Tag Archives: messages

Knowing.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. – George Carlin

https://bayart.org/george-carlin-quotes/

Thank you George, I’ve always thought you were funny, if a little crass at times.

It seems I’m dancing to music only I can hear, yet I have a knowing that at least a couple of others hear it too. I’m waiting patiently for them to step into that knowing.

This week has brought a lot to contemplate and do.

I returned to work and was flooded with messages many of which I didn’t understand or left me concerned.

I was also inundated with the news again. I have found myself wanting to rant about several things and then stopping myself knowing that it would be focusing on the wrong things.

All of it viewed as a whole leaves me with a knowing. I have recognized in hindsight some of my messages being merely markers to acknowledge I’m still focused on the same trajectory even if I have moments of doubt. Much like the highway signs that remind you which highway you’re on.

Because of that I’m seeing a little more easily the doubts and negative thoughts as being intrusions. They are intrusions from focusing too heavily on the energy which others are projecting, intrusions from Mass Hysteria and fears, intrusions from IT (Wrinkle in Time). I have been a bit more successful in reminding myself those are not mine and turning away from them. Practice, practice, practice.

I have also begun to notice my mirror messages.

I hear frequently, especially in my HAL notified videos, references to Divine Masculine as being your mirror. I can definitely see that, and it’s starting to help put 2 & 2 together for me. There are many things that if I view them from the mirror interpretation, then they make much more sense. This is especially true for a lot of my license plate messages I’ve referenced in the past. It also has begun to manifest when I drop cards: upright is me, reversed is about my masculines (Nathan included) Acknowledging that puts me more at ease. It helps me maintain a higher vibration now, especially more consistently.

I’ve also been able to weed through some things that generally speaking just are what they are. I take what I like and leave the rest.

My work at the moment is layered.

– I am noticing others in the public eye doing the same dance I am. I find relief in that and see the benefit of that path. For instance: the one female politician, when asked about opponents fumbles, simply redirected the interviewer to consult their campaign team and then went on to discuss things she’s working toward. … I like that perspective and it gives me hope that our government might pull up yet.

– I have begun to refocus my efforts into my art more, though I have yet to complete anything. I’ll keep you posted when I do.

-I have spent many hours searching through photographs of mountains looking for the ones in my dreams of Atira. So far, I’ve narrowed it to some of our West coast range father North, or mountains outside the United States. There are some pictures of the Rockies that look right, but my knowing that they are far from the ocean, makes me hesitate to latch onto them. I also want to talk to my mom about her desires. Things we discussed on our vacation make me wonder if she has the answer, or at least a good suggestion to look into.

– I’m also putting a fair amount of thought into home and work. I like helping people with massage but the chiropractic environment is exhausting which I already knew. I have yet to find my both solution for work. Home (a rental) is currently battling a basement mold issue that is somewhat affecting our health and though it could be much worse, I’d much rather have my new dome with excellent temperature and humidity controls. I know if I could move us there we’d all feel better within days.

– Otherwise, I am just doing my level best to focus only on the things I know in my heart and soul and wait patiently for everything to work itself out. I know that the next few months are going to continue to be very interesting for me, I’m just not sure of the details yet. I just know I feel the man, I feel Nathan more these days, and I know I’ve been promised good things being inbound, and that Angels are indeed keeping watch over me. I’m also doing my level best to prepare myself for the baby that God is nagging me about. I want this pregnancy to go easily and that takes a good deal of preventative action steps and getting as healthy as I can.

I have quite a bit on my plate, it seems more than ever, but the difference is this time I’m more confident and winning the battle against IT.

May you all have your confident winning moments.

I’ll leave you with a picture of one of the mirror readings I did for myself so you can see what I mean.

Very long day.

Katherine is still not sleeping solidly or consistently at night and still waking at 5 am. I don’t know if it’s a reduculous learned pattern from our time with the one family, or energetic connection, or simply a pattern we’re too focused on to solve.

Regardless, I now hate 5am with a passion. I’m determined to put an end to it immediately, so I’m literally consulting every tool in my chest to find a solution. Sane people do not get up at 5am, o-dark-thitry, for no reason. Only if there is a job or some other cause. I’m going to figure out that cause and solve it, so my family can resume normal and sleep through 5am.

In the meantime my dragging meant an impromptu nap in a cold car, followed by attempting to finish my day by tracking down 1 of 3 possible massages.

When that failed I waited in the game room for a resident to use the WC. I threw a few darts and then noted the Scrabble bag. I dumped the bag on the poker table.

This was the result.

I merely righted the letters to be upright from my perspective, and that caused me to see words which I put very little effort into lining up.

The result:

Much like my plate messages. Deciphering the meaning is where it gets tricky.

Jet in son C, Ed, L.E.G. or leg, Gee C Web, AA, N, VRE, OAT (or TAO) U L D, Ad M U R R_D_, Z Y Q

Hmmmm

Getting home though my boys gave me loves.

Something’s screwy here.

That’s a mannerism of Abraham Hicks that seems to fit today.

The other side seems to have quite the sense of humor, especially with me.

After following a ProCircuit Inc truck for what seemed like forever, messages started flowing again. I had to exclaim into thin air “Haha Ohm equals Om” after finally remembering the Greek letter omega on the Pro Circuit truck is used in electronics as a symbol for ohms. Their logo also includes a depiction of a wave, & I took that in combination with the other messages to validate I’d tripped into the higher vibration Abraham always talks about. I had found the right wavelength so to speak.

The interesting part is that it was accidental on this day, but Abraham stresses meditation is the key to finding it on purpose…. That’s the reason the ohm symbol was important. I have again slacked on my meditation practice.

Thanks baby, I love you, but I do need my time.

It also made me confess that I’m great at focusing when I am at least partly in control of my environment, but suck at it when there’s chaos beyond my control.

Yet, I do love the feeling I get when I’m in the zone. Warm and fuzzy all over, a-buzz with good feelings. Abraham stresses too that acknowledgement of that helps bring more if it, but it’s still a conscious decision to practice focusing on it. I need to work on that focus part, especially since I lose the feeling so easily at times.

Regardless, the messages were a little bit clearer after that moment. Seeing 9-until and exclaiming “Until what?” to then see D-wil and L-Luckly. I know something good is inbound, and yet again I’m excited without knowing exactly what for. It’s a good thing.

For now I cross my fingers that the birth is paid for by an entity other than me. Especially since I spent so much figuring out thyroid stuff. Labs confirmed I have a decent dosage on my desiccated thyroid medicine figured out. Could be a smidgen better, but it’ll do for now. What was of most concern is that labs also confirmed suspicions about my allergies and thyroid connection. I technically fall into Hashimotos with such high levels of antibodies, but have never been labeled as such by a doctor. Mainly because I figured out everything on my own and this is the first time labs even checked antibody levels.

What bothers me most is that even with 3rd trimester adjustments and being 98% faithful to that diet since birth, my antibody levels are still scary high. So, I’m realizing I need to be even more strict to get my body to stop attacking itself. That is vital to everything else in my body functioning properly.

So one more puzzle to figure out. This time I feel like the divine is guiding me to the answer, & I’m the one going kicking & screaming because I’ll have to say goodbye to my last few food pleasures.

I was already familiar with the Autoimmune Paleao diet, having tried it once before. Yet, it seems I’m going to have to try again. Here’s a chart found at this site that shows what the diet avoids:

Classically, some of those foods have been OK for me. Nuts, seeds, eggs, and some beans have usually been fine and not given me any symptoms. At least any physical symptoms that I could notice. Yet with my antibodies so high I’m obviously still reacting to things.

So perhaps it’s time to get ultra serious and really stick to AIP. I foresee having juices and pea-protein shakes (even though peas are AIP discouraged it’ll be the safest option for me & my history) to try & keep calories up to accommodate breastfeeding. It’s also a really good thing that avocado is okay, because I forsee it being my only real access to fats beyond meat. I’m so sick of being such an excessive meat eater right now that avocado sounds wonderful. How many ways can you eat avocados? Not sure right now, but I know I’ll find out. Perhaps I should just get several plants, because I’ll otherwise spend a small fortune buying them in fresh produce. Hmm. The possibilities.

I suppose for having gotten “bad lab results” I’m in a decent mood. That’s a good thing. It’ll help when I get around to figuring out what the hell I can eat. & on that note, I wish for all of you readers to enjoy what you eat and still have optimum health.

Attempting to find words for my awe

Last night I had a beautiful experience. I chose to believe it was divine influence on this illusion that I’m living,  because it feels  extremely good to believe that. That is what I’m reaching for through the law of attraction, correct?  The amazing feel good,  joy bringing positive emotions, to encourage positive attraction (be it divinely caused or simply quantum physics in action).

Now logically,  what I’m about to describe on the surface seems ubsurd. Taken one step further,  science has some explanations of what might be going on. 

 Quantum physics talks about the observer and the observed. As a scientific approach it acknowledges that for some reason,  the topic or object at hand can’t be fully understood unless the viewpoint of the observer is addressed. There are actually lab studies that show bi-location of matter,  until an observer causes that particle to singularly locate. (See documentary:  What the Bleep Do We Know). It’s  akin to the old adage, if a tree falls and there’s no-one there to hear it, does it make a sound. I’ve taken part in discussions where Schroedinger’s cat was being referenced in this line of logic as an example. So my experience last night could simply be because I’m the observer looking for evidence of life being an illusion and looking for positive feelings,  and the 2 combined influenced my experience.

Behind door number 2: is the scientific theory of matrixing. Essentially your brain takes 2 or more elements (sights, smells, sounds,  etc.) And blends them together because the complexity being experienced is too much data.  The matrixing or blending of the data allows your brain to manage the data more easily,  but can influence how the data is interpreted by your brain and thus the reaction you have to the experience. So my experience last night could have been caused by matrixing,  and then because of what I have been thinking about previously my reaction was intensified.

So, logically it’s all in my head and nothing out  of the ordinary actually happened. I overreacted and that’s just life…..

But that view feels like (pardon my curse) -shit.

So, my chosen feel good interpretation is that my experience was the way that the divine chose to communicate with me.

So, WTF am I talking about? 

Last night was a beautiful, awe inspiring,  end to a fairly glorious day.

On my way home,  to the North and East a storm was brewing.  To the West the sky was completely clear and stars were shining and the quarter moon was visible. I had turned on music as I got in the car,  and though I was in a good mood,  I was a bit fatigued from my long day. So, I opted to put on the EDM Pandora station for some upbeat grooving to get me through the long drive home.

I was enjoying the music when I rounded the curve putting me in direct line of sight of the storm brewing.  At first I could barely see the lightning it was so far North and near the  horizon.  As I broke the most intense parts of the metro the beauty of the storm smacked me in the face.

I saw lightening all over the sky.  Intense little bursts of beautiful white light. I was watching the lightning as a new song started,  one I knew and liked.  As I began bouncing to the music,  I realized that the lightening was keeping time with the music.  The rhythm of the lightning matched the music so closely I immediately thought of the Windows Media Player graphics equalizers that pulsed with the rhythm of music.  It also brought to mind the lights that are used to convey music to the deaf. There were sections of the sky that followed the bass, sections that followed the high-hat/cymbals, and sections that followed the mellody.

Being that I am so into music to begin with,  I was just utterly astonished.  At points I stopped to just watch the lightening play with the music. I drove home with more attention on  the lightning than the road,  but without even drifting in my lane.

When I finally got home, I called Nathan and Anya over to the car and cranked the volume up. I said “Look at the sky & listen  to the music!”

After a few moments they both said “that’s cool”.  Nathan followed it up with “I think that’s for you honey.” I cried tears of joy the emotions were so intense. 

I thought about an image I drew in highschool where I bridged drawings of plants and animals with lightning bolts. Back  then I was trying to convey a personal belief in an energy that permeates everything and connects everything.

I realized that was the message I needed to validate.  My beliefs are accurate for  me and the divine is validating me and supporting me. I stood and watched until I was so tired I began to lose my balance.

I literally drifted off to sleep listening to mantras with a perma-grin on my face repeating “I love you Gods: Lord Shiva, Ganesh, Kali Ma and Brighid, thank you!”

I know some of my friends would be turned off by my particular religious interpretation.  Some would say the logical explanations are accurate regardless of my emotional feelings on the subject.

 But regardless,  I  feel the need to point out:  what does it matter?  If I was that kind of happy,  and no-one got hurt, what does it matter that I choose to believe the divine was “talking” to me? It’s my perspective on this big crazy chaotic world we live in,  and if it helps me get through,  then that’s what matters. 

Don’t let yourself be Dr. Zhivago’ed

Okay, so I’m back on the upswing. I’m getting a lot better at un-burying myself more quickly these days. It helps that I can now see the ‘diet, sleep, exercise’ trifecta of instant punishment, or instant relief. It’s amazing how bad choices affect my mood first, but as I pull out, I notice the other things like the mild vertigo and loss of balance caused by the brain inflammation. It also seems like making the good choices is having a quicker effect these days at fixing the inflammation and bringing myself back into alignment- that’s a way good thing.

Anyway, in an attempt to ramble less this post (so I can get to sleep soon), one of the benefits I am now seeing is a better world view. I now have a sense that “reality” is a giant illusion, that I am indeed in the Matrix. I’m starting to get messages clearer. After the last blog post, I had someone offer suggestions for queries leading to some direction with the home construction situation. I’ll update when that fully pans out, but the important part is that it was a more direct, and easily understood result of my request for clarity and direction- I’m starting to get clear responses from my illusion. The other response that I got had to do with how I respond to certain situations. Essentially, a good friend that doesn’t seem to really believe in anything (she’s very scientific and matter-of-fact) had a conversation with me that helped me see some alternate views and ways to respond to mundane family situations. That combined with Abraham’s daily email quote (below) made it clear that I really have to work hard at choosing not just my foods, sleep, and exercise, but also every thought at ALL times.

If you are ending up where you want to be, what difference does it make whether you went fast or slow? Or what difference does it make whether it was painful before it got really good? Isn’t that the point of free will? You get to choose.

Excerpted from San Francisco, CA – Saturday, July 30th, 2005

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Essentially, I’m working on getting an answer to the statement about not understanding what Nathan meant when he said “things are different because I’m in love twice over, and I have to find a new way of doing things”. I’m literally getting into the nitty gritty of picking apart my brain’s automatic responses and replacing them with different, hopefully better, choices. After my conversation with my friend, I literally got super sleepy and concluded that my brain was literally building new brain cells with this new information and plan of action.

Today I felt refreshed enough to get some major cleaning and reorganizing done in our temporary home. I felt good to have not just a mental shift, but also a physical reflection of that shift. A constructive conversation with the family also helped to feel like I was being heard for the first time in a while. I literally feel things starting to shift and the request (also from the last blog) for a physical manifestation of that progress came in today’s conversation and cleaning house.

So, where does Dr. Z come in? At work one of my residents was watching Dr. Zhivago when I went into her apartment. She left it running during the massage. I’d seen the movie a few times, as my mother loved it, but this day I only got to see about a 30 minute section.

It was the section between Yuri (Omar Sharif) and Lara (Julie Christie) making love, and the fast forward where Yuri dies of a heart attack as he’s trying to chase a woman he thinks is Lara, and we see that their daughter is being filled in on the tale of events. Essentially, that section is about putting safety for loved ones and societal constructs (belief in sin, political convictions, etc.) above your own desires. Yuri literally watches his love leave to never see her again. He doesn’t know that, he just knows he loves her enough to put her safety first, but because of his own political convictions, he can’t bear to leave on the train with a man he despises. So he sends them on their way and runs to watch them from a 2nd floor window. He never knew he had a daughter and never got to see Lara again, working the rest of his days in a deadened state, which the one officer described as like having a heart of ice.

As I sit giving a massage and occasionally watching this movie play out, I can’t help but think of my life and my choices, and people I’ve met and loved. I then realize how many things go into making us who we are,  into building our brains and guiding our decisions. How many choices seem to be so clear cut, when perhaps they aren’t. How many things I’ve done because it is “what we’re supposed to do”. Then, I sat there thinking about my previous comments about how loving Nathan has seemed like it screwed me. I had to admit, even with the financial woes of our 14 years together, I don’t think I would go back and change anything. We have had some really amazing moments together. I have had many good experiences with Nathan that probably would not have even happened if I’d not have been with him. I have learned so much about the world and especially about myself because of my relationship with Nathan. So yes, even though it’s been a bumpy ride that I was well warned against, I am- to this day- glad that I put love first and followed my heart. It has been worth every ounce of heartache for all of the bountiful goodness that loving him has brought me. I know so much more about myself now and I’m literally healing myself in many ways because of his help and encouragement over the years. I am so grateful that love helped us stick together through thick and thin and enabled such wonderful growth and development for both of us.

I then thought about my online love. How I would have never thought that even remotely possible if it hadn’t been for Nathan. How he has the potential to bring equally as much love and personal growth and wonderful experiences. How we would both be challenged and yet both be receiving such wonderful blessings of a loving relationship. Then I thought about how Yuri couldn’t bring himself to overcome his ideas of sin and his strong political views to follow Lara to safety. I have to say that it made me very sad and made me wonder if my friend will succumb to similar (yet in many ways very different) pressures. All I could think is that there are a myriad of ways to work things out in Polyamory, and I really hoped that he could see even a few of those ways and give love a chance.

BUT, then I cycle back to “it’s all an illusion”, this is just one of many possibilities. One of many ways that people interact with their world, their illusions. I’ve already been shown the good results of my new love, I’ve already seen the beautiful wonderful blessings that the relationship could bring. I still wouldn’t call myself a psychic- I would be the worst at trying to give other people any useful information, but every great once in a while I get mental images and mental “video clips” that are so vivid that I can’t help but know that there is truth in them. And this new relationship has already had that.

Prior to this situation, the last time I got these images was the birth of Ian. My midwives just kept telling me visualize the birth you want to have. Every time I went to visualize the birth, I knew all was well and going smoothly, but I could never see baby at the moment of birth. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t imagine seeing baby, but I always had a sense that baby was fine. Then when I actually gave birth, Ian came out facing backward, I had so much low back pain because of it that I spent my time leaning forward. The final moment of birth, Ian came out behind me and the midwife unwrapped the cord from around him, and then passed him forward to me in the water (I had a beautiful full water birth like I’d always wanted). The cord was wrapped, but loosely so no serious risk, and my midwife was so amazing she handled it perfectly. But it meant that my visualization was 100% accurate, the midwife and Nathan saw baby before I did.

Now I have a series of new visions just like that. They are so vivid, feel so wonderful, that I can’t help but believe they are the same thing. So, Dr. Z or not, I believe that all of us will overcome our limiting beliefs and the end result will be a very happy, prosperous, poly family, with love overflowing between us all. I choose to hold onto that, and utilize Dr. Z as a tool to reinforce the need to stay focused and do my mental homework. I will rewrite my brain to better days, and I am appreciative for Nathan’s support along the way, and I look forward to the day I have 2 loves by my side. Love can and will prevail, regardless of mental conditioning of any kind. Blessed Be.

This week’s lessons…

So, I’m totally going to blame the emotional nose dive on my hormones. It rained all of the days this week. and I got my usually workouts in, and mostly I ate well, with few minimal slips.

I did herbally self-medicate this weekend to deal with the worst of my anxiety and negative mood, and though I know that is less desirable than being fine, it’s also a bit better (in my opinion) than being the monster that my dysfunctional brain is capable of. It’s literally my break-in-case-of-emergency to-keep-from-rampaging fix. It worked, and now I’m on the upswing again.

My work-week is starting okay, the messages and love are flowing again, and I’m feeling okay.

Post-self-medicating last night, and before falling asleep, an email notified me one of the blogs I follow had posted again. The blog has multiple authors and occasionally inundates me with email notifications, but last night one caught my eye and I started reading before falling asleep. It really, really resonated…. read here if you like. I have to say that everything that he wrote about had crossed my mind at some point. I did resonate with “The Matrix” and I have tried to wrap my brain around “There is no Spoon” a thousand times.

I don’t know if it was Fillipe’s perspective, or the state that I was in after my weekend, and so close to drifting off to sleep, or if it’s just starting to click. I simply don’t know, but it somehow is.

So, this morning on the way to work, it hit me this week has been full of epiphanies. I texted my husband: “Do EVERYTHING: with love for the divine, as if there is no spoon, and as if we’re moving into Atira with (him [and his wife]) in September…. my lesson for the week. We still have to eat, sleep, and function, but would certain things become more priority if that was the perspective. & would likewise other things fall away being less important. Like I’d be planning for a giant fire!”

Realizing I tried to cram a huge concept into a small text, I thought I better expand on it for myself and my husband.

1st My Do EEVERYTHING statement:

Literally everything gets some love put into it:

For instance I found myself saying to myself this morning that I am getting up and going to work because I love my family enough to support them. I really picked my outfit (something I do a lot anyway) because I wanted to love myself by looking cute- I really do enjoy when I look good, especially when I look good enough that others notice and compliment me. I drove to work knowing that my miles may be many, but it takes me to residents I’ve worked with for several years and whom have come to look forward to my visits and really appreciate what I do for them. Acknowledging that, I then gave myself love for wanting to help others enough that, it shows in my interactions enough that, they do want me to keep coming back. I then sent that love to the residents because I appreciate that they appreciate me. A little love makes the day go much better- it even helped when the few crazy moments happened.

During my 1st session, the resident had on Rachael Ray and she was interviewing Craig Ferguson. He made a comment in regards to the query of the worst job he’s ever had; about how even when he’s interviewing someone he doesn’t particularly want to, he just reminds himself “it’s not as bad as delivering milk in the snow in December”. That’s the funny way of looking at the fact that there’s always something that you could be doing that is worse. I HEARD THE MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR. Because he’s right (both Craig and God) there is always something I could be doing that’s worse. I immediately remembered my days driving for First Student- by far my worst job ever. It made me appreciate today that much more. Today was easy compared to a day on a school bus, especially when roads are bad due to weather. The love flowed just a bit more.

Then there’s: as if “There is no Spoon”.

This is just one big illusion cooked up by our brains, set in place with preconceived notions and patterns of expectations. I usually expect my days to be boring, but today I was startled by a resident suddenly taking a leak in front of me, and followed by another resident wishing me luck as her version of “have a good afternoon”.  Neither of which I would normally expect to happen, but I was so busy thinking about other things they both caught me off guard and I thought to myself should I be running for the bathroom, or buying a lottery ticket, or both!

Acknowledging the illusion then seems to open doors for messages every time I allow it. Between Craig’s statement and and a billboard I saw with bright orange and a boy wearing a green shirt (a reference for me to flag colors), and several other smaller things. I knew the messages were flowing. The billboard was so obvious for me that I actually laughed and said “well played, good one”, which I then got the tingles down my spine that tells me I was heard. I still don’t quite think I’m getting all the messages, but I think I’m starting to get enough of the messages that “they” are attempting to send more and more.  I feel like I am inundated with messages, and I’m just not comprehending all of them yet.

So my side of “There is no spoon” is thinking about all of the things that I’d rather be seeing. I’ve started, but not yet completed the next installment blog post of Atira to expound on that.

For now I’ll just give an example. I got upset again about dishes piled up this weekend, after a few minutes of fuming, I flipped my thoughts to “Why am I mad, what do I want to see?” Ultimately I want to have a really good dishwasher so that no one has to invest any significant time into  doing dishes. I want running water so that the dishwasher functions, and I can easily wash hands, take showers, have a bath, and do laundry- all things that have been not only time consuming and difficult this year, but have been mentally taxing because of all the thought that goes into completing them without running water systems. I then started thinking of related topics and how many things would be easier or simpler, definitely less time consuming if we had all the modern amenities. I realized that really my anger and frustration is a lack of acknowledging the appreciation I have for the other side of things.

So I’ve been working very hard on focusing on the appreciation for the other things and letting the anger and frustration go. I simply think about the opposite, what is the opposite, why do I like the opposite, what would be benefited by having, using, and/or doing the opposite, what ripple effect would that possibly have in my life. Then I acknowledge to the divine that yes I do want that, and no- I have no idea how to get there, and please help me to bring that back into my life, I will honor you for your help in my life by helping others do the same.

So far, it’s only really alleviated my mental state, but it seems like the messages I’m getting imply that: I’m being heard and help is on it’s way. I’m still holding onto that energetic Hug that I got on Thursday. I really hope that help is the BIG multi-purpose, multi-functional help I’ve been asking for. I have such big dreams, I’d love to see them come true.

And that leads me to my final: Do EVERYTHING as if you’re moving in September.

I don’t have the resources to do even a tiny fraction of what I’ve dreamt, at least right now. So, thinking about moving tomorrow or next week is unbelievable. However, I’m getting messages, I know someone (I believe the divine) is hearing me, and the messages have implied good things headed my way- even implied by the end of the year. So, thinking about receiving a miracle that enables big and good changes by the end of the year is much more believable.

That is faith.

I’m having and holding faith that help is on the way, and that my dreams are much more within reach than my brain previously believed. I am allowing my previously held constructs to fall away to enable lots of new things in my life. Or at least as much as I’m able to at this point in time- baby steps. Sometimes it’s easy, like when I saw the billboard and laughed. Sometimes it’s hard, I have to work on convincing myself: like when I used my healed burn to reinforce that my body can and is actively working on healing other more major things such as my thyroid issues.

One of the ways I am doing that is by evaluating activities based on my desires. I think, if I had the resources to start Atira by the end of the year, how would this activity be handled. Sometimes the answer is the same because that is then, and I’m in the now. Dishes and laundry are a good example of that. I need them now, so I have to function in the construct already in place. In which case I take a moment to think of how it will be eventually- the what I want appreciation conversation.

However, things like finishing off the trash pile, and working on the remodel are now under new light. If the resources are manifested miraculously, then both would have drastically different outcomes. I’d pay for a roll-away and a couple of young men to do the work on the trash pile, and if the trailer did get finished (to be one of the tiny homes in Atira), I’d pay someone else to do the work. So then, I have to sit back and evaluate each and every thing that is on my GIANT To Do list and see if things need re-arranged, taken off, or re-thought as far as how to accomplish them. It doesn’t mean I’m just going to quit. It means rather that I’m attempting to work smarter not harder and do things in the most logical way assuming that my dreams are indeed on their way to reality.

At this point it’s all I’ve got. Faith and myself. Make the best of it, right?

Finally, the fire comment is more about a practical issue.

We’ve been battling the bed bugs again. Apparently despite spending thousands of dollars over the last 3.5 years fighting them, some have survived. We thought we were meticulous in treating things that were moved, especially if we didn’t put them into storage. Yet, we still have the damn bugs back. I hate them, detest them. I’ve sprayed gallons of toxic chemicals trying to kill them, done loads and loads of laundry for the same purpose. Yet, they persist.

So, in acknowledgement that I simply can’t win that war, I now know the only way to win and truly kill the bugs is to burn every soft good and even some of the hard goods that we own. If I try to donate any of it, I risk giving that horrible infestation to someone else- something I can’t bring myself to do. I normally would abhor such blatant wastefulness, but the damn bed bugs are insidious. I have sprayed every crack and crevasse hundreds of times, we’ve treated and washed and dried every soft thing we own dozens of times. And “They’re Back!” Like the evil spirits from “Poltergeist”. Thus like felling the house in “Poltergeist” I perceive that to be the only way to ensure neither us, nor anyone else, ever has to deal with our batch of bed bugs again. Curse that damn apartment complex for sharing them with us!

SO, that is how I’m proceeding: giving LOVE, SEEING the ILLUSION, having FAITH, and planning for A GREAT FIRE and MOVE.

Wish me luck and send your prayers that all works out in the end.