Tag Archives: mental efforting


Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. – George Carlin


Thank you George, I’ve always thought you were funny, if a little crass at times.

It seems I’m dancing to music only I can hear, yet I have a knowing that at least a couple of others hear it too. I’m waiting patiently for them to step into that knowing.

This week has brought a lot to contemplate and do.

I returned to work and was flooded with messages many of which I didn’t understand or left me concerned.

I was also inundated with the news again. I have found myself wanting to rant about several things and then stopping myself knowing that it would be focusing on the wrong things.

All of it viewed as a whole leaves me with a knowing. I have recognized in hindsight some of my messages being merely markers to acknowledge I’m still focused on the same trajectory even if I have moments of doubt. Much like the highway signs that remind you which highway you’re on.

Because of that I’m seeing a little more easily the doubts and negative thoughts as being intrusions. They are intrusions from focusing too heavily on the energy which others are projecting, intrusions from Mass Hysteria and fears, intrusions from IT (Wrinkle in Time). I have been a bit more successful in reminding myself those are not mine and turning away from them. Practice, practice, practice.

I have also begun to notice my mirror messages.

I hear frequently, especially in my HAL notified videos, references to Divine Masculine as being your mirror. I can definitely see that, and it’s starting to help put 2 & 2 together for me. There are many things that if I view them from the mirror interpretation, then they make much more sense. This is especially true for a lot of my license plate messages I’ve referenced in the past. It also has begun to manifest when I drop cards: upright is me, reversed is about my masculines (Nathan included) Acknowledging that puts me more at ease. It helps me maintain a higher vibration now, especially more consistently.

I’ve also been able to weed through some things that generally speaking just are what they are. I take what I like and leave the rest.

My work at the moment is layered.

– I am noticing others in the public eye doing the same dance I am. I find relief in that and see the benefit of that path. For instance: the one female politician, when asked about opponents fumbles, simply redirected the interviewer to consult their campaign team and then went on to discuss things she’s working toward. … I like that perspective and it gives me hope that our government might pull up yet.

– I have begun to refocus my efforts into my art more, though I have yet to complete anything. I’ll keep you posted when I do.

-I have spent many hours searching through photographs of mountains looking for the ones in my dreams of Atira. So far, I’ve narrowed it to some of our West coast range father North, or mountains outside the United States. There are some pictures of the Rockies that look right, but my knowing that they are far from the ocean, makes me hesitate to latch onto them. I also want to talk to my mom about her desires. Things we discussed on our vacation make me wonder if she has the answer, or at least a good suggestion to look into.

– I’m also putting a fair amount of thought into home and work. I like helping people with massage but the chiropractic environment is exhausting which I already knew. I have yet to find my both solution for work. Home (a rental) is currently battling a basement mold issue that is somewhat affecting our health and though it could be much worse, I’d much rather have my new dome with excellent temperature and humidity controls. I know if I could move us there we’d all feel better within days.

– Otherwise, I am just doing my level best to focus only on the things I know in my heart and soul and wait patiently for everything to work itself out. I know that the next few months are going to continue to be very interesting for me, I’m just not sure of the details yet. I just know I feel the man, I feel Nathan more these days, and I know I’ve been promised good things being inbound, and that Angels are indeed keeping watch over me. I’m also doing my level best to prepare myself for the baby that God is nagging me about. I want this pregnancy to go easily and that takes a good deal of preventative action steps and getting as healthy as I can.

I have quite a bit on my plate, it seems more than ever, but the difference is this time I’m more confident and winning the battle against IT.

May you all have your confident winning moments.

I’ll leave you with a picture of one of the mirror readings I did for myself so you can see what I mean.

premisthunnanu ప్రేమిస్తున్నాను

Yesterday was a rough day. Heat got the better of me again,  that puzzle piece fell out & I got ugly again. Even with 3 portable air conditioning units,  the house was fairly unbearable. It was 97 degrees outside and about 85 inside. I don’t do well with prolonged heat. It’s why I know I’ll only ever be able to visit certain countries at best (some are on the no-go list purely because of extreme heat).

As I curled up in front of the one AC unit facing the sofa, desperately reaching  for a better feeling place,  that word kept repeating in my head.  I felt like someone was saying it to me and then I’d feel oh so very tired. 

I would doze off and wake to Ian getting into trouble because he was also bored and hot. I’d get angry and yell & then doze off again.  Every time I’d hear “premisthunnanu” repeated several times. I knew what it meant.  It was one of the phrases I’d learned, hoping to be able to tell that man one day:

Nenu mimalni premisthunnanu.

It means I love you.

I don’t know if my brain was trying  to pull up through a little self love,  or if someone was saying it to me. Though I suspect the latter (either way I know it was in an attempt to help me feel better). 

My reasoning:

1) Saturday we ate Indian food and while talking to Nathan I mentioned that the soup was the perfect amount of seasoning for me. Then “Aakupacha” kept repeating in my head.  I knew I’d learned that word,  but couldn’t for the life of me remember what it meant.  It took several minuets of wading through the language apps I’m using to find the translation. It was Cardamom. As soon as I told Nathan it stopped repeating in my head. 

2) Then there is Evan from massage school.  I haven’t heard from him since we graduated.  He was nice,  but at the time we didn’t have a lot in common.  Suddenly out of nowhere he sent a  message to me through the app I was using to talk to the other man. It uses completely different contact info than what Evan knew me to have.  Evan explained that his new phone just asked him if he wanted to add me when he installed the app. The next day my Nathan saw a plate that read S-Evan. We knew it was a message.  I started  another  conversation with Evan & discovered that we’re in similar “story lines” if you will.  I haven’t asked permission to repeat his story, so for here I’ll just say that he has a very christian version of some of my divine intervention experiences. I was amazed at how much in common some of the elements were. I don’t ‘fully grok’ the reason for the re-connection,  but I do see it was divinely influenced/directed. We both thanked the divine for the experience(s) and conversation. I hope to explore that connection more and hopefully gain greater insight. 

3) Sunday route, I spent driving in the dark listening to music as usual.  This time however,  I felt like someone kept giving me a hug from behind.  It felt very comforting,  very safe,  warm and wonderful.  At one point I asked who was there with me and seemed to get a muddled answer of several names, all of whom are deceased.  I looked up at the gorgeous moon and said “Thank You Lord Shiva” and got a very clear mental image of that divine aspect. Shortly thereafter I thought of the AWOL man & couldn’t stop thinking of him.  I felt some  sadness, but also much love. I clung to the love and spent the rest of route verbalizing things I love- Nathan,  things about Nathan,  the kids, cats, etc.

 It is clear to me that I’m getting divine messages. I would love to have more clarity on the meaning of them,  but I’m ever so grateful that I can see that I’m getting them at all.

I’m Focusing on the Law of Attraction  & Shivji a lot these days. It seems to be helping,  but I have yet to get solid consistency going.  I’m still back-sliding more than I’d like. 

Today I spent all day apologizing to the divine for having back-slid yesterday, and then an Abraham video pops up and the message is basically don’t beat up on yourself so much for going back to step 1. Step 1 being the contrast that causes desire for more.  The video reiterated to just keep reaching for better feelings and do your best to let go of the feelings about that contrast. Drop the oars and go with the flow of pure positive energy. 

They’ve got to know that’s easier said than done when the feelings are so intense as they were yesterday. 

I know the other side,  the eternal, are trying to help me. The messages are muddled but I know they’re trying to tell me something (or several things). I just feel like I  need more clarity, more understanding. And only more patience because of my lack of clarity. 

Today I made it through.  I’m tired,  but otherwise ok.  Never did find great feelings because the man keeps creeping into my thoughts, but I’ve stabilized from yesterday. I may be sad over that loss, but I do love him, and so I oscillate between the 2 emotions.  I’m doing my best to acknowledge that I liked everything he represented and that if it’s not right to have that particular man,  then the universe will provide an equal or better solution if I stay focused on his positive qualities. Again easier said than done,  especially in maintaining the feelings. 

 Finally, I may have to buy another AC unit yet just to get through the summer,  and my savings are dwindling quickly.  So much for tiny home plans. Plus,  Nathan is going to give up the daily route. His health backslid enough to acknowledge that it’s doing more harm than good. He wants to keep the Sunday only one for now, but did admit that his health is more important than a little work.  I thanked him for seeing that with enough time to correct. However, those acknowledgements didn’t help in trying to bring myself back up today. 

The upside is that I may have another senior center inbound which will make up for the lost income from the losses I’ve had this year. More work is a good thing until I figure out how to allow the miracle which will improve life overall. So I just keep on trucking, digging myself out again and again,  and doing my best to glue my puzzle together so that I can eliminate this conversation altogether.


One last note. I read a blog that upset me because it spoke of non-believers that supported LGBTQ, abortion, and assisted suicide. Essentially equating the 2. I want to point out that I’m both a believer and that person.

 I believe in the divine.  I have experienced the divine on several occasions,  and believe that I continue to do so. Just read my bogs to see that. 

Yet I am Bi-sexual, despite being born in/from a Christian family that hates LGBTQ, and has essentially written me off. It is why I want a poly family so much. 

Also, I  do believe that it’s a person’s choice to choose abortion or assisted suicide,  as much as it is my choice to fight depression and do everything I can overcome it. 

Do I agree with either?: I  don’t believe so, but it’s still their choice. Who knows if in just a particular set of circumstances that I might feel one of them would be necessary.  There are so many factors involved in those hot button issues (not the least of which is very real “true” health concerns) that I can’t honestly say that I would never succumb to them. I’d hope not,  but in certain situations they might be the lesser evil,  the path of least resistance.  So I’d hate to prevent another person from making that decision, and I’d like to believe that the divine understands that. 

And I’m going to quote Nathan here: 

If the divine is all knowing,  all seeing, doesn’t he already know all of that exists? Can you keep a secret from God? He knows us better than we know ourselves. God is all powerful,  the Shiva aspect is called the destroyer for a reason [biblical smiting inferred as well].  So why would LGBTQ even exist if God didn’t know about and approve of them.

Back to my opinion: 

We’re doing a good enough job killing each other with guns and bombs, and chemicals in our foods and vaccines.  The last thing “A Believer” should be doing is finding something else to fight over. 

To me a believer should exist in love and peace and work with fellow humans to improve this planet and help eliminate the need for things like abortion and assisted suicide. 

Imagine no one receiving a ‘3 months to live’ diagnosis,  no reason to contemplate whether futile painful treatments is worse or better than just letting go with a doctor’s help. No reason that a mother might be told that either she or the baby would die and having to pick between herself or her baby. 

Work on finding solutions, meet those people in person, and then tell me that it’s ok to equate them as non-believers and evil-doers. If you can’t exist in their heads even for the  length of a conversation, exist in their shoes for a day,  then you have no right to judge. The pain they’re in is already bad enough without your judgement.