So for two days I have spent all of my mental energy focusing on healing. I have expressed gratitude for healing in all the ways I possibly could.
It was partly in an effort to overcome repercussions of having fallen, partly to encourage thyroid nodules healing (and all autoimmune problems really), and mostly because I do honor and respect the human body’s God given ability to heal. I am truly grateful that God gave us the mechanisms to heal everything imaginable. I am hopeful that I am allowing those mechanisms to do their job and heal my body from damage done over years of ignorance.
Today, I find my body has been uncomfortably purging. In hindsight Nathan said I am releasing, and reminded me that it is a good thing.
The practical side is I cried a lot, and had to ask for assistance from both the acupuncturist and chiropractor today.
I worked through moderate pain, because knowing how much damage my body already has I’m doing my best to avoid any further damage that might be caused by pain relievers. So I was literally muscling through pain. Then during my last massage the waterworks opened up.
Both my second and third clients had telltale signs of traumas. I found myself contemplating my life and how my woes are no where near what some people have faced. The one client had scars on her back that looked like either having been whipped or sliced at some point years prior. She bore two tattoos. On one wrist “love yourself first” in Arabic on the other “She is Art” in English. After she translated the Arabic I told her that was beautiful. Then I thought to myself, those of us that need the reminder on our skin have the deepest wounds. I was grateful for her reminders in my day. I needed those words as much as she did.
Regardless, I think my tears were either triggered by client stuff, or my own energetics finally hitting boiling point. Either way, I had a really hard time concealing my state and was grateful I had already had the 3rd person turn face down. I managed to clear the session quietly and gathered myself long enough to change out for receiving acupuncture.
I am so grateful I work with skilled and caring people. The acupuncturist knew I had already had a wave of emotional upheaval and gave me much needed support. She then worked her magic and made almost all of the pain disappear. Unfortunately, as the pain was releasing, so did a lot more emotional junk. I sobbed quietly as the needles did their work.
Afterwards I received another chiropractic treatment, and again found myself in tears. I tried to hide the tears not wanting to have to explain the how and why of them. They were less about the pain since it had backed off, and more the release with extreme gratitude for the assistance I was given. I have been in similar situations in the past that I just had to suffer through because of lack of finances or access and this time I have two wonderful people that helped me reach for a quicker recovery. Not only that, but they both took time and care to try and make sure we weren’t missing anything. They caught things I missed on my own. My gratitude is immense.
I was sent home with instructions for an adjustment to my self-care, which enabled me to watch a documentary on Netflix. My choice was “HEAL”.
I am familiar with nearly all of the interviewees in that documentary, and as I watched I found myself crying yet again. I was not learning anything new! So, how is it that I find myself stuck in bed with all these emotions spilling out of my eyes and mouth again? I found myself sobbing to Nathan about how I have already done all of the things that I knew and have access to. I meditate, yes some days I fail on time management for that, but more often than not I manage it. I have cleared so many things, and worked on forgiveness, and then on days like today it seems like I never did. Even the molestation came back up today, and that was one I was certain I had healed my perspective on. My head began to hurt and felt like a bowling ball.
Then one moment in the documentary seemed to make some sense of it all. There was a lady battling skin stuff, worse than my thyroid/immune version. She went for sound healing, the kind with focused measured wave patterns. The practitioner (I know of him well from my training) mentioned that her pattern was indicative of chronic severe stress because the proper frequency only calmed the stress response briefly and failed to get her into parasympathetic response needed for healing. He was able to modulate to achieve the desired results. Then they explained that people in that chronic severe stress response benefit greatly from meditation, but clarified that it takes more diligent/frequent practice.
It seems that is my need. I have definitely had the chronic severe stress, for let’s says somewhere in the range of 10-14 years. So my current meditation practice is falling short of the sympathetic response soothing that I need. That is a manageable solution I can work on.
For now my healing is headed in the right direction, and I will get better and better. I can do this. I am finally getting to a place where I know when I need to ask for help, yet I do still feel guilty about doing so. I am afraid that I will ask too much and burn bridges, so I hope God will help me be mindful of that. I also hope that those that are helping me, really understand how truly grateful I am for their help. It is priceless to me, and if I had all the riches I would shower them with it.
So my gratitude:
- I am grateful for God’s healing.
- I am grateful for those people in my life that help me to find my alignment with healing when I need it the most.
- I am so very grateful for the specific treatments I have had the last week, they have kept me functional and helped aim me toward feeling better even with a full schedule.
- I am grateful for new awareness and puzzle pieces beginning to make sense and stick together.
- I am thankful that my body has the ability to heal everything.
- I am thankful I caught the thyroid nodules before they were a big problem.
- I am thankful that I am aware of options other than what western medicine calls a solution.
- I am thankful that I have resources available to me that I didn’t have available before.
- I am grateful that I understand the complexities of a true healing journey.
- I am grateful that I know my emotional purging, headache, and other symptoms, are evidence of detoxing on multiple levels.
- I am thankful that God is helping me find solutions.
- I am very grateful for the chiropractor and his adjustments, the acupuncturist and her needles, and the office manager shifting my sheets in the laundry when she doesn’t have to.
- Thank you God for this healing.
- Thank you for healing my thyroid, my pancreas, my liver, my kidneys, my adrenal glands, and especially thank you for healing my immune system.
- Thank you for showing me that I need more meditation than the average person right now.
- Thank you for the understanding that the chronic severe stress is what is slowing me down and how to fix the response to it.
- Thank you for giving me so many of the necessary tools to do so.
- Thank you for all your guidance.
- Thank you for everyone that is praying for me.
- Thank you for all the healing and assistance.
- Thank you for letting me know it is okay too slow down.
- Thank you for reminding me it is okay to ask for help.
- Thank you for helping me to process emotions and past events so that they dissapate and quit causing disease.
- Thank you for helping me truly heal, mind, body, heart and soul.
- Thank you for reminding me of my strength.
- Thank you for showing me I’m closer to healing than I thought.
- Thank you for showing me all the things I’m doing right.
I do still welcome prayers, I have another 7 weeks until the doctor even wants to consider another sonogram, and I’m aiming for shrinking and possibly eliminating nodules by then.
May we all find the healing we seek. May we see how to slow down and de-stress. May we allow ourselves the resources to heal fully. May we fully release fear and anger so that healing efforts are effective. May we really understand gratitude and how special life on this planet is. May we know and appreciate our individual uniqueness and gifts. May we allow ourselves full alignment with a truly healthy body. May you love yourself first and know you are a work of art.
Siva Hir Su