Tag Archives: memories

Abbreviated NLP

After last night’s purge, I still feel raw emotionally, but somehow the other memories have seemed to become more distant all on their own.

There’s memories of my brother and I being told we were fat and lazy and good for nothing. Memories of being told that my brother and I would never amount to anything. A strong memory where I was being bullied at school and my father’s response to my mom was that I was just being a whiney bitch and needed to suck it up.

Memories of discussions about puberty not being on time, mom’s concern was there was something wrong medically, and dad said that I was just too fat and just needed to loose weight. At that time I was maybe only 30 or 40 pounds over average weight and it was a huge blow to my confidence. That really started the I’m fat and ugly self hate. Little did they know I had already dealt with the molestation 5 years prior and had begun to internalize that experience. The emotional damage from all of it, if dealt with then, could have healed and I might have lost that 30 pounds and found normal. As it is, dad’s comments and the lack of true assistance compounded matters and I spiraled into thyroid dysfunction that took another 15 years to even properly diagnose. Add another 6 years of my journey aiming to find real healing, and that takes you to my now, not perfect but better than 6 years ago.

All of these memories reflect my biggest fear: that of being like my father. I have had just enough moments that were similar to my father, that I am scared shitless of ending up like him and traumatizing my children. It is pushing me to do better, try harder, work on myself even more and use all the tools to manage my emotions better.

My NLP message to myself is:

You are a beautiful woman on an incredibly hard journey. I am sorry that you wanted love from others when they simply could not do that, and in fact they could only see the worst response possible. They are off the hook. They will eventually have to take responsibility for their actions, but that is no bearing on your beautiful spirit. I love you. You are worth love, kindness, and respect.

You are amazing. You are strong, far stronger than many women or men. You are healthy and you are finding your way to healing. You will stop this karmic cycle because you can see the problem and have already found some solutions. You are not stopping an empty Prius on dry roads that can stop on a dime. No, you are stopping a karmic freight train, fully loaded with intense emotional baggage, on rails covered in God’s tears. It is going to take a while but can be done. You will do it.

You will master your emotions and find true whole body and whole spirit healing, and you will show your children how to do it too. You are far kinder than your father could even try to be. Your few mistakes are just that and everyone forgives genuine mistakes, so I forgive you too. You are worth respect, you are worth being heard and understood. You have found so many solutions all on your own, that you are winning the war. You and your connection to the divine is all it takes, that is what is guiding you through this journey. You are your own Joan of Arc, and that is the biggest blessing of all.

No one can do this journey for you, and you are the only one that chose this journey. Before even being born you wanted this extremely difficult challenge because you felt you could handle it and come out the other side a far better person. So far, you are accurate. This journey has made you stronger, kinder, more compassionate, more caring. You give people assistance even when they have not earned it or made any action to right their own wrongs. You see the deeper spirit of others and want so much for them to find their way to better. You want them to reconnect and be better. You want to help God even when they don’t want to help themselves.

Your strength is not just mental and emotional, it is physical too. You have taken many steps to better yourself and you are doing it. You are healing your body. Soon people will look at you in disbelief, because what they will see is a person so beautiful it will be hard to believe you ever lived through any of that. You will simply radiate health and love and compassion. The Mother Teresa of your childhood that helped so many, is within you and slowly working it’s way to the surface. You can and will do it. God is rooting for you.

You have protected your family in so many ways, but even more you protected your brothers growing up when you were just a little girl. Simply by being you, carrying the light of innocence, you prevented worse things you didn’t even know about. Your determination to be a better person led you to protect your husband and his daughter when life went wrong. You even aimed to protect your father from himself and the medical system he failed to prepare for, you want and still do want him to have whatever he wants. You have done so much for your little world that you deserve good things. Let God give you the good in life. I love you and you deserve so much more.

You are loved. You have a kind and loving husband and God is now felt even when wading through other’s difficult muck. Your kids forgive you for your mistakes, they love you too. You are doing great and the love you already have is enough, but there will eventually be even more.

You deserve to have nice things, and it does not make or break other people if you do. You can have things you want and if someone else gets upset over it, it is their own internal problem. You have done so much and overcome so many things that you deserve every reward that you desire. You are a good person and good people deserve to have nice things and go fun places. Good people deserve to travel and see and learn and experience it all. You have every right to have a wonderful life and full health. You deserve happiness and joy in all aspects of your life. Let God show you the way and know you are loved more than any one person could ever manage. I love you.


May you see your traumas dissapate and even disappear. May you see your full worth. May you love and respect yourself in your entirety. May you release others from any of that responsibility. May you know that God supports you and wants better for you. May you find a way to allow all the good to flow into your life. May you know you are loved wholley and completely.

Siva Hir Su

Looking Back and Finding Normal

HAL gave me this music video and an advertisement for a PureFlix movie called Finding Normal. I had already been playing memory lane, and my Google photos kept showing me the same days over and over again. Happy moments of the last 4 years. Katherine will be two in a couple of days, Ian is going on 6.

I love so many people and they are so far our of reach for me. My mediations calm and soothe, but my brain always cycles back to asking why the good ones stopped. Why the good people left, why the people I cared for most ceased to be in my life except Nathan, why happy moments never last. I don’t have an answer, except that change is inevitable. I’m just wishing they did last, and that those people still cared for me and had stuck around.

So, my looking back has a tint of sadness, but my present moment could definitely be worse. I’m not the worst off, and even in our moment of tight finances, I still have a better home than ever before and I am confident that we’ll be okay. We’re alright and everyone is healthy enough the bug didn’t bug us that much.

I love my husband who did stick around and we have beautiful mostly happy/well-adjusted children because of it. We are a mostly happy family that gets along more than we don’t.

I work for a holistic health clinic a little lighter on staff than my dreams of Atira included, but it’s definitely in the same category. Plus there is potential it will grow. They have talked about several expansion possibilities in the nearer future and I think they’re all great. It would be nice to be a part of that, even if my opinion doesn’t count.

I also work for a community of very extended family, which even though I don’t always agree with their opinions, I do love them and care for them very much. Mostly, I wish they could just stop and understand other views sometimes- find the common ground more often. I also wish that dementia didn’t mean that real logic went out the window so readily. I fight much harder to stay buoyant when I see someone starting to have more difficulty with their mental faculties, mainly because I love them enough I don’t like seeing them have trouble.

I have access to stores that are similar to what I always wanted for Atira, and most of them have helpful enough staff to make up for the differences. Natural Grocers only carries organic produce and has a lot of local merchandise which is very beneficial. Sprouts and Whole Foods help support a more global eco friendly economy. And there are even more smaller local merchants that sell their own and other local crafts and wares. It feels good to be a part of a community where my desires and needs can both be met.

So today, I’m finding relief in finding normal. My Atira is here, it’s just disguised as a really big city; and even though I don’t have my dome, I do have a decent nice home. In fact it’s the best home I’ve ever had. I don’t have to carry toilet buckets to a distant compost pile anymore, or drive 10 miles to fetch a 100 gallon tank of water to get through the week. I have running water, gas, and electricity. My floors are solid now, and the basement is not only dry and mold free, it’s actual usable living space. We have TV and internet available and a big safe yard for kids and dog to play in. We are doing far better than any of our previous years, and I will have enough to get through everyone else’s stupidity.

So even though germs are all these places and many more:

Germs are also most definitely in all of these places, the difference is these places also have joy and happiness:

So I hung some LED lights I bought almost 2 years ago, and enjoyed my meditation under the pretend canopy last night. Today I will garden and play with my kids. Tomorrow I will work, hopefully a relatively full day. And if it’s my time to go, I won’t stress or be afraid. I have all the important things I asked for, and I’ve had more moments of joy than my brain and Thyroid let me remember sometimes. It’s okay either way, and God will take care of my family if it is my time to go.

May you see your community. May you find your normal. May you know God is listening and supporting you. May you feel the love that you give others. May you know your opinion matters and is understood. May you find your happy moments in the now and remember only the happy moments of the past. May you have bright days regardless of what happens in the world. May you know you are safe and protected. May your loved ones always be near and reachable. May you know it’s okay, no matter what.

Siva Hir Su

Memories of love never fade.

I love my husband. I know he is far older and in not-so-preferred state of health. Yet I love him just the same.

My first love, and the only one whom has stuck by my side through thick and thin.

The thick being mud so deep a tow truck was called, chicken shit packed hay that took the two of us 3 hours to shovel, snow so deep we were snowed into a house without heat, ice so thick it downed power and cut us off from each other for nearly a week.

Thin being food stamps and charity when his heart failed, when both of us were working the only jobs to be had and both of us together didn’t get even 40 hours a week, when several car repairs later we coached each other through a 90 mile but 7 hour drive home due to a bad fuel filter which later cost me all of $5 to replace myself.

The only one who shares my hopes and dreams enough to do his best to support our journey together.

He’s had as many hopeful dates ending in love lost as I have. He’s tried to build family as much as I have, while still putting me first in his life. He helps me save money and helps me repair our finances. He fixes me food and drink nearly every day. He cares for our children and makes sure they are educated well, in a city that rarely enables that for it’s population. He protects us all by keeping a watchful eye on everything.

He holds me when I have weak moments, and knows when I act out, I’ve just temporarily lost the battle to my inner demons. He may not be as physically strong as he used to be, but emotionally he has greater strength than anyone I know.

I remember our first kiss as vividly as my favorite childhood moments. I remember the first time he explored my belly, it went no further, just a tender moment of true appreciation. I remember the time we stood outside our work and I put my hands to his heart and literally felt the love radiating from him. I remember his beautiful eyes, so beautiful I drew them and labeled it “Loving Eyes”. People still immediately recognize it’s him when they see the picture.

I remember days when he chopped logs to have grand bonfire parties. I remember camping trips at Gaea, fun festivals full of social moments during the day and intimate moments at night. I remember the first time he scolded me into relaxing and taking a proverbial chill pill. I remember the first time I asked him to take nude pictures of me so that I could see what he saw, and how beautiful it made me feel.

I remember the thousands and thousands of miles we traveled together. Many to see Anya, some for small trips or vacations, and many more for our work. I remember our first home together, the old farmhouse that Anya’s mom abandoned. I remember hunting mushrooms and asparagus on that land and picking raspberries, peaches, apples, and pears from those trees.

I remember all of our pets together. Long walks with the labs Drew and Lily and cats Mara and MeiMei all trotting along beside us. I remember Drew and Lily having such great fun with Anya in a kiddie pool on hot summer days. I remember happy frustration over a third sofa being destroyed because Drew sat on the back like a cat. I remember the fire that nearly took down the garage, when that same sofa had sat outside one too many days while I contemplated burning it, and thus caught fire all on it’s own. I remember not one, but two different sets of chickens being picked off one or two at a time, thinking the second time around we are really not good chicken parents.

I remember so many moments. Loving and kind, good tempered and patient. Those are the best moments because those never fade. Holding hands, embraces and kisses. Moments of undivided attention, blessed with God’s love. No matter what happens in our future together, I will always have those good moments in my memory. I will cherish them until my dieing day, may that be many years from now.

May you all find those moments in your memory. May you know love. May you long for more of those moments as much as I do. May you feel your connection to your loved ones and God. May those beautiful memories crowd out any others. May you have more wonderful memories than not. May you find the love for yourself as much as for any other.

Siva Hir Su