Tag Archives: negative

My view of Covid

I have been told by Nathan to write about the symptom view of Covid because he swears I have given him a better understanding of how to fight it off and get better. This is that post, and it might end up being long, so I apologize for that.

Covid has all of the physiological symptoms that the news has discussed. However, there is one major symptom that no one has addressed, yet I have watched it in my clients, my friends, my family and myself. It is the main factor that makes me believe it is a chronic infection like my Epstein-Barr battle, essentially becoming a low grade background issue until it wins enough to flare again. It is also the main reason I distrust the system to produce any real results, because if this is happening to those I am connected to, and myself, it is also happening to all medical professionals that caught it early on. It makes it hard to survive let alone fix the problem in a permanent way.

What the hell am I talking about?

Covid has a mental health effect, which seems energetic until it is already winning.

That darkness that I have referenced lately is a part of the disease. It is why I have gotten so focused on prayer and all the positives I know exist. It is also why even though I need to let out the negatives to be able to move past them, I am wary of going into detail knowing my brain is playing tricks on me. I want to be wrong about anything negative, I honestly hope every negative ‘premonition’ I’ve had is false.

Keep in mind any disease wants to live as much as you do. It doesn’t really want to kill you because it knows if the host dies it also does. However, if you get too well, it will also die. It wants you somewhere in the middle: alive but miserable. That is where it flourishes.

So to that end Covid copies your inner thoughts and dialogue enough to confuse you and cause you to distrust your own thoughts and intuition. It causes fear. It leads you to do whatever contributes to enabling disease. It makes you tired and makes you want to sleep as much as possible. It makes you want to eat unhealthy foods. It makes you want to not exercise. It makes you think you are too weak to do otherwise. It makes you want to do all the wrong things and convinces you that the good and fun things are too much effort. It maximizes every weakness that you have and uses them against you. It scares you, angers you, frustrates you and leaves you feeling like anything good or enjoyable isn’t worth the effort.

My mom was raised military, and fortunately raised me to have the awareness that sometimes you just have to. Sometimes, if you know it’s the right thing to do, you just have to make yourself do it. That sentiment has literally saved me battling this disease.

I’m going to give multiple examples from my viewpoint as well as Nathan’s and a few of my clients. (Sorry for the lengthiness.) I’ll mark the beginning of each with an asterisk to denote one example from another, in case the description takes multiple paragraphs.

*I was in the middle of a massage last week, trucking along great and feeling good. Suddenly I felt weak and tired, seemingly out of nowhere. I started repeating “I’m stronger than this, I have plenty of energy” after a few minutes of that the weakness subsided and I was back to full functioning.

* I knew I needed to get back into my exercise routine and forced myself to go. All the while my brain was trying to tell me I didn’t have time, I should be at home catching up chores, or making dinner. Then once I got to the gym, it was like the weakness returned. I felt like my body weighed tons and it was so much effort to just move. Again I kept repeating “I am stronger than this, I have more energy than this, this is not mine, I have endurance and I am healthy.” Eventually I felt the effects of the exercise kick in and the negatives stopped, my strength and endurance returned almost immediately at that point.

*When I had the negatives come up about someone I care for and suspecting suicide, I acknowledged it could be the same thing. That maybe it was creating a scenario to confuse me and cause fear. It was just close enough to my inner dialogue, and of dialogue when I do get genuine psychic messages, that I wasn’t sure. I literally began sending prayers of healing and it began to loose impact. Then I started repeating “Bring the light to the source of the darkness. Heal the darkness.” While visualizing a candle banishing a dark cloud like a scene from the show ‘Supernatural’. That combination enabled me to clear the other side and find my stability again.

*I had a moment where I knew I needed to do things to support the household but I just wanted to lay around. I had to convince myself to do the things that needed done and in gaps between things I chose to cuddle with my kids watching their shows, instead of sleeping the day away. I made myself find the compromise and keep moving and doing and it worked.

*I have had moments where I get super tired out of nowhere, or I’m tired when I first wake up. Those moments it simply doesn’t make sense at all and I know something is off. Every time that I recognize it, I’m able to talk myself back to feeling energized and we’ll rested.

If I don’t recognize those moments they snowball very fast and lead to crash moments where my emotions get the better of me. If I crash emotionally then almost every time I also begin to feel unwell. Fortunately once the sensations of being unwell kick in I know I missed an early battle and I fight twice as hard in every way (thoughts, foods, supplements, activities) to pull out of it.

* I have had massive cravings for things that were my last items to be eliminated due to addiction or denial. I crave chocolate and sweets and breads and all the carbs. I know that I am healthier without them, and feel much better without them. When I loose the battle and consume something like that, I notice in a big way that the negative loop gets even stronger and even harder to fight. Yet when I manage to talk myself out of them I feel great. When I go several days without them I feel so much clearer and more focused and like I am able to stay in front of the symptoms better.

*Long periods of rain have been a trigger for these thoughts and a general feeling of unwell. This year has been particularly rainy for the Kansas City area, having had well over 20 inches of rainfall. I noticed every time it rained for more than 3 days I would be fighting harder and longer to kick the negatives and mildly sick feelings. Initially I thought it was my mold allergy, and chalked it up as such for quite a while. Yet the last time we had such a rainy streak the mold count had dropped due to prior heat and I was still facing symptoms. I now sincerely feel like it is the negative loop of Covid preying on my dislike of prolonged rainy weather, especially since it doesn’t happen when it is short lived rain. I have no dislike for intermittent rain storms because I know they help plants grow. Short periods of rain are not a weakness for me.

* I have had many moments where in a gap of available time, I was faced with the reality that I needed to do one of several things and indecision hit me. In those moments I would acknowledge that the indecision was going to mean I didn’t accomplish any of them. Once I realized that, I would pick the easiest thing to do, and especially if it would accomplish a moment of self-care for me. Once I started the activity of choice I would begin to feel relief in more ways than just what that activity accomplished normally.

* I explained this a week or two ago, but when Nathan was sick and sleeping every day away, I hit a moment with him where I kinda verbally kicked him in the ass. I told him that if he didn’t start making himself do things and eat that he would just waste away and die. My conversation with him was the nudge he needed and he began to slowly improve. He made himself do what I said and it worked.

* Nathan has admitted that photography, his love and joy that started in highschool, has been a challenge because his brain has been trying to convince him it isn’t worth the time and effort. He can expound on that himself, but I’ve noticed it isn’t just the photography, is all the things he once enjoyed.

* Nathan has talked about his walks and how on one hand he knows it will help and that he has regained enough strength to do so, but on the other hand he feels weak and powerless. He says he has to talk himself through every step, and push himself just a bit more each time. Yet they are beginning to enable him to get back to normal and they are even helping his blood pressure normalize.

*My one client that has really bad long-haulers because he had Covid before and after being vaccinated, has told me similar things about wanting to sleep all the time and having to talk himself into getting up and doing things. He has also commented that everything seems futile and like he doesn’t know why he is here still. He had a minor work injury recently and commented that his brain tried to turn it into something much worse, he literally had to convince himself to take care of the bruises and get care for himself. It was a challenge to just function and process the incident. He has also commented on a lack of desire to even go to work, but knows he has to, so he talks himself into that daily as well.

*Another client that has had Covid is nearing retirement and she has to convince herself daily to keep doing her job and stay on the plan she laid out for herself several years ago. She fights a desire to just sell her house early and run away to some distant place to retire and lay around doing nothing. She says that isn’t her, even once she retires she had a huge plan to travel and see places she’s never been. She still wants that, but every day seems to be more and more challenging to stay on track. She’s constant having to work at making it okay.

So because of all of those examples, which really is the top of a huge iceberg of things I’ve noted and discussed with people, I have come to my understanding which makes the law of attraction push and Abraham’s constant nudging make sense.

I generally feel like every time I have a moment of my own weakness or my own dislike of something, Covid uses it as launching ground to regain a foothold on my mental health. If I don’t compensate quick enough and do something right and good and/or enjoyable then Covid tries to regain strength and reflare. That being said I have only had one instance of true full reflare with the Delta variant that didn’t show on testing, and it only managed to give me that 2 week sinus infection. I feel like I have mostly managed to keep it at bay and keep control of it, but my goal is to eliminate it all together. I am perfectly okay with pulling up high enough that it dies. To that end I simply know I must think my way out of every weakness I carry. I must logic myself out of fear, anger, frustration and every other negative that impacts me as frequently as possible. I must connect to my inner being and feel the difference between my inner knowing and that darkness of untruth as much as possible. That is how I stay ahead of it and it is how I feel better and find healing. It was the path before COVID-19, but now it is imperative to stick to it every moment of every day, because it is the battle ground where Covid easily overtakes your mind and creates more dis-ease and disease.

Abraham and others have been harping on that concept for years now, and it all makes sense now. The other side saw this coming and tried to warn us and give us the tools. If you know the tools then you better be using them, it’s your chance at survival and your chance to thrive. If you don’t know the tools, then you better learn them quick. Anyone that doesn’t keep up will eventually perish, this is a wicked disease that will eat you from the inside out because of your weaknesses and negative patterns. You must heal yourself, medicine cannot do it for you when this mental space is the driving force.

May you know your weaknesses and overcome them. May you understand the patterns of disease. May you see exactly how to heal yourself for certain. May you have evidence that you are on the right track and winning the war. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

“What Would You Say”

What would you say came on when I had my mp3’s on shuffle. It made me think, what would I say? This is where I started, where I’m at:

Shit sucks sometimes. Sometimes things don’t go the way you think they should have. Sometimes things don’t pan out right. Sometimes you don’t get what you want.

BUT

If you focus on that side, it just creates an additional layer of misery on top of already not being the happy perfect ending you wanted.

There is no reason to torture yourself further. Look for the good and at least feel better.

Besides, even shit can have an upside. Literally, shit keeps the ecosystem functional. Animals eat poo, bugs eat poo, it fertilizes plants, there’s even been solid science where one person’s poo helps another heal- icky but true.

But seriously, even metaphorical shit can have a bonus. My shitty past has led me to try extra hard to be kind, loving, and supportive. I accept people where they are and do my level best to help without judgement. I’m still human and far from perfect, but I try that much harder because I was judged so heavily at times when I just needed caring support, and none was to be found (even/especially in childhood).

Everyone deserves someone to care and help in times that they need it most.

My father blames Nathan for everything, and others think I settled. But what they all miss is that I chose the person that could be real with me. The person that could be honest and fully accept me as I am. He leaves doors open for possibilities (polyamory, magic, faith), and unconditionally loves me even in my worst moments. He does his best to demonstrate, show and tell me of his love. Further than that I do feel his love and his importance in my life.

He gave me two beautiful children, which have been full of learning lessons. Health, food, fitness, time and stress management are all much more understood because of birthing children. I’m doing my best to be a good example and not force anything on any of my children. I’m doing my best to be kind, loving, and unconditionally accept them and show them by my choices how to help themselves. I care and want the best for them, but see and understand that they are perfectly capable creators already. I would rather show them how to create their own happiness, than tell them what that should look like, or force anything on them.

The shit sucked, massively at times, but I learned ways around just about everything. I sustained a business on nothing but a box of business cards, and started it when we were living on food stamps. Imagine what I could do with millions. I like that thought!

My point is, for most people it’s not worth giving up and throwing in the towel. Most people still have an opportunity to try again and reach for better, and that is the most important thing. Yet, when you’re in the shit storm it’s easy to loose sight of the silver lining. Just keep reminding yourself that there is a buried nugget of good somewhere and it’s worth digging for. Ickiness will eventually reward you somehow.

For now, my reaching for good is remembering good things with my chosen family, the few happy memories of childhood, snuggling pets, and walks in parks.

Today is the beginning of the full moon, and we’re hours from the start of all hallows eve followed by the day of the dead.

The veil is thin and tensions are high for most of America and the world. Even without watching any news for months (over a year probably) I am aware of every woe, every fear, everything the news is scaring people over. But I am very aware of the other side of the veil rooting for us to find that better place. 2020 is different, change has definitely sucked this year, but it is because we have bigger challenges than previous years, and it’s not just because of politics or disease.

I am aware of how many more people are finally admitting their sensitivity to the energetic and unseen world. It doesn’t mean older generations didn’t have that experience, it just means they didn’t talk about it if they did. It does make me wonder and I have difficulty understanding aspects from the ‘if you were sensitive to divine energy then how could you possibly believe_____’.

However, I’m just more concerned that there are so many like me, feeling things and sensing things, but not having a full vocabulary or tool-set to manage it. We are literally flying blind and learning as we go, and 2020 made that a massively huge undertaking.

Just know there will be an end in sight and when we clear that other side we will figure out where the nugget of gold was hiding. In the meantime, do your best to ground, center, clear the junk, and reach for better.

Use this Hallows Eve and Day of the Dead to reach for better and ask support of all our ancestors that know the tricks to manage our sensitivity. Take advantage of the thin veil to get extra support from the unseen. It’s been ages since October has seen 2 full moons, and even longer since a full moon on Halloween. It’s significant, and it may just be the boost we all need to clear the hurdle of 2020’s shit. Focus on good and focus on help from the spirit world, we all need it more than ever. Let yourself clear so your light can shine more brightly and help us all see our way through the shit storm.

Ren Po Shun, Om Shanti

Below pictures of adorable Katherine; Nathan working on my legs when dad’s energetic junk was piled on top of slight dehydration; and my walk just now through Minor Park (south Kansas City Missouri).

Moments

Flowers Nathan got me when I was having an especially bad day last week… In the midst of thyroid storm and heartache.
My Buddy cat rolling around cute. Right before knocking the flower vase over. I couldn’t be too mad, but did fume a little while cleaning up the puddle.

They both have a positive and negative to the story. I do my best to focus on the positive, but I’m human with a brain and body that doesn’t always cooperate the way I want it to. I make the best of the challenge I was given. Some days are better than others. Until I figure out how to heal my brain, I’m likely to continue to flip flop like a trout on a boat deck. I wish there was a doctor that cared enough to help with that one, not just medicate with an educated guessing dart board, and I wish I had the resources to cover the costs of it all. Realistically, I have done a damn good job chipping at a very difficult puzzle all on my own with very limited resources. Too bad there’s not an award for “your broke-ass almost won”- I’d have dozens of those.

May you all have an easy time focusing positive. May your brain and body always work the way you want it. May your puzzle be easier. May you feel successful. May you find consistency in focusing positive. May you see improvement. May you win your biggest challenges.

Siva Hir Su