Tag Archives: meditation

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

My favorite mediations…

My pretty pebbles reminded me of my early childhood. Today has been full of memories and good thoughts from then.

My favorite mediations are my most mindful memories.

One of my blissful memories from childhood, was in spring and autumn when the weather was just right, my mom would open the window on the screen door. I’d lay on the rug in front of the door basking in the sunbeams like a cat. I’d open my eyes just a little and watch the dust particles floating in the sunbeams like little golden flecks of faerie dust. It was always such a magical moment that I looked forward to that every time the seasons started to change.

Another such moment I could experience anytime I wanted. I’d lay with my kitty. Growing up as a very small child I had Sammy cat, and a bit later it was Fuzzy. Fuzzy was a girl and lived a long time passing away my senior year of highschool. With both, and to this day with my current kitties, I cherish cuddling with them. Petting their soft fur and listening to their purrs. So much so, I can find myself in that moment anytime. So soft, that not even Rose petals or satin can compare. So warm, that even the coldest winter night is kept at bay. The deeply relaxing rhythm of content purring, that if you put your ear to their chest, resonates all the way to your core. The feeling of being loved unconditionally just radiating from such a small creature. It has warmed my soul and soothed my emotions millions of times in my life.

Likewise art has done the same. It doesn’t matter if it was crayons in a coloring book at 5 or oil on canvas at 23. Art allows me to focus and decompress and zone out completely. It is one of my mental saviours.

I have savored all of these memories today, turning them into my own personal mediations.

May you all remember your moments of bliss from childhood and find your mindful relief today. Happy Patty’s Day! ūüėČ

Bhagavad Gita meets Abraham

So, if you’ve read my blog, you may be aware I’ve come in contact with many things that most Midwestern American young white women would have no clue of their existence.

Partly this was due to my own inner knowing early on, that my parents religious path left much to be desired for me personally. Also it was partly due to a very unique set of individuals I met growing up.

In middle school I had friends of several different Christian faiths that allowed me to visit their churches. What I discovered was that I didn’t really mesh with any of the churches completely.

By highschool, I had read books on Zen Buddhism, Taoism, other eastern paths, and had learned quite a bit about my ancient ancestors which were most likely druids.

I had one friend that moved into the same small school I did, within months of my moving in. That friend introduced me to Wicca and reading her books, I knew it was headed the right direction. Another friend lived there her whole life, but her parents’ home was the regional Buddhist temple and I was fortunate to meet the Lama on one of his visits to Iowa. It was a very special afternoon, one I still remember vividly because I felt very clearly when something said resonated and when it didn’t.

Then by sophomore year I’d read “Siddhartha” and “Iliad and Oddessy” as part of my academic endeavors. I&O for a lit class and Siddhartha for academic decathlon. Both instructors guiding the readings commented that I seemed to get much more out of either story than most ‘kids my age’. They were right, much of both stories resonated deeply, but there were still gaps in what I was searching for.

We lived near Maharishi University, and many people in the Iowa city area followed their teachings, so my next stop was to see what I might glean from their teachings. I discovered meditation and had learned basics of many Hindu concepts. That seemed to fill many of the gaps I felt. In an effort to know more, I read more. That was my first reading of the Bhagavad Gita.

I’ve begun rereading the BG because it didn’t stick as well back then. However, in reading it for a second time, I’m now almost tempted to reread the others (time being the only hindrance).

What I’m discovering is that language barriers in translations probably hindered my understanding somewhat in the first reading. This time I’m understanding much more of what is being said and I’m amazed at how much of it overlaps with Abraham Hicks teachings. It makes me wonder if the same thing happened with “Siddhartha” and “Iliad & Oddessy” in particular.

I know both books’ translations were well respected versions, and I remember clearly some scenes being so enthralling for me that it was as if my brain turned them into movies .

For instance in “Siddhartha” there is an excerpt where the main character meditates by a stream and sees all the faces of his life experience, in the stream. It led him to the understanding of how we are all part of one greater energy stream. When I read that part of the story, it was as if I was sitting by the stream having that experience. It was vivid and real, and I fully and completely understood exactly what was being conveyed.

I was roughly 14 when I read that.

I was only a year or so older the first time I picked up the Bhagavad Gita. So if my new reading is so eye opening, with this text, I can’t imagine the response I’d have with another pass on Siddhartha.

For instance:

In the BG’s 4th chapter/book titled “The Way of Renunciation of Action in Knowledge” the 18th verse/line reads: “He who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction is intelligent among men, he is a yogi and a doer of all action.”

To me I hear a direct echo of Abraham talking about how uninspired physical action is useless and unproductive, but if one meditates and finds inspiration in meditation, then any action based upon that inspiration is bound to be successful. Abraham has said it many ways, but regardless of the words the meaning is the same. Inactive meditation followed by inspired action is the best and most effective, wisest use of our lives.

Who knew that there was so much overlap?!

Abraham probably did!

Heck somewhere in my mind it had to have registered. Yet, another thing Abraham is right about. If you’re not ready to receive the information, then no amount of exposure will line you up with it.

Just because I read the text years ago didn’t mean it registered, that’s why I even acknowledged a reread couldn’t hurt. I knew I’d missed things, and it just didn’t stick over time.

Now that I’ve heard the information from a western perspective, and accepted it’s applications in my life, it’s starting to sink in. That has led to seeing the missed variations that I’d already read years before.

For me this is merely validation that I’m on the right track. I’d already read it years ago, but over time I’ve been exposed to variations from throughout history, and it’s finally making sense. I’m finally understanding and seeing it working, and rereading one of the early examples causing a ‘seeing it for what it is’ realization.

It’s like hiking a path to the top of a crest and looking down the crest one way, and looking back down the path and connecting just how far you’ve come.

It feels good.

I think I’ll finish the Bhagavad Gita just to solidify for myself that I’ve gotten what I can out of it.

May you all have your AhHa moments this week and have that sense of accomplishment. It is good to feel that sense of ‘coming so far’ to know where you’ve been.

Creative relief.

Still no new home.

 Cats dwindled down to 3 again. One, sick from old age, was euthanized to prevent pain and suffering. Being she was having difficulty seeing, showing signs of kitty dementia, and when she tried sitting, couldn’t actually fully sit (kitty hip dysplasia) and be comfortable. We knew she was miserable. Our hearts went out to her as we helped her find a path back to god.  Salem our older male disappeared outdoors and after 2 months of searching and examining found similar stray cats we’ve given up. Social media gave us hopeful leads, but alas none were Salem.

The  2 others never took to being indoor kitties and were rehomed to a farm cat rescue where they’ll be happy as clams and well fed  in their preferred environment. 

That leaves Buddy and Missy (the brother & sister kittens) and Priss (my old fat calico). 

Buddy & Missy cuddling ( they’re the same age at about a year old, but Buddy has gotten much bigger and stockier). They are so adorable!:

The only recent cute shot of Priss I have, she was thoroughly enjoying lap snuggle with Anya.:

 

For the holidays, we have one tiny undecorated table top tree out, and so far Anya is the only one to have gifts, having gotten to use all the Walmart gift cards to buy new clothes.

So, Monday when I had my first actual day off in ages, I decided to be creative. $40 in supplies (including raw balsa wood boxes) and hours of work later, I made 2 beautiful portable altar boxes and a set of mini elemental candle holders. 

The idea was spawned from a borrowed set. The friend that helped me gain insight into my connection with the boy had loaned me hers knowing I’m never home for meditative space anymore. After almost 2 months of using hers it was time to get creative and make my own. Nathan got a box of his own as a gift.

It was much needed creative relief, and yielded beautiful results that I know at least that I’ll use.

The mess I made of our bedroom trying to work in tight quarters:

The green box left of buddy is the borrowed inspiration:

Nathan’s box with his favorite motif on the top:

inside:

outside top:

My box, Inside:

My box outside(s):

& the tiny candle holders:

I even got tiny statues of Ganesh and Shiva for both boxes. I want Kali ones too, but haven’t found those yet.

Being creative literally is not only enjoyable for me, but helps clear my head completely. I lose time, and don’t eat- not because I’m starving myself, but because my brain doesn’t even think about getting hungry. I don’t watch the clock, and I’m always surprised at how much time has passed. It in and of itself, it is often meaningful and meditative giving my brain a much needed tiny, tiny vacation. When all is done and my brain returns to “reality”, I get starvingly hungry very quick and then crash from fatigue. This instance was no different and was welcomed acknowledgement of my creative mini vacation from life.

I do have to confess that the insides are decoupaged papers, and the outside circular patterns were stencils that I then repainted over to cleanup edges. I could have done them manually, but it would have taken even more time to sketch out the designs and paint them completely from scratch. It’s something that I chose not to rush, knowing it was my only chance to complete the project anytime soon. Besides that I love the look of the metallic paints, and I’m super  grateful that I had beautiful custom altar boxes for the two of us by Yule. They’re perfectly appropriate.

The only little one left, that I need to find at least one gift for, is Ian. In theory that’s the easy one.

As much as I’d love to get gaggles of goodies, I simply can’t bear to cram anything else into our current situation. So gifts will wait for the New Year and a new home (& I foresee new organizational furniture first too). Besides I still want to get those beds I’ve had my eye on for ages. We’re all over sharing bed space with a tossing, turning toddler.

Beyond that, I got to play Santa for a friend that needed the emotional relief, if not the actual financial relief. I had great fun, and it felt really good to do something significantly good  for someone else. I’m very appreciative of that and hope that my future holds the ability to do a lot more of that.

Otherwise, I just keep trucking. Day after day, work and more work. I’ve worked 32 out of the last 35 days, and the only 2 days off in the near future are Christmas Day  and January 2nd. This schedule is already old, but until the divine manifests whatever it’s been trying to tell me about, it’s pretty much my only option.

 I’m grateful for the work and the income it provides, but I’ve had many conversations with thin air about how it’s not really my ideal, far from it in fact. 

I really hope that whatever is gestating in the ethers brings relief and moves me much closer to my ideal. I’m hoping the messages I’m getting about Valentine’s Day time frame (including my birthday) are clues of that something good, but I simply don’t know. Just that February is important somehow. Looking forward to better days.

Dropping oars with Krishnas

So, today I have spent a lot of time contemplating religion, apporpeau for a Sunday I suppose.

In general I have few religious hangups. I’ve been to the Buddhist temple here in KC and back in Iowa where my friend’s family hosted it in their home. I’ve been to the Hindu temple in Omaha & here in Shawnee.  I’ve been to religious round tables, and sat in on discussions with Islamic imams. I’ve been to gong  bath meditations with Sikhs.

This morning though I got stuck on my few hangups about Christianity.  I was bullied as a child by “good Christian children” that their parents couldn’t believe would bully another child, or so they said. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. 

I’ve watched Christians harass and belittle people of a wide variety of walks of life. I’ve watched “good Christians” physically harm other people based on race and religion.  So, then I get stuck, very upset,  when Christians try & tell me or anyone else that taking Jesus as their saviour is the only way to God.

I can feel right now I’m headed out of my vortex,  so I’ll wrap up by saying that many religions predate Christianity. Christianity,  Judaism,  and Islam share the same old testament bible/torah, yet those 3 are the religions most at war with each other and the rest of the world. Yet, other religions have survived for thousands of years longer.

I don’t honestly believe the religious label that someone claims makes them any more or any less likely to find their connection  to God. It’s more about their life, what they resonate with,  and how they come to an understanding of the weird ways of the universe. 

What matters more to me is that any individual is attempting to find love in their hearts for themselves and their fellow human beings.  That they attempt to show that love as much as possible and allow the love to win over anything else.  Finding compassion and understanding for their fellow humans as much as possible.  Showing that compassion through charitable works of any variety. 

 That to me speaks to holding God in your heart regardless of the labeling or religious politics you side with.

So today,  I’ve decided to drop my oars of resistance over religious politics by going to the Hare Krishna’s open house.  Some meditation and great vegetarian  feasting for a Sunday afternoon of peace and positive contemplation. 

Just Be.

I am where I am, and it’s ok.

I am where I am and it’s alright,  it has to be because it’s all I’ve got. 

(- Abraham Hicks)

 Just breathe.

It’ll all be ok. 

Abraham says: go with the flow and it’ll be over soon.  That’s good. That’s relief. 

Sigh.

Quiet, still. Just be.

Be me. Be with source. 

Be calm.  Patience is easier when I’m just being with my inner me.

Just breathe. 

Feel the difference.  That’s what matters: the feeling in my body.

Relax.

I like relaxed. It feels good.  Warm, fuzzy, light,  airy. 

Soothing, yet strangely energizing. 

I don’t have to solve anything right now. There is plenty of time for that.  Besides, I couldn’t solve anything right now anyway.  This moment isn’t for that. This moment is for me.

This moment for me is about feeling better,  feeling good in fact.  I like that. So I Will… be, just be.

ReBirthing

Normally re-birthing is a process that happens over a few hours in a therapists office. It’s a very specific process that is intended to uncover and work through issues that center around birth and very early childhood, and the resulting body-memory/energy/emotional-set-point ¬†that a person could potentially carry indefinitely.

For me, I have essentially experienced this as a gradual unwrapping over approximately the last 2 weeks (a bit more perhaps). It as happened in little snippets of those intuitive flashes I reference so often. For me the flashes happen as images, short clips like YouTube videos or memories, and sometimes feelings, sounds, and even muscle memory. Anyway, I’m going to relay my unfolding to the best of my ability, and what it has helped me figure out, so that others might be able to glean similar progress.

——-

The Facts I know of my birth from parental stories:

-I was delivered by Cesarean (c-section). My mom was lightly sedated, so upon delivery my father was the first to hold me. Story goes I immediately peed on him and the nurses has to change his gown.

-My mom had blood sugar issues, but no treatment. It was a time when gestational diabetes was still a new-ish diagnosis and diet suggestions were made but not even strictly enforced, no medications were used because they were not widely accepted as safe during pregnancy.

-The doctor was a short man (my dad thought that was hilarious and has joked about it repeatedly over my life) that needed a step stool for delivery. His name Dr. Gupta, he was from India.

-At birth I was Jaundice and spent a few days in critical care nursery. My level of jaundice was so intense my skin looked orange and my dad nicknamed me pumpkin. I also didn’t want to eat for several days, but was tickled into nursing/bottle feedings to keep me hydrated. It necessitated at least an hour of direct sunlight (4 hours suggested) daily to help bring the jaundice down. It took about 2 weeks for my skin to return to relative normal color.

-At the time my mom was the only significant income in the family, so she only had 2 weeks off  (whatever the minimum was for the incision to heal) and went back to work.

———-

Facts about me in general:

-I require regular sunlight or I get depressed.

-I have been told I’m borderline diabetic and was considered Gestational Diabetic during my son’s pregnancy/birth. I controlled the pregnancy and my current state with Diet, Exercise, and certain Supplements.

-When I am very depressed or in a moment of severe negative emotions, my inclination is always to rock myself. I literally sit in a quiet space and close my eyes and rock my body back and forth like in a rocking chair. It is nearly always the only thing that helps when I’m at my worst.

-I don’t believe that I have actual conscious brain memory of my birth, but there is possibility of subconscious memories or body/muscle memory.

——

The intuitive flashes I’ve “received”, which may or may not be 100% accurate, please know that these all happened in meditative space, I have not consumed any mind altering drugs:

-I had a visual clip of the doctor rocking and rocking my bassinet in the nursery and humming/singing quietly to me.

-I had a similar clip of my dad’s early interactions, lots of bouncing, holding me and touching me with furrowed brows and very stiff movements. Another clip of the moment after I peed on him, being held in mid air (almost like Simba from Lion King) while nurses wiped my dad off and put a new gown or blanket over him.

-I had a moment where I felt the sensations of the rocking in the nursery, the lights seemed too bright so I closed my eyes, I felt very scared and wanted to cry, and then the rocking started and the humming/soft singing started shortly after.

-I had a moment where I felt very scared because I didn’t know where mom went. Dad was there but I really felt like “I want mom”, again making me feel like crying.

-I had a visual of my mom in the rocking chair by the window (at home), rocking me and singing.


My current interpretation based on all of those elements put together:

Mom was all I knew before birth. I perceived her as being my protector. Yet, she was unable to protect me from sugar, and I got far too much sugar while in-vitro. She did her best, and especially after birth, once I was home, she really worked hard to try and make up for it, rocking and rocking me, singing to me, like the doctor had done.

My dad loved me, but being a man from his generation, didn’t really understand how to interact lovingly with a newborn. Men were simply not taught how to do that. He was doing his best, but I as an infant without words could tell he was just different from mom, and I wanted the feeling place of mom, really I wanted the feeling place of what the doctor started.

As an adult I’ve learned a lot about alternatives. I perceive the doctor, even though he functioned through western medicine, probably had beliefs regarding spirit and it’s ability to heal because of his upbringing. I think that immediately he saw a beautiful baby girl, that was very special (I’m certain that my skin tone evoked memories of certain rituals in India) and that he knew I needed a little extra TLC. I think he was so touched by my appearance that he simply wanted to help me heal. He would have gone to his upbringing and did what would have been done in India. Attempting to connect me with my inner self, my spirit, to heal my body. So, he didn’t hold me directly, knowing that babies can get attached to those first few people in their lives. He rocked my cradle and sang to me, helping to calm me and soothe me so that my body could heal.

Now he probably thought that not actually holding me for any length of time exempted him from me getting attached. Unfortunately my new understanding is that I did anyway. For the first few days of my life, he was the only significant interaction outside of my mother at nursing time. Holding me or not, his interactions helped to soothe me and did help to heal me, so I attached anyway. His presence was a God send in an otherwise harsh sterile environment, and I now have no doubt that it was a major influence in decisions that I have come to over time. I simply didn’t know that I was making decisions based upon that interaction.

What do I mean?

I went searching for that feeling place early on in life. I was in 4th grade the first time I tried someone else’s church: a Pentecostal church (prior to that we’d gone solely to dad’s Mormon church). The Pentecostal church was fun, but didn’t give me that feeling. By the end of middle-school I’d been to the Quakers, Lutherans, Methodists, and Catholics. By high-school I’d read the Bible (blaech-boring and so damn convoluted with contradictions), Sidhartha, most of the Tao de Ching, and had looked up tons information on Confucianism and Zen Buddhism. I was a junior in high-school the day that my friend Erin invited me to her home, which doubled as the Buddhist temple, to speak with Lama Renpoche. It was a very expansive experience, being 2 hours of 5 high-schoolers speaking with an esteemed Buddhist leader. It answered some of my questions, but not all of them. It was about that time that I started learning about Paganism and Hinduism. Between the knowledge of the 3 paths, I found mine. I called myself pagan, because no other label really fits, no one box label is truly accurate, because honestly I just blend what works for me. Adding hindsight about the birth, explains why I resonate with mantras, it’s likely that that is what the doctor was singing to me. Regardless the feeling place of being rocked in the cradle with the mantras being sung is evoked when I meditate, and I would not have found meditation if not for learning about Buddhism and Hinduism. So the attachment to that doctor guided me to find the knowing.

Fast forward, and my birth again guided me when I went to have Ian. I knew that I wanted my child to have an amazing birth. A loving birth. Essentially, I wanted my child to have the experience that I was denied, I wanted the opposite of my birth. I went to great lengths to ensure a home water birth while having “Gestational Diabetes”. I stuck to it because I was deciding for someone that had no say. And I did.

Ian’s birth was nearly perfect. 12.5 hours of labor, as gentle as could be. Soothing warm water surrounded me for three quarters of it. Ian was born in occiput posterior (OP) position (really most of labor was that way), but my midwife was unfazed by the positioning and so I was fine too. I knew I was in capable hands and that helped the birth experience go great. Ian was born, and with the exception of a very brief removal of the cord from his neck, I was the first person to hold, to touch my child in those soothing warm waters. Dad (Nathan) reached forward around me and held his tiny hand. It was a very soothing wonderful experience. Even when we finally got out of the birth tub, it was 10 steps to bed and cuddle time for essentially 24 hours straight. Blissful.

I have said and will continue to say that Ian’s birth went as perfectly as any mom could expect, and I know that a major part of that was my willingness to do whatever that took with diet, exercise, and mindfulness.

The only thing that I would have changed was how much time I took off of work afterward. I too was the sole income for our little family (perhaps another remnant of my birth re-manifesting), so I only got 3 weeks off and even during that 3 weeks I did work a little. I sincerely hope that Ian can forgive me for that when he gets older. We minimized my working as much as possible, but when you are the only source of money, it’s unavoidable to return to work sooner than you’d like.

My birth experiences as a baby led to greater effort on my part and decisions that produced entirely the opposite experience for my child. I am ever so grateful for that. I can not fully put into words the relief I felt when I realized that. It was a very healing realization.

That being said, I love myself even more. I appreciate that I was able to undo a well accepted and well established “necessity” to provide my child a loving birth. I appreciate that the energy of the birth experience far outweighed my desire to take the easy route with medicine and a hospital birth. I appreciate that my efforts will likely turn into better manifestations for my son later in his life, and hopefully a better understanding of my love for him.

—–

The only thing that remains from my rebirthing is this cycle of Indian men ‘loving and leaving’. I can see the pattern now. I can see that I keep inviting them into my life when I need help the most, my darkest hours. And like the doctor at my birth they duck out when the worst of the storm is over. It’s really more of a quiet unnoticed exit, as in you can’t see me, so now is my chance. This latest man is the 3rd such repeat of this cycle: one when I was a child in school, and the other -Rajesh- as an adult.

At this point, now that I see the pattern, I find myself reiterating that I would like for one of them to stay. I would like for one of them to love me enough to be a permanent part of my life. As much as I appreciate the healing they provided, I want to wipe the idea of detached from their slate. And perhaps it’s because I can see that even though they tried to remain detached, there is really no such thing. If I have these memories, I have these feelings, I have these associations, then there is an attachment- for better or worse.

You don’t remember things that you don’t care about. Do you remember what color your shoelaces were on a pair of shoes from 3rd grade? Do you remember what you ate for lunch the 3rd Monday of 4th grade? Do you remember all of your clothes from your entire childhood? No they were things that you were not attached to, so your brain didn’t lock them away. You might remember your favorite item or events from each school year, or your most precious toys, but you won’t remember them all. You simply didn’t attach to them all.

To me attachment is an inevitable subtle side-effect of caring. When you care, it affects you, and then you remember those things, those events, those places, those people. I want the things that affect me in that way to leave happy feelings, like childhood vacations and favorite meals.

Yet, my current experience of 3 of the 4 Indian men in my life is regret. Regret that I wasn’t able to convey my appreciation for them being there. Regret that they got away without knowing truly how much they helped me. Wishing that I had said or done something that would have led them to reconsider leaving. Wishing that they could have taught others in my life a better way (though that mostly pertains to the doctor in regards to my dad’s interactions).

So, it all boils down to love (thanks Ms. Hay :/ ). Those are all symptoms of love. Those are all aspects of interactions based on love. I couldn’t tell them that they helped me and that I loved them for it, and yet those that remained in my life were somehow unable to do what those men did. It also boils down to my ability to love myself and find that connection. Those men taught me how, but I don’t seem to be able to maintain it consistently to this day. I can’t spend all day sitting in the sun rocking myself and singing mantras. I can’t convince myself indefinitely that things will really be all right. Oh, I have my moments like that, I can do it for a few minutes here and there, even a few ¬†hours at a time, but all day every day is where I slip. I have yet to find their level of zen. SO then I want them to stay, because maybe I could absorb it vicariously through them.

That’s probably not healthy either. It must be another lesson on learning to love myself. I find it interesting that every layer of the onion produces one round of healing and another yet to solve. I love and forgive myself over birthing experiences, but have yet to figure out a way to love and heal myself in regards to interactions with other adults. Perhaps the point at which my memories of the men no longer carry regret, I will have one decide to stay. But maybe that is just a belief needing revised too. Some days I feel like all of my work is on myself, and that the interactions with life are merely the filler.

 

 

 

Hurumph.

Onomatopoeia for the way I’m feeling right now.

It’s not necessarily a good thing, but it could be worse.

I’ve spent 2 solid days working diligently at Law of Attractioning myself more positive. Literally taking several blocks of time to choose the best feeling thought I could reach for. Catching myself thinking negative and doing my best to flip it around. I’ve sat several times and meditated using the good “visions” I’ve had in the last year as positive fuel, at one point meditating so deep that I lost 45 minutes when I only intended 15. I’ve distracted myself with upbeat music at every possible opportunity. I took a couple of naps. I even ‘virtually’ loved on the man long distance, and ran through a long list of things I already have with Nathan.

I oogled the sunsets. I oogled the sunrises. Both while driving.¬†I’ve even stared at the moon, which by the way, is almost full again. I’ve literally stopped to smell roses and other flowers in several people’s bouquets. Mantras, and pretty pictures, and acknowledging messages I’ve gotten of late.

So, with all of this positive thinking, attempting to drop the oars and float downstream, intentional releasing of resistance, why the hell do I still feel like HURUMPH?

Abraham says it’s because you have to reach for thoughts that are believable enough that you feel the vibrational shift. I thought I was.

Abraham also says that you have to focus on those thoughts for 17 seconds to start the ball rolling and 68 seconds to pick up any sort of momentum. I know I accomplished that several times over the last 2 days.

Part of me thinks that I’m allowing others’ vibrations to seep into my stream and slow me down. Though Abraham says that you should be able to bring enough light and good vibes to overcome that with enough focus, especially since you are the only one that controls your stream. So maybe I just have not found enough focus.

Or perhaps there is just way too much crap to try and overcome. Maybe my stream is the expert level white water rapids with all kinds of jaggedey hazards to attempt to avoid, and I’m no expert. I dunno!

I exclaimed on the way home. “Do you know how hard this is? Do you know how many thousands of thoughts I think every day? Do you know how far down some of them are, and thus how hard I’m working to bring them up? AND not a shred of physical evidence yet as encouragement.”

It’s like being told you have to do a thousand of something before someone will even think of giving you an atta-boy.

So yes, you might say I’m struggling a bit. Maybe tired is a factor. Maybe diet and other choices are a factor. I could have had a much worse week. I thought I did decent in the grand scheme of things. Got more sleep than previous, got more exercise than previous, ate less crap than previous, even managed to remember most of my supplements, etc.

There’s also Anya being gone again. 2 weeks this time, with Grandparents to Nebraska first, and then Florida for the second half. They also dropped a family bombshell when they picked her up, and that has me and Nathan both flustered. I think everything will ultimately be ok, but it’s likely a major contributing factor at the moment. I really don’t deal well with her being gone, it does affect our sleep drastically, and the bombshell did ruffle enough feathers to cause some worry and concern.

Bonus, I still want Nathan to quit working again. It’s just not produced any financial gain, and it’s made our life so much more complicated, there is way less flexibility, and he’s lost sleep more than we did when Ian was a newborn. I just don’t have anything good to say about him continuing to work. Yet, we don’t want to throw in the towel and go back down to just my massage wages either, because I’ve lost so many people of late. There have been so many people die that I’m down a third of my income at the moment. I know it will rebound as they add new people, but there is always an uncomfortable lag time in the process. I’d rather just figure out this art of allowing thing.

We’re also down 10 chickens. Raccoon food. On one hand- whatever, everything’s gotta eat, and I haven’t been using the eggs myself, giving many away. On the other, rawr, really just raccoon food after all the crap I’ve done to make chickens happen! Meh. I told Nathan this is very reminiscent of Ainsworth:

Aradia/Kara, Rajesh, and Chickens dwindling.

Has repeated as:

Jennifer, SJ, and Chickens dwindling again.

I could do with some really truly sane women, Good Indian men that actually stick around (or that respect me enough to stay in touch), and I suppose either no chickens to start with or being able to easily maintain their safety.

That and I gotta say, good shit has got to start happening or I’m likely to turn into a cold hard bitter bitch that doesn’t trust anything. I’m right on the edge right now, and I’m doing my best to tip it to the good side.

So tonight I sit teetering, saying hurumph, setting a goal that tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one.

I Had a Dream.

Or Did I?

[Side Note: Still in withdrawal from my phone. Trying to use a laptop for all communications just isn’t working too well. Some things just aren’t possible, so I’m feeling a bit disconnected today, and hoping this post will help.]

This is really a story from a few days ago ( a little over a week ago maybe).

I debated even blogging about it, as I have no proof, it could really just be my mind playing tricks.

It started as a dream; Nathan made some kind of noise as he was getting up to prep for his route, it woke me. I felt compelled to “Go back” and finish what was started, so I proceeded to meditate in the wee hours of the morning to get back to the “Dream” and follow through.

Sitting on the side of the bed I had an amazing experience that I just don’t know what to believe or do with it. So, after mulling over it for quite some time, I’m just going to share it here.


 

I felt like I was dreaming….

There was a dog barking, not unusual, but when it’s close and continuous I tend to want to investigate. I got to the kitchen window facing the driveway and I see a medium sized brown and white spaniel at the end of the driveway with something in it’s mouth. I think ok, it obviously wants me to come out, so I did.

When I get to the dog, it drops what looks like a newspaper in my hand, and I think: oh honey, I’ve got tons of those. I pet the dog on the head and proceed to turn around to head back inside. The weather is warm, but it’s getting dark so I don’t want to linger outside.

As I turn around I see a line of Animals. Left, close to the steps to the house: a black panther. To the right in order of lineup, the female Mountain Lion (from my real-life close run-in months ago), a male Lion, Tiger, and a Brown Bear. I literally think “oh my, it’s like the circus threw up in our yard”, at which point the animals seems to multiply and they start dancing. I just stand Awestruck for a moment.

I realize that something is approaching from my far left, so I turn my attention to that. It’s the black panther from a moment ago, and to the panther’s side is a woman carrying a young girl, they look related.

*That’s when Nathan made the noise and I woke up. I entered meditation and focused on the last image I had of the panther with the woman and child.*

The Panther guided the woman and child toward me. I stepped toward them. I could see the woman looked very concerned, verging on upset. The girl she was holding looked much like her. I could see the girl had lumps on her legs that were discolored like bruises. The girl was very thin, sickly thin, and looked like she was weak. She was maybe about 8 years old. I walked toward them so they were still in the grass when we met. I said to the lady “Don’t be afraid, when a beautiful creature such as this acts in this way, they are trying to help you…. Is this your daughter?”

She replied “Yes”. I asked for their names and ¬†the lady replied “I’m Anna and this is Suzie.” She paused and said that something weird had happened earlier, a hawk had blown on Suzie’s eyes. I explained that any time a wild creature acts in a seemingly gentle manner as that, they are trying to help. I explained that hawks have very good eyesight and perhaps the hawk was trying to bestow some of that eyesight on Suzie.

I asked Suzie if it was OK that I hold her for a moment. She replied yes, and I gently took her from her mom. I noticed mom was still holding a teddy bear and I asked Suzie if she wished to hold her teddy. She said yes and reached for it, but reached the wrong direction. I knew at that moment something was preventing her from seeing correctly. I asked Suzie if she was cold and she said a little. I said OK, we’ll wrap you up in a soft blanket.

We sat down in the soft grass and I covered most of Suzie with a blanket. I was sitting cross legged and had Suzie rest her head in my lap. I had momma sit at her feet. I asked Suzie if she had ever grounded before, and she replied that she¬†didn’t know what that was.

I explained that grounding is connecting to mother earth for stability and strength. I continued to explain that grounding is very helpful if we are struggling to maintain balance in our awake time, or if we feel confused or like we’re going to fall. I added that once we’re grounded we can connect to God and pull the two energies together in our belly in centering, and that it is a very good thing to do to heal our bodies, bring peace to our mind, and feel comforted. I told her it’s a good thing to do that process every day. ¬†I immediately thought to myself: I know how to do this, why don’t I do it for myself very often!?¬† I refocused and began to walk Suzie through grounding. I told her to put her feet in the grass and feel the cool grass blades tickle her feet. I waited a moment and asked her if her feet felt tingly, she said yes, so I told her to slowly pull that tingly feeling up her legs by clenching her muscles. I described it like pulling on a tug of war rope, but with her¬†leg muscles. Every few moments I would ask her if she felt the tingly sensation reaching a certain spot: ankles, calves, knees, thighs, hips, ¬†belly button, tummy. Finally, I described where the solar plexus is, just below the rib cage in the middle of her belly, and asked if she could find the tingly sensation there. When she said yes, I replied good- hold onto that sensation.

I explained next that we were going to connect to God through our crown, or the top of our head. I said God’s energy feels very light and peaceful, like fluffy white clouds. When we stick our heads up in the clouds all our cares just seem to disappear. I asked her to do that and again gave her a few moments. I then walked her through the same process to pull that light airy sensation down her body into her: head, neck, shoulders, arms, elbows, forearms, wrists, hands, chest, ribs, and into the middle of her belly where she left the mother earth energy. When we got back to her solar plexus I asked her if she could feel the fluffy clouds mixing with the tingly earth, and she said yes it felt really good- warm and fuzzy all over. I said “Good, we’re ready to begin then. … I believe that the animals are here for you tonight. I love all of these animals, and they all have a space in my heart, but they rarely visit me, so they’ve come to help you, and they want me to explain.”

Panther walked up to the little girl and looked at her mom. I said “Panther is very strong and very patient, he’s very fast when he needs to be, but enjoys laying in the sun all day long. Panther is not afraid of anything in the world because he is the biggest and strongest in his world. Panther wants to give you some of that strength and patience, and is inviting you to bask in the sun every day like he does.” After I spoke the Panther sniffed the girl all over and licked her gently in several places, one of which was the leg area I’d noticed earlier. When Panther was finished washing her, he leaned over to her face and nuzzled on her cheek. He then turned to mom, and licked mom’s cheeks, touched his nose to her forehead and sat down in the grass to my left.

Next was Mountain Lion. I explained what I knew of this beautiful animal: “Mountain lion is much like panther in physical abilities and desires, but she is a very good momma. She will do anything to protect her babies and keep them safe. Her love for them is strong enough to defeat even the fiercest threat. ¬†She likes to be alone at times, and is good at keeping an eye on everything from up high. She’s going to give you that love to protect you now.” The mountain lion then proceeded to do much like the Panther. She stopped over the girls heart, gently resting a paw on her chest and purring in the deepest most gentle big cat purr I’ve ever heard. While purring the mountain lion proceeded to rub cheek to cheek. After a minute she stepped back and sat next to Panther.

Next up was Lion. “Lion is the biggest and fiercest of all the cats, he is the king of his territory. Lion has little to no fear, and is a great leader. His strength radiates from him at all times, and everyone can feel that they must respect him. Lion is going to give you more strength and the ability to lead, so that one day when you are better you can do great things for this world. When you start thinking about what you want to do when you grow up, perhaps think about¬†some type of leadership role that benefits animals.” The lion stepped ¬†forth and with an open mouth proceeded to sniff and breathe on the girl. Lion gently touched her belly with his paw, and ended with a really big lick to her face. The girl giggled. Lion sat next to the others.

Tiger stepped forth. ” Tiger is also like Panther, but Tiger is very passionate, tiger always knows why she’s here and what her mission is. Tiger will stop at nothing to complete her mission and will overcome all adversity to do so. Beyond that Tiger has a great beauty, she knows her beauty and carries herself proudly. Tiger is going to help you know why you’re here, what to do, and how to show your beauty.” Tiger, purring the whole way, licked the little girl slowly from head to toe, and then proceeded to join the other big cats.

Finally, Bear stepped forward. I told her: “Bear is a whole different creature. She is a good mother protecting her babies at all costs as well. However, Bear knows when to rest, taking a very long rest each winter. Bear wants you to know that it’s OK to rest when you need it. Bear also knows that it is important to eat plenty of healthy foods: fish and berries and fruits and vegetables, bear will eat almost anything, but loves the bits that are both healthy and tasty. Her diet and her ability to rest are the things that give her such an intense strength enabling her to fight other bears and climb trees and swim long distances. She has much to teach you.” Bear came over and licked the girl several times in several locations. Then bear stood up and let out a fierce roar, very loud and very long. When bear was roaring she raised her paws in the air and at the end of the roar dropped down to earth hard and strong. It sent a beautiful light blue shock-wave of energy so strong that my actual body, sitting in my bedroom on my bed, felt the ripple. A ripple so intense I was nearly in tears. Bear nuzzled the girl and turned and nuzzled the mom, and returned to sit by all the big cats.

I took a long breath, taking in what had just happened. All of a sudden I just knew there was one more animal to visit with. I paused. Then I remembered the dog at the beginning of the dream. I looked around and didn’t see the dog, but could feel it. I waited a moment telling the girl that there was one more animal we were going to meet. When dog didn’t come forth I did the only thing that felt right, I howled like a wolf. Dog came trotting over happily and started licking the girl all over very excitedly. The girl started giggling and as the licking continued the girl started laughing out loud. I told them: “This is your dog, he has the heart of a wolf, fiercely loyal and a great protector, but the mind and body of dog and will be the most gentle and loving pet you’ve ever had. ¬†He will be your sunshine when you can’t make it outside, and will cheer even the most down moments. He will give you a reason to get up every day and will take care of you with his every breathe. Every lick, every nuzzle, will carry healing energy. When this dog comes to you in real life know that he’s there for you and welcome him into your home.” I turn to momma and repeat that “When you see this dog in your experience, make sure he becomes a part of your family, it is very important you take him in when you see him. This dog will follow you both everywhere and will be a guiding force through even your toughest moments. His joy will keep you both afloat if you allow it.” The dog sat down next to the girl and rested his head on her tummy.

I began to wrap up. “I don’t know what the future holds for you two, but I know these animals felt strongly about helping you and providing some much needed and very intense healing energy. Every-time you find that you need a boost, you might be struggling or just plain tired, remember this ¬†experience. It will bring all of those energies back into you for another bit of healing. Use the sensations you saw and felt here, to feel the energies from the animals. It will help you get through another day.”

I look directly into momma’s eyes: “Regardless of what happens, please know that you are being heard, that there is someone doing their best to help, and that even the animal kingdom did their best to provide healing to you and your daughter. You are loved and you are an amazing mom for putting your daughter first when she needed it most. I will continue to send prayers and healing energy for you both, and hold onto the dog. He will get you though everything.”

I paused to let everything sink in.

“I think it’s time you two return home. Panther will lead the way.” And sure enough Panther stood up and momma stood taking Suzie into her arms. The panther guided them off into the dark, and the dog followed at a slight distance.

I breathed a deep heavy sigh, and dropped my head saying a prayer that I hope I had done all the right things.



As I came out of the meditation I felt an overwhelming sense that I had communicated, so overwhelming I was in tears. I just knew that it wasn’t just a dream, and that I had done my best to do some good for someone out in this big wide world. I don’t know who Anna and Suzie are, or if that’s even their real names, but I do know that somewhere out there, there is a mom and daughter fighting a debilitating disease and I’m certain that they have prayed long and hard for healing. I hope that my experience made it through to them and that the animals really did provide healing. The only one I felt myself was bear, and that was because it was so vast and intense. Regardless, I felt like I communicated with animal spirits in a major combined effort to provide much needed healing. I have since sent Reiki to them many times, because every time I think about that experience it brings tears to my eyes.

I don’t know if the dog has shown up for them yet, but from having been at dog shows I knew it was a real breed. I looked up spaniels on Google and the one I saw in the experience was a Kooikerhondje (image courtesy of: DogBreedsPlus), which has a pleasant personality, great for a healing little girl. I really do hope that their dog comes to them, and that the healing form that experience is exactly what Suzie needed for total healing. Finally, I hope that momma reads this so that she knows it was real divine intervention. Sometimes we just need a little validation.

Many blessings to momma and daughter, and many thanks to all of the spirits that made the experience possible. I am willing and able to be your humbled mediator anytime. As Above So Below, So Mote It Be.