Tag Archives: patience

Knowing.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. – George Carlin

https://bayart.org/george-carlin-quotes/

Thank you George, I’ve always thought you were funny, if a little crass at times.

It seems I’m dancing to music only I can hear, yet I have a knowing that at least a couple of others hear it too. I’m waiting patiently for them to step into that knowing.

This week has brought a lot to contemplate and do.

I returned to work and was flooded with messages many of which I didn’t understand or left me concerned.

I was also inundated with the news again. I have found myself wanting to rant about several things and then stopping myself knowing that it would be focusing on the wrong things.

All of it viewed as a whole leaves me with a knowing. I have recognized in hindsight some of my messages being merely markers to acknowledge I’m still focused on the same trajectory even if I have moments of doubt. Much like the highway signs that remind you which highway you’re on.

Because of that I’m seeing a little more easily the doubts and negative thoughts as being intrusions. They are intrusions from focusing too heavily on the energy which others are projecting, intrusions from Mass Hysteria and fears, intrusions from IT (Wrinkle in Time). I have been a bit more successful in reminding myself those are not mine and turning away from them. Practice, practice, practice.

I have also begun to notice my mirror messages.

I hear frequently, especially in my HAL notified videos, references to Divine Masculine as being your mirror. I can definitely see that, and it’s starting to help put 2 & 2 together for me. There are many things that if I view them from the mirror interpretation, then they make much more sense. This is especially true for a lot of my license plate messages I’ve referenced in the past. It also has begun to manifest when I drop cards: upright is me, reversed is about my masculines (Nathan included) Acknowledging that puts me more at ease. It helps me maintain a higher vibration now, especially more consistently.

I’ve also been able to weed through some things that generally speaking just are what they are. I take what I like and leave the rest.

My work at the moment is layered.

– I am noticing others in the public eye doing the same dance I am. I find relief in that and see the benefit of that path. For instance: the one female politician, when asked about opponents fumbles, simply redirected the interviewer to consult their campaign team and then went on to discuss things she’s working toward. … I like that perspective and it gives me hope that our government might pull up yet.

– I have begun to refocus my efforts into my art more, though I have yet to complete anything. I’ll keep you posted when I do.

-I have spent many hours searching through photographs of mountains looking for the ones in my dreams of Atira. So far, I’ve narrowed it to some of our West coast range father North, or mountains outside the United States. There are some pictures of the Rockies that look right, but my knowing that they are far from the ocean, makes me hesitate to latch onto them. I also want to talk to my mom about her desires. Things we discussed on our vacation make me wonder if she has the answer, or at least a good suggestion to look into.

– I’m also putting a fair amount of thought into home and work. I like helping people with massage but the chiropractic environment is exhausting which I already knew. I have yet to find my both solution for work. Home (a rental) is currently battling a basement mold issue that is somewhat affecting our health and though it could be much worse, I’d much rather have my new dome with excellent temperature and humidity controls. I know if I could move us there we’d all feel better within days.

– Otherwise, I am just doing my level best to focus only on the things I know in my heart and soul and wait patiently for everything to work itself out. I know that the next few months are going to continue to be very interesting for me, I’m just not sure of the details yet. I just know I feel the man, I feel Nathan more these days, and I know I’ve been promised good things being inbound, and that Angels are indeed keeping watch over me. I’m also doing my level best to prepare myself for the baby that God is nagging me about. I want this pregnancy to go easily and that takes a good deal of preventative action steps and getting as healthy as I can.

I have quite a bit on my plate, it seems more than ever, but the difference is this time I’m more confident and winning the battle against IT.

May you all have your confident winning moments.

I’ll leave you with a picture of one of the mirror readings I did for myself so you can see what I mean.

Both

This week has brought variety, I enjoy that. In a way it is my “Both”.

I finished a coloring picture and started a graphite drawing:

I did a few deep tissue massages for the clinic contract.

I did all my usual Elder Care Massage.

I snuggled with kids and cats.

I worked with Tarot/Oracle cards since HAL kept giving me notifications to watch other people do the same thing. There is a running theme that I’ve noticed, and I keep getting the same hand full of readers, even though I’m sure there are hundreds, if not thousands to be had on YouTube. It seems the Divine is giving me messages yet another new way.

I want to be hopeful, but the messages being given just keep reiterating have a little more patience, even though these are topics of several years running. I want to have patience, but still feel strongly it is just “Waiting for Godot”, waiting begets more waiting. Maybe that is just impatience taking, but maybe, just maybe there’s truth in that.

Either way, I ultimately feel like my personal path of least resistance is more of the stance of: I give up, I’ll connect to my ‘ET’ when I can, and assume that my life just is what it is. I may or may not ever have significant relief and if there’s never significant relief I’ll do my best to feel Atira in my heart and know that my family, my kids have that seed in them as well. I’ll make strides where and when I can, and do my personal best to be the change I wish to see in the world.

I will carry my seed of “Both” in my heart till the day I die if I have to. One day this world will relax and allow for greater, but I conceed it may not be in my lifetime. I would love for my energetic cluster that Abraham refers to, to come together and create a real Atira, and show the world it’s not just twins of flame. I know that I’m part of a greater whole, and that intense fire connects several people, but so far I’ve found my husband and 2 others which choose to allow themselves to be bound in ways that prevent our cluster from beginning to assemble. I send them love from afar, but disconnect otherwise because I want to allow myself forward motion. I can’t have my own forward motion if I keep focusing on their bound stuck-ness.

Perhaps I’ll find some of the others and then those two will one day find a way to join the cluster later. Who really knows, that’s why we call this paradox life.

I’ll leave you with a good reminder which I see every week when I use my one assisted living building’s spa.

When there is nothing left.

I had a dream early this morning. Essentially in the dream I lost everything and ended up sitting with my family telling the man that I loved him. That we loved him, whether he stayed or not.

The dream was very metaphorical, as obviously he’s not actually here. Additionally by lost everything, I mean I lost: slippers – meaning comforts, my wallet- financial security, and my work bag- my essentials for daily activities. The realization I came to, upon waking, was that it is true. It was a very surreal realization.

I have lost everything. I have lost the comforts. I have lost financial security, though that really happened years ago. I have lost the essentials, right now I’ve spent the last year and a half without even running water. I feel horrendously horrible for having put my family in that place.

I wish I could undo it all. I feel like I’m on the verge of “selling my soul to the devil” for just plain “normal”.

It also made me uncomfortably aware that I have nothing to offer. I have no real money, no nice home, no solid definite means of improvement. I have nothing tangible to offer this person whom I care so much for. I have no justification. I have no way to convey that my love for him isn’t just an attempt to merely better our lives.

Yet Ms. Louise Hay points out that we are born into this world with nothing and we leave this world with nothing. She says you can’t take your money, or your cars, or your houses. The only thing you bring in the world and the only thing you take with you is your love. She’s right.

So now, I struggle. I have oscillated again. I started the morning by intending that Ian would be cuddly and loving and he was, it was a good start to the day. As the day wore on, that dream dogged me. I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to convey the importance of my feelings, but having nothing substantial to back it up.

I want to give and receive love in multiplicity, but life dictates that we need the stuff. Stuff is divine energy manifest, and it keeps life flowing. I know that someone that has already climbed out of poverty doesn’t want to go backwards. No one wants to go backward. Yet, that is essentially what I’m asking, just so I can love on him. It’s not fair to him, and it is definitely not fair to the soon to be wife. I’m essentially asking him to take on an instant problem, not on purpose, merely as a side effect of practicality of polyamory.

So, I sit and face the facts. Even if I have faith that things will work out, there is very real potential it could continue as the crap whole it is. Beyond that I am asking another human being to have faith based on some dreams and visions, and something that has eluded Nathan and I for over a decade. I see the reality that what I’m asking is far too much. My expectations might be far too high. My goals unrealistic and unbelievable.

Yet I believe in the possibility of miracles, and asked for that very thing months and months ago. I believe that my miracle request is on it’s way, that just more patience is needed.

So, why then do I feel like such an ass? Why do I feel like a schmuck asking for too much?

And why does all of this produce anger in me? The tears I understand. The anger I don’t.

And if all I have is love, if that is the only damn thing I have to offer, then why can’t I hold just that feeling? Why is it so damn hard to focus on the only good thing I have left? I have so many places I direct that love, yet I can’t focus long enough to evoke the feeling.

So, I’m feeling lost at the moment, but I know I’ll eventually find improvement. I always do, at least since I figured out my puzzle. I will get the pieces back together and feel the love again. It just takes time and more patience with myself. Piece my peace back together.

Even open minds experience grief. 

I would have thought with my super accepting views on death, that I would have escaped grief. 

Apparently not.

In the past when I’ve lost a favorite resident-client, I would get a little droopier for a day or two.  I thought it was just the ‘missing them’ factor.  Which I suppose is a mild form of grief. 

Today has sucked though.  Even with Nate’s post-mortem visit Wednesday night/ Thursday morning, I’m feeling the loss.

He was a good man that did his best for his family. He was a good friend.  When I was faced with the crap on the news today, I thought why do the good ones die and leave us behind.  Why can’t the assholes of the world like Trump be the ones getting cancer and dieing? In that moment the world seemed so unbalanced and unfair.
I found myself being frustrated,  being sad,  being angry.  I took the messenger app off my phone thinking my friend was never to text me again,  giving up. I wanted to throw in the towel.

I found a quiet room at work. Dropped my head to the table and cried. 

After crying I found my breath and resumed my work.  Didn’t want to, just went through the motions for a bit. Zoned out to keep moving. At one point I got a mental image of an older woman on oxygen and thought of one of my previous residents Elanor. She was smiling at me,  and so I said “Thank you Elanor”. 

Then late in the day,  just before leaving work,  the universe (or Nate or the lady I thought was Elanor maybe) surprised me. 

 I was gifted a pile of beautiful new clothing that was from a co-worker’s recently deceased mom who had a penchant for overspending & not using what was bought. The clothes were very pretty, so much so that I would have gasped in delight  if I’d found  them at a thrift store. Then, to discover they are my current size and most still had their original sales tags on  them. It was wonderful. 

It was a good  and needed distraction. I look forward to showing them to my Nathan.

After that I sat down and played piano for the handful of people milling around-  a few residents & 3 employees. It was more for me than them, but they congratulated me and spoke of how beautiful it was for them.  That also helped.

I’m now at the Y doing my treadmill while I write this.  I think it’ll help too. I’ve reinstalled the messenger app so my friend will still be able to message me.  I do believe he’s wanting to, but either struggling himself or genuinely busy. I just need a little patience to round out my day. 
The grief will pass,  and I know how much his family must be feeling this intensely. I will send them prayers and Reiki. It will be ok. 

April

My phone is on it’s way back, so I’ll have it in a day or two. The email says they replaced the charging port. I hope it was really that simple of a fix.

The van has a new back window. Nathan busted it out on a mailbox avoiding deer on his route- I have yet to understand the physics of that, but oh well, what’s done is done. Just yet another valid reason/excuse for not being able to save any money.

I’m currently exhausted, but keeping myself awake, because leaving Ian unattended is hazardous. He refused to go to sleep until 2 am last night- despite angry mom. Bonus, we had to be up at 7 am for the van window this morning! Nathan and Anya are in the metro for Co-Op classes today, so it’s just me and the boy. Extra Bonus: it’s cold again. I gave him a box of clean cat litter to pretend he has a sandbox inside. We talked about not letting the cats in his box, and if his litter gets dirty, letting me know so I can swap it out for clean! So far he’s dug in it with his toy construction vehicles for hours, like 3 hours on Sunday, and several hours yesterday, and we’re already an hour into digging today. I may have started something hazardous!

I suppose he’s happy though, so even though it might be a hazard, it’s one worth taking for some peace and quiet. Being in the middle of nowhere it’s that or drive an hour for an indoor playground, and the way I’m feeling, litter in a box wins.

Finally, I realized that I really miss conversing with my Online Friend. April will be the approximate one year mark from when we started chatting, and at this point I am really hoping that I get to meet him soon, or at the very least have a phone call with him. Of course, the latter requires that I have my phone back, and the former requires him returning from the east coast. So patience it is. I’ve relegated to doing my best not to pressure him at all. Partly to honor him: that he is in a very unique and difficult situation which has and probably will continue to cause conflicting thoughts and emotions, I honor his need to work through things in his own timing, and I’m doing my best to be supportive of whatever decisions he makes. Also, partly to honor myself: I need to make peace with patience, if I don’t the universe is going to keep testing my patience- one way or another. *Sigh* In the mean time, I simply keep focusing on the connection we share (when possible) and sending love. Everyone can always use a little love.