Tag Archives: overcome challenges

Doubling Down

SO, I had my appointment today. The doctor I originally spoke with has family with medical concerns, apparently long term and so he has minimal office hours. The results, I was assigned to see his PA. I was less than impressed with her.

The conversation that I had with him was nearly night and day from what she wanted to do. I talked to him about an option to get my immune system to subside and she went on a Metformin tangent and completely disregarded the LDN option to help calm immune function. At the end of an hour appointment, I walked away with the knowing that she had taken a similar journey and given up because she couldn’t stick to diet protocols. She called them unrealistic and had decided that living on metformin and thyroid meds was the only “livable option”.

All I can say is, how can anyone in their right mind decide for a patient at 37 years of age, that living on Metformin and Thyroid medicine is the only way to get through life. I could easily live for another 40 to 50 years, and if I decided to choose meds as an indefinite option now, then what will happen when those meds become insufficient in 10 or 20 years. The answer that is more and more frequent for many patients is: higher and higher doses, then when capped out, add other medications and then increase doses of those. Repeat until either death or options run out. That is how I have 80 and 90 year-olds on cocktails of 20 medications, that essentially circle back to the same few problems. And those cocktails always have side effects ranging from wicked dry mouth, to no tear production, to a constant watering of eyes, to muscle spasms, diarrhea, constipation, and major fluid retention. I often wonder with all their side effects why patients ever let doctors pile the meds on, but one after another, after another it happens.

Regardless, of the original doctor’s suggestion, or the PA’s suggestion, the answer was still long term indefinite medication usage. Neither one actually offered a real true solution. Neither of them could offer a path to normal biological function as I was born with. So again I am infuriated with western medicine. All their big claims and no real usable results. I don’t understand how doctors can live with themselves. How can you, day-in and day-out, market yourself as a healer- a health care provider and not actually fix anything. Medications don’t fix things. They mask symptoms at a very nice cost for big pharma, and they claim you as their unwilling victim until the day you die, never ever getting to break free of the vicious dosage cycle. Then to acknowledge that my problems arose after vaccinations I am extra livid. You broke me with something intended to keep me from catching a disease, and now I have problems that you want to solve by medicating me for 40+ years. Cause my problem and then you can’t solve my problem. I don’t think so.

Anyway, I’ll get my sonogram (probably Thursday or Friday as I need to call a seperate office to book that appointment in the morning). Once I have the results of the sonogram, I’ll base full decisions on that. If it is just the nodules and cysts common to thyroid patients, then I’ll move on. If it is deemed tumor or cancerous, I’ll need to look at options closely.

For now, I am assuming that it is the nodules and I am deciding to double down on my protocols.

I had a long conversation with Nathan. I have already discussed with him several times that I needed to get back on the full pregnancy regimen, but this evening it somehow clicked for him. He is now really excited about helping me to have a not-baby of healing. We talked about all the details, and how I need his support with this as much as both real pregnancies. I reminded him of how I need the most help with willpower since there isn’t actually a bun in the oven. He reminded me though of how I am already doing spectacular, that I am already doing way more than the average person. I know this, and even the stupid PA admitted that I am doing way more than most people even could. That doesn’t mean it is enough, and I need to find out what enough is for me.

So we broke it down to remind ourselves:

  • I now know that almonds, chocolate, and chickpeas/garbanzo-beans were culprits causing at least some of the reactions that plagued 3rd trimester of Katherine and have slowed me down the last 6 months. They have now been eliminated.
  • I know that when pregnant it was a must to get 45-60 min of exercise a day. I now know that needs to include at least some running. No more passes on exercise- I must do it everyday, no matter what. Gyms reopening will help with that, but I will take to climbing up an down stairs at home or work if I have to.
  • We know that when I was pregnant I had to eat something every hour to two tops. If I didn’t eat often enough it was nausea and puke city. If I ate too frequently I couldn’t control glucose numbers. So it very much directly affected my metabolism in a huge way.
  • With the eating, it’s very low carb, allergen free, at this point pescatarian, and I must compensate for no baby calories. That means 300 calories less per day than my pregnancy average. Yikes. And in tiny doses.
  • Some nuts are okay as long as I really watch serving size and calories, no walnuts or almonds for the allergy flag.
  • Some vegetables can slow thyroid function, so I can eat them, but need to be conscious of how frequently and quantity. These would mainly be: Kale, Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Cabbage. Spinach is kind of on the fence because its iron levels help process existing thyroid hormones, but it can be similar to kale in the slow the thyroid function.
  • I must make sure to do the anti-inflammatory things I know work: sunshine in the first hour of my day, turmeric, brommelain, exercise, and proper sleep duration and timing.
  • Minimal fruit, with blueberries and apples being most tolerable. Other berries okay in smaller doses. NO oranges/clementines/grapefruit (I have folic acid processing difficulties.)
  • Chia pudding with stevia is still a good filler giving the metabolic benefits of the trigger of eating, but not causing any caloric or sugar effects.
  • Celery and carrots and regular lettuces are great… I pointed out to Nathan: “Do I like it? Do I want it? No to both- Great I can eat all I can stomach!” Sarcasm aside, that seems to be the real equation here with food. If it isn’t something I care to eat a ton of, then I can consume as much as I can convince myself to chew. If I want to binge on it, then I really shouldn’t have any at all. It’s vexing emotionally, exasperating, but at least it is a relatively easy one to follow.
  • I’m going to stick to no meat since it was causing reactions last fall. Only occasional fish/shrimp.
  • Continue with grain free and minimal beans since it seems only green beans and peas are tolerated well.

So, after having gone over all of that with Nathan we went home and put together tomorrow’s food. 2.5 oz nuts, 2.5 oz Peanut Butter. More celery than I care to look at. A whole cucumber sliced up. 2 small salads no toppings. 3 oz of homemade coconut milk “dill dip” and my homemade blueberry vinaigrette. Finally, 1 small apple. Yay rabbit food.

My goal is 9 months of not-pregnancy. Hopefully at the end of that journey will be a much smaller and healed me. I hope that one day I might be able to eat like normal human beings. Not societies’ current standard of normal with all the crap foods and highly processed everything. No real human normal, where grains and beans are okay in small doses, and my immune system lets the occasional lapse slide without reaction. That would be a nice day.

Side note I wish I could find a doctor like this guy (see link) here in KC. That seems an impossibility. https://drhyman.com/blog/2010/07/30/how-to-stop-attacking-yourself-9-steps-to-heal-autoimmune-disease/

May you have an easy road to recovery. May you know real healing is in reach. May you find yourself able to stay away from doctors. May you know your solutions and be able to act upon them. May your body never be damaged by things out of your control. May you find a way to allow god’s healing into your life and your body. May you be safe and secure. May you have effective and finite treatments. May you survive what others can’t. May you know you are doing your best and that it is way better than others even try to do. May you find the solutions you seek and have the best outcomes for any situation.

Siva Hir Su

Letting dreams be dreams.

So I have come to a place of resignation. My humanly efforts will likely never get me to my great grand dreams of Atira. So I’m letting them remain dreams while I work with the here and now in front of me. Assuming they will always be dreams, and were never actually intended to come true, somehow takes the sting out of their feeling so far out of reach.

Anyway, I put a lot of time on my grand dome home design last night, and some more today. I used it as a distraction from a hiccup in the mortgage process for our good enough home. ( I’ll post images of the dome designs last.)

Essentially, even though I single-handedly supported and kept my family with a roof over their heads for the last decade, it came down to needing a cosigner. I make enough for the loan amount we requested, but because I took a “real job” for most of the last 2.5 years it affected my self-employment income levels. They can’t count the job because I’m no longer full time there, but they can’t count previous tax returns for the same reason. It came down to 3 options.

1. Fully audited profit and loss costing 10 grand and taking 30 days, but which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made as much as I say I did.

2. Start over with another mortgage company and risk losing our choice house because the seller might not agree to time extension.

3. Scramble to find and file paperwork for a cosigner, and cross fingers we make it through completely by Thursday this week.

Nathan’s dad agreed to facilitate the third long enough to enable doing a refinance ASAP later.

Which, by the way, I will not use the mortgage company we chose at the start of this process. I was livid that this current company didn’t catch this hiccup right away. I would not have paid for the inspection and thus not have gotten attached to buying a home until after this year’s taxes had been filed, and then could be counted without using a costly time consuming process.

As it is, I spent 2 days doing everything I would for my taxes for them to say they really needed the audit. Then I oscillated between livid angry shakes and wanting to cry because all my efforts still don’t matter to anyone else. I screamed a few times when alone, and ranted at the mortgage broker twice over the phone for her fuck-up.

At this point we’re half packed and I have already set plans in motion for the logistics of the move and post move. Not to mention having taken 4 days off of work when holidays are already eating 2.5 days. So, I find myself convincing my brain that it will work out, and we’ll move on-time for a Happy Yule and Merry Christmas. When that slips, I switch to a pleasant distraction or meditation, and occasional pacing.

I am determined that not only am I getting this home on time, I will also have it paid for in full in 5 years or less. On my own.

There is an element of wishing I had my other person, my significant-other. As much as I feel good about eventually finding the “HA I did it myself!”- especially knowing I do always get to see that light; there is another much larger part wishing I didn’t have to work so hard to prove my deserving-ness to others. Like really, if the damned mortgage broker had paid attention, this process could have waited 5 months and been much smoother on me. Yet, if there was a significant-other that was part of the family, then the cosigner would have been an original intention with extra legal protections for that person, not a last minute back-up plan. There are just so many ways this could have gone better and easier, but alas I have no significant-other life-partner at this time, AND I got the crappy mortgage broker that is only used to dealing with people that have “good jobs”. RAWR!

Anyways, rant aside, my distractions have been worthwhile. There is the poly-family dome-home designs for Atira. There have been wrap-ups of shirt designs for other people. There was holiday gifting and cards to write, and brainstorming a white elephant gift for an upcoming parent holiday party. Additionally, there was quite a bit of time invested in reading books, working with the stock market, and playing Magic Cards with my friend and people he knows.

I have to say that the card games were a blast. I finally felt reacquainted with the game enough, that I ventured out to play at the store with a full group. We did the new Commander Style, and it was great fun, especially since I was getting to test out a brand new to me deck that was a gift. I played 4 rounds, I think, though my brain was mush by half way through the last round. One round there were 5 players at the table and it was a lot to keep up with. Luckily I was not the only one in the “newbie” category, so they went gentle on me. I still died every time, as I’m not up to speed enough to win one yet.

The funniest moment to me was sitting at a table full of people my age and the one teenager looked just like one of the kids in the home-school group. I knew it wasn’t the same kid by name, but it was uncanny how similar they were. I appreciated that the players which I knew were very skilled and good at strategy, were kind to the teenager and the even the two of us older but currently inexperienced players. What was also funny was all of us older players reminiscing of back in the day when we played using certain cards. At one point someone played a card that was “Llanowar Rebirthed”, and I found myself saying I remembered playing a green deck that had Llanowars (not re-birthed) in it. That stirred a whole conversation on old cards. It was good fun. I had a really great time, and look forward to another day like that… Hopefully my schedule will allow for it sooner than later.

Finally I really wanted to check in on my progress with weight-loss and my health in general. I know that I have had lots of positive comments lately, but with the holiday season and my known food fails, I haven’t been able to see my progress myself. I still feel like I’m just treading water. So, I had Nathan pull some really old pictures.

First were my High-school Senior Portraits, done by a highly respected local lady in 2001. I know I weighed 280 pounds.

The following are from 2010 to 2012, before I started my health journey, my peak I weighed 300 pounds ( I quit weighing myself at 295, and I know I exceeded that for quite some time.) All of these pictures were taken by Nathan, some in professional mode, some in family mode.

The next 3 were from 2013, as I was beginning my health journey, and just before I had lost enough weight to conceive Ian. They were taken about a month after our trip to Cleveland by train where another passenger told me about Iodine and Borderline Thyroid conditions. That had led to the beginning of loosing weight, and was I definitely beginning to feel better.

Finally, these are current. Top left (red velvet shirt) being from right now.

I can kind of see the changes, but I have to really look at the pictures from a shapes and contour perspective to see the differences. I wish I could tell better. I suppose I will never be the size 6-8 person that we’re all supposed to be able to maintain. Perhaps that is like my dream of Atira.

Anyway, I am really attempting to see the positives, and it seems that I am having to stretch quite a bit to do so, so I’ll leave you with links and Images of Atira. I will eventually get my dome designs finished and 3-D models rendered. Considering this is a sideline for fun, I’ve gotten quite a ways in my very rare spare time.

320 million reasons… … … … Mad Skillz….. … … … Business is Booming…

Knock On Wood… … … … Atira Diversity…. … … … Wishing I was….

Monster Striving… … … … Desperate MEasures….

Installment 3… … … … Anomaly….

Finally for those designs in progress: I haven’t touched the first floor at all yet, so I will put up the rest. What you can’t see here are all the guides and rulers and grids that I have used to align everything and make sure proportions are accurate. The jpg for the crows nest looks massive in comparison, but it is merely an export output result, it is very much the appropriate size in the CorelDRAW file.

May you all see your good. May you be aware of your progress. May you have an easy time conveying your strengths and deserving-ness. May others appreciate you and may your life improve incrementally in noticeable ways. May you see the good in everyone and feel the love. May you have dreams that are more reachable, and may you have solutions for your here and now. May you always feel the knowing that everything is okay and you will get through. May your tough times be short lived and well rewarded.

Feel the Love and Be The Change

Siva Hir Su

Love’s Repercussions

For about 2 weeks now I’ve been battling despite being super excited about finally having a home. I am very appreciative of those of you that have hung in with me and shown support. Sometimes that makes all the difference in the world.

On one hand, we’re on the last step of buying a nice home. Not lavish, in fact very average, but far nicer and far better maintained than any of our rentals the last decade. I’m so excited for hardwood floors and a fireplace, extra bathrooms, and enough space to accommodate a home office for me. I could not have done it without one friend’s advice and God’s guidance. I am so humbly appreciative for everything that has led to this moment. When I called my mom to tell her I’d finally made enough improvement to do that, I had trouble containing my emotions, and I could hear in her voice the same reaction. It was a moment I’ll never forget because I thought I had failed so horribly I’d never see that day. Yet it’s coming. In 10 days, barring any last minute hiccups, we’ll have our home.

Yet I know it’s the first step of many to truly, fully correct for the last decade. The books I’ve read lately are pointing me towards other steps to take. Eventually, one day, hopefully I’ll have mastered this flow called money and taught my children the same. I look forward to that.

The struggle side, as I mentioned in the last couple of posts, has in part been induced by food allergies kicking my butt. Yet, inherently I know that’s not all of it. There have been a few too many moments where out of the blue, I’m sucker punched by emotions when I was already climbing up the emotional scale, or had consistently been up for a while.

I suspect that a couple of the moments are induced by memories of holiday seasons in my past, triggered by that dreaded question “are the kiddies excited for Santa?”. There have been more than a few holiday seasons that we barely celebrated anything because we had nothing. Gifts given to children were charity handouts, and decorations from Dollar Tree or thrift store seconds. I remember one gimpy tree, missing a foot, held us through 3 Christmas seasons. 3 other years we went trapsing through woods to cut our own fresh, but free, tree.

So this year, when asked that question, I feel the momentary hit in the gut because we have no decorations or gifts at the moment, but for an entirely different reason. For the first time ever, the answer is we’re going to celebrate late because we’re moving. Once we move the first thing up will be decorations, and second will be a gift shopping trip, so that my children will associate this move with happy times and create a good memory for their lifetime. This year may seem like many past, but really it’s not.

Yet, that has only been responsible for a couple of emotional backslides.

There have been several that I simply know their source. My heartache tells me the source. It seems that I continue to allow others to hurt me through energetic connections. It’s been hard enough for me to move on from having fallen in love and felt the pang of rejection, but now these moments seem to rub it in. I know there’s at least two, probably 3 or 4, that are dumping energetic junk on me and my family. I suspect they aren’t even aware they’re doing it.

So last night I reached up and found anger. I violently cut cords, swearing up a storm, and telling the senders to eff off. The change was instantaneous. My husband was impressed. My little Ian nearly found himself and then started backsliding. I took him from the dinner table and found cords I’d missed and one that had come back immediately. I visualized smashing it to pieces and crushing the bits. I lit the cords on fire with the Violet Flame, and asked it follow the cords like wicks and burn all negativity in it’s path. I called Archangel Michael to protect us and sever any I missed. Then I preceded to snuggle my little Ian tightly and shower us both with love.

My scorched heart may have let them in, but their rejection solidified how much I love those that are in my daily life. I told Ian I will always do anything in my power to protect him and I love him so much. We cuddled for nearly 2 hours and when he started to drift to sleep we readied him for bed.

I know those on the other end likely felt my wrath. Maybe they’ll get their act together. Maybe not. Either way, I’ll be dammed if my heartache ruins this holiday season. I will cut cords hourly if needed, and it’s encouragement to do just a bit better finding willpower to overcome Food Allergy Addictions. I’m going to do everything I can to let this year be different, to keep this holiday season joyous.

May you all have joyous holiday seasons full of love. May you see your progress and be able to reach for even better.

Siva Hir Su