Tag Archives: peace

Intentionally Vague

Tired of stalkers that want to be all up in my business, think they are “helping”, but put their agenda and two cents worth in when I didn’t ask for it. And it’s actually mostly energetic. In fact several of these people have denied me over and over again in face to face interactions. Playing innocent or ignorant or even down right telling me off.

I am seeing the chaos and mayhem thread that runs through several individuals. They definitely have the wavelength of Shiva-God-of-destruction down pat. I suppose I should have quit praying to Shiva when I got out from the worst of my problems. But even that God archetype has a good side, so why the hell do I keep getting the worst side? You only have to destroy once and then spend the rest of the time creating beauty, so why didn’t I get the good creation side?

Anyway, the last few weeks many, many posts have been read from the entirety of my writing journey. I am suspicious of which individuals are rehashing my history, by which posts have been viewed. Dad is obviously one, big surprise- not.

I wouldn’t really care about them being hung up on me, if their fixation moments didn’t fling giant globs of energetic poo at me and my family. I don’t want what they think I want, and they can’t, for whatever reason, see that their efforts are not actually helping me. It’s because they are reaching for what they would want if ____ was said, not reaching for Treasa says she wants _____. I also suspect they are fixating on one aspect and details, instead of the general overall package and feel (Abraham tells us over and over that is how we fail so often anyways).

So then chaos ensues.

Good example. Dad hates my husband and barely acknowledges him as being in my life. I’m certain he’s sent prayers, and overly fixated on Nathan needing replaced, and he probably thinks it should be by someone like my poor little daddy-o. Because I keep ending up with more people in my life that are just like my father. Jealous, bitter, self-hating, addiction laden people that think they know what’s best for me. They want to tell me what I really want or shoot down every possibility, with things that could go wrong. When they aren’t telling me my desires are inappropriate or too complicated, they are busy challenging me, like I need to prove myself to them. Yet none of them work on themselves, no they only focus on: what are my abilities, what are my skills, can I handle this or that, how quickly can I grasp something?

Here’s the kicker, I have passed every such test with flying colors for several years running. Multiple individuals testing me for their own gain, and no serious failures in my part.

Yet not a damn one of them offered me the funding to start Atira. Not a damn one of them honored me and respected me in any lasting tangible ways. Not a damn one of them congratulated me publicly. Not a damn one of them offered me a job that was actually financial improvement for me. Not a damn one of them offered to help me through my next goals. Not a damn one of them gave me emotional support. Not a damn one of them helped me keep my depression puzzle together. None.

Two attempted to help with housing but at the cost of my hours and hours of tedious and difficult labor. Which, one helped negligebly and was busy distracting us with requests to help them with many things, and the other helped more, but cost me a small fortune and blamed me for the sky falling. Three half-heartedly helped with birth of children.

But my Nathan has done all of it. Nathan has never tested me. Nathan has publicly acknowledged and congratulated everything I have done and accomplished. Nathan has offered his finances to help with business goals. Nathan has done his level best to support me in all ways, including reaching goals, housing, births, and depression puzzle needs. And on top of it all Nathan loves me unconditionally and shows affection every time I need it and many many times that I don’t. He genuinely supports everything that I want from the ‘how can I help you get there’ view.

So if you are one of my stalkers that have played dumb to my face: get a fucking life. If you really truly cared you would say it to my face in kind manners and words. You would show love and affection like a good friend or loved family. The fact that you ruminate on my lack of giving you all the credit is proof that you never actually cared about me or my well-being. The fact that you can’t be fully kind and caring to me directly proves that I was never in your heart. Do you even have a heart, or are you all just uncaring calculating ass-hats out to get what you want? You think a little pretending will convince me you care enough to be able to manipulate me. It only got you a handful of inexpensive gifts, or my time, and I see right through you. It’s okay, I am no longer interested, I was waiting for you to get your shit together to try to give you a second chance. I believe everyone deserves extra chances, but none of you cared to see my intelligence or genuine caring, to even see that I was trying to help you and give you more chances. Your manipulative decisions have become a turn off. All seeing stalker eyes or not. None of you get it and won’t even see my new decisions coming.

I am beginning to wonder if anyone in this world knows or understands love, affection and kindness anymore.

Currently, there are three in my daily life that I believe are part of this vague rant, beyond my father and others from my past. All three are failing to deal with themselves, and all three have significant addictions (one food, one drug, and one body-chemistry/thought-drama), all three pretend they care and are interested. But none of them are really authentic, none are genuine with me, let alone anyone else. None of them follow through with anything I care about, none of them give of themselves unconditionally (all expecting tit-for-tat type exchanges).

Yet despite my best efforts to play tit-for-tat and still give of myself to them unconditionally, I still get waves of negative chaos in my experience.

Frequently, I can feel which person is responsible for the particular chaos wave I’m dealing with. See my gift gets more understood all the time. When the chaos hits, I now feel parts of my body that connect to certain individuals; be it just where the connection fell or they actually touched me there or somehow my body held a memory of them there due to ailments of theirs or whatnot. When the physical sensations arise I often get a paired thought of that spot that confirms the person. So most of the last few weeks I’ve known whom was fixating on my blog, thus on my not meeting their expectations, and creating negative chaos in my experience.

On one hand I am getting much better at kicking them out, my anger can be just as strong as Lord Shivas’. Potent anger directed at the source of chaos is an easy way to cause it to cease.

There’s also been lots of telling the archetype off. “Shiva go destroy yourself. Destroy your own anger, jealousy, greed, and chaos. Destroy yourself and your bullshit. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su. Siva Hir Su.”

I mean it. I need no more destruction. I’m ready to throw in the towel like my father and walk away from this world, but I’m pretty sure I’ve hit my limit where it’ll stick this time because I know I beat depression. It’s easier to kill yourself when you know you’ve done everything you could, improved things as much as possible in every way, and your world is just plain not worth living in. Bonus I found a gun today, so I even have access to the proper tool this time.

Siva Hir Su

I need the loving, protective, creative, supportive side of God. I don’t need anymore kicks in the ass, I need acknowledgement, much greater financial support, less work (God seems to forget that I’ve spent over 3 years working 6 to 7 days a week), and more healing (the last round of EBV flare-up a couple months ago did a number on my pancreas and I have yet to recover).

I need the loving kindness of divine caring. I need healing on the deepest fullest level, the kind that makes your body tingle and every cell feels relief, near miracle. I need appreciation. I need rest but with every bit of my income plus some. I need my broad desires, the big picture, the whole package, to begin manifesting.

Because, it is pointless to walk away from this particular set of nonsense, you just get repeat. I’ll just end up with a similar but different set. I’ve done that several times.

No if things don’t genuinely improve for me, inside and out, I will choose death and rebirth willingly.

I have prayed enough for hosts of angels, all the divine in all is aspects, to help. Start showing it, and kill the chaos. Start helping me experience the better that the bible, koran, bhagavad gita, and other ancient texts talk about. I’ve had glimpses of the good things, but the chaos is so busy destroying my world that my glimpses are fleeting. I want the chaos to just end.

My new mantra:

“My vortex knows what I need. My vortex knows what I want. My Good God knows the quickest easiest route to get it to manifest in my life. I love myself and deserve more. Om gum ganpatiye. Om shanti.”

May you never have extreme chaos disrupt your world. May you enjoy your experience. May everyone around you be genuine and authentic. May you know that others genuinely care about you and love you. May you have ample reasons to keep living. May you enjoy your life.

Om Shanti

Results of giving up.

I ate all the things. Save for one bell pepper: my brain remembered they make me wheeze and I told it “I’m sorry, I really like you, but I would like to breathe for now.”

I enjoyed every bite of comfort.

I gorged until my belly was midly sore. I felt fat, but I already gave into that. I am, despite efforts for years to the contrary, I might as well enjoy it for the moment. I might change my mind later if God let’s me live longer, and that’s okay.

I hugged my husband tight, who knows how many more of those I’ll have with the deal I just made (see last post).

I won’t go to doctors again unless they drag me in an ambulance, and even then I doubt they’ll truly fix anything, just buy some time. That’s all Allopathic medicine ever does, even though they scare you into thinking otherwise.

I smelled the roses, they were from my last tiff with Nathan. It was induced by an allergic reaction to tasty food combined with a mental trigger ingrained by childhood experiences. Hopefully, it will be my last tiff with him, but hopefully there will be more flowers regardless.

I really looked for what I want right now.

I couldn’t find an answer beyond wanting comfort and high vibrational stuff, and thought that somehow those were not the same thing.

I sat in my car for my lunch break, planning to take my usual walk around the pond. I decided to play with my camera on my phone and got distracted with selective focus. Now I write this. There’s 30 min left, I’ll wrap up and get a short walk in.

May you just give up and enjoy what you have right now. May we all quit fighting and trying to be right or make others wrong. May we reach for living the best we can not knowing how long we have. May you appreciate all the things. May you understand all the things you aren’t supposed to do, eat, be, say; they’re all because someone else decided they were bad. Sometimes there isn’t a solution, and we all die eventually, was it worth it if you never enjoyed what you ate or did? What if you hurt others along the way, too many times to count? There is a happy medium you can reach for on pretty much any topic. Do what you want as long as it reaches for good and for better, and sometimes that is enjoying food, and sometimes that is reaching for a healthy alternative. May God help us live enjoyable lives even when we do something wrong, and may God help us right our wrongs. May you find peace and know you are loved and supported.

Om Shanti

Peace

You must search within
To find with out
Every bit there
Reflects here

The little ones
Don't know how

The middle ones
Frustrated over
Seemingly Complicated
Easily overwhelmed

The older knows
But tired grows

The oldest ignores
Ready to do no more
Passing a torch
With no flame

Desire died long ago
But the young ones
Still need to know
How to care and be there

For self
For God within

How does one
Create new
Better
Youth
In knowing

How do you stop
Passing
Flameless lifeless
Desireless torches

How do the youth
Just know
How to carry
Their own
And still do what's best

Fleeting sparks
Ignite
If not caught
Hope may float
To another

Catch a spark
Trust with heart
It has to be better
Than the dead torch

God causes the spark
Find that
You'll have all
Fire and desire
Needed

Youth even unguided
By men
Is better than
The Oldest Guided
Desireless Dieing

Peace
Merely the knowing
That youth has all
Sparks
Fires
Desires

God Inspires
Right action
In unguided youth

For you see
They have the least
Resistance to change
For the better of all

Find your peace
Your knowing
The newest parts
Of self
God's inspired
Will do what is best for all.

Then let reflect
The same knowing
Peace
In the world
Will grow

May you find your inner peace and see it begin to reflect outward. May you understand the least resistant are your saviours. May you see the newest as being your best assets and do as much as you can to protect them. May you forgive yourself for your mistakes and grievances against them. May you see and understand God’s guidance. May you know you are loved unconditionally.

Siva Hir Su