Tag Archives: overcoming mental patterns

Love’s Repercussions

For about 2 weeks now I’ve been battling despite being super excited about finally having a home. I am very appreciative of those of you that have hung in with me and shown support. Sometimes that makes all the difference in the world.

On one hand, we’re on the last step of buying a nice home. Not lavish, in fact very average, but far nicer and far better maintained than any of our rentals the last decade. I’m so excited for hardwood floors and a fireplace, extra bathrooms, and enough space to accommodate a home office for me. I could not have done it without one friend’s advice and God’s guidance. I am so humbly appreciative for everything that has led to this moment. When I called my mom to tell her I’d finally made enough improvement to do that, I had trouble containing my emotions, and I could hear in her voice the same reaction. It was a moment I’ll never forget because I thought I had failed so horribly I’d never see that day. Yet it’s coming. In 10 days, barring any last minute hiccups, we’ll have our home.

Yet I know it’s the first step of many to truly, fully correct for the last decade. The books I’ve read lately are pointing me towards other steps to take. Eventually, one day, hopefully I’ll have mastered this flow called money and taught my children the same. I look forward to that.

The struggle side, as I mentioned in the last couple of posts, has in part been induced by food allergies kicking my butt. Yet, inherently I know that’s not all of it. There have been a few too many moments where out of the blue, I’m sucker punched by emotions when I was already climbing up the emotional scale, or had consistently been up for a while.

I suspect that a couple of the moments are induced by memories of holiday seasons in my past, triggered by that dreaded question “are the kiddies excited for Santa?”. There have been more than a few holiday seasons that we barely celebrated anything because we had nothing. Gifts given to children were charity handouts, and decorations from Dollar Tree or thrift store seconds. I remember one gimpy tree, missing a foot, held us through 3 Christmas seasons. 3 other years we went trapsing through woods to cut our own fresh, but free, tree.

So this year, when asked that question, I feel the momentary hit in the gut because we have no decorations or gifts at the moment, but for an entirely different reason. For the first time ever, the answer is we’re going to celebrate late because we’re moving. Once we move the first thing up will be decorations, and second will be a gift shopping trip, so that my children will associate this move with happy times and create a good memory for their lifetime. This year may seem like many past, but really it’s not.

Yet, that has only been responsible for a couple of emotional backslides.

There have been several that I simply know their source. My heartache tells me the source. It seems that I continue to allow others to hurt me through energetic connections. It’s been hard enough for me to move on from having fallen in love and felt the pang of rejection, but now these moments seem to rub it in. I know there’s at least two, probably 3 or 4, that are dumping energetic junk on me and my family. I suspect they aren’t even aware they’re doing it.

So last night I reached up and found anger. I violently cut cords, swearing up a storm, and telling the senders to eff off. The change was instantaneous. My husband was impressed. My little Ian nearly found himself and then started backsliding. I took him from the dinner table and found cords I’d missed and one that had come back immediately. I visualized smashing it to pieces and crushing the bits. I lit the cords on fire with the Violet Flame, and asked it follow the cords like wicks and burn all negativity in it’s path. I called Archangel Michael to protect us and sever any I missed. Then I preceded to snuggle my little Ian tightly and shower us both with love.

My scorched heart may have let them in, but their rejection solidified how much I love those that are in my daily life. I told Ian I will always do anything in my power to protect him and I love him so much. We cuddled for nearly 2 hours and when he started to drift to sleep we readied him for bed.

I know those on the other end likely felt my wrath. Maybe they’ll get their act together. Maybe not. Either way, I’ll be dammed if my heartache ruins this holiday season. I will cut cords hourly if needed, and it’s encouragement to do just a bit better finding willpower to overcome Food Allergy Addictions. I’m going to do everything I can to let this year be different, to keep this holiday season joyous.

May you all have joyous holiday seasons full of love. May you see your progress and be able to reach for even better.

Siva Hir Su

Watering continues.

The last couple of days I’ve been mostly well. There have been moments of confusion and moments of distress, but mostly I’ve stayed focused on what I want and generally buoyant. I really kicked butt yesterday doing 4 appointments consisting of 2.25 hours of continuous deep tissue. I approved the back-to-back stretch to accommodate helping the acupuncturist’s wife, whose neck had locked up- something I’m very familiar with.

Today is a day off, with the exception of one easy make-up home-visit appointment early this morning. Somehow, though the overcast weather and cooler temperatures have me hibernating.

I’m feeling my divine masculine today, fairly intensely. It has brought up lots of thoughts and feelings.

Somehow my thoughts keep cycling back to a man from my past, back when Anya was a baby: Rajesh. I keep remembering a point when I was at my worst, it’s been coming up frequently the last few weeks but today it’s really nagging at me.

Things had been happening involving him, his wife (my then best friend from high school), Nathan, and I. The specific memory is of when I lost control of myself and fell deep into depression and despair. Rajesh had found me crying and rocking myself in the upstairs closet. I was struggling so hard, fighting to regain control of my brain that I couldn’t even speak, and I remember him asking me something. I remember him standing there watching me and I remember wanting him to just hold me. To hug me and comfort me. After a moment, I can’t even define in time measurements, he said something and left. Moments later Nathan came in and held me.

Rajesh never did speak to me about that moment. I assumed he was either afraid to, or didn’t want to upset me. Yet to this day when the memory comes up I get embarrassed for not having been able to speak, and I still think about how much I just wanted him to show he cared by holding me. I really wanted to feel love in that moment and I respected him so much that I wished he had just loved me. Maybe he did and didn’t know how to show it, or simply how to respond in that moment.

I have no idea why this memory keeps resurfacing, and that’s ultimately why I wrote about it. I thought maybe writing it out would bring clarity. Yet I know that the state I was in means that the memory is incomplete. There are details my brain was unable to retain, which acknowledging that brings more confusion. Why now, nearly 13 years later, can I not shake it, and why does it flare my sense of my divine masculine.

I know that I am now in a much different mental space, mostly having defeated depression, and without a trace of medication. Thanks to Dr. Illardi’s “Depression Cure”. For that I’m utterly grateful. I owe that alignment to God, for I begged for help, and the people and resources to connect me with the therapist wielding that book resulted. It was divine grace that took over and helped me find my necessary set of tools to defeat depression in my life. The closet incident was one of my lowest points and now I’m able to maintain a much higher level of functioning even when something breaks my stride.

Maybe the memory is just acknowledging that massive improvement and reminding me of my gratitude for God and my solution. Yet it feels like more than that. My whole upper body is on fire with just that memory. That I don’t understand.

Regardless of my confusion, I do wish to acknowledge my decade of improvement. So that’s where I’ll water my dreams of Atira today.

  • I have supported my family, on my own, for a decade without keeping “a day job”. I’ve been successfully self-employed for nearly a decade.
  • During that same decade, I birthed 2 healthy children at home with minimal allopathic medical services.
  • During that same decade I took myself from nearly losing my life to depression, to being as mentally and emotionally stable as is considered normal.
  • I have started to slowly chip away at correcting financial damage done when Nathan got sick.
  • I’m nearly to a point where I will be able to buy us a home again and escape the decade of renting and being at the mercy of less than desirable landlords.
  • I have taken every opportunity possible to expand my knowledge and increase my skill sets.
  • I have maintained board certification and licensure over 12 years, despite having to move many times over.
  • I’m good at what I do because I care and I allow God to assist me. My hands do God’s work every day.
  • Though it seems I’m still very far from my big dream of Atira, I have made real progress. I have taken action steps and accomplished small goals to keep on my path to that big dream.
  • I give love at every opportunity, despite the fact that I’ve loved and lost, that I’ve loved and been hurt by several of those I gave my heart to. I do my best to find unconditional love, sometimes I accomplish that better than others, but I always aim for that.
  • I’m closer than I’ve ever been to being able to build and maintain Atira, one piece at a time.
  • I am strong and have amazing endurance.

May you all find moments of understanding and clarity. May you all experience growth and make progress towards even your biggest of dreams. May you all find unconditional love in your life.

Be well.

Siva Hir Su.