Tag Archives: mirror

Role  models aren’t always perfect. 

I have really been seeing my son as a mirror lately.  He does so many things just like me. I find it amazing since I’m gone so much working in the metro.  Yet,  he has somehow managed to pick up nearly all of my mannerisms, and likes to do things mommy does.

I really appreciate this when it’s things like sweeping or cleaning, or when he goes to pick up a real drill fully intending to fix some obscure thing he’s noticed (which by the way my almost 3 year old knows how to handle a real drill safely). He loves watching Bob the Builder and comments on the lady builder being like me. I’ve seemed to help him feel the beat in music and he enjoys dancing (though he doesn’t like music loud like I do). He’s even taken to coloring now,  and especially loves it when we share coloring a picture.

I often cringe though. Usually when he swears, though we all laugh, because as friends pointed out he has  proper swearing ettiquet. He uses ALL the words correctly,  in proper context,  and doesn’t swear around people he doesn’t know. Yikes.

He also yells. Anya asked me why he was yelling at her yesterday.  I told her it’s because he’s learned well.  When I ask nicely I get no response,  but when I yell people do what I say. I said it’d have been easier on everyone if people just did things when I asked nicely, but no, now Ian has learned that it takes yelling too. So when he really wants something- right now,  he yells. Yikes.

He’s definitely a mirror,  for better or worse.  Yet I have to remind myself no-one is perfect.  I think I’m doing a bit better than my parents, definitely a work in progress,  but I  spend less time yelling & angry, and I reach for happy more.  I am more affectionate and cuddly. I do my best to make moments count and show my appreciation for my family where I can.

That being said,  even though I can see my parents negatives,  I still love them.  I see they did the best they could with the tools and knowledge they had. Even though they seem to be disappointed in me, I know they still love me somewhere in their hearts. I appreciate all they did do for me, and that they did do their best. That’s all anyone can really ask of their parents.

I know they must feel like they did something wrong to create the mess of me. I’m a bisexual pagan liberal socialist hippie that can’t stand conservatives and doesn’t go to church.  Yet, my ability and desire to help others, take care of others,  be responsible for others,  make people feel good, and be a humanitarian, wouldn’t have happened if not for their influence. I would have given up years ago if it hadn’t  been for their influence.  They made me strong, they made me a fighter. They made me independent,  they helped me find my intelligence.  They encouraged me to keep trying,  keep searching, keep learning.

I may not have done things just like them,  I’m a different person, but they gave me the foundation to be me.

So, I take that,  and look at my little mirror knowing that one day he’ll take my good & bad parts and make them his own,  probably striving  to be better than I am.  I can only hope that he’ll be as aware and acknowledge the same in regards to me. I hope he’ll hold me as his wonderful loving not-so-perfect mom and role model.

“Ugly live up on the inside. Ugly be a hurtful, mean person.”― Kathryn Stockett

“I realized I actually had a choice in what I could believe.” ― Kathryn Stockett

Those two quotes.  They hit home for me just now.  I have been that ugly person. I have been hurtful,  mean, belligerent, even violent at times in my past because of  depression. The darkest place of a scared-hurt-traumatized person lashing out for fear of being hurt more.

Yet, a small desperate part of me wanted relief,  wanted healing,  wanted improvement,  wanted to see my own beauty.  I wanted it so badly I kept stumbling through life, forcing myself to keep going,  picking up pieces of a puzzle, hoping that eventually they might fit.

Now I see. 

I see that I took the path of more resistance in life,  but I’ve still found all my puzzle pieces. I finally found everything that makes me be the beautiful light person I so desperately wanted to be and see.

 It’s a seemingly difficult puzzle that I’m having trouble keeping together. It seems like all the pieces want to keep falling apart,  but really I just need to glue them together with a little something I think is called self-worth. 

It’s the value I place in myself, which makes myself so important that I’ll do anything to keep those pieces together so that I’m always the beautiful whole person I know I can be.

I just need to make myself so important that doing what’s right for me and my body is more important than anything else. 

 More important than being on time,  more important than making another appointment,  more important than helping others,  more important than even keeping my family together.  Because without me none of the other things would even exist.  All of the other things are merely elements of a large illusion of which I agreed to participate.  If I exit from the game,  the game would continue with other players. 

So, if the other elements/things/people are important to me, I still need to put myself first to be able to be there for them.  To be able to experience them.  If I lose myself to the ugly again,  or worse: exit the game, then everything else either falls apart or is reconstructed substituting other players.

I am what’s holding my view of this illusion together.  

I am most important.

I must value myself enough to keep the puzzle glued together and maintain my beauty so that the world begins to reflect that beauty. 

They say it gets easier with time and practice.

I like feeling beautiful,  and I like feeling loved. I like feeling like I love myself enough to put myself first and allow the universe to reflect that beauty back to me. I like that all, so much, that my glue gets stronger every day. I know that one  day the glue will be so strong it’ll be easy to pick up my puzzle and carry it anywhere I want to go and show everyone how beautiful I am for figuring out my puzzle. That will be a great day.

Maybe then I’ll be able to teach others how to take a path of less resistance to find their puzzle pieces and glue them together. That would be an even better day. 

Thank you Abraham.

 Thank you Shiva/Shango/Cuernnuos. 

Thank you Brighid/Kali/Kuan Yin.