Tag Archives: meditation

Mortality

I hide it well but am grieving. I have not lost anyone in a permanent way yet.

Part of my grief is my learning lessons from my trip to Connecticut. Knowing I don’t fit with my family, that I’m too different from them. I am grieving that my hopes were wasted, that even though they are my own genetic and learned behavior stew, I have grown too much to fit with them. I have learned to respect myself enough to just walk away instead of trying to win them over or make them hear me. But it sucks to walk away from family, especially when I really do love them.

It doesn’t help that I know: my father is actively dieing, my mom wants to be and is ignoring things that most would suggest to get checked out, and my brother is loosing his health because what doctors said to do didn’t work since the root cause was never addressed. That is 3 of my family members that may not be alive many more days, months, or years.

So I’m acknowledging that I don’t fit and I’m choosing to respect myself enough to refuse to subject myself to their disapproval anymore, but it is likely something that may soon be irreversible. It’s extra hard to make that choice.

I just know I deserve better and must do my best to keep growing and healing. Anything that hinders that must be released.

That knowing has me thinking about a lot of things in my life. All the people I care about and care for, and how some of it weighs me down and causes physical pain for me because I let them into my Energetic awareness enough. It’s hard to carry all of that all the time, and my most successful meditations recently have been ones where I manage to let go of all of it for a while. It is all dragging me down when I’m fighting tooth and nail to climb up.

It makes me want to run quite frequently, but then I acknowledge that my sensitivities will travel with me. Physical distance does nothing to solve a problem based in Energetic awareness. Yet I am not aware of the solution for my situation, or even anyone that has gone through this particular variation.

How do you fix something there are no answers for?

There is not a solution for Epstein Barr. There is no solution for Covid long-haulers. There is no solution to knowing you are likely to loose a large portion of your family in a relatively short span of time. There is no solution to being the black sheep of the family. There is no solution to fix it all.

Or is there?

Meditation is the closest I have found, and I am no monk. I hope that all my hopes are founded, and that my meditations really are enough to let the solutions and healing in.

So, I distance myself, I let go of others and grieve, and then I meditate.

Sometimes the grief takes longer than others, and it frequently repeats. The only solution for the grief is all the other solutions appearing or simple just giving myself enough time. It is a process all its own.

Bare with me if I don’t make sense. Forgive me for ramblings. Forgive me for stupid posts where I’m just sharing the one bright spot I found. I’m doing all the things to bail my boat and survive.

May you find your way through grief. May you never be tortured by a knowing of impending death. May you know you are loved and accepted just as you are by biological and chosen family. May you manage to always respect yourself first. May you have all the solutions you seek. Above all may you know the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, not just when you’re happy, even when you’re grieving, angry, frustrated or drunk (all of those emotions apply to me just today).

Om Shanti

Sensitive with clouds

So, I may just be super sensitive.

One of my clients today (who is also sensitive to energies) noted feeling symptoms similar to mine. She had taken to not eating certain foods because they were affecting her more and causing the symptoms to flare.

I told her pretty much everything except raw veggies and salads were seeming to do that to me, and the result was that I had gone two days of not eating anything except a salad at dinner (and liquids/tea/water). But I’m feeling much better running empty, and my brain is functioning better. I’m also slowly getting stress under control running on empty. It makes no real logical sense based on accepted medical standards. (That’s why Nathan still wants me to see a doc and get checked out, I’m not convinced it’ll do any good.)

Today I had my single serving of raw veggies at about 4pm, and dinner after work was a small salad with shrimp and sauteed zucchini. (The greens were fresh from our garden and amazing.) Otherwise I didn’t eat. Yet, I’m totally fine, and much improved in my sense of well being compared to 3 days ago.

After dinner a Sadhguru video notification spoke of shutting the mind off, and he was comparing uncontrollable thoughts to diarrhea. I joked with Nathan that based on his comments I must be needing to not eat anything, because even healthy whole vegetables are causing that for me. (You’re welcome for the TMI.)

Anyway, joking and TMI aside, I’m glad I’m starting to feel a bit better. Stress sucks.

I also wanted to share a couple more things that have helped me.

One meditation that I used two mornings running seemed to help with bodily sensations. I’ll describe it here:

First acknowledge the divine feminine is mother earth. She is fueled by the great fire within. We see her represented by Pele of Hawaiian mythology, Brigit of Celtic, and Hestia/Vesta of Greek/Roman. The energy of molten lava being at her core enables a great warmth which can be both destructive and life giving.

Then acknowledge that the heavens above are God’s abode. God force draws energy from the sun and air. Christianity acknowledges this well with most any ritual they do, but it is most evident when they draw down the “Holy Spirit” for baptisms and other blessings.

The two elements of divine force meet on Earth’s surface and in all creatures. So, to focus on that for yourself, can enable great healing energy to flow throughout your body and clear lots of negativity and blockages.

Simply sit and place your feet solidly on the ground, and rest your hands on your lap palms up.

Imagine the lava warming the earth beneath your feet and consciously slowly draw that sensation up your legs to your belly.

Then imagine God’s rays shining down upon your head and warming the top of your scalp. Slowly and consciously draw that sensation down your body until it too makes it to your belly.

Once you have both sensations meeting in the belly, consciously allow them to mingle and meet all of your organs. For me, I choose to focus on the warmth while I list off all of the organs and elements of my body that need love and healing.

It takes me a bit, but always helps me feel better, so that is why I shared it here.

The other meditation that has helped a lot recently has been very simple yet very involved. Simply put, I shoot down every negative thought, one at a time. For each one, it is followed by acknowledgement that my inner self feels good and I reach for one feel good thought that opposes the negative. It’s like the “wrong buzzer” from a gameshow, with a pause and then a “what does my inner being really think” moment. You could literally do this for hours and all day, I have before. Lately though, I just do enough of it to calm myself back to even keel and proceed with tasks at hand.

Finally, I took another hour walk at the pond today over lunch (I ended up with well over 10,000 steps again today.) It was overcast and windy, but I still found plenty of beautiful things and got some much needed nature relief. There is a guy that brings his dog to play in the pond and creek pretty much every time I’m there. The dog has so much fun that I couldn’t help but sneak a couple of pictures of pooch happiness.

BTW, I picked up trash while on my walk. It drives me a little bonkers to see trash when there is a bin available just to avoid litter. Plus people are gross. One of the items I very carefully disposed of using an empty box was a used sanitary napkin. Who does that?!?! Of all the litter, that one was the most irritating.

Finally, on the way home this evening there were two bald eagles perched at the top of the tree across from my favorite park: Minor park. I had to stop and take pictures. I’ll take it as a good sign and a reminder to visit that park again soon.

I hope you enjoy my nature pictures.

May you have good Stress relief. May you find meditation very helpful. May you have soothing nature moments. May you understand what is causing you to feel certain ways, and what to do about it. May you feel good mostly and have all the healing you need. May you feel relief and generally better each day. Above all, may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I deserve to feel good.

After having found the alignment through the climb my last several posts reflected, I knew I needed to milk it. The feeling place of those high vibration moments needed to do me some major good. It was time to focus on the feelings I want more of in my body and in my world.

Thinking about the joy and freedom felt in camp was a good start, but I want more.

I deserve to feel good and see results that others will also see. I deserve for my entire body to come into alignment, even blood sugars and thyroid function, all the things that doctors document. So far some of that has improved significantly and some of that seems worse. I use seems, because sometimes seeming worse is actually on your way to improvement (detoxing is a really good example of that).

I spent a long time focusing on feeling good in my body. I did my usual moving meditation to snap, crackle, and pop my joints back into alignment. I did some more moving meditation, almost like yoga, to stretch out some of my tight muscle spots. Then I was down to just a few of my extra stubborn areas. One is my right rhomboid. I have had times where other massage therapists spent 20 minutes just on that one muscle and it’s trigger points. Well on this occasion I simple rested my hand (more my finger-tips for ease in reach) on the trigger point and used several visuals to help relax it. My touch was the focus mechanism to ‘put the power there’ (that’s a rough translation of one of the Reiki symbols I use). Then once I engaged the energy in that spot I moved through more intense Reiki symbols. I visualized being She-Ra in her moments of healing (I’m going to write more on that soon). I visualized the muscle being like a pat of butter on a hot skillet. Eventually all of it put together, the muscle did give in and relax. It took a long while, it really wanted to hold on. I really had to convince it that it was off duty and didn’t have to do anything.

Then I moved on from structural elements. I felt for and visualized energy of love in and around my body. I let it start from my heart with loving myself. I thought of all the pieces of myself that I genuinely appreciate. Once I had the feeling of the vibration of self-love, I pushed it around my body mentally. Sometimes I would have to stop and focus on something about an area that could be loved. For instance, my thighs still carry much more adipose that I prefer, so I had to focus on their strength, the fact they can lift 210 pounds in addition to my body weight, the fact that they propel me everyday and everywhere I go. That enabled the love vibration to flow in those areas.

When all was said and done, I felt genuinely spectacular. The only drawback was it took what seemed forever. It was the better part of my Sunday afternoon, and though I didn’t watch the clock, I know it took a couple of hours or more.

My goal is to get to a level of health and focused thought that my process described here is more like a normal meditation. It will probably take much practice over a long while. It seems that most of my basic goals like this take about 9 to 10 months to fruition… Hmmm… I’m seeing a correlation with pregnancy. Anyway, I have noted that I do create positive changes, but it definitely takes a while, and progress still frustrates me on occasion when it’s technically there, but less than desired.

May you have good healing meditative moments. May you genuinely feel self-love. May you convey to your body that you do care for it in all the ways you know of. May your body generally cooperate with you and show you good positive results more quickly and in bigger more noticeable ways. May you know that beyond everything God loves and supports you in all that you do and are.

Om Shanti