been fine by me. But since the lights were off, we just left it that way to dry, slowly breaking branches off for kindling.  We now have a dead, half gone, scraggly tree in our living room! I don’t know weather to laugh or cry.

It’s tax season already, and I’ve barely put a dent in what needs to be done. Being self employed makes for much more obnoxious and time consuming taxes. C’est la vie! I’ll work on it a little at a time and they’ll still get turned in on time.

I got some music. Some via Google Play, some I checked out from the library. My playlists on my phone are already great, but I suspect adding a little more will make for some good drive time. I really do love music- playing, singing, or listening. Every commute is me singing and bopping my head to the music de jour, blasting via Bluetooth through loud speakers, while sailing down the highway. For some reason one particular mantra piece has been resonating intensely for me and many a commute has been it on repeat, singing at the top of my lungs- LISTEN HERE. Though I’ve also spent a fair amount of time with Deva Premal’s Gayatri Mantra. I think I get a little carried away, but I just feel so good singing along. That is the one place where strange looks don’t bother me. Go ahead and yuck it up at my expense, at least my commute was enjoyable for the most part. That and my lack of shaving, and my lack of wearing make-up, those are the only elements in my life where I feel like I’m invincible. For some reason, I don’t give one iota other’s opinions on those 3 topics. It’s too bad I can’t bleed some of that confidence over to other things.

Work is going ok. I had some rough scheduling moments last week, and missed a few of my residents. I’ll make it up this week. The newspaper route is going well, save for crappy weather. One night it was so windy that we kept having to chase the lightweight papers and re-throw or place them somewhere we knew to be safe. Another night we had negative temperatures, and even with boots and double layered socks, my toes still froze. And last night the ice wasn’t too bad until what would have been the last 20 min any other night. It took us 90 min to finish the last 20 of route and drive home (also usually 20 min), so the ice essentially double the last portion of our night.

We’re ploughing through fuel trying to make more money, so it looks like first chance I get, I’ll be buying a used hybrid. It will help with fuel consumption massively, but it means that any other plans will be delayed again. Just go with it – right?!

Chocolate is my friend of late, with coffee a close second. I can see Nathan is literally wearing himself out and I’m helpless to do anything to correct it. I have a very intense feeling of “no one listens to me” that I’ve yet to conquer. Ian is smack dab in the middle of his terrible two’s, and I want for nothing more than spring to come or a giant winning lottery ticket or to be held and comforted- but I’d definitely take all 3 and/or more (if God’s listening). – “Om Gum Ganapataya Namaha”

Wow, that’s a lot. Not the desired progress, but it’s something right? Life goes on. Make lemonade out of lemons. Sleep when you can. Enjoy what you can.

“I am where I am, and it’s okay, it’s alright. It has to be because it’s all I’ve got.” -Abraham Hicks