Tag Archives: poly

Nonsequiter

Call it as such, a distraction, a forray, a useful tangent to discuss something different, something more enjoyable, something I can dream of.

My simple thought was that I wished polyamory was fully legal here. It is in Massachusetts now, but not here.

I’m not afraid of the commitment, and my desire is definitely fueled somewhat by financials, but it is so much more than that.

See, at this point the masculine paradigm has shifted enough that there is no longer the weighted benefit of being head of household. I know that because I file as head of household, and it rarely nets me enough to really care. My spouse didn’t come with a dowry, there was no massive parental input into the wedding on either side, and my spouse gets no great benefits from anywhere. I literally have an insignificant benefit playing what is traditionally considered the man’s role, as a woman. Still, I know that the paradigm slowly shifted enough that head of household is genderless. It wouldn’t matter if I was a man or woman, I would still have minimal financial benefit from being head of the household.

Compared to centuries past where men were gifted sums of money by wealthy in-laws or straight up given dowrys. Even more recently there were times where men would use the power to control spousal finances, especially when banks required a male consigner on any bank account. My mom always complained that she had to hide money from dad to even buy Christmas gifts and things her or us kids needed. That is wrong and society acknowledged that problem enough decades ago that it would be difficult to accomplish in this day and age (nothing is impossible with enough motivation and resources). So now, the only real benefit you get is on taxes, and nowadays that only really means anything if you have kids. The point is if I was relying on financial benefit to marriage I fell for the old paradigm when it no longer existed.

But I know I didn’t fall for it to begin with.

I wanted love enough that I took a risk marrying an older divorcee of another race, despite both of my parents arguing with me to try and change my mind. Mom was against the age and being a divorcee with a daughter. Dad was against his race. Mom was the most correct at nailing down the hazards, because half of our financial problems linked back to his marriage and child support, the other half linked to the health concerns from a broken heart.

My source of love has cost me quite dearly, because even if I wanted to go back to school my only hope would be to test high enough for a free ride to grad school, no easy feat. I am unable to obtain student loans due to my two current ones still being in a decade of default, combined with already being leveraged to the hilt with home and vehicle- the result of being head of household. My only hope would be full scholarship on merits.

So, I took the risk and ate it. It has tied my hands in many ways, but I still have my loving husband as long as he shall live. I am still 100% grateful for his love and our years together. Tough as they were, I still have hope for better to come.

And that is where I would love poly to join us. Many days will improve with more hands, more finances to share, new ideas, and more perspectives to consider, new things to try. Beyond all of that though, more hearts equals more love; if I managed to survive everything else to experience that love twice over with much less difficulties, then I say it’s worth it. That’s why I wish poly was legal.

At this point I do still love my husband despite everything, and walking away would break my heart and cost me even more because I would become the one with the child support bill. I simply refuse to do that to myself.

Yet I still want the twice-love and less-responsibility dream of a poly family. Finding a significant other when you are already so committed to someone, is a challenge because the divine masculine still hasn’t relinquished the idea of the old paradigm. They still want the power and financial draw that is promised by the old paradigm of marriage. It’s supposed to be the reason for the ceremony and legal paperwork, the security behind the commitment. I don’t enjoy bursting bubbles over and over again, and I don’t enjoy the ripple when someone’s expectations are shattered. It has turnicated one too many attempts for me, and I don’t think I can muster another try.

But I still have hope. I still desire the loving committed supportive relationship of another. And that is why I wish poly was legal here. I could fulfill that pretense of the old paradigm of marriage committment, and still get my twice-love and less-responsibility of the poly paradigm. Plus I genuinely do wish for all the reasons anyone wants a new relationship, especially one as strong to hope it last many years. You know, the love, the new relationship energy, the going and doing fun things, the exploring of another person’s mind, personality and body, the kisses and hugs, and everything that a new relationship entails. It’s all very daydreamy for me and it’s definitely a good nonsequiter from my current reality.

So yes, I’ve pondered the shift that being able to fully commit to another partner would entail. I would love to have dates without the fear of shattering another person’s hopes, desires, or expectations. I would love to just be able able to be me and still look forward to getting to know someone new. I can daydream right?!

I love my husband and he will be my loving caring supportive companion as long as he lives. It’d be awefully nice to have better days too. So I daydream for now and leave the rest up to the divine.

May you have pleasant distractions when you need them. May your daydreams matter and help make the world a better place. May you have all the love you seek, and the fun and enjoyment too. May you enjoy your life mostly and make the best of what you do have. May we all see improvement continue in all ways. Finally, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

TO love and be loved.

My day started with the quote from Sadhguru with Isha:

It reminded me of the contrast between my father and my spouse. My father was the former part of the quote, and my spouse the latter.

However, it was also a focus tool on what it means to love or be loved, especially after the contrast of my last post.

If you love something or someone you wish to experience it in the fullest sense, whatever that may be.

To love, you desire to appreciate the object of attention with as many senses as possible, and especially to the fullest ability of those senses, even if it may not always be completely pleasant. Most people think of our 5 earthly senses, but for me I always include the 6th sense as well.

When I really love something my 5 senses are utilized primarily, but there is always an element of my 6th Sense being included in the appreciation.

For example with art: I feel the paper, the canvas, even the texture of whatever medium I choose. I can tell you without even thinking too hard what the smell of charcoal or paint is like. I use my sight to craft my image or sculpture meticulously. I even enjoy the sound of the brush on canvas or pencils or charcoal on paper. The only physical sense that is limited with art is taste, and that is because many mediums can be toxic, yet I have still inadvertently tasted charcoal and clay, neither were offensive even when accidental. However, my most favorite is the 6th sense. In art, I feel a sense of calmness and peace that is deeper and more soothing than most any other activity for me. There have been several times that I was so soothed by the sense of the divine that I have lost hours or even entire days riding that peacefulness as I created something beautiful.

Many of my other loves (mentioned in my previous post) can be broken down similarly, but the 6th sense is always there and always unique to the thing I am focused on. It always feels wonderful, but can carry excitement, joy, peace, soothing, it can be energizing, and even full of passion.

When you really truly love a person it’s no different of a layered experience, but the layers are unique to that person. The 6 senses with my 6 year old are not experienced just the same way that the 6 senses are experienced with my husband.

Examples for my 6 year old would be: I love hearing his giggles, I love seeing him smile, I love rubbing his back, and the smell of his hair after a bath or playing in the sandbox brings me joy, and I will shower him with kisses as long as he lets me. But even when he’s stinky, dirty, or upset, I still love my little boy. Additionally my 6th sense still feels love shared between us, that bond formed in utero that helped me communicate before I could even see him. That sense that helped him learn motor skills because of my work while pregnant. Yet moreso, I feel when he really needs mommy because of upsets, confusion, or fright. I still communicate with him without need for words. I cherish every moment of our connection.

My husband has similar but not exactly the same set. Love can be so great that even the negatives are diminished. I love kissing my S.O. fully and completely, so that even my taste buds can enjoy the experience, but sometimes they’d rather I not do that first thing in the morning. My sense of touch does not have to be limited to back rubs, and I have even had the joy of picking zits, providing healing for wounds, and caressing every inch of his body. My sense of smell has experienced the full spectrum of smells his body provides, and even the unpleasant ones are somehow less offensive than someone I don’t find love in. I have seen him at his best most beautiful, and his worst post yardwork or surgery; regardless I still love him. The best is my intense connection with him. It has waned over our 16 years together, but I still know when he’s really happy or really struggling. I still feel his love for me when he’s focused on me. I still have a connection that enables knowing what he is going to say or being able to convey my needs without words. It’s that sense beyond the senses that keeps my love for him strong. We get each other’s headaches, body aches, and even each other’s inebriation. It’s those moments I know we share a strong bond of love supported by divine connection.

The hardest for me has been the others. The ones I felt and connected with in my 6th sense, but with which I never got to experience the entirety or fullness of the rest of the senses. My body sometimes aches with desire for the rest of my senses to be filled with loving experiences with them. Yet to this day they are my enigma. I will cherish the conversations accomplished and the moments of 6th sense connection, and maybe one day either they will return or God will replace them. Whether they return or not, I know my love for them is the realness of the latter part Sadhguru’s quote. I felt them, and even being unable to fulfill the wholeness of my desire for filling all the senses, I was able to get a sense of who they were as beings. There are definitely gaps and truths waiting to be fulfilled, but even if that never comes to pass my 6th sense knew. Maybe my lesson here is that I knew so deeply that I can still love and never receive them fully. That is the height of Sadhguru’s message. To love without being able to have as my own.

It’s an odd place to be. I never expected ownership to begin with. I never expected to stake claim, as that is the premise of polyamory.

Yet I had really desired, really hoped, for the same fullness of all the senses that I experience with Nathan. Love was found in multiplicity, for that I’m certain, and I can never undo that.

Now I wish to experience the fullest of the multiple love scenario, experience the all of more than one significant other. Experience the sights and sounds, words and feel of more than one. To experience the caresses and tastes, and yes even smells of more than one; on top of that 6th sense knowing and feeling of others. It’s a layered experience, but the layers are unique to each person, and I really do wish for that with more than just my Nathan and kids.

May you see you love in it’s fullest and truest sense. May you know you love someone for whom they are and not because they are yours to own. May you understand how to love fully and completely. May you know for certain that it is possible with everyone you truly care for. May you understand that you can fully love someone and not necessarily need to experience them in a specific way. May you find that you are able to experience those you do love in the ways that feel best and right to you. May you know that your love is reciprocated. May you know that God loves and supports you in whatever you choose.

*Om Shanti

*My God given prayer “Siva Hir Su” has had some clarity through using it with my Reiki practice. Since I now understand it’s use more fully from that intuitive input, I’m using it a little more descriminantly these days. I’ll elaborate at some point soon. For now I am defaulting to more generally accepted and positive options.

Juicy 5D

I watched this Abraham video, and got excited. I don’t know how long it will stay up, sometimes they get yanked pretty quick.

Anyway, I got excited about my 5D vortex family. It has everything and everyone I love about my now family and life and more. What does it feel like?

We all get along well. We love each other. We all find our unconditional mostly. It is comfortable and inviting. We ARE home. Abundance flows. I and my current family are honored and respected, and love flows all ways.

My Partners, diversely exciting. Each one unique and beautiful in their own way. A spectrum of reasons for appreciation. A spectrum of goodness, to love, to touch, to have juicy moments in a variety of ways.

Feminine softness. Curves and warmth. Silky and full of caresses. Comforting and gentle. Snuggles and passion. Firm and strong and capable.

Masculine strength and protection. Firey passion and playfulness. Energetic and charming. Willpower and direction.

Everyone intelligent in their own right and in their chosen path. All having a sense of independence. Good business sense. Aligned and inspired to keep things moving in positive directions as a joined family.

It feels close. It feels like togetherness. It feels fun and exciting and joyful. It feels safe and supportive. It feels like a really really good time. It feels loving and like a grand adventure. It feels wonderfully unique. It feels blessed by God.

Probably a bit complicated at times, but in the good-challenging but hugely-rewarding sort of way. After all the biggest rewards are found through challenges. At the same time there are plenty of moments of feeling at ease, being a good fit and things just go right, smoothly and wonderfully well most if the time.

It feels successful in both emotional and financial ways. It feels like compassion and understanding. It feels like community willing to compromise to support each other and better our world. With common interests and common goals it feels like amazing progress. It feels like doing good for us and for humanity.

It feels like being surrounded by people that care, and who love you. It feels like living in a buffet of life choices all of which are mostly good.

I like the idea of my poly-family. I look forward to my family growing and coming together.

May you all find the feeling place of the things you desire. May you sense your loving partners into manifestation. May you be guided through inspired action, and know if things don’t work out, it is because something even better is on its way. May you enjoy reaching for the feelings of the things and people you desire. May you know you are already loved and supported regardless. May you sense and understand that your forward progress and momentum not only helps you and those in your life, but it also helps humanity as a whole.

Siva Hir Su

PS… The picture is from the pexels library, and is the closest I could find to the feeling. Would rather it had more diversity in race and gender identity, because I want my family to be diverse in those ways.

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su

Gud Wryter 2… What to trust.

On May 12th, I wrote my original post “Gud Wryter” discussing my thoughts of what contributes to being a good writer. Since then, I’ve been mulling over related thoughts. It has occurred to me that people without dyslexia don’t really realize the complexity and ramifications of having dyslexia, and some people with severe dyslexia don’t believe that I was able to learn to compensate for having dyslexia on my own. I fall somewhere in the middle, mild enough dyslexia that I was able to figure out ways to compensate for it without extreme interventions, and thus I’ve always gotten along fairly well in school and work environments.

To that end I thought I would demonstrate my level of dyslexia by typing a post without using any spell-check or auto-correct functions. I decided that this would be better suited to a computer, as my android phone tends to put in completely different words when I misspell my intended word. So the following is my unedited writing on my topic today “What to trust.” I’m going to have a very hard time not going back and editing this! 🙂 ….

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I sit this morning porst route, all up in my head. I’ve learned through therapy that what I’ve aways alled “hamster-wheeling” is really termed ruminations. It’s when your brain mulles over something so much that it builds into being intesne emotion based reswponses, often negative. I’m working with my new therapist on exercises to help break the habbit, and find that its bvery slowly starting to help.

REgardless, this morning I am discovering that I’m having difficulty trusting my intiuition., and runminating a lot. If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, 3 posts ago, I wrote about a lvoe interest in my polyamorous world. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have fallen in love with a man I’ve never actually met face to face.

We’ve been messaging for the better part of a year, and it seems to me that he is a wonderful guinine man. However, I’ve had more meaningful and deepre interatcions with pepole in person. Not just a few times, but hundreds of times in my lifetime. So why then, am I falling in love with theis man.? There’s literally no real, life-ecperience reason to be in loe with him. It’s just a bunch of messages, that for most normal people would at best equate to a really good friendship.

Yet, I fele that he has chosen me very carefully and in doing so, opened up some connection that was probably already there. a latent deeper spiritual connection. IS it from a past life, or just something that we are supposed to learn form inthis lifetime? I don’t really know, I just know that for me it is really intense, and seeminlgly out of nowhere and for no reasson.

Nathan, my sonderful supportive husband, is fully aware of our interactions. I’ve shard every interatcion with Nathna and asked his opinion at every step of the way. Nathna has let em vent and air my frustrations and quandaries aloud on many many occaisions. He agrees with me that I am feeling something beyond our interactions. He has helped to calm my fears and talked me through every concern and every moment of feeling like I’m going crazy. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive persn in my life.

Now, I tend to be a spiritual person, as I posted about in my “320 million reasons” post, it sometimes means that I get anggry with god when things dont go as I think they should, but, I do acknowledge that there is a divine presence of some kind. Whatever this force is has always porvided me helpful synchronistic clues when something is important to my life journey.

These clues helped me when I met Nahtna and was falling in llove with him. I got information about his then wife and girlfirend and though I was hesitant to share that information with him, he swares that it helped him through points ofollowing when both his wife and girlfriendd left him in rapid succession. This same source prepared us when Anya’s mom was about to pass away by telling us it was coming when no one else would admit it. This same source helped me through a very trying pregnancy, esnsureing that I had a very happy healthy and supre smart baby. This same source has hekped us find rental homes at times, and has helped me make discisions when I felt like there were not any good decisions to be made.

To be fair though, I don’t consider myself psychic. These messages have only ever pertained to my direct life experiences. I have never gotten intense messages like this regarding other people, and definitely never with strangers.

Now this source is telling me things about this man that I’ve been talking to. It’s been conveying to me through a variety of means, all manner of input regarding this man. I know my intrepretations are leaning in hte right direction, because I’ve always gotten this intense tingly sensation up my spine when I’ve “hit the nail on the head” so to speak. That sensation has always been present, and we’re talking about a decade of divine message intrepretation.

So I’ve gotten that a lot of late. For instance, I know (believe based on these clues)  that he is afraid of ramifications fo being with me in a relationship sort of way, even though he intentionally sought out a polyamorous person. I know that becasue he hasn’t discussed things with his fiance, he’s petriified of screwing things up with his family, because he’s afraid that his fiancee wont agree to being poly. I believe that he might also be concerned about the logistis of a relationship with me. It seems He’s also really overwhelmed and confused over this stragne connection that we share, becasue he has felt it too, but it’s new territory for him. I’ve been told that we’re both having trouble trusting and listening to our intuitions. That ultimately we’re headed the same direction, but htat he’s going extra slow because of all of the confusion and fears. I’ve been shown moments with him in the future, moments that even in being just thoughts bring me great joy. I believe that I even know what he looks like even though I’ve only seen one fuzzy selfie-picture. I have felt him thinkging about me (several times), one of which was validated in a conversation with him later the same day it happened. Also, on several occcaisions I’ve felt his thoughts start out about me and turn toward the fears. Finally, at one point, he told me he’d moved to Norht carolina, and within hours of him telling me that, I got a very clear message that he hadn’t. That it was an unsuccessiful attempt at breaking the connection, he was so afraid of what he felt that he didn’t know what to do ecxept tell me he’d left hte city. The next time I conversed with him, I tried to subtly call that out, and as soon as I did I felt his reaction to  his realization of my knowing: a giant pit in my stomache and he quit talking.

I’ve sent a gaggle of messages since, and all I can think is: please let me in. I want nothing more than for him to admit the elephant in the room, and acknowledge our connection. I know he wants to know how to proceed and what to do, but I don’t think it;s that easy. I think htis is one situation where we won’t know the details until we proceed. I feel like its a one step at a time situation. In this situation the first step I feel is that he needs to admit he is still in KC and meet me. That’s all. Once that happens, one or both of us will figure out the next step. I dont’ have all the answers, but I know that he will be a wonderful part of my future. I look forward to that.

Nathan does too. Hes read our conversations, hes headr my feelings, my anxieties, my thoughts. Hes analyzed all of my synchrnistic divine messages and intrepretations, and he thinks I’m onto something. He says hes even tried to send prayers and energy to this man to help. It all makes me loce my husbadn even more. I couldnt’ ask for a more supportive person in my life. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to even be able to find love in multiplicity, and now I feel like I am on the brink of just that. The feeling of loving 2 poeple is so wonderful. The anticipation is immense. If even half of the images I’ve been shown come to pass, I’ll be on cloud 9.

I feel very deeply, always have, and with NAthan our years together have had chalenges for certain, but I would’nt have had it any other way. Our love has withstood the tests of time and we are still strong in our foundation. Would I cahnge things about our exeriences, or about our helath, Yes, most definitely, but I am ever so grateful that I have had Nathans support in all of my adult life.

Now, I feel that I could have that twice over and it makes my heart expand with joy and gratitude. I want to love this man and support hin in what ever he chooses, be there for him enotionaly. HE just has to let me.

And that is where the runmination and “hamster-wheeling”  catches me up and makes me second guess my intuition. I start thinking that every time he backs away he’s done. That he’s not coming back and that he has ignored everything ad moved on. Those thoughts make me sad and definitely create a negative snowball that overrides my knowing from divine synchronisity. MY human ego based brain for whatever reason wants to override my inner knowing and tell me the worst story ever. It becomes very hard in those moments to believe and trust myself and what I’ve seen and felt.

My therapist is aware of all of these things and I’ve told him about my relationship situation and this man. IT’s on the long list of things I want to gain control of, and so begins the anti-rumination work. Essentially we’ve started with a worksheet that helops to catch the rumination in process and stop the thoughts. So far I’ve used the worksheet’s process twice. Both times it helped to stop the snowball effect. Youd be amazed though how hard it is to catch yourself in automatic thought. Its hard to even catch myself several minuets into ruminating. But I’m committed, I want to be done with depresion, so if changing my diet, changing sllep habbits, chaging exerciese habbits, and doing these thought process homework assignments will solve it, then great- I’ll do all of that and so much mroe. I’m ready for positive things in my life, for my brain to heal, and to overcome all of my challenges- and hopefully that will include the love of another person in my life.


 

So there you have it. That is basically what my dyslexia looks like when I haven’t edited and proof-read something several times over. It’s not a 100% because I did still find myself using the backspace key occasionally (it’s really hard for me not to after years of correcting myself), so there are a few errors that I automatically corrected, but I think this is as close as you’ll get to seeing my true dyslexia. It’s a combination of mis-spelled, mis-typed (because my fingers get ahead of themselves), using improper tenses, and reversing or duplicating letters. I also tend to drop, or use too many punctuation marks. All of these things are what I look for when I am reviewing anything I’ve typed. Usually after 3 or 4 proof-reads I have found most if not all of my errors, and I can consider my typing complete. I hope this helps give perspective on what it’s like to have mild dyslexia.