Tag Archives: perspective

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

I will remind you: you turned down quick and painless.

So this week I have come to terms with not being able to fix anything or change anyone, even myself. I have given it a good long hard effort for “paultry results” as Abraham would say. I simply can’t physically do it, and even mentally there are too many thought habbits that I have failed to change. I’m still trying, still meditating frequently, and Nathan reminded me that sometimes winning really looks like just not loosing.

It’s little consolation.

However, regardless of my ability to fix anything, I am still that opinionated out spoken brawd that is going to remind you later of your own failure, as it somehow makes me feel better about my own.

The one eating at me right now, for no aparent reason, is quick painless vs long painful. I can’t count the number of conversations that I have participated in with adults of all ages, even some minors, that all ask for the short/quick and painless death. Every single one of those conversations also acknowledging a belief in some greater power/God including a sentiment of praying for the desired outcome it when it’s their time to go.

Yet, Covid19 comes along and it’s like everyone has forgotten their request, suddenly petrified of the idea of a virus being that solution.

To me, God, and the universe, if you ask for short/quick and painless; what does it matter how that is accomplished? It doesn’t matter if it’s a car accident, heart attack, massive stroke, aneurysm, silent cancer, or virus. They all have the potential to fulfill the quick painless request.

If it’s your time, it’s your time.

Beyond that, your fear of the virus is telling the medical establishment that you are in favor of slow and painful. If you are one of the few that gets the virus and has severe complications (because it’s your time) and is hospitalized for it, they will put you on a ventilator and treat all the symptoms to the best of their ability. You’ve now taken what could have been a couple of days and turned it into potentially weeks of suffering before your exit. Because as I’ve said many times, if it’s your time and the doctors do manage to get you well, something else will come along for another possible solution for your exit. I’ve watched so many people get sick 2 or 3 times in a row before finally letting go and relaxing into the afterlife. Their potentially short quick painless death turned into weeks and weeks of suffering.

That’s just in relation to cyclical diseases like flu and pneumonia. Additionally, everyone with any long term condition, so overly concerned about Covid19, is saying the same thing to the medical establishment. If you have: cancer, lukemia, rheumatoid arthritis, dementia, diabetes, chrones, or any one of the many other severe diseases that we have no solid cure for, and you are petrified of Covid19, then your message is loud and clear: “I like living a long, painful life”. You are literally saying I don’t mind living for years with pain, inflammation, and my body attacking itself repeatedly; I would rather live that way, then have a measly little virus do me in and end all the pain.

It seems horribly messed up to me. I half wish I had been one of the lucky ones that got the quick exit, except I’m certain that mystery virus I had in February was Covid19 and was no worse for me than the flu. Those that were lucky enough to get the quick exit, got out of this mess we now call life and are probably in the ethers laughing hysterically at everyone that is living in fear.

Beyond that, I’m still super annoyed that this virus still has any airtime at all. There are dozens of long term problems in our world that have far worse death tolls than Covid19. Poor water quality, lack of sanitization of any kind for vast portions of our world, lack of indoor plumbing causing disease to spread through improper human waste management, poverty, lack of proper healthcare for easily cured diseases like salmonella, lack of access for all to said proper healthcare even when it does exist, homes that don’t protect people from the elements, homelessness, nutritionally deficient children worldwide (even/especially in the oh-so-great USA), nutritionally deficient people in general, starvation, and yes even global warming (if we don’t solve that, the whole world will eventually suffer and die).

All of these things are continuous problems that we have solutions for, yet continuously fail to implement said solutions because of big dollars. Yet big business, especially big pharma, have no problem making money off all your scared asses because of a measly virus. If we stood up for what is right and just, and sucked up our own stupid fears, the money being made off of Covid19 could become money used to solve any number of the other long term problems we have the knowledge to solve. If you invested the money you waste on doctors and ineffective vaccines on Charitywater.org you would give 10 families clean water for their lifetime. If you invested the money you have wasted on not-cures there could be charity waste programs. If you invested the money you dump on the junk filled foods that cause all the long-term incurable diseases, you could help people get access to antibiotics for actual curable diseases, and might spare yourself more food-disease suffering.

But that is just another one of my half-baked cock-eyed wishful-thinking dreams. My dreams will never exist in my lifetime. Humanity is too dumb to get it, or too lazy to really care about real solutions.

May you have attainable dreams. May you have more faith in humanity. May you believe in yourself and others. May real solutions be found and worked on in meaningful ways. May you see your place on this Earth and make strides for living your best most helpful life. May your words matter and help people to stop, think, and change patterns for better results. May we all work towards better living for everyone. May we feel God’s grace and know we are doing our best to be of assistance to the divine.

Siva Hir Su

Just so I’m not completely ranty, I’ll end with a funny from the Waldo Facebook Group that Nathan shared with me via email… You know since I still boycott Facebook myself.


Repost… to clear up any confusion
The Rules:
1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.
3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.
4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
6. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help.
7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it’s important to GO OUT.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it’s better not to go out, well, but no…
13. It’s better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don’t go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).
14. You can’t go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.
15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?
17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with ” I don’t want to trigger panic, but…”
18. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don’t live under the same roof.
20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.
22. The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.
23. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of…
24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications). Orange man bad.
25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?

A reminder of perspective.

So many people die from many bacterial and parasitic diseases we know exactly how to eliminate. This is fixable. Take your fear, learn how viruses function, and then channel any frustration into helping with an easy solution. Donate to Charity Water. I know that I’ll cut many things from my budget before I cut my monthly donation to Charity Water.