Tag Archives: perspective

I need LIFE.

Social media has been invading my space lately. My close circle of friends and family have been telling of things heard and seen, and blog-o-sphere is passing around “awards” that are really just new renditions of chain-mails which used to pass via Facebook and email. I seem to be being inundated, and on top of all the continued Covid stuff, it leaves me with a much stronger desire for life itself.

You see, these social media games are not life. They are merely feel good tidbits masquerading as social interaction. None of these moments will last and many will be forgotten by next week. They will simply become an old blip in some server that time forgets.

I need things that are more tangible. Memories that are remembered fondly for years to come. I have a whole host of memories already, and I have people I genuinely care about in my here and now, with which to create new memories continuously.

I have a loving husband, whom I told over lunch that I wish to give him an overdue massage tomorrow. I enjoy physical contact and the focus it brings and all too often we allow kids and pets and electronics to be a distraction. So out of love, I requested he make plans to set aside a couple of hours tomorrow for us to have focused time with each other. I will give him a massage just like my clients get every other day of the month. We might take just a little more time for conversation or cuddling- we are spouses after all, but I knew it was time for something very tangible and very focused, and I took the initiative to make a solid plan.

It is not our only attempt, we have date nights frequently. However, date nights involve food and atmosphere and other types of distraction, so I simply wanted a more focused moment for this week.

Those public interactions like date night are still part of my interactive life, and still vital to my experience. They are also fond moments and memory makers. They let me feel connected to this world and like I am a part of it.

It may seem silly, but I’ve actually become fond of people giving me the look that I know is based in judgement. That look that conveys “what is that woman wearing” or “why doesn’t she shave”. Those moments validate my existence in this world, and tell me I am leaving some sort of mark. I have caused a ripple that who knows where it will lead. Sometimes I wonder if I am leaving the positive ripple I hope to, but I know I frequently challenge people’s ideas and paradigms. Even if that is the totality, just the challenge I present, I still feel like it at least helps others examine their own self. Perhaps in that moment I contribute to minds becoming more open, and more possibilities manifesting. I like that feeling.

I also enjoy watching others interact and trying to figure out how people might be connected. Are they co-workers or on a date, are they friends or family? It lets me see that my little life is merely one of very many in this world. A world full of people that God loves and wants the best for. A world full of people sperated by just a few degrees of acquaintances.

But LIFE is soooo much more.

Life is smiles and hugs. Life is seeing your children be born and learning new splendid things. Life is being there for the grumpy old man that has made sure you can’t get him to drop the grumpy and find any shred of happy; and even with him doing his best to drag you down with him. Life is helping your mom when she’d rather hide. Life is helping a friend try to decided if a lump is scary or harmless. Life is getting drunk with a friend because she was dumped and needs a shoulder to cry on. Life is parties and birthdays and anniversaries. Life is shopping and errands and finding fun ways to flow money. Life is going to the zoo and taking walks in parks. Life is watching the birds and smelling the flowers.

Life is everything around us and there are so many good splendid things that if you hide in fear of anything you will miss them all.

That is what I need more than ever. I need the interactions, the dates, the destinations, the real people in front of me for better or worse. I need the birds and the bees and the flowers and trees. I need exercise and sun and rain. I need to breathe fresh air, even at risk of breathing pollen, mold or viruses. I would rather live a good enjoyable life at risk than hide in fear and miss everything. I might die younger from the risks, but will have enjoyed more of my time here on this planet.

There are so many things I wish to do with my life. Even beyond my dreams of building my community and business Atira.

I wish to travel and see more of this world. Talking to my client this morning reminded me of that. He had seen Western United States, and I’ve seen the Eastern half, so we were telling each other of memorable enjoyable things we’d done. It reminded how much of this world I have not seen, but which I very much want to. I can not do that if I’m busy hiding in fear.

I personally do not do well stuck at home looking at the same walls day in and day out. Even when my children were born and my midwife told me I needed to rest and recuperate, my body simply would hit a wall where I needed sun, fresh air and movement. I simply had to go be part of the world even though I was not strong enough to work or do any strenuous activity. I needed to know there was a reason for my existence in the world.

You see if you don’t interact with the world God can not experience the world through your perspective. Even monks in monasteries participate in the world and interact with life, even if it is just a butterfly in a garden or other monks. Trying to hide from the world closes you off, affects your senses and slows the connection to God.

I know for certain that I am not alone in this perspective or paradigm. It may not be completely accurate for everyone, but it is accurate for many. I see it in my residents. Those that have found a way to get out and continue to experience at least part of this world are far less affected than those that have been sequestered in permanent quarantine. Permanently quarantined people are declining at alarming rates, while those that found a way to stay active have mostly managed to maintain their health.

There is a part of our being that needs to go and do, it is part of the human experience of this 3D physical perspective. If you deny that part of the self in a long term or permanent sort of way it literally degrades your physical health because you disconnect from that which you are.

Be in your self and honor every bit of yourself; from food to sunlight to movement to social atmosphere and friends and family. It’s a big puzzle, and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming to try and keep it all together, but if you reach for the fun of it, every moment becomes worth it. Your memories will remind you of all of the good you experienced for doing so, and even the risks become worth it.

May you see all of life as valuable. May you overcome your fears. May you know the risks are worth it. May you know it’s not your time because you have too many things you still wish to do and experience. May you know your days give God much needed input. May you know you are here for a reason and your perspective matters. May you enjoy life mostly. May you know you are loved and supported and that there are many around you whom you wish to interact and make memories with. May you feel your place in this world and enjoy your life mostly.

Siva Hir Su

I feel icky.

Nathan and I joined my mom, my brother and his wife and spent the day packing up my father to move him to my sister’s in Arizona.

My parents divorced 7 years ago because my dad’s retirement was torture for my mom. She didn’t have to help, but was there for me. I am very appreciative.

Several hours later I feel icky in our ride back to Kansas City.

His trailer is full of mold. There were dozens of icky things, including canned goods so old they were bulging and leaking. Dirty dishes that has sat in the sink for the past month were rancid. Boiled eggs left in the fridge were so old they were growing mold, that puts them probably about 2 months old.

We pitched every food item because most were well past expiration dates, and even unopened items were not worth keeping. Everything had a thick layer of dusty grease making it feel icky to the touch.

My father didn’t just have duplicates of things, no most items came by the dozen. I thinned a lot of things, but everything else I just packed because my sister had said she didn’t want us to thin at all. She had no idea.

The icing on the cake was discovering dad’s girl clothes, at which point my mom confessed that he was a bit of a cross dresser. She explained the ladies panties were probably his and that he had a penchant for those and silk, especially stockings. He never wore exterior cloths intended for women. No just undies.

I was less shocked or grossed out, and more angry. Again because dad has spent my whole life picking at other people’s appearance and treating women like objects. I can’t count the millions of times he picked at men with long hair or butch women. To find out he didn’t stick to his own genders’ box, is insulating to everyone he ever gave grief over appearance and clothing choices, which includes us kids and my mom.

Nathan found his condoms, and fortunately his porn stash has either been destroyed or was buried too deep for us to get to it today. I was not upset over missing those boxes, knowing both I and my brother have handled them on previous moves.

Where I feel icky is not just because of the dirty objects we handled. No it was more because I was helping such a hateful, abusive hypocrite.

To my father’s friends he’s such a good ol’ boy. He goes to church and masquerades as a good Christian. They don’t know the addictions and porn and cross dressing. They don’t know about his extramarital affairs or the racism. I know these things and his hypocrisy, and yet I am still helping him.

All the decades of damage he did to everyone in our family with abusive behavior, and I’m helping him. I’d rather see him check out and learn the ultimate lesson.

I’m glad this was my last icky endeavor on his behalf. Another week and I will no longer be responsible for him.

I am not perfect. I have lived an open marriage. I have experienced more than a few taboo things and the world of porn. I have a wicked temper, and I’m not proud of moments where my temper won. I too struggle with addictions.

Where I am different from my father is that I aim for polyamory, a committed consentual plural marriage. I aim for conquering my addictions. I aim to tame my temper and I constantly strive to master my emotions and control my mental function. And I do my level best to always accept others on their journey, and refuse to join in mockery involving appearance. People deserve to be accepted regardless of gender identification, sexual preferences, or any other qualification. You will never hear me pass myself as better than anyone or more virtuous, in fact I gave myself a tattoo to remind me to try and do better. I only rant on others when they disrespect me or hurt in me some way, I respect myself enough to refuse to tolerate that. I strive to do better in whatever that means at the time. So no I’m not perfect, but I’m not my abusive hypocritical disgusting father either.

Perspective is helpful, but sometimes the journey there is just gross.

At this point we won’t get home until midnight or after, and despite really wanting a shower, I suspect I’ll fall over and have to wait until morning to feel clean again.

May you have good experiences with loving parents. May you understand difficult stations. May you have understanding and compassion even when someone hasn’t earned it. May you know eventually everything becomes clear. May you know why you experience the difficult things. May you see positive perspective in less icky ways. May you generally have clean experiences on multiple levels. May you enjoy life more than not. May you fully understand how everything provides clarity for your own life and your own progress.

Siva Hir Su

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su