Tag Archives: peace

Joyous Hana-kwanza-chrisma-yule-ness

It’s the holiday season. Joyful happy wishes abound. Hallmark channel will sure help lift the mood. That or a thousand classic holiday movies.

We’ve had a tiny Charlie-Brown-Esque celebration this morning, for us technically a belated Yule celebration being I worked the last several days. It’s followed by a trip to friends for the misfits Christmas party this evening.

I’ve had a mild head-cold all week, and I’m just run down from working too much, but I’m doing my best to stay buoyant. Sleeping in with cute kitties was a bonus.

( I’d show pics of the rest of our celebration, but Nathan and Anya did all the photo taking so I’ll get those later on.)

My day off started at about 7pm last night. Despite very much looking forward to my time off and being in generally good spirits, the boy has weighed heavily on my mind. 

I felt him all day yesterday and though it was nice to feel him, especially in my heart being afire, I couldn’t help but wish I’d hear from him or even see him. It’s very confusing to feel him like that periodically, but not have anything else. He’s only ever validated the connection once and though I know that should be enough I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t talk about it, and why he’s quit communicating all together. My natural inclination is to blame myself, but I constantly work at reminding myself it is much more complex than that. I’ve resigned myself to loving him as I can, and knowing that some day, maybe after I die, I’ll understand fully.

So I pushed him out of my mind and slept mostly well, save for a scary dream about Nathan and health stuff. He’s actually doing OK, as far as current doctors are concerned. He’s working on the low kidney function, brought his sugars back down, and his blood pressure is getting there. He’s even finally got the black lines diagnosed. Apparently, if it had been the scary melanoma there would have been other symptoms with the line. The doctor was sure it was a fungus that produces a similar line and has started an anti fungal treatment with caution to watch for the other symptoms of the melanoma or the lines failing to dissipate. So essentially Nathan is, as far as we know, getting better.

That is a blessing. Our tiny celebration is a blessing. I had a good laugh over the kittens finding great fun in new cat toys and some catnip this morning. We’ve even been told of some possible houses that are coming open soon. So things are generally OK to hopeful.

Amidst laughing over kitties and having sweets with kids, I suddenly felt funny like I was going to pass out. Nathan immediately took my blood pressure and discovered I was very low. Kind of a good thing, but I need to keep it from being so low that I actually pass out. So the last few hours I’ve been downing liquids with electrolytes added and attempting to get my salt intake up, and I took a couple of extra iron supplements just in case. Also a blessing. Low is better than high in pregnancy and much easier to control. A couple of days of diligent liquid and iron intake and I should be fine.

And baby didn’t seem to mind she/he kicked several times during and has been very active  since. I’m sure baby is enjoying the electrolyte boost as much as I am. I’m grateful that I’m feeling baby more and more these days. It makes the efforts worth it. I finally am starting to actually feel pregnant, now that my belly is unmistakably showing it!

I hope everyone reading can find their blessings and happy moments and feel improvement on its way. May the spirit of the holidays bring you peace, joy, and hope. Be well and many blessings.

Dropping oars with Krishnas

So, today I have spent a lot of time contemplating religion, apporpeau for a Sunday I suppose.

In general I have few religious hangups. I’ve been to the Buddhist temple here in KC and back in Iowa where my friend’s family hosted it in their home. I’ve been to the Hindu temple in Omaha & here in Shawnee.  I’ve been to religious round tables, and sat in on discussions with Islamic imams. I’ve been to gong  bath meditations with Sikhs.

This morning though I got stuck on my few hangups about Christianity.  I was bullied as a child by “good Christian children” that their parents couldn’t believe would bully another child, or so they said. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. 

I’ve watched Christians harass and belittle people of a wide variety of walks of life. I’ve watched “good Christians” physically harm other people based on race and religion.  So, then I get stuck, very upset,  when Christians try & tell me or anyone else that taking Jesus as their saviour is the only way to God.

I can feel right now I’m headed out of my vortex,  so I’ll wrap up by saying that many religions predate Christianity. Christianity,  Judaism,  and Islam share the same old testament bible/torah, yet those 3 are the religions most at war with each other and the rest of the world. Yet, other religions have survived for thousands of years longer.

I don’t honestly believe the religious label that someone claims makes them any more or any less likely to find their connection  to God. It’s more about their life, what they resonate with,  and how they come to an understanding of the weird ways of the universe. 

What matters more to me is that any individual is attempting to find love in their hearts for themselves and their fellow human beings.  That they attempt to show that love as much as possible and allow the love to win over anything else.  Finding compassion and understanding for their fellow humans as much as possible.  Showing that compassion through charitable works of any variety. 

 That to me speaks to holding God in your heart regardless of the labeling or religious politics you side with.

So today,  I’ve decided to drop my oars of resistance over religious politics by going to the Hare Krishna’s open house.  Some meditation and great vegetarian  feasting for a Sunday afternoon of peace and positive contemplation. 

April

My phone is on it’s way back, so I’ll have it in a day or two. The email says they replaced the charging port. I hope it was really that simple of a fix.

The van has a new back window. Nathan busted it out on a mailbox avoiding deer on his route- I have yet to understand the physics of that, but oh well, what’s done is done. Just yet another valid reason/excuse for not being able to save any money.

I’m currently exhausted, but keeping myself awake, because leaving Ian unattended is hazardous. He refused to go to sleep until 2 am last night- despite angry mom. Bonus, we had to be up at 7 am for the van window this morning! Nathan and Anya are in the metro for Co-Op classes today, so it’s just me and the boy. Extra Bonus: it’s cold again. I gave him a box of clean cat litter to pretend he has a sandbox inside. We talked about not letting the cats in his box, and if his litter gets dirty, letting me know so I can swap it out for clean! So far he’s dug in it with his toy construction vehicles for hours, like 3 hours on Sunday, and several hours yesterday, and we’re already an hour into digging today. I may have started something hazardous!

I suppose he’s happy though, so even though it might be a hazard, it’s one worth taking for some peace and quiet. Being in the middle of nowhere it’s that or drive an hour for an indoor playground, and the way I’m feeling, litter in a box wins.

Finally, I realized that I really miss conversing with my Online Friend. April will be the approximate one year mark from when we started chatting, and at this point I am really hoping that I get to meet him soon, or at the very least have a phone call with him. Of course, the latter requires that I have my phone back, and the former requires him returning from the east coast. So patience it is. I’ve relegated to doing my best not to pressure him at all. Partly to honor him: that he is in a very unique and difficult situation which has and probably will continue to cause conflicting thoughts and emotions, I honor his need to work through things in his own timing, and I’m doing my best to be supportive of whatever decisions he makes. Also, partly to honor myself: I need to make peace with patience, if I don’t the universe is going to keep testing my patience- one way or another. *Sigh* In the mean time, I simply keep focusing on the connection we share (when possible) and sending love. Everyone can always use a little love.

 

Up, Out, and Renewed Focus

I did pull myself out of the depression hole. I now know I can. It was hard, took a solid week to fully come back up. Several days of exercise and then behaving diet wise, and I am back to relative chipper. (I say relative because I’m not sure my best moods ever constitute what some refer to as chipper, however, I am in a good mood place.)

My phone, which is really a miniature computer that makes calls and receives text messages, started acting up. It was eating files and overheating. Wednesday of last week it started overheating to the extreme and failed to take and hold a charge. I called customer service (using my husband’s phone) and they gave me instructions for sending it in, free of charge- I love when warranties work! Then as I was prepping to send it in, it suddenly acted like it was ok again, so I typed up a short letter explaining everything that had happened and giving a disclaimer that it seemed to correct before mailing. I really hope the technician reads my summary. I’m not sure I care whether they fix or replace it, so long as I get a working phone back.

I’ve realized that without my phone, I feel very disconnected and unprepared. I have come to rely on the quick access to my calendar (i.e. my livelihood); being able to look things up on Google or YouTube. Being able to make a call or send a quick message without hunting down a Wi-Fi connection. I’ve even realized how it has affected my work, as before I was using a couple of Chinese Medicine reference apps on a regular basis. Not having access to those apps, I have had to rely on my computer when available, but mostly my memory- which is occasionally very spotty, and in Chinese Medicine there is an awful lot to remember. It’s not the end of the world, and I’ll make it the 9 to 14 days that it will take to get something back, I’ve just realized that I’ve grown very attached to my tiny computer/phone. I’m definitely in withdrawal.

 

Speaking of Chinese Medicine, I’ve done some for myself. After being sick that week, I had congestion that just wouldn’t drain. My sinuses were sorely backed up and causing problems. I began having a continual throbbing jaw pain on the left side of my face and noted some red sore spots (a sign of excess, especially the congestion type) on what I knew were accu-points. I just couldn’t remember which points they were for sure and what their use was.

I looked them up and sure enough, every point had to relate to sinuses and congestion. They were stomach, large-intestine, and bladder meridian points that dispel wind. In Chinese Medicine, wind can be an external influence (windy days causing sickness) or a symptom of liver/spleen excess (which also manifests as anger or yelling). I found myself saying: I don’t know which cause it was because I’ve experienced both of late. So I relegated to carrying out the most efficient solution- Acupuncture. I would love to go to an Acupuncturist often enough to heal my body for real. However, being as low budget as I am with a basic knowledge of Chinese Medicine, I’ve opted to do very basic acupuncture sessions on myself to solve acute issues. This time, was one such event.

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I have to say after the 1st treatment I was significantly better, though it re-flared, so I’m actually in the middle of my 2nd treatment as I write this. Being that I’m not a fan of pain, I’m hoping that this treatment polishes off the congestion/wind and  I’m back to full normal tomorrow.

 

Beyond that life is mostly normal. I’m still working every day, commuting 90 min and dropping loads on fuel. With the new route income we have managed to begin to catch up on car maintenance and repairs. We still have shocks, 0-2 sensor, and some kind of electrical short to figure out. It’ll  all get done eventually.

I’ve still been conversing with my potential poly love interest online. He’s taking a business trip to the East coast for several weeks, so between that and my AWOL phone, I’m in withdrawal of our conversations too. However, I’m hopeful that his time out east also bears some fruit with his fiancee too, at least metaphorically speaking. I hope he is able to get a better sense of his fiancee as a person and what he’s really committing to. My biggest concern for him is that he’s walking into the rest of his life completely blind. That could cause so many problems long term. I know that the culture of arranged marriages (regardless of country of origin/perpetration) is predicated upon that premise: that the couple to be is to know that their parents and whomever else is involved in the selection process, has their best interests at heart, and thus should be trusted. Yet, I can’t help but think of the horrendous outcome that would have befallen me if my parents had picked my husband.

My parents may love me, but they lost sight of who I was as a person long ago, and at this point we disagree on more things than we agree upon. I can’t imaging how horribly wrong their choices in personality, political views, and general world views, would have been for me.

I’m honestly surprised that arranging marriages is still thriving so strongly, I would have thought it to have fallen apart decades ago. Although, I suppose there might be something to the idea that angry bitter people might be wanting to punish others for their forced marriages, and what better way than to force another marriage. The gentler more conscious version of that would be “maybe if I do a better job picking a mate for my son/daughter then their marriage will be better than mine was”.  Though I hardly think either stance will provide the desired outcome for anyone, especially when younger generations are being raised to believe in freedom and love. The two ideologies simply don’t mesh well.

My biggest hurdle is accepting his decision to go with the arrangement and not refuse. I understand why he feels the need to follow through with it, the complexity has weighed heavily on me. I sincerely wish I had the financial resources to provide an acceptable 3rd option for both him and his parents. Yet, I don’t currently have that ability, and based on his explanations, I don’t see a valid alternative without it. I just wish so much for him to be happy and have freedom of choice, even if that didn’t involve me long term. It’s all I would ever wish for anyone. Happiness, and freedom. I feel really strongly about those two things.

It’s really why I get so angry over our political environment here in the USA. Our government allows us as society to have just enough freedom to be complacent, and has ensured over the years that restrictions to our freedoms are quietly put in place (with a good reason mind you) so that it’s a surprise when someone goes to do something and is told no. Then we have to fight 10 times harder to have those laws removed from the books and freedoms restored. It’s a pattern that has repeated itself over and over again in US history, yet we keep letting it happen.

Anyway, I’m rambling. I just want peace, happiness, and freedom for all. I want to help people get on their feet and rebuild their lives. I want to have a lasting positive effects on this world. And right now all I can do is get up every day and go to work to ensure that my family has food, clothing, shelter, transportation, and communication with the outside world. And since that is ALL I CAN DO, then do that, I will. However, I will keep telling the story of Atira (coming to a blog post near you, soon!), the good things I wish for, and maybe the more I tell it, GOD and GODDESS willing, I’ll be able to welcome it into my life for real. THAT is my new focus.