Tag Archives: miracles

DesperateMEasures

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I’m sitting in the garden to write this. I struggle today. Again I thought all was well, going great in fact. Yet, today all my triggers hit me. In about 24 hours, I’ve been overwhelmed by money, time, desires vs reality, food (and my lack of ability to stay strict indefinitely), and a strong feeling that I’m not good enough to do what I want and need to do, not to mention that my family needs more from me than I can give and they seem to only care about me when they want something. My messages seem to fall on deaf ears.

Nathan says it’s all in my mind. He says he knows I’m struggling, and that it’s probably from my lapses in diet and sleep. I just don’t seem to know anymore.

Regardless I have done everything I could think of to pull out. Supplements, Thyroid med, good healthy food, gardening, even trying to spend time with Ian (though he didn’t seem to care, maybe that’s just his age talking). I’m basically shut down emotionally, and struggling to open back up. When I am in a work day I do fine, great in fact. Yet, my home days are as hard as ever to stay buoyant. Today I broke down twice, and I have resorted to my break in case of emergency herb, to keep from doing anything drastic. Right now I’m just at my wits end.

So, desperate measures, for me, myself, and I. I’m writing. Maybe if I get the feelings out, and follow it with something positive I can pull my brain out of this suck-tastic nose-dive of depression.


I feel: tired, sad, unsupported, unsafe, like I have no direction…. Like what I had intended to do, what I want to do, is yet again blowing up in my face, and no matter what I try I just can’t win. There are no good options, and the money flow is never great enough to catch up and make progress. Every time I get “enough” money it turns out to not really be enough because we’re always so far behind the 8 ball that it goes far to fast trying to overcompensate for the vacuum of things we need. I’m overwhelmed. I’m feeling like I don’t know whether to believe the messages or not- I’ve done the visualizing, I’m doing my best to have faith, yet I’m in this state again, with no tangible evidence that anything is actually improving.

Nathan pointed out that things are different because I’m in love twice over, that I have to find a new way of doing things. Damned if I know what that is, and “love isn’t a potato”- a  meal on the table or a safe, clean, comfortable home. Bonus I can’t get my daughter to do her chores, I can’t get the shipping container guy to get back to me with price quotes, and we’re burning through our savings trying to accomplish the little goals of life.

Nathan swears that he’ll do this or that, and I see some progress, but again it’s like the financial void, the hole was so deep I wonder if he’ll ever actually catch up and climb out.

I’m stressed, and I feel like I’m begging for a vacation I’ll never get. The summer is already well underway and I have no idea what to do with construction because I could dump another 5 grand just getting the rotten wood under control and new siding and not even touch the insides for another year. So I’m sitting- stalling, hoping the shipping containers would be a viable replacement and cheaper solution, if only he’d send me the damn info. Lost, forgotten, or like I’m the brunt of a cosmic sadistic joke. Like what if I’ve done all of these prayers, all of the visualizations, and God just wants me to continue to sit here poor as dirt, with no water and everything 5 times harder than normal people get. It’d all be for naught. I just don’t know. Feeling disconnected, like all my planning was worthless, but why I just don’t know. I lack clarity, understanding, none of the messages make sense to me right now. I think I know what they are trying to tell me, but how can it be true when I’m stuck in this never ending “Pete and Repeat” cycle. Having trouble trusting my intuition, and feeling like trusting could potentially screw me even worse.

Yep, that about sums it up. I may have missed a couple of feelings, but you get the idea.


Now for what I want…. I just looked up to see a female cardinal sitting on the bean trellis post. Then suddenly 2 male cardinals danced between the garden and trees, one landed on the bird feeder, and one in the tree. Maybe they’re here to tell me I’m headed in the right direction. I certainly hope so….

What I want:

Clarity, Understanding, Evidence, Validation. – I just need a nugget or two to help me stay buoyant. Something to drop out of the heavens and show me for real that there’s someone listening. Something that helps me to know what physical action to take. [Ms. Becky my massage therapist that I trade with tells me that when you feel this confused it is a good time to do nothing. But, if I continue to do nothing I feel like the savings of my tax return and what little else we saved will just continue to dwindle away a little at a time every time an ’emergency’ comes up.— Sorry that’s more of what I feel— focus Treasa.]

What is the next step? What actions do I need to be doing right now? Some divine messages on that, which could be completely clear and blatant in their meaning, would be awesome. Even if I’m waiting on divine intervention, there has to be some level of action steps I can be taking. Something to encourage the process. Right?

So lets shift, focus to those dreams of mine for a moment. This is actually an Abraham-Hicks exercise turned blog post. Lets assume (even though that idea just made me cringe-assumptions can sometimes cause problems) that the divine is about to intercept my dreams with some kind of huge miracle intervention. I do believe there is a god (and goddess), I do believe that some people get those big wonderful miracles, and I do believe that someone, something, or several of each has been listening to me and providing responses (regardless of my ability to interpret). So, if that’s the case my miracle is already on it’s way and I literally just have to hang on (for how long?).

So, acknowledge the message I got last week about letting go so the divine can do it’s work. Essentially, like a 2 year old nagging a parent for something and creating trouble before the parent can provide it, or an old man with dementia nagging the staff about another resident so they can’t actually go deal with the other resident [I had both in the same day]; I need to stop nagging about my woes and what I want, and find some peace and calm so the divine can do it’s job. Supposedly, the way to do that is assume the answer is being prepped and on it’s way, and then just amuse yourself until it manifests. (Ian sit and watch your shows and I’ll get you _____.) Abraham Hicks (via email) suggested spending time visualizing, expressing gratitude, and expressing appreciation.

 

Ok, So I’ve asked for:

Enough money to: not just rescue us, but all our friends and many homeless people- Atira Community. That’s a butt load of money. We’re talking Powerball when it’s hundreds of millions. That would be really nice. I have slowly built up quite the list of people I want to invite to help build Atira (literally give them jobs and homes). Most of them know they are on the list, but I wonder how many believe it is a possibility.

My family’s home as the centerpiece: 3 story Monolithic Dome home with crows nest on top- essentially a small patio on the top of the home. The home would be partially buried like a hobbit dome.

The 3rd floor room (because domes are curved, the usable space would essentially be one big room like a living room) would be the adulting room- no kids allowed. 2nd floor smaller bedrooms for everyone. I really believe that people should have their own room for autonomy, someplace that they can feel at ease and always have their chosen activities available, and it would also create an ability to escape when family life proves too challenging.

I envision that my room would have a small bed, massage table, drawing desk, and standard desk (for computer or painting palate), music corner, and easel. If organized well, I could fit all of that into a standard sized bedroom (10x10ish or variation- domes aren’t square).

In polyamory many families still share a room, and exchange places as desired. That’s why I have always wanted that 3rd floor adulting room. I would totally sacrifice the high ceilings usually offered by dome living, to accomodate 1 shared bedroom for intimacy without sacrificing my alone time and my alone space. [I often wonder if my lack of alone space is why I end up having days like today even when I think things are going great.] Thus, it becomes a priority, I now acknowledge that I like having loving intimacy, but at the same time, I need my retreat, someplace I can go to shut the world out for a bit, even if that means overnight as well.

Beyond that I’d like to see the family dome accommodate several bathrooms- multiple adults and gaggles of kids will necessitate that. It’s like having your extended family around 365 days a year. Most homes are not equipped for that many people all the time, so I want to make sure mine is, kitchen and living room included. Everything would need to be supersized and super organized and efficient to accommodate that. I do plan on inviting grandparents to Atira, but I will offer the choice of being in the family dome or in their own little home (I suspect all the GP’s will choose the latter).

Ideally my home will have a hot-tub as it has proven time and time again as valuable self-care for me. It keeps me going. I’d love to have a pool, but I’m ok with the pool being one of the last things we do after getting the rest of Atira built. The mission of Atira is more important than my desire to swim in my backyard. I will have pretty gardens though as all of Atira will have beautiful lush gardens.

The family dome would need to be smart technologically if for no other reason than to help us communicate and stay on the same page. We’ll have to have a home network and shared calendars and shopping list app. I also envision having roombas and the things that help keep showers and toilets clean. Dishwasher, and a great laundry room with a 2nd floor laundry shoot or dumbwaiter. It may seem stupid to go into that kind of detail, but existing for a decade without them, all while knowing those things would save lots of time and heartache, I can’t help but include them in the description of what I want.  All would be run by wind, solar, well water, and septic system. The point of our house would be to help create an easy to maintain environment that is energy efficient and kind on the environment, yet can accommodate a dozen or more people (depending on several factors that number might need adjusted).

Nathan wants a home theater (I’m not attached, and it may fall like the pool-after everything else). And there might be other accommodations based upon other family members preferences. These are merely the things I have contemplated over the years being poly-amorous and wanting to build this home and community.

I want calm, serene, organized, plenty of very adjustable and customize-able storage places, colorful (the whole rainbow in a very designer kind of way), modern, clean lines, shiny, new, good functioning, easy to maintain, comfortable, cozy, unique, with cat-walks and other pet friendly amenities (dog/cat doors, and pet-run outside). I like tile floors for durability and ease of maintenance, but woods floors are ok too. Area rugs for bedsides and bathrooms.

& the people in my life: I want good communication, cooperation, sharing-both in chores/duties and fun, caring, listening, helpfulness, affection, efficiency, openness, trusting, truthfulness, honesty, more tact (though I’m probably the one that needs the most work there), good discussions, intelligent choices, thoughtfulness. Balanced interactions, and able to work through conflicts when they arise (no family escapes conflict, and the more people in the family the more likely it is).  Everyone responsible for themselves (or their babies)- even older kids should learn to be responsible for their own rooms, belongings, and laundry. I imagine that family meals will function like co-operative houses, where main meals are planned and prepped cooperatively, and people take turns being in charge of that (the E-calendars will help with that).

“Can’t we all just get along?” I know these things are possible. I’ve seen poly families that figured it out for the most part. I just hope that my life can manifest it.

I can’t guarantee that I would suddenly have no more bad days with all of these things in my life, but I like to hope so. These things would essentially eliminate all of the things that are currently bugging me and bringing me down, eliminate all my triggers. If you solve all of the problems, it provides relief. It doesn’t mean there wont then be other problems to figure out later. There likely would end up being something else, probably several other somethings, but then again there would be more brains to brainstorm possible solutions, and more resources to throw at the solutions. So, even though “problems” are inevitable, the external factors of finances, understanding, and action would all be easier. That’s why I not only believe in polyamory, I love polyamory. More love also equals more support in every way. It helps with that love not being a potato thing: not so much in making love into a potato; but in that your multiple loves can help you find more potatoes, and then help cook those potatoes up into a scrumptious meal, and help serve that meal up to everyone present. Caring is sharing and sharing is caring. Loving more can literally create more abundance for everyone involved. I’ve seen it work for others and I look forward to it working in my life. I welcome my future poly-extended-family.



So, now I’ve given yet another glimpse of Atira. A more personal view of Atira. If the universe were only to give me enough of the money to buy land and build my home, I would still proceed with building Atira, it would just take longer. That being said the home is the most important for me, because that is the foundation, the root of why Atira is so important. My adult life has been full of challenges, which created an abundance of desires, and those desires are what created the idea of Atira Community as a whole. Just getting the house would essentially be the start of more hard work to make all of Atira an eventual reality. Once the root grows eventually there will be a beautiful plant overshadowing those original roots. Atira will be the same way. I could turn land and a house into the whole concept, it might just take me a couple of more decades to do so. Lets hope though that my miracle bypasses the decades. The sooner I accomplish the construction, the faster I can help lots of people.


Ok, so this ended up being a really long blog post. Apologies on that, but it has helped. I feel like I finally got some of the negatives out of me. (There’s a few still trying to fester.) And because I was intent on organizing my thoughts of what I want into a somewhat coherent readable blog, I really did focus well on the good things. I feel like I managed to shift my vibration a bit. There’s probably still some dietary remnants causing problems (why I didn’t completely shift), but at least the mental side, the basics were covered. I’m not as far down, I’ve stabilized. I foresee more salmon and supplements in my near future to get the rest. But at least I’m headed back up- mostly.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Thank you for giving my thoughts some time. Thank you for your kindness, and prayers are always welcome in whatever way you prefer. I really do appreciate that people from all over the world are reading my writings and giving energy to what I’m attempting to do. Even if people don’t necessarily agree with everything that I believe, I’m certain there are few that would belittle my dreams of helping others. I think most everyone would be on board with helping our society grow and showing caring to those that need it, and any positive thoughts or energy in that direction is only helpful. I hope that one day I will get to write many blog posts about that process unfolding and get to show what good things can be done with a lot of hard work and some divine intervention.

I am appreciative of my loving caring husband Nathan, he really does do a lot for me and tries very hard to support me in many ways. I am appreciative of my kind and supportive friends. I am appreciative of all of the kind words that have been expressed to me this year. I am very appreciative of being in love twice over- that is such an amazing wonderful feeling- I like to sit with the feeling when I’m in a good place, it amplifies everything wonderful. I am appreciative of the small miracles in my life- may the messages keep flowing and may I eventually understand them all. I am appreciative that there are spirits keeping watch over me, be they dearly departed or angels or both….  I am appreciative that people find my words worthwhile and that there may be many that find solace in my journey- may my words continue to help others. I am appreciative that I continue to win the battle and wake every day with 2 functioning hard working hands- able to keep helping myself, my family, and my clients. I am appreciative that I am intelligent and determined and that I have an amazing ability to endure- I am strong in every sense of the word. I am appreciative that my loving husband sees these things even when I’m low and does his best to help me in every way he can. I’m appreciative for my loving children and furry friends. I’m appreciative of this beautiful garden I sit in to write. I am very, very appreciative that I’ve raised my vibration out of desperation. Here’s to being able to give back- CHEERS!

Small miracle?

Ok, so I really want to write that 4th installment of Atira. However, I’m really struggling today. Just when I thought I had cleared the other side, I fall back down.  I want to play ostrich right now. No, I want to sing pretty songs, I want to feel good, but truly I feel like crap.

Yesterday is when it really started to hit. I have yet to figure out why because I’ve been good on diet, supplements, and exercise (at least until I was already struggling last night- then I had typical emotional eating food). The only thing missing is sunlight- is that really the cause. Of course, it could be a hormone swing- being a woman and all I can’t avoid that stupid cycle every month. I’ve begun to wonder though, if what Americans consider a normal part of the female cycle, is really normal or not. I was doing great, now I’m not. *Perplexed*

Anyway, I’m having trouble focusing on anything positive, and I feel like I want to cry.

Yesterday when it hit, I was about to head to the Y, and had run into Whole Foods for some coconut water to help with leg cramps. I took a moment before leaving the parking lot to speak to the divine. I literally said “I know I’m supposed to be having patience right now, but at this moment I just really wish that he(online man) was here so that I could just get a hug and have someone tell me that everything was going to be OK. I just really need a hug right now.”

I sighed and drove away headed to the Y for my workout.

That was the Whole foods at 119th and Metcalf. By the time I got to 95th and Metcalf, a silver car puled up next to me at the stop light. I looked over and saw the word HUG on the license plate. The full plate read 986 HUG. I started bawling and repeated “Thank You” over and over again.

Today I find myself trying to cling to that energetic hug, still wishing for the real thing. I’ve struggled through the morning with nothing to show for it. My work day is not going as planned, thus sitting here writing. I’m going to try again in a few, but my hopes are not “UP” today. I find that my brain wants to think only of the negatives, the mess at home, the problems I face, the communication problems with family, and the fact that I simply feel very very overwhelmed and at a loss for solutions.

I told the divine months ago that I had no answers and needed help in a big miraculous multi-purpose multi-solution sort of way, and I am doing my best to be patient, but today’s emotional ball of wax is just not helping. I feel like I just need a nugget, even if the whole miracle is still in bound, I just need a little taste of relief. Just something to take the edge off. Please.

And with that, I’ll go try again (even though I’d really like to crawl back in bed- which is a 90min drive from me right now). *FROWN* …. Finding the love: must find the love.

 

Image courtesy of:

https://yalenusblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/07/overthinking-hugs/

How are hands God- a segue on my beliefs.

So that’s me, last Saturday, having a good time playing disc golf with Nathan and a couple of friends of ours. It was unseasonably warm, and despite not having enough sleep, and still not having nailed the dosage of NDT, actually enjoying myself for a little while. These days, it seems a rare occurrence for me- not by choice, but because of brain/body chemistry and life experiences making it very difficult to find some happy.

Nathan has made me quotable on many occasions, but the one that speaks to this most is: “I feel like I’m 33 levels (my age) into a 100 level game (most people don’t live past that age). I have no idea what I’m doing, what the point of the game is, and I’m loosing, except that I seem to have an infinite number of ‘lives’ just to prolong the torture, because I want nothing more than for the game to be over.”

I was born into a blended faith family. Mom was Catholic, Dad was Mormon. By the time I was a freshman in High School I knew neither was for me. Ridiculous rules, boring services, and things that I just couldn’t fathom intelligent people believing. At that point I’d been to a Methodist church, a Pentecostal church, a Quaker church, and Lutheran church. Baptists scared me too much to even bother, and the others didn’t seem different enough to investigate. I’d started reading Buddhist texts, and in school we were covering mythology, and honestly there were elements of both that resonated with me, and the rest wasn’t any worse than the christian options. I didn’t really label myself though.

By sophomore year I’d made new friends (we’d moved into that school the year before) and one of them claimed she was pagan- a witch. I asked her how she came to that decision, and she said she’d been reading books and found one she felt fit. I said cool- can I read some of them. I just wanted to see what it was about. I got into the 3rd book, and there were many elements that started to feel right. It was a woman discussing a her journey and how pieces of religions felt right, but the whole of any didn’t. She started discussing Wicca and it’s history, and how it was pieced together by its founders based on just that premise. Putting the right pieces together to make a religious puzzle fit the practitioner. That really resonated.

After much reading and a couple years contemplation, I decided I was what was termed an eclectic-solitary-pagan. Simply, my beliefs tend toward the pagan spectrum because I don’t agree with the Singular-God-Head, and I eclectically pull from several religions to make my solitary puzzle fit.

That worked for years. Worked- being the operative word. It doesn’t really anymore.

Here’s why.

I’ve seen and met others that have had miracles in their lives. So those must exist right- and some deity must be responsible for miracles- right?! There are stories all over the globe in many different religions with many different deity structures- of Miracles- yet I’ve never experienced one. And OH, I’ve asked, and begged, and pleaded, and prayed hundreds of thousands of times over.

I’ve done Magic a few times for sure, and a few others on a maybe level.

“Magic is the art and science of creating change in conformity with will.”

– Aleister Crowley

By that description of Magic, the Law of Attraction is Magic, and I know I’ve managed to attract myself a few things. Though, I seem to be great at attracting more of the same, like the time I replaced a dead van with a battered and beaten but running van- out of thin air. I’ve also done pagan style magic that worked, like the time I spun enough energy in High School to encourage a job offer for my Dad out of nowhere. He was so surprised when the company he thought was a flop called 2 days later to offer him a job with wages he couldn’t refuse. But, that is not how everything works.

If so, why can’t I make bigger, more important changes in my life. Why haven’t I been able to break 30 grand a year despite numerous attempts in 3 separate fields of work, 2 with educations behind them. Why haven’t I been able to manifest a beautiful home and nice cars- I’ve done numerous things to invite those into my life. Vision Boards, Prosperity Journals, Gratitude Journals, Meditations, Mojo Bags, Candle Magic, chanted with prayer beads, drumming circles, energy work, I’ve even painted and drawn pictures with my own hands of the things I would most definitely love to have. Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch, None.

Yet, I’ve had psychic experiences that tell me the spirit world is real. I know for certain that I have communicated with people/spirits/energies that were either deceased people I knew of, or were at least referencing those people. It’s hard not to believe that, when you have tingles flood your awareness driving home from an event, and you see your husband’s ex’s deceased farther clear as day in your mind’s eye. It was like a dude I barely knew jabbing me all over trying to get my attention, I knew it had to do with the Ex, but wasn’t sure what. A month later she told us she had cancer. She’s now deceased, and there’s been twice now I new she was trying to tell me something- what I have no idea. I just knew she was nagging me from the dead. How in the hell do you tell a dead person that you never liked them when they were alive, and please go the F- away?! Then there was Sarah-  I thought for certain that name belonged to my unborn baby, and she was trying to help me figure out the blood sugar-allergy puzzle when I was pregnant. Surprise- baby was a boy, I named him Ian. So who the hell was Sarah?

Yet, my life still -generally speaking- sucks. Meditations help, but only briefly. They simply bring enough calm to endure the miserable circumstances of daily life a  bit longer, and make it to another meditation. Without them though, I’m certain I’d have truly lost my battle with depression long ago.

So, despite knowing that there is a spirit side of our Universe, and knowing that Law of Attraction/Magic can help sometimes, I’m left with a sinking feeling that whatever is out there doesn’t really care about me. If he/she/it/they did care about me and my miserable existence, there would have been a miracle or several miracles at this point. You’d think that if I mattered I’d at least have my health and mental facilities restored. Heavens know I have prayed at least a million times for help, knowing that in those moments I was crazy and my brain wasn’t working right. Knowing that I was on the brink of loosing myself for good. In those moments I didn’t want a million dollars, a new home, or a shiny car. In those moments, I only wanted sanity, mental health, physical health. Do I have that yet? NO, not truly- what baby steps I have taken in that direction were all my efforts, all my research, all of my educated guessing, all my own actions.

So, at the end of the day, I don’t really know what that makes me, or what classification my beliefs currently fall under. All I know is that whatever divine is out there, most likely has written me off, and that the only good in my life literally has come from what my own two hands have done. So in my life- My Hands Are God.